Let's see, they're both coming. All right. OK, so this is for Cli
interviewing Shannon Ellison on May 27, 2016 at 2:30. So if you can take
us as far back as the conception, so you have two children. I do have two
children, both of them. I'm assuming we're consumed, conceived, consumed,
and I was consumed by their conception on uh Saint Patty's Day, I'm
guessing because Scarlett was due on December 23rd and Lily was due on
December 25th and uh my now husband and I got engaged Christmas Day. 3
months before our conception with Scarlett. So I had this big giant
wedding planned and Uh I couldn't remember when I was supposed to get my
period, even though I'm a nurse, those were details that I didn't, um,
Focus on and I was, I never had a normal period anyway. So I was at work
and I thought, gosh, I think it's been a while. When, when am I supposed
to get my period? And one of the other nurses uh had some. descriptors
about me because I was a nurse and uh I made an appointment. No, I went
home and I took a pregnancy test and my husband, my fiance then was in the
field. He's an archaeologist. So he was nowhere to be seen and was not a
phone call away. And I had a glass of wine and I took my pregnancy test
like every good nurse should, and there were two lines. I was totally
pregnant and I sat with my cat and I thought, what should I do? I should
take vitamins. I should take vitamins right now. So I did not pick up a
cigarette and I Took some folic acid and some. Multivitamin that I had
laying around and um.
Went to bed. And
That was the first minute that I knew I was pregnant. So when were you
able to tell your husband? My fiance, he came back and he, uh, we had the
best little house downtown. It was the best, and he came back from being
out in the field and he came in and he had a pack of beer and a pack of
cigarettes and he was like, hey, um, I know you were talking about going
to the doctor because you were having those cramps. Did, did you get to
the doctor? And I said, well, yes, I did. He said, oh, OK, well, how did
it go? And I said, well, you're gonna be a father. I'm pregnant and he
He stood up and he said, well, congratulations.
And I said, thank you and thank you. You, thank you. So
I think he got to light up a cigarette and he didn't crack a beer and his
first comment was, what if I'm not a good dad? What if I'm not good at
this? And I, I mean, he was the only guy I was ever going to marry, so I
knew, I knew I was gonna marry him for a lot of great reasons. And by
golly, he turned out to be a phenomenal dad. So that's how that unveiling
went.
Did you have um family in town, you know, or a support network, other
women that had babies to talk to?
We took the geographical cure. Um, both of us did. So I emigrated out here
from New Jersey on purpose, and my husband came from Oklahoma. So no. Our
support system is our chosen family, the people that we choose to be
around, uh, he went to grad school out here, so he had some really close
friends and I went to. Many years of college out here, so I've got some
really close wonderful friends that I, I consider to be my family. But as
far as um other people that have had children, I have one girlfriend that
had a child before me and Canyon is 6 years older than Scarlett.
So, no, no. And one of our friends um talked us into taking the Bradley
method class, uh which is uh a husband coached childbirth and That was a
little challenging for me as a as a nurse because it was almost like they
were plotting the health care system. Against natural childbirth, and I
feel like Flagstaff is a very open, a very communicative, very amazing
community and frankly, the nurses, the nurses talked me through a lot of
stuff. My husband was there and was absolutely amazing, but those nurses
were unbelievably supportive. So had you um had a kind of plan? I roll my
eyes because now I look back and that that birth plan was so important to
me and I showed up with my little 3 by 5 card that I had meticulously
mapped out and really in the end, the only thing that I wanted desperately
was to give birth and have the baby on my chest. And that of course opens
up a whole other myriad of the journey to give birth for me because it
wasn't just It was not as easy as I thought it was gonna be. The pregnancy
part had a lot of um unanticipated. Issues So the night before I was gonna
be in the safe zone, the night before I was gonna be 12 weeks pregnant. Uh
, my husband and I, my fiance and I were Curled up in bed and
What I thought then was having to use the restroom often, which later
became a joke because I didn't have a clue. Uh, I jumped up and I went to
the restroom and I had my first major bleed. And I bled out and I.
Of course, I didn't know what to do and I thought, OK, well, I was
supposed to be safe tomorrow because at 12 weeks, everything is safe and
everything is OK, right? I mean, that's when you know you have a viable
pregnancy. And so I called the doctor on call, and I said, I'm bleeding
and it's not just like I'm spotting like I sat down on the toilet and I
bled out and I don't feel faint um and I don't feel any pain, but we
definitely have an issue here. And that OB on the phone said to me, OK,
well, it sounds like you're going to have a miscarriage, and if you're
gonna do that, you want to do that at home. And I said, but I don't want
to have a miscarriage. I, I don't want that. And he said, well, Basically
, that's the writing on the wall and Just go back to bed and if, if you
feel like you're bleeding too much or if the cramps come, um, and they're
uncontrollable, you may want to bring yourself to the ER.
So my husband and I did some crying and we um.
went to sleep and called one of my nursing friends in the morning who came
and then cried with my husband. And I was in bed in shock, like, well,
here I go, uh, you know, I'm pregnant before I'm married and this is what
I get, right? Right. So, um, she came and sat on the bed and she said the
only thing that you have going for you is that you're not cramping.
there's no other reason. There's no reason that you shouldn't be cramping
with the amount of blood that you said you've lost and um we waited for
the doctor's office to open so we could go in and have that ultrasound
done. And we were in the corner hysterical because we wanted this baby. I
mean, she was a surprise. We didn't know, uh, we didn't know that we
wanted her so much until we almost lost her. Um, and so we went in and we
sat in the corner and they called us back and
The um The sweet technician, I'll never forget because you know the the
gel was cold on my tummy and the paper was cold and everything in that
office was cold and unwelcoming and not warm and you know I was more
hysterical than this and my sweet sweet Travis was also hysterical and she
said there's a heartbeat and I'll never forget that breath that I took at
that minute thinking thank God or thank whomever, thankfully.
And um We cried more and then we went home and cried more and they
couldn't figure out why I was bleeding and that was the first of a few
bleeds, um. And I, I must have taken some a little bit of time off from
work and. Um, we were, we had to move our wedding, you know, cause I
didn't want to be. To morose when I was. Waddling down the aisle. So we
moved our wedding um from uh the solstice in the fall to 4th of July
weekend. Because that seemed like the next logical thing to do. So I had
something to focus on, right? I wasn't bleeding anymore and they said
there was a healthy heartbeat and We could move forward with trying to
live like normal human beings that were just pregnant. So we did that and
we planned this big wedding and um we weren't allowed to have sex. That
was another thing, which, OK, so I think shortly after my first bleed is
when the morning sickness happened, and I scoff at that term because I had
nausea. Morning, mid-morning, afternoon, evening time, um, in the middle
of the night. I mean, I, I have vomited in every single patient room on
the floor that I had worked on, hands down. And, and it just got to the
point where it's sort of a natural process. I would just lean over and
lose breakfast. Uh, I'm glad that's over. Anyway, so were you still able
to gain weight? Oh, I was a champion weight gainer. I was really good at
that, I think, um. At one of the appointments after I had surpassed 220,
my husband just gave me a high five and said, way to go, mama, way to do
it. Uh, I, I gained about 70 pounds with each kid despite my chronic
nausea, but that was the only thing that helped really was to put
something else in. And everything tasted really good. Everything tasted
really good. I had to have airheads, you know, that candy. I had to have
that on my vessel at all times, so I could ingest it, even though now the
smell of it and the taste of it is not very appealing. Hm. So, yes, I was
able to gain weight effectively. Was that, how was the like body
transformation and feeling the The one inside you and all of that. It was
insane feeling everything felt different, right? I mean, and looking at me
, I was a pregnant person from, you know, I leveled down. I was just
pregnant everywhere. My hair was finally thick. First time in my life I
had actual thick hair that wasn't. The way that it currently is, um, my
boobs were giant and my belly, I mean, I was the most pregnant person
you've ever seen in your entire life for months, months, and it was
awesome. I loved it. I mean, at the end, getting up and down was a little
challenging, but. I did it. We made it through.
So
Getting back to our wedding, I wasn't too terribly. Um, large at that
point. I was only about 4 months pregnant. I had a bump, but I could have
also just eaten a very large meal. I mean, it wasn't anything significant
, but I was a more slender person then, you know. So we got married, not
allowed to have sex on our wedding night, which is kind of like a bummer,
but apparently we had already done it before, so there was no big
unveiling there. Um. And my mother, in true form, had a heart attack on
the way back from our wedding back home to New Jersey on the airplane. So
instead of having a honeymoon where we relax and enjoy each other, we went
to the cath lab in New Jersey. So, and that's when I had another bleed, um
, when I was back there, and I remember thinking, shit. Shit, what should
I do? I, this, and this time I remember thinking, well, Travis should look
at this because maybe I'm hysterical, um, and my husband is Um, and he's
an archaeologist, so fluids are not at all appealing to him on any level.
And, but he did it like a champion and he looked and he said, yeah,
you're right, that's blood. And I called the OB on call, um. Who was here
, you know, in Flagstaff and She was calmer and she said, OK, well, tell
me about the blood and tell me about how you're feeling. And I did, and
she said, Well, I think you should just keep your feet up for a couple of
days and um when you come back, we're, we're gonna figure something out.
So, spent the rest of my amazingly relaxing honeymoon there and flew back
home and started thinking about what is causing these bleeds. So we went
back for another ultrasound, and at this point, from here on out, we
started having ultrasounds about weekly. Uh, baby fetus, who was a
surprise, and I was really hell bent on this being a surprise. We didn't
know what the sex of the baby was going to be, and I'm really happy we did
that.
Um
Started looking more deeply into what was going on. So we went for another
ultrasound and I can't tell you how far along I was in the pregnancy. I
guess if it was right after my wedding, I must have been 4.5 months. Uh,
so, There was a point when the tech lady, who was not the same tech lady
as that beautiful woman who delivered that beautiful news, she was a
different woman and she was sort of more fierce and pointed and Where the
other ultrasound, there was sort of a um a joyous relief. This ultrasound
, she got real quiet and um didn't want to divulge anything, sort of
cryptic, if you will. So, but I figured, well, OK, well, maybe she's just
having a bad day or she's unpleasant. Could be any combination of the two.
So, that's when I got referred to a specialist down in Phoenix because
they thought I had vasarevia, um, which is sort of a
A problem with the umbilical cord and the flow of blood, uh, and went down
to Phoenix to a specialist down there who basically said, you need to have
your feet up, you can eat some licorice, have snacks by you all the time.
But you are not to work anymore and you need to take it easy. Um, if you
make it to 28 weeks pregnant, you need to move down here to Good Sam
because that's where we have the most intense NICU and we can best care
for your baby and for you. And I thought, well, obviously this man doesn't
understand that I'm about where I have married an archaeologist and I am
the breadwinner because I can't just take all that time off, foolish man.
Um, and it turns out I didn't have vasarevia. I had placenta previa, but I
had a complete previa, and that's why I was having these bleeds because of
the shift, um, and with my uterus and the placenta, when, when it would
shift or grow or move, I would bleed out. And uh so the bleeding episodes
, I believe happened 3 times, and they were again significant events that
was like, oh, why don't I feel faint? What's going on here? Nurse had,
right? Mom had I'm like my baby. So, uh. Down I went on the couch with my
remote control and my snacks and my cat and I incubated.
I grove the baby. For how long?
First lesson in parenting, you are not in control of anything. So, due
date was December 23rd.
If I, and I don't remember what the date of my 28 weeks where it was gonna
be a viable fetus. I don't remember what that was. I'm sure I have it
written somewhere. Um.
But Christmas came and Christmas went, and my previa cleared magically and
that kid. Would not come out. All of that perseverating and all, I mean, I
was a mess because I was failing. I mean, basically, right? I mean, I
failed for my family because I got pregnant before I got married, which I
don't, I don't care about. And by the by, I got pregnant, I got married, I
got married barefoot and pregnant and it was like the most magical thing
that could have happened and it was amazing. It was wonderful, um. And I,
I would totally repeat that. I would totally repeat that story chapter in
my life. Um
So I felt like I wasn't going to make it to be a big giant huge pregnant
person, and I was wrong. I was really pregnant and really big and I really
was done being pregnant by the end of it, which was funny because I worked
so hard at staying pregnant and being pregnant and I had spent a lot of
time beating myself up because I felt like I was snailing at it and I
couldn't. I couldn't give my husband a healthy baby or a healthy pregnancy
, and I couldn't be a partner that was contributing because I had to lay
down and grow this surprise baby. And there was a lot of good things to
look forward to because we didn't know if it was a boy or a girl and um
and that was a challenge to keep that under wraps when we had, you know,
107 ultrasounds and people in the chart all the time making sure that we
were going to sustain the pregnancy.
So, um, OK, so you're super pregnant, you're super unhappy about it. And
then did you feel a contraction? Did you? I had contractions. I couldn't
move, so I'm on still on light duty, right? So eventually I'm like, look.
I have to do some work, so they shuffled me up to medical records. And
where I got to do a lot of squats, which was apparently really good for
the birthing plan according to Mr. Bradley, and I got to have a lot of
snacks and I couldn't walk 10 ft without having a contraction. I had more
contractions with this sweet, sweet child of mine than you could possibly
imagine. I couldn't get to my car without having to stop. I mean. But I
also like couldn't keep it going if that makes sense. So I had, I had an
induction massage done.
And I was really pissed that I had waited until I was post due to have a
pregnancy massage. Why, why, well, I didn't know. I didn't know. Nobody
told me. I had no idea. What is it? I don't know what that is. It was
magic. It was magic. They lay you on a table with all these supportive
pillows and they adjust you and they rubbed things that I didn't even know
I had, and basically the induction pressure point is on your toes. So she
spent a lot of time rubbing my toes, which normally nobody's allowed to
touch my feet, but this magical woman and her magical hands massaged me
and rubbed me and I said, I could, I can do this. I can do this all the
time. And then, uh, eventually, my OB, who I really, really, really,
really appreciate and love and got me through this. She said, you know,
it's time we got to start thinking about eviction here. And I said, well,
you know, that's a no no because I'm a Bradley mom and you got to let it
happen naturally. And she said, OK, but You're gonna be 8 days past due
and it's time. And I said, OK, baby was getting bigger and I was getting
bigger and her fluid was not getting bigger. So I, we agree that we are
going to be induced despite what every, despite all the classroom time
that we had spent with Doctor Bradley and his people. Who said induction
is not the best way to go. You want to let this happen naturally because,
you know, if you get induced, then obviously you're gonna have to
intervene with drugs, right? And drugs are bad. And I didn't want anything
else to be bad with this pregnancy. And you better believe that I was
gonna have a natural birth, come hell or high water. I was gonna do that.
How did that work out?
Well, The clarity of hindsight has offered the most amazing gift. So, We
go out to dinner We're super excited. Everyone is commenting on how large
I am because now I can't fit anywhere or move, and the nice young man was
like, oh, the, the server. Oh, are you what are you gonna do about that?
And I said, we're actually gonna go and get induced right now after this
wonderful dinner that you serve us. So it's kind of sweet and fun and we
check in and my old nursing instructor was there and she's like, You are
huge. I said, I know I'm huge, but I was really hungry and she said, you
know, so and so gave birth earlier today and she only gained 8 pounds and
had a 6 pound baby. You, you went for the, the gold and you did it, and I
, I did. Um, so there we are, we're checked in and We have our nurse, Joe
, who was wonderful, and her new graduate nurse who was on her last night
of preceptorship, which matters to me now, then I just thought it was
sweet and special. So I got two nurses for the price of one, right? And
Andrietta was her name. Sweet, wonderful, adorable, and they sort of, you
know, they had done this 50,000 times before and this was my first time
and again, I show up with my birth plan because I am a diligent birthing
person and that's what I'm supposed to do and we're ready to go. The plan
is I'm gonna get a gel and an Ambien. And the Ambien is to help me sleep.
So, um, when I wake up in the morning to give birth, I'll be ready and
charged to go. And I'm thinking, awesome, great, I love this idea. So they
give me the gel, and about 30 minutes later, they give me the Ambien. And
I'm drinking juice out of my little graduated cylinder and we're watching
Spaceballs was on TV and um and this is December 30th.
So, thinking, OK, we're gonna have a baby on New Year's Eve. How cool is
that? Maybe, I mean, if the baby comes, cause Doctor Bradley lets you know
that it could take a while, right?
So
they have those things on you, the monitors, which are kind of irritating
when you're a big giant person anyway. But, OK, they have them on me. And
the nurse came in to check on me about 35 minutes after my Ambien and I, I
said to her, this came out of my mouth. You know, I think you were a
little rough putting that gel in because I'm having these terrible cramps
now. Me, the nurse, the nurse, and not a novice nurse like a nurse. And
she said, Honey, those aren't cramps, you're in labor. And I said, No, see
, that can't happen because you gave me an Ambien and I need to sleep
first. That's what happens. I sleep first and then I have the baby. That's
how that happens. And she said, No, honey, no. Why don't you have some
more juice and we'll just see how this goes.
So away we went, and I'll be damned if I didn't labor all through the
night. And it was OK. I really, I really didn't. I think that the labor
pains, that the contractions were going to just feel like cramps, like my
menstrual cramps. I really thought that they were going to be a specific
sort of different, more identifiable pain, but um what a learning lesson.
What a learning lesson. So, again, really, the big thing on my plate was
that I was gonna deliver this baby naturally with no interventions, and I
was going, I was going to have the baby put on my chest. I was also going
to breastfeed for the rest of my life because I was set on that.
So we did a lot of laboring. We did a lot of laboring and a lot of
screaming. And at one point, I remember they had me stand up and now
standing was a chore anyway cause I was like, you know, 220 plus of water
weight and baby. And then they wanted me to try to stand up and labor and
I remember or push. And I remember thinking, this is not working, you're
crazy. And I
Labored till about.
Um, early in the morning. And I was so excited that I was going to get in
the bathtub. I was really looking forward to that because the hospital has
never ending hot water, right? And I, that's one of my favorite things,
and I was too big to fit in the bathtub at my house because it was this
little old bungalow and it was a really narrow tub and I did get stuck in
it um about 7 months into the pregnancy and I couldn't get out. So I was
really looking forward to sitting in a bathtub and relaxing in there. So
they had me on that labor ball, the bouncy ball for a little while when
the contractions were happening. And I said, you know, I think now's a
good time. I was about 4 centimeters dilated. Um, I said, I think now is a
really good time for me to get into the bathtub. I'm feeling like that
will help me relax because I was sort of unprepared mentally for the kind
of pain I was having. So I stood up off the ball and there went my water.
My water broke and they kind of said, well, you know what that means no
more bathtub for you. And I was like, all right, well, how about I try a
shower? Let's try a shower. So I had done a lot of sweating and screaming
and moaning and got into the shower, and that was the most magical part
about that room, I think, um.
It was amazing and I was able to calm myself down and I was able just to
appreciate that this was it, this was gonna happen now and I came waddling
out as a completely stark naked person and I said, I think I need to push.
And the nurses said, Don't be ridiculous. You were just 4 centimeters and
we've been out this all night and I don't, you're not there yet. And I
said, Well, um, I think you may be wrong, so why don't you come in here
and see. Well, and lo and behold, she said, OK, let's get the doctor here
quickly. So I blame or thank or whatever you wanna say, um the water for
helping me transition and being able to relax enough to get there. Um, and
I looked at the clock, and it was 4, it was 4 o'clock in the morning on
the dot.
And they had my legs up and they said, OK, and so now in my Bradley Me
classes, they had been sure to tell you the first. The first birth, you
usually push for about an hour, right? And I remember thinking like, OK,
this has been really hard, but I can totally do this. I can totally do
this for another hour. So we did some practice pushes and I was doing it
OK according to the nurses, and we went for it. And we kept going and kept
going and kept going and then we had to push. I pushed in every position
you could possibly think of. I did a lot of laboring over the back of the
bed, I feel like. And at one point I remember saying, my back, my back,
it's breaking my back. And um the sweet nurse just said, no, honey, that's
just the baby moving. Don't worry. So it, I can't tell you how absolutely
Magnificent and pivotal, the nurses words and their voices and their hands
were during this whole experience. And again, my husband was in my face a
lot and I still love him. I still love him and I would do it again with
him, um. But I had a really great freaking team that were cheering me on.
So, uh, pushing standing up was not fun, and I didn't like that. And
pushing laying down wasn't getting the baby where she needed to be or the
baby because we didn't know what it was. And um long story short, I pushed
for 3 hours and 44 minutes and at about 3 hours and 3.5 hours, the OB said
, let's get the vacuum. I think we're in trouble here. And I thought,
thank fucking God. What took you so long? Do whatever you have to do, but
let's get this moving along because this sucks real bad. And um
I gave her one good last.
Push where I was like, OK, let's just. Get the vacuum, get this done, get
it out. The vacuum never made it to me, but I do remember Travis leaning
in saying, this is it, babe. This is it. This is gonna be the ring of fire.
This is it. You can do it. And I looked up and I said, What fucking ring
of fire? There's no ring. How did you know about the ring of fire and
nobody told me. And It was a very explicit minute that I understood very
much so what he was referring to by Ring of Fire, um, and so much so that
it still makes me shudder a little bit. Um, and then, then my sweet, sweet
baby that we had waited so long to meet and worked so hard. To get out Had
meconium
So I look over, I look to the right of me in this big giant room, right,
with my OB and my husband and my nurse and my student or new grad nurse,
and I look over.
And there is a team of probably 10 people standing there waiting to take
my baby away because she had Mac. And I'm like, fuck this. This is what I
worked for and I'm having a natural birth and they are gonna put that baby
on my chest. And so I delivered her head. And my amazing doctor sectioned
her while she was still inside of me, and she got to come up. She was a
girl. It was awesome. And they put her on me and I couldn't really see her
face, but the first time I saw her face, I said, but she looks exactly
like my brother. Are you sure it's a girl? And she um She cried and she
wouldn't nurse and.
She was perfect and amazing. And she's still A very independent young
woman. There's a lot to be said for a name, I think, and uh I didn't know
that then. I just thought Scarlett was a really cool girl's name. And I
love the name still, but she is a fiery, independent, amazing vessel.
And then, oh, and then came the placenta.
And another thing nobody told me. Was that redheads bleed a lot, and I
didn't know that. And so, um. They couldn't get my pressure up and they
couldn't get me to stop bleeding, and that was a little bit of a mess
because then I was trying to be present for this new person that I was
celebrating and Uh, trying to celebrate with my husband, and they had to
um keep me a little bit longer than. The average
brunette
OK, so how was the, uh, how was the breastfeeding? How did that work out?
My gosh, I had these giant boobs, right?
And like their purpose for existing is to feed your baby, right? And I was
so excited about this and I have, I'm fortunate enough to have two
mothers-in-law, mother-in-laws, mothers-in-law. One of which um would
never think of breastfeeding, and the other one is basically a low HA
league um captain person. And so I, and I didn't, I didn't know what
questions I would have. I mean, I just figured the baby would come out and
that's what they do, right? That's what they said in the Bradley method
classes. The baby comes out, will actually migrate up your stomach and
attach to your breast and it's magic and it's easy, and nobody told me and
I didn't know what questions to ask. So I had this little furry beast whom
I was totally madly in love with and I had these great big boobs to feed
her. And for some reason, the relationship wasn't working out. So, uh, the
lactation consultant specialist lady who's really wonderful and patient,
um, came to chat with me to see if I had any questions. And now at this
point, mind you, I had taken an Ambien. I had labored all night. I had
delivered. I had bled significantly, and so I really wasn't ready to
receive information, um. And I just figured the baby will get it
eventually, right? And I remember thinking, don't you want this? Like I'm
supposed to do like this. And she, the lactation consultant, helped me
with positioning the baby tummy to tummy and um I was really, excuse me, I
was really taken aback by how I I perceived her as being forceful with my
new baby, and really that took away from my, my being able to receive
information from her because she took my nipple and then she took my
beautiful brand new baby's head and like jammed it on there. Like it
wasn't a passive beautiful. Kissing situation, it was like a. Car wreck. I
mean, I just, I couldn't believe that she would handle my baby like that,
um. He And Scarlett didn't want to have anything to do with it. So I had
blisters and cracking and the pain that was associated with the
breastfeeding and my uterine cramping was also something nobody told me
about. I didn't know. And so I would get very discouraged and frustrated
because my vagina was so swollen, first of all that I needed a wheelbarrow
to get around and I. I was amazed by that. So I had this gigantic.
Situation between my legs that really was sore. I had this horrible
cramping in my belly and I had these giant sore rocks and Bleeding,
cracked, oozing nipples, and then this screaming beast because she was
trying to tell me she was hungry but didn't know how to make the situation
work. So, breastfeeding in the beginning was a real challenge. It was
really hard. And I'm really happy that I stuck with it. And uh my
beautiful daughter is 7 1/2 now, and I firmly believe she would still be
breastfeeding if I let her. She was a champion. Um, she got, and I loved
breastfeeding. It wasn't, it was never a, a modesty issue for me. Um, and
in fact, maybe another time I'll tell you funny stories about me not even
realizing that I was exposed and being in restaurants and such. And the
poor waiter just not knowing how to deal with me. Um.
I loved breastfeeding. I loved it, and my second daughter kicked me off.
She was done because she wanted and she was 8 months old. It was August
22nd was her last time that she latched on and she wouldn't do it anymore.
And it got to the point where I felt like I was trying to help her aim
and and get there and making her sort of do it and. It was over. Not many
women talk about the vagina transformation, but it's like shocking it is
truly shocking. I had no idea and
Well, I mean, I pushed for 4 frigging hours, man. So when I stood up and I
looked in the mirror for the first time, my face was swollen. All my blood
vessels in my eyes where I was beet red. I mean, I looked like I had
really been through it and I had, but there was a sort of sense of like I
knew I could do it without drugs. I, I knew it and I did it. And I was
doing it. I guess I wanted to prove something to myself. I didn't get a
badge. I didn't get. Anything but a really freaking swollen vagina and
like bloodshot eyes. Um, with my second child, I wouldn't progress past 4
centimeters and I think it's because I was so freaking petrified of that
damn ring of fire. I was petrified of doing that again. So I, I sort of
asked permission from my husband and, and I did it in the sense that I
looked over and I said, babe, what do you, what do you think? Cause the
nurse said, what do you think about an epidural? And I was like, I didn't
have to do that the first time. And then I said, what, what do you think,
honey? And my nurse, in an effort to sort of support me and empower me,
she said, this is your body and you make the decisions here. And I thought
, thank you so much, but we are sincerely a team and I, I, it matters to
me. What his opinion is. Um, and my husband, of course, didn't, he
wouldn't care. So I got the epidural and I'll be damned that kid came out
like I didn't even have to sneeze. I went from 4 centimeters to 10
centimeters. They said, don't push, don't, don't move. And I thought, OK,
no big deal at all. Told me to push once. I pushed twice. This Beautiful
little fuzzy thing came right up, migrated up my damn stomach, latched
onto my boob. There was no issues. I was not overly swollen. I was not
overly exhausted.
I mean, That that was it. It was a much, it was a much different picture.
It was a much different process, and I actually felt really resentful that
they let me go through that the first time. And and to my, you know, to my
own chagrin, I did it to myself, but nobody freaking told me. Nobody told
me I had no idea. And I sort of, I remember when I was, I was pushing with
Scarlett, um, and I remember being all sweaty and gross and naked and. Ozy
and I remember taking a breather between contractions and I heard another
woman down the hall screaming and I, I felt so empowered by that. I felt
that was so awesome and I remember thinking, right on, sister, you can do
it. You can do it too. We're we're going to do this because obviously she
was having a natural birth too, um, and. I remember, I remember that
snippet very vividly, that her voice was coming from down the hall on the
right side. Um, and sort of chuckling like, yeah, we could do this. When
you reflect on the experience, um, is there any way that you could, uh,
come up with like a word or a phrasing of words that kind of summarizes it
for you or kind of something that comes to mind because we are, you know,
we're separating them into themes and themes are always emerging and so
it's interesting to see what, um, you know what, I don't know. I want to
say kind of lessons like it was a one giant. Continuum of lessons about um
humility and love and patience and perseverance and um
No, I can't come up with just one word or a set of words. I mean, this was
probably the most monumental
experience of my entire life and will be until who knows what, um, but
this changed everything about me, um, whether it be during the period of
my pregnancy where even my hair was different and my skin was glowing and
um. To afterwards where I was really just part of a system now, you know,
and it was me and her and we did everything together. We slept together,
we ate together. She ate from me and um She, she could smell me from
across the room and I couldn't stand to not smell her, uh, so.
I don't know. I don't think I could pinpoint one word or one color or one
emotion. The, the thing that's popping up in my head is a rainbow for some
odd reason because um it was a continuum. It is a continuum and it's
growing and who knows where it's gonna end and um. There were so many
different colors associated with all the emotions that I felt, I mean from
like the black sorrow of failing at being a pregnant person, um, and then
the defeat of her saying you have Mac and looking over and seeing all
those people that were just waiting there to take my baby away. Uh, to
save her, to work on her. I mean, I just, I remember thinking like. Um, to
the pain, I mean, it was a really painful process, man. They talked about
contractions feeling like rolling hills and just rolling, and I did not
feel as though it was a passive, pretty process that damn right hurt. You
mean you didn't orgasm when you had a contraction? I didn't, and I
remember thinking like that is a possibility too because my Bradley method
instructor talked about like The greatest orgasm she had ever had was
giving birth to her son, and it was totally amazing. And I don't know how
the hell she pulled that off. Because again, I couldn't, they, they put
diapers on me that were filled with ice, packed with ice to get the
swelling down. And I remember thinking that was like sheer, that was a
prize. That was my prize. I pushed for 4 hours. I have bleeding, oozing
nipples. I have, I have this bloody vagina that is so huge. I mean, it's
like nothing you've ever seen before. I didn't know I could do that. And I
got an ice pack and it was enough. Did you at least get a hemorrhoid
though too, because that's I feel oddly enough, my husband's dear friend
is a mountaineer man, and he climbs mountains that I like Everest and
stuff. Why you would do that, I don't know. Whatever. And he talks, he
came to visit the baby when she was brand new, and somehow he was talking
about how uncomfortable he was being up on the mountain pushing and I just
said to him, you know, funny Greg, I just pushed this out of my body for 4
hours, so just get yourself some preparation and move on.
OK. Is there anything else that um you think you'd like to add?
No, it was cold cause it was New Year's Eve, um. And they were very, very
kind to us and brought us little bottles of martinelli's to celebrate and
um It was I mean, overall, I look back and I have overwhelming feelings of
bliss and accomplishment and um even though it was that insane and Fiery
and Hard, I would totally do it again. It's perfect, perfect ending. OK,
all right, I turn them off.