This is for Solis. It is June 13th.
123 12:39, um, and I'm contributing my story to the Creative Push project.
So it all began in November, sometime late in November. Um, Eric and I
had been trying to conceive for 6 months, and I didn't think it would ever
happen, and neither did my mother. Of course, she thought I should have
fertility testing, um, which ended up being unnecessary. But, so I had
been using an ovulation kit. We've been very strategic about when we had
sex, which was not as much fun as it might sound, and Then we had to leave
town. We were going to Santa Fe because I was having a solo exhibition at
a gallery out there, and we were about to take a flight the next morning.
And so the ovulation or the pregnancy test says to test for pregnancy
with the first urination of the morning. And I happened to get out in the
middle of the night because, you know, I drink lots of fluids, I guess.
And it was about 3 a.m. and I got up, I went to the bathroom and I
overthink everything, so I thought, I should probably take the pregnancy
test now and I took it and it said I was pregnant and it was exhilarating.
And so I climbed into bed with my husband and I rolled over and woke him
up and he wakes up with a startle every time, so it's really funny and um
I told him I was pregnant. And we both were like, you know, couldn't sleep
the rest of the night and I was laying next to him smiling, and he was
laying next to me with this terrified stricken expression on his face, you
know, like thinking, oh my gosh, this is actually happening. It was quite
funny. And then, of course, I was concerned about flying and the X-ray
machines and all the stuff that I hadn't thought about before, but I mean
, I was barely pregnant, so I, it was fine. Um, so anyhow, we went and did
that, and then, um, the course of being pregnant began and I pretty much
knew I was pregnant after the first month. Like I instantly started
putting on weight and instantly started bloating. I gained 50 pounds over
the course of the pregnancy and, um, was miserable almost every single
step of the way. And I gave birth in August, which is the hottest month in
Arizona, maybe just slightly less hot than July, but really hot. And so
all through the summer, I was in the pool, you know, with my gigantic
belly and my huge breasts and huge thighs, like just bobbing on the water
, trying to feel weightless cause otherwise, I felt like, uh, you know,
Just like a massive boulder trying to move about. And, um, and so I have
video of that. It's quite funny seeing this like milky white, you know,
mushroom lady floating in the water or marshmallow person, I should say.
Um, and
I would be, I was painting for a solo series at that time, so I would
paint for like 15 minutes and I'd lay on the couch for like 20 and eat
popsicles and watch movies. That's pretty much how the last 3 months of my
pregnancy went. And then, um, everything seemed to be going OK. The baby
really wasn't dropping. I had a really high pregnancy. My, um, the belly
came right out from under my breast. It just seemed like it was choking me
, you know, it wasn't low at all. It was just felt like it was right in my
face. And And then, um, let's see, I went.
I just think.
I went, OK, I started to notice that when I was brushing my teeth, there
would be a couple drops of water on the ground, and I wasn't spilling
water and, um, and there were these, it was about the size of a tablespoon
, you know, like a little puddle of a tablespoon of water. And it would
happen quite often. And finally I went, I called the doctor and said, this
is happening. And she said, well, why don't you go to the hospital and get
the fluid tested to see if it's amniotic fluid. Um, and so I went and did
that. I went to the hospital and that was a strange experience, you know,
walking in the hospital when you're not walking in to have your baby. And
I walked into the hospital. They, um, you know, took me an intake and, you
know, I was lying on a bed and all this crying so much waiting. You wait
and wait and wait, you wait for someone to come and talk to you, or
someone to take your name and your stats or whatever, and then you wait
again for a long period of time and then they come back. And she swabbed
me and then I waited a long time and she came back and said it's not
amniotic fluid. And um and then I was free to go home and I was so
confused because I said, she said maybe I was urinating or was, you know,
peeing myself. And I said, no, I'm sure I'm not peeing myself. Like I was
so certain that I wasn't and I was certain that this fluid was the
amniotic fluid, but I mean, it's, you know, um, laboratory tested, so you
believe the clinicians. And so we went home. And then for the next 2 or 3
days, it just kept happening, you know, and it was, it wasn't getting that
much more. It was just very consistent. And then I called my doctor and
they said go back again and get it tested so I went back again and they
tested it and it was amniotic fluid and then they said, well, now that we
know it's amniotic fluid and you've been dripping amniotic fluid for 3
days, you have to have an emergency um induction so I was, it was, you
know, very um urgent everything felt very urgent and kind of stressed.
And, um, I, we gathered some things together and or my husband had to
gather together because I was in the hospital. And we go into, luckily I
knew a nurse at the hospital and she really helped to accommodate us. I'm
going to just
So my friend helped hook us up with this pretty nice room. It was a large
room and it was solitary. So my husband was there, and my mother was there
, which was really great. And the room was dark, but I had all these fetal
monitors on, so I had a strap across my belly and of course I had the IV
and the IV took several attempts to get that in I valves or something, so
the veins kept blowing and that was really dreadful. Um, and so we You
know, I was, um, they put, they gave me the Pitocin, so then I waited,
felt like forever until I started feeling contractions. Then finally I
started feeling contractions. They started rolling in one atop the other,
with no break, this extreme intensity. And the only position I could cope
was standing, and the only area I could stand where I could lean against
something was the table. And right next to it was the fetal monitor, of
course, cause I was trapped, you know, with the dragging cords and machine
equipment every time I moved about. So it was the corner of the room near
the bathroom and I would just hold on to the side table and rock just back
and forth, back and forth, and try to just cope with this like rolling
pain. And my husband was behind me and he was just kind of had his hands
on my hips and he would leave me alone and um he knew pretty much to give
me my space during that time. But then I got this like great idea to try
some other things cause this was extremely painful, even though I was able
to cope with it, to try the um bouncing ball, you know, the nursing ball,
or not the nursing ball, the. I don't know what they call it laboring ball
or something, and you um sit on that and kind of rock your hips in a
circular motion or something, and that's supposed to help with the process
, but it, it actually caused, it, it was fine for me. It didn't help that
much, but then all of a sudden the nurses came running in that the baby
was in distress. So the baby didn't like the change in position, I guess.
And so immediately they wanted me to lay on the bed. Um, and all this
happened over a course of hours, but it felt like very um tight in terms
of timing. So they laid me on the bed and immediately I was like in
writhing pain, like just really truly writhing, you know, on my side and
fetal position, just flexing my legs out and in and doing everything that
they say not to do, um, tensing muscles, you know, contracting my face,
everything that they have to do. And I was in just agony, like agony, and
my mother was there and she just could barely stand to see me look like
this. So then the nurse comes in and she said, I'm gonna go to lunch, you
know, I'll be back in an hour or whatever she said. And my mother said,
can you check her dilation before you go? And so the nurse said, Sure, and
she didn't seem too happy about it, but she did it. And I was only at 4
centimeters. I mean, it would've been long suffering. So I was at 4
centimeters and my mother and I looked at each other and she said, can we
just get a, an epidural. And the woman looked at us like, really? You know
, because it's not very far along to get an epidural. And we were like,
yes, let's just do it. So then, uh, she, you know, of course, she had to
postpone her lunch, which I'm sure was not cool. She got the doctor and
who came in and did the epidural, and I was, I'm terrified of needles and
I, in my head, all I can think about is, you know, first of all, you're
having contractions while you're trying to be completely still and they're
saying, breathe out, you know, and, uh, you know, try not to move and um.
And so Uh, my husband was there with me, which was great, and I was
leaning forward. Oh no, he had to leave the room when, when I was getting
my epidural. He was leaning forward. The doctor gave me the epidural and
it did not immediately go, make the pain go away. So you kind of felt pain.
You're like, when is it going to start working? And then when it works,
it's like this flood of joy comes over you. I mean, it, I can't even
describe it. It's just like someone just opens a valve of pressure, you
know, and It's like, wow, I, I can think about other things than the pain
, you know, I can think about being hungry or whatever it is, the fact
that I'm gonna have this baby. And so, um, I was able to lay in the bed
and relax and my family, my mother and my husband were able to get some
napping in and I was able to um just think about it, you know, think about
the fact that I'm gonna have this child and you know all this whole
process. And then not too long after, it felt like almost immediately, you
know, I don't know, a couple of hours, let's say, the doctor comes in and
checks my dilation, and I was at full, full, um, full dilation so that I
could go ahead and start pushing. And it was almost as though I couldn't
dilate because I was in so much pain, you know, and it was keeping my
uterus completely contracted and just not allowing for that relaxation. Um
, which, which helps allow for that dilation, the whole process to go
forward. And so I was really relieved that I had gotten the epidural. In
the long run, I was really happy that I did it because it was a very short
time between 4 centimeters and full dilation for me to go ahead and start
pushing and have the baby. So then he's like, we're ready to push. So
doctor, doctor comes in and Eric is on one leg and he's holding one leg.
My mother's on the other leg holding other leg, and I have this nurse here
and she's very sweet, but she has this very Um, therapy voice, you know,
which is like, we're gonna count 123,
and I swear it was like I couldn't tolerate the sound of her voice. I just
, something in that moment, I really just needed someone to be like, 1234
, you know what I mean? It just helped me through that process. Luckily,
my doctor was like a coach. I mean, he was right there. He was, had that
kind of energy about him that it's like, we're gonna get this done, we're
gonna get this baby out, and it's gonna be healthy. And so, um, so I had,
at that point, I had the laboring process, I'm not sure again how long it
took, but I, it felt as though I was pushing and pushing and pushing and I
, because of the epidural, I knew I was pushing. I could like feel some
contracting happening or some cramping happening, but I really couldn't
tell if I was doing it right and I was having, I was flooded with all this
self-doubt, you know. Is anything happening? Is, is it working? Am I
pushing hard enough? Am I failing, you know, I, I just couldn't tell. I
could tell. I had all these three faces. I, I was looking at their faces
and they were looking at my vagina, which is such a funny thing. And I
could see in their faces that they weren't satisfied, you know, that it
was like, is it, is it working? And they said, well, It's just that I can
, we can tell that the baby's moving forward, but then as soon as you stop
pushing it, it goes back up, you know, it goes back inside, and it just
kept happening again and again. It just felt like no progress. So finally
the doctor looks up and he says, and he, at this point, he's been so great.
He's been rubbing, uh, mineral oil. I remember him asking the nurse, get
the mineral oil. And she ran out of the room and came back in with mineral
oil, and he's been rubbing it and rubbing it and rubbing it on uh my
perineal area. And um and he's really worried about me tearing. And then
he looked up and he said, we're just gonna have to do an episiotomy. And
it was really nice that he even asked my permission because I hear these
horror stories where the doctors don't and they just do it. But he didn't.
I'm like, yes, I said yes. Like, why would I say no, yes, do it. Um, and
so he did it, he, and immediately the baby came out. It was just, you know
, a swipe of the knife and The baby came out healthy with these purple
lips and just making this little lamb cry. It wasn't a whale. It was just
the cutest little lamb cry. I'll never forget the sound of it. And They
put him on my chest and I was able to nurse him or phone nurse him, you
know, cause at that point my, my milk hadn't let down. And he was really
good at latching. He immediately latched, and Eric got to hold him. Eric
is, you know, weeping at this point, but he's trying to do it in that
adorable male way where he's just like tapping his eye, trying to, you
know, hold back the tears. It's very sweet. And I remember this feeling of
just a, you know, I didn't feel that rush of emotion like I was crying and
I just couldn't believe this is my baby, you know, it was that moment
where It's like I was holding this baby and I was like, this is my baby.
Like I grew the baby, I had the baby, you know, and now I have to take
care of the baby. And just the complexity of that I remember just being
really um complex in terms of the emotions, not just a sheer flood of joy
, but also fear, you know, and fear of the future and that. This helpless
creature is in my um care at this point. And so then they, they, what was
funny is this view, and I'll never forget this scene where I have the baby
and Eric is next to me and my mother's on the other side, and I felt like
this really wonderful trinity, and then right there in between my legs,
beautifully lit up with my doctor, stitching me up and he would dip down
with the needle and thread and then pull it way up high so I could see it
and then dip down and then pull it way up high. And it was the strangest
view. I'll never forget that scene. And then he was done and I had to
urinate something about the process of urinating, like your first
urination. You're then able to do something else, you know, eat or walk
around. I don't remember what it was, but I went to the bathroom. I think
they want to make sure your legs could work. And then I laid back down and
, and they took my child and they were weighing him and, you know, doing
various things with him. And so of course I wanted to be with them. So I
got up out of bed and I walked over to the little weigh station incubator
area, whatever it was. And I remember, you know, I was looking at him and
he was adorable and Eric was touching him in a certain way that he seemed
to really enjoy. And then the nurse says, oh, you're bleeding with this
adorable kind of singsongy voice, Oh, you're bleeding. And I turn around
and there was blood from where I was standing to the bed, like someone had
taken a bucket and just like thrown it on the floor and it was my Stitches
, you know, cause I had just been stitched up from the episiotomy and of
course, I probably had other fluids coming out. And I remember thinking,
yeah, I am bleeding and not just in a subtle way, but like in a serious, I
am bleeding way, yeah. And so I had to go lay back down and, you know,
they checked things and blood pressure and all the stuff that they do. And
at that point then, I don't know how much time I spent in that room,
probably only a few hours, and they moved us to the um. I don't know, it
was like continuing care room. And I was there for 4 days because of
possible infection. There were various reasons. Something about blood type
that uh Eric's my blood type were in opposition. And so, um, and, and so
that was a concern. So I was in this, this aftercare area with August for
4 days. And I was nursing him and it was really a beautiful time. You know
, my mother was there. She had like a cot or a little mattress on the
floor and I had no other concerns in the world, you know, it was just Um,
my mother, my baby, and myself there and having this like really intimate
time. But I will never forget my complete and absolute fear of going to
the bathroom. After the labor and delivery and the episiotomy, I was like
terrified of going #2, terrified of peeing. I was all of that was really
nerve-wracking to me and I did not feel comfortable getting out of bed and
walking around and I had huge hemorrhoids. Like when I say huge, I mean
like those oversized grapes you can find at Costco sometimes, you know,
they're like ridiculously large on You know, I don't know, steroids,
grapes, like that, like gigantic, and I was in such pain. And then when I
got home after those four days, it was terrible because I couldn't, my
baby was a horrible baby. It was like he was screaming all the time, or
sure he was a great baby, but he was like crying all the time. And I mean
, I adore being around him, but it was, he really only wanted to be held
and like walked around and swayed, and I couldn't be on my feet. So I was
in, it was this horrible conflict and my mother was there, thank goodness
, and she was helping me out. But I, I could just kind of like lay on my
side. I couldn't sit on my bottom. I couldn't stand up. I remember just
being like, when is this gonna be over? Can't they just, you know, cut
these things off? And they were giving me, you know, like suppository, um.
Uh, hydrocortisone, whatever that stuff is that they give you, but it's
like the last thing you want to be doing is dealing with this, you know,
process of healing when you just want to have this kind of like joyful
experience after having given birth. And then finally those went away and
things got better, thank goodness. Um, but I remember being really
surprised by the process. I had planned. I just kind of knew it would go
however it went because my mother had these incredible labor and delivery
experiences. She was just made to have babies, you know, she would labor
at home for a few hours and then she would go into the hospital and she
would practically have the baby in the waiting room, you know. They had to
like rush around and then she'd push out the baby naturally and everything
went great. And I knew, I just sort of knew that wasn't going to be me,
you know, her and I were different in ways that told me this was not going
to happen. And so then I thought, well, I could at least make an effort,
you know, and so I took some hypno birthing classes. And even during that
process of like trying to self-hypnotize, which is just not my personality.
I almost stayed in the class cause I didn't want to hurt the teacher's
feelings, you know, but I'm, I was sitting, I'd be trying to
self-hypnotize and I'd be just like, So hyper aware of everything around
me and my body and my breathing and. Eric, on the other hand, would be
asleep. You know, he'd self hypnotized, he'd be asleep within seconds. But
yeah, I just knew it wasn't going to work. And so then when all of this
happened with the, you know, the um the water leaking and being induced, I
sort of felt like relieved that I didn't have to, you know, set up a Audio
system of like waves crashing and imagine hold a green ribbon and imagine
it being tied and then untied and, and imagine my cervix opening up like a
balloon and just all of this stuff. I just thought that seems like so much
work, you know, when you're just trying to get through the process. So I
probably had like the wrong attitude anyway, which is just totally me to
have the wrong attitude. And so, but I was kind of relieved. It was like
out of my hands in a way that that really was in their hands. It was in
the hands of the doctors and science. And when I started that, when I went
in there and they said I would have to be induced, I looked at them and
said, am I gonna have to be C-sectioned because I don't want to be in
labor for 24 hours and then be wheeled into get C-sectioned. And she said
, well, let's just try. And I was like, OK. And I was so glad that I tried
because I was able to have a vaginal delivery and if I couldn't hardly
deal with the process of healing from hemorrhoids, I couldn't imagine
healing from a C-section. So I was really grateful that things had worked
out as they had and I had a healthy boy who's, you know, a good, well
adjusted, uh, child at this point. So it all worked out.