With my first pregnancy, um, it was with my son Miles, and it was my
first child and my husband Jesse's, or sorry, 3rd, but it was our first
boy. So we're very excited about it and we had only been married, I think
a few months at the time when I found out that I was pregnant. It was
around Christmas, so to announce the pregnancy to my husband, I gave him
his goodie bag and one of the items was a fortune cookie, and when he
opened it up, it had the date of his like when he was supposed to be born.
He was really excited. I was so excited. Everything is kind of a blur
with the first one after having 3. But it was unexpected. I remember
crying a lot when I found out that I was pregnant just because we had, we
weren't ready for it financially, emotionally, or any part of our lives
was ready for a child, but After calming down, I started to slowly come
around and get more and more excited. Once I found out that we were having
a boy was when I was really, really excited and looking forward to it. The
other kink in the story came when my husband had been arrested for DUI
about a year ago and his court date had been postponed. So I was about 4
months pregnant when he went to go serve a 4 month term. Yeah. So, and it
was in the middle of summer. It was really hot. Uh, we were in our first
house at the time, which was a two-story house. So if you can imagine a 4
month pregnant woman, 4 from 4 to 8 months pregnant, I was home alone, um
, with my cat. It was my roommate at the time. I would just hang out with
him, watch TV. I became extremely unhealthy. No one was there helping me
or monitoring what I ate, and plus I had been on a diet for 20 years of my
life. And so I just went crazy, like 4 Hot Pockets in a sitting watching
Marathon Law and Order SVU. It was, I went a little overboard. Um, and
then also, you know, going to work full time and then trying to visit
Jessie in prison.
It was somewhat embarrassing the first time I went there, I am obviously
pregnant, standing in line with all these people, visiting my husband in
prison and thinking, oh my gosh, my poor Korean mother. What is,
what is going on in my life? But Jessie, so by the time I had been able to
get approved to see Jessie in prison. I was probably about 6 or 7 months
pregnant, so he saw me at 4 months and then jumped to 6 or 7 months later
was the next time he saw me and he was just like blown away at how big I
had gotten, and we weren't allowed to touch each other either. So his
natural inclination is to, you know, touch my belly, try to feel the baby
, but he couldn't. We just sat across the table from each other, talking
for an hour. I'd go home and I would just try to like Make time just pass
by until he was released. And then my mom was also very encouraging
because she said, you know, you're gonna be strong through your pregnancy
, you're gonna have a very strong son, you know, you have to make sure
that you're not letting the stress get to you because that's gonna affect
your baby and his temperament. So just stay positive and be happy and And
uh hopeful and so that's what I did throughout the whole pregnancy and
then when Jessie was released, it was only a few weeks until I was due.
During that time, I tried everything possible to go into labor, but
nothing worked, you know, we walked around the mall. I think I might have
taken some castor oil. I did everything that they told you to do. And then
finally I was like, all right, we're just gonna have sex, just get it done.
Let's just do it. And like, no, it's like the most unromantic sex ever.
I'm just huge and uncomfortable and he's like behind me like all like
mortified himself. And then I went into my doctor's office and she
stripped my membranes. It's a medical thing. They strip your membranes,
Google it. She checked my cervix. I wasn't dilating properly and so she, I
was 2 weeks overdue when she finally scheduled to go in to the hospital
and force my contractions to start. I received a Pitocin drip, which would
get my contractions going as they waited for me to dilate. They broke my
water because I was going into labor during that time, so the contractions
were starting. It was really uncomfortable situation. I've always been a
very private person, but I guess shyness kind of like goes out the door
when you have doctors coming in and out checking your vagina, teams of
people you've never met before, 12 year old med students coming in looking
at you. I'm, I have, um, I'm a pretty open person physically at this point
in my life because of all these experiences, but I didn't go into labor,
so the C-section was scheduled. I was really disappointed about it just
because I, I was. I wasn't really comfortable or happy with it, but
because my water was broke and the baby was already in the birth canal, I
had to just go through with it. So I felt like I had, it was the best
option at that time. I was really scared. First of all, the hospital is
really Even though it's a place where people are supposed to heal and get
better, it's a really cold and sterile environment. So what you're seeing
visually is counterintuitive to what you're supposed to be receiving
physically and on the inside. So it's kind of hard to process visually
like that. I am receiving healing when you feel like you're basically in a
cell, you know, and without any like natural light or Any like color and
then also people are so used to this process who are working with you.
They're the nurses and doctors are specifically assigned to the maternity
ward. So you kind of feel like just a number that's going through the
system as opposed to a person that they're taking care of and they don't
really explain things that well, especially for a first time mom. Um, I
would appreciate it a little bit better bedside manner, you know, as
opposed to people just coming in, you know, like, oh, we're gonna do your
drip. Here's your IV, you're gonna put in your catheter, you know, a
little bit more of a conversational or personal level of care would have
been better. Um, so I was already nervous from that. By the time I had was
time for my C-section, I was stress level 10 with everything that had been
going on. But the doctor came and from The point that my C-section was
scheduled, everything just flowed so quickly and everything just happened
and I think it was about 45 minutes tops from the time that they had
scheduled my C-section to the time the baby was due. My doctor came in and
what she had me do was hold her. And lean on her and the um
anesthesiologist went into my lower back. They um cleaned the area and
then they put in the drip somewhere near my spinal cord. It was a spinal
tap I think was what they called it. And then so as I lost feeling in my
body, I could just rest on my doctor and then she laid me down. And this
table was like, what I imagine the crucifix look like because that's all
that they offer you, that's all the space that they provide is a long beam
down the center with two beams going down the side that your arms are
supposed to be laid out on. So then when they laid me down, they put a
sheet between me and the doctor team so that I couldn't see. But my doctor
did note that there was a mirror behind me in case I wanted to watch. I
open my stomach, pull out my guts, and then also rip out the baby. No,
thank you. I remember I started getting a little bit loopy because I think
they also provided me with a bit of a morphine cause I was kind of anxious
and stressed out at the time. The room is freezing cold. There's nothing
in it except for all of the machines, the equipment. You can hear the beep
, the music playing, the anesthesiologist behind me. Jesse has now entered
the room. He's sitting next to me to my left, holding my hand, but he has
a clear line of sight to the operation that's about to happen and everyone
tells me. That we're ready to go. I'm kind of delayed because of all the
drugs that I'm on at this point. And so I, I, I, I speak up. I'm like, oh
wait, Jessie, has it started? Have they started yet? And he's like, oh
yeah, it started. Apparently they're already like 5 cuts in at that point
, but I couldn't feel anything. And then I was so anxious just knowing
what was going on and it just smelled like Medicine in the whole room and
it was freezing the whole entire time, and which I could just feel kind of
on my face but not the rest of my body obviously. And then they're cutting
, Jessie's looking, he's squeezing my hand every once in a while. I think
as stuff happens, but I'm not really processing it to the level that I
should. And then all of a sudden, I, I, I hear Jessie go, oh my gosh, I
see him, I see him. And then I hear this like little like cry and and and
it and it's smiles and he's and they've pulled him out and they like I can.
I look over to the left of me quickly as I, as they're taking him over to
get cleaned off and there's a lot going on. The doctor's telling me that
the baby's healthy and that everything is fine and there's a lot of
scuffle going on in the room. As they're like, I think putting me back
together, making sure that the baby is OK. And so Jessie comes over and
shows me the baby really quickly before they leave and I spend the rest of
my time getting stitched up and then I go into kind of like this waiting
area. I think it's where all mothers receive their children and. I am. So
tired and the first thing that they get me to do is try to breastfeed, but
I'm falling asleep at this point. And so Jessie has the baby and the nurse
comes next to me and she asked me, Do you want to try to breastfeed? And
so I'm like, OK, because that's what I'm supposed to do. And so, um, I'm
barely able to move my arms and so Jessie kind of puts the baby in in my
arms. The nurse comes over and guides the baby to my breast and And I
don't at that point like really know what's going on, but I remember one
of the last things I said, Jessie was like, don't drop that baby. I'm like
, I'm not. And he's Jessie's like, do you want me to hold the baby? I'm
like, I think so. I'm like, you're so much better at this than I am. The
hardest part of the hospital stay for me was trying to breastfeed. And
there's so much pressure around breastfeeding and there's not a lot of
information or coaching from, I guess a patient perspective. It's just, oh
, you've got to do this and like let's just get it done and so your main
focus is just to make it work. But they didn't tell me that for the first
few days, I was only going to be producing. Colostrum, which is the clear
liquid and that it wasn't going to be the creamy white milk that you're
used to seeing. So I'm thinking that something's wrong, but my mom came
and she told me to go ahead and just feed the baby formula, but I told her
I'm like, I'm not supposed to. I have to breastfeed the baby and she's
like, we're arguing because she's like, he's so hungry in the hospital at
this time, none of the nurses. were encouraging me to give them any type
of formula or supplement at all until one night there was this Asian nurse
who came in. She was like, do you want a little bit of formula? And I was
like, yes. And she's like, it's OK. I supplemented with my children. And
so she brought me some. Leads into the other part about coming from a
different cultural background. Being an Asian-American, it's kind of half
and half. I take the doctor's orders when it comes to a lot of things. But
then there are just some things that I trust my mom with based upon her
experience raising children and what's worked for generations of women in
the past. So I kind of have a healthy balance of, you know, I think
parenting methods or styles based upon that perspective, but With Miles,
everything was so great and probably because the novelty of it being the
first time and having all these new experiences. It was just more exciting
than anything else. Uh with Davis, he was also unplanned. I also cried I,
coming home and recovering was hard because I had the baby blues at the
time and also the incision from the C-section didn't heal that well. I was
in pain. I was tired. I was Mildly depressed and I wasn't able to
breastfeed and also. I was living in Mesa, Arizona at the time. It was
January, so it was cold, um, and it was dark a lot, and I was cooped up in
this really small room, and this house was built in like the 1920s
something. It's a really old home and the rooms are all really small and
we have a California king size bed. So I'm sitting in this room where all
we can fit for furniture is our bed and our end tables with really closed
walls around us and everything is kind of old and I feel like maybe has
like a little bit of a smell to it inside the home. The sheets are all old
like older and stained from our first child. and like kind of like not
fitting that well from us putting it in the dryer too many times. And then
the blankets are hand me downs from his grandma, so they're a little bit
worn out. Everything is like a shade of blue and it's dark outside. The
walls are white, a little bit dingy from the yellow lighting, and I'm just
laying in bed with this child 24 hours a day. And just my focus is just
trying to get him to eat and be happy and so. I wasn't as successful
breastfeeding Davis. I finally broke down and told Jessie that I just
can't do it. I have to start supplementing because I started supplementing
my milk production went down and so I stopped feeding him sooner than I
would have liked to. And it also made me feel kind of guilty because I
wasn't breastfeeding him throughout his early development days. Oh, I
think Davis was like 4 to 6 months. I found out that I was pregnant with
Connor. And that was the biggest shock I had ever received. I had, I had
gotten on um some special birth control for mothers who are breastfeeding
, but it had made me nauseous. My system wasn't responding to it very well.
And so I stopped taking it, but then I, but I thought, surely I would not
get pregnant so quickly after I had a baby and certainly not a third time.
So we found out that I was pregnant with Connor because, you know,
biology does work and uh This time I had my tubes tied.
But I went to a different hospital this time and the experience was so
much better than with my first and certainly with my second child. The
staff was much more friendly. They took the time to explain everything
that was going to happen. Everyone was just polite and friendly at this
place, um, and. They did not give me morphine or anything this time when I
went in to have the C-section, which I think made a huge difference. I,
you know, there's a domino effect when it goes to the recovery from your
labor and delivery that it all starts with that first, you know, delivery
experience and everything just kind of adds to it. So because I wasn't on
morphine, I was I wasn't as tired and I was clearheaded when I first
received Connor. And so I was able to bond with him more quickly. I didn't
follow a slave and spend more time holding him and also right from the
start to try to start feeding him. The lactation consultant this time came
in and she explained, you know, first you're going to have the Colostrum,
that's OK, that should be enough. Just let them nurse as much as possible.
The room was much brighter wherever we were at. I think we're also on a
different side of the of this hospital where the sun came in through the
window. The room was a lot bigger. It was clean, but it didn't feel
extremely sterile, and plus the nurses coming in and out were just really
friendly and nice, and I think that just had a different energy and it
just made the whole experience better and I was seeing things from a
different perspective. Things at home are going much better, so everything
with Connor is going much better. And although he was a child that I was
probably the most, and I feel awful for the most sad about finding out
that I was pregnant with, he ended up being the best one. And although we
went back home to that home. In Mesa with the small room and the bed
that's too high for me to get on and like no furniture and it's like a
closed-in like cell because I just felt more at peace with the whole
situation. I wasn't as impacted by my Surroundings, my physical
surroundings, uh, my attitude had changed and so my whole like.
Perspective on the situation changed. It's just our whole family just
feels like this is who we are. This is where this is our family. This is
the starting point of the rest of our lives.