WEBVTT 00:00:00.239 --> 00:00:07.717 This is for Solis. It is June 13th. 00:00:07.750 --> 00:00:15.165 123 12:39, um, and I'm contributing my story to the Creative Push project. 00:00:15.198 --> 00:00:21.416 So it all began in November, sometime late in November. Um, Eric and I 00:00:21.449 --> 00:00:26.657 had been trying to conceive for 6 months, and I didn't think it would ever 00:00:26.690 --> 00:00:29.936 happen, and neither did my mother. Of course, she thought I should have 00:00:29.969 --> 00:00:35.896 fertility testing, um, which ended up being unnecessary. But, so I had 00:00:35.929 --> 00:00:41.375 been using an ovulation kit. We've been very strategic about when we had 00:00:41.408 --> 00:00:47.135 sex, which was not as much fun as it might sound, and Then we had to leave 00:00:47.168 --> 00:00:50.417 town. We were going to Santa Fe because I was having a solo exhibition at 00:00:50.450 --> 00:00:54.576 a gallery out there, and we were about to take a flight the next morning. 00:00:54.609 --> 00:01:00.695 And so the ovulation or the pregnancy test says to test for pregnancy 00:01:00.728 --> 00:01:04.415 with the first urination of the morning. And I happened to get out in the 00:01:04.448 --> 00:01:07.936 middle of the night because, you know, I drink lots of fluids, I guess. 00:01:07.969 --> 00:01:11.617 And it was about 3 a.m. and I got up, I went to the bathroom and I 00:01:11.650 --> 00:01:14.775 overthink everything, so I thought, I should probably take the pregnancy 00:01:14.808 --> 00:01:19.897 test now and I took it and it said I was pregnant and it was exhilarating. 00:01:19.930 --> 00:01:23.936 And so I climbed into bed with my husband and I rolled over and woke him 00:01:23.969 --> 00:01:28.855 up and he wakes up with a startle every time, so it's really funny and um 00:01:28.888 --> 00:01:33.126 I told him I was pregnant. And we both were like, you know, couldn't sleep 00:01:33.159 --> 00:01:35.885 the rest of the night and I was laying next to him smiling, and he was 00:01:35.918 --> 00:01:40.126 laying next to me with this terrified stricken expression on his face, you 00:01:40.159 --> 00:01:43.135 know, like thinking, oh my gosh, this is actually happening. It was quite 00:01:43.168 --> 00:01:46.956 funny. And then, of course, I was concerned about flying and the X-ray 00:01:46.989 --> 00:01:49.326 machines and all the stuff that I hadn't thought about before, but I mean 00:01:49.359 --> 00:01:54.025 , I was barely pregnant, so I, it was fine. Um, so anyhow, we went and did 00:01:54.058 --> 00:01:59.885 that, and then, um, the course of being pregnant began and I pretty much 00:01:59.918 --> 00:02:03.206 knew I was pregnant after the first month. Like I instantly started 00:02:03.239 --> 00:02:07.647 putting on weight and instantly started bloating. I gained 50 pounds over 00:02:07.680 --> 00:02:12.566 the course of the pregnancy and, um, was miserable almost every single 00:02:12.599 --> 00:02:18.245 step of the way. And I gave birth in August, which is the hottest month in 00:02:18.278 --> 00:02:22.995 Arizona, maybe just slightly less hot than July, but really hot. And so 00:02:23.028 --> 00:02:28.517 all through the summer, I was in the pool, you know, with my gigantic 00:02:28.550 --> 00:02:32.717 belly and my huge breasts and huge thighs, like just bobbing on the water 00:02:32.750 --> 00:02:38.666 , trying to feel weightless cause otherwise, I felt like, uh, you know, 00:02:38.699 --> 00:02:44.626 Just like a massive boulder trying to move about. And, um, and so I have 00:02:44.659 --> 00:02:48.305 video of that. It's quite funny seeing this like milky white, you know, 00:02:48.338 --> 00:02:53.547 mushroom lady floating in the water or marshmallow person, I should say. 00:02:53.580 --> 00:02:57.136 Um, and 00:02:57.169 --> 00:03:01.316 I would be, I was painting for a solo series at that time, so I would 00:03:01.349 --> 00:03:05.636 paint for like 15 minutes and I'd lay on the couch for like 20 and eat 00:03:05.669 --> 00:03:08.596 popsicles and watch movies. That's pretty much how the last 3 months of my 00:03:08.629 --> 00:03:13.517 pregnancy went. And then, um, everything seemed to be going OK. The baby 00:03:13.550 --> 00:03:17.475 really wasn't dropping. I had a really high pregnancy. My, um, the belly 00:03:17.508 --> 00:03:20.797 came right out from under my breast. It just seemed like it was choking me 00:03:20.830 --> 00:03:23.717 , you know, it wasn't low at all. It was just felt like it was right in my 00:03:23.750 --> 00:03:31.750 face. And And then, um, let's see, I went. 00:03:34.558 --> 00:03:39.356 I just think. 00:03:39.389 --> 00:03:44.376 I went, OK, I started to notice that when I was brushing my teeth, there 00:03:44.409 --> 00:03:49.055 would be a couple drops of water on the ground, and I wasn't spilling 00:03:49.088 --> 00:03:52.436 water and, um, and there were these, it was about the size of a tablespoon 00:03:52.469 --> 00:03:56.536 , you know, like a little puddle of a tablespoon of water. And it would 00:03:56.569 --> 00:03:59.856 happen quite often. And finally I went, I called the doctor and said, this 00:03:59.889 --> 00:04:03.166 is happening. And she said, well, why don't you go to the hospital and get 00:04:03.199 --> 00:04:08.626 the fluid tested to see if it's amniotic fluid. Um, and so I went and did 00:04:08.659 --> 00:04:13.386 that. I went to the hospital and that was a strange experience, you know, 00:04:13.419 --> 00:04:16.745 walking in the hospital when you're not walking in to have your baby. And 00:04:16.778 --> 00:04:22.947 I walked into the hospital. They, um, you know, took me an intake and, you 00:04:22.980 --> 00:04:26.296 know, I was lying on a bed and all this crying so much waiting. You wait 00:04:26.329 --> 00:04:30.426 and wait and wait, you wait for someone to come and talk to you, or 00:04:30.459 --> 00:04:33.627 someone to take your name and your stats or whatever, and then you wait 00:04:33.660 --> 00:04:38.096 again for a long period of time and then they come back. And she swabbed 00:04:38.129 --> 00:04:41.575 me and then I waited a long time and she came back and said it's not 00:04:41.608 --> 00:04:46.265 amniotic fluid. And um and then I was free to go home and I was so 00:04:46.298 --> 00:04:49.947 confused because I said, she said maybe I was urinating or was, you know, 00:04:49.980 --> 00:04:53.745 peeing myself. And I said, no, I'm sure I'm not peeing myself. Like I was 00:04:53.778 --> 00:04:57.476 so certain that I wasn't and I was certain that this fluid was the 00:04:57.509 --> 00:05:02.467 amniotic fluid, but I mean, it's, you know, um, laboratory tested, so you 00:05:02.500 --> 00:05:07.346 believe the clinicians. And so we went home. And then for the next 2 or 3 00:05:07.379 --> 00:05:10.145 days, it just kept happening, you know, and it was, it wasn't getting that 00:05:10.178 --> 00:05:13.916 much more. It was just very consistent. And then I called my doctor and 00:05:13.949 --> 00:05:18.116 they said go back again and get it tested so I went back again and they 00:05:18.149 --> 00:05:23.995 tested it and it was amniotic fluid and then they said, well, now that we 00:05:24.028 --> 00:05:27.036 know it's amniotic fluid and you've been dripping amniotic fluid for 3 00:05:27.069 --> 00:05:33.596 days, you have to have an emergency um induction so I was, it was, you 00:05:33.629 --> 00:05:40.176 know, very um urgent everything felt very urgent and kind of stressed. 00:05:40.209 --> 00:05:46.257 And, um, I, we gathered some things together and or my husband had to 00:05:46.290 --> 00:05:50.906 gather together because I was in the hospital. And we go into, luckily I 00:05:50.939 --> 00:05:55.757 knew a nurse at the hospital and she really helped to accommodate us. I'm 00:05:55.790 --> 00:05:58.426 going to just 00:05:58.459 --> 00:06:04.187 So my friend helped hook us up with this pretty nice room. It was a large 00:06:04.220 --> 00:06:08.426 room and it was solitary. So my husband was there, and my mother was there 00:06:08.459 --> 00:06:13.656 , which was really great. And the room was dark, but I had all these fetal 00:06:13.689 --> 00:06:18.296 monitors on, so I had a strap across my belly and of course I had the IV 00:06:18.329 --> 00:06:23.895 and the IV took several attempts to get that in I valves or something, so 00:06:23.928 --> 00:06:31.317 the veins kept blowing and that was really dreadful. Um, and so we You 00:06:31.350 --> 00:06:37.317 know, I was, um, they put, they gave me the Pitocin, so then I waited, 00:06:37.350 --> 00:06:40.955 felt like forever until I started feeling contractions. Then finally I 00:06:40.988 --> 00:06:44.637 started feeling contractions. They started rolling in one atop the other, 00:06:44.670 --> 00:06:50.387 with no break, this extreme intensity. And the only position I could cope 00:06:50.420 --> 00:06:54.866 was standing, and the only area I could stand where I could lean against 00:06:54.899 --> 00:06:57.947 something was the table. And right next to it was the fetal monitor, of 00:06:57.980 --> 00:07:01.536 course, cause I was trapped, you know, with the dragging cords and machine 00:07:01.569 --> 00:07:05.276 equipment every time I moved about. So it was the corner of the room near 00:07:05.309 --> 00:07:10.377 the bathroom and I would just hold on to the side table and rock just back 00:07:10.410 --> 00:07:14.305 and forth, back and forth, and try to just cope with this like rolling 00:07:14.338 --> 00:07:18.116 pain. And my husband was behind me and he was just kind of had his hands 00:07:18.149 --> 00:07:22.637 on my hips and he would leave me alone and um he knew pretty much to give 00:07:22.670 --> 00:07:27.476 me my space during that time. But then I got this like great idea to try 00:07:27.509 --> 00:07:30.395 some other things cause this was extremely painful, even though I was able 00:07:30.428 --> 00:07:34.877 to cope with it, to try the um bouncing ball, you know, the nursing ball, 00:07:34.910 --> 00:07:38.426 or not the nursing ball, the. I don't know what they call it laboring ball 00:07:38.459 --> 00:07:43.637 or something, and you um sit on that and kind of rock your hips in a 00:07:43.670 --> 00:07:47.026 circular motion or something, and that's supposed to help with the process 00:07:47.059 --> 00:07:51.236 , but it, it actually caused, it, it was fine for me. It didn't help that 00:07:51.269 --> 00:07:54.986 much, but then all of a sudden the nurses came running in that the baby 00:07:55.019 --> 00:07:59.745 was in distress. So the baby didn't like the change in position, I guess. 00:07:59.778 --> 00:08:03.745 And so immediately they wanted me to lay on the bed. Um, and all this 00:08:03.778 --> 00:08:08.156 happened over a course of hours, but it felt like very um tight in terms 00:08:08.189 --> 00:08:14.197 of timing. So they laid me on the bed and immediately I was like in 00:08:14.230 --> 00:08:18.836 writhing pain, like just really truly writhing, you know, on my side and 00:08:18.869 --> 00:08:24.276 fetal position, just flexing my legs out and in and doing everything that 00:08:24.309 --> 00:08:29.305 they say not to do, um, tensing muscles, you know, contracting my face, 00:08:29.338 --> 00:08:33.875 everything that they have to do. And I was in just agony, like agony, and 00:08:33.908 --> 00:08:38.076 my mother was there and she just could barely stand to see me look like 00:08:38.109 --> 00:08:42.596 this. So then the nurse comes in and she said, I'm gonna go to lunch, you 00:08:42.629 --> 00:08:46.316 know, I'll be back in an hour or whatever she said. And my mother said, 00:08:46.349 --> 00:08:52.275 can you check her dilation before you go? And so the nurse said, Sure, and 00:08:52.308 --> 00:08:55.927 she didn't seem too happy about it, but she did it. And I was only at 4 00:08:55.960 --> 00:09:00.047 centimeters. I mean, it would've been long suffering. So I was at 4 00:09:00.080 --> 00:09:02.807 centimeters and my mother and I looked at each other and she said, can we 00:09:02.840 --> 00:09:08.116 just get a, an epidural. And the woman looked at us like, really? You know 00:09:08.149 --> 00:09:11.476 , because it's not very far along to get an epidural. And we were like, 00:09:11.509 --> 00:09:15.635 yes, let's just do it. So then, uh, she, you know, of course, she had to 00:09:15.668 --> 00:09:19.635 postpone her lunch, which I'm sure was not cool. She got the doctor and 00:09:19.668 --> 00:09:23.076 who came in and did the epidural, and I was, I'm terrified of needles and 00:09:23.109 --> 00:09:26.316 I, in my head, all I can think about is, you know, first of all, you're 00:09:26.349 --> 00:09:28.907 having contractions while you're trying to be completely still and they're 00:09:28.940 --> 00:09:34.717 saying, breathe out, you know, and, uh, you know, try not to move and um. 00:09:34.750 --> 00:09:39.116 And so Uh, my husband was there with me, which was great, and I was 00:09:39.149 --> 00:09:42.316 leaning forward. Oh no, he had to leave the room when, when I was getting 00:09:42.349 --> 00:09:47.836 my epidural. He was leaning forward. The doctor gave me the epidural and 00:09:47.869 --> 00:09:51.106 it did not immediately go, make the pain go away. So you kind of felt pain. 00:09:51.139 --> 00:09:53.797 You're like, when is it going to start working? And then when it works, 00:09:53.830 --> 00:09:58.066 it's like this flood of joy comes over you. I mean, it, I can't even 00:09:58.099 --> 00:10:03.037 describe it. It's just like someone just opens a valve of pressure, you 00:10:03.070 --> 00:10:07.116 know, and It's like, wow, I, I can think about other things than the pain 00:10:07.149 --> 00:10:11.717 , you know, I can think about being hungry or whatever it is, the fact 00:10:11.750 --> 00:10:16.467 that I'm gonna have this baby. And so, um, I was able to lay in the bed 00:10:16.500 --> 00:10:21.366 and relax and my family, my mother and my husband were able to get some 00:10:21.399 --> 00:10:26.755 napping in and I was able to um just think about it, you know, think about 00:10:26.788 --> 00:10:29.596 the fact that I'm gonna have this child and you know all this whole 00:10:29.629 --> 00:10:33.566 process. And then not too long after, it felt like almost immediately, you 00:10:33.599 --> 00:10:38.167 know, I don't know, a couple of hours, let's say, the doctor comes in and 00:10:38.200 --> 00:10:44.167 checks my dilation, and I was at full, full, um, full dilation so that I 00:10:44.200 --> 00:10:49.086 could go ahead and start pushing. And it was almost as though I couldn't 00:10:49.119 --> 00:10:53.566 dilate because I was in so much pain, you know, and it was keeping my 00:10:53.599 --> 00:10:59.826 uterus completely contracted and just not allowing for that relaxation. Um 00:10:59.859 --> 00:11:03.436 , which, which helps allow for that dilation, the whole process to go 00:11:03.469 --> 00:11:07.797 forward. And so I was really relieved that I had gotten the epidural. In 00:11:07.830 --> 00:11:11.076 the long run, I was really happy that I did it because it was a very short 00:11:11.109 --> 00:11:15.275 time between 4 centimeters and full dilation for me to go ahead and start 00:11:15.308 --> 00:11:20.336 pushing and have the baby. So then he's like, we're ready to push. So 00:11:20.369 --> 00:11:25.696 doctor, doctor comes in and Eric is on one leg and he's holding one leg. 00:11:25.729 --> 00:11:28.856 My mother's on the other leg holding other leg, and I have this nurse here 00:11:28.889 --> 00:11:34.275 and she's very sweet, but she has this very Um, therapy voice, you know, 00:11:34.308 --> 00:11:38.755 which is like, we're gonna count 123, 00:11:38.788 --> 00:11:43.677 and I swear it was like I couldn't tolerate the sound of her voice. I just 00:11:43.710 --> 00:11:46.956 , something in that moment, I really just needed someone to be like, 1234 00:11:46.989 --> 00:11:51.356 , you know what I mean? It just helped me through that process. Luckily, 00:11:51.389 --> 00:11:56.677 my doctor was like a coach. I mean, he was right there. He was, had that 00:11:56.710 --> 00:11:59.515 kind of energy about him that it's like, we're gonna get this done, we're 00:11:59.548 --> 00:12:04.596 gonna get this baby out, and it's gonna be healthy. And so, um, so I had, 00:12:04.629 --> 00:12:08.797 at that point, I had the laboring process, I'm not sure again how long it 00:12:08.830 --> 00:12:11.755 took, but I, it felt as though I was pushing and pushing and pushing and I 00:12:11.788 --> 00:12:15.875 , because of the epidural, I knew I was pushing. I could like feel some 00:12:15.908 --> 00:12:19.596 contracting happening or some cramping happening, but I really couldn't 00:12:19.629 --> 00:12:22.917 tell if I was doing it right and I was having, I was flooded with all this 00:12:22.950 --> 00:12:28.375 self-doubt, you know. Is anything happening? Is, is it working? Am I 00:12:28.408 --> 00:12:31.336 pushing hard enough? Am I failing, you know, I, I just couldn't tell. I 00:12:31.369 --> 00:12:34.496 could tell. I had all these three faces. I, I was looking at their faces 00:12:34.529 --> 00:12:38.696 and they were looking at my vagina, which is such a funny thing. And I 00:12:38.729 --> 00:12:42.015 could see in their faces that they weren't satisfied, you know, that it 00:12:42.048 --> 00:12:47.375 was like, is it, is it working? And they said, well, It's just that I can 00:12:47.408 --> 00:12:51.336 , we can tell that the baby's moving forward, but then as soon as you stop 00:12:51.369 --> 00:12:54.816 pushing it, it goes back up, you know, it goes back inside, and it just 00:12:54.849 --> 00:12:59.537 kept happening again and again. It just felt like no progress. So finally 00:12:59.570 --> 00:13:02.657 the doctor looks up and he says, and he, at this point, he's been so great. 00:13:02.690 --> 00:13:07.576 He's been rubbing, uh, mineral oil. I remember him asking the nurse, get 00:13:07.609 --> 00:13:10.217 the mineral oil. And she ran out of the room and came back in with mineral 00:13:10.250 --> 00:13:13.736 oil, and he's been rubbing it and rubbing it and rubbing it on uh my 00:13:13.769 --> 00:13:19.326 perineal area. And um and he's really worried about me tearing. And then 00:13:19.359 --> 00:13:21.846 he looked up and he said, we're just gonna have to do an episiotomy. And 00:13:21.879 --> 00:13:24.486 it was really nice that he even asked my permission because I hear these 00:13:24.519 --> 00:13:27.885 horror stories where the doctors don't and they just do it. But he didn't. 00:13:27.918 --> 00:13:33.086 I'm like, yes, I said yes. Like, why would I say no, yes, do it. Um, and 00:13:33.119 --> 00:13:36.726 so he did it, he, and immediately the baby came out. It was just, you know 00:13:36.759 --> 00:13:41.875 , a swipe of the knife and The baby came out healthy with these purple 00:13:41.908 --> 00:13:46.515 lips and just making this little lamb cry. It wasn't a whale. It was just 00:13:46.548 --> 00:13:51.596 the cutest little lamb cry. I'll never forget the sound of it. And They 00:13:51.629 --> 00:13:56.395 put him on my chest and I was able to nurse him or phone nurse him, you 00:13:56.428 --> 00:14:00.476 know, cause at that point my, my milk hadn't let down. And he was really 00:14:00.509 --> 00:14:04.917 good at latching. He immediately latched, and Eric got to hold him. Eric 00:14:04.950 --> 00:14:08.596 is, you know, weeping at this point, but he's trying to do it in that 00:14:08.629 --> 00:14:12.116 adorable male way where he's just like tapping his eye, trying to, you 00:14:12.149 --> 00:14:17.336 know, hold back the tears. It's very sweet. And I remember this feeling of 00:14:17.369 --> 00:14:22.537 just a, you know, I didn't feel that rush of emotion like I was crying and 00:14:22.570 --> 00:14:26.005 I just couldn't believe this is my baby, you know, it was that moment 00:14:26.038 --> 00:14:29.736 where It's like I was holding this baby and I was like, this is my baby. 00:14:29.769 --> 00:14:33.057 Like I grew the baby, I had the baby, you know, and now I have to take 00:14:33.090 --> 00:14:37.025 care of the baby. And just the complexity of that I remember just being 00:14:37.058 --> 00:14:42.856 really um complex in terms of the emotions, not just a sheer flood of joy 00:14:42.889 --> 00:14:49.515 , but also fear, you know, and fear of the future and that. This helpless 00:14:49.548 --> 00:14:56.986 creature is in my um care at this point. And so then they, they, what was 00:14:57.019 --> 00:15:01.586 funny is this view, and I'll never forget this scene where I have the baby 00:15:01.619 --> 00:15:04.505 and Eric is next to me and my mother's on the other side, and I felt like 00:15:04.538 --> 00:15:08.186 this really wonderful trinity, and then right there in between my legs, 00:15:08.219 --> 00:15:13.106 beautifully lit up with my doctor, stitching me up and he would dip down 00:15:13.139 --> 00:15:17.066 with the needle and thread and then pull it way up high so I could see it 00:15:17.099 --> 00:15:21.186 and then dip down and then pull it way up high. And it was the strangest 00:15:21.219 --> 00:15:26.746 view. I'll never forget that scene. And then he was done and I had to 00:15:26.779 --> 00:15:29.736 urinate something about the process of urinating, like your first 00:15:29.769 --> 00:15:35.547 urination. You're then able to do something else, you know, eat or walk 00:15:35.580 --> 00:15:38.986 around. I don't remember what it was, but I went to the bathroom. I think 00:15:39.019 --> 00:15:42.505 they want to make sure your legs could work. And then I laid back down and 00:15:42.538 --> 00:15:47.625 , and they took my child and they were weighing him and, you know, doing 00:15:47.658 --> 00:15:50.297 various things with him. And so of course I wanted to be with them. So I 00:15:50.330 --> 00:15:54.135 got up out of bed and I walked over to the little weigh station incubator 00:15:54.168 --> 00:15:57.936 area, whatever it was. And I remember, you know, I was looking at him and 00:15:57.969 --> 00:16:01.537 he was adorable and Eric was touching him in a certain way that he seemed 00:16:01.570 --> 00:16:06.057 to really enjoy. And then the nurse says, oh, you're bleeding with this 00:16:06.090 --> 00:16:09.816 adorable kind of singsongy voice, Oh, you're bleeding. And I turn around 00:16:09.849 --> 00:16:13.375 and there was blood from where I was standing to the bed, like someone had 00:16:13.408 --> 00:16:18.037 taken a bucket and just like thrown it on the floor and it was my Stitches 00:16:18.070 --> 00:16:21.395 , you know, cause I had just been stitched up from the episiotomy and of 00:16:21.428 --> 00:16:24.996 course, I probably had other fluids coming out. And I remember thinking, 00:16:25.029 --> 00:16:29.436 yeah, I am bleeding and not just in a subtle way, but like in a serious, I 00:16:29.469 --> 00:16:32.996 am bleeding way, yeah. And so I had to go lay back down and, you know, 00:16:33.029 --> 00:16:36.596 they checked things and blood pressure and all the stuff that they do. And 00:16:36.629 --> 00:16:40.346 at that point then, I don't know how much time I spent in that room, 00:16:40.379 --> 00:16:46.287 probably only a few hours, and they moved us to the um. I don't know, it 00:16:46.320 --> 00:16:50.246 was like continuing care room. And I was there for 4 days because of 00:16:50.279 --> 00:16:56.167 possible infection. There were various reasons. Something about blood type 00:16:56.200 --> 00:17:02.167 that uh Eric's my blood type were in opposition. And so, um, and, and so 00:17:02.200 --> 00:17:06.597 that was a concern. So I was in this, this aftercare area with August for 00:17:06.630 --> 00:17:12.347 4 days. And I was nursing him and it was really a beautiful time. You know 00:17:12.380 --> 00:17:16.426 , my mother was there. She had like a cot or a little mattress on the 00:17:16.459 --> 00:17:22.266 floor and I had no other concerns in the world, you know, it was just Um, 00:17:22.299 --> 00:17:27.147 my mother, my baby, and myself there and having this like really intimate 00:17:27.180 --> 00:17:32.986 time. But I will never forget my complete and absolute fear of going to 00:17:33.019 --> 00:17:38.367 the bathroom. After the labor and delivery and the episiotomy, I was like 00:17:38.400 --> 00:17:43.666 terrified of going #2, terrified of peeing. I was all of that was really 00:17:43.699 --> 00:17:47.045 nerve-wracking to me and I did not feel comfortable getting out of bed and 00:17:47.078 --> 00:17:51.805 walking around and I had huge hemorrhoids. Like when I say huge, I mean 00:17:51.838 --> 00:17:56.805 like those oversized grapes you can find at Costco sometimes, you know, 00:17:56.838 --> 00:18:01.696 they're like ridiculously large on You know, I don't know, steroids, 00:18:01.729 --> 00:18:07.377 grapes, like that, like gigantic, and I was in such pain. And then when I 00:18:07.410 --> 00:18:11.217 got home after those four days, it was terrible because I couldn't, my 00:18:11.250 --> 00:18:15.217 baby was a horrible baby. It was like he was screaming all the time, or 00:18:15.250 --> 00:18:18.397 sure he was a great baby, but he was like crying all the time. And I mean 00:18:18.430 --> 00:18:22.206 , I adore being around him, but it was, he really only wanted to be held 00:18:22.239 --> 00:18:27.117 and like walked around and swayed, and I couldn't be on my feet. So I was 00:18:27.150 --> 00:18:29.996 in, it was this horrible conflict and my mother was there, thank goodness 00:18:30.029 --> 00:18:34.916 , and she was helping me out. But I, I could just kind of like lay on my 00:18:34.949 --> 00:18:38.075 side. I couldn't sit on my bottom. I couldn't stand up. I remember just 00:18:38.108 --> 00:18:41.516 being like, when is this gonna be over? Can't they just, you know, cut 00:18:41.549 --> 00:18:47.575 these things off? And they were giving me, you know, like suppository, um. 00:18:47.608 --> 00:18:50.535 Uh, hydrocortisone, whatever that stuff is that they give you, but it's 00:18:50.568 --> 00:18:54.335 like the last thing you want to be doing is dealing with this, you know, 00:18:54.368 --> 00:18:58.045 process of healing when you just want to have this kind of like joyful 00:18:58.078 --> 00:19:02.516 experience after having given birth. And then finally those went away and 00:19:02.549 --> 00:19:07.276 things got better, thank goodness. Um, but I remember being really 00:19:07.309 --> 00:19:11.736 surprised by the process. I had planned. I just kind of knew it would go 00:19:11.769 --> 00:19:15.035 however it went because my mother had these incredible labor and delivery 00:19:15.068 --> 00:19:19.166 experiences. She was just made to have babies, you know, she would labor 00:19:19.199 --> 00:19:22.217 at home for a few hours and then she would go into the hospital and she 00:19:22.250 --> 00:19:25.176 would practically have the baby in the waiting room, you know. They had to 00:19:25.209 --> 00:19:28.217 like rush around and then she'd push out the baby naturally and everything 00:19:28.250 --> 00:19:32.285 went great. And I knew, I just sort of knew that wasn't going to be me, 00:19:32.318 --> 00:19:36.377 you know, her and I were different in ways that told me this was not going 00:19:36.410 --> 00:19:40.906 to happen. And so then I thought, well, I could at least make an effort, 00:19:40.939 --> 00:19:46.266 you know, and so I took some hypno birthing classes. And even during that 00:19:46.299 --> 00:19:51.305 process of like trying to self-hypnotize, which is just not my personality. 00:19:51.338 --> 00:19:54.305 I almost stayed in the class cause I didn't want to hurt the teacher's 00:19:54.338 --> 00:19:58.026 feelings, you know, but I'm, I was sitting, I'd be trying to 00:19:58.059 --> 00:20:03.206 self-hypnotize and I'd be just like, So hyper aware of everything around 00:20:03.239 --> 00:20:06.676 me and my body and my breathing and. Eric, on the other hand, would be 00:20:06.709 --> 00:20:10.516 asleep. You know, he'd self hypnotized, he'd be asleep within seconds. But 00:20:10.549 --> 00:20:14.516 yeah, I just knew it wasn't going to work. And so then when all of this 00:20:14.549 --> 00:20:20.676 happened with the, you know, the um the water leaking and being induced, I 00:20:20.709 --> 00:20:27.295 sort of felt like relieved that I didn't have to, you know, set up a Audio 00:20:27.328 --> 00:20:32.535 system of like waves crashing and imagine hold a green ribbon and imagine 00:20:32.568 --> 00:20:38.335 it being tied and then untied and, and imagine my cervix opening up like a 00:20:38.368 --> 00:20:41.335 balloon and just all of this stuff. I just thought that seems like so much 00:20:41.368 --> 00:20:44.976 work, you know, when you're just trying to get through the process. So I 00:20:45.009 --> 00:20:49.575 probably had like the wrong attitude anyway, which is just totally me to 00:20:49.608 --> 00:20:53.637 have the wrong attitude. And so, but I was kind of relieved. It was like 00:20:53.670 --> 00:20:57.397 out of my hands in a way that that really was in their hands. It was in 00:20:57.430 --> 00:21:02.196 the hands of the doctors and science. And when I started that, when I went 00:21:02.229 --> 00:21:05.397 in there and they said I would have to be induced, I looked at them and 00:21:05.430 --> 00:21:07.916 said, am I gonna have to be C-sectioned because I don't want to be in 00:21:07.949 --> 00:21:12.585 labor for 24 hours and then be wheeled into get C-sectioned. And she said 00:21:12.618 --> 00:21:16.867 , well, let's just try. And I was like, OK. And I was so glad that I tried 00:21:16.900 --> 00:21:21.026 because I was able to have a vaginal delivery and if I couldn't hardly 00:21:21.059 --> 00:21:25.107 deal with the process of healing from hemorrhoids, I couldn't imagine 00:21:25.140 --> 00:21:29.956 healing from a C-section. So I was really grateful that things had worked 00:21:29.989 --> 00:21:36.347 out as they had and I had a healthy boy who's, you know, a good, well 00:21:36.380 --> 00:21:41.578 adjusted, uh, child at this point. So it all worked out.