WEBVTT 00:00:01.268 --> 00:00:06.476 This is Boris Solis. Talking about my birth story for the Creative Push 00:00:06.509 --> 00:00:14.509 project on June 22nd, 2015 at 12:10. OK. So, like all birth stories, they 00:00:17.219 --> 00:00:22.625 started with the conception, which was a challenge. Um, I had thought I 00:00:22.658 --> 00:00:26.587 would get pregnant immediately. I don't know why I spent 32 years trying, 00:00:26.620 --> 00:00:31.666 well, not really 32. Let's see when. 20 years at least trying not to get 00:00:31.699 --> 00:00:35.786 pregnant and then um I'd miss a pill and I'd think, oh my God, I'm 00:00:35.819 --> 00:00:39.667 pregnant, you know, and then, and then I actively was trying to get 00:00:39.700 --> 00:00:43.557 pregnant, you know, having as much sex with my husband as I possibly could 00:00:43.590 --> 00:00:49.106 , you know, and um nothing for months after month after month, you know. 00:00:49.139 --> 00:00:52.826 So it was about 6 months in, and at that point, my mother, who really 00:00:52.859 --> 00:00:57.146 wanted a grandchild was nagging at me, um, you know, are you pregnant yet 00:00:57.179 --> 00:01:01.565 ? Are you pregnant yet? And then she would say, Maybe it's time to get 00:01:01.598 --> 00:01:08.855 tested, you know, and um. And so that was kind of planted the seed that 00:01:08.888 --> 00:01:12.576 something was wrong and put like a lot of stress onto the scenario, you 00:01:12.609 --> 00:01:19.025 know, of trying to get pregnant. Um, so anyhow, eventually, I did conceive 00:01:19.058 --> 00:01:25.906 , um, and. I remember it was about 3 in the morning and I had taken the 00:01:25.939 --> 00:01:30.546 pregnancy test and it said pregnant. And so I crawled into bed with my 00:01:30.579 --> 00:01:35.507 husband and I said, we're pregnant. And I remember he just beaming the 00:01:35.540 --> 00:01:39.426 rest of the morning, you know, until I had to get up. He just so excited, 00:01:39.459 --> 00:01:41.587 just absolutely excited. I look over at him and he'd have this like 00:01:41.620 --> 00:01:44.706 petrified, stricken look on his face, you know, like, oh my God, this is 00:01:44.739 --> 00:01:49.126 really happening, which is really comical. So, the pregnancy started 00:01:49.159 --> 00:01:51.867 almost immediately. I started gaining weight. It was like every time I get 00:01:51.900 --> 00:01:55.275 on the scale, I'd be 3 pounds heavier, uh like per day, 3 pounds heavier 00:01:55.308 --> 00:02:00.436 until I ultimately gained. Like I would say over 50 pounds, at least 50 00:02:00.469 --> 00:02:05.076 pounds. And it was summertime. It was so hot in Arizona, you know, it's 00:02:05.109 --> 00:02:10.055 like 115 degrees and I'm just like waddling around and I'd float in the 00:02:10.088 --> 00:02:13.876 pool and I was like, I'm white, white, white, fair skinned, and I just 00:02:13.909 --> 00:02:16.737 looked like this marshmallow floating on top of the water with these like 00:02:16.770 --> 00:02:20.995 enormous breasts and this enormous thighs and butt and everything just got 00:02:21.028 --> 00:02:26.116 so big. I, it's like I did not even recognize myself, you know, um, and so 00:02:26.149 --> 00:02:32.666 then. I had noticed, oh, I was taking hypno birthing classes and I thought 00:02:32.699 --> 00:02:35.585 I should be doing something to educate myself, you know, about this 00:02:35.618 --> 00:02:40.186 process and how to make it through the delivery because I wanted to have a 00:02:40.219 --> 00:02:42.906 natural birth, you know, whatever that means. I wanted to not have an 00:02:42.939 --> 00:02:49.146 epidural, um, because my mother did. She had 3, she had 4 children 00:02:49.179 --> 00:02:52.666 naturally and she was like a baby machine. So I thought, oh yeah, I, I can 00:02:52.699 --> 00:02:56.116 do this, right? So the hypno birthing classes would come around and my 00:02:56.149 --> 00:03:00.767 hypno birthing instructor was like really sweet, really sweet, beautiful 00:03:00.800 --> 00:03:06.186 woman, and I could just tell this was not working for me. I couldn't focus. 00:03:06.219 --> 00:03:11.166 I wasn't self-hypnotizing at all. I was just obsessing about my stomach 00:03:11.199 --> 00:03:15.146 would be growling when I'd be laying down or I'd have some sensation of 00:03:15.179 --> 00:03:18.827 hair tickling my face or something that would keep me like in reality, you 00:03:18.860 --> 00:03:22.146 know, and I couldn't get past that. My husband, on the other hand, would 00:03:22.179 --> 00:03:25.786 fall asleep like immediately after trying to self hypnotize. But so I felt 00:03:25.819 --> 00:03:30.106 like I was almost taking continuing the course for her benefit, uh, 00:03:30.139 --> 00:03:33.267 because she was so sweet. I couldn't just tell her this is not working. Um 00:03:33.300 --> 00:03:40.547 , so I noticed when I would be standing in the bathroom brushing my teeth 00:03:40.580 --> 00:03:43.745 or doing something like that, that a little puddle of water would be on 00:03:43.778 --> 00:03:48.386 the ground, you know, like just a couple inches in diameter, um, like a 00:03:48.419 --> 00:03:54.406 tablespoon, let's say. And I was feeling like it was my water breaking, 00:03:54.439 --> 00:03:57.525 you know, but it wasn't really breaking the way everyone says. It wasn't 00:03:57.558 --> 00:04:00.805 this giant gush, you know, so I just didn't know what that was. So I 00:04:00.838 --> 00:04:04.047 called the doctor and he said, go to the hospital and at this point I'm 00:04:04.080 --> 00:04:07.686 pretty much do. Like I'm around, it's around my due date, so I'm not, so 00:04:07.719 --> 00:04:12.335 I'm thinking that's what it is. So I go to the hospital and they swab for 00:04:12.368 --> 00:04:16.346 amniotic fluid and they said, No, it's not amniotic fluid. You must be 00:04:16.379 --> 00:04:19.866 peeing yourself. I mean, literally, that's what they said. And I said, no 00:04:19.899 --> 00:04:23.366 , I, I know I'm not peeing myself. Like I know I'm like almost I'm 9 00:04:23.399 --> 00:04:26.796 months pregnant, but I'm sure that I'm not urinating on myself. And so she 00:04:26.829 --> 00:04:31.395 said, well, I don't know, you know, it's, it, it is what it is. It's not 00:04:31.428 --> 00:04:34.387 um amniotic fluid, so you can go ahead and go home. So I felt like really 00:04:34.420 --> 00:04:40.265 dismissed. And um and so I went home and then it was like days rolling by 00:04:40.298 --> 00:04:44.717 of this kind of consistent water leakage. So I called the doctor again and 00:04:44.750 --> 00:04:47.836 they say, go to the hospital. So I go to the hospital and I go through the 00:04:47.869 --> 00:04:52.356 exact same routine except finally they said, yes, it's amniotic fluid. And 00:04:52.389 --> 00:04:54.765 then they said, when did this leaking start? And I said, well, like about 00:04:54.798 --> 00:04:57.757 33 or 4 days ago and they said, OK, now you're going to be like rushed 00:04:57.790 --> 00:05:02.236 into induction because at this point, they're worried about infection. So 00:05:02.269 --> 00:05:06.947 my mother was there, Eric was there. And we were ready to go and so they 00:05:06.980 --> 00:05:10.627 brought me to this room and I had knew I was friends with the head nurse 00:05:10.660 --> 00:05:14.627 and so I think I got a really good room. It was this gigantic room and you 00:05:14.660 --> 00:05:18.586 know, big bed right in the, not a big, big bed but a nice size hospital 00:05:18.619 --> 00:05:24.745 bed, not like a twin in the center and, uh, and my husband was there and 00:05:24.778 --> 00:05:30.176 my mother. And I was given Pitocin so that was started the whole process 00:05:30.209 --> 00:05:36.226 so I never had one natural contraction ever. It was all chemically induced 00:05:36.259 --> 00:05:44.145 labor and with Pitocin, the contractions are far more intense and kind of 00:05:44.178 --> 00:05:47.387 not spaced out and they don't really build on each other the way you 00:05:47.420 --> 00:05:50.546 naturally would, you know, where you'd be at home and be like, oh, I'm 00:05:50.579 --> 00:05:54.676 feeling some tightening, and then. You know, however, longer after that, 00:05:54.709 --> 00:05:57.015 you feel more tightening and then it would get a little closer together 00:05:57.048 --> 00:05:59.467 and they'd be more intense. It wasn't like that. It was just like 00:05:59.500 --> 00:06:04.637 instantaneously once that Pitocin hit intense like labor. And so I would 00:06:04.670 --> 00:06:08.187 be standing and like swinging. My husband would be behind me like with his 00:06:08.220 --> 00:06:13.377 hands on my hips and the baby monitor, because I, of course, the monitors 00:06:13.410 --> 00:06:16.846 all over me. So, you know, and they were they were monitoring my 00:06:16.879 --> 00:06:20.145 contractions and heart rate and things like that. The monitor would be 00:06:20.178 --> 00:06:22.627 right there and you could see on the monitor when there would be a 00:06:22.660 --> 00:06:27.637 contraction and the strength of the contraction, which is interesting and 00:06:27.670 --> 00:06:30.976 I found that the only way I could tolerate it was if I was standing, and 00:06:31.009 --> 00:06:35.366 then I was like, well, you know, I could try that. You know, um, what do 00:06:35.399 --> 00:06:39.156 they call those, like laboring balls or birthing balls or something where 00:06:39.189 --> 00:06:42.046 you kind of like sit on a bouncy ball. And so I tried that and I was like 00:06:42.079 --> 00:06:45.846 , no, this did not work out. So then immediately the nurse comes in and 00:06:45.879 --> 00:06:49.387 says, oh, the baby's not happy. So could you, you need to lay down. And 00:06:49.420 --> 00:06:53.825 then I laid down and it was like the end. I mean, I was writhing in pain. 00:06:53.858 --> 00:06:57.387 I could not lay down, you know, but they wanted me to lay down because of 00:06:57.420 --> 00:07:01.096 the baby's heart rate or whatever it was and I was like, can I just stand 00:07:01.129 --> 00:07:04.546 up again? That would feel better. And they were like, no. So I'm laying 00:07:04.579 --> 00:07:09.387 down and I'm like not handling it. I mean, I'm not going inward. I'm not 00:07:09.420 --> 00:07:14.257 feeling like I'm in any sort of control. It's like I'm so hyper-aware of 00:07:14.290 --> 00:07:19.007 the agony. Everything is tense. And my mother, the nurse came in and said 00:07:19.040 --> 00:07:23.406 , we're about to go to lunch. Um, so, you know, I'll see you and whatever. 00:07:23.439 --> 00:07:25.995 And mother said, before you go to lunch, could you just check her 00:07:26.028 --> 00:07:29.567 dilation? So she checked and I was at like 4 centimeters. So it was 00:07:29.600 --> 00:07:33.906 terrible. And at that point, mother looks at me and looks at her and says 00:07:33.939 --> 00:07:37.096 , why don't we just go ahead and do an epidural? And I was like, OK, I 00:07:37.129 --> 00:07:39.937 just forget it, throw in the towel. You know, I was hoping to at least 00:07:39.970 --> 00:07:44.176 make it to 7 centimeters or something, but 4. OK. So then we scheduled the 00:07:44.209 --> 00:07:47.276 epidural and the epidural guy comes in. I think all people have to be out 00:07:47.309 --> 00:07:50.416 of the room. So husband was out, mother was out. It was just me and the 00:07:50.449 --> 00:07:54.495 doctor. And I was, the whole time I'd been like terrified of this process 00:07:54.528 --> 00:07:57.015 , the epidural. That was the only reason I wanted to do natural delivery 00:07:57.048 --> 00:08:00.866 was just to not get an epidural. The idea of like a long needle going in 00:08:00.899 --> 00:08:06.145 my back and possibly, you know, you hear horror stories of like, um, you 00:08:06.178 --> 00:08:10.507 know, losing um all feeling in the lower part of your body for the rest of 00:08:10.540 --> 00:08:13.627 your life, for instance, or I don't know, many terrible things like 00:08:13.660 --> 00:08:17.627 chronic pain after this. So I had no idea what to expect. So you're having 00:08:17.660 --> 00:08:21.257 , I'm having these rolling horrible contractions and I had to lean forward 00:08:21.290 --> 00:08:25.305 , of course, and he's behind me and he's putting iodine or whatever it is 00:08:25.338 --> 00:08:28.486 , they couldn't do iodine on me. It was something else. And Then he 00:08:28.519 --> 00:08:31.645 inserts the needle in between, you're supposed to just stay still, right? 00:08:31.678 --> 00:08:37.366 So control the control all of your body and not tense up and not, you know 00:08:37.399 --> 00:08:41.446 , jerk or anything like that. And so he does it, everything's fine with 00:08:41.479 --> 00:08:46.967 that and immediately it was like relief. I mean just total relief. I can't 00:08:47.000 --> 00:08:53.385 even tell you. So. Um, at that point, I'm on the bed and I'm comfortable 00:08:53.418 --> 00:08:57.746 and mom and um my husband go to sleep and they kind of take a nap. And the 00:08:57.779 --> 00:09:02.816 next thing I know, the nurse comes in to check me again and I was like 9 00:09:02.849 --> 00:09:06.547 centimeters, almost 10, almost fully dilated, which was excellent. So it 00:09:06.580 --> 00:09:09.946 happened pretty quickly. I think that I was finally able to relax and then 00:09:09.979 --> 00:09:13.307 of course, they probably just cranked up the Pitocin cause why not to 00:09:13.340 --> 00:09:17.635 speed things along. So it went at that point I felt pretty quickly. Um, 00:09:17.668 --> 00:09:21.505 and I was really glad my mother was there because, uh, at certain points 00:09:21.538 --> 00:09:25.866 on the bed, my water had finally broken and it would just be like sitting 00:09:25.899 --> 00:09:28.986 in water, you know, and so she would be like, lift up your hips and like 00:09:29.019 --> 00:09:32.547 pull this kind of like diaper pad they have you sitting on out from under 00:09:32.580 --> 00:09:36.167 you and then put a fresh one down. It was just so nice to have someone 00:09:36.200 --> 00:09:38.907 doing that. So the nurses weren't coming in and doing that and I had my 00:09:38.940 --> 00:09:41.686 mother there to kind of take care of that stuff and I wasn't. being 00:09:41.719 --> 00:09:45.967 humiliated or, um, you know, having strangers deal with me in very 00:09:46.000 --> 00:09:53.496 intimate ways. So, Let's see. After the epidural, they put the catheter in. 00:09:53.529 --> 00:09:59.885 So at this point, I had a monitor strapped to my belly. I had an IV. I 00:09:59.918 --> 00:10:04.157 had an epidural, I had a catheter, and then they put a fetal monitor 00:10:04.190 --> 00:10:10.177 attached to the baby's head. So I had like. 6 tubes going in and out of my 00:10:10.210 --> 00:10:13.537 body from various places. And my husband was like, seriously, it was like 00:10:13.570 --> 00:10:16.505 a scene from Alien. I mean, there were at least 4 tubes going in your 00:10:16.538 --> 00:10:19.816 vagina and then multiple tubes all around you and then like beeping 00:10:19.849 --> 00:10:25.385 monitors around you. It was very strange. So let's see, um, after I fully 00:10:25.418 --> 00:10:31.025 dilated, it was time to push, and the nurse came in and like walked you, 00:10:31.058 --> 00:10:34.667 walked me through the kind of the labor process for a while until I was 00:10:34.700 --> 00:10:38.787 like really close to delivering and then the doctor came in. So while she 00:10:38.820 --> 00:10:44.135 was there, she would, um, you know, count to 10. And then I'd have to push 00:10:44.168 --> 00:10:47.297 or she'd push through the counting. I don't remember at this point, but 00:10:47.330 --> 00:10:52.616 her voice was really saccharine. It was like this really sweet quiet voice 00:10:52.649 --> 00:10:58.816 and it was like 1234, 00:10:58.849 --> 00:11:02.775 and I just wanted to murder her. I mean really bad, like at least bite her 00:11:02.808 --> 00:11:07.717 , like a good solid bite, you know. I was a biting baby though, so, you 00:11:07.750 --> 00:11:12.967 know, the air is still there, I guess. But so she Did that until I got far 00:11:13.000 --> 00:11:16.885 enough along and then the doctor came in and Eric was holding one leg and 00:11:16.918 --> 00:11:20.407 my mother was holding the other leg and so they're really, it was really 00:11:20.440 --> 00:11:23.486 great in terms of that, it was great. And the doctor was in between my 00:11:23.519 --> 00:11:27.606 legs, of course, and he was, um, this is actually a funny story because 00:11:27.639 --> 00:11:34.167 when I was going through my prenatal doctor visits, I had chosen this 00:11:34.200 --> 00:11:37.875 doctor originally because he was one of the top doctors in our area. And 00:11:37.908 --> 00:11:41.706 then I met with him a few times and I really didn't like his bedside 00:11:41.739 --> 00:11:45.307 manner because he was really all business and it didn't put me at ease or 00:11:45.340 --> 00:11:48.625 make me feel comfortable or anything and I was confused most of the time 00:11:48.658 --> 00:11:50.907 because he would just like write stuff in the chart and not tell me what 00:11:50.940 --> 00:11:55.066 was going on. So I switched and I felt bad, but it was like whatever. And 00:11:55.099 --> 00:11:58.515 so I switched to another doctor who was super soothing voice. He had a 00:11:58.548 --> 00:12:02.106 bunch of kids. He was a great, just seemed like a guy that would really 00:12:02.139 --> 00:12:08.116 put me at ease. So then the day of my delivery, my doctor is out of town. 00:12:08.149 --> 00:12:13.956 So guess who delivers my baby? The doctor that I, you know, changed, that 00:12:13.989 --> 00:12:17.557 I did not want to be my doctor, and he knew, he knew totally, you know, 00:12:17.590 --> 00:12:22.196 when your patients changed to another doctor in your uh practice. And so 00:12:22.229 --> 00:12:25.346 he comes into the living room and it's like, oh my God, this is so bad, 00:12:25.379 --> 00:12:29.025 but you're in such another headspace, you're like, whatever. And so, but 00:12:29.058 --> 00:12:31.826 he was exactly the personality I needed. I didn't need to be sued. I 00:12:31.859 --> 00:12:35.385 needed to be like yelled at. I needed this baby out of me, you know, so he 00:12:35.418 --> 00:12:40.307 was like, push, you know, he's like screaming, push, push. It was really 00:12:40.340 --> 00:12:43.956 funny, but it was just perfect because it was like, OK, you really bear 00:12:43.989 --> 00:12:46.606 down, really push. You needed that. You didn't need someone like 00:12:46.639 --> 00:12:50.427 whispering to you. So I pushed and my mother and I was like, is it 00:12:50.460 --> 00:12:55.486 anything happening, you know, cause I couldn't feel it. And you know, I 00:12:55.519 --> 00:12:58.765 could actually I could feel some sort of cramping, but I couldn't tell 00:12:58.798 --> 00:13:01.407 that muscles were contracting. I couldn't feel there was a baby's head 00:13:01.440 --> 00:13:05.005 emerging or anything, you know. And I said, is anything going on? And my 00:13:05.038 --> 00:13:08.287 mom was like, well, yeah, you know, the head's like pushing out but then 00:13:08.320 --> 00:13:13.086 it goes right back in as soon as you stop pushing. And that happened for a 00:13:13.119 --> 00:13:15.566 while. I don't know exactly how long but it happened a while. And then the 00:13:15.599 --> 00:13:19.427 doctor said. Can we do an episiotomy? He was like, we need to do an 00:13:19.460 --> 00:13:23.145 episiotomy. He's like, yes, do it. So he cut me and episiotomy is when 00:13:23.178 --> 00:13:26.826 they can, they can cut you in various ways, but they're cutting you um at 00:13:26.859 --> 00:13:29.946 the lower part of your vagina to extend your vagina, basically. So they 00:13:29.979 --> 00:13:33.706 can cut you from your vagina to your butt hole or to the left or right of 00:13:33.739 --> 00:13:37.746 your vagina, um, any of those. So that, so with me, I think they just went 00:13:37.779 --> 00:13:40.946 straight down and they didn't go all the way, but it, it was like a good, 00:13:40.979 --> 00:13:44.385 I would say, I don't know, an inch or so, you know. And as soon as they 00:13:44.418 --> 00:13:49.226 did, the baby emerged, like it just needed that. So I was fine with that. 00:13:49.259 --> 00:13:56.326 Um, and so the baby comes out. And they pull him up and this, you know, 00:13:56.359 --> 00:13:59.807 it's like a, a bloody mess and he has this thick umbilical cord. I'll 00:13:59.840 --> 00:14:04.047 never forget the umbilical cord was like gigantic. It just seemed like if 00:14:04.080 --> 00:14:08.057 you were to hold your index finger and your thumb together that thick and 00:14:08.090 --> 00:14:13.206 it was like two cords, you know, two ropes, let's see, wrapped around each 00:14:13.239 --> 00:14:17.525 other and one was red and one was blue. It looked like it was just really 00:14:17.558 --> 00:14:20.446 amazing looking and they asked Eric if you want to cut it, and of course 00:14:20.479 --> 00:14:24.015 he did. And so, you know, they clamped it off and he cut it, and I 00:14:24.048 --> 00:14:26.816 remember him saying, my God, this is so hard to cut it. It was just like 00:14:26.849 --> 00:14:30.936 cutting through rubber, you know. So then, so they put the baby on my 00:14:30.969 --> 00:14:35.057 chest and I'm holding the baby and uh Eric isn't standing to my right and 00:14:35.090 --> 00:14:39.275 he's weeping and my mother's to my left with a video camera. And the 00:14:39.308 --> 00:14:44.677 doctor is between my legs with, he's sewing me up. And so with each, you 00:14:44.710 --> 00:14:47.557 know, there's this bright, bright, bright light there where, because of 00:14:47.590 --> 00:14:50.717 course, he needs to see and it's kind of dimly lit room. So it's a super 00:14:50.750 --> 00:14:54.996 bright light on my vagina, OK, really bright. And he's really lit up from 00:14:55.029 --> 00:14:59.037 this kind of um reflective light, and he has this needle and thread, and 00:14:59.070 --> 00:15:03.316 he's threading it, threading the needle, and he brings the needle way up 00:15:03.349 --> 00:15:06.717 high into the air, like at least a foot and a half, and then he dives it 00:15:06.750 --> 00:15:10.307 back down and then he brings it way up high, then he dives it back down. 00:15:10.340 --> 00:15:14.196 And I'll never forget that it was just so surreal like I'm having this 00:15:14.229 --> 00:15:17.395 intimate moment, you know, with my immediate family and my new baby, and 00:15:17.428 --> 00:15:20.717 then I look over it and here's this man like completely at work with like 00:15:20.750 --> 00:15:24.436 no sense of what's happening above my vagina. He's just all about that and 00:15:24.469 --> 00:15:30.446 like sewing it up and so I'm assuming he did a good job. Um, so then, uh, 00:15:30.479 --> 00:15:33.765 they take the baby. Of course there's this whole part after when you have 00:15:33.798 --> 00:15:36.696 an epidural where you're like gaining feeling in your lower parts again, 00:15:36.729 --> 00:15:39.755 and at that point I felt like that happened really fast because I think 00:15:39.788 --> 00:15:44.167 that it probably they turned off the epidural when I was pushing, um, so 00:15:44.200 --> 00:15:48.047 they took the baby and they were weighing them and doing various things to 00:15:48.080 --> 00:15:51.246 him and Eric was over there and my mother was over there and so I decided 00:15:51.279 --> 00:15:55.667 I'm gonna get up and walk over there so I walk over there. And I'm looking 00:15:55.700 --> 00:16:00.066 at at the baby when his name's August and the nurse comes and she goes, Oh 00:16:00.099 --> 00:16:03.217 , you're bleeding like that, like, oh, you're bleeding, you know, I'm like 00:16:03.250 --> 00:16:06.667 , oh, you cut yourself, you know, just very casual about it. And I turn 00:16:06.700 --> 00:16:09.866 around and it's like, oh yeah, I am. Like someone had taken a bucket of 00:16:09.899 --> 00:16:13.066 blood and like just splashed it on the floor between the bed to where I 00:16:13.099 --> 00:16:17.106 was standing, which was like 5 yards, you know, it was not, it was a big 00:16:17.139 --> 00:16:22.385 room and They must have just been like from the episiotomy and then maybe 00:16:22.418 --> 00:16:26.395 residual stuff. I don't know, but there was plenty of blood there. And I 00:16:26.428 --> 00:16:30.395 just thought, how, how can this be normal? You know, how can you lose all 00:16:30.428 --> 00:16:34.557 this blood and go through all of this and still be walking around and it 00:16:34.590 --> 00:16:37.996 just didn't seem right. So, at that point, I probably, they probably made 00:16:38.029 --> 00:16:42.157 me lay down or whatever and, um, for a little while and then I remember 00:16:42.190 --> 00:16:47.275 them. Um, bathing August and he had this full head of like thick chestnut 00:16:47.308 --> 00:16:51.596 colored hair. I mean, you could have braided it. It was so thick and spiky. 00:16:51.629 --> 00:16:54.275 It was adorable and she was washing his hair and it was just, that was 00:16:54.308 --> 00:17:01.066 really sweet. Um, so we changed rooms. And I was able to, they kept me 00:17:01.099 --> 00:17:05.266 there for about 4 days. There was some issue with like concern over 00:17:05.299 --> 00:17:08.666 possible infection or something. Something about our blood types were 00:17:08.699 --> 00:17:12.305 different enough like Eric's and mine were opposite. I don't know, his was 00:17:12.338 --> 00:17:15.535 positive, mine was negative, and I don't know. So they kept us there for 00:17:15.568 --> 00:17:19.256 about 4 days, but it wasn't a problem because I was really able to just 00:17:19.289 --> 00:17:23.726 recover and it was just this little room and my mother had like a little 00:17:23.759 --> 00:17:27.456 blow up twin bed or something, and she slept there much of the time. And 00:17:27.489 --> 00:17:31.016 it was just August and me and people brought me food and there was a 00:17:31.049 --> 00:17:34.137 little shower and a little bathroom right there, and he never really left 00:17:34.170 --> 00:17:37.696 the room, so he was able to sleep. I let him sleep in the bed with me. 00:17:37.729 --> 00:17:41.055 They weren't, they didn't love that, but to this day, that is an issue 00:17:41.088 --> 00:17:45.916 honestly though. It started back then. Um, so he slept in bed with me. It 00:17:45.949 --> 00:17:50.726 was really this wonderful intimate time without having to like deal with 00:17:50.759 --> 00:17:54.637 being in my own house and like our dogs and just the day to day stuff that 00:17:54.670 --> 00:17:57.676 you feel like, you know, you're dealing with when you're in your house. Um 00:17:57.709 --> 00:18:04.717 , so that happened. We stayed there for the 4 days and then we went home. 00:18:04.750 --> 00:18:09.565 And as soon as I got home, you know, it was chaos. Like, just figuring 00:18:09.598 --> 00:18:14.315 out how to be a mother. August was a really challenging baby. He just 00:18:14.348 --> 00:18:18.847 constantly cried and um just was never happy, it seemed like. And he 00:18:18.880 --> 00:18:21.325 didn't have colic, nothing was wrong with him. We took him to see the 00:18:21.358 --> 00:18:26.006 pediatrician. They said, oh yeah, um, he's a fussy baby. Like that's the 00:18:26.039 --> 00:18:31.147 diagnosis. He's a fussy baby. So, Um, and mother was like, no, no, no, 00:18:31.180 --> 00:18:33.906 babies don't act like this, like something, your baby is super fussy like 00:18:33.939 --> 00:18:38.156 , so she, and she had 4 children, so I knew that something was, this is 00:18:38.189 --> 00:18:43.266 extra different. And so, um, one thing I was not prepared for, you know, 00:18:43.299 --> 00:18:45.785 besides the fussiness like you can get through it, you know, this is your 00:18:45.818 --> 00:18:51.785 job, but I just felt like utterly enslaved. I just felt enslaved when I 00:18:51.818 --> 00:18:57.026 got home, you know, I, he really could only ever sleep in my arms. He just 00:18:57.059 --> 00:19:01.986 wasn't happy when he wasn't in my arms. I don't know. And, um, Eric, my 00:19:02.019 --> 00:19:05.186 husband got to like shower and go to the bathroom and come and go as he 00:19:05.219 --> 00:19:09.127 pleased without having to consult with me before he did those things. But 00:19:09.160 --> 00:19:12.347 I constantly was like, could you hold August while I shower? And then I 00:19:12.380 --> 00:19:15.857 had to be in the shower and hear him crying like the entire time or, you 00:19:15.890 --> 00:19:18.456 know, could you hold him while I go to the bathroom? And then again, I'd 00:19:18.489 --> 00:19:21.456 be trying to go to the bathroom. He'd be crying and it was just really 00:19:21.489 --> 00:19:26.055 hard. And I grew to really resent Eric at this time, but now I, now I, I 00:19:26.088 --> 00:19:29.176 love him we're still together, so that's good and it's been a few years. 00:19:29.209 --> 00:19:33.906 But um, but yeah, I just felt like You know, I don't know because we 00:19:33.939 --> 00:19:38.647 talked about having equal roles and he was gonna, you know, I could pump 00:19:38.680 --> 00:19:41.107 and he would try to feed him or maybe I would hold him when I was feeding 00:19:41.140 --> 00:19:44.107 him, but then he would take turns and stuff. But it really just felt like 00:19:44.140 --> 00:19:48.506 the entire burden was on me. Um, and of course I loved him. I was very 00:19:48.539 --> 00:19:52.226 excited, but I just, I did feel very much enslaved, you know, I didn't 00:19:52.259 --> 00:19:56.186 feel like my own person. I felt more of my own person when I was growing 00:19:56.219 --> 00:20:01.706 another person inside me than I did when he finally came out. So, I 00:20:01.739 --> 00:20:04.706 remember one time I even mother was like, you've got to get out of the 00:20:04.739 --> 00:20:07.305 house. And so we went to a store and I called Derek to say, how is he 00:20:07.338 --> 00:20:10.065 doing? And I could hear him crying in the background and I cried the 00:20:10.098 --> 00:20:13.506 entire way home from the store, like, we just can't, we can't be here. I 00:20:13.539 --> 00:20:19.867 need to just be home. But that being said, um, it's been about 4 years and 00:20:19.900 --> 00:20:23.746 he's a wonderful kid, you know, strong, funny, has really developed a 00:20:23.779 --> 00:20:29.946 personality, and so it's we've gotten over those difficult times and you 00:20:29.979 --> 00:20:32.867 know it's definitely made me a stronger person, but I will never have 00:20:32.900 --> 00:20:35.746 another kid. 00:20:35.779 --> 00:20:38.598 I think I'm gonna leave it there.