This is Boris Solis interviewing Yejin Boyle
at 10:52 on June 20th for the Creative Push project. All right, so for
starters, why don't you kind of take us back to around the time. You know
we didn't talk about this, but you have 3 children. So in terms of the
process, you're welcome to um start chronologically or however you want to
in terms of their births, or just choose one and focus on that one. so
again, this can all be edited. So however, it unfolds is fine. Um, so
maybe whichever birth you want to talk about first, take us back to the
time of that pregnancy or the labor and delivery time. Was there anything
really that memorable about it, you know, stock market crash or you know
anything weather wise, anything you can think of that might be able to
help situate us in time. With my first pregnancy, um, it was with my son
Miles, and it was my first child and my husband Jesse's 3rd, but it was
our first boy. So we're very excited about it and we had only been married
, I think a few months at the time when I found out that I was pregnant.
It was around Christmas, so to announce the pregnancy to my husband, I
packed him, um, I gave, made him a little goodie bag full of all of his
favorite treats. He had been, he was at home from work that day due to an
injury. He had stepped on a nail at work and had to get a tetanus shot, so
he was. laying down on the couch, uh, resting, and when I got home from
work, I gave him his goodie bag and one of the items was a fortune cookie
, and when he opened it up, it had the, I don't I don't remember exactly
what I'd written in there, something about a baby boy coming in the
September the following year or something like that coming soon and then
the date of his like when he was supposed to be born. And so he was really
excited. I was so excited. Oh sorry, I didn't know that it was a boy at
that time. Everything is kind of a blur with the first one after having 3.
But it was unexpected. I remember crying a lot when I found out that I
was pregnant just because we had, we weren't ready for it financially,
emotionally, or any part of our lives was ready for a child, but After
calming down and realizing, you know, this is such a blessing and God will
provide for us and you know, we're going to love this baby and plenty of
people do it. I started to slowly come around and get more and more
excited. Once I found out that we were having a boy was when I was really
, really excited and looking forward to it. The other kink in the story
came when my husband had received a DUI or been arrested for a DUI about a
year ago and his court date had been postponed. Well, shortly after I
found out that I was pregnant, we received a notice in the mail that he
had to appear in court again. And when he, he spoke with the court
appointed attorney, they told him that he was going to have to serve 4
months. And so Jesse and I had talked about it that he would rather be
there for the. Delivery. So when he appeared in court, he accepted their
offer from the prosecutor and asked if he could just go in that day as
soon as possible. So I was about 4 months pregnant when he went to go
serve a 4 month term. Yeah. So, and it was in the middle of summer. It was
really hot. Uh, we were in our first house at the time, which was a
two-story house. So if you can imagine a 4 month. Pregnant woman 4 from 4
to 8 months pregnant. I was home alone, um with my cat. It was my roommate
at the time. I would just hang out with him, watch TV. I became extremely
unhealthy. No one was there helping me or monitoring what I ate, and plus
I had been on a diet for 20 years of my life. And so I just went crazy,
like 4 Hot Pockets in a sitting watching Marathon Law and Order SVU. It
was, I went a little overboard. Um, and then also, you know, going to work
full time and then trying to visit Jessie in prison. It was, it was
somewhat embarrassing the first time I went there, um. I am obviously
pregnant, standing in line with all these people visiting my husband in
prison and thinking, oh my gosh, my poor Korean mother. What is,
what is going on in my life?
Yeah. Um, but Jessie, so by the time I had been able to um get approved to
see Jessie in prison. I was probably about 6 or 7 months pregnant, so he
saw me at 4 months and then jumped to 6 or 7 months later was the next
time he saw me and he was just like blown away at how big I had gotten.
And we weren't allowed to touch each other either. So his natural
inclination is to, you know, like To my belly, try to feel the baby, but
he couldn't. So, you know, we just sat across the table from each other,
talking for an hour. I'd go home and I would just visit him probably every
weekend and it was like that. We eat food from the vending machine. And
then I go home, hang out with monkey, watch TV, go to sleep and then try
to like make time just pass by until he was released. Well, finally, you
know, everything went well with my pregnancy. Um, I just tried to stay
strong. I went to church a lot. My mom said that And then my mom was also
very encouraging because she said, you know, you're gonna be strong
through your pregnancy, you're gonna have a very strong son, you know, you
have to make sure that you're not letting the stress get to you because
that's gonna affect your baby and his temperament. So just stay positive
and be happy and and uh hopeful and so. That's what I did throughout the
whole pregnancy and then when Jessie was released, it was only a few weeks
until we hadn't until I was due, um, so. During that time, I tried
everything possible. The closer we got to to delivery, the due date to go
into labor, but nothing worked, you know, we walked around the mall, um, I
did like, I think I might have taken some castor oil. I did everything
that they told you to do. And then finally I was like, all right, we're
just gonna have sex, just get it done, just do it. And like, no, it's like
the most unromantic sex ever. And you're just, I'm just huge and
uncomfortable and he's like behind me like all like mortified himself.
But that didn't work and so finally, um, and then I went into my doctor's
office and she stripped my membranes, uh, which is where they go in and
they, um, I, I think that they like do something on the inside to, it's
some medical thing. They strip your membranes, Google it and then Um,
She checked my cervix. I wasn't dilating properly and so she, I was 2
weeks overdue when she finally scheduled the C-section. She was like, OK,
or sorry, she scheduled me to go in to the hospital and um Force my
contractions to start, which
Oh
I forgot exactly what it's called.
Yes, yes, sorry. She, I, I received a Pitocin drip. And which would get my
contractions going as they waited for me to dilate. They broke my water.
And um
Nothing worked.
And finally, after 30 some odd hours of labor, because I was going into
labor during that time, so the contractions were starting. It was really
uncomfortable situation. Uh, I'm, I've always been a very private person,
but after giving birth, like all of your uh
I guess shyness kind of like goes out the door when you have doctors
coming in and out checking your vagina, teams of people you've never met
before, 12 year old med students coming in looking at you. I'm, I have, um
, I'm a pretty open person physically at this point in my life because of
all these experiences. But I didn't go into labor, so the C-section was
scheduled. I was really disappointed about it just because I, no one
really, no one wants a C-section and also because, you know, you always
hear that doctors just schedule C-sections um when it's unnecessary
because they want to continually move moms through the whole process of
labor and delivery. And everything and I just felt like. I wasn't really
comfortable or happy with it, but because my water was broke and the baby
was already in the birth canal. Um, I had to just go through with it. So I
felt like I had, it was the best option at that time. And so it wasn't my
doctor, my regular doctor who gave, who performed the C-section, but it
was another doctor from that clinic and I was really scared. First of all
, the hospital is really. Even though it's a place where people are
supposed to heal and get better, it's a really cold and sterile
environment. So what you're seeing visually is counterintuitive to what
you're supposed to be receiving physically and on the inside. So it's kind
of hard to process visually like that. I am receiving healing when you
feel like you're basically in a cell, you know, and without any like
natural light or um Any like color or it's everything is kind of white or
shades of gray and blue, whatever the hospital's colors are. Um, and then
also people are so used to this process who are working with you. They're
the nurses and doctors are specifically assigned to the maternity ward. So
you kind of feel like just a number that's going through the system as
opposed to a person that they're taking care of and they don't really
explain things that well, especially for a first time mom. Um, I would
appreciate it a little bit better bedside manner, you know, as opposed to
people just coming in, you know, like, oh, we're going to do your drip.
Here's your IV, you're going to put in your catheter, you know, a little
bit more of a conversational or personal level of care would have been
better. Um, so I was already nervous from that and then I had when I asked
for the um.
Ashley, is that are you gonna be able to add that out, do you think? Um,
can I hold him? Yeah, yeah, that would be, I'm like dying to hold him
anyway.
Oh, did you get?
Mm It's a strain Very caring.
He's like someone's getting me. These things are always, I like your hair.
Oh yes you do. Like who are you, lady friend?
Oops, your arms are stuck in there. He's like, just get me, I'm excited.
OK.
Oh yeah. OK, now I know it's hard to get back into it. OK. um, OK, so by
the time that I had asked for the epidural because my contractions were
crazy, oh, on a side note, um, you could on the the monitor was, there was
a monitor next to my bed that was showing me the level of pain that I
should be receiving from my contractions. So it would range from anywhere
from like 50 to 100 to like 300 I suppose when it's supposed to be the
most painful. And I had receiving, been experiencing contractions for
quite a few hours of that 30 hours of labor. Um, and it was into the, in
the middle of the night when I rolled over and I told my husband that, oh
my gosh, Jessie, it hurts so bad. I'm like, I don't know what to do. And
Jessie just looks at me and he's like, I don't know what you want me to do
, babe, but I'm so tired. I gotta rest.
I just stared at him. And then the next day, I think he was trying to make
up for it and so he was like sitting next to me. The monitor was between
us. I was laying down in the bed in the hospital gown and he, and I'm like
squeezing his hand as I'm experiencing contractions and I'm like, oh,
Jessie, and he looks up and I think this is supposed to make me feel
better, but it had the opposite effect. He looked at the monitor, he goes
, oh no, babe, that wasn't even a bad one. It was only in the 100s. You
should be OK.
So Um,
so anyways, by the time I had asked for my epidural, the nurse came in and
um and she. was she told me, uh. You know, she explained what I would be
receiving and I was kind of going back and forth because I didn't want my
baby to be all hopped up on drugs when I had him and I wanted to do it
naturally. This was before I knew that I had to have a C-section and she
just kind of looked at me because I think she was tired of me talking it
through and kind of being, you know, not knowing what I wanted. And she's
like, well, you don't have to take it if you don't want to. I'm like, but
I want to take it. She was like, well, just let me know when you made a
decision. So the so I'm like, so I say I shared all that to let you know
that by the time I had was time for my C-section, I had like had, I was
stress level 10 with everything that had been going on. But the doctor
came and from the point that my C-section was scheduled, everything just
flowed so quickly and everything just happened and um I think it was about
45 minutes tops from the time that they had scheduled my C-section to the
time the baby was due. So what had happened was the doctor came and I and
got me and the first stop was to receive my anesthesia. Um, so they I, my
doctor came in and what she had me do was hold her. And lean on her and
the um anesthesiologist went into my lower back. They um cleaned the area
and then they put in the drip somewhere near my spinal cord. It was a
spinal tap I think was what they called it. And then so as I lost feeling
in my body, I could just rest on my doctor and then she laid me down and
this table was like um probably Like, what I imagine the crucifix look
like because that's all that they offer you, that's all of the space that
they provide is a long beam down the center with two beams going down the
side that your arms are supposed to be laid out on. And then they put a
sheet, so then when they lay me down, they put a sheet between me and the
doctor team. So that I couldn't see. But my doctor did note that there was
a mirror behind me in case I wanted to watch. I open my stomach, pull out
my guts, and then also rip out the baby. No, thank you. So I remember I
started getting a little bit loopy because I think they also provided me
with a bit of a morphine cause I was kind of anxious and stressed out at
the time. Um, but I do remember as I was calming down in my mind, uh, this
kind of made me laugh. So the team of doctors is quickly going to work.
Everyone's cleaning me, getting everything set up, making sure that the
drip is working, and one of the doctors puts on music. And meanwhile, as I
say, these doctors do this all the time. So they aren't even aware of me
really, you know, I'm just part of their project. And so they're just
talking about their weekend plans and their lives and what they had for
lunch. And so, and the music's playing and I think it's journey and it's
like, or no, Holland Oates, rich girl. And one of the doctors like stops
in the middle of his conversation and he's like, who put this on and uh.
And the black doctor goes, I did, and he looks at him, he's like, you did
? And he's like, what? Just cause I'm black, I should put on Jay-Z or
something.
It just made me laugh. So anyways, uh. I, the doctor tells me that she's
ready to go. The room is freezing cold. There's nothing in it except for
all of the machines, the equipment. You can hear the beep, the music
playing, the anesthesiologist behind me. Jesse has now entered the room.
He's sitting next to me to my left holding my hand, but he has a clear
line of sight to the operation that's about to happen, and everyone tells
me that we're ready to go. And so, um. I'm kind of delayed because of all
the drugs that I'm on at this point. And so I, I, I, I speak up. I'm like
, oh wait, Jessie, has it started? Have they started yet? And he's like,
Oh yeah, it started. Apparently they're already like 5 cuts in at that
point, but I couldn't feel anything. Um, and then I was so anxious just
knowing what was going on. Um, I couldn't, and it just smelled like
medicine in the whole room and it was freezing the whole entire time and,
uh, and which I could just feel kind of on my face but not the rest of my
body obviously. And then They're cutting. Jesse's looking, he's squeezing
my hand every once in a while. I think as stuff happens, but I'm not
really processing it to the level that I should. And then all of a sudden
I hear a little, I, I, I hear Jessie go, oh my gosh, I see him. I see him.
And then I hear this like little like cry and and and it and it's smiles
and he's, and they've pulled him out and then I can, I look over to the
left of me quickly as I, I, they just um as they're taking him over to get
cleaned off and Measured and weighed and then they tell Jesse that he can
come over and before and like I don't know how much time has passed or.
There's a lot going on. The doctors telling me that the baby is healthy
and that everything is fine and there's a lot of scuffle going on in the
room, um. As they're like, I think putting me back together, making sure
that the baby is OK, coordinating the effort to reduce now my level of
anesthesia anesthesia. And so Jessie comes over and shows me the baby
really quickly before they leave and uh and I spend the rest of my time
getting stitched up and then moved back into the room. Um, and. I go into
kind of like this waiting area.
Um, where. I think it's where all mothers receive their children or like
reunited with their children or are waiting for a room to open up for them
to spend the rest of their time in the hospital. And
I am. So tired and the first thing that they get me to do is try to
breastfeed, but I'm falling asleep at this point. And so Jessie has the
baby and the nurse comes next to me and she asked me, do you want to try
to breastfeed? And so I'm like, OK, cause that's what I'm supposed to do.
And so, um, I'm barely able to move my arms and so Jessie kind of puts
the baby in uh in my arms. The nurse comes over and guides the baby to my
breast and And I don't at that point like really know what's going on, but
I remember one of the last things I said, Jessie was like, don't drop that
baby. I'm like, I'm not. And he's Jessie's like, do you want me to hold
the baby? I'm like, I think so. I'm like, you're so much better at this
than I am and I just fall asleep.
And I think I just stayed there for a while while Jessie's mom and my mom
come to the hospital to greet us, um, and then I get moved into my room,
um. And Where I spend the rest of the time in the hospital, the hardest,
and then from then on that point on. The hardest point for me, the hardest
part of the hospital stay for me was trying to breastfeed. And there's so
much pressure around breastfeeding and there's not a lot of information or
coaching from, I guess a patient perspective. It's just, oh, you've got to
do this and like let's just get it done and so your main focus is just to
make it work because your baby will not be smart, healthy, or alive and
thriving if you're not breastfeeding. um. But they didn't tell me that for
the first few days, I was only going to be producing colostrum, which is
the clear liquid and that it wasn't going to be the creamy white milk that
you're used to seeing. So I'm thinking that something's wrong and uh
although the lactation consultant had come and see me, I think. She's just
supposed to be, she's supposed to see all these moms within a certain
amount of time. And so she spends a little bit of time with me, gives me
some tips and leaves, but there's not really like one on one support,
which they said that I could receive after I left the hospital. Um, but my
mom came and she told me. To go ahead and just feed the baby formula, but
I told her I'm like, I'm not supposed to. I have to breastfeed the baby
and she's like, we're arguing cause she's like, he's so hungry.
And then, uh, which leads into the other part about having.
Coming from a different cultural background. So whenever my mom would come
to the hospital in Korea, they put something heavy on the baby's chest in
order to help him sleep so that they don't fidget and move around. Well,
in the United States, you're not supposed to have anything around the baby.
No blankets, no dolls or anything. So my mom, when she would come visit
me in the evening and the baby was laying down miles of sleeping, she
would put some pillows on him, on his chest, and then in the morning when
the pediatrician came or when the nurse would come, they, they would look
at the baby and be like, oh no, you can't have this and take it off. But
that night my mom would come and keep doing the same thing, so I. Because
you know, from um being an Asian-American, it's kind of half and half. I
take the doctor's orders when it comes to um a lot of things. But then
there are just some things that I trust my mom with based upon her
experience raising children and what's worked for generations of women in
the past. So I kind of have a healthy balance of, you know, I think
parenting methods or styles based upon that perspective. But It wasn't too
long before I was home. And Miles was wonderful right from the beginning.
I remember when he put when they first put him on my chest so that we
could bond, he lifted his head immediately. And I knew that he was going
to be a strong baby, and he has always been a strong baby, a really good
baby. He slept through the night really early on. Um, he never fussed or
he didn't cry through the night. He only cried if he needed something or
was bored or tired, um. And then
He was born in September, so it was warm in that warm around that time,
but my mom wanted him to be covered head to toe, which is one thing that I
told her was ridiculous because we live in Arizona. Um, also, in Korea,
when you have a baby, they give you seaweed soup to help with your milk
production and you have to eat it every day. And so women just coming over
with seaweed soup for weeks and weeks and finally I just started freezing
it because I wasn't eating it and then finally I was honest and told my
mom to stop because I was tired of eating seaweed soup, uh, um, and then.
And it was also hot outside, so no one wants to eat hot soup while it's
hot outside. And then so my mom also started bringing me kale chips.
Because she was really concerned about the baby, um, getting enough milk,
especially after the whole experience at the hospital.
Yes, so I did stick with breastfeeding with Miles and I breastfed him for
about 4 months until I started working again, going back to work full time
and I tried pumping, but um. I'm a communications manager for our, for a
health insurance company and the culture there is to have a lot of
meetings. The meetings pop up at any time. So it really didn't work for as
far as scheduling the breastfeeding sessions with my role or within our
company just because I couldn't be consistent with it. So from there, I, I
think I tried prompting for about two weeks and then I just went to um
Feeding him at morning and night until my milk started to slowly go down
and then I just stopped cold turkey, which was extremely painful.
Because the milk gets backed up and it's, I don't know, it just really
hurt. Thankfully I never got mastisis or anything or any infections from
it. Um, but It's interesting though, with Miles, I didn't really, I didn't
breastfeed him for very long, but, or I breastfeed him for about 3 months.
With Davis, he, which is my second child, um. And he's about 23 years
younger than Miles, and he was a really hard child to breastfeed. He was
always hungry and I had a bit of baby blues with Davis. Um, my incision
didn't heal that well. Jessie and I were fighting a lot. Miles had a cold
that he infected the whole family with when I got home. And I was just
exhausted, uh, from, and I remember even in the hospital.
The other moms would ask if there was something wrong with my baby or if
he was getting circumcised because he cried so loudly and so much. And uh
it was just because he was so hungry and then finally and oh and in the
hospital at this time, none of the nurses. were encouraging me to give
them any type of formula or supplement at all until one night there was
this Asian nurse who came in. She was like, do you want a little bit of
formula? And I was like, yes. And she's like, it's OK. I supplemented with
my children. And so she brought me some. And uh I remember the day nurse
came in and she was like, oh, so you decided to give him formula? And I
told her I was like, I was like, well, he was really hungry. I'm like, but
we're, but they, what they did was they put uh A certain type of
contraction on contraption on the formula that they gave, which is all
individually bottled and it's only good for a few hours anyways. But they
put these tubes, they connected these tubes to the formula bottle so that
I could tape the tube to my nipple, so that I could squeeze the tube for
the baby to eat out of, but then as he's eating, he's sucking on my boob
and my nipple so that it stimulates milk production. But I had to like
clean that out every time I used it. It was a lot of like it when it
seemed cool and I thought it was working, but it was also and it was
working. But it was also a lot of work. Um, cause you have to clean out
the tube after every use and like when you're going in a hospital bed
recovering from a C-section, it's just a lot of work on my end and also
trying to get someone, making sure to time it correctly so someone's there
to help me. Um, but what is the recovery like on a C-section? About 8
weeks is what they offer you, so. Yes. So what they do is your stapled
clothes. After they stitch you up, they staple your clothes and then they
put this sticky bandage over you. And before you leave the hospital, you
have to be able to pass gas, walk on your own, and then your wound has to
be closed for the most part. So they open it up and then they remove the
stitches or the staples, they just cut them, cut the staples and pull them
out. Um. And then they put clear tape over you to help keep it tight, you
know, um, while you're fully recovering and healing. You're not supposed
to drive or hold anything heavier than your newborn baby. Um, they really
want you to relax as much as possible and just kind of like stay still to
let the wound heal. Um, and you definite one of the things that they
stress is don't sweep because I think that motion. And the movement uh
works that part of your abs and especially that back and forth pulling
from sweeping. Uh, And they also give you Percocet and stool softeners and
then um obviously you're still taking prenatal vitamins, which I found
interesting that they gave you Percocet considering that in your
breastfeeding, considering that while you're pregnant, they only want you
to have Tylenol. So I tried to not take the, the all the oh and they give
you also ibuprofen at the time. Which is also funny because they tell you
discourage you from drinking for so long, you know, and having coffee, but
they're giving you these heavy duty drugs while you're breastfeeding. So,
but my doctor actually told me that if you can drink and still drive,
you're OK to breastfeed.
Because she said that there's a natural filtration system that happens in
your, in your breasts when you're breastfeeding. So that um if you're
having a couple glasses of wine and you're still coherent enough to drive
, then chances are there isn't enough in your system that it'll affect
your breast milk. But I thought that was funny cause every other provider
I speak to is very against, you know, they're very um strong on their
medical morals. So when I had gotten home, uh. With Davis, everything was
different. With Miles, everything was so great and probably because the
novelty of it being the first time and having all these new experiences.
It was just more exciting than anything else. Uh with Davis, he was also
unplanned. I also cried and then I and then I was excited about him, um,
more towards the end of the pregnancy when he was about to come. Uh, I had
the coming home and recovering was hard because I had the baby blues at
the time. And also the incision from the C-section didn't heal that well.
It was a little bit open in one side because I guess the scar tissue was
pushing out from the inside out. And so I was in pain. I was tired. I was
mildly depressed and I wasn't able to breastfeed. Um, so I, and also I was
living in Mesa, Arizona at the time. It was January, so it was cold, um,
and it was dark a lot and I was cooped up in this really small room. And
first of all, I'm not a huge fan of Mesa Arizona to begin with, but it's
what we could afford at the time. Or it's what we can't afford right now
while my husband's going to school full time. Um, and this house was built
in like the 1920s
something. It's a really old home and the rooms are all really small and
we have a California king-size bed. So I'm sitting in this room where all
we can fit for furniture is our bed and our end tables with really closed
walls around us and everything is kind of old and I feel like maybe has
like a little bit of a smell to it inside the home cause there's a
basement area that gets flooded sometimes and that, you know, it opens up
into the rest of the house. Um, and so I'm like, and like the sheets are
all old like older and stained from our first child and and like kind of
like not fitting that well from us putting it in the dryer too many times.
And then the blankets are hand me downs from his grandma, so they're a
little bit worn out. Everything is like a shade of blue. And it's dark
outside, the walls are white, a little bit dingy from the yellow lighting
, and I'm just laying in bed with this child 24 hours a day. And just my
focus is just trying to get him to eat and be happy and so. I wasn't as
successful breastfeeding Davis. I finally broke down and told Jessie that
I just can't do it. I have to start supplementing, but because I started
supplementing, um, The uh I couldn't uh. Because I started supplementing,
my milk production went down and so I stopped feeding him sooner than I
would have liked to. And it also made me feel kind of guilty because I
wasn't breastfeeding him throughout his early development days. Um, but
He's a very healthy boy now. We made it through. Everyone's still alive in
one piece. And uh Davis was so wonderful that we decided to have a third
child unexpectedly.
So when I was about 4 months out, I think Davis was like 4 to 6 months, I
found out that I was pregnant with Connor. And that was the biggest shock
I had ever received. I had, I had gotten on um some special birth control
for mothers who are breastfeeding, but it had made me nauseous. My system
wasn't responding to it very well. And so I stopped taking it, but then I
, but I thought, surely I would not get pregnant so quickly after I had a
baby and certainly not a third time. So we found out that I was pregnant
with Connor because, you know, biology does work and uh
This time I had my tubes tied.
But I went to a different hospital this time and the experience was so
much better than with my first and certainly with my second child. The
staff was much more friendly. They took the time to explain everything
that was going to happen. Everyone was just polite and friendly at this
place, um, and. They did not give me morphine or anything this time when I
went in to have the C-section, which I think made a huge difference. I,
you know, there's a domino effect when it goes to the recovery from your
labor and delivery that it all starts with that first, you know, delivery
experience and everything just kind of adds to it. So because I wasn't on
morphine, I wasn't as Tired and I was clear headed when I first received
Connor. And so I was able to bond with him more quickly. I didn't follow a
slave and spend more time holding him and also just right from the start
to try to start feeding him. The lactation consultant this time came in
and she explained, you know, first you're gonna have the Colostrum, that's
OK. That should be enough. Just let him. Nurse as much as possible. Um,
the room was much brighter wherever we were at. I think we're also on a
different side of the of this hospital where the sun came in through the
window. The room was a lot bigger. And although I am Christian, the other
hospital that we were at, um, they put me in a room with a crucifix on the
wall, which was maybe supposed to be. Uh, what is it, um?
Comforting, but it wasn't. I don't think the I don't, I personally just
don't find like, you know, Jesus on the cross to be comforting. So this
this room was just like open and uh it was clean, but it didn't feel
extremely sterile and plus the nurses coming in and out were just really
friendly and nice and I think that just had a different energy and it just
made the whole experience better and I was seeing things from a different
like, like, you know, perspective and so
Um, and also by this time, Jesse's further on in his studies and has a
more clear focus of what he wants to do. He's quit drinking and smoking
and so, uh, things are definitely better, you know, I feel like we're on
the same track now and he's taken his A career more seriously and um and
so everything in our personal lives is much more stable. Work is going
well for me. I received a promotion and and also a raise and a bonus that
I Wasn't expecting. And so things at home are going much better. So
everything with Connor is going much better. And although he was a child
that I was probably the most, and I feel awful for say the most sad about
finding out that I was pregnant with, he ended up being the best one
overall like from the beginning to even now at this point. He's such a
good baby. He's so sweet and calm. And although we went back home to that
home. In Mesa with the small room and the bed that's too high for me to
get on and like no furniture and it's like a closed-in like cell because I
just felt more at peace with the whole situation. I wasn't as impacted by
my Surroundings, my physical surroundings, uh, my attitude had changed and
so my whole like. Perspective on the situation changed. And it was, it's
just been a great experience with Connor ever since. He's he's such a
wonderful addition to the family, um, and now where Davis is at as a one
year old, he is So cute and so sweet and I love him so much that I just
can't imagine life without any of these three boys and I truly do feel
like that they are a blessing to have and you know we made the decision
that we're not going to have any others. I think part of it is because I
really wanted a girl and this is something that I've come to conclude on
my own is that.
Um, you know.
We don't
I really wanted to have a girl and with Connor, the reason why I decided
to have a C or to circumcision after so I didn't want to, the reason why I
decided to get my tubes tied after having Connor is because I felt like
our family was complete and I really wanted to be responsible financially
with what we could provide for these children. Although we could provide
an endless amount of love for a lot of children, I want them all to be
able to have the best. Experiences that they can have in life. And if
someone gets accepted to an Ivy League school, I don't want it to be an
issue. If they all three get accepted to an Ivy League school, I don't
want it to be an issue or concern of finances why they don't pursue that
or even now as they're trying to figure out who they are and what their
gifts and abilities and talents are, I wanted to be able to financially
provide for them to explore those different interests, you know, I don't
want to ever be able to tell them that they don't have choices in life and
For me, on a more personal note, because Jessie has two daughters from
previous relationships, I feel at peace with our family because for them
they'll always be daddy's little girls, and there won't be someone on our
side, our end of the family that they have to compete with, and they won't
ever feel like they're outsiders because daddy has a little girl that he
spends all of his time with and they only see him sometimes, so they feel
less of a connection with him. So for me, having everyone in our family
have a place is more important than me having a little girl who looks like
me that I can dress up, you know, and plus like um the Jessie's daughters
have been so wonderful. They are so connected to the boys. They love
having little brothers. The brothers love looking like having the older
sisters to look up to and play with and it's just our whole family just
feels like this is Who we are. This is where this is our family. This is
the starting point of the rest of our lives. And so now we're really
excited to move on to the next chapter of really trying to develop these
little human beings and helping them to be responsible, mature, you know,
uh, God-fearing, uh, young people who just make a positive impact on the
world, you know, who receive love in the home and then can go out and love
other people. So. That's really where we're focused on now, and I'm really
excited. We have everyone in place. They're all so different and so unique
, but they're the perfect people for us.
That was awesome. Actually, can you give me one more.