This is Boris Solis. Talking about my birth story for the Creative Push
project on June 22nd, 2015 at 12:10. OK. So, like all birth stories, they
started with the conception, which was a challenge. Um, I had thought I
would get pregnant immediately. I don't know why I spent 32 years trying,
well, not really 32. Let's see when. 20 years at least trying not to get
pregnant and then um I'd miss a pill and I'd think, oh my God, I'm
pregnant, you know, and then, and then I actively was trying to get
pregnant, you know, having as much sex with my husband as I possibly could
, you know, and um nothing for months after month after month, you know.
So it was about 6 months in, and at that point, my mother, who really
wanted a grandchild was nagging at me, um, you know, are you pregnant yet
? Are you pregnant yet? And then she would say, Maybe it's time to get
tested, you know, and um. And so that was kind of planted the seed that
something was wrong and put like a lot of stress onto the scenario, you
know, of trying to get pregnant. Um, so anyhow, eventually, I did conceive
, um, and. I remember it was about 3 in the morning and I had taken the
pregnancy test and it said pregnant. And so I crawled into bed with my
husband and I said, we're pregnant. And I remember he just beaming the
rest of the morning, you know, until I had to get up. He just so excited,
just absolutely excited. I look over at him and he'd have this like
petrified, stricken look on his face, you know, like, oh my God, this is
really happening, which is really comical. So, the pregnancy started
almost immediately. I started gaining weight. It was like every time I get
on the scale, I'd be 3 pounds heavier, uh like per day, 3 pounds heavier
until I ultimately gained. Like I would say over 50 pounds, at least 50
pounds. And it was summertime. It was so hot in Arizona, you know, it's
like 115 degrees and I'm just like waddling around and I'd float in the
pool and I was like, I'm white, white, white, fair skinned, and I just
looked like this marshmallow floating on top of the water with these like
enormous breasts and this enormous thighs and butt and everything just got
so big. I, it's like I did not even recognize myself, you know, um, and so
then. I had noticed, oh, I was taking hypno birthing classes and I thought
I should be doing something to educate myself, you know, about this
process and how to make it through the delivery because I wanted to have a
natural birth, you know, whatever that means. I wanted to not have an
epidural, um, because my mother did. She had 3, she had 4 children
naturally and she was like a baby machine. So I thought, oh yeah, I, I can
do this, right? So the hypno birthing classes would come around and my
hypno birthing instructor was like really sweet, really sweet, beautiful
woman, and I could just tell this was not working for me. I couldn't focus.
I wasn't self-hypnotizing at all. I was just obsessing about my stomach
would be growling when I'd be laying down or I'd have some sensation of
hair tickling my face or something that would keep me like in reality, you
know, and I couldn't get past that. My husband, on the other hand, would
fall asleep like immediately after trying to self hypnotize. But so I felt
like I was almost taking continuing the course for her benefit, uh,
because she was so sweet. I couldn't just tell her this is not working. Um
, so I noticed when I would be standing in the bathroom brushing my teeth
or doing something like that, that a little puddle of water would be on
the ground, you know, like just a couple inches in diameter, um, like a
tablespoon, let's say. And I was feeling like it was my water breaking,
you know, but it wasn't really breaking the way everyone says. It wasn't
this giant gush, you know, so I just didn't know what that was. So I
called the doctor and he said, go to the hospital and at this point I'm
pretty much do. Like I'm around, it's around my due date, so I'm not, so
I'm thinking that's what it is. So I go to the hospital and they swab for
amniotic fluid and they said, No, it's not amniotic fluid. You must be
peeing yourself. I mean, literally, that's what they said. And I said, no
, I, I know I'm not peeing myself. Like I know I'm like almost I'm 9
months pregnant, but I'm sure that I'm not urinating on myself. And so she
said, well, I don't know, you know, it's, it, it is what it is. It's not
um amniotic fluid, so you can go ahead and go home. So I felt like really
dismissed. And um and so I went home and then it was like days rolling by
of this kind of consistent water leakage. So I called the doctor again and
they say, go to the hospital. So I go to the hospital and I go through the
exact same routine except finally they said, yes, it's amniotic fluid. And
then they said, when did this leaking start? And I said, well, like about
33 or 4 days ago and they said, OK, now you're going to be like rushed
into induction because at this point, they're worried about infection. So
my mother was there, Eric was there. And we were ready to go and so they
brought me to this room and I had knew I was friends with the head nurse
and so I think I got a really good room. It was this gigantic room and you
know, big bed right in the, not a big, big bed but a nice size hospital
bed, not like a twin in the center and, uh, and my husband was there and
my mother. And I was given Pitocin so that was started the whole process
so I never had one natural contraction ever. It was all chemically induced
labor and with Pitocin, the contractions are far more intense and kind of
not spaced out and they don't really build on each other the way you
naturally would, you know, where you'd be at home and be like, oh, I'm
feeling some tightening, and then. You know, however, longer after that,
you feel more tightening and then it would get a little closer together
and they'd be more intense. It wasn't like that. It was just like
instantaneously once that Pitocin hit intense like labor. And so I would
be standing and like swinging. My husband would be behind me like with his
hands on my hips and the baby monitor, because I, of course, the monitors
all over me. So, you know, and they were they were monitoring my
contractions and heart rate and things like that. The monitor would be
right there and you could see on the monitor when there would be a
contraction and the strength of the contraction, which is interesting and
I found that the only way I could tolerate it was if I was standing, and
then I was like, well, you know, I could try that. You know, um, what do
they call those, like laboring balls or birthing balls or something where
you kind of like sit on a bouncy ball. And so I tried that and I was like
, no, this did not work out. So then immediately the nurse comes in and
says, oh, the baby's not happy. So could you, you need to lay down. And
then I laid down and it was like the end. I mean, I was writhing in pain.
I could not lay down, you know, but they wanted me to lay down because of
the baby's heart rate or whatever it was and I was like, can I just stand
up again? That would feel better. And they were like, no. So I'm laying
down and I'm like not handling it. I mean, I'm not going inward. I'm not
feeling like I'm in any sort of control. It's like I'm so hyper-aware of
the agony. Everything is tense. And my mother, the nurse came in and said
, we're about to go to lunch. Um, so, you know, I'll see you and whatever.
And mother said, before you go to lunch, could you just check her
dilation? So she checked and I was at like 4 centimeters. So it was
terrible. And at that point, mother looks at me and looks at her and says
, why don't we just go ahead and do an epidural? And I was like, OK, I
just forget it, throw in the towel. You know, I was hoping to at least
make it to 7 centimeters or something, but 4. OK. So then we scheduled the
epidural and the epidural guy comes in. I think all people have to be out
of the room. So husband was out, mother was out. It was just me and the
doctor. And I was, the whole time I'd been like terrified of this process
, the epidural. That was the only reason I wanted to do natural delivery
was just to not get an epidural. The idea of like a long needle going in
my back and possibly, you know, you hear horror stories of like, um, you
know, losing um all feeling in the lower part of your body for the rest of
your life, for instance, or I don't know, many terrible things like
chronic pain after this. So I had no idea what to expect. So you're having
, I'm having these rolling horrible contractions and I had to lean forward
, of course, and he's behind me and he's putting iodine or whatever it is
, they couldn't do iodine on me. It was something else. And Then he
inserts the needle in between, you're supposed to just stay still, right?
So control the control all of your body and not tense up and not, you know
, jerk or anything like that. And so he does it, everything's fine with
that and immediately it was like relief. I mean just total relief. I can't
even tell you. So. Um, at that point, I'm on the bed and I'm comfortable
and mom and um my husband go to sleep and they kind of take a nap. And the
next thing I know, the nurse comes in to check me again and I was like 9
centimeters, almost 10, almost fully dilated, which was excellent. So it
happened pretty quickly. I think that I was finally able to relax and then
of course, they probably just cranked up the Pitocin cause why not to
speed things along. So it went at that point I felt pretty quickly. Um,
and I was really glad my mother was there because, uh, at certain points
on the bed, my water had finally broken and it would just be like sitting
in water, you know, and so she would be like, lift up your hips and like
pull this kind of like diaper pad they have you sitting on out from under
you and then put a fresh one down. It was just so nice to have someone
doing that. So the nurses weren't coming in and doing that and I had my
mother there to kind of take care of that stuff and I wasn't. being
humiliated or, um, you know, having strangers deal with me in very
intimate ways. So, Let's see. After the epidural, they put the catheter in.
So at this point, I had a monitor strapped to my belly. I had an IV. I
had an epidural, I had a catheter, and then they put a fetal monitor
attached to the baby's head. So I had like. 6 tubes going in and out of my
body from various places. And my husband was like, seriously, it was like
a scene from Alien. I mean, there were at least 4 tubes going in your
vagina and then multiple tubes all around you and then like beeping
monitors around you. It was very strange. So let's see, um, after I fully
dilated, it was time to push, and the nurse came in and like walked you,
walked me through the kind of the labor process for a while until I was
like really close to delivering and then the doctor came in. So while she
was there, she would, um, you know, count to 10. And then I'd have to push
or she'd push through the counting. I don't remember at this point, but
her voice was really saccharine. It was like this really sweet quiet voice
and it was like 1234,
and I just wanted to murder her. I mean really bad, like at least bite her
, like a good solid bite, you know. I was a biting baby though, so, you
know, the air is still there, I guess. But so she Did that until I got far
enough along and then the doctor came in and Eric was holding one leg and
my mother was holding the other leg and so they're really, it was really
great in terms of that, it was great. And the doctor was in between my
legs, of course, and he was, um, this is actually a funny story because
when I was going through my prenatal doctor visits, I had chosen this
doctor originally because he was one of the top doctors in our area. And
then I met with him a few times and I really didn't like his bedside
manner because he was really all business and it didn't put me at ease or
make me feel comfortable or anything and I was confused most of the time
because he would just like write stuff in the chart and not tell me what
was going on. So I switched and I felt bad, but it was like whatever. And
so I switched to another doctor who was super soothing voice. He had a
bunch of kids. He was a great, just seemed like a guy that would really
put me at ease. So then the day of my delivery, my doctor is out of town.
So guess who delivers my baby? The doctor that I, you know, changed, that
I did not want to be my doctor, and he knew, he knew totally, you know,
when your patients changed to another doctor in your uh practice. And so
he comes into the living room and it's like, oh my God, this is so bad,
but you're in such another headspace, you're like, whatever. And so, but
he was exactly the personality I needed. I didn't need to be sued. I
needed to be like yelled at. I needed this baby out of me, you know, so he
was like, push, you know, he's like screaming, push, push. It was really
funny, but it was just perfect because it was like, OK, you really bear
down, really push. You needed that. You didn't need someone like
whispering to you. So I pushed and my mother and I was like, is it
anything happening, you know, cause I couldn't feel it. And you know, I
could actually I could feel some sort of cramping, but I couldn't tell
that muscles were contracting. I couldn't feel there was a baby's head
emerging or anything, you know. And I said, is anything going on? And my
mom was like, well, yeah, you know, the head's like pushing out but then
it goes right back in as soon as you stop pushing. And that happened for a
while. I don't know exactly how long but it happened a while. And then the
doctor said. Can we do an episiotomy? He was like, we need to do an
episiotomy. He's like, yes, do it. So he cut me and episiotomy is when
they can, they can cut you in various ways, but they're cutting you um at
the lower part of your vagina to extend your vagina, basically. So they
can cut you from your vagina to your butt hole or to the left or right of
your vagina, um, any of those. So that, so with me, I think they just went
straight down and they didn't go all the way, but it, it was like a good,
I would say, I don't know, an inch or so, you know. And as soon as they
did, the baby emerged, like it just needed that. So I was fine with that.
Um, and so the baby comes out. And they pull him up and this, you know,
it's like a, a bloody mess and he has this thick umbilical cord. I'll
never forget the umbilical cord was like gigantic. It just seemed like if
you were to hold your index finger and your thumb together that thick and
it was like two cords, you know, two ropes, let's see, wrapped around each
other and one was red and one was blue. It looked like it was just really
amazing looking and they asked Eric if you want to cut it, and of course
he did. And so, you know, they clamped it off and he cut it, and I
remember him saying, my God, this is so hard to cut it. It was just like
cutting through rubber, you know. So then, so they put the baby on my
chest and I'm holding the baby and uh Eric isn't standing to my right and
he's weeping and my mother's to my left with a video camera. And the
doctor is between my legs with, he's sewing me up. And so with each, you
know, there's this bright, bright, bright light there where, because of
course, he needs to see and it's kind of dimly lit room. So it's a super
bright light on my vagina, OK, really bright. And he's really lit up from
this kind of um reflective light, and he has this needle and thread, and
he's threading it, threading the needle, and he brings the needle way up
high into the air, like at least a foot and a half, and then he dives it
back down and then he brings it way up high, then he dives it back down.
And I'll never forget that it was just so surreal like I'm having this
intimate moment, you know, with my immediate family and my new baby, and
then I look over it and here's this man like completely at work with like
no sense of what's happening above my vagina. He's just all about that and
like sewing it up and so I'm assuming he did a good job. Um, so then, uh,
they take the baby. Of course there's this whole part after when you have
an epidural where you're like gaining feeling in your lower parts again,
and at that point I felt like that happened really fast because I think
that it probably they turned off the epidural when I was pushing, um, so
they took the baby and they were weighing them and doing various things to
him and Eric was over there and my mother was over there and so I decided
I'm gonna get up and walk over there so I walk over there. And I'm looking
at at the baby when his name's August and the nurse comes and she goes, Oh
, you're bleeding like that, like, oh, you're bleeding, you know, I'm like
, oh, you cut yourself, you know, just very casual about it. And I turn
around and it's like, oh yeah, I am. Like someone had taken a bucket of
blood and like just splashed it on the floor between the bed to where I
was standing, which was like 5 yards, you know, it was not, it was a big
room and They must have just been like from the episiotomy and then maybe
residual stuff. I don't know, but there was plenty of blood there. And I
just thought, how, how can this be normal? You know, how can you lose all
this blood and go through all of this and still be walking around and it
just didn't seem right. So, at that point, I probably, they probably made
me lay down or whatever and, um, for a little while and then I remember
them. Um, bathing August and he had this full head of like thick chestnut
colored hair. I mean, you could have braided it. It was so thick and spiky.
It was adorable and she was washing his hair and it was just, that was
really sweet. Um, so we changed rooms. And I was able to, they kept me
there for about 4 days. There was some issue with like concern over
possible infection or something. Something about our blood types were
different enough like Eric's and mine were opposite. I don't know, his was
positive, mine was negative, and I don't know. So they kept us there for
about 4 days, but it wasn't a problem because I was really able to just
recover and it was just this little room and my mother had like a little
blow up twin bed or something, and she slept there much of the time. And
it was just August and me and people brought me food and there was a
little shower and a little bathroom right there, and he never really left
the room, so he was able to sleep. I let him sleep in the bed with me.
They weren't, they didn't love that, but to this day, that is an issue
honestly though. It started back then. Um, so he slept in bed with me. It
was really this wonderful intimate time without having to like deal with
being in my own house and like our dogs and just the day to day stuff that
you feel like, you know, you're dealing with when you're in your house. Um
, so that happened. We stayed there for the 4 days and then we went home.
And as soon as I got home, you know, it was chaos. Like, just figuring
out how to be a mother. August was a really challenging baby. He just
constantly cried and um just was never happy, it seemed like. And he
didn't have colic, nothing was wrong with him. We took him to see the
pediatrician. They said, oh yeah, um, he's a fussy baby. Like that's the
diagnosis. He's a fussy baby. So, Um, and mother was like, no, no, no,
babies don't act like this, like something, your baby is super fussy like
, so she, and she had 4 children, so I knew that something was, this is
extra different. And so, um, one thing I was not prepared for, you know,
besides the fussiness like you can get through it, you know, this is your
job, but I just felt like utterly enslaved. I just felt enslaved when I
got home, you know, I, he really could only ever sleep in my arms. He just
wasn't happy when he wasn't in my arms. I don't know. And, um, Eric, my
husband got to like shower and go to the bathroom and come and go as he
pleased without having to consult with me before he did those things. But
I constantly was like, could you hold August while I shower? And then I
had to be in the shower and hear him crying like the entire time or, you
know, could you hold him while I go to the bathroom? And then again, I'd
be trying to go to the bathroom. He'd be crying and it was just really
hard. And I grew to really resent Eric at this time, but now I, now I, I
love him we're still together, so that's good and it's been a few years.
But um, but yeah, I just felt like You know, I don't know because we
talked about having equal roles and he was gonna, you know, I could pump
and he would try to feed him or maybe I would hold him when I was feeding
him, but then he would take turns and stuff. But it really just felt like
the entire burden was on me. Um, and of course I loved him. I was very
excited, but I just, I did feel very much enslaved, you know, I didn't
feel like my own person. I felt more of my own person when I was growing
another person inside me than I did when he finally came out. So, I
remember one time I even mother was like, you've got to get out of the
house. And so we went to a store and I called Derek to say, how is he
doing? And I could hear him crying in the background and I cried the
entire way home from the store, like, we just can't, we can't be here. I
need to just be home. But that being said, um, it's been about 4 years and
he's a wonderful kid, you know, strong, funny, has really developed a
personality, and so it's we've gotten over those difficult times and you
know it's definitely made me a stronger person, but I will never have
another kid.
I think I'm gonna leave it there.