WEBVTT 00:00:00.730 --> 00:00:06.287 Let's see, they're both coming. All right. OK, so this is for Cli 00:00:06.320 --> 00:00:11.695 interviewing Shannon Ellison on May 27, 2016 at 2:30. So if you can take 00:00:11.728 --> 00:00:15.456 us as far back as the conception, so you have two children. I do have two 00:00:15.489 --> 00:00:22.416 children, both of them. I'm assuming we're consumed, conceived, consumed, 00:00:22.449 --> 00:00:27.296 and I was consumed by their conception on uh Saint Patty's Day, I'm 00:00:27.329 --> 00:00:32.656 guessing because Scarlett was due on December 23rd and Lily was due on 00:00:32.689 --> 00:00:40.689 December 25th and uh my now husband and I got engaged Christmas Day. 3 00:00:41.469 --> 00:00:46.366 months before our conception with Scarlett. So I had this big giant 00:00:46.399 --> 00:00:52.707 wedding planned and Uh I couldn't remember when I was supposed to get my 00:00:52.740 --> 00:00:57.467 period, even though I'm a nurse, those were details that I didn't, um, 00:00:57.500 --> 00:01:02.625 Focus on and I was, I never had a normal period anyway. So I was at work 00:01:02.658 --> 00:01:07.266 and I thought, gosh, I think it's been a while. When, when am I supposed 00:01:07.299 --> 00:01:13.286 to get my period? And one of the other nurses uh had some. descriptors 00:01:13.319 --> 00:01:17.296 about me because I was a nurse and uh I made an appointment. No, I went 00:01:17.329 --> 00:01:21.286 home and I took a pregnancy test and my husband, my fiance then was in the 00:01:21.319 --> 00:01:26.676 field. He's an archaeologist. So he was nowhere to be seen and was not a 00:01:26.709 --> 00:01:31.676 phone call away. And I had a glass of wine and I took my pregnancy test 00:01:31.709 --> 00:01:38.626 like every good nurse should, and there were two lines. I was totally 00:01:38.659 --> 00:01:42.266 pregnant and I sat with my cat and I thought, what should I do? I should 00:01:42.299 --> 00:01:47.346 take vitamins. I should take vitamins right now. So I did not pick up a 00:01:47.379 --> 00:01:53.286 cigarette and I Took some folic acid and some. Multivitamin that I had 00:01:53.319 --> 00:01:57.165 laying around and um. 00:01:57.198 --> 00:02:01.007 Went to bed. And 00:02:01.040 --> 00:02:05.956 That was the first minute that I knew I was pregnant. So when were you 00:02:05.989 --> 00:02:12.686 able to tell your husband? My fiance, he came back and he, uh, we had the 00:02:12.719 --> 00:02:19.606 best little house downtown. It was the best, and he came back from being 00:02:19.639 --> 00:02:24.967 out in the field and he came in and he had a pack of beer and a pack of 00:02:25.000 --> 00:02:28.525 cigarettes and he was like, hey, um, I know you were talking about going 00:02:28.558 --> 00:02:32.416 to the doctor because you were having those cramps. Did, did you get to 00:02:32.449 --> 00:02:36.096 the doctor? And I said, well, yes, I did. He said, oh, OK, well, how did 00:02:36.129 --> 00:02:42.297 it go? And I said, well, you're gonna be a father. I'm pregnant and he 00:02:42.330 --> 00:02:45.987 He stood up and he said, well, congratulations. 00:02:46.020 --> 00:02:54.020 And I said, thank you and thank you. You, thank you. So 00:02:54.860 --> 00:02:59.376 I think he got to light up a cigarette and he didn't crack a beer and his 00:02:59.409 --> 00:03:02.896 first comment was, what if I'm not a good dad? What if I'm not good at 00:03:02.929 --> 00:03:07.616 this? And I, I mean, he was the only guy I was ever going to marry, so I 00:03:07.649 --> 00:03:11.797 knew, I knew I was gonna marry him for a lot of great reasons. And by 00:03:11.830 --> 00:03:16.696 golly, he turned out to be a phenomenal dad. So that's how that unveiling 00:03:16.729 --> 00:03:18.767 went. 00:03:18.800 --> 00:03:23.686 Did you have um family in town, you know, or a support network, other 00:03:23.719 --> 00:03:28.066 women that had babies to talk to? 00:03:28.099 --> 00:03:33.866 We took the geographical cure. Um, both of us did. So I emigrated out here 00:03:33.899 --> 00:03:41.899 from New Jersey on purpose, and my husband came from Oklahoma. So no. Our 00:03:42.258 --> 00:03:46.505 support system is our chosen family, the people that we choose to be 00:03:46.538 --> 00:03:50.427 around, uh, he went to grad school out here, so he had some really close 00:03:50.460 --> 00:03:54.386 friends and I went to. Many years of college out here, so I've got some 00:03:54.419 --> 00:03:58.237 really close wonderful friends that I, I consider to be my family. But as 00:03:58.270 --> 00:04:02.876 far as um other people that have had children, I have one girlfriend that 00:04:02.909 --> 00:04:10.909 had a child before me and Canyon is 6 years older than Scarlett. 00:04:12.469 --> 00:04:18.776 So, no, no. And one of our friends um talked us into taking the Bradley 00:04:18.809 --> 00:04:25.887 method class, uh which is uh a husband coached childbirth and That was a 00:04:25.920 --> 00:04:31.346 little challenging for me as a as a nurse because it was almost like they 00:04:31.379 --> 00:04:37.546 were plotting the health care system. Against natural childbirth, and I 00:04:37.579 --> 00:04:45.067 feel like Flagstaff is a very open, a very communicative, very amazing 00:04:45.100 --> 00:04:50.137 community and frankly, the nurses, the nurses talked me through a lot of 00:04:50.170 --> 00:04:53.705 stuff. My husband was there and was absolutely amazing, but those nurses 00:04:53.738 --> 00:05:01.738 were unbelievably supportive. So had you um had a kind of plan? I roll my 00:05:01.920 --> 00:05:06.486 eyes because now I look back and that that birth plan was so important to 00:05:06.519 --> 00:05:10.645 me and I showed up with my little 3 by 5 card that I had meticulously 00:05:10.678 --> 00:05:15.606 mapped out and really in the end, the only thing that I wanted desperately 00:05:15.639 --> 00:05:22.127 was to give birth and have the baby on my chest. And that of course opens 00:05:22.160 --> 00:05:28.166 up a whole other myriad of the journey to give birth for me because it 00:05:28.199 --> 00:05:35.265 wasn't just It was not as easy as I thought it was gonna be. The pregnancy 00:05:35.298 --> 00:05:43.298 part had a lot of um unanticipated. Issues So the night before I was gonna 00:05:46.619 --> 00:05:50.426 be in the safe zone, the night before I was gonna be 12 weeks pregnant. Uh 00:05:50.459 --> 00:05:58.459 , my husband and I, my fiance and I were Curled up in bed and 00:05:59.410 --> 00:06:03.395 What I thought then was having to use the restroom often, which later 00:06:03.428 --> 00:06:07.007 became a joke because I didn't have a clue. Uh, I jumped up and I went to 00:06:07.040 --> 00:06:14.687 the restroom and I had my first major bleed. And I bled out and I. 00:06:14.720 --> 00:06:17.447 Of course, I didn't know what to do and I thought, OK, well, I was 00:06:17.480 --> 00:06:20.127 supposed to be safe tomorrow because at 12 weeks, everything is safe and 00:06:20.160 --> 00:06:23.366 everything is OK, right? I mean, that's when you know you have a viable 00:06:23.399 --> 00:06:30.536 pregnancy. And so I called the doctor on call, and I said, I'm bleeding 00:06:30.569 --> 00:06:35.786 and it's not just like I'm spotting like I sat down on the toilet and I 00:06:35.819 --> 00:06:42.226 bled out and I don't feel faint um and I don't feel any pain, but we 00:06:42.259 --> 00:06:47.387 definitely have an issue here. And that OB on the phone said to me, OK, 00:06:47.420 --> 00:06:49.666 well, it sounds like you're going to have a miscarriage, and if you're 00:06:49.699 --> 00:06:54.086 gonna do that, you want to do that at home. And I said, but I don't want 00:06:54.119 --> 00:06:59.276 to have a miscarriage. I, I don't want that. And he said, well, Basically 00:06:59.309 --> 00:07:06.536 , that's the writing on the wall and Just go back to bed and if, if you 00:07:06.569 --> 00:07:10.536 feel like you're bleeding too much or if the cramps come, um, and they're 00:07:10.569 --> 00:07:14.817 uncontrollable, you may want to bring yourself to the ER. 00:07:14.850 --> 00:07:20.447 So my husband and I did some crying and we um. 00:07:20.480 --> 00:07:24.166 went to sleep and called one of my nursing friends in the morning who came 00:07:24.199 --> 00:07:27.726 and then cried with my husband. And I was in bed in shock, like, well, 00:07:27.759 --> 00:07:32.726 here I go, uh, you know, I'm pregnant before I'm married and this is what 00:07:32.759 --> 00:07:39.197 I get, right? Right. So, um, she came and sat on the bed and she said the 00:07:39.230 --> 00:07:43.257 only thing that you have going for you is that you're not cramping. 00:07:43.290 --> 00:07:47.645 there's no other reason. There's no reason that you shouldn't be cramping 00:07:47.678 --> 00:07:52.296 with the amount of blood that you said you've lost and um we waited for 00:07:52.329 --> 00:07:57.526 the doctor's office to open so we could go in and have that ultrasound 00:07:57.559 --> 00:08:03.645 done. And we were in the corner hysterical because we wanted this baby. I 00:08:03.678 --> 00:08:07.805 mean, she was a surprise. We didn't know, uh, we didn't know that we 00:08:07.838 --> 00:08:12.567 wanted her so much until we almost lost her. Um, and so we went in and we 00:08:12.600 --> 00:08:18.705 sat in the corner and they called us back and 00:08:18.738 --> 00:08:24.986 The um The sweet technician, I'll never forget because you know the the 00:08:25.019 --> 00:08:28.976 gel was cold on my tummy and the paper was cold and everything in that 00:08:29.009 --> 00:08:35.417 office was cold and unwelcoming and not warm and you know I was more 00:08:35.450 --> 00:08:41.496 hysterical than this and my sweet sweet Travis was also hysterical and she 00:08:41.529 --> 00:08:45.616 said there's a heartbeat and I'll never forget that breath that I took at 00:08:45.649 --> 00:08:51.936 that minute thinking thank God or thank whomever, thankfully. 00:08:51.969 --> 00:08:57.177 And um We cried more and then we went home and cried more and they 00:08:57.210 --> 00:09:00.025 couldn't figure out why I was bleeding and that was the first of a few 00:09:00.058 --> 00:09:07.726 bleeds, um. And I, I must have taken some a little bit of time off from 00:09:07.759 --> 00:09:12.217 work and. Um, we were, we had to move our wedding, you know, cause I 00:09:12.250 --> 00:09:18.265 didn't want to be. To morose when I was. Waddling down the aisle. So we 00:09:18.298 --> 00:09:25.057 moved our wedding um from uh the solstice in the fall to 4th of July 00:09:25.090 --> 00:09:29.226 weekend. Because that seemed like the next logical thing to do. So I had 00:09:29.259 --> 00:09:31.866 something to focus on, right? I wasn't bleeding anymore and they said 00:09:31.899 --> 00:09:35.366 there was a healthy heartbeat and We could move forward with trying to 00:09:35.399 --> 00:09:41.326 live like normal human beings that were just pregnant. So we did that and 00:09:41.359 --> 00:09:46.086 we planned this big wedding and um we weren't allowed to have sex. That 00:09:46.119 --> 00:09:51.407 was another thing, which, OK, so I think shortly after my first bleed is 00:09:51.440 --> 00:09:55.875 when the morning sickness happened, and I scoff at that term because I had 00:09:55.908 --> 00:10:03.145 nausea. Morning, mid-morning, afternoon, evening time, um, in the middle 00:10:03.178 --> 00:10:07.586 of the night. I mean, I, I have vomited in every single patient room on 00:10:07.619 --> 00:10:12.726 the floor that I had worked on, hands down. And, and it just got to the 00:10:12.759 --> 00:10:15.927 point where it's sort of a natural process. I would just lean over and 00:10:15.960 --> 00:10:22.686 lose breakfast. Uh, I'm glad that's over. Anyway, so were you still able 00:10:22.719 --> 00:10:28.385 to gain weight? Oh, I was a champion weight gainer. I was really good at 00:10:28.418 --> 00:10:34.917 that, I think, um. At one of the appointments after I had surpassed 220, 00:10:34.950 --> 00:10:38.836 my husband just gave me a high five and said, way to go, mama, way to do 00:10:38.869 --> 00:10:45.356 it. Uh, I, I gained about 70 pounds with each kid despite my chronic 00:10:45.389 --> 00:10:48.787 nausea, but that was the only thing that helped really was to put 00:10:48.820 --> 00:10:55.515 something else in. And everything tasted really good. Everything tasted 00:10:55.548 --> 00:10:59.586 really good. I had to have airheads, you know, that candy. I had to have 00:10:59.619 --> 00:11:04.866 that on my vessel at all times, so I could ingest it, even though now the 00:11:04.899 --> 00:11:11.427 smell of it and the taste of it is not very appealing. Hm. So, yes, I was 00:11:11.460 --> 00:11:16.346 able to gain weight effectively. Was that, how was the like body 00:11:16.379 --> 00:11:21.417 transformation and feeling the The one inside you and all of that. It was 00:11:21.450 --> 00:11:26.765 insane feeling everything felt different, right? I mean, and looking at me 00:11:26.798 --> 00:11:31.057 , I was a pregnant person from, you know, I leveled down. I was just 00:11:31.090 --> 00:11:36.657 pregnant everywhere. My hair was finally thick. First time in my life I 00:11:36.690 --> 00:11:42.417 had actual thick hair that wasn't. The way that it currently is, um, my 00:11:42.450 --> 00:11:47.775 boobs were giant and my belly, I mean, I was the most pregnant person 00:11:47.808 --> 00:11:52.967 you've ever seen in your entire life for months, months, and it was 00:11:53.000 --> 00:11:56.125 awesome. I loved it. I mean, at the end, getting up and down was a little 00:11:56.158 --> 00:12:01.566 challenging, but. I did it. We made it through. 00:12:01.599 --> 00:12:04.025 So 00:12:04.058 --> 00:12:10.346 Getting back to our wedding, I wasn't too terribly. Um, large at that 00:12:10.379 --> 00:12:14.346 point. I was only about 4 months pregnant. I had a bump, but I could have 00:12:14.379 --> 00:12:17.385 also just eaten a very large meal. I mean, it wasn't anything significant 00:12:17.418 --> 00:12:23.336 , but I was a more slender person then, you know. So we got married, not 00:12:23.369 --> 00:12:26.686 allowed to have sex on our wedding night, which is kind of like a bummer, 00:12:26.719 --> 00:12:29.606 but apparently we had already done it before, so there was no big 00:12:29.639 --> 00:12:37.639 unveiling there. Um. And my mother, in true form, had a heart attack on 00:12:38.840 --> 00:12:44.537 the way back from our wedding back home to New Jersey on the airplane. So 00:12:44.570 --> 00:12:47.967 instead of having a honeymoon where we relax and enjoy each other, we went 00:12:48.000 --> 00:12:55.525 to the cath lab in New Jersey. So, and that's when I had another bleed, um 00:12:55.558 --> 00:13:00.807 , when I was back there, and I remember thinking, shit. Shit, what should 00:13:00.840 --> 00:13:03.606 I do? I, this, and this time I remember thinking, well, Travis should look 00:13:03.639 --> 00:13:10.025 at this because maybe I'm hysterical, um, and my husband is Um, and he's 00:13:10.058 --> 00:13:15.025 an archaeologist, so fluids are not at all appealing to him on any level. 00:13:15.058 --> 00:13:17.907 And, but he did it like a champion and he looked and he said, yeah, 00:13:17.940 --> 00:13:24.706 you're right, that's blood. And I called the OB on call, um. Who was here 00:13:24.739 --> 00:13:29.116 , you know, in Flagstaff and She was calmer and she said, OK, well, tell 00:13:29.149 --> 00:13:33.005 me about the blood and tell me about how you're feeling. And I did, and 00:13:33.038 --> 00:13:36.366 she said, Well, I think you should just keep your feet up for a couple of 00:13:36.399 --> 00:13:42.217 days and um when you come back, we're, we're gonna figure something out. 00:13:42.250 --> 00:13:48.385 So, spent the rest of my amazingly relaxing honeymoon there and flew back 00:13:48.418 --> 00:13:53.625 home and started thinking about what is causing these bleeds. So we went 00:13:53.658 --> 00:13:57.547 back for another ultrasound, and at this point, from here on out, we 00:13:57.580 --> 00:14:02.625 started having ultrasounds about weekly. Uh, baby fetus, who was a 00:14:02.658 --> 00:14:07.076 surprise, and I was really hell bent on this being a surprise. We didn't 00:14:07.109 --> 00:14:10.307 know what the sex of the baby was going to be, and I'm really happy we did 00:14:10.340 --> 00:14:12.537 that. 00:14:12.570 --> 00:14:14.856 Um 00:14:14.889 --> 00:14:18.775 Started looking more deeply into what was going on. So we went for another 00:14:18.808 --> 00:14:23.366 ultrasound and I can't tell you how far along I was in the pregnancy. I 00:14:23.399 --> 00:14:27.775 guess if it was right after my wedding, I must have been 4.5 months. Uh, 00:14:27.808 --> 00:14:34.895 so, There was a point when the tech lady, who was not the same tech lady 00:14:34.928 --> 00:14:38.856 as that beautiful woman who delivered that beautiful news, she was a 00:14:38.889 --> 00:14:44.976 different woman and she was sort of more fierce and pointed and Where the 00:14:45.009 --> 00:14:49.856 other ultrasound, there was sort of a um a joyous relief. This ultrasound 00:14:49.889 --> 00:14:55.917 , she got real quiet and um didn't want to divulge anything, sort of 00:14:55.950 --> 00:14:59.375 cryptic, if you will. So, but I figured, well, OK, well, maybe she's just 00:14:59.408 --> 00:15:05.206 having a bad day or she's unpleasant. Could be any combination of the two. 00:15:05.239 --> 00:15:10.316 So, that's when I got referred to a specialist down in Phoenix because 00:15:10.349 --> 00:15:16.167 they thought I had vasarevia, um, which is sort of a 00:15:16.200 --> 00:15:23.875 A problem with the umbilical cord and the flow of blood, uh, and went down 00:15:23.908 --> 00:15:28.515 to Phoenix to a specialist down there who basically said, you need to have 00:15:28.548 --> 00:15:33.486 your feet up, you can eat some licorice, have snacks by you all the time. 00:15:33.519 --> 00:15:38.145 But you are not to work anymore and you need to take it easy. Um, if you 00:15:38.178 --> 00:15:42.346 make it to 28 weeks pregnant, you need to move down here to Good Sam 00:15:42.379 --> 00:15:45.547 because that's where we have the most intense NICU and we can best care 00:15:45.580 --> 00:15:51.657 for your baby and for you. And I thought, well, obviously this man doesn't 00:15:51.690 --> 00:15:55.217 understand that I'm about where I have married an archaeologist and I am 00:15:55.250 --> 00:16:00.297 the breadwinner because I can't just take all that time off, foolish man. 00:16:00.330 --> 00:16:05.217 Um, and it turns out I didn't have vasarevia. I had placenta previa, but I 00:16:05.250 --> 00:16:09.736 had a complete previa, and that's why I was having these bleeds because of 00:16:09.769 --> 00:16:14.057 the shift, um, and with my uterus and the placenta, when, when it would 00:16:14.090 --> 00:16:19.505 shift or grow or move, I would bleed out. And uh so the bleeding episodes 00:16:19.538 --> 00:16:25.356 , I believe happened 3 times, and they were again significant events that 00:16:25.389 --> 00:16:30.375 was like, oh, why don't I feel faint? What's going on here? Nurse had, 00:16:30.408 --> 00:16:38.086 right? Mom had I'm like my baby. So, uh. Down I went on the couch with my 00:16:38.119 --> 00:16:44.025 remote control and my snacks and my cat and I incubated. 00:16:44.058 --> 00:16:48.635 I grove the baby. For how long? 00:16:48.668 --> 00:16:55.135 First lesson in parenting, you are not in control of anything. So, due 00:16:55.168 --> 00:17:00.206 date was December 23rd. 00:17:00.239 --> 00:17:05.726 If I, and I don't remember what the date of my 28 weeks where it was gonna 00:17:05.759 --> 00:17:08.726 be a viable fetus. I don't remember what that was. I'm sure I have it 00:17:08.759 --> 00:17:12.617 written somewhere. Um. 00:17:12.650 --> 00:17:20.650 But Christmas came and Christmas went, and my previa cleared magically and 00:17:20.650 --> 00:17:27.717 that kid. Would not come out. All of that perseverating and all, I mean, I 00:17:27.750 --> 00:17:33.436 was a mess because I was failing. I mean, basically, right? I mean, I 00:17:33.469 --> 00:17:37.357 failed for my family because I got pregnant before I got married, which I 00:17:37.390 --> 00:17:43.217 don't, I don't care about. And by the by, I got pregnant, I got married, I 00:17:43.250 --> 00:17:46.717 got married barefoot and pregnant and it was like the most magical thing 00:17:46.750 --> 00:17:53.097 that could have happened and it was amazing. It was wonderful, um. And I, 00:17:53.130 --> 00:17:57.617 I would totally repeat that. I would totally repeat that story chapter in 00:17:57.650 --> 00:18:01.795 my life. Um 00:18:01.828 --> 00:18:06.156 So I felt like I wasn't going to make it to be a big giant huge pregnant 00:18:06.189 --> 00:18:12.607 person, and I was wrong. I was really pregnant and really big and I really 00:18:12.640 --> 00:18:17.555 was done being pregnant by the end of it, which was funny because I worked 00:18:17.588 --> 00:18:20.835 so hard at staying pregnant and being pregnant and I had spent a lot of 00:18:20.868 --> 00:18:24.357 time beating myself up because I felt like I was snailing at it and I 00:18:24.390 --> 00:18:28.186 couldn't. I couldn't give my husband a healthy baby or a healthy pregnancy 00:18:28.219 --> 00:18:32.347 , and I couldn't be a partner that was contributing because I had to lay 00:18:32.380 --> 00:18:38.357 down and grow this surprise baby. And there was a lot of good things to 00:18:38.390 --> 00:18:43.825 look forward to because we didn't know if it was a boy or a girl and um 00:18:43.858 --> 00:18:48.436 and that was a challenge to keep that under wraps when we had, you know, 00:18:48.469 --> 00:18:53.597 107 ultrasounds and people in the chart all the time making sure that we 00:18:53.630 --> 00:18:58.295 were going to sustain the pregnancy. 00:18:58.328 --> 00:19:04.706 So, um, OK, so you're super pregnant, you're super unhappy about it. And 00:19:04.739 --> 00:19:11.815 then did you feel a contraction? Did you? I had contractions. I couldn't 00:19:11.848 --> 00:19:17.637 move, so I'm on still on light duty, right? So eventually I'm like, look. 00:19:17.670 --> 00:19:22.926 I have to do some work, so they shuffled me up to medical records. And 00:19:22.959 --> 00:19:25.686 where I got to do a lot of squats, which was apparently really good for 00:19:25.719 --> 00:19:30.085 the birthing plan according to Mr. Bradley, and I got to have a lot of 00:19:30.118 --> 00:19:35.726 snacks and I couldn't walk 10 ft without having a contraction. I had more 00:19:35.759 --> 00:19:40.565 contractions with this sweet, sweet child of mine than you could possibly 00:19:40.598 --> 00:19:46.476 imagine. I couldn't get to my car without having to stop. I mean. But I 00:19:46.509 --> 00:19:53.357 also like couldn't keep it going if that makes sense. So I had, I had an 00:19:53.390 --> 00:19:57.186 induction massage done. 00:19:57.219 --> 00:20:03.305 And I was really pissed that I had waited until I was post due to have a 00:20:03.338 --> 00:20:08.805 pregnancy massage. Why, why, well, I didn't know. I didn't know. Nobody 00:20:08.838 --> 00:20:13.825 told me. I had no idea. What is it? I don't know what that is. It was 00:20:13.858 --> 00:20:17.847 magic. It was magic. They lay you on a table with all these supportive 00:20:17.880 --> 00:20:22.226 pillows and they adjust you and they rubbed things that I didn't even know 00:20:22.259 --> 00:20:27.147 I had, and basically the induction pressure point is on your toes. So she 00:20:27.180 --> 00:20:31.266 spent a lot of time rubbing my toes, which normally nobody's allowed to 00:20:31.299 --> 00:20:36.456 touch my feet, but this magical woman and her magical hands massaged me 00:20:36.489 --> 00:20:41.706 and rubbed me and I said, I could, I can do this. I can do this all the 00:20:41.739 --> 00:20:49.739 time. And then, uh, eventually, my OB, who I really, really, really, 00:20:50.959 --> 00:20:56.986 really appreciate and love and got me through this. She said, you know, 00:20:57.019 --> 00:21:00.906 it's time we got to start thinking about eviction here. And I said, well, 00:21:00.939 --> 00:21:05.506 you know, that's a no no because I'm a Bradley mom and you got to let it 00:21:05.539 --> 00:21:10.526 happen naturally. And she said, OK, but You're gonna be 8 days past due 00:21:10.559 --> 00:21:15.357 and it's time. And I said, OK, baby was getting bigger and I was getting 00:21:15.390 --> 00:21:21.746 bigger and her fluid was not getting bigger. So I, we agree that we are 00:21:21.779 --> 00:21:26.545 going to be induced despite what every, despite all the classroom time 00:21:26.578 --> 00:21:32.367 that we had spent with Doctor Bradley and his people. Who said induction 00:21:32.400 --> 00:21:35.835 is not the best way to go. You want to let this happen naturally because, 00:21:35.868 --> 00:21:38.666 you know, if you get induced, then obviously you're gonna have to 00:21:38.699 --> 00:21:42.305 intervene with drugs, right? And drugs are bad. And I didn't want anything 00:21:42.338 --> 00:21:46.706 else to be bad with this pregnancy. And you better believe that I was 00:21:46.739 --> 00:21:52.127 gonna have a natural birth, come hell or high water. I was gonna do that. 00:21:52.160 --> 00:21:54.996 How did that work out? 00:21:55.029 --> 00:22:03.029 Well, The clarity of hindsight has offered the most amazing gift. So, We 00:22:04.939 --> 00:22:09.607 go out to dinner We're super excited. Everyone is commenting on how large 00:22:09.640 --> 00:22:13.726 I am because now I can't fit anywhere or move, and the nice young man was 00:22:13.759 --> 00:22:19.147 like, oh, the, the server. Oh, are you what are you gonna do about that? 00:22:19.180 --> 00:22:21.926 And I said, we're actually gonna go and get induced right now after this 00:22:21.959 --> 00:22:25.496 wonderful dinner that you serve us. So it's kind of sweet and fun and we 00:22:25.529 --> 00:22:30.295 check in and my old nursing instructor was there and she's like, You are 00:22:30.328 --> 00:22:34.776 huge. I said, I know I'm huge, but I was really hungry and she said, you 00:22:34.809 --> 00:22:39.295 know, so and so gave birth earlier today and she only gained 8 pounds and 00:22:39.328 --> 00:22:43.815 had a 6 pound baby. You, you went for the, the gold and you did it, and I 00:22:43.848 --> 00:22:51.848 , I did. Um, so there we are, we're checked in and We have our nurse, Joe 00:22:52.539 --> 00:22:59.347 , who was wonderful, and her new graduate nurse who was on her last night 00:22:59.380 --> 00:23:03.107 of preceptorship, which matters to me now, then I just thought it was 00:23:03.140 --> 00:23:07.825 sweet and special. So I got two nurses for the price of one, right? And 00:23:07.858 --> 00:23:14.206 Andrietta was her name. Sweet, wonderful, adorable, and they sort of, you 00:23:14.239 --> 00:23:17.686 know, they had done this 50,000 times before and this was my first time 00:23:17.719 --> 00:23:22.526 and again, I show up with my birth plan because I am a diligent birthing 00:23:22.559 --> 00:23:28.565 person and that's what I'm supposed to do and we're ready to go. The plan 00:23:28.598 --> 00:23:35.295 is I'm gonna get a gel and an Ambien. And the Ambien is to help me sleep. 00:23:35.328 --> 00:23:38.936 So, um, when I wake up in the morning to give birth, I'll be ready and 00:23:38.969 --> 00:23:45.377 charged to go. And I'm thinking, awesome, great, I love this idea. So they 00:23:45.410 --> 00:23:50.397 give me the gel, and about 30 minutes later, they give me the Ambien. And 00:23:50.430 --> 00:23:54.825 I'm drinking juice out of my little graduated cylinder and we're watching 00:23:54.858 --> 00:24:01.156 Spaceballs was on TV and um and this is December 30th. 00:24:01.189 --> 00:24:04.555 So, thinking, OK, we're gonna have a baby on New Year's Eve. How cool is 00:24:04.588 --> 00:24:08.315 that? Maybe, I mean, if the baby comes, cause Doctor Bradley lets you know 00:24:08.348 --> 00:24:12.627 that it could take a while, right? 00:24:12.660 --> 00:24:14.666 So 00:24:14.699 --> 00:24:19.706 they have those things on you, the monitors, which are kind of irritating 00:24:19.739 --> 00:24:24.946 when you're a big giant person anyway. But, OK, they have them on me. And 00:24:24.979 --> 00:24:30.065 the nurse came in to check on me about 35 minutes after my Ambien and I, I 00:24:30.098 --> 00:24:33.147 said to her, this came out of my mouth. You know, I think you were a 00:24:33.180 --> 00:24:37.186 little rough putting that gel in because I'm having these terrible cramps 00:24:37.219 --> 00:24:44.075 now. Me, the nurse, the nurse, and not a novice nurse like a nurse. And 00:24:44.108 --> 00:24:48.397 she said, Honey, those aren't cramps, you're in labor. And I said, No, see 00:24:48.430 --> 00:24:52.156 , that can't happen because you gave me an Ambien and I need to sleep 00:24:52.189 --> 00:24:56.357 first. That's what happens. I sleep first and then I have the baby. That's 00:24:56.390 --> 00:25:00.476 how that happens. And she said, No, honey, no. Why don't you have some 00:25:00.509 --> 00:25:05.097 more juice and we'll just see how this goes. 00:25:05.130 --> 00:25:08.736 So away we went, and I'll be damned if I didn't labor all through the 00:25:08.769 --> 00:25:16.769 night. And it was OK. I really, I really didn't. I think that the labor 00:25:16.890 --> 00:25:20.315 pains, that the contractions were going to just feel like cramps, like my 00:25:20.348 --> 00:25:25.065 menstrual cramps. I really thought that they were going to be a specific 00:25:25.098 --> 00:25:31.075 sort of different, more identifiable pain, but um what a learning lesson. 00:25:31.108 --> 00:25:37.585 What a learning lesson. So, again, really, the big thing on my plate was 00:25:37.618 --> 00:25:43.016 that I was gonna deliver this baby naturally with no interventions, and I 00:25:43.049 --> 00:25:46.785 was going, I was going to have the baby put on my chest. I was also going 00:25:46.818 --> 00:25:52.627 to breastfeed for the rest of my life because I was set on that. 00:25:52.660 --> 00:25:56.467 So we did a lot of laboring. We did a lot of laboring and a lot of 00:25:56.500 --> 00:26:00.147 screaming. And at one point, I remember they had me stand up and now 00:26:00.180 --> 00:26:05.936 standing was a chore anyway cause I was like, you know, 220 plus of water 00:26:05.969 --> 00:26:10.617 weight and baby. And then they wanted me to try to stand up and labor and 00:26:10.650 --> 00:26:14.516 I remember or push. And I remember thinking, this is not working, you're 00:26:14.549 --> 00:26:17.815 crazy. And I 00:26:17.848 --> 00:26:21.756 Labored till about. 00:26:21.789 --> 00:26:25.936 Um, early in the morning. And I was so excited that I was going to get in 00:26:25.969 --> 00:26:28.996 the bathtub. I was really looking forward to that because the hospital has 00:26:29.029 --> 00:26:32.276 never ending hot water, right? And I, that's one of my favorite things, 00:26:32.309 --> 00:26:36.156 and I was too big to fit in the bathtub at my house because it was this 00:26:36.189 --> 00:26:40.236 little old bungalow and it was a really narrow tub and I did get stuck in 00:26:40.269 --> 00:26:44.996 it um about 7 months into the pregnancy and I couldn't get out. So I was 00:26:45.029 --> 00:26:49.607 really looking forward to sitting in a bathtub and relaxing in there. So 00:26:49.640 --> 00:26:53.166 they had me on that labor ball, the bouncy ball for a little while when 00:26:53.199 --> 00:26:56.607 the contractions were happening. And I said, you know, I think now's a 00:26:56.640 --> 00:27:01.166 good time. I was about 4 centimeters dilated. Um, I said, I think now is a 00:27:01.199 --> 00:27:05.486 really good time for me to get into the bathtub. I'm feeling like that 00:27:05.519 --> 00:27:09.166 will help me relax because I was sort of unprepared mentally for the kind 00:27:09.199 --> 00:27:14.647 of pain I was having. So I stood up off the ball and there went my water. 00:27:14.680 --> 00:27:17.766 My water broke and they kind of said, well, you know what that means no 00:27:17.799 --> 00:27:23.776 more bathtub for you. And I was like, all right, well, how about I try a 00:27:23.809 --> 00:27:28.656 shower? Let's try a shower. So I had done a lot of sweating and screaming 00:27:28.689 --> 00:27:34.256 and moaning and got into the shower, and that was the most magical part 00:27:34.289 --> 00:27:39.016 about that room, I think, um. 00:27:39.049 --> 00:27:43.666 It was amazing and I was able to calm myself down and I was able just to 00:27:43.699 --> 00:27:49.847 appreciate that this was it, this was gonna happen now and I came waddling 00:27:49.880 --> 00:27:55.266 out as a completely stark naked person and I said, I think I need to push. 00:27:55.299 --> 00:27:58.926 And the nurses said, Don't be ridiculous. You were just 4 centimeters and 00:27:58.959 --> 00:28:02.847 we've been out this all night and I don't, you're not there yet. And I 00:28:02.880 --> 00:28:07.726 said, Well, um, I think you may be wrong, so why don't you come in here 00:28:07.759 --> 00:28:12.565 and see. Well, and lo and behold, she said, OK, let's get the doctor here 00:28:12.598 --> 00:28:19.276 quickly. So I blame or thank or whatever you wanna say, um the water for 00:28:19.309 --> 00:28:24.656 helping me transition and being able to relax enough to get there. Um, and 00:28:24.689 --> 00:28:29.696 I looked at the clock, and it was 4, it was 4 o'clock in the morning on 00:28:29.729 --> 00:28:32.176 the dot. 00:28:32.209 --> 00:28:37.217 And they had my legs up and they said, OK, and so now in my Bradley Me 00:28:37.250 --> 00:28:42.055 classes, they had been sure to tell you the first. The first birth, you 00:28:42.088 --> 00:28:45.815 usually push for about an hour, right? And I remember thinking like, OK, 00:28:45.848 --> 00:28:49.456 this has been really hard, but I can totally do this. I can totally do 00:28:49.489 --> 00:28:53.916 this for another hour. So we did some practice pushes and I was doing it 00:28:53.949 --> 00:29:00.706 OK according to the nurses, and we went for it. And we kept going and kept 00:29:00.739 --> 00:29:06.575 going and kept going and then we had to push. I pushed in every position 00:29:06.608 --> 00:29:10.986 you could possibly think of. I did a lot of laboring over the back of the 00:29:11.019 --> 00:29:16.627 bed, I feel like. And at one point I remember saying, my back, my back, 00:29:16.660 --> 00:29:23.065 it's breaking my back. And um the sweet nurse just said, no, honey, that's 00:29:23.098 --> 00:29:29.555 just the baby moving. Don't worry. So it, I can't tell you how absolutely 00:29:29.588 --> 00:29:35.217 Magnificent and pivotal, the nurses words and their voices and their hands 00:29:35.250 --> 00:29:38.256 were during this whole experience. And again, my husband was in my face a 00:29:38.289 --> 00:29:42.016 lot and I still love him. I still love him and I would do it again with 00:29:42.049 --> 00:29:48.406 him, um. But I had a really great freaking team that were cheering me on. 00:29:48.439 --> 00:29:55.357 So, uh, pushing standing up was not fun, and I didn't like that. And 00:29:55.390 --> 00:29:59.075 pushing laying down wasn't getting the baby where she needed to be or the 00:29:59.108 --> 00:30:03.696 baby because we didn't know what it was. And um long story short, I pushed 00:30:03.729 --> 00:30:11.729 for 3 hours and 44 minutes and at about 3 hours and 3.5 hours, the OB said 00:30:12.430 --> 00:30:17.696 , let's get the vacuum. I think we're in trouble here. And I thought, 00:30:17.729 --> 00:30:23.377 thank fucking God. What took you so long? Do whatever you have to do, but 00:30:23.410 --> 00:30:30.446 let's get this moving along because this sucks real bad. And um 00:30:30.479 --> 00:30:34.156 I gave her one good last. 00:30:34.189 --> 00:30:38.335 Push where I was like, OK, let's just. Get the vacuum, get this done, get 00:30:38.368 --> 00:30:44.535 it out. The vacuum never made it to me, but I do remember Travis leaning 00:30:44.568 --> 00:30:48.055 in saying, this is it, babe. This is it. This is gonna be the ring of fire. 00:30:48.088 --> 00:30:51.897 This is it. You can do it. And I looked up and I said, What fucking ring 00:30:51.930 --> 00:30:55.456 of fire? There's no ring. How did you know about the ring of fire and 00:30:55.489 --> 00:31:02.565 nobody told me. And It was a very explicit minute that I understood very 00:31:02.598 --> 00:31:08.565 much so what he was referring to by Ring of Fire, um, and so much so that 00:31:08.598 --> 00:31:13.805 it still makes me shudder a little bit. Um, and then, then my sweet, sweet 00:31:13.838 --> 00:31:21.706 baby that we had waited so long to meet and worked so hard. To get out Had 00:31:21.739 --> 00:31:24.206 meconium 00:31:24.239 --> 00:31:30.347 So I look over, I look to the right of me in this big giant room, right, 00:31:30.380 --> 00:31:35.946 with my OB and my husband and my nurse and my student or new grad nurse, 00:31:35.979 --> 00:31:38.976 and I look over. 00:31:39.009 --> 00:31:42.996 And there is a team of probably 10 people standing there waiting to take 00:31:43.029 --> 00:31:47.276 my baby away because she had Mac. And I'm like, fuck this. This is what I 00:31:47.309 --> 00:31:51.357 worked for and I'm having a natural birth and they are gonna put that baby 00:31:51.390 --> 00:31:59.166 on my chest. And so I delivered her head. And my amazing doctor sectioned 00:31:59.199 --> 00:32:04.127 her while she was still inside of me, and she got to come up. She was a 00:32:04.160 --> 00:32:10.867 girl. It was awesome. And they put her on me and I couldn't really see her 00:32:10.900 --> 00:32:14.035 face, but the first time I saw her face, I said, but she looks exactly 00:32:14.068 --> 00:32:21.847 like my brother. Are you sure it's a girl? And she um She cried and she 00:32:21.880 --> 00:32:24.726 wouldn't nurse and. 00:32:24.759 --> 00:32:30.285 She was perfect and amazing. And she's still A very independent young 00:32:30.318 --> 00:32:34.006 woman. There's a lot to be said for a name, I think, and uh I didn't know 00:32:34.039 --> 00:32:37.926 that then. I just thought Scarlett was a really cool girl's name. And I 00:32:37.959 --> 00:32:45.706 love the name still, but she is a fiery, independent, amazing vessel. 00:32:45.739 --> 00:32:50.815 And then, oh, and then came the placenta. 00:32:50.848 --> 00:32:55.746 And another thing nobody told me. Was that redheads bleed a lot, and I 00:32:55.779 --> 00:33:01.897 didn't know that. And so, um. They couldn't get my pressure up and they 00:33:01.930 --> 00:33:06.256 couldn't get me to stop bleeding, and that was a little bit of a mess 00:33:06.289 --> 00:33:09.416 because then I was trying to be present for this new person that I was 00:33:09.449 --> 00:33:16.226 celebrating and Uh, trying to celebrate with my husband, and they had to 00:33:16.259 --> 00:33:22.256 um keep me a little bit longer than. The average 00:33:22.289 --> 00:33:28.305 brunette 00:33:28.338 --> 00:33:34.026 OK, so how was the, uh, how was the breastfeeding? How did that work out? 00:33:34.059 --> 00:33:39.877 My gosh, I had these giant boobs, right? 00:33:39.910 --> 00:33:45.387 And like their purpose for existing is to feed your baby, right? And I was 00:33:45.420 --> 00:33:49.397 so excited about this and I have, I'm fortunate enough to have two 00:33:49.430 --> 00:33:55.065 mothers-in-law, mother-in-laws, mothers-in-law. One of which um would 00:33:55.098 --> 00:34:00.196 never think of breastfeeding, and the other one is basically a low HA 00:34:00.229 --> 00:34:07.357 league um captain person. And so I, and I didn't, I didn't know what 00:34:07.390 --> 00:34:09.816 questions I would have. I mean, I just figured the baby would come out and 00:34:09.849 --> 00:34:12.385 that's what they do, right? That's what they said in the Bradley method 00:34:12.418 --> 00:34:16.095 classes. The baby comes out, will actually migrate up your stomach and 00:34:16.128 --> 00:34:23.256 attach to your breast and it's magic and it's easy, and nobody told me and 00:34:23.289 --> 00:34:29.256 I didn't know what questions to ask. So I had this little furry beast whom 00:34:29.289 --> 00:34:32.896 I was totally madly in love with and I had these great big boobs to feed 00:34:32.929 --> 00:34:38.854 her. And for some reason, the relationship wasn't working out. So, uh, the 00:34:38.887 --> 00:34:43.796 lactation consultant specialist lady who's really wonderful and patient, 00:34:43.829 --> 00:34:47.555 um, came to chat with me to see if I had any questions. And now at this 00:34:47.588 --> 00:34:54.075 point, mind you, I had taken an Ambien. I had labored all night. I had 00:34:54.108 --> 00:34:59.765 delivered. I had bled significantly, and so I really wasn't ready to 00:34:59.798 --> 00:35:05.206 receive information, um. And I just figured the baby will get it 00:35:05.239 --> 00:35:07.885 eventually, right? And I remember thinking, don't you want this? Like I'm 00:35:07.918 --> 00:35:11.247 supposed to do like this. And she, the lactation consultant, helped me 00:35:11.280 --> 00:35:16.405 with positioning the baby tummy to tummy and um I was really, excuse me, I 00:35:16.438 --> 00:35:23.166 was really taken aback by how I I perceived her as being forceful with my 00:35:23.199 --> 00:35:28.195 new baby, and really that took away from my, my being able to receive 00:35:28.228 --> 00:35:33.686 information from her because she took my nipple and then she took my 00:35:33.719 --> 00:35:37.166 beautiful brand new baby's head and like jammed it on there. Like it 00:35:37.199 --> 00:35:44.646 wasn't a passive beautiful. Kissing situation, it was like a. Car wreck. I 00:35:44.679 --> 00:35:48.566 mean, I just, I couldn't believe that she would handle my baby like that, 00:35:48.599 --> 00:35:54.756 um. He And Scarlett didn't want to have anything to do with it. So I had 00:35:54.789 --> 00:36:01.517 blisters and cracking and the pain that was associated with the 00:36:01.550 --> 00:36:08.247 breastfeeding and my uterine cramping was also something nobody told me 00:36:08.280 --> 00:36:13.876 about. I didn't know. And so I would get very discouraged and frustrated 00:36:13.909 --> 00:36:18.405 because my vagina was so swollen, first of all that I needed a wheelbarrow 00:36:18.438 --> 00:36:26.438 to get around and I. I was amazed by that. So I had this gigantic. 00:36:27.280 --> 00:36:31.916 Situation between my legs that really was sore. I had this horrible 00:36:31.949 --> 00:36:39.256 cramping in my belly and I had these giant sore rocks and Bleeding, 00:36:39.289 --> 00:36:42.615 cracked, oozing nipples, and then this screaming beast because she was 00:36:42.648 --> 00:36:45.936 trying to tell me she was hungry but didn't know how to make the situation 00:36:45.969 --> 00:36:50.727 work. So, breastfeeding in the beginning was a real challenge. It was 00:36:50.760 --> 00:36:56.557 really hard. And I'm really happy that I stuck with it. And uh my 00:36:56.590 --> 00:37:00.396 beautiful daughter is 7 1/2 now, and I firmly believe she would still be 00:37:00.429 --> 00:37:05.997 breastfeeding if I let her. She was a champion. Um, she got, and I loved 00:37:06.030 --> 00:37:10.756 breastfeeding. It wasn't, it was never a, a modesty issue for me. Um, and 00:37:10.789 --> 00:37:14.506 in fact, maybe another time I'll tell you funny stories about me not even 00:37:14.539 --> 00:37:19.227 realizing that I was exposed and being in restaurants and such. And the 00:37:19.260 --> 00:37:23.977 poor waiter just not knowing how to deal with me. Um. 00:37:24.010 --> 00:37:28.865 I loved breastfeeding. I loved it, and my second daughter kicked me off. 00:37:28.898 --> 00:37:33.026 She was done because she wanted and she was 8 months old. It was August 00:37:33.059 --> 00:37:37.467 22nd was her last time that she latched on and she wouldn't do it anymore. 00:37:37.500 --> 00:37:40.865 And it got to the point where I felt like I was trying to help her aim 00:37:40.898 --> 00:37:47.747 and and get there and making her sort of do it and. It was over. Not many 00:37:47.780 --> 00:37:52.026 women talk about the vagina transformation, but it's like shocking it is 00:37:52.059 --> 00:37:58.057 truly shocking. I had no idea and 00:37:58.090 --> 00:38:03.017 Well, I mean, I pushed for 4 frigging hours, man. So when I stood up and I 00:38:03.050 --> 00:38:06.977 looked in the mirror for the first time, my face was swollen. All my blood 00:38:07.010 --> 00:38:10.095 vessels in my eyes where I was beet red. I mean, I looked like I had 00:38:10.128 --> 00:38:14.615 really been through it and I had, but there was a sort of sense of like I 00:38:14.648 --> 00:38:18.776 knew I could do it without drugs. I, I knew it and I did it. And I was 00:38:18.809 --> 00:38:23.256 doing it. I guess I wanted to prove something to myself. I didn't get a 00:38:23.289 --> 00:38:28.885 badge. I didn't get. Anything but a really freaking swollen vagina and 00:38:28.918 --> 00:38:35.095 like bloodshot eyes. Um, with my second child, I wouldn't progress past 4 00:38:35.128 --> 00:38:38.445 centimeters and I think it's because I was so freaking petrified of that 00:38:38.478 --> 00:38:45.327 damn ring of fire. I was petrified of doing that again. So I, I sort of 00:38:45.360 --> 00:38:49.327 asked permission from my husband and, and I did it in the sense that I 00:38:49.360 --> 00:38:51.686 looked over and I said, babe, what do you, what do you think? Cause the 00:38:51.719 --> 00:38:54.925 nurse said, what do you think about an epidural? And I was like, I didn't 00:38:54.958 --> 00:38:58.126 have to do that the first time. And then I said, what, what do you think, 00:38:58.159 --> 00:39:03.186 honey? And my nurse, in an effort to sort of support me and empower me, 00:39:03.219 --> 00:39:07.095 she said, this is your body and you make the decisions here. And I thought 00:39:07.128 --> 00:39:12.577 , thank you so much, but we are sincerely a team and I, I, it matters to 00:39:12.610 --> 00:39:19.037 me. What his opinion is. Um, and my husband, of course, didn't, he 00:39:19.070 --> 00:39:23.717 wouldn't care. So I got the epidural and I'll be damned that kid came out 00:39:23.750 --> 00:39:28.956 like I didn't even have to sneeze. I went from 4 centimeters to 10 00:39:28.989 --> 00:39:34.787 centimeters. They said, don't push, don't, don't move. And I thought, OK, 00:39:34.820 --> 00:39:40.606 no big deal at all. Told me to push once. I pushed twice. This Beautiful 00:39:40.639 --> 00:39:45.247 little fuzzy thing came right up, migrated up my damn stomach, latched 00:39:45.280 --> 00:39:50.606 onto my boob. There was no issues. I was not overly swollen. I was not 00:39:50.639 --> 00:39:53.945 overly exhausted. 00:39:53.978 --> 00:39:59.267 I mean, That that was it. It was a much, it was a much different picture. 00:39:59.300 --> 00:40:04.747 It was a much different process, and I actually felt really resentful that 00:40:04.780 --> 00:40:09.845 they let me go through that the first time. And and to my, you know, to my 00:40:09.878 --> 00:40:14.856 own chagrin, I did it to myself, but nobody freaking told me. Nobody told 00:40:14.889 --> 00:40:19.316 me I had no idea. And I sort of, I remember when I was, I was pushing with 00:40:19.349 --> 00:40:25.606 Scarlett, um, and I remember being all sweaty and gross and naked and. Ozy 00:40:25.639 --> 00:40:30.695 and I remember taking a breather between contractions and I heard another 00:40:30.728 --> 00:40:36.256 woman down the hall screaming and I, I felt so empowered by that. I felt 00:40:36.289 --> 00:40:40.066 that was so awesome and I remember thinking, right on, sister, you can do 00:40:40.099 --> 00:40:42.836 it. You can do it too. We're we're going to do this because obviously she 00:40:42.869 --> 00:40:48.307 was having a natural birth too, um, and. I remember, I remember that 00:40:48.340 --> 00:40:52.986 snippet very vividly, that her voice was coming from down the hall on the 00:40:53.019 --> 00:40:59.236 right side. Um, and sort of chuckling like, yeah, we could do this. When 00:40:59.269 --> 00:41:04.916 you reflect on the experience, um, is there any way that you could, uh, 00:41:04.949 --> 00:41:08.706 come up with like a word or a phrasing of words that kind of summarizes it 00:41:08.739 --> 00:41:12.836 for you or kind of something that comes to mind because we are, you know, 00:41:12.869 --> 00:41:16.115 we're separating them into themes and themes are always emerging and so 00:41:16.148 --> 00:41:21.756 it's interesting to see what, um, you know what, I don't know. I want to 00:41:21.789 --> 00:41:28.986 say kind of lessons like it was a one giant. Continuum of lessons about um 00:41:29.019 --> 00:41:37.019 humility and love and patience and perseverance and um 00:41:38.110 --> 00:41:42.316 No, I can't come up with just one word or a set of words. I mean, this was 00:41:42.349 --> 00:41:45.436 probably the most monumental 00:41:45.469 --> 00:41:52.037 experience of my entire life and will be until who knows what, um, but 00:41:52.070 --> 00:41:58.635 this changed everything about me, um, whether it be during the period of 00:41:58.668 --> 00:42:02.896 my pregnancy where even my hair was different and my skin was glowing and 00:42:02.929 --> 00:42:08.646 um. To afterwards where I was really just part of a system now, you know, 00:42:08.679 --> 00:42:13.396 and it was me and her and we did everything together. We slept together, 00:42:13.429 --> 00:42:19.227 we ate together. She ate from me and um She, she could smell me from 00:42:19.260 --> 00:42:25.936 across the room and I couldn't stand to not smell her, uh, so. 00:42:25.969 --> 00:42:30.896 I don't know. I don't think I could pinpoint one word or one color or one 00:42:30.929 --> 00:42:34.467 emotion. The, the thing that's popping up in my head is a rainbow for some 00:42:34.500 --> 00:42:39.945 odd reason because um it was a continuum. It is a continuum and it's 00:42:39.978 --> 00:42:45.146 growing and who knows where it's gonna end and um. There were so many 00:42:45.179 --> 00:42:49.706 different colors associated with all the emotions that I felt, I mean from 00:42:49.739 --> 00:42:56.816 like the black sorrow of failing at being a pregnant person, um, and then 00:42:56.849 --> 00:43:01.626 the defeat of her saying you have Mac and looking over and seeing all 00:43:01.659 --> 00:43:06.175 those people that were just waiting there to take my baby away. Uh, to 00:43:06.208 --> 00:43:11.776 save her, to work on her. I mean, I just, I remember thinking like. Um, to 00:43:11.809 --> 00:43:16.175 the pain, I mean, it was a really painful process, man. They talked about 00:43:16.208 --> 00:43:21.695 contractions feeling like rolling hills and just rolling, and I did not 00:43:21.728 --> 00:43:28.695 feel as though it was a passive, pretty process that damn right hurt. You 00:43:28.728 --> 00:43:32.365 mean you didn't orgasm when you had a contraction? I didn't, and I 00:43:32.398 --> 00:43:35.655 remember thinking like that is a possibility too because my Bradley method 00:43:35.688 --> 00:43:39.615 instructor talked about like The greatest orgasm she had ever had was 00:43:39.648 --> 00:43:42.956 giving birth to her son, and it was totally amazing. And I don't know how 00:43:42.989 --> 00:43:49.717 the hell she pulled that off. Because again, I couldn't, they, they put 00:43:49.750 --> 00:43:53.287 diapers on me that were filled with ice, packed with ice to get the 00:43:53.320 --> 00:43:57.816 swelling down. And I remember thinking that was like sheer, that was a 00:43:57.849 --> 00:44:02.816 prize. That was my prize. I pushed for 4 hours. I have bleeding, oozing 00:44:02.849 --> 00:44:08.706 nipples. I have, I have this bloody vagina that is so huge. I mean, it's 00:44:08.739 --> 00:44:12.666 like nothing you've ever seen before. I didn't know I could do that. And I 00:44:12.699 --> 00:44:16.146 got an ice pack and it was enough. Did you at least get a hemorrhoid 00:44:16.179 --> 00:44:21.586 though too, because that's I feel oddly enough, my husband's dear friend 00:44:21.619 --> 00:44:27.586 is a mountaineer man, and he climbs mountains that I like Everest and 00:44:27.619 --> 00:44:31.956 stuff. Why you would do that, I don't know. Whatever. And he talks, he 00:44:31.989 --> 00:44:35.717 came to visit the baby when she was brand new, and somehow he was talking 00:44:35.750 --> 00:44:39.997 about how uncomfortable he was being up on the mountain pushing and I just 00:44:40.030 --> 00:44:44.767 said to him, you know, funny Greg, I just pushed this out of my body for 4 00:44:44.800 --> 00:44:51.717 hours, so just get yourself some preparation and move on. 00:44:51.750 --> 00:44:59.750 OK. Is there anything else that um you think you'd like to add? 00:45:04.119 --> 00:45:12.119 No, it was cold cause it was New Year's Eve, um. And they were very, very 00:45:13.889 --> 00:45:18.896 kind to us and brought us little bottles of martinelli's to celebrate and 00:45:18.929 --> 00:45:25.385 um It was I mean, overall, I look back and I have overwhelming feelings of 00:45:25.418 --> 00:45:33.115 bliss and accomplishment and um even though it was that insane and Fiery 00:45:33.148 --> 00:45:41.148 and Hard, I would totally do it again. It's perfect, perfect ending. OK, 00:45:41.159 --> 00:45:43.918 all right, I turn them off.