WEBVTT

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 You know, you grow up as a little girl thinking I'm going to get married

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and I'm gonna have the baby and you
know I'm going to be a little

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housewife and do the child rearing and
my life did not turn out that way

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at all. Neither did my pregnancy.
Nothing about my pregnancy was normal.

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Everything was heightened and
Traumatic, like it was an out of body

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experience. I was with my high school
sweetheart, and we were not exactly

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living a desirable life. I was a
methamphetamine addict, the father of my

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child and I, we didn't like each other
too much. There was a lot of

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violence and arguments, and as I look
back, I know the day that I

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conceived my daughter. I did not,
however, know that I was pregnant until

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I was 4 months pregnant. I did have
the morning sickness. I did have the

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cravings. I had the exhaustion.

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My drug use actually cut down because
I didn't feel good and I was

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sleeping a lot and 4 months later, I
felt a little flutter. In my in my

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tummy. And I thought Either my kidneys
are falling out or I am pregnant.

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So I did a pregnancy test and I was
pregnant. My boyfriend, he abandoned

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me. He just never came home. So my
parents came and got me from my

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apartment. I did not want to leave my
apartment because I knew it was

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gonna be painful. I knew I was gonna
be by myself. I mean, I was there, I

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had people around me, but I was very
much alone. I remember sitting

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outside. I remember smoking
cigarettes. Um, I had gotten sober at that

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point. It was sad. It was a very sad
time in my life. It was a very

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Disappointing time in my life because
I had disappointed my parents. I was

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an unwed mother. I was getting sober
and I was scared. My baby's father

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left, so I was very alone. It was one
of the most um alone times of my

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life. And I think that was the most
alone time in my life ever. I was in

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my own little cocoon, my own little
world. It's like the whole world was

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spinning, kept rotating, and mine
didn't, mine was stopped. It wasn't a

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great thing like Oterra sober, it was
um. It was one of those things where

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everyone pretended like didn't never
happened. And the feeling was

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terrifying that I was actually going
to be a mother. None of my friends

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had ever had a baby, so I was like the
first one. This was like uncharted

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territory for me. I had no idea how
involved that was or that meant where

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it was going to be. I wanted to find
out the sex of the baby so that I

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could start preparing a little bit for
her, but still the reality that I

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was really pregnant wasn't real. It
still wasn't real. I was buying pink

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clothes and little things here and
there, but it was not real to me that I

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was actually going to be a mother, and
I wasn't showing, so it really

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wasn't real to me. I would just feel a
flutter here and there and that was

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it, just a little flutter and I, I, I
would feel her go back and forth a

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little bit. I probably gained. About
1720 pounds, but you could not tell I

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was pregnant at all. I was so used to
being in this really tiny thin

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emaciated body that I was afraid to be
heavy, and I actually wanted her

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out of me as soon as possible because
the whole time I was pregnant, I had

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this fear of being huge.

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That was more real to me than
anything. And I did not go to full term

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pregnancy. I had my daughter 2.5
months after I found out I was pregnant.

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When I realized I was having, having
the baby, I didn't know I was having

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the baby. I woke up at 1:30 in the
morning because I felt like I had, um,

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wet the bed. And I turned on the light
and there was blood everywhere. So

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I had what they call an abruption.
It's where the um placenta tears away

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from the in the uterus. So I actually
very quietly, my parents were in the

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bedroom across the hall. I said, Mom,
get up, there's something wrong. And

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I said it very quietly, and she was
very everyone was very hypersensitive

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to me. And so she actually woke up and
bolted across the hallway. I can't

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even believe she heard me. And the
medics, the paramedics were in my room

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and they were, they were trying to get
the gurney down the hallway and

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medics said, we don't have time for
this. So he just wrapped a blanket

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around me, picked me up. All of a
sudden there's a helicopter landing in

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the middle of our street because they
had to air vacuum me from Mesa to

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Phoenix. So they put me in the
helicopter and we started taking off. You

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know, they had me, the heart monitors
and stuff and everything on me, and

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her heart rate was perfect the entire
time. I, however, was hemorrhaging

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pretty much to death. So and it never
really registered with me, but I

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knew down deep in my heart that I was
not going to die that day. I knew

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that I was going to be OK. And that
was probably the most OK I felt

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through the entire pregnancy. We
landed and they rushed me into a room.

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They had elevated my feet, so I
remember watching the Flintstones on TV

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through my toes. My mother was very
emotional, very upset. She's like, she

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thought I was going to die, and I
looked at her and I said, I'm not going

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to die. The other part of me thought,
this is going to be the hardest

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thing that you've ever done in your
entire life. The doctor, they called

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in a specialist and he said, we are
going to um have a baby. He said,

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because there is a 7 minute time
period where you can go from alive to

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dead, where I cannot bring you back.
So I was numb from my waist down and

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there was a mirror on the ceiling, and
they told me that I would feel some

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pressure. And then all of a sudden I
saw this purple, they were holding

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this purple object and I said, What is
that? And I said, that is your

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uterus.

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That was when real reality really
started setting in. I was like, wow,

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that is my body part. And then they
slice that open and they started

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pulling out a baby. Here comes some
little feet, here's some little legs,

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here comes a little bottom, cutest
little bottom I've ever seen in my life

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, really. And they were twisting her
around like she was stuck in there

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and I'm like, I actually at one point
said, I'm afraid you're gonna pop

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her little head off. And the doctor
said something to the effect of, we're

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just hoping she has lungs.

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And at that point, I, I didn't even
think about my body because all I knew

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it was purged. I wasn't going to be
heavy. And I that was a relief to me.

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I wasn't gonna get fat. Out of
everything that had happened, I wasn't

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gonna get fat.

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Ironic. She came out, they pulled her
out and she was screaming and crying.

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Everyone was so excited. She had
lungs, she had a full head of hair. She

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was absolutely perfectly pink,
beautiful, healthy 3 pound baby. As soon as

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I could feel my, my legs after the
saddle block wore off, I was up in the

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um ICU looking at her where the
preemie babies were. I was just Stunned I

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thought she's the cutest thing I've
ever seen in my life, but I was

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terrified of her, absolutely
terrified.

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They were sending me home after 3 days
and she would have to stay there.

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So I had to travel from Mesa to
Phoenix to visit her and At first, I

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visited her, and then after a while, I
stopped. I couldn't, I couldn't

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handle it. I was scared of her. I
didn't know what to do. She was a very

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Complicated baby. She had to eat every
2 hours because she was a preemie.

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Um, my mother would actually go visit
her more than I did. So therefore,

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my mother bonded with my daughter and
I did not. I had all the emotions

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other than pure joy and bliss and what
uh what you're supposed to, you

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know, what they say that you're
supposed to feel, oh motherhood is so

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beautiful and so, you know, such a
content feeling and so they felt

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complete and you know, some women say
that and I'm like. I did not feel

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that. I made a decision when my
daughter was 8 months old to give her up

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for adoption.

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My parents are actually the ones that
adopted her. It was, it was a very

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strained relationship because I didn't
want to give her up because I felt

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like I like I was failing again. This
was the biggest fail. This is, this

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was the biggest failure in my life.
Um, to this day, I still feel like I

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failed my daughter. Um, I failed her
and, but I did. I did the right thing

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for her, but it took me 8 long months
to. To finally make the decision and

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say out loud, I can't do this, and I
don't want to do this. I don't have

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that motherly instinct, I guess. We
went through the whole court thing.

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And that was the hardest thing I've
ever had to say out loud in my entire

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life. I don't, I, I can't do this. I
don't, I don't, I don't want to do

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this. Take her.

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So, and then, um, from 8 months old
till she was 2, I did not see her. And

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it probably was better that I wasn't
around because I was using drugs

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again. And I eventually got sober when
she was 2 years old. But no one

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ever told her. She knew though she
knew and she told my mom when she was 6

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, she said, I know Tara was my mama,
but she knew, and I remember she

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would look at me when they would drive
away. She would, they would come

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visit me. She would, I remember her
little eyes would be peeking up over

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the passenger seat. She'd be in the
back seat in her little car seat, and

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her little eyes would be looking at me
and she would look at me and and I

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knew, I knew she knew something. The
way she looked at me, she would just

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look at me different. And today we
have a wonderful relationship. However

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, the bond that my mother and my
daughter have is much stronger than mine

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and my daughter's. I love her more
than anything in this world, but I'm

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more maternal with my my cats than I
was with my daughter. So something.

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Happened or something didn't happen when I was pregnant. Something that

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happens to other women or doesn't
happen to other women. I don't know. And

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I believe me, I've thought about it
for years and years and years, you

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know, here and there. What element is
it that I don't have? And what

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element is it that some women do have?

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But no one knows.

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There are a lot of of women that have
children that should not have

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children. I mean, you can see when
parents shouldn't be parents, you know.

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But I can see it in women, and it's, I
can see how hard it is to say out

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loud. I know how hard it is to say out
loud. I can't do this. I can't find

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it in me to want to do this. I can't,
and I struggled with that for eight

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months. I mean, I literally sat up
night after night after night.

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Trying to find it in me somewhere to
raise this beautiful little baby girl

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, and I couldn't, I couldn't find it.
I couldn't find the will to do it.

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And I felt so guilty and I felt so
bad. But at the same time, it's the

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best thing that I could ever do for
her. I still go through. All these

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maternal feelings.

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And but but I don't, but I don't. So
it was success and failure at the

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same time, because the world, everyone
thinks that it's like women have to

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become mothers. Some of us just aren't
meant to be mothers, and I did not

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want to ruin her. That's the beginning
and the end of it all. I did not

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want to ruin her, and I knew if I kept
her I was going to resent her. I

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was going to damage her. I could just
see it and I did not want to have

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that for her. I want her to have a
beautiful life and she did. She has a

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very beautiful life.

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I, I still almost can't make sense of
it in a way.