WEBVTT 00:00:00.400 --> 00:00:05.276 With my first pregnancy, um, it was with my son Miles, and it was my 00:00:05.309 --> 00:00:09.767 first child and my husband Jesse's, or sorry, 3rd, but it was our first 00:00:09.800 --> 00:00:13.646 boy. So we're very excited about it and we had only been married, I think 00:00:13.679 --> 00:00:17.646 a few months at the time when I found out that I was pregnant. It was 00:00:17.679 --> 00:00:21.486 around Christmas, so to announce the pregnancy to my husband, I gave him 00:00:21.519 --> 00:00:24.727 his goodie bag and one of the items was a fortune cookie, and when he 00:00:24.760 --> 00:00:29.366 opened it up, it had the date of his like when he was supposed to be born. 00:00:29.399 --> 00:00:33.406 He was really excited. I was so excited. Everything is kind of a blur 00:00:33.439 --> 00:00:39.926 with the first one after having 3. But it was unexpected. I remember 00:00:39.959 --> 00:00:43.606 crying a lot when I found out that I was pregnant just because we had, we 00:00:43.639 --> 00:00:48.807 weren't ready for it financially, emotionally, or any part of our lives 00:00:48.840 --> 00:00:56.796 was ready for a child, but After calming down, I started to slowly come 00:00:56.829 --> 00:01:00.786 around and get more and more excited. Once I found out that we were having 00:01:00.819 --> 00:01:06.036 a boy was when I was really, really excited and looking forward to it. The 00:01:06.069 --> 00:01:12.596 other kink in the story came when my husband had been arrested for DUI 00:01:12.629 --> 00:01:18.135 about a year ago and his court date had been postponed. So I was about 4 00:01:18.168 --> 00:01:24.576 months pregnant when he went to go serve a 4 month term. Yeah. So, and it 00:01:24.609 --> 00:01:29.257 was in the middle of summer. It was really hot. Uh, we were in our first 00:01:29.290 --> 00:01:34.135 house at the time, which was a two-story house. So if you can imagine a 4 00:01:34.168 --> 00:01:40.525 month pregnant woman, 4 from 4 to 8 months pregnant, I was home alone, um 00:01:40.558 --> 00:01:46.007 , with my cat. It was my roommate at the time. I would just hang out with 00:01:46.040 --> 00:01:50.126 him, watch TV. I became extremely unhealthy. No one was there helping me 00:01:50.159 --> 00:01:53.566 or monitoring what I ate, and plus I had been on a diet for 20 years of my 00:01:53.599 --> 00:01:58.206 life. And so I just went crazy, like 4 Hot Pockets in a sitting watching 00:01:58.239 --> 00:02:05.406 Marathon Law and Order SVU. It was, I went a little overboard. Um, and 00:02:05.439 --> 00:02:10.166 then also, you know, going to work full time and then trying to visit 00:02:10.199 --> 00:02:13.707 Jessie in prison. 00:02:13.740 --> 00:02:18.946 It was somewhat embarrassing the first time I went there, I am obviously 00:02:18.979 --> 00:02:23.555 pregnant, standing in line with all these people, visiting my husband in 00:02:23.588 --> 00:02:29.957 prison and thinking, oh my gosh, my poor Korean mother. What is, 00:02:29.990 --> 00:02:37.717 what is going on in my life? But Jessie, so by the time I had been able to 00:02:37.750 --> 00:02:43.386 get approved to see Jessie in prison. I was probably about 6 or 7 months 00:02:43.419 --> 00:02:47.225 pregnant, so he saw me at 4 months and then jumped to 6 or 7 months later 00:02:47.258 --> 00:02:51.346 was the next time he saw me and he was just like blown away at how big I 00:02:51.379 --> 00:02:54.386 had gotten, and we weren't allowed to touch each other either. So his 00:02:54.419 --> 00:02:58.077 natural inclination is to, you know, touch my belly, try to feel the baby 00:02:58.110 --> 00:03:01.866 , but he couldn't. We just sat across the table from each other, talking 00:03:01.899 --> 00:03:06.186 for an hour. I'd go home and I would just try to like Make time just pass 00:03:06.219 --> 00:03:10.225 by until he was released. And then my mom was also very encouraging 00:03:10.258 --> 00:03:12.066 because she said, you know, you're gonna be strong through your pregnancy 00:03:12.099 --> 00:03:15.066 , you're gonna have a very strong son, you know, you have to make sure 00:03:15.099 --> 00:03:17.946 that you're not letting the stress get to you because that's gonna affect 00:03:17.979 --> 00:03:23.225 your baby and his temperament. So just stay positive and be happy and And 00:03:23.258 --> 00:03:26.906 uh hopeful and so that's what I did throughout the whole pregnancy and 00:03:26.939 --> 00:03:30.386 then when Jessie was released, it was only a few weeks until I was due. 00:03:30.419 --> 00:03:35.585 During that time, I tried everything possible to go into labor, but 00:03:35.618 --> 00:03:39.505 nothing worked, you know, we walked around the mall. I think I might have 00:03:39.538 --> 00:03:43.025 taken some castor oil. I did everything that they told you to do. And then 00:03:43.058 --> 00:03:46.186 finally I was like, all right, we're just gonna have sex, just get it done. 00:03:46.219 --> 00:03:52.166 Let's just do it. And like, no, it's like the most unromantic sex ever. 00:03:52.199 --> 00:03:55.886 I'm just huge and uncomfortable and he's like behind me like all like 00:03:55.919 --> 00:03:59.566 mortified himself. And then I went into my doctor's office and she 00:03:59.599 --> 00:04:03.047 stripped my membranes. It's a medical thing. They strip your membranes, 00:04:03.080 --> 00:04:09.245 Google it. She checked my cervix. I wasn't dilating properly and so she, I 00:04:09.278 --> 00:04:14.366 was 2 weeks overdue when she finally scheduled to go in to the hospital 00:04:14.399 --> 00:04:20.111 and force my contractions to start. I received a Pitocin drip, which would 00:04:20.144 --> 00:04:23.592 get my contractions going as they waited for me to dilate. They broke my 00:04:23.625 --> 00:04:27.671 water because I was going into labor during that time, so the contractions 00:04:27.704 --> 00:04:31.950 were starting. It was really uncomfortable situation. I've always been a 00:04:31.983 --> 00:04:37.101 very private person, but I guess shyness kind of like goes out the door 00:04:37.134 --> 00:04:41.031 when you have doctors coming in and out checking your vagina, teams of 00:04:41.064 --> 00:04:45.950 people you've never met before, 12 year old med students coming in looking 00:04:45.983 --> 00:04:53.387 at you. I'm, I have, um, I'm a pretty open person physically at this point 00:04:53.420 --> 00:04:57.836 in my life because of all these experiences, but I didn't go into labor, 00:04:57.869 --> 00:05:01.757 so the C-section was scheduled. I was really disappointed about it just 00:05:01.790 --> 00:05:05.752 because I, I was. I wasn't really comfortable or happy with it, but 00:05:05.785 --> 00:05:09.752 because my water was broke and the baby was already in the birth canal, I 00:05:09.785 --> 00:05:13.512 had to just go through with it. So I felt like I had, it was the best 00:05:13.545 --> 00:05:18.671 option at that time. I was really scared. First of all, the hospital is 00:05:18.704 --> 00:05:22.616 really Even though it's a place where people are supposed to heal and get 00:05:22.649 --> 00:05:26.916 better, it's a really cold and sterile environment. So what you're seeing 00:05:26.949 --> 00:05:30.075 visually is counterintuitive to what you're supposed to be receiving 00:05:30.108 --> 00:05:33.757 physically and on the inside. So it's kind of hard to process visually 00:05:33.790 --> 00:05:37.325 like that. I am receiving healing when you feel like you're basically in a 00:05:37.358 --> 00:05:44.476 cell, you know, and without any like natural light or Any like color and 00:05:44.509 --> 00:05:49.116 then also people are so used to this process who are working with you. 00:05:49.149 --> 00:05:52.356 They're the nurses and doctors are specifically assigned to the maternity 00:05:52.389 --> 00:05:56.717 ward. So you kind of feel like just a number that's going through the 00:05:56.750 --> 00:06:00.895 system as opposed to a person that they're taking care of and they don't 00:06:00.928 --> 00:06:05.637 really explain things that well, especially for a first time mom. Um, I 00:06:05.670 --> 00:06:08.877 would appreciate it a little bit better bedside manner, you know, as 00:06:08.910 --> 00:06:11.637 opposed to people just coming in, you know, like, oh, we're gonna do your 00:06:11.670 --> 00:06:15.356 drip. Here's your IV, you're gonna put in your catheter, you know, a 00:06:15.389 --> 00:06:20.007 little bit more of a conversational or personal level of care would have 00:06:20.040 --> 00:06:24.437 been better. Um, so I was already nervous from that. By the time I had was 00:06:24.470 --> 00:06:29.995 time for my C-section, I was stress level 10 with everything that had been 00:06:30.028 --> 00:06:35.697 going on. But the doctor came and from The point that my C-section was 00:06:35.730 --> 00:06:39.825 scheduled, everything just flowed so quickly and everything just happened 00:06:39.858 --> 00:06:45.336 and I think it was about 45 minutes tops from the time that they had 00:06:45.369 --> 00:06:49.776 scheduled my C-section to the time the baby was due. My doctor came in and 00:06:49.809 --> 00:06:55.387 what she had me do was hold her. And lean on her and the um 00:06:55.420 --> 00:07:00.817 anesthesiologist went into my lower back. They um cleaned the area and 00:07:00.850 --> 00:07:05.805 then they put in the drip somewhere near my spinal cord. It was a spinal 00:07:05.838 --> 00:07:09.887 tap I think was what they called it. And then so as I lost feeling in my 00:07:09.920 --> 00:07:14.086 body, I could just rest on my doctor and then she laid me down. And this 00:07:14.119 --> 00:07:17.967 table was like, what I imagine the crucifix look like because that's all 00:07:18.000 --> 00:07:21.765 that they offer you, that's all the space that they provide is a long beam 00:07:21.798 --> 00:07:25.127 down the center with two beams going down the side that your arms are 00:07:25.160 --> 00:07:28.705 supposed to be laid out on. So then when they laid me down, they put a 00:07:28.738 --> 00:07:34.026 sheet between me and the doctor team so that I couldn't see. But my doctor 00:07:34.059 --> 00:07:38.265 did note that there was a mirror behind me in case I wanted to watch. I 00:07:38.298 --> 00:07:43.106 open my stomach, pull out my guts, and then also rip out the baby. No, 00:07:43.139 --> 00:07:46.705 thank you. I remember I started getting a little bit loopy because I think 00:07:46.738 --> 00:07:50.455 they also provided me with a bit of a morphine cause I was kind of anxious 00:07:50.488 --> 00:07:55.555 and stressed out at the time. The room is freezing cold. There's nothing 00:07:55.588 --> 00:07:58.276 in it except for all of the machines, the equipment. You can hear the beep 00:07:58.309 --> 00:08:02.796 , the music playing, the anesthesiologist behind me. Jesse has now entered 00:08:02.829 --> 00:08:06.116 the room. He's sitting next to me to my left, holding my hand, but he has 00:08:06.149 --> 00:08:10.717 a clear line of sight to the operation that's about to happen and everyone 00:08:10.750 --> 00:08:14.640 tells me. That we're ready to go. I'm kind of delayed because of all the 00:08:14.673 --> 00:08:18.361 drugs that I'm on at this point. And so I, I, I, I speak up. I'm like, oh 00:08:18.394 --> 00:08:21.481 wait, Jessie, has it started? Have they started yet? And he's like, oh 00:08:21.514 --> 00:08:25.401 yeah, it started. Apparently they're already like 5 cuts in at that point 00:08:25.434 --> 00:08:30.882 , but I couldn't feel anything. And then I was so anxious just knowing 00:08:30.915 --> 00:08:35.645 what was going on and it just smelled like Medicine in the whole room and 00:08:35.678 --> 00:08:39.566 it was freezing the whole entire time, and which I could just feel kind of 00:08:39.599 --> 00:08:43.566 on my face but not the rest of my body obviously. And then they're cutting 00:08:43.599 --> 00:08:47.167 , Jessie's looking, he's squeezing my hand every once in a while. I think 00:08:47.200 --> 00:08:51.206 as stuff happens, but I'm not really processing it to the level that I 00:08:51.239 --> 00:08:55.047 should. And then all of a sudden, I, I, I hear Jessie go, oh my gosh, I 00:08:55.080 --> 00:08:59.566 see him, I see him. And then I hear this like little like cry and and and 00:08:59.599 --> 00:09:03.667 it and it's smiles and he's and they've pulled him out and they like I can. 00:09:03.700 --> 00:09:07.746 I look over to the left of me quickly as I, as they're taking him over to 00:09:07.779 --> 00:09:11.667 get cleaned off and there's a lot going on. The doctor's telling me that 00:09:11.700 --> 00:09:14.427 the baby's healthy and that everything is fine and there's a lot of 00:09:14.460 --> 00:09:18.436 scuffle going on in the room. As they're like, I think putting me back 00:09:18.469 --> 00:09:22.625 together, making sure that the baby is OK. And so Jessie comes over and 00:09:22.658 --> 00:09:26.025 shows me the baby really quickly before they leave and I spend the rest of 00:09:26.058 --> 00:09:30.226 my time getting stitched up and then I go into kind of like this waiting 00:09:30.259 --> 00:09:38.259 area. I think it's where all mothers receive their children and. I am. So 00:09:38.989 --> 00:09:44.196 tired and the first thing that they get me to do is try to breastfeed, but 00:09:44.229 --> 00:09:48.836 I'm falling asleep at this point. And so Jessie has the baby and the nurse 00:09:48.869 --> 00:09:52.196 comes next to me and she asked me, Do you want to try to breastfeed? And 00:09:52.229 --> 00:09:56.515 so I'm like, OK, because that's what I'm supposed to do. And so, um, I'm 00:09:56.548 --> 00:10:00.996 barely able to move my arms and so Jessie kind of puts the baby in in my 00:10:01.029 --> 00:10:06.066 arms. The nurse comes over and guides the baby to my breast and And I 00:10:06.099 --> 00:10:09.307 don't at that point like really know what's going on, but I remember one 00:10:09.340 --> 00:10:12.307 of the last things I said, Jessie was like, don't drop that baby. I'm like 00:10:12.340 --> 00:10:15.106 , I'm not. And he's Jessie's like, do you want me to hold the baby? I'm 00:10:15.139 --> 00:10:18.907 like, I think so. I'm like, you're so much better at this than I am. The 00:10:18.940 --> 00:10:23.135 hardest part of the hospital stay for me was trying to breastfeed. And 00:10:23.168 --> 00:10:28.717 there's so much pressure around breastfeeding and there's not a lot of 00:10:28.750 --> 00:10:33.616 information or coaching from, I guess a patient perspective. It's just, oh 00:10:33.649 --> 00:10:37.135 , you've got to do this and like let's just get it done and so your main 00:10:37.168 --> 00:10:41.657 focus is just to make it work. But they didn't tell me that for the first 00:10:41.690 --> 00:10:45.020 few days, I was only going to be producing. Colostrum, which is the clear 00:10:45.053 --> 00:10:48.260 liquid and that it wasn't going to be the creamy white milk that you're 00:10:48.293 --> 00:10:52.811 used to seeing. So I'm thinking that something's wrong, but my mom came 00:10:52.844 --> 00:10:56.101 and she told me to go ahead and just feed the baby formula, but I told her 00:10:56.134 --> 00:10:58.941 I'm like, I'm not supposed to. I have to breastfeed the baby and she's 00:10:58.974 --> 00:11:02.662 like, we're arguing because she's like, he's so hungry in the hospital at 00:11:02.695 --> 00:11:07.635 this time, none of the nurses. were encouraging me to give them any type 00:11:07.668 --> 00:11:12.436 of formula or supplement at all until one night there was this Asian nurse 00:11:12.469 --> 00:11:14.917 who came in. She was like, do you want a little bit of formula? And I was 00:11:14.950 --> 00:11:18.596 like, yes. And she's like, it's OK. I supplemented with my children. And 00:11:18.629 --> 00:11:22.912 so she brought me some. Leads into the other part about coming from a 00:11:22.945 --> 00:11:26.500 different cultural background. Being an Asian-American, it's kind of half 00:11:26.533 --> 00:11:31.672 and half. I take the doctor's orders when it comes to a lot of things. But 00:11:31.705 --> 00:11:35.302 then there are just some things that I trust my mom with based upon her 00:11:35.335 --> 00:11:39.750 experience raising children and what's worked for generations of women in 00:11:39.783 --> 00:11:46.260 the past. So I kind of have a healthy balance of, you know, I think 00:11:46.293 --> 00:11:52.297 parenting methods or styles based upon that perspective, but With Miles, 00:11:52.330 --> 00:11:55.976 everything was so great and probably because the novelty of it being the 00:11:56.009 --> 00:12:01.015 first time and having all these new experiences. It was just more exciting 00:12:01.048 --> 00:12:09.048 than anything else. Uh with Davis, he was also unplanned. I also cried I, 00:12:09.298 --> 00:12:12.736 coming home and recovering was hard because I had the baby blues at the 00:12:12.769 --> 00:12:17.496 time and also the incision from the C-section didn't heal that well. I was 00:12:17.529 --> 00:12:24.116 in pain. I was tired. I was Mildly depressed and I wasn't able to 00:12:24.149 --> 00:12:29.816 breastfeed and also. I was living in Mesa, Arizona at the time. It was 00:12:29.849 --> 00:12:35.537 January, so it was cold, um, and it was dark a lot, and I was cooped up in 00:12:35.570 --> 00:12:40.496 this really small room, and this house was built in like the 1920s 00:12:40.529 --> 00:12:44.496 something. It's a really old home and the rooms are all really small and 00:12:44.529 --> 00:12:48.537 we have a California king size bed. So I'm sitting in this room where all 00:12:48.570 --> 00:12:53.246 we can fit for furniture is our bed and our end tables with really closed 00:12:53.279 --> 00:12:57.496 walls around us and everything is kind of old and I feel like maybe has 00:12:57.529 --> 00:13:01.287 like a little bit of a smell to it inside the home. The sheets are all old 00:13:01.320 --> 00:13:06.650 like older and stained from our first child. and like kind of like not 00:13:06.683 --> 00:13:10.201 fitting that well from us putting it in the dryer too many times. And then 00:13:10.234 --> 00:13:13.400 the blankets are hand me downs from his grandma, so they're a little bit 00:13:13.433 --> 00:13:17.561 worn out. Everything is like a shade of blue and it's dark outside. The 00:13:17.594 --> 00:13:21.441 walls are white, a little bit dingy from the yellow lighting, and I'm just 00:13:21.474 --> 00:13:28.326 laying in bed with this child 24 hours a day. And just my focus is just 00:13:28.359 --> 00:13:34.476 trying to get him to eat and be happy and so. I wasn't as successful 00:13:34.509 --> 00:13:38.395 breastfeeding Davis. I finally broke down and told Jessie that I just 00:13:38.428 --> 00:13:42.116 can't do it. I have to start supplementing because I started supplementing 00:13:42.149 --> 00:13:45.557 my milk production went down and so I stopped feeding him sooner than I 00:13:45.590 --> 00:13:49.635 would have liked to. And it also made me feel kind of guilty because I 00:13:49.668 --> 00:13:54.316 wasn't breastfeeding him throughout his early development days. Oh, I 00:13:54.349 --> 00:13:57.856 think Davis was like 4 to 6 months. I found out that I was pregnant with 00:13:57.889 --> 00:14:05.375 Connor. And that was the biggest shock I had ever received. I had, I had 00:14:05.408 --> 00:14:08.775 gotten on um some special birth control for mothers who are breastfeeding 00:14:08.808 --> 00:14:14.116 , but it had made me nauseous. My system wasn't responding to it very well. 00:14:14.149 --> 00:14:18.366 And so I stopped taking it, but then I, but I thought, surely I would not 00:14:18.399 --> 00:14:24.005 get pregnant so quickly after I had a baby and certainly not a third time. 00:14:24.038 --> 00:14:26.686 So we found out that I was pregnant with Connor because, you know, 00:14:26.719 --> 00:14:34.236 biology does work and uh This time I had my tubes tied. 00:14:34.269 --> 00:14:38.606 But I went to a different hospital this time and the experience was so 00:14:38.639 --> 00:14:43.167 much better than with my first and certainly with my second child. The 00:14:43.200 --> 00:14:47.167 staff was much more friendly. They took the time to explain everything 00:14:47.200 --> 00:14:52.167 that was going to happen. Everyone was just polite and friendly at this 00:14:52.200 --> 00:14:58.706 place, um, and. They did not give me morphine or anything this time when I 00:14:58.739 --> 00:15:02.986 went in to have the C-section, which I think made a huge difference. I, 00:15:03.019 --> 00:15:06.025 you know, there's a domino effect when it goes to the recovery from your 00:15:06.058 --> 00:15:09.856 labor and delivery that it all starts with that first, you know, delivery 00:15:09.889 --> 00:15:14.226 experience and everything just kind of adds to it. So because I wasn't on 00:15:14.259 --> 00:15:18.576 morphine, I was I wasn't as tired and I was clearheaded when I first 00:15:18.609 --> 00:15:23.496 received Connor. And so I was able to bond with him more quickly. I didn't 00:15:23.529 --> 00:15:27.417 follow a slave and spend more time holding him and also right from the 00:15:27.450 --> 00:15:31.246 start to try to start feeding him. The lactation consultant this time came 00:15:31.279 --> 00:15:34.375 in and she explained, you know, first you're going to have the Colostrum, 00:15:34.408 --> 00:15:38.336 that's OK, that should be enough. Just let them nurse as much as possible. 00:15:38.369 --> 00:15:41.525 The room was much brighter wherever we were at. I think we're also on a 00:15:41.558 --> 00:15:45.407 different side of the of this hospital where the sun came in through the 00:15:45.440 --> 00:15:49.496 window. The room was a lot bigger. It was clean, but it didn't feel 00:15:49.529 --> 00:15:53.765 extremely sterile, and plus the nurses coming in and out were just really 00:15:53.798 --> 00:15:58.736 friendly and nice, and I think that just had a different energy and it 00:15:58.769 --> 00:16:02.696 just made the whole experience better and I was seeing things from a 00:16:02.729 --> 00:16:07.496 different perspective. Things at home are going much better, so everything 00:16:07.529 --> 00:16:11.116 with Connor is going much better. And although he was a child that I was 00:16:11.149 --> 00:16:15.217 probably the most, and I feel awful for the most sad about finding out 00:16:15.250 --> 00:16:19.336 that I was pregnant with, he ended up being the best one. And although we 00:16:19.369 --> 00:16:24.336 went back home to that home. In Mesa with the small room and the bed 00:16:24.369 --> 00:16:28.255 that's too high for me to get on and like no furniture and it's like a 00:16:28.288 --> 00:16:34.645 closed-in like cell because I just felt more at peace with the whole 00:16:34.678 --> 00:16:40.635 situation. I wasn't as impacted by my Surroundings, my physical 00:16:40.668 --> 00:16:45.316 surroundings, uh, my attitude had changed and so my whole like. 00:16:45.349 --> 00:16:49.677 Perspective on the situation changed. It's just our whole family just 00:16:49.710 --> 00:16:53.956 feels like this is who we are. This is where this is our family. This is 00:16:53.989 --> 00:16:57.489 the starting point of the rest of our lives.