You know, it was early spring when I had my very first child and I had
just previously the previous weekend had had my baby shower, so I remember
that it was just it was that freshness of Arizona where it was the pool
sparkled and the breeze was nice and everyone sat outside in the shade
already, of course, but it was that sweet time of year when you can be
outdoors in Arizona. My very first pregnancy was difficult. I had at the
end of the pregnancy, I had a hard time getting up out of bed. I was sore
all the time. I really had a lot of the ligaments that are loosened during
pregnancy. I had a lot of trouble getting up out of bed. And I had a lot
of trouble sleeping at night too. So that that part of the pregnancy
wasn't pretty, and I gained 60 pounds both times I was pregnant, so the
doctors thought I was eating a crazy amount of food, which is not true. It
just was a lot of water weight, so there weren't it wasn't it wasn't a
beautiful process by any means for me. As the pregnancy progressed, my
feet actually became gigantic, and I could actually feel the water in my
feet as I walked in my shoes. And I would wear these loafers and for some
reason to this day, my children are 5 and 7 years old. I don't wear the
loafers, but I still have them for some sentimental weird reason, but I
remember the water sloshing on the tops of my feet and then my feet kind
of folding over the tops of the loafers. That's how huge my feet were.
Looking back at the photos, I just can't even imagine that your body can
endure that physical transformation. I don't remember being unhappy at the
time. I remember thinking that this is such a blessing. I know I'm going
to have a happy, healthy child, and I'm glad I get to do that, but I
remember just the physical pain, but it wasn't emotional pain. I knew from
a very from the very beginning that I most likely was not going to have a
vaginal delivery. I um my first pregnancy and my subsequent pregnancy
turns out both of them were frank breech, so that means that their spinal
cord actually aligns with your spinal cord when their spine is usually at
your stomach. So they were Backwards and with head up instead of head down
the entire time. So that's why I had to have both of them, C-sections.
When my seven year old, when it came time for her to be born, she was
actually due on the 28th of March and March 10th, I went in for a doctor's
appointment and the amniotic fluid was at a 4, which is dangerously low.
So the doctor advised me right then and there to go to the hospital and we
were going to have a baby that afternoon. So I said, I think I at least
want to run home and grab my husband and my stuff. Would that be OK? And
she said, yeah, I grab that and then meet me there. So in just a couple of
hours, it was a whirlwind and I had driven to the doctor by myself.
Because I thought it was a routine appointment and I called Jim, who was
on the golf course and said, you need to get off the golf course and meet
me at home. We're going to the hospital to have a baby. And he thought I
was joking and I said, I'm not, I'll meet you there in 20 minutes. So he
left the golf course. We met at home and I cried the entire way. It was
probably the most dangerous car ride because it's terrifying to think that
your amniotic fluid is so low, terrifying to think that you still had. You
know, 18 more days until the baby had arrived. I really didn't, I didn't
have any of the clothing washed, and I just kept thinking I have to focus
on the important part of this, which is having a healthy baby and not the
the washcloths clean and ready because that stuff can happen, but my mind
couldn't rationalize all of that at that time. It was just this massive
chaos of a storm driving down the 51 freeway and And my mom, who lives in
town, had met us at the house because she was going to babysit our dog at
the time, and she took a couple of last minute pictures of us heading to
the hospital and my face was as red as red could be. It was every emotion
that I'd ever felt in my life, I think it just wrote itself in red across
my face and we headed to the hospital and I did not know if I was having a
boy or a girl. And that was something that we had said that there are not
very many great surprises in life anymore and we really wanted to wait.
And then as soon as Jim was with me, I felt much more at ease that there
was, you know I had a partner in this process and I just kept thinking,
we're going to finally find out if we have a boy or a girl. And then I
started focusing on that instead of the The turmoil and the fear. I
remember them putting in the IV and I had to focus outside the window and
I found this crack on the building that I really zoned in on because the
IV hurt so terribly bad and I don't know if she just was not professional
at it, but I thought, oh my gosh, if I can't handle this, there's no way I
could have pushed out a baby. And
then Jim got in his gown and it was a rather rapid. It wasn't a check-in
and wait. It was we got there, I got in the bed. Jim got his gown on and
we went down to the room where they did the C-section. So, um, and then
they strap your arms down so you can't move your arms and I kept remember
I saw the IV and I thought, gosh, I hope they can stop bumping that. That
hurt so bad. Before that, actually though, they had you lean over to put
the epidural in, or the spinal block, I think is what it's called for a
C-section. It's an actual block, so you feel nothing from the waist down,
and then they strap your hands down and then give you the oxygen mask and
then the gown goes up. So the the sheet so that you can't see what's going
on down there, and then they bring the husband in. And I believe at that
time, that's when they put in your catheter. And then start prepping the
area. And what I remember at that time was that you know I felt like there
was a lot of motion back there, but I couldn't see anything and I kept
thinking about you know pay no attention to the man behind the curtain and
just thinking about how sad it was that I actually couldn't see my child
arrive on the planet. I could only hear Jim talking to me about it. I
couldn't see anything. And I remember him saying that, oh, there's an arm.
Oh, there's and then he's like, what is it? And you can see because
they're Frank breech babies that they just look like a little tube of
sausage and their legs are, you know, back up over their ears and I
remember this terrible feeling on my right side. And it was, it hurt so
bad and I thought, how come I'm feeling this? And then when I actually
watched the video later, I could see that it was the nurse who was
actually pushing the baby from the top so the doctor could grab from the
bottom and it was kind of like this internal external. tug of war. And I
remember like, she's going to break my ribs.
I didn't know what it was and it was human hands pushing this 6 pound baby
, which is kind of tiny, but out of a 3 or 4 inch incision. So it's pretty
miraculous that they're little pieces of rubber that can bend in that
crazy way to get out of that tiny little incision.
When they flip the baby over and they say, You have a little girl, and
that's all I heard and I couldn't see anything yet, but then they you know
they take this little tiny 6 pound thing way over on the other side of the
room and you don't get to see it, hold it, feel it, can't hardly even hear
it because the cry is so so weak. And I just remember her looking so
saying to myself, one, I can't believe that I have a daughter. That just
sounds, it didn't come naturally at the time. And then to see that because
she was so early, she was so early and because it was a C-section baby,
they come out and they're covered in that Vernex still, which is that waxy.
Um, coating on the baby that actually diminishes as the baby goes as the
baby progresses and comes to be full term. So she was just covered in this
white waxy material, and I thought, they better get that off of her.
That's it seemed very alien-esque. Not not a cute, healthy baby being born
into the world that you see on the movies. It was very down and dirty and
in the trenches. I can't believe what I'm seeing. I can't believe that
came out of my body type of thing. Jim's obviously you know focused on the
baby now, so I don't know exactly what's going on down there. I don't know
anything about the the afterbirth or the placenta. I have no clue what
happened. Um, I do remember feeling. After the first pregnancy, very itchy
in my face because of the drugs, and the second pregnancy, I had a violent
reaction to the anesthesia and I vomited for 6 to 8 hours, so I didn't
hold the baby. I would try to nurse and then throw up and try to nurse and
then throw up. And I remember Jim walking around the room with the baby
crying, Genevieve, the youngest crying. And I just thought, I'm so sick. I
can't hold the baby and I just I just wish for silence. I can't rest. I
can't recover. And it was a pretty that was a hopeless feeling that I
couldn't help her. I couldn't help Jim and I couldn't help myself.