WEBVTT 00:00:01.320 --> 00:00:07.045 This is Boris Solis interviewing Yejin Boyle 00:00:07.078 --> 00:00:13.777 at 10:52 on June 20th for the Creative Push project. All right, so for 00:00:13.810 --> 00:00:18.666 starters, why don't you kind of take us back to around the time. You know 00:00:18.699 --> 00:00:22.706 we didn't talk about this, but you have 3 children. So in terms of the 00:00:22.739 --> 00:00:27.666 process, you're welcome to um start chronologically or however you want to 00:00:27.699 --> 00:00:33.027 in terms of their births, or just choose one and focus on that one. so 00:00:33.060 --> 00:00:37.635 again, this can all be edited. So however, it unfolds is fine. Um, so 00:00:37.668 --> 00:00:41.436 maybe whichever birth you want to talk about first, take us back to the 00:00:41.469 --> 00:00:45.917 time of that pregnancy or the labor and delivery time. Was there anything 00:00:45.950 --> 00:00:51.015 really that memorable about it, you know, stock market crash or you know 00:00:51.048 --> 00:00:53.676 anything weather wise, anything you can think of that might be able to 00:00:53.709 --> 00:00:59.835 help situate us in time. With my first pregnancy, um, it was with my son 00:00:59.868 --> 00:01:05.447 Miles, and it was my first child and my husband Jesse's 3rd, but it was 00:01:05.480 --> 00:01:09.165 our first boy. So we're very excited about it and we had only been married 00:01:09.198 --> 00:01:13.197 , I think a few months at the time when I found out that I was pregnant. 00:01:13.230 --> 00:01:18.126 It was around Christmas, so to announce the pregnancy to my husband, I 00:01:18.159 --> 00:01:21.757 packed him, um, I gave, made him a little goodie bag full of all of his 00:01:21.790 --> 00:01:27.036 favorite treats. He had been, he was at home from work that day due to an 00:01:27.069 --> 00:01:30.915 injury. He had stepped on a nail at work and had to get a tetanus shot, so 00:01:30.948 --> 00:01:37.415 he was. laying down on the couch, uh, resting, and when I got home from 00:01:37.448 --> 00:01:40.816 work, I gave him his goodie bag and one of the items was a fortune cookie 00:01:40.849 --> 00:01:45.296 , and when he opened it up, it had the, I don't I don't remember exactly 00:01:45.329 --> 00:01:49.855 what I'd written in there, something about a baby boy coming in the 00:01:49.888 --> 00:01:52.926 September the following year or something like that coming soon and then 00:01:52.959 --> 00:01:59.367 the date of his like when he was supposed to be born. And so he was really 00:01:59.400 --> 00:02:03.046 excited. I was so excited. Oh sorry, I didn't know that it was a boy at 00:02:03.079 --> 00:02:08.245 that time. Everything is kind of a blur with the first one after having 3. 00:02:08.278 --> 00:02:13.166 But it was unexpected. I remember crying a lot when I found out that I 00:02:13.199 --> 00:02:17.406 was pregnant just because we had, we weren't ready for it financially, 00:02:17.439 --> 00:02:25.096 emotionally, or any part of our lives was ready for a child, but After 00:02:25.129 --> 00:02:28.896 calming down and realizing, you know, this is such a blessing and God will 00:02:28.929 --> 00:02:33.725 provide for us and you know, we're going to love this baby and plenty of 00:02:33.758 --> 00:02:39.166 people do it. I started to slowly come around and get more and more 00:02:39.199 --> 00:02:44.005 excited. Once I found out that we were having a boy was when I was really 00:02:44.038 --> 00:02:49.085 , really excited and looking forward to it. The other kink in the story 00:02:49.118 --> 00:02:56.487 came when my husband had received a DUI or been arrested for a DUI about a 00:02:56.520 --> 00:03:02.196 year ago and his court date had been postponed. Well, shortly after I 00:03:02.229 --> 00:03:06.116 found out that I was pregnant, we received a notice in the mail that he 00:03:06.149 --> 00:03:12.427 had to appear in court again. And when he, he spoke with the court 00:03:12.460 --> 00:03:15.626 appointed attorney, they told him that he was going to have to serve 4 00:03:15.659 --> 00:03:20.275 months. And so Jesse and I had talked about it that he would rather be 00:03:20.308 --> 00:03:25.927 there for the. Delivery. So when he appeared in court, he accepted their 00:03:25.960 --> 00:03:30.255 offer from the prosecutor and asked if he could just go in that day as 00:03:30.288 --> 00:03:34.335 soon as possible. So I was about 4 months pregnant when he went to go 00:03:34.368 --> 00:03:40.737 serve a 4 month term. Yeah. So, and it was in the middle of summer. It was 00:03:40.770 --> 00:03:44.446 really hot. Uh, we were in our first house at the time, which was a 00:03:44.479 --> 00:03:50.745 two-story house. So if you can imagine a 4 month. Pregnant woman 4 from 4 00:03:50.778 --> 00:03:56.975 to 8 months pregnant. I was home alone, um with my cat. It was my roommate 00:03:57.008 --> 00:04:02.416 at the time. I would just hang out with him, watch TV. I became extremely 00:04:02.449 --> 00:04:05.547 unhealthy. No one was there helping me or monitoring what I ate, and plus 00:04:05.580 --> 00:04:09.797 I had been on a diet for 20 years of my life. And so I just went crazy, 00:04:09.830 --> 00:04:14.725 like 4 Hot Pockets in a sitting watching Marathon Law and Order SVU. It 00:04:14.758 --> 00:04:21.286 was, I went a little overboard. Um, and then also, you know, going to work 00:04:21.319 --> 00:04:28.187 full time and then trying to visit Jessie in prison. It was, it was 00:04:28.220 --> 00:04:34.817 somewhat embarrassing the first time I went there, um. I am obviously 00:04:34.850 --> 00:04:39.426 pregnant, standing in line with all these people visiting my husband in 00:04:39.459 --> 00:04:45.825 prison and thinking, oh my gosh, my poor Korean mother. What is, 00:04:45.858 --> 00:04:49.346 what is going on in my life? 00:04:49.379 --> 00:04:57.156 Yeah. Um, but Jessie, so by the time I had been able to um get approved to 00:04:57.189 --> 00:05:03.627 see Jessie in prison. I was probably about 6 or 7 months pregnant, so he 00:05:03.660 --> 00:05:07.166 saw me at 4 months and then jumped to 6 or 7 months later was the next 00:05:07.199 --> 00:05:11.447 time he saw me and he was just like blown away at how big I had gotten. 00:05:11.480 --> 00:05:14.166 And we weren't allowed to touch each other either. So his natural 00:05:14.199 --> 00:05:19.096 inclination is to, you know, like To my belly, try to feel the baby, but 00:05:19.129 --> 00:05:23.575 he couldn't. So, you know, we just sat across the table from each other, 00:05:23.608 --> 00:05:26.976 talking for an hour. I'd go home and I would just visit him probably every 00:05:27.009 --> 00:05:31.257 weekend and it was like that. We eat food from the vending machine. And 00:05:31.290 --> 00:05:34.616 then I go home, hang out with monkey, watch TV, go to sleep and then try 00:05:34.649 --> 00:05:40.055 to like make time just pass by until he was released. Well, finally, you 00:05:40.088 --> 00:05:44.137 know, everything went well with my pregnancy. Um, I just tried to stay 00:05:44.170 --> 00:05:48.786 strong. I went to church a lot. My mom said that And then my mom was also 00:05:48.819 --> 00:05:51.145 very encouraging because she said, you know, you're gonna be strong 00:05:51.178 --> 00:05:53.745 through your pregnancy, you're gonna have a very strong son, you know, you 00:05:53.778 --> 00:05:56.387 have to make sure that you're not letting the stress get to you because 00:05:56.420 --> 00:06:00.627 that's gonna affect your baby and his temperament. So just stay positive 00:06:00.660 --> 00:06:05.947 and be happy and and uh hopeful and so. That's what I did throughout the 00:06:05.980 --> 00:06:09.546 whole pregnancy and then when Jessie was released, it was only a few weeks 00:06:09.579 --> 00:06:15.995 until we hadn't until I was due, um, so. During that time, I tried 00:06:16.028 --> 00:06:20.046 everything possible. The closer we got to to delivery, the due date to go 00:06:20.079 --> 00:06:25.687 into labor, but nothing worked, you know, we walked around the mall, um, I 00:06:25.720 --> 00:06:29.127 did like, I think I might have taken some castor oil. I did everything 00:06:29.160 --> 00:06:31.846 that they told you to do. And then finally I was like, all right, we're 00:06:31.879 --> 00:06:37.616 just gonna have sex, just get it done, just do it. And like, no, it's like 00:06:37.649 --> 00:06:42.176 the most unromantic sex ever. And you're just, I'm just huge and 00:06:42.209 --> 00:06:48.825 uncomfortable and he's like behind me like all like mortified himself. 00:06:48.858 --> 00:06:54.217 But that didn't work and so finally, um, and then I went into my doctor's 00:06:54.250 --> 00:06:58.895 office and she stripped my membranes, uh, which is where they go in and 00:06:58.928 --> 00:07:04.856 they, um, I, I think that they like do something on the inside to, it's 00:07:04.889 --> 00:07:10.986 some medical thing. They strip your membranes, Google it and then Um, 00:07:11.019 --> 00:07:16.887 She checked my cervix. I wasn't dilating properly and so she, I was 2 00:07:16.920 --> 00:07:20.526 weeks overdue when she finally scheduled the C-section. She was like, OK, 00:07:20.559 --> 00:07:28.036 or sorry, she scheduled me to go in to the hospital and um Force my 00:07:28.069 --> 00:07:32.877 contractions to start, which 00:07:32.910 --> 00:07:35.007 Oh 00:07:35.040 --> 00:07:38.526 I forgot exactly what it's called. 00:07:38.559 --> 00:07:44.555 Yes, yes, sorry. She, I, I received a Pitocin drip. And which would get my 00:07:44.588 --> 00:07:49.127 contractions going as they waited for me to dilate. They broke my water. 00:07:49.160 --> 00:07:53.437 And um 00:07:53.470 --> 00:07:56.197 Nothing worked. 00:07:56.230 --> 00:08:03.245 And finally, after 30 some odd hours of labor, because I was going into 00:08:03.278 --> 00:08:06.645 labor during that time, so the contractions were starting. It was really 00:08:06.678 --> 00:08:12.086 uncomfortable situation. Uh, I'm, I've always been a very private person, 00:08:12.119 --> 00:08:19.687 but after giving birth, like all of your uh 00:08:19.720 --> 00:08:23.236 I guess shyness kind of like goes out the door when you have doctors 00:08:23.269 --> 00:08:27.356 coming in and out checking your vagina, teams of people you've never met 00:08:27.389 --> 00:08:35.389 before, 12 year old med students coming in looking at you. I'm, I have, um 00:08:35.438 --> 00:08:39.314 , I'm a pretty open person physically at this point in my life because of 00:08:39.347 --> 00:08:44.076 all these experiences. But I didn't go into labor, so the C-section was 00:08:44.109 --> 00:08:48.755 scheduled. I was really disappointed about it just because I, no one 00:08:48.788 --> 00:08:52.596 really, no one wants a C-section and also because, you know, you always 00:08:52.629 --> 00:08:57.674 hear that doctors just schedule C-sections um when it's unnecessary 00:08:57.707 --> 00:09:01.155 because they want to continually move moms through the whole process of 00:09:01.188 --> 00:09:06.145 labor and delivery. And everything and I just felt like. I wasn't really 00:09:06.178 --> 00:09:09.866 comfortable or happy with it, but because my water was broke and the baby 00:09:09.899 --> 00:09:15.826 was already in the birth canal. Um, I had to just go through with it. So I 00:09:15.859 --> 00:09:20.066 felt like I had, it was the best option at that time. And so it wasn't my 00:09:20.099 --> 00:09:23.746 doctor, my regular doctor who gave, who performed the C-section, but it 00:09:23.779 --> 00:09:30.537 was another doctor from that clinic and I was really scared. First of all 00:09:30.570 --> 00:09:34.125 , the hospital is really. Even though it's a place where people are 00:09:34.158 --> 00:09:37.895 supposed to heal and get better, it's a really cold and sterile 00:09:37.928 --> 00:09:41.576 environment. So what you're seeing visually is counterintuitive to what 00:09:41.609 --> 00:09:44.807 you're supposed to be receiving physically and on the inside. So it's kind 00:09:44.840 --> 00:09:48.726 of hard to process visually like that. I am receiving healing when you 00:09:48.759 --> 00:09:53.326 feel like you're basically in a cell, you know, and without any like 00:09:53.359 --> 00:10:00.366 natural light or um Any like color or it's everything is kind of white or 00:10:00.399 --> 00:10:04.395 shades of gray and blue, whatever the hospital's colors are. Um, and then 00:10:04.428 --> 00:10:09.037 also people are so used to this process who are working with you. They're 00:10:09.070 --> 00:10:13.125 the nurses and doctors are specifically assigned to the maternity ward. So 00:10:13.158 --> 00:10:17.206 you kind of feel like just a number that's going through the system as 00:10:17.239 --> 00:10:21.326 opposed to a person that they're taking care of and they don't really 00:10:21.359 --> 00:10:25.907 explain things that well, especially for a first time mom. Um, I would 00:10:25.940 --> 00:10:29.076 appreciate it a little bit better bedside manner, you know, as opposed to 00:10:29.109 --> 00:10:31.787 people just coming in, you know, like, oh, we're going to do your drip. 00:10:31.820 --> 00:10:35.356 Here's your IV, you're going to put in your catheter, you know, a little 00:10:35.389 --> 00:10:39.956 bit more of a conversational or personal level of care would have been 00:10:39.989 --> 00:10:46.547 better. Um, so I was already nervous from that and then I had when I asked 00:10:46.580 --> 00:10:49.717 for the um. 00:10:49.750 --> 00:10:54.336 Ashley, is that are you gonna be able to add that out, do you think? Um, 00:10:54.369 --> 00:10:57.816 can I hold him? Yeah, yeah, that would be, I'm like dying to hold him 00:10:57.849 --> 00:11:01.005 anyway. 00:11:01.038 --> 00:11:04.936 Oh, did you get? 00:11:04.969 --> 00:11:10.717 Mm It's a strain Very caring. 00:11:10.750 --> 00:11:16.505 He's like someone's getting me. These things are always, I like your hair. 00:11:16.538 --> 00:11:24.538 Oh yes you do. Like who are you, lady friend? 00:11:25.408 --> 00:11:32.576 Oops, your arms are stuck in there. He's like, just get me, I'm excited. 00:11:32.609 --> 00:11:35.177 OK. 00:11:35.210 --> 00:11:43.210 Oh yeah. OK, now I know it's hard to get back into it. OK. um, OK, so by 00:11:44.029 --> 00:11:48.395 the time that I had asked for the epidural because my contractions were 00:11:48.428 --> 00:11:54.316 crazy, oh, on a side note, um, you could on the the monitor was, there was 00:11:54.349 --> 00:11:58.875 a monitor next to my bed that was showing me the level of pain that I 00:11:58.908 --> 00:12:02.476 should be receiving from my contractions. So it would range from anywhere 00:12:02.509 --> 00:12:06.436 from like 50 to 100 to like 300 I suppose when it's supposed to be the 00:12:06.469 --> 00:12:11.726 most painful. And I had receiving, been experiencing contractions for 00:12:11.759 --> 00:12:16.927 quite a few hours of that 30 hours of labor. Um, and it was into the, in 00:12:16.960 --> 00:12:21.206 the middle of the night when I rolled over and I told my husband that, oh 00:12:21.239 --> 00:12:25.807 my gosh, Jessie, it hurts so bad. I'm like, I don't know what to do. And 00:12:25.840 --> 00:12:28.807 Jessie just looks at me and he's like, I don't know what you want me to do 00:12:28.840 --> 00:12:33.307 , babe, but I'm so tired. I gotta rest. 00:12:33.340 --> 00:12:38.917 I just stared at him. And then the next day, I think he was trying to make 00:12:38.950 --> 00:12:42.826 up for it and so he was like sitting next to me. The monitor was between 00:12:42.859 --> 00:12:47.177 us. I was laying down in the bed in the hospital gown and he, and I'm like 00:12:47.210 --> 00:12:51.316 squeezing his hand as I'm experiencing contractions and I'm like, oh, 00:12:51.349 --> 00:12:54.395 Jessie, and he looks up and I think this is supposed to make me feel 00:12:54.428 --> 00:12:57.515 better, but it had the opposite effect. He looked at the monitor, he goes 00:12:57.548 --> 00:13:01.116 , oh no, babe, that wasn't even a bad one. It was only in the 100s. You 00:13:01.149 --> 00:13:04.196 should be OK. 00:13:04.229 --> 00:13:08.515 So Um, 00:13:08.548 --> 00:13:13.236 so anyways, by the time I had asked for my epidural, the nurse came in and 00:13:13.269 --> 00:13:20.686 um and she. was she told me, uh. You know, she explained what I would be 00:13:20.719 --> 00:13:23.866 receiving and I was kind of going back and forth because I didn't want my 00:13:23.899 --> 00:13:27.686 baby to be all hopped up on drugs when I had him and I wanted to do it 00:13:27.719 --> 00:13:31.657 naturally. This was before I knew that I had to have a C-section and she 00:13:31.690 --> 00:13:34.486 just kind of looked at me because I think she was tired of me talking it 00:13:34.519 --> 00:13:37.726 through and kind of being, you know, not knowing what I wanted. And she's 00:13:37.759 --> 00:13:40.446 like, well, you don't have to take it if you don't want to. I'm like, but 00:13:40.479 --> 00:13:43.086 I want to take it. She was like, well, just let me know when you made a 00:13:43.119 --> 00:13:48.765 decision. So the so I'm like, so I say I shared all that to let you know 00:13:48.798 --> 00:13:54.086 that by the time I had was time for my C-section, I had like had, I was 00:13:54.119 --> 00:14:00.116 stress level 10 with everything that had been going on. But the doctor 00:14:00.149 --> 00:14:04.505 came and from the point that my C-section was scheduled, everything just 00:14:04.538 --> 00:14:10.645 flowed so quickly and everything just happened and um I think it was about 00:14:10.678 --> 00:14:15.547 45 minutes tops from the time that they had scheduled my C-section to the 00:14:15.580 --> 00:14:20.427 time the baby was due. So what had happened was the doctor came and I and 00:14:20.460 --> 00:14:27.866 got me and the first stop was to receive my anesthesia. Um, so they I, my 00:14:27.899 --> 00:14:34.436 doctor came in and what she had me do was hold her. And lean on her and 00:14:34.469 --> 00:14:40.307 the um anesthesiologist went into my lower back. They um cleaned the area 00:14:40.340 --> 00:14:45.076 and then they put in the drip somewhere near my spinal cord. It was a 00:14:45.109 --> 00:14:49.186 spinal tap I think was what they called it. And then so as I lost feeling 00:14:49.219 --> 00:14:53.385 in my body, I could just rest on my doctor and then she laid me down and 00:14:53.418 --> 00:15:00.336 this table was like um probably Like, what I imagine the crucifix look 00:15:00.369 --> 00:15:03.255 like because that's all that they offer you, that's all of the space that 00:15:03.288 --> 00:15:07.336 they provide is a long beam down the center with two beams going down the 00:15:07.369 --> 00:15:10.856 side that your arms are supposed to be laid out on. And then they put a 00:15:10.889 --> 00:15:15.005 sheet, so then when they lay me down, they put a sheet between me and the 00:15:15.038 --> 00:15:19.726 doctor team. So that I couldn't see. But my doctor did note that there was 00:15:19.759 --> 00:15:24.807 a mirror behind me in case I wanted to watch. I open my stomach, pull out 00:15:24.840 --> 00:15:31.746 my guts, and then also rip out the baby. No, thank you. So I remember I 00:15:31.779 --> 00:15:34.866 started getting a little bit loopy because I think they also provided me 00:15:34.899 --> 00:15:38.385 with a bit of a morphine cause I was kind of anxious and stressed out at 00:15:38.418 --> 00:15:45.186 the time. Um, but I do remember as I was calming down in my mind, uh, this 00:15:45.219 --> 00:15:49.746 kind of made me laugh. So the team of doctors is quickly going to work. 00:15:49.779 --> 00:15:52.706 Everyone's cleaning me, getting everything set up, making sure that the 00:15:52.739 --> 00:15:56.866 drip is working, and one of the doctors puts on music. And meanwhile, as I 00:15:56.899 --> 00:16:00.895 say, these doctors do this all the time. So they aren't even aware of me 00:16:00.928 --> 00:16:04.736 really, you know, I'm just part of their project. And so they're just 00:16:04.769 --> 00:16:07.976 talking about their weekend plans and their lives and what they had for 00:16:08.009 --> 00:16:13.537 lunch. And so, and the music's playing and I think it's journey and it's 00:16:13.570 --> 00:16:18.746 like, or no, Holland Oates, rich girl. And one of the doctors like stops 00:16:18.779 --> 00:16:23.625 in the middle of his conversation and he's like, who put this on and uh. 00:16:23.658 --> 00:16:26.446 And the black doctor goes, I did, and he looks at him, he's like, you did 00:16:26.479 --> 00:16:29.446 ? And he's like, what? Just cause I'm black, I should put on Jay-Z or 00:16:29.479 --> 00:16:31.917 something. 00:16:31.950 --> 00:16:39.950 It just made me laugh. So anyways, uh. I, the doctor tells me that she's 00:16:40.149 --> 00:16:45.076 ready to go. The room is freezing cold. There's nothing in it except for 00:16:45.109 --> 00:16:48.436 all of the machines, the equipment. You can hear the beep, the music 00:16:48.469 --> 00:16:52.076 playing, the anesthesiologist behind me. Jesse has now entered the room. 00:16:52.109 --> 00:16:55.436 He's sitting next to me to my left holding my hand, but he has a clear 00:16:55.469 --> 00:16:59.755 line of sight to the operation that's about to happen, and everyone tells 00:16:59.788 --> 00:17:05.627 me that we're ready to go. And so, um. I'm kind of delayed because of all 00:17:05.660 --> 00:17:09.266 the drugs that I'm on at this point. And so I, I, I, I speak up. I'm like 00:17:09.299 --> 00:17:12.426 , oh wait, Jessie, has it started? Have they started yet? And he's like, 00:17:12.459 --> 00:17:16.627 Oh yeah, it started. Apparently they're already like 5 cuts in at that 00:17:16.660 --> 00:17:22.315 point, but I couldn't feel anything. Um, and then I was so anxious just 00:17:22.348 --> 00:17:27.785 knowing what was going on. Um, I couldn't, and it just smelled like 00:17:27.818 --> 00:17:32.147 medicine in the whole room and it was freezing the whole entire time and, 00:17:32.180 --> 00:17:36.426 uh, and which I could just feel kind of on my face but not the rest of my 00:17:36.459 --> 00:17:41.285 body obviously. And then They're cutting. Jesse's looking, he's squeezing 00:17:41.318 --> 00:17:44.585 my hand every once in a while. I think as stuff happens, but I'm not 00:17:44.618 --> 00:17:48.647 really processing it to the level that I should. And then all of a sudden 00:17:48.680 --> 00:17:53.607 I hear a little, I, I, I hear Jessie go, oh my gosh, I see him. I see him. 00:17:53.640 --> 00:17:58.085 And then I hear this like little like cry and and and it and it's smiles 00:17:58.118 --> 00:18:02.006 and he's, and they've pulled him out and then I can, I look over to the 00:18:02.039 --> 00:18:06.565 left of me quickly as I, I, they just um as they're taking him over to get 00:18:06.598 --> 00:18:10.647 cleaned off and Measured and weighed and then they tell Jesse that he can 00:18:10.680 --> 00:18:15.545 come over and before and like I don't know how much time has passed or. 00:18:15.578 --> 00:18:18.686 There's a lot going on. The doctors telling me that the baby is healthy 00:18:18.719 --> 00:18:21.805 and that everything is fine and there's a lot of scuffle going on in the 00:18:21.838 --> 00:18:26.506 room, um. As they're like, I think putting me back together, making sure 00:18:26.539 --> 00:18:31.065 that the baby is OK, coordinating the effort to reduce now my level of 00:18:31.098 --> 00:18:35.976 anesthesia anesthesia. And so Jessie comes over and shows me the baby 00:18:36.009 --> 00:18:39.706 really quickly before they leave and uh and I spend the rest of my time 00:18:39.739 --> 00:18:47.739 getting stitched up and then moved back into the room. Um, and. I go into 00:18:47.930 --> 00:18:51.156 kind of like this waiting area. 00:18:51.189 --> 00:18:56.887 Um, where. I think it's where all mothers receive their children or like 00:18:56.920 --> 00:19:01.196 reunited with their children or are waiting for a room to open up for them 00:19:01.229 --> 00:19:06.035 to spend the rest of their time in the hospital. And 00:19:06.068 --> 00:19:12.946 I am. So tired and the first thing that they get me to do is try to 00:19:12.979 --> 00:19:17.946 breastfeed, but I'm falling asleep at this point. And so Jessie has the 00:19:17.979 --> 00:19:21.226 baby and the nurse comes next to me and she asked me, do you want to try 00:19:21.259 --> 00:19:24.585 to breastfeed? And so I'm like, OK, cause that's what I'm supposed to do. 00:19:24.618 --> 00:19:29.585 And so, um, I'm barely able to move my arms and so Jessie kind of puts 00:19:29.618 --> 00:19:33.867 the baby in uh in my arms. The nurse comes over and guides the baby to my 00:19:33.900 --> 00:19:38.815 breast and And I don't at that point like really know what's going on, but 00:19:38.848 --> 00:19:41.897 I remember one of the last things I said, Jessie was like, don't drop that 00:19:41.930 --> 00:19:44.565 baby. I'm like, I'm not. And he's Jessie's like, do you want me to hold 00:19:44.598 --> 00:19:48.016 the baby? I'm like, I think so. I'm like, you're so much better at this 00:19:48.049 --> 00:19:51.377 than I am and I just fall asleep. 00:19:51.410 --> 00:19:55.726 And I think I just stayed there for a while while Jessie's mom and my mom 00:19:55.759 --> 00:20:00.406 come to the hospital to greet us, um, and then I get moved into my room, 00:20:00.439 --> 00:20:07.196 um. And Where I spend the rest of the time in the hospital, the hardest, 00:20:07.229 --> 00:20:12.976 and then from then on that point on. The hardest point for me, the hardest 00:20:13.009 --> 00:20:17.217 part of the hospital stay for me was trying to breastfeed. And there's so 00:20:17.250 --> 00:20:24.016 much pressure around breastfeeding and there's not a lot of information or 00:20:24.049 --> 00:20:28.137 coaching from, I guess a patient perspective. It's just, oh, you've got to 00:20:28.170 --> 00:20:32.055 do this and like let's just get it done and so your main focus is just to 00:20:32.088 --> 00:20:38.647 make it work because your baby will not be smart, healthy, or alive and 00:20:38.680 --> 00:20:43.795 thriving if you're not breastfeeding. um. But they didn't tell me that for 00:20:43.828 --> 00:20:47.276 the first few days, I was only going to be producing colostrum, which is 00:20:47.309 --> 00:20:50.795 the clear liquid and that it wasn't going to be the creamy white milk that 00:20:50.828 --> 00:20:55.516 you're used to seeing. So I'm thinking that something's wrong and uh 00:20:55.549 --> 00:20:58.551 although the lactation consultant had come and see me, I think. She's just 00:20:58.584 --> 00:21:01.762 supposed to be, she's supposed to see all these moms within a certain 00:21:01.795 --> 00:21:04.801 amount of time. And so she spends a little bit of time with me, gives me 00:21:04.834 --> 00:21:07.801 some tips and leaves, but there's not really like one on one support, 00:21:07.834 --> 00:21:12.561 which they said that I could receive after I left the hospital. Um, but my 00:21:12.594 --> 00:21:16.815 mom came and she told me. To go ahead and just feed the baby formula, but 00:21:16.848 --> 00:21:19.706 I told her I'm like, I'm not supposed to. I have to breastfeed the baby 00:21:19.739 --> 00:21:25.446 and she's like, we're arguing cause she's like, he's so hungry. 00:21:25.479 --> 00:21:31.006 And then, uh, which leads into the other part about having. 00:21:31.039 --> 00:21:34.585 Coming from a different cultural background. So whenever my mom would come 00:21:34.618 --> 00:21:38.835 to the hospital in Korea, they put something heavy on the baby's chest in 00:21:38.868 --> 00:21:42.835 order to help him sleep so that they don't fidget and move around. Well, 00:21:42.868 --> 00:21:45.357 in the United States, you're not supposed to have anything around the baby. 00:21:45.390 --> 00:21:49.676 No blankets, no dolls or anything. So my mom, when she would come visit 00:21:49.709 --> 00:21:53.117 me in the evening and the baby was laying down miles of sleeping, she 00:21:53.150 --> 00:21:57.236 would put some pillows on him, on his chest, and then in the morning when 00:21:57.269 --> 00:22:00.357 the pediatrician came or when the nurse would come, they, they would look 00:22:00.390 --> 00:22:04.597 at the baby and be like, oh no, you can't have this and take it off. But 00:22:04.630 --> 00:22:09.815 that night my mom would come and keep doing the same thing, so I. Because 00:22:09.848 --> 00:22:14.575 you know, from um being an Asian-American, it's kind of half and half. I 00:22:14.608 --> 00:22:20.256 take the doctor's orders when it comes to um a lot of things. But then 00:22:20.289 --> 00:22:23.726 there are just some things that I trust my mom with based upon her 00:22:23.759 --> 00:22:28.176 experience raising children and what's worked for generations of women in 00:22:28.209 --> 00:22:34.686 the past. So I kind of have a healthy balance of, you know, I think 00:22:34.719 --> 00:22:41.186 parenting methods or styles based upon that perspective. But It wasn't too 00:22:41.219 --> 00:22:48.305 long before I was home. And Miles was wonderful right from the beginning. 00:22:48.338 --> 00:22:51.946 I remember when he put when they first put him on my chest so that we 00:22:51.979 --> 00:22:56.406 could bond, he lifted his head immediately. And I knew that he was going 00:22:56.439 --> 00:23:01.367 to be a strong baby, and he has always been a strong baby, a really good 00:23:01.400 --> 00:23:07.166 baby. He slept through the night really early on. Um, he never fussed or 00:23:07.199 --> 00:23:11.045 he didn't cry through the night. He only cried if he needed something or 00:23:11.078 --> 00:23:18.156 was bored or tired, um. And then 00:23:18.189 --> 00:23:24.176 He was born in September, so it was warm in that warm around that time, 00:23:24.209 --> 00:23:28.137 but my mom wanted him to be covered head to toe, which is one thing that I 00:23:28.170 --> 00:23:33.045 told her was ridiculous because we live in Arizona. Um, also, in Korea, 00:23:33.078 --> 00:23:37.335 when you have a baby, they give you seaweed soup to help with your milk 00:23:37.368 --> 00:23:42.246 production and you have to eat it every day. And so women just coming over 00:23:42.279 --> 00:23:46.367 with seaweed soup for weeks and weeks and finally I just started freezing 00:23:46.400 --> 00:23:48.967 it because I wasn't eating it and then finally I was honest and told my 00:23:49.000 --> 00:23:57.000 mom to stop because I was tired of eating seaweed soup, uh, um, and then. 00:23:57.209 --> 00:24:00.877 And it was also hot outside, so no one wants to eat hot soup while it's 00:24:00.910 --> 00:24:06.075 hot outside. And then so my mom also started bringing me kale chips. 00:24:06.108 --> 00:24:10.996 Because she was really concerned about the baby, um, getting enough milk, 00:24:11.029 --> 00:24:15.397 especially after the whole experience at the hospital. 00:24:15.430 --> 00:24:20.887 Yes, so I did stick with breastfeeding with Miles and I breastfed him for 00:24:20.920 --> 00:24:25.117 about 4 months until I started working again, going back to work full time 00:24:25.150 --> 00:24:32.656 and I tried pumping, but um. I'm a communications manager for our, for a 00:24:32.689 --> 00:24:36.416 health insurance company and the culture there is to have a lot of 00:24:36.449 --> 00:24:41.176 meetings. The meetings pop up at any time. So it really didn't work for as 00:24:41.209 --> 00:24:46.305 far as scheduling the breastfeeding sessions with my role or within our 00:24:46.338 --> 00:24:51.186 company just because I couldn't be consistent with it. So from there, I, I 00:24:51.219 --> 00:24:56.887 think I tried prompting for about two weeks and then I just went to um 00:24:56.920 --> 00:25:02.686 Feeding him at morning and night until my milk started to slowly go down 00:25:02.719 --> 00:25:08.127 and then I just stopped cold turkey, which was extremely painful. 00:25:08.160 --> 00:25:11.597 Because the milk gets backed up and it's, I don't know, it just really 00:25:11.630 --> 00:25:15.085 hurt. Thankfully I never got mastisis or anything or any infections from 00:25:15.118 --> 00:25:21.256 it. Um, but It's interesting though, with Miles, I didn't really, I didn't 00:25:21.289 --> 00:25:25.377 breastfeed him for very long, but, or I breastfeed him for about 3 months. 00:25:25.410 --> 00:25:33.410 With Davis, he, which is my second child, um. And he's about 23 years 00:25:34.608 --> 00:25:41.097 younger than Miles, and he was a really hard child to breastfeed. He was 00:25:41.130 --> 00:25:47.256 always hungry and I had a bit of baby blues with Davis. Um, my incision 00:25:47.289 --> 00:25:51.897 didn't heal that well. Jessie and I were fighting a lot. Miles had a cold 00:25:51.930 --> 00:25:56.637 that he infected the whole family with when I got home. And I was just 00:25:56.670 --> 00:26:03.097 exhausted, uh, from, and I remember even in the hospital. 00:26:03.130 --> 00:26:07.127 The other moms would ask if there was something wrong with my baby or if 00:26:07.160 --> 00:26:12.367 he was getting circumcised because he cried so loudly and so much. And uh 00:26:12.400 --> 00:26:16.446 it was just because he was so hungry and then finally and oh and in the 00:26:16.479 --> 00:26:21.325 hospital at this time, none of the nurses. were encouraging me to give 00:26:21.358 --> 00:26:25.756 them any type of formula or supplement at all until one night there was 00:26:25.789 --> 00:26:28.526 this Asian nurse who came in. She was like, do you want a little bit of 00:26:28.559 --> 00:26:31.446 formula? And I was like, yes. And she's like, it's OK. I supplemented with 00:26:31.479 --> 00:26:36.706 my children. And so she brought me some. And uh I remember the day nurse 00:26:36.739 --> 00:26:40.305 came in and she was like, oh, so you decided to give him formula? And I 00:26:40.338 --> 00:26:44.436 told her I was like, I was like, well, he was really hungry. I'm like, but 00:26:44.469 --> 00:26:50.696 we're, but they, what they did was they put uh A certain type of 00:26:50.729 --> 00:26:54.815 contraction on contraption on the formula that they gave, which is all 00:26:54.848 --> 00:26:59.335 individually bottled and it's only good for a few hours anyways. But they 00:26:59.368 --> 00:27:03.496 put these tubes, they connected these tubes to the formula bottle so that 00:27:03.529 --> 00:27:07.656 I could tape the tube to my nipple, so that I could squeeze the tube for 00:27:07.689 --> 00:27:12.137 the baby to eat out of, but then as he's eating, he's sucking on my boob 00:27:12.170 --> 00:27:17.035 and my nipple so that it stimulates milk production. But I had to like 00:27:17.068 --> 00:27:19.956 clean that out every time I used it. It was a lot of like it when it 00:27:19.989 --> 00:27:23.996 seemed cool and I thought it was working, but it was also and it was 00:27:24.029 --> 00:27:30.535 working. But it was also a lot of work. Um, cause you have to clean out 00:27:30.568 --> 00:27:33.897 the tube after every use and like when you're going in a hospital bed 00:27:33.930 --> 00:27:38.456 recovering from a C-section, it's just a lot of work on my end and also 00:27:38.489 --> 00:27:41.335 trying to get someone, making sure to time it correctly so someone's there 00:27:41.368 --> 00:27:48.295 to help me. Um, but what is the recovery like on a C-section? About 8 00:27:48.328 --> 00:27:53.936 weeks is what they offer you, so. Yes. So what they do is your stapled 00:27:53.969 --> 00:27:57.295 clothes. After they stitch you up, they staple your clothes and then they 00:27:57.328 --> 00:28:01.496 put this sticky bandage over you. And before you leave the hospital, you 00:28:01.529 --> 00:28:05.936 have to be able to pass gas, walk on your own, and then your wound has to 00:28:05.969 --> 00:28:09.627 be closed for the most part. So they open it up and then they remove the 00:28:09.660 --> 00:28:13.416 stitches or the staples, they just cut them, cut the staples and pull them 00:28:13.449 --> 00:28:19.186 out. Um. And then they put clear tape over you to help keep it tight, you 00:28:19.219 --> 00:28:23.776 know, um, while you're fully recovering and healing. You're not supposed 00:28:23.809 --> 00:28:28.186 to drive or hold anything heavier than your newborn baby. Um, they really 00:28:28.219 --> 00:28:33.226 want you to relax as much as possible and just kind of like stay still to 00:28:33.259 --> 00:28:37.107 let the wound heal. Um, and you definite one of the things that they 00:28:37.140 --> 00:28:41.825 stress is don't sweep because I think that motion. And the movement uh 00:28:41.858 --> 00:28:45.627 works that part of your abs and especially that back and forth pulling 00:28:45.660 --> 00:28:53.660 from sweeping. Uh, And they also give you Percocet and stool softeners and 00:28:54.858 --> 00:28:58.867 then um obviously you're still taking prenatal vitamins, which I found 00:28:58.900 --> 00:29:01.186 interesting that they gave you Percocet considering that in your 00:29:01.219 --> 00:29:03.825 breastfeeding, considering that while you're pregnant, they only want you 00:29:03.858 --> 00:29:09.825 to have Tylenol. So I tried to not take the, the all the oh and they give 00:29:09.858 --> 00:29:14.045 you also ibuprofen at the time. Which is also funny because they tell you 00:29:14.078 --> 00:29:17.996 discourage you from drinking for so long, you know, and having coffee, but 00:29:18.029 --> 00:29:21.956 they're giving you these heavy duty drugs while you're breastfeeding. So, 00:29:21.989 --> 00:29:26.117 but my doctor actually told me that if you can drink and still drive, 00:29:26.150 --> 00:29:30.367 you're OK to breastfeed. 00:29:30.400 --> 00:29:34.607 Because she said that there's a natural filtration system that happens in 00:29:34.640 --> 00:29:39.016 your, in your breasts when you're breastfeeding. So that um if you're 00:29:39.049 --> 00:29:42.325 having a couple glasses of wine and you're still coherent enough to drive 00:29:42.358 --> 00:29:45.285 , then chances are there isn't enough in your system that it'll affect 00:29:45.318 --> 00:29:48.436 your breast milk. But I thought that was funny cause every other provider 00:29:48.469 --> 00:29:53.367 I speak to is very against, you know, they're very um strong on their 00:29:53.400 --> 00:30:00.926 medical morals. So when I had gotten home, uh. With Davis, everything was 00:30:00.959 --> 00:30:04.397 different. With Miles, everything was so great and probably because the 00:30:04.430 --> 00:30:09.387 novelty of it being the first time and having all these new experiences. 00:30:09.420 --> 00:30:14.226 It was just more exciting than anything else. Uh with Davis, he was also 00:30:14.259 --> 00:30:22.107 unplanned. I also cried and then I and then I was excited about him, um, 00:30:22.140 --> 00:30:27.637 more towards the end of the pregnancy when he was about to come. Uh, I had 00:30:27.670 --> 00:30:31.795 the coming home and recovering was hard because I had the baby blues at 00:30:31.828 --> 00:30:37.196 the time. And also the incision from the C-section didn't heal that well. 00:30:37.229 --> 00:30:41.795 It was a little bit open in one side because I guess the scar tissue was 00:30:41.828 --> 00:30:49.436 pushing out from the inside out. And so I was in pain. I was tired. I was 00:30:49.469 --> 00:30:57.469 mildly depressed and I wasn't able to breastfeed. Um, so I, and also I was 00:30:59.549 --> 00:31:03.956 living in Mesa, Arizona at the time. It was January, so it was cold, um, 00:31:03.989 --> 00:31:09.075 and it was dark a lot and I was cooped up in this really small room. And 00:31:09.108 --> 00:31:12.446 first of all, I'm not a huge fan of Mesa Arizona to begin with, but it's 00:31:12.479 --> 00:31:16.706 what we could afford at the time. Or it's what we can't afford right now 00:31:16.739 --> 00:31:20.627 while my husband's going to school full time. Um, and this house was built 00:31:20.660 --> 00:31:23.107 in like the 1920s 00:31:23.140 --> 00:31:27.147 something. It's a really old home and the rooms are all really small and 00:31:27.180 --> 00:31:31.156 we have a California king-size bed. So I'm sitting in this room where all 00:31:31.189 --> 00:31:35.847 we can fit for furniture is our bed and our end tables with really closed 00:31:35.880 --> 00:31:40.117 walls around us and everything is kind of old and I feel like maybe has 00:31:40.150 --> 00:31:43.035 like a little bit of a smell to it inside the home cause there's a 00:31:43.068 --> 00:31:47.276 basement area that gets flooded sometimes and that, you know, it opens up 00:31:47.309 --> 00:31:51.956 into the rest of the house. Um, and so I'm like, and like the sheets are 00:31:51.989 --> 00:31:57.357 all old like older and stained from our first child and and like kind of 00:31:57.390 --> 00:32:01.315 like not fitting that well from us putting it in the dryer too many times. 00:32:01.348 --> 00:32:04.436 And then the blankets are hand me downs from his grandma, so they're a 00:32:04.469 --> 00:32:08.835 little bit worn out. Everything is like a shade of blue. And it's dark 00:32:08.868 --> 00:32:11.887 outside, the walls are white, a little bit dingy from the yellow lighting 00:32:11.920 --> 00:32:19.335 , and I'm just laying in bed with this child 24 hours a day. And just my 00:32:19.368 --> 00:32:26.085 focus is just trying to get him to eat and be happy and so. I wasn't as 00:32:26.118 --> 00:32:30.006 successful breastfeeding Davis. I finally broke down and told Jessie that 00:32:30.039 --> 00:32:33.686 I just can't do it. I have to start supplementing, but because I started 00:32:33.719 --> 00:32:40.406 supplementing, um, The uh I couldn't uh. Because I started supplementing, 00:32:40.439 --> 00:32:43.847 my milk production went down and so I stopped feeding him sooner than I 00:32:43.880 --> 00:32:47.887 would have liked to. And it also made me feel kind of guilty because I 00:32:47.920 --> 00:32:54.627 wasn't breastfeeding him throughout his early development days. Um, but 00:32:54.660 --> 00:32:58.666 He's a very healthy boy now. We made it through. Everyone's still alive in 00:32:58.699 --> 00:33:05.545 one piece. And uh Davis was so wonderful that we decided to have a third 00:33:05.578 --> 00:33:10.686 child unexpectedly. 00:33:10.719 --> 00:33:15.805 So when I was about 4 months out, I think Davis was like 4 to 6 months, I 00:33:15.838 --> 00:33:21.726 found out that I was pregnant with Connor. And that was the biggest shock 00:33:21.759 --> 00:33:27.285 I had ever received. I had, I had gotten on um some special birth control 00:33:27.318 --> 00:33:30.285 for mothers who are breastfeeding, but it had made me nauseous. My system 00:33:30.318 --> 00:33:34.916 wasn't responding to it very well. And so I stopped taking it, but then I 00:33:34.949 --> 00:33:40.397 , but I thought, surely I would not get pregnant so quickly after I had a 00:33:40.430 --> 00:33:44.516 baby and certainly not a third time. So we found out that I was pregnant 00:33:44.549 --> 00:33:51.246 with Connor because, you know, biology does work and uh 00:33:51.279 --> 00:33:54.575 This time I had my tubes tied. 00:33:54.608 --> 00:33:59.107 But I went to a different hospital this time and the experience was so 00:33:59.140 --> 00:34:03.666 much better than with my first and certainly with my second child. The 00:34:03.699 --> 00:34:07.666 staff was much more friendly. They took the time to explain everything 00:34:07.699 --> 00:34:12.646 that was going to happen. Everyone was just polite and friendly at this 00:34:12.679 --> 00:34:19.206 place, um, and. They did not give me morphine or anything this time when I 00:34:19.239 --> 00:34:23.486 went in to have the C-section, which I think made a huge difference. I, 00:34:23.519 --> 00:34:26.526 you know, there's a domino effect when it goes to the recovery from your 00:34:26.559 --> 00:34:30.345 labor and delivery that it all starts with that first, you know, delivery 00:34:30.378 --> 00:34:34.727 experience and everything just kind of adds to it. So because I wasn't on 00:34:34.760 --> 00:34:39.399 morphine, I wasn't as Tired and I was clear headed when I first received 00:34:39.432 --> 00:34:44.289 Connor. And so I was able to bond with him more quickly. I didn't follow a 00:34:44.322 --> 00:34:48.130 slave and spend more time holding him and also just right from the start 00:34:48.163 --> 00:34:51.919 to try to start feeding him. The lactation consultant this time came in 00:34:51.952 --> 00:34:55.130 and she explained, you know, first you're gonna have the Colostrum, that's 00:34:55.163 --> 00:34:58.842 OK. That should be enough. Just let him. Nurse as much as possible. Um, 00:34:58.875 --> 00:35:02.052 the room was much brighter wherever we were at. I think we're also on a 00:35:02.085 --> 00:35:05.932 different side of the of this hospital where the sun came in through the 00:35:05.965 --> 00:35:10.831 window. The room was a lot bigger. And although I am Christian, the other 00:35:10.864 --> 00:35:14.412 hospital that we were at, um, they put me in a room with a crucifix on the 00:35:14.445 --> 00:35:22.445 wall, which was maybe supposed to be. Uh, what is it, um? 00:35:23.458 --> 00:35:29.115 Comforting, but it wasn't. I don't think the I don't, I personally just 00:35:29.148 --> 00:35:34.836 don't find like, you know, Jesus on the cross to be comforting. So this 00:35:34.869 --> 00:35:39.956 this room was just like open and uh it was clean, but it didn't feel 00:35:39.989 --> 00:35:44.195 extremely sterile and plus the nurses coming in and out were just really 00:35:44.228 --> 00:35:49.405 friendly and nice and I think that just had a different energy and it just 00:35:49.438 --> 00:35:53.756 made the whole experience better and I was seeing things from a different 00:35:53.789 --> 00:35:59.026 like, like, you know, perspective and so 00:35:59.059 --> 00:36:04.416 Um, and also by this time, Jesse's further on in his studies and has a 00:36:04.449 --> 00:36:08.686 more clear focus of what he wants to do. He's quit drinking and smoking 00:36:08.719 --> 00:36:14.037 and so, uh, things are definitely better, you know, I feel like we're on 00:36:14.070 --> 00:36:20.876 the same track now and he's taken his A career more seriously and um and 00:36:20.909 --> 00:36:25.756 so everything in our personal lives is much more stable. Work is going 00:36:25.789 --> 00:36:32.037 well for me. I received a promotion and and also a raise and a bonus that 00:36:32.070 --> 00:36:36.206 I Wasn't expecting. And so things at home are going much better. So 00:36:36.239 --> 00:36:39.686 everything with Connor is going much better. And although he was a child 00:36:39.719 --> 00:36:43.807 that I was probably the most, and I feel awful for say the most sad about 00:36:43.840 --> 00:36:48.445 finding out that I was pregnant with, he ended up being the best one 00:36:48.478 --> 00:36:53.546 overall like from the beginning to even now at this point. He's such a 00:36:53.579 --> 00:36:58.967 good baby. He's so sweet and calm. And although we went back home to that 00:36:59.000 --> 00:37:03.925 home. In Mesa with the small room and the bed that's too high for me to 00:37:03.958 --> 00:37:09.997 get on and like no furniture and it's like a closed-in like cell because I 00:37:10.030 --> 00:37:16.206 just felt more at peace with the whole situation. I wasn't as impacted by 00:37:16.239 --> 00:37:21.626 my Surroundings, my physical surroundings, uh, my attitude had changed and 00:37:21.659 --> 00:37:27.655 so my whole like. Perspective on the situation changed. And it was, it's 00:37:27.688 --> 00:37:32.497 just been a great experience with Connor ever since. He's he's such a 00:37:32.530 --> 00:37:37.936 wonderful addition to the family, um, and now where Davis is at as a one 00:37:37.969 --> 00:37:44.566 year old, he is So cute and so sweet and I love him so much that I just 00:37:44.599 --> 00:37:48.247 can't imagine life without any of these three boys and I truly do feel 00:37:48.280 --> 00:37:52.967 like that they are a blessing to have and you know we made the decision 00:37:53.000 --> 00:37:57.365 that we're not going to have any others. I think part of it is because I 00:37:57.398 --> 00:38:01.405 really wanted a girl and this is something that I've come to conclude on 00:38:01.438 --> 00:38:05.115 my own is that. 00:38:05.148 --> 00:38:08.345 Um, you know. 00:38:08.378 --> 00:38:11.747 We don't 00:38:11.780 --> 00:38:15.916 I really wanted to have a girl and with Connor, the reason why I decided 00:38:15.949 --> 00:38:21.327 to have a C or to circumcision after so I didn't want to, the reason why I 00:38:21.360 --> 00:38:25.845 decided to get my tubes tied after having Connor is because I felt like 00:38:25.878 --> 00:38:31.166 our family was complete and I really wanted to be responsible financially 00:38:31.199 --> 00:38:34.006 with what we could provide for these children. Although we could provide 00:38:34.039 --> 00:38:37.606 an endless amount of love for a lot of children, I want them all to be 00:38:37.639 --> 00:38:41.300 able to have the best. Experiences that they can have in life. And if 00:38:41.333 --> 00:38:44.771 someone gets accepted to an Ivy League school, I don't want it to be an 00:38:44.804 --> 00:38:47.961 issue. If they all three get accepted to an Ivy League school, I don't 00:38:47.994 --> 00:38:51.662 want it to be an issue or concern of finances why they don't pursue that 00:38:51.695 --> 00:38:55.581 or even now as they're trying to figure out who they are and what their 00:38:55.614 --> 00:38:58.842 gifts and abilities and talents are, I wanted to be able to financially 00:38:58.875 --> 00:39:01.820 provide for them to explore those different interests, you know, I don't 00:39:01.853 --> 00:39:08.037 want to ever be able to tell them that they don't have choices in life and 00:39:08.070 --> 00:39:12.876 For me, on a more personal note, because Jessie has two daughters from 00:39:12.909 --> 00:39:18.517 previous relationships, I feel at peace with our family because for them 00:39:18.550 --> 00:39:22.517 they'll always be daddy's little girls, and there won't be someone on our 00:39:22.550 --> 00:39:25.477 side, our end of the family that they have to compete with, and they won't 00:39:25.510 --> 00:39:30.077 ever feel like they're outsiders because daddy has a little girl that he 00:39:30.110 --> 00:39:34.316 spends all of his time with and they only see him sometimes, so they feel 00:39:34.349 --> 00:39:38.956 less of a connection with him. So for me, having everyone in our family 00:39:38.989 --> 00:39:43.115 have a place is more important than me having a little girl who looks like 00:39:43.148 --> 00:39:49.717 me that I can dress up, you know, and plus like um the Jessie's daughters 00:39:49.750 --> 00:39:54.195 have been so wonderful. They are so connected to the boys. They love 00:39:54.228 --> 00:39:57.717 having little brothers. The brothers love looking like having the older 00:39:57.750 --> 00:40:02.195 sisters to look up to and play with and it's just our whole family just 00:40:02.228 --> 00:40:06.467 feels like this is Who we are. This is where this is our family. This is 00:40:06.500 --> 00:40:09.865 the starting point of the rest of our lives. And so now we're really 00:40:09.898 --> 00:40:13.385 excited to move on to the next chapter of really trying to develop these 00:40:13.418 --> 00:40:17.546 little human beings and helping them to be responsible, mature, you know, 00:40:17.579 --> 00:40:23.506 uh, God-fearing, uh, young people who just make a positive impact on the 00:40:23.539 --> 00:40:27.787 world, you know, who receive love in the home and then can go out and love 00:40:27.820 --> 00:40:34.936 other people. So. That's really where we're focused on now, and I'm really 00:40:34.969 --> 00:40:39.316 excited. We have everyone in place. They're all so different and so unique 00:40:39.349 --> 00:40:45.095 , but they're the perfect people for us. 00:40:45.128 --> 00:40:49.849 That was awesome. Actually, can you give me one more.