WEBVTT 00:00:00.009 --> 00:00:04.566 All right, this is Boris Solis interviewing Laura Elhas for the Creative 00:00:04.599 --> 00:00:11.687 Push project on August 16th at 12:45. OK, so we'll go ahead and get 00:00:11.720 --> 00:00:19.067 started. So, um, Maybe take us back to as far back as the conception if 00:00:19.100 --> 00:00:24.146 you can, you know, and if there's anything memorable, you know, if you, if 00:00:24.179 --> 00:00:28.506 it was a planned birth or whatnot, you know, as far back as you can, I 00:00:28.539 --> 00:00:36.315 guess maybe tells us you can. Well, I wouldn't say he was. Planned I 00:00:36.348 --> 00:00:40.116 wouldn't say he was in a complete accident either. It was sort of like 00:00:40.149 --> 00:00:46.546 that weird in between where. We knew that we were being irresponsible, but 00:00:46.579 --> 00:00:51.076 we didn't really care. So it wasn't any huge surprise when I ended up 00:00:51.109 --> 00:00:54.866 pregnant. And 00:00:54.899 --> 00:01:01.057 I had some, I swear I had symptoms almost immediately. Like after, after 00:01:01.090 --> 00:01:05.816 conceiving, which sounds crazy, but I didn't realize it at first, but I 00:01:05.849 --> 00:01:12.516 just started like I was peeing a lot. And I was craving just like meat 00:01:12.549 --> 00:01:16.397 like for a week straight. I just crave like protein and chicken and 00:01:16.430 --> 00:01:24.430 burgers and meat. And um I think another week went by and I was in the 00:01:24.500 --> 00:01:32.500 mall with my husband. And I was trying on clothes. And all of a sudden my 00:01:33.040 --> 00:01:36.876 nipples started burning and I was like, David, what's going on? My nipples 00:01:36.909 --> 00:01:41.647 are burning. This is so weird. And combined with everything else, I was 00:01:41.680 --> 00:01:47.665 like, could I be pregnant? That's so weird. And and he said, yeah, they do 00:01:47.698 --> 00:01:53.257 look really like irritated. I was like, OK, well, We'll see how the next 00:01:53.290 --> 00:01:58.956 few days go or whatever and. Um, being a midwifery student, I knew that, 00:01:58.989 --> 00:02:03.846 you know, from. From the date of conception, you know, you have to wait 00:02:03.879 --> 00:02:08.166 between 11 and 13 days before you get a positive pregnancy test. And so I 00:02:08.199 --> 00:02:13.166 was looking at all my like anatomy diagrams on the wall and like a diagram 00:02:13.199 --> 00:02:19.136 of like, you know, fertilized. Like fertilization and then it how it like 00:02:19.169 --> 00:02:23.297 morphs and you know, eventually implants into the uterine wall and I was 00:02:23.330 --> 00:02:30.025 looking at that and. I was like that might be going on right now. Um, so I 00:02:30.058 --> 00:02:33.585 think it was a few days before my missed period that I finally took a 00:02:33.618 --> 00:02:41.618 pregnancy test. And I took a pregnancy test, I mean, I took like 10. And I 00:02:42.000 --> 00:02:45.286 was really frustrated because I was looking at them and they were and they 00:02:45.319 --> 00:02:50.146 were all negative. And I was like, this can't be. I swear I'm pregnant. 00:02:50.179 --> 00:02:54.327 And so I was just like throwing them away and I took like a clear blue one 00:02:54.360 --> 00:03:00.495 later on during the day and I saw a line and I was like, holy shit. I'm 00:03:00.528 --> 00:03:05.656 I'm pregnant. And I went back and I looked at those other pregnancy tests 00:03:05.689 --> 00:03:10.525 that day and they were all positive. There were really faint positives, 00:03:10.558 --> 00:03:14.805 but I just hadn't waited long enough for it to show up, or it was so early 00:03:14.838 --> 00:03:20.166 that it was really, really faint. So I I Facebooked a picture of one of 00:03:20.199 --> 00:03:24.286 them to my friend and she said, yeah, you're pregnant. I was like, oh my 00:03:24.319 --> 00:03:28.896 gosh. And the first person I texted was my sister, and she remembers it to 00:03:28.929 --> 00:03:35.346 this day, and she got a text message and I said, dude, I'm pregnant. 00:03:35.379 --> 00:03:42.146 So that was the story of his conception. Um, 00:03:42.179 --> 00:03:48.927 And so my, my husband, he. He found out obviously and he brought flowers. 00:03:48.960 --> 00:03:53.436 And he said this is for the bun in the oven. 00:03:53.469 --> 00:03:56.487 And um 00:03:56.520 --> 00:04:01.547 That was, you know, around 4 weeks when I was 4 weeks pregnant. Um, and 00:04:01.580 --> 00:04:07.745 then when I was 6 weeks pregnant. That's sort of when like HCG starts 00:04:07.778 --> 00:04:13.475 peaking and, you know. Things start getting really crazy, so. I 00:04:13.508 --> 00:04:18.637 experienced like I started experiencing perinatal depression. Right when I 00:04:18.670 --> 00:04:23.796 started experiencing morning sickness. Um, so I was, I didn't really throw 00:04:23.829 --> 00:04:27.426 up a lot or anything, but I was just like constantly nauseous all day 00:04:27.459 --> 00:04:35.217 sickness. And I was constantly depressed, which was awful. And I'd 00:04:35.250 --> 00:04:38.736 experienced depression before when I initially moved to Maine, but this 00:04:38.769 --> 00:04:42.395 was like a different kind of depression. Um, it was like I was very 00:04:42.428 --> 00:04:47.317 agitated and just very irritable and I didn't want to be touched and Just 00:04:47.350 --> 00:04:54.817 very like you know. Flat sometimes and. So I was happy. That I was 00:04:54.850 --> 00:05:00.976 pregnant, but I was also just not, not able to be fully, fully present in 00:05:01.009 --> 00:05:08.796 the experience when it was really early on. Um, So right around. 00:05:08.829 --> 00:05:15.145 When I was 12 or 13 weeks, I waited. And in my mind, I suffered, suffered 00:05:15.178 --> 00:05:20.555 those 6 weeks, those 6 or 7 weeks, um, to get on antidepressants, I wanted 00:05:20.588 --> 00:05:26.937 to wait for his heart to develop. Um. And so right at that mark when I 00:05:26.970 --> 00:05:30.697 knew things were OK, I was like, OK, I'm gonna, I just need to take this 00:05:30.730 --> 00:05:35.476 medication. And so I started taking Zoloft. 00:05:35.509 --> 00:05:40.075 And it helped a little bit, but I was still just really. 00:05:40.108 --> 00:05:44.426 I was just really like withdrawn pretty much my entire pregnancy. I didn't. 00:05:44.459 --> 00:05:50.046 I didn't really want anybody to like touch my belly or um. You know, 00:05:50.079 --> 00:05:55.575 touch me in general. But I was still, I mean, I loved, even, you know, 00:05:55.608 --> 00:05:59.455 before he was born, I loved him and he was wanted and um I was really 00:05:59.488 --> 00:06:05.325 happy being pregnant. Um Just not the experience of being pregnant, if 00:06:05.358 --> 00:06:07.906 that makes sense. 00:06:07.939 --> 00:06:10.325 Um, 00:06:10.358 --> 00:06:15.426 Did that impact your marriage? Oh yeah. 00:06:15.459 --> 00:06:23.459 It was really, really hard for for David. He, he's very sensitive. 00:06:23.629 --> 00:06:28.586 And so he tried really hard to. 00:06:28.619 --> 00:06:35.127 You know, work on things with me and. You know, help me or cook things or. 00:06:35.160 --> 00:06:41.736 Whatever he could do to lend his support, but I just. I didn't I didn't 00:06:41.769 --> 00:06:47.606 want that, I guess. Uh, so it created a lot of, a lot of tension, you know 00:06:47.639 --> 00:06:54.476 , he went to bed upset a lot of nights and. I went to bed just Feeling 00:06:54.509 --> 00:07:00.067 flat and irritated. So it was definitely rough. 00:07:00.100 --> 00:07:05.887 We, we weren't married at the time. We, we didn't get married until. Let's 00:07:05.920 --> 00:07:11.036 see, I found out I was pregnant on June 14th. 00:07:11.069 --> 00:07:16.596 And we didn't get married until August 7th, so. There was some time in 00:07:16.629 --> 00:07:19.877 between there where we were trying to figure out if we were even gonna 00:07:19.910 --> 00:07:26.305 stay together. Or what what we were gonna do and. 00:07:26.338 --> 00:07:34.338 In my mind. Uh, I was just. Like I'm pregnant. I'm alone. I'm in Maine. I 00:07:36.119 --> 00:07:40.515 don't know what to do about my relationship, what's gonna happen and. I 00:07:40.548 --> 00:07:45.786 just wasn't really in a very good, very good place to make decisions. But 00:07:45.819 --> 00:07:51.127 we got married anyway. Um, on August 7th when I still fit into my wedding 00:07:51.160 --> 00:07:55.726 dress because I had, I had bought a dress and I was must have been like 16 00:07:55.759 --> 00:07:59.286 weeks right around there. And so I had started to gain a little bit of 00:07:59.319 --> 00:08:04.495 weight, but I still fit into it. And so I, I put on my wedding dress and 00:08:04.528 --> 00:08:11.637 did my hair and we went down to City Hall and. And got married. Um, did he 00:08:11.670 --> 00:08:17.596 , did either both of you, um, think of the. Depression, which was 00:08:17.629 --> 00:08:20.286 impacting the marriage as a temporary state. Like, did you know at the 00:08:20.319 --> 00:08:24.926 time this is because of my pregnancy and it'll go away once I have this 00:08:24.959 --> 00:08:28.106 baby? 00:08:28.139 --> 00:08:32.025 I don't think we knew for sure. I think we hadn't been together very long 00:08:32.058 --> 00:08:40.058 before I got pregnant. We had sort of a whirlwind courtship and. 00:08:40.288 --> 00:08:43.346 I think 00:08:43.379 --> 00:08:49.066 I think the the the depression and the pregnancy and like. The real life 00:08:49.099 --> 00:08:57.099 hitting us. Sort of brought my my feelings up that maybe this person 00:08:57.519 --> 00:09:01.407 wasn't the right person for me and it was going to end eventually and I 00:09:01.440 --> 00:09:06.797 think he thought that too, but he, you know, we wanted to give it a fair 00:09:06.830 --> 00:09:11.417 fair shot so we weren't sure. Um, I think that's really common with 00:09:11.450 --> 00:09:15.456 depression too that you don't really trust your experience sometimes 00:09:15.489 --> 00:09:20.356 because you don't know. What's real. You don't know what, what you don't, 00:09:20.389 --> 00:09:23.037 you don't see things as they are. Sometimes you see things through the 00:09:23.070 --> 00:09:27.157 lens of your depression or your anxiety or what whatever illness you're 00:09:27.190 --> 00:09:32.356 going through. So we, we didn't know if it was going to lift when Ramsey 00:09:32.389 --> 00:09:36.986 was born. And if it, even if it did lift, where we still gonna be together 00:09:37.019 --> 00:09:43.547 ? So it was a really, it was a really rough time. With the depression and 00:09:43.580 --> 00:09:49.667 not even knowing if we're gonna stay together or anything like that. But 00:09:49.700 --> 00:09:56.576 We tried. And I mean, he did the best he could through the pregnancy and. 00:09:56.609 --> 00:10:01.836 You know, when I had moments of. You know, clarity or I wasn't wasn't 00:10:01.869 --> 00:10:09.167 feeling too irritable that day. You know, we had, we had some good days. 00:10:09.200 --> 00:10:14.967 How was the um physical experience of pregnancy for you? 00:10:15.000 --> 00:10:19.496 I kind of hated it. 00:10:19.529 --> 00:10:26.217 I hated, I, I was nauseous up until maybe 18 weeks. So I was just nauseous 00:10:26.250 --> 00:10:30.657 all the time. I did throw up a few times. I would brush my teeth and I 00:10:30.690 --> 00:10:36.057 would just come out and I'd be like, I have to throw up. So the the 00:10:36.090 --> 00:10:42.635 physical experience was difficult for me. The nausea. I had migraines 00:10:42.668 --> 00:10:48.436 throughout my pregnancy too. They started right around 14 weeks. And 00:10:48.469 --> 00:10:51.917 disappeared maybe around 30 weeks. 00:10:51.950 --> 00:10:55.917 And I'm prone to migraines anyway, but in the pregnancy they were just 00:10:55.950 --> 00:11:00.537 like debilitating. To the point where I would feel it and I would have to 00:11:00.570 --> 00:11:05.417 go lay down in the dark and put an ice pack on my head and not talk and 00:11:05.450 --> 00:11:13.157 just. Pass out Um I couldn't take my migraine medication in pregnancy. I 00:11:13.190 --> 00:11:16.635 couldn't take the Imitrex. They said it wasn't safe, but apparently 00:11:16.668 --> 00:11:22.486 Vicodin is safe. So they gave me Vicodin and when you're, you know, when I 00:11:22.519 --> 00:11:28.596 have a migraine, I'm desperate. I'll take anything. So I took the Vicodin. 00:11:28.629 --> 00:11:33.275 And I went, I ended up in urgent care. Uh, one time for the migraine 00:11:33.308 --> 00:11:37.476 because I was so dehydrated and exhausted and I'd been in pain for two 00:11:37.509 --> 00:11:44.177 days and. Uh, so I, they brought me into urgent care and. Gave me fluids 00:11:44.210 --> 00:11:49.417 and gave me morphine and. Didn't morphine, it didn't really help with the 00:11:49.450 --> 00:11:54.206 pain. It just made me not care, so. 00:11:54.239 --> 00:12:01.125 I came home. And the minute I came home and I was walking. I was like I 00:12:01.158 --> 00:12:08.157 gotta throw up. Because of the narcotics, so I, I threw up again. And I, I 00:12:08.190 --> 00:12:12.836 took Tylenol, I think, and I went to sleep. And so it was it was a rough 00:12:12.869 --> 00:12:17.717 pregnancy. I didn't like the experience of being pregnant other than other 00:12:17.750 --> 00:12:22.557 than feeling him move, which was amazing because I, I loved him and I felt 00:12:22.590 --> 00:12:28.057 like I knew him. And I felt like I knew his personality. And so that was 00:12:28.090 --> 00:12:33.907 the one thing that I remember really enjoying was. The the belly pictures 00:12:33.940 --> 00:12:39.547 . I enjoyed taking belly pictures. And feeling him move and kick and I 00:12:39.580 --> 00:12:43.645 would, you know, poke him or. Or something like that, and he would poke 00:12:43.678 --> 00:12:48.775 back and. There was this one pair of pants. They were just like regular 00:12:48.808 --> 00:12:54.677 maternity pants and they weren't particularly tight. Or uncomfortable for 00:12:54.710 --> 00:12:58.677 me in any way, but for whatever reason, the way they sat on my belly, he 00:12:58.710 --> 00:13:03.066 did not like them. He didn't like it, and every time I wore those pants 00:13:03.099 --> 00:13:08.385 without fail, he would like push his head against the waistband. And just 00:13:08.418 --> 00:13:14.336 keep doing it as if he was saying, excuse me, I don't like these. And so I 00:13:14.369 --> 00:13:19.037 would change my pants and he would stop. It was the weirdest thing, so I 00:13:19.070 --> 00:13:23.196 just stopped wearing those pants in my pregnancy. Unless I was worried 00:13:23.229 --> 00:13:25.797 about him or something, so I put those pants on and then he would like 00:13:25.830 --> 00:13:32.125 push his head and be like, OK, he's OK. Um, I was, I was very anxiety 00:13:32.158 --> 00:13:38.616 ridden in my pregnancy too. I was a very nervous first time pregnant lady. 00:13:38.649 --> 00:13:42.125 And I think part of it is because I knew everything that could happen and 00:13:42.158 --> 00:13:48.145 could go on and I knew I had a 30% chance of miscarriage and. 00:13:48.178 --> 00:13:54.037 Early on Um, when I was taking all those pregnancy tests, I was working on 00:13:54.070 --> 00:13:57.356 in one of my clinical rotations for midwifery school for a midwifery 00:13:57.389 --> 00:14:01.557 practice, and I asked one of the midwives to take my blood and do like a 00:14:01.590 --> 00:14:09.590 serum HCG. And And she did it and I left for Colorado before the results 00:14:09.678 --> 00:14:14.047 came back and they called me while I was in Colorado and they said, well, 00:14:14.080 --> 00:14:19.885 Your HCG isn't as high as we would like. And you know, we want to see it, 00:14:19.918 --> 00:14:24.356 you know, doubling or tripling whatever rising. And I was really scared 00:14:24.389 --> 00:14:29.047 and so I called my actual midwife and. And she said, well, you know, it 00:14:29.080 --> 00:14:32.385 could mean that, you know, it's just really early or that the pregnancy 00:14:32.418 --> 00:14:37.846 isn't viable. And that was just like, oh my gosh, like I was so I was so 00:14:37.879 --> 00:14:42.086 scared to, you know, lose the pregnancy. And so I had labs done at the 00:14:42.119 --> 00:14:49.015 hospital in Colorado to make sure that everything had been doubling um and 00:14:49.048 --> 00:14:52.736 Of course, we got the results and everything was fine and everything was 00:14:52.769 --> 00:15:00.047 doubling and he was gonna be OK. Can you explain what an HCG is? Yeah, um 00:15:00.080 --> 00:15:08.080 , ah. I guess in layman's terms, it's, it's a hormone that. 00:15:08.840 --> 00:15:15.226 So when When an egg is fertilized and. Uh, multiplies and everything and 00:15:15.259 --> 00:15:19.856 attaches to the uterine wall. When it attaches to the uterine wall, um, it 00:15:19.889 --> 00:15:23.907 starts secreting that hormone into the and it goes into the mother's 00:15:23.940 --> 00:15:28.297 bloodstream. And that's what, uh, like a home pregnancy test will pick up 00:15:28.330 --> 00:15:36.330 on is the HCG. Um, so that's why you can be pregnant, but if it hasn't 00:15:36.399 --> 00:15:40.645 implanted into the uterine wall yet, you won't get a positive pregnancy 00:15:40.678 --> 00:15:44.967 test because that, that hormone isn't being secreted into the mother's 00:15:45.000 --> 00:15:49.635 bloodstream, which is why you have to wait. Yeah, I have to wait, um, I 00:15:49.668 --> 00:15:54.316 think 11 to 13 days after conception. That's how long it takes for it to 00:15:54.349 --> 00:15:59.395 travel down and and plant and. Do all that. I hope I hope I remembered all 00:15:59.428 --> 00:16:04.005 that correctly. I've been out of midwifery school a while. So yeah, it was 00:16:04.038 --> 00:16:08.616 a it was a tough pregnancy. Um, 00:16:08.649 --> 00:16:12.135 So would you want your feet a lot? Were you working the whole time? No, I 00:16:12.168 --> 00:16:17.946 was in midwifery school for part of the time. So I, I went to school 3 00:16:17.979 --> 00:16:25.635 days a week. And You know, just studied, kept on going. Which was also 00:16:25.668 --> 00:16:31.496 difficult in some ways, we had some. So we were doing our complications 00:16:31.529 --> 00:16:37.717 classes that that year, so we had like prenatal complications. 00:16:37.750 --> 00:16:45.515 So Everything about like miscarriage and you know, everything that can go 00:16:45.548 --> 00:16:50.395 wrong and things like that. I, I think we had that class. 00:16:50.428 --> 00:16:54.826 While I was early pregnant or just before I had gotten pregnant. And then 00:16:54.859 --> 00:16:58.826 we had newborn complications, which was, I was completely checked out. I 00:16:58.859 --> 00:17:04.236 think I got I got a C in that class or something. I just did not want to 00:17:04.269 --> 00:17:11.196 see all those babies with all those problems and with diseases and. 00:17:11.229 --> 00:17:16.156 You know, hor horrible pictures and coupled with my depression already and 00:17:16.189 --> 00:17:20.597 my anxiety about, you know, is he OK? Was he gonna be OK? I just couldn't 00:17:20.630 --> 00:17:25.976 , I couldn't deal with that, so I checked out and My teacher in that class 00:17:26.009 --> 00:17:32.137 was really. I think she was upset with me about that, but. 00:17:32.170 --> 00:17:38.776 What can I do? I just, I didn't want to deal with it, so. So yeah, I was 00:17:38.809 --> 00:17:46.186 still going to school and That the our school year ended in December. 00:17:46.219 --> 00:17:51.397 And so we decided, my teachers and I decided. If he was going to be born 00:17:51.430 --> 00:17:56.236 in the end of February, his due date was February 23rd. 00:17:56.269 --> 00:18:00.335 That I shouldn't start the last semester. 00:18:00.368 --> 00:18:04.285 Because You know, I would have a baby in the middle of it and it would be 00:18:04.318 --> 00:18:08.926 really hard to. You know, finish everything and deal with that pressure. 00:18:08.959 --> 00:18:13.647 That was our last academic semester before we went to our preceptorships 00:18:13.680 --> 00:18:18.766 , which is the year to year and a half long training where we get the bulk 00:18:18.799 --> 00:18:21.916 of our birth experience. 00:18:21.949 --> 00:18:25.946 So we had a research class and some other classes to finish up and, and 00:18:25.979 --> 00:18:30.706 they said, no, you should probably go on leave of absence now and don't 00:18:30.739 --> 00:18:34.305 start, you know, don't start it because you're gonna have a baby in the 00:18:34.338 --> 00:18:41.236 middle of it. So I stopped going in January. Which was also hard for me 00:18:41.269 --> 00:18:46.206 because I mean, I was kind of isolated in Maine and I only had my husband 00:18:46.239 --> 00:18:51.295 too. We did not have a smooth marriage at all. For the time that we were 00:18:51.328 --> 00:18:57.127 married and my classmates in midwifery school were like my, my tribe. They 00:18:57.160 --> 00:19:03.055 were, they were my girls. And so when I didn't have them, it was That was 00:19:03.088 --> 00:19:07.976 difficult for me too, but they, they visited when they. When they were 00:19:08.009 --> 00:19:12.535 free and they all came after he was born and several of them were there 00:19:12.568 --> 00:19:15.467 for the for the birth. 00:19:15.500 --> 00:19:23.500 And I think it was in January, December or January. That a former client. 00:19:23.539 --> 00:19:26.357 Of my midwife. 00:19:26.390 --> 00:19:32.256 I, OK, so I had my midwife who she was. She was also my preceptor for my 00:19:32.289 --> 00:19:35.815 clinical rotation, and I had worked with her and I had seen her in action 00:19:35.848 --> 00:19:40.877 and I knew, well, if I ever have a baby, I want Suzie to be my midwife. 00:19:40.910 --> 00:19:44.357 And while I was working with Susie, we attended a birth of one of her 00:19:44.390 --> 00:19:50.315 clients and I was the student for that birth. And me and me and the client 00:19:50.348 --> 00:19:55.805 um developed, you know, a bond and it was her first baby and you know, she 00:19:55.838 --> 00:20:00.206 was really interested in, you know, me being a student and everything and 00:20:00.239 --> 00:20:03.387 I think in December or January. 00:20:03.420 --> 00:20:08.936 She She contacted me and said, oh, I hear you're having a baby. That's so 00:20:08.969 --> 00:20:12.486 exciting and you know, do you wanna get together? And so we started 00:20:12.519 --> 00:20:18.206 hanging out. And she would take me on walks around the mall. And this was 00:20:18.239 --> 00:20:21.926 in the middle of winter in January, so we didn't really have anywhere else 00:20:21.959 --> 00:20:26.597 to go. So we would go to the mall and just walk around and talk and. You 00:20:26.630 --> 00:20:31.156 know, complain about our husbands or talk about the pregnancy and. She 00:20:31.189 --> 00:20:36.686 would bring her baby and everything. And so We would, we would do that in 00:20:36.719 --> 00:20:44.719 the winter, which was nice. And in February or end of January, beginning 00:20:44.880 --> 00:20:50.476 of February, my mom was planning on coming out for the birth. And my 00:20:50.509 --> 00:20:56.085 sister was as well. They were trying to sort of scatter their visits. 00:20:56.118 --> 00:21:01.416 And she said, oh I'll come out, you know, on the 15th, 19th or 15th or the 00:21:01.449 --> 00:21:08.065 19th or something, you know, closer to your due date. And I said, oh, I 00:21:08.098 --> 00:21:12.206 don't know if you should do that. She's like, what do you mean? I'm like, 00:21:12.239 --> 00:21:16.285 well, I think he might come earlier than that. She said, are you, are you 00:21:16.318 --> 00:21:21.186 sure? Like, it's your first pregnancy? Are you having any signs? And I 00:21:21.219 --> 00:21:26.456 said no, that's just my feeling like he just. He feels like he's just one 00:21:26.489 --> 00:21:31.397 of those babies who wants to. Get the job done. Like I'm just telling you 00:21:31.430 --> 00:21:37.269 that. And she said, OK, well, I'll just keep it for the 15th or whatever. 00:21:37.390 --> 00:21:39.390 And so I, I have this thing with the number 7. I just really love the 00:21:41.400 --> 00:21:47.956 number 7. So we got married on August 7th and that was intentional. And I 00:21:47.989 --> 00:21:53.456 thought I would really love for him to be born on the 7th. So I circled 00:21:53.489 --> 00:21:56.656 Circled the 7th on the calendar. 00:21:56.689 --> 00:22:00.535 And I think the 7th was a Thursday. 00:22:00.568 --> 00:22:04.506 It might have been a Thursday, Thursday or Friday. I thought it would be 00:22:04.539 --> 00:22:09.456 perfect if he was born on that Saturday. Which I think happened to be the 00:22:09.489 --> 00:22:13.236 9th or the 9th. 00:22:13.269 --> 00:22:17.795 And so I went along. Um, 00:22:17.828 --> 00:22:22.467 Just the rest of the pregnancy. I was tired of being pregnant. I just did 00:22:22.500 --> 00:22:26.585 not. I just didn't have a good experience the whole pregnancy. With 00:22:26.618 --> 00:22:31.756 everything going on. Um, were you big at this point? I mean, did you put 00:22:31.789 --> 00:22:36.276 on a lot of weight or no? I gained like 30 pounds, so I gained about the 00:22:36.309 --> 00:22:42.347 average amount of weight. I didn't feel super big or anything. Um, I think 00:22:42.380 --> 00:22:50.035 I felt. I mean, I felt sore. And I felt kind of like fatigued and. And 00:22:50.068 --> 00:22:54.147 tired, but I didn't feel. You know, I wasn't walking around like, oh God, 00:22:54.180 --> 00:22:59.347 I feel huge or anything like that, um. 00:22:59.380 --> 00:23:03.818 One time I came out of the bathroom and my husband was laying on the couch. 00:23:04.039 --> 00:23:06.039 And he's not a particularly eloquent person. And so he looks at me and he 00:23:08.910 --> 00:23:14.887 goes, you're like a whale. And I was like, excuse me, realize that I'm 00:23:14.920 --> 00:23:20.206 like 337 weeks pregnant, right? He was like, I, I mean, you're like a 00:23:20.239 --> 00:23:25.436 whale and you're really majestic and beautiful. I was like, OK, it's a 00:23:25.469 --> 00:23:30.456 good save, good save. But um, yeah, I, I didn't feel like super huge or 00:23:30.489 --> 00:23:37.456 anything. I just felt sore and irritated. And like I just wanted it to be 00:23:37.489 --> 00:23:40.956 to be done with. 00:23:40.989 --> 00:23:48.147 So I didn't have too many, um, you know, like Braxton Hicks or anything 00:23:48.180 --> 00:23:51.305 like that. I mean, I would have them occasionally, but I knew they, they 00:23:51.338 --> 00:23:57.526 weren't. They weren't in labor. Um So I didn't really have any like 00:23:57.559 --> 00:24:02.756 pre-labor or anything like that. My midwife checked me. I think this is 00:24:02.789 --> 00:24:05.186 probably. 00:24:05.219 --> 00:24:10.637 Maybe a week before he was born, something like that. And she, she checked 00:24:10.670 --> 00:24:15.756 me and I wasn't, I wasn't a face at all. I wasn't really dilated. My 00:24:15.789 --> 00:24:22.835 cervix was, was high. Um, Yeah, it might have been, you know, softer, but 00:24:22.868 --> 00:24:26.196 there weren't really any, any, any indications that I was going to go into 00:24:26.229 --> 00:24:29.377 labor anytime soon. 00:24:29.410 --> 00:24:32.887 And so it was. 00:24:32.920 --> 00:24:36.065 Let's see. 00:24:36.098 --> 00:24:39.065 I went to bed 00:24:39.098 --> 00:24:42.107 The night of the 7th. 00:24:42.140 --> 00:24:49.357 And I woke up at 2:30 in the morning. So technically the 8th. And I felt 00:24:49.390 --> 00:24:54.967 like period type cramps and I was really uncomfortable. 00:24:55.000 --> 00:24:59.246 And so I tried using the heating pad to see if they would go away or 00:24:59.279 --> 00:25:05.117 anything like that, and I couldn't sleep. And they weren't going away. So 00:25:05.150 --> 00:25:10.956 I thought, OK, I'll get up. And midwives, one thing that they, they tell 00:25:10.989 --> 00:25:15.877 you is if you're getting contractions and you're not sure if you're really 00:25:15.910 --> 00:25:19.276 in labor. 00:25:19.309 --> 00:25:24.825 Take a shower, take a warm shower, relax, have some tea. And if they slow 00:25:24.858 --> 00:25:29.825 down, you know, it might, it might not be time yet. If they stay the same 00:25:29.858 --> 00:25:35.776 or if they increase in intensity, you might be in labor. So that's what I 00:25:35.809 --> 00:25:42.256 did. I got up and I took a shower, took a long hot shower. 00:25:42.289 --> 00:25:50.289 And They started increasing in intensity in the shower. I was like, OK. I 00:25:50.430 --> 00:25:53.256 guess I might be in labor. 00:25:53.289 --> 00:25:59.397 So I got out and I let let David know. I think I might be in labor. And I 00:25:59.430 --> 00:26:02.456 put on Harry Potter. 00:26:02.489 --> 00:26:07.857 Because I had this crazy idea that I was going to get through all 7 or 7 00:26:07.890 --> 00:26:14.065 or 8 of the Harry Potter movies during my labor. And so I put on the first 00:26:14.098 --> 00:26:19.545 one and I just bounced on the ball, you know, the birth ball. And at that 00:26:19.578 --> 00:26:22.706 point I was just, you know, breathing through them or or whatever. They 00:26:22.739 --> 00:26:29.387 weren't super intense, but I. I let my midwife know. And I let her student 00:26:29.420 --> 00:26:36.686 know. And her student was coincidentally my old roommate. And 00:26:36.719 --> 00:26:42.936 I let my one classmate know who she was operating as my doula. And I let 00:26:42.969 --> 00:26:46.097 the other classmate know and she was going to be taking pictures of the 00:26:46.130 --> 00:26:50.295 birth. So there's a lot of people. 00:26:50.328 --> 00:26:55.357 So I hung out on the on the ball. 00:26:55.390 --> 00:27:02.315 And had I think I just had some yogurt or something. And so around I think 00:27:02.348 --> 00:27:07.325 probably It was 5 or 6 in the morning. They started getting a little more 00:27:07.358 --> 00:27:09.516 intense. 00:27:09.549 --> 00:27:15.555 And I felt it all in my back, all in my back. Like I, I felt a tightening 00:27:15.588 --> 00:27:21.706 , but nothing really in the front. Um, and my, my do list said, oh, well, 00:27:21.739 --> 00:27:26.217 just let me know whenever you need me and I'll I'll come. And so I think I 00:27:26.250 --> 00:27:34.075 messaged her around 8 and I said, I need you now. So she came 00:27:34.108 --> 00:27:39.926 And then later on, I think maybe not too long after that, maybe 2 hours 00:27:39.959 --> 00:27:47.959 later, the student midwife came. And then my the main midwife came. 00:27:48.959 --> 00:27:56.686 And David started blowing up the birth tub in the middle of the room. And 00:27:56.719 --> 00:28:00.127 They were making sure that the Harry Potter movies were still on, but at 00:28:00.160 --> 00:28:03.637 that point I just like was completely checked out. I had no idea which one 00:28:03.670 --> 00:28:09.906 we were on or what was even going on. And um so, so much for that idea. Um 00:28:09.939 --> 00:28:17.476 , so they were filling up the birth tub and. I was surprised at how, how 00:28:17.509 --> 00:28:20.236 intense they were. 00:28:20.269 --> 00:28:26.236 For me thinking so, you know, so early early on, and I thought, oh my gosh 00:28:26.269 --> 00:28:32.496 , I'm gonna have this baby soon cause these are getting really intense. 00:28:32.529 --> 00:28:36.946 And You know, I was talking to my midwife about it and we, you know, we 00:28:36.979 --> 00:28:39.717 made an agreement that. 00:28:39.750 --> 00:28:45.496 She wouldn't tell me. About the dilation and she wouldn't check unless she 00:28:45.529 --> 00:28:50.847 , she had good reason to. And we agreed that the only thing she would tell 00:28:50.880 --> 00:28:56.107 me was if I was less than 5 or more than 5. 00:28:56.140 --> 00:29:00.107 And so I don't think she checked for a while. 00:29:00.140 --> 00:29:05.285 And I tried eventually when the birth tub was set up, getting into the 00:29:05.318 --> 00:29:07.666 birth tub. 00:29:07.699 --> 00:29:12.967 And it was nice, but I had, you know, I had really, really horrible back 00:29:13.000 --> 00:29:19.147 labor and I knew it. In my head I was like, oh shit, I have back labors 00:29:19.180 --> 00:29:26.147 it's gonna be bad. Uh, because my mom, she's had 3 babies and. She had 00:29:26.180 --> 00:29:31.736 told me previously that she had had back labor with two of her kids. And I 00:29:31.769 --> 00:29:36.217 said, oh gosh, what did it feel like? I knew I, I had studied it and so 00:29:36.250 --> 00:29:40.897 people had described it as like a a knife in their sacrum, um, and just 00:29:40.930 --> 00:29:46.607 really, really painful stuff and. My mom had described it as a gremlin 00:29:46.640 --> 00:29:49.967 coming out of her butt. She was like, it feels like a gremlin's trying to 00:29:50.000 --> 00:29:54.416 come out of your butt. I was like, OK. 00:29:54.449 --> 00:30:01.285 And so this must have been. I mean, I have, I have some good memory of of 00:30:01.318 --> 00:30:05.486 the birth, but a lot of it is blurry too, just because I was in a lot of 00:30:05.519 --> 00:30:07.565 pain. 00:30:07.598 --> 00:30:11.426 Um, so this must have been. 00:30:11.459 --> 00:30:18.276 Into the evening of the 8th. So this is probably. 00:30:18.309 --> 00:30:23.847 56 p.m. somewhere around there. I had been in and out of the berth tub. Um 00:30:23.880 --> 00:30:29.397 , I liked the birth tub, but. I just, I felt like I had to move and I felt 00:30:29.430 --> 00:30:33.236 really claustrophobic and I felt like I couldn't move my body the way I 00:30:33.269 --> 00:30:40.607 wanted to in the tub. So I got out of the tub. And the one relief was a 00:30:40.640 --> 00:30:46.196 really, really hot shower, really, really scorching hot shower on my back. 00:30:46.229 --> 00:30:49.956 And even then it was horrendous, but that was the only thing that really 00:30:49.989 --> 00:30:54.656 seemed seemed to provide any sort of relief. 00:30:54.689 --> 00:31:00.956 And a few times, it was like a 2 hour period where I was just. Wanted to 00:31:00.989 --> 00:31:04.897 be done and I would just like look at my midwife and I was just like, I 00:31:04.930 --> 00:31:09.347 want to be done. I want to be done. She's like you, you'll be done 00:31:09.380 --> 00:31:14.075 eventually. And I, we were in the shower. David was in the shower with me 00:31:14.108 --> 00:31:18.276 and I kind of cornered him and I was like, I'm serious. I want to be done. 00:31:18.309 --> 00:31:22.956 Take me to the hospital. Take me. I want an epidural. He was like, well, 00:31:22.989 --> 00:31:28.916 why don't, why don't we wait? Let's let's wait a little longer. Um, and so 00:31:28.949 --> 00:31:33.637 that that went on for probably 2 hours of me of me saying, I want to be 00:31:33.670 --> 00:31:40.597 done, I want to be done. And this was during. The Blizzard Nemo too in 00:31:40.630 --> 00:31:47.847 2013, so it was, it was a blizzard outside. And 00:31:47.880 --> 00:31:51.315 I knew I didn't really want to go to the hospital, but I was in so much 00:31:51.348 --> 00:31:58.166 pain that I mean. At that point, you'll do anything. And my midwife said, 00:31:58.199 --> 00:32:03.325 You know we can transfer to the hospital if you want. But you're gonna be 00:32:03.358 --> 00:32:09.206 waiting a really long time because you're not a merchant. It's a snowstorm. 00:32:09.239 --> 00:32:12.686 It's a blizzard. They're not gonna get here in 5 minutes. You know, it's 00:32:12.719 --> 00:32:15.946 gonna be a while. 00:32:15.979 --> 00:32:21.186 So you know, we know that you want to be home, so let's try to be home. 00:32:21.219 --> 00:32:26.585 And so after, after our talk, I was like, OK, I'm just gonna do it. I'm 00:32:26.618 --> 00:32:31.766 gonna have this baby and I'm not gonna complain about it anymore. 00:32:31.799 --> 00:32:37.035 So I think it was around. 00:32:37.068 --> 00:32:42.936 It must have been around maybe 8 or 9 at night. Somewhere around there. 00:32:42.969 --> 00:32:47.166 And I was on the bed. I was laboring on the bed. 00:32:47.199 --> 00:32:50.717 And my midwife had checked me earlier and she said, you're less than 5, 00:32:50.750 --> 00:32:55.756 and I was like, oh fuck, you gotta be kidding me. 00:32:55.789 --> 00:33:02.717 And they said we we think that maybe the baby isn't in an optimal position. 00:33:02.750 --> 00:33:07.377 You know, we can't feel his head very well, you know. It could be that 00:33:07.410 --> 00:33:10.676 he's turned in a weird way. 00:33:10.709 --> 00:33:16.785 You know you're having a lot of back labor. I said, OK, so they decided 00:33:16.818 --> 00:33:22.647 that we were just gonna do a lot of position changes. And so I would do 00:33:22.680 --> 00:33:26.085 pancake flips on the bed, which is basically laying on my left side for 00:33:26.118 --> 00:33:32.367 contraction. Then laying on my right side. Then maybe standing up, hands 00:33:32.400 --> 00:33:39.107 and knees. I took stairs, took a lot of stairs. Um, at some point I was on 00:33:39.140 --> 00:33:45.805 the bed. And I said somebody call Amelia. Somebody get her down here and 00:33:45.838 --> 00:33:51.416 Amelia was the former client who had been taking walks with me in the mall. 00:33:51.449 --> 00:33:56.436 And so we called her the midwife caller. And said Bla is asking for you. 00:33:56.469 --> 00:34:00.717 Can you, can you come down and be with her? And she said, oh yeah, of 00:34:00.750 --> 00:34:06.545 course. So she, she had her dad drive her down in the middle of a blizzard. 00:34:06.578 --> 00:34:11.776 And she lived up north, so she lived probably 30-35 minutes up north. So 00:34:11.809 --> 00:34:17.610 she had her dad drive her down in the middle of a blizzard to be with me. 00:34:17.898 --> 00:34:19.898 And um when she got there, it was that was a relief. I felt like she. You 00:34:23.878 --> 00:34:28.026 know, she and I had been You know, walking a lot together and talking, and 00:34:28.059 --> 00:34:31.977 I had shared her birth with her, so I felt, I felt like kind of a special 00:34:32.010 --> 00:34:37.307 kinship with her. And so she helped me through it too, along with 00:34:37.340 --> 00:34:40.997 everybody else. It was good that I had a lot of people there because it 00:34:41.030 --> 00:34:45.836 was a really long labor and a really exhausting one for probably for the 00:34:45.869 --> 00:34:52.066 midwives, of course, for me too. And David, I don't think, slept at all. I 00:34:52.099 --> 00:34:58.706 think in 25 hours he didn't sleep. He was awake the entire time. 00:34:58.739 --> 00:35:04.327 So I did a lot of those position changes. 00:35:04.360 --> 00:35:10.077 For a really long time. And 00:35:10.110 --> 00:35:14.436 I had a bulging bag of water, so my my bag of waters was just kind of like 00:35:14.469 --> 00:35:18.736 hanging out there. And 00:35:18.769 --> 00:35:23.577 My midwife didn't want to rupture them because if she ruptured them, he 00:35:23.610 --> 00:35:26.327 wouldn't have as much cushion to turn and he might have stayed male 00:35:26.360 --> 00:35:30.066 positioned. He might have been, you know, might have stayed stuck. We 00:35:30.099 --> 00:35:36.646 don't, you know, we don't know. So she just kept it intact. 00:35:36.679 --> 00:35:41.827 And I remember I had a lot of like bloody show. Like during labor, it 00:35:41.860 --> 00:35:46.467 didn't, it didn't appear before labor like some women describe bloody show 00:35:46.500 --> 00:35:52.385 before they go into labor. I, I just had it through my labor. And my, my 00:35:52.418 --> 00:35:55.546 midwife would always say, oh, that's great bloody show, Laura. That's 00:35:55.579 --> 00:35:59.425 great. That means you're progressing. And I was just like, uh-huh, yeah, 00:35:59.458 --> 00:36:03.706 it's really great. Yay, you know, I was very I was very irritated about 00:36:03.739 --> 00:36:08.467 the whole, the whole thing. Um, 00:36:08.500 --> 00:36:10.956 And so 00:36:10.989 --> 00:36:17.307 It must have been around um probably 1111 p.m. midnight, things started 00:36:17.340 --> 00:36:20.247 finally picking up. 00:36:20.280 --> 00:36:22.425 And 00:36:22.458 --> 00:36:26.356 I forgot to mention this before, but. 00:36:26.389 --> 00:36:31.537 In retrospect, I had a premature urge to push from about 5 centimeters on 00:36:31.570 --> 00:36:35.026 because of the way his head was positioned. 00:36:35.059 --> 00:36:39.296 And so I wasn't nearly anywhere. I wasn't anywhere near ready to push, but 00:36:39.329 --> 00:36:44.445 I had this urge. And I knew that I had to blow through it and I couldn't 00:36:44.478 --> 00:36:48.646 push and I knew at that point that he wasn't positioned quite right, you 00:36:48.679 --> 00:36:52.945 know. And so I would just 00:36:52.978 --> 00:36:58.267 Like I did that so much. I didn't really scream. I didn't yell or anything. 00:36:58.300 --> 00:37:04.896 I didn't cry. I mean, maybe to in my head I felt louder, but everyone 00:37:04.929 --> 00:37:10.566 around me said that I was pretty quiet. Um, I was very internal, but I 00:37:10.599 --> 00:37:16.566 would, I would do that to sort of cope with having this like intense urge 00:37:16.599 --> 00:37:18.807 to push. 00:37:18.840 --> 00:37:23.706 And they describe in a lot of books how the urge to push is like throwing 00:37:23.739 --> 00:37:28.986 up in reverse. Like your body just like you feel your body having to do it 00:37:29.019 --> 00:37:33.506 and you, you have no other choice but to comply, like you have to. And 00:37:33.539 --> 00:37:37.146 that's exactly how pushing feels like needing to push. That's how it feels 00:37:37.179 --> 00:37:42.885 to me like. You get this feeling in your body and you just like you have 00:37:42.918 --> 00:37:48.376 to you have to go with it and not going with it felt really wrong, but I 00:37:48.409 --> 00:37:53.155 had to just blow through it. And then 00:37:53.188 --> 00:37:59.287 You know, finally around 11 or 12. I said, Susie, I'm, I feel, I feel like 00:37:59.320 --> 00:38:04.557 I really need to push. And she said, OK, well, let's labor a little longer 00:38:04.590 --> 00:38:08.006 , blow through it a little longer. 00:38:08.039 --> 00:38:12.706 And then in a little bit, I'll check you. I'll see what's going on and 00:38:12.739 --> 00:38:16.635 I'll feel. What's happening, you know, inside your body when you're 00:38:16.668 --> 00:38:19.977 pushing, because I don't want you to tear your cervix. I don't want you to 00:38:20.010 --> 00:38:25.776 push if it's ineffective. So let's wait a little bit. And so that was the 00:38:25.809 --> 00:38:32.195 most frustrating part was having to push so badly and not being able to. 00:38:32.228 --> 00:38:38.986 So I was laboring on the toilet. And I was having a contractions, a 00:38:39.019 --> 00:38:44.126 contraction and then all of a sudden. I felt something and I said, oh God 00:38:44.159 --> 00:38:49.626 , oh God, because for some reason I thought. 00:38:49.659 --> 00:38:55.767 Where were we? Oh, I was on the toilet. And I said, oh God, oh God, 00:38:55.800 --> 00:39:00.046 because I thought. Oh God, the baby's coming out really fast. I'm gonna 00:39:00.079 --> 00:39:04.756 have the baby on the toilet, but it was my waters. So they finally, they 00:39:04.789 --> 00:39:08.905 like bulged out and they just like broke while I was laying on the toilet 00:39:08.938 --> 00:39:15.816 , and David was right there and he was like, oh wow. And so After that, 00:39:15.849 --> 00:39:22.356 things, things picked up again. And this was, I don't know, I'm, I'm 00:39:22.389 --> 00:39:28.477 guesstimating because I honestly don't remember. I remember looking at He 00:39:28.510 --> 00:39:32.756 was born in the bedroom and so I remember being in the bedroom looking at 00:39:32.789 --> 00:39:36.436 David's clock and I had those big red numbers on it, and I remember 00:39:36.469 --> 00:39:43.557 looking at that clock. And So this must have been. 00:39:43.590 --> 00:39:49.747 1 a.m., 2 a.m. something like that. And so she checked me 00:39:49.780 --> 00:39:52.956 And she said, you're, you know, you're around 89. You've got a little bit 00:39:52.989 --> 00:39:56.836 , a little bit left. So if you feel like pushing, go ahead and push and 00:39:56.869 --> 00:40:01.686 I'll feel what's going on. And so I pushed and I was like, oh, it feels so 00:40:01.719 --> 00:40:03.776 great. 00:40:03.809 --> 00:40:08.066 And she said, OK, I think, you know, I don't think it's hurting anything. 00:40:08.099 --> 00:40:12.467 I think it's OK for you to push a little bit and, you know, to see what 00:40:12.500 --> 00:40:16.876 happens. I think it might be effective. 00:40:16.909 --> 00:40:21.276 And so after that point, I would just, if I felt the need to sort of bear 00:40:21.309 --> 00:40:28.796 down or push, I would, I would push. Which was a great relief. And that 00:40:28.829 --> 00:40:33.037 that was the best feeling. Like my labor was absolutely horrible. Like it 00:40:33.070 --> 00:40:39.236 was the worst. But I loved pushing. Pushing was like the greatest relief 00:40:39.269 --> 00:40:44.577 to me and it felt really good. So I was glad that I, I was allowed to push 00:40:44.610 --> 00:40:47.626 at that point. 00:40:47.659 --> 00:40:51.546 Um, I still had really bad back labor, but the fact that I could push 00:40:51.579 --> 00:40:54.276 through it was better. 00:40:54.309 --> 00:40:57.175 And so 00:40:57.208 --> 00:41:02.977 I was on the bed. I was, I was leaning up against the bed. 00:41:03.010 --> 00:41:07.186 And everyone was sort of around me, so I was, I was up against the bed and 00:41:07.219 --> 00:41:13.250 I had all these women around me and then I had David behind me over here. 00:41:13.500 --> 00:41:15.500 And 00:41:15.889 --> 00:41:21.396 I remember feeling like I had felt him drop. And so I squatted down on the 00:41:21.429 --> 00:41:25.956 side of the bed and as I was pushing, I reached my hand in and I felt his 00:41:25.989 --> 00:41:32.546 head move down and I thought, holy shit. I thought that's my baby's head. 00:41:32.579 --> 00:41:37.385 And so I told everybody I feel his head. I feel his head. And at that 00:41:37.418 --> 00:41:41.396 point I remember I started talking to him and I said, OK, come on, we can 00:41:41.429 --> 00:41:47.706 do this. Let's do this. We're almost done and And so I, I kept feeling as 00:41:47.739 --> 00:41:51.267 I was pushing because that was like my motivation, like I could feel his 00:41:51.300 --> 00:41:57.827 head coming down. And I turned around once I knew that, you know, it was 00:41:57.860 --> 00:42:03.425 getting to the point where he was going to be crowning and Amelia, my 00:42:03.458 --> 00:42:10.077 friend. Who had driven up to be with me. She was behind me. And David was 00:42:10.110 --> 00:42:14.586 next to me and the midwife was in front. 00:42:14.619 --> 00:42:20.217 And so yeah, he started crowning. And she had a mirror, so I could see in 00:42:20.250 --> 00:42:22.425 the mirror. 00:42:22.458 --> 00:42:28.686 And I was really quiet with the exception of one time when I was pushing, 00:42:28.719 --> 00:42:32.816 I said slow and steady wins the race. 00:42:32.849 --> 00:42:36.577 Just to, you know, I wanted to push probably a lot faster than I did, but 00:42:36.610 --> 00:42:43.046 I knew that I should, you know, take things slowly, so. I felt the ring of 00:42:43.079 --> 00:42:47.865 fire. That everybody talks about. 00:42:47.898 --> 00:42:54.289 And it was, it was pretty intense. It's a lot of stinging and stretching. 00:42:55.139 --> 00:42:57.139 And my midwife said later that she was really impressed that. I hadn't. I 00:43:02.918 --> 00:43:07.287 hadn't complained about it. I hadn't screamed about it. I didn't say 00:43:07.320 --> 00:43:11.767 anything. I just sort of pushed right on through it. 00:43:11.800 --> 00:43:15.816 And I did. I mean, I felt it and I was like, oh shit, that's really 00:43:15.849 --> 00:43:23.849 intense. That stings, but um I just pushed. And pushed and I pushed only 00:43:23.849 --> 00:43:27.796 for maybe 45 minutes. 00:43:27.829 --> 00:43:32.086 And soon his head was out. 00:43:32.119 --> 00:43:37.896 And she said, OK, well, whenever you're ready. You know, take your time. 00:43:37.929 --> 00:43:41.046 And I thought, I just want to be done. I just want to push this kid out. 00:43:41.079 --> 00:43:46.546 So I just like I just like barrelled him out. I pushed, pushed him out. 00:43:46.579 --> 00:43:50.115 And David caught him. 00:43:50.148 --> 00:43:54.546 And I remember David being nervous because he was, you know, holding his 00:43:54.579 --> 00:43:57.986 head, supporting his head, and he was worried that his fingers were in the 00:43:58.019 --> 00:44:03.316 baby's eyes. He's like, I don't, I don't want to poke him in the eye. Um, 00:44:03.349 --> 00:44:10.037 so he, he came out fast and. And they put them on me. And he started 00:44:10.070 --> 00:44:13.675 screaming right away. 00:44:13.708 --> 00:44:16.316 And 00:44:16.349 --> 00:44:21.595 I started, I was crying. And I looked, I looked at my friend who was the 00:44:21.628 --> 00:44:28.095 student midwife, she had helped. You know, catch him. With David and And I 00:44:28.128 --> 00:44:34.905 said, I just had a baby. She said that's right, you did, you did it. And I 00:44:34.938 --> 00:44:39.836 was just so overwhelmed. Um, that I, I looked at her and I was like. We 00:44:39.869 --> 00:44:42.365 just had a baby. 00:44:42.398 --> 00:44:47.675 And he And really dark hair. 00:44:47.708 --> 00:44:50.416 And he had definitely. 00:44:50.449 --> 00:44:58.449 Been Turned, he was ended up being OP so. Sunny side up essentially. 00:44:59.648 --> 00:45:04.885 And Possibly some other complications with him being sort of stuck in 00:45:04.918 --> 00:45:10.017 there for a while and so the entire right side of his face. He was really 00:45:10.050 --> 00:45:14.135 bruised and swollen. He could tell he'd been been through a lot trying to 00:45:14.168 --> 00:45:20.595 come out. Um, and so he was, he was crying a lot and. He had a bit of a 00:45:20.628 --> 00:45:24.896 shorter cord. Not anything to be concerned about, but where I couldn't 00:45:24.929 --> 00:45:31.865 hold him up. As high as I wanted to, so I was holding him lower and I kept 00:45:31.898 --> 00:45:35.635 pressuring my midwife to cut the cord too early, and I knew I didn't want 00:45:35.668 --> 00:45:38.836 to cut the cord, but I wanted my baby. She was like, well, we have to wait 00:45:38.869 --> 00:45:45.606 for the cord to stop. I was like, OK, OK, fine. And so We waited for the 00:45:45.639 --> 00:45:52.256 cord to stop and they cut in and they, you know, gave him to me. And um 00:45:52.289 --> 00:45:56.876 After a baby is born. In a home birth, they have blankets on the warmer, 00:45:56.909 --> 00:46:00.796 so they immediately put a blanket on him and put a hat on so he doesn't 00:46:00.829 --> 00:46:07.106 lose heat. And so they did that. And I was holding him and I was still 00:46:07.139 --> 00:46:14.396 squatting by the bed and I had had a small hemorrhage. Um Not, not like 00:46:14.429 --> 00:46:18.916 anything super concerning that I would go to the hospital for that would 00:46:18.949 --> 00:46:24.186 make me super lightheaded or anything, but more than average. And so they 00:46:24.219 --> 00:46:31.546 gave me a shot of Pitocin in my leg. And um did some massage just to try 00:46:31.579 --> 00:46:34.615 to get me to stop bleeding. 00:46:34.648 --> 00:46:39.807 And so I, I, the bleeding slowed down and then I, I delivered the placenta 00:46:39.840 --> 00:46:42.756 and that was fine. 00:46:42.789 --> 00:46:45.405 And 00:46:45.438 --> 00:46:48.287 Everything gets a little bit blurry after that, cause after that point 00:46:48.320 --> 00:46:52.967 you're like so exhausted and you're just like, oh my God, I just had a 00:46:53.000 --> 00:46:59.856 baby. It's over, it's done. Um, so he was born at 3:25. 00:46:59.889 --> 00:47:03.986 Am. On February 9th. 00:47:04.019 --> 00:47:10.546 Several weeks before his due date. At 38 weeks exactly. I was born at 38 00:47:10.579 --> 00:47:13.526 weeks exactly. 00:47:13.559 --> 00:47:18.787 And he picked up right away. 00:47:18.820 --> 00:47:21.026 And 00:47:21.059 --> 00:47:25.925 He didn't cry too much after, after the initial, after the birth. He 00:47:25.958 --> 00:47:29.077 quieted down after that. 00:47:29.110 --> 00:47:34.356 And In a home birth, after the birth and everything, they, the midwives 00:47:34.389 --> 00:47:39.405 just sort of get everything cleaned up. They get, they get mom cleaned up 00:47:39.438 --> 00:47:44.537 , so they got me cleaned up. 00:47:44.570 --> 00:47:49.756 They, the midwife, uh, took a look at, you know, if I had had any tearing 00:47:49.789 --> 00:47:52.467 or anything like that. 00:47:52.500 --> 00:47:55.885 And I think I had. 00:47:55.918 --> 00:48:02.006 I had a minor, I had a minor tear. I had like a first degree tear. Which 00:48:02.039 --> 00:48:06.606 is nothing much, it's just the skin. And then I had a really small area 00:48:06.639 --> 00:48:11.767 where it went to 2nd degree, which is a little bit into the muscle. And 00:48:11.800 --> 00:48:16.486 she said it's not too bad. She said, I can give you some stitches, but you 00:48:16.519 --> 00:48:23.727 know that. You know, it's not really gonna. Gonna do any good. It's just, 00:48:23.760 --> 00:48:26.287 if you're gonna be up and moving around a lot, I'd rather give you 00:48:26.320 --> 00:48:31.445 stitches, but if you can stay in bed with your legs closed and not take 00:48:31.478 --> 00:48:39.478 the stairs for 1 to 2 weeks. Then I, I won't stitch you up. And I said, 00:48:39.760 --> 00:48:43.405 Yeah, I'll just lay in bed. I'll do that though like, you know, it's so 00:48:43.438 --> 00:48:47.717 called lying in or whatever, so I did the lying in. I didn't have stitches. 00:48:47.750 --> 00:48:54.166 Uh, mostly Mostly because it really hurt like it stung after you just had 00:48:54.199 --> 00:48:58.526 a baby and everything's swollen and everything sensitive. And you know 00:48:58.559 --> 00:49:03.566 they have to examine everything and that was, that was the one time that I 00:49:03.599 --> 00:49:09.287 just started yelling out. You know, expletives and have this and that and 00:49:09.320 --> 00:49:15.405 shit and like I hadn't uttered a single cuss word the entire labor, the 00:49:15.438 --> 00:49:19.776 entire birth, and then afterward, I was just like, I don't. Last thing I 00:49:19.809 --> 00:49:25.416 want is you to try to stick something sharp there. So let's just not do 00:49:25.449 --> 00:49:31.336 that. So yeah, I said I'll do the lying in. 00:49:31.369 --> 00:49:37.546 And so they got me situated and they weighed him. And he was 7 pounds 2 00:49:37.579 --> 00:49:43.017 ounces. 18 inches long. 00:49:43.050 --> 00:49:47.267 And I don't remember his head's circumference, but 00:49:47.300 --> 00:49:53.767 Uh, his, his Apgar scores were fine, I think 889, 10. I don't, I don't 00:49:53.800 --> 00:49:58.767 remember those very well. And 00:49:58.800 --> 00:50:03.526 They got me a sandwich to eat. They got me food, water. 00:50:03.559 --> 00:50:08.037 Made sure the bleeding was under control. 00:50:08.070 --> 00:50:13.517 And David was just over, over on the bed already snoring. He was just like 00:50:13.550 --> 00:50:18.829 so exhausted. He was like, OK, the baby's here. I can just, I can be done. 00:50:19.000 --> 00:50:21.000 And so I'm holding the baby and I'm really excited. I'm like, hey, David, 00:50:23.188 --> 00:50:25.717 do you want do you want to name him? You know, you wanna talk about names 00:50:25.750 --> 00:50:30.316 ? And he was like, no. And so he just turned over again and and fell 00:50:30.349 --> 00:50:36.956 asleep. And the last thing I remember from that. That period is the 00:50:36.989 --> 00:50:42.267 midwives above me as I was laying down with with the baby. Talking to me 00:50:42.300 --> 00:50:47.385 about instructions. You know, if you feel this, if you see this, if the 00:50:47.418 --> 00:50:52.057 baby does this, this is normal, this isn't, give us a call. We'll be back 00:50:52.090 --> 00:50:57.416 in the morning. Um, that kind of thing, and I remember my, my eyes were 00:50:57.449 --> 00:51:03.175 just like I was falling asleep and they were like, OK, we're gonna go. And 00:51:03.208 --> 00:51:07.186 so they set down the instructions and everything and. 00:51:07.219 --> 00:51:10.925 Um, everybody left. 00:51:10.958 --> 00:51:15.456 I don't remember if my doula stayed or if she went home. 00:51:15.489 --> 00:51:19.345 I think she she might have stayed. I don't remember. 00:51:19.378 --> 00:51:25.166 But yeah, eventually I, I fell asleep and so we all slept. 00:51:25.199 --> 00:51:31.557 And did you put him to your breast right away? Did he nurse or? um. When 00:51:31.590 --> 00:51:34.146 he was born. 00:51:34.179 --> 00:51:40.345 They tried to get him to nurse. But it wasn't, it wasn't really happening. 00:51:40.378 --> 00:51:45.477 And they tried to get him to nurse again before before they left. And he 00:51:45.510 --> 00:51:51.385 did a little bit But not very much. He's just sort of slept. 00:51:51.418 --> 00:51:56.497 I mean, I didn't, I didn't think too much, too much of it at the time. Um 00:51:56.530 --> 00:52:01.747 , so yeah, we slept all through the night. And I kept him, you know, on my 00:52:01.780 --> 00:52:05.106 chest with me. 00:52:05.139 --> 00:52:07.537 And 00:52:07.570 --> 00:52:13.736 In the morning the midwives. Came back, took a look at us. 00:52:13.769 --> 00:52:18.767 I remember David was in the room and I said, OK, so do you wanna talk 00:52:18.800 --> 00:52:24.566 about names now? Um, because I've, I've always been really into baby names 00:52:24.599 --> 00:52:30.385 and so we, we had this long list of names. 00:52:30.418 --> 00:52:35.767 And I had gone through a few names during the pregnancy that I was 00:52:35.800 --> 00:52:42.296 attached to. Um, I think for a while I was really attached to Henry. 00:52:42.329 --> 00:52:46.666 And we talked about Alexander. 00:52:46.699 --> 00:52:54.615 And Isaac was one of our big ones. And that day after his birth, it was 00:52:54.648 --> 00:52:58.526 between Isaac and Ramsey. 00:52:58.559 --> 00:53:00.717 And 00:53:00.750 --> 00:53:06.345 And he said, OK, well, what about Isaac? And I looked at him and I said. 00:53:06.378 --> 00:53:09.885 I don't know if he's really an Isaac. 00:53:09.918 --> 00:53:17.595 And he said, Ramsey. And I looked at him and I thought. Yeah, OK. And I 00:53:17.628 --> 00:53:21.595 said, Ramsey David, you know, for the middle name, and he said, yeah, sure. 00:53:21.628 --> 00:53:25.945 I said, OK, we got a baby name. 00:53:25.978 --> 00:53:32.195 So after we named him. I took a picture. And I remember he was wearing 00:53:32.228 --> 00:53:36.115 like a lime green baby hat, and he was sleeping and his hair was really 00:53:36.148 --> 00:53:40.276 dark. He looked very Middle Eastern, and Ramsey is my father's name and my 00:53:40.309 --> 00:53:43.006 father's from Lebanon. 00:53:43.039 --> 00:53:49.006 And And I thought, oh yeah, that fits perfectly. And so I sent the picture 00:53:49.039 --> 00:53:54.756 to to everybody and I said, Ramsey David Bell. 00:53:54.789 --> 00:53:57.206 And 00:53:57.239 --> 00:54:01.615 I remember my dad was. 00:54:01.648 --> 00:54:07.497 He wasn't, he wasn't like. Super excited, but he was like, oh, you named 00:54:07.530 --> 00:54:11.217 him Ramsey, you know, it kind of it kind of took my dad a while to get 00:54:11.250 --> 00:54:15.807 used to the idea that there was a baby named after him. 00:54:15.840 --> 00:54:23.840 Um, and he. My dad, he, um, he didn't like the name Isaac. Because he said 00:54:24.398 --> 00:54:28.997 , oh well, that's a Hebrew name. Remember you're you're Lebanese. And I 00:54:29.030 --> 00:54:34.936 was like, well, David's a Hebrew name too. It's not a big deal. But I 00:54:34.969 --> 00:54:40.336 remember that. And I remember thinking Oh gosh, if we, we had named him 00:54:40.369 --> 00:54:44.267 Isaac, my dad would have been mad. I'm sure he would have gotten over it. 00:54:44.300 --> 00:54:46.747 But 00:54:46.780 --> 00:54:53.376 Um, yeah, so we name from Ramsey. And 00:54:53.409 --> 00:54:56.736 My mom switched her flight. 00:54:56.769 --> 00:55:00.885 Um, I think it was David or someone else that had let her know that I was 00:55:00.918 --> 00:55:08.776 in labor. You know, Way before anybody had anticipated. And so she 00:55:08.809 --> 00:55:12.717 switched her flight and she came in. 00:55:12.750 --> 00:55:17.977 I think she came in on the 12th. So pretty soon afterwards, she was able 00:55:18.010 --> 00:55:23.986 to change her flight and come in and. And be with us. 00:55:24.019 --> 00:55:26.747 And 00:55:26.780 --> 00:55:32.577 That that was when things started getting more difficult because he. 00:55:32.610 --> 00:55:35.865 Wasn't nursing very well. 00:55:35.898 --> 00:55:41.057 And it really, really hurt when he nursed. It was really, really painful 00:55:41.090 --> 00:55:45.896 and it felt like he was just like chomping on my nipple and. It wasn't 00:55:45.929 --> 00:55:50.095 working and so every time I would latch him on, I would like wince in 00:55:50.128 --> 00:55:54.247 anticipation of this horrible pain. 00:55:54.280 --> 00:55:57.336 And 00:55:57.369 --> 00:56:04.046 So our newborn, our newborn phase was. Really fraught with confusion and 00:56:04.079 --> 00:56:10.396 difficulty and. I think 3 days after he was born. The midwives, they come 00:56:10.429 --> 00:56:15.626 1 day after birth, 3 days a week. 00:56:15.659 --> 00:56:22.146 And I think 4 weeks. So they come multiple times and they came 3 days 00:56:22.179 --> 00:56:28.227 after he was born. And he was down to. 00:56:28.260 --> 00:56:32.666 6 pounds. 00:56:32.699 --> 00:56:36.206 6 pounds, 4 ounces. 00:56:36.239 --> 00:56:42.517 Um, so he had lost nearly 1 pound. And that's it, you know, it's normal 00:56:42.550 --> 00:56:48.155 for newborns to lose weight, but he had lost way too much weight. That's 00:56:48.188 --> 00:56:51.776 why I was really, really upset and really anxious and I didn't know what 00:56:51.809 --> 00:56:55.717 was going on. I didn't know what was wrong and I had. I remembered sitting 00:56:55.750 --> 00:57:00.046 and having a conversation with my friend. Who had been at the birth one of 00:57:00.079 --> 00:57:02.356 my classmates. 00:57:02.389 --> 00:57:05.675 I'm saying, do you think he has a tongue tie? Is that, is that what's 00:57:05.708 --> 00:57:11.776 going on? She says, well, I don't see anything, so I'm not sure. You know 00:57:11.809 --> 00:57:16.577 , I, I thought that initially, but I don't see anything and. 00:57:16.610 --> 00:57:21.606 After my mom had been there a while, she, she had nursed 3 babies, and she 00:57:21.639 --> 00:57:24.615 looked at him and she looked at me and she said, he's not, he's not 00:57:24.648 --> 00:57:31.445 nursing, right? Something's wrong. And 00:57:31.478 --> 00:57:38.086 I remember feeling really alarmed, but. I feel like the the midwives. They 00:57:38.119 --> 00:57:41.445 didn't do anything wrong, but they, they were really relaxed about it and 00:57:41.478 --> 00:57:46.186 they were maybe more relaxed than. Than I would have liked, definitely 00:57:46.219 --> 00:57:49.666 more than my mom would have liked, but she was, you know, she's a retired 00:57:49.699 --> 00:57:54.856 nurse and. Very You know, wants to be very diligent about everything, so 00:57:54.889 --> 00:57:59.526 she was very on, she wanted to be very on top of it, and I was just. I 00:57:59.559 --> 00:58:05.236 hadn't slept and he cried all the time in the first week. They think also 00:58:05.269 --> 00:58:10.747 because he had a headache, probably be from his face being being smushed. 00:58:10.780 --> 00:58:15.026 And he was hungry And he just cried and cried and cried and I tried to 00:58:15.059 --> 00:58:20.106 nurse him and he would still cry and he would hurt and he kept losing 00:58:20.139 --> 00:58:25.876 weight and so it was really, really difficult. And So we I started 00:58:25.909 --> 00:58:32.517 supplementing. I would pump and give him some just in a syringe. And we 00:58:32.550 --> 00:58:37.827 also tried a little bit of formula just to get him fed. And so he 00:58:37.860 --> 00:58:40.967 developed like really bad jaundice. 00:58:41.000 --> 00:58:48.686 And it it stuck around for. A good length of time, maybe 3 weeks, 4 weeks. 00:58:48.719 --> 00:58:51.997 And when he was 2 weeks old. 00:58:52.030 --> 00:58:56.727 I made an appointment with a lactation consultant. Um, someone had 00:58:56.760 --> 00:58:59.135 recommended her. 00:58:59.168 --> 00:59:04.227 And she came by and she watched him nurse and she looked at his mouth and 00:59:04.260 --> 00:59:08.615 she said he has, yeah, he has a dunk die. 00:59:08.648 --> 00:59:16.175 Uh, tongue tie is when the, the skin on, on the underside of your tongue, 00:59:16.208 --> 00:59:23.316 the the frenum or frenulum is too tight or too restrictive. And uh babies 00:59:23.349 --> 00:59:29.986 need a lot of. A lot of uh. Movement in their tongues to properly 00:59:30.019 --> 00:59:34.776 breastfeed, and he didn't have that movement. He wasn't able to really get 00:59:34.809 --> 00:59:39.425 the breast in his mouth like he needed to, and he also had a an upper lip 00:59:39.458 --> 00:59:45.095 tie. Which meant that he couldn't create a seal around the breast like he 00:59:45.128 --> 00:59:50.787 needed to to breastfeed, and so he would constantly fall off. He would, he 00:59:50.820 --> 00:59:54.865 would nurse for maybe a few minutes and then he would fall asleep and fall 00:59:54.898 --> 01:00:00.566 off because he couldn't, he just couldn't keep the rest in his mouth. 01:00:00.599 --> 01:00:08.405 So we tried for a long time to get him to nurse. And I tried getting his 01:00:08.438 --> 01:00:14.345 tongue clipped at a doctor in town. I don't think he clipped it and quite 01:00:14.378 --> 01:00:18.916 enough though, and so we saw a lot of, a lot of difficulty. 01:00:18.949 --> 01:00:25.086 And so we visited a doctor in Boston. To try to get his tongue lasered. So 01:00:25.119 --> 01:00:30.175 she lasered it and lasered the upper lip tie. 01:00:30.208 --> 01:00:34.747 And immediately afterward, it did feel better, like he nursed and it did, 01:00:34.780 --> 01:00:41.686 I did feel a difference. Um, but It didn't last very long. We still had a 01:00:41.719 --> 01:00:47.046 lot of difficulty nursing, so I just kept pumping and feeding him however 01:00:47.079 --> 01:00:51.675 I could feed him. And I was just, I was, you know, I was only sleeping 2 01:00:51.708 --> 01:00:58.695 hours a night. I was pumping a lot. My husband was. 01:00:58.728 --> 01:01:04.635 I don't know. Didn't really know how to deal with it, I guess, and. He was 01:01:04.668 --> 01:01:12.396 working and He said He said, well, you're going to Arizona to see your mom. 01:01:12.429 --> 01:01:15.717 Why don't you just go for a month? Why don't you go for a longer period 01:01:15.750 --> 01:01:21.247 of time? I I don't, I can't support you. Essentially is what he said, he 01:01:21.280 --> 01:01:29.280 said. I can't help you. So, did he mean emotionally? Yeah, he just meant 01:01:29.429 --> 01:01:32.436 he meant that. 01:01:32.469 --> 01:01:39.767 He couldn't do it emotionally. He couldn't do it physically. He 01:01:39.800 --> 01:01:47.276 He wasn't coping very well. With the lack of sleep, with worrying about 01:01:47.309 --> 01:01:49.557 everything. 01:01:49.590 --> 01:01:54.845 He, he made enough money that he could have taken off work, but he refused. 01:01:54.878 --> 01:01:58.467 He, he had promised me after the baby was born that he would take a week 01:01:58.500 --> 01:02:06.086 off work and then two days later, he said, oh, can I take a client? And I 01:02:06.119 --> 01:02:11.236 think to this day that's something I still resent him for is that. 01:02:11.269 --> 01:02:16.467 I felt really abandoned. And I felt really alone. 01:02:16.500 --> 01:02:21.727 And I was really mad about that. 01:02:21.760 --> 01:02:26.626 That he didn't, that he didn't follow through on his promise that he 01:02:26.659 --> 01:02:31.506 started working way sooner and he thought. He said later he thought, oh, I 01:02:31.539 --> 01:02:38.787 thought it was OK cause your mom was here. You know, Uh, but So I went to 01:02:38.820 --> 01:02:45.557 Arizona by myself with a seven week old who had just had tongue surgery. 01:02:45.590 --> 01:02:53.590 And on a drive back back to Maine. From Boston You know, he wasn't, he 01:02:53.648 --> 01:02:58.086 wasn't able to nurse quite right yet and. 01:02:58.119 --> 01:03:04.046 I was pumping and I had a manual pump and my boobs were just like killing 01:03:04.079 --> 01:03:08.916 me. And I was driving and I just started pumping while I was driving with 01:03:08.949 --> 01:03:14.376 a manual pump, which I don't recommend doing. Because sometimes when you 01:03:14.409 --> 01:03:19.217 nurse or when you pump. You get that that influx of hormones and it makes 01:03:19.250 --> 01:03:24.017 you really sleepy. And so I was pumping and I was already tired and so I 01:03:24.050 --> 01:03:29.336 got that. I, I got the letdown and I got really sleepy. I was like, well 01:03:29.369 --> 01:03:32.706 this is really dangerous. 01:03:32.739 --> 01:03:36.626 But I remember that vividly, that was right before I left for Arizona. I 01:03:36.659 --> 01:03:40.997 mean so I packed up, got on a plane. 01:03:41.030 --> 01:03:47.606 I had like I had my pump and I would pump when I could. And then I had a 01:03:47.639 --> 01:03:51.967 cooler or a lunch box full of like formula and stuff like that and bottles 01:03:52.000 --> 01:03:56.287 and. And everything 01:03:56.320 --> 01:04:01.736 And I was, I mean, I was a new mom and he still wasn't nursing quite right 01:04:01.769 --> 01:04:07.217 , so it was just so difficult to travel. And I felt really self-conscious 01:04:07.250 --> 01:04:11.115 about pumping. And I thought, how the hell am I supposed to do this? I'm 01:04:11.148 --> 01:04:16.037 in an airplane. I have nowhere to put my newborn, and my boobs are gonna 01:04:16.070 --> 01:04:18.256 explode. 01:04:18.289 --> 01:04:23.456 What am I doing? And luckily I sat next to this really nice man who to 01:04:23.489 --> 01:04:28.537 this day I remember, I remember him. And he said, if you need to pump, 01:04:28.570 --> 01:04:33.356 I'll I'll hold the baby. If if you, if you need anything, let me know. And 01:04:33.389 --> 01:04:38.827 he was a really nice Mormon guy. And he said, oh yeah, I know I have, I 01:04:38.860 --> 01:04:45.675 have 3 or 4 kids. I, I know how it is. And And so I took him up on that. 01:04:45.708 --> 01:04:49.497 And I said, would you mind holding him? He said, Oh yeah, of course. So he 01:04:49.530 --> 01:04:56.537 held Ramsey while I pumped. And I just felt so so grateful for him. And 01:04:56.570 --> 01:05:01.675 that was really nice. I wish I remembered his name, but. 01:05:01.708 --> 01:05:06.436 Like people, sometimes people surprise you and traveling with a newborn. I 01:05:06.469 --> 01:05:12.037 , I remember like those little, those little bits of kindness that that 01:05:12.070 --> 01:05:19.467 people extend you. Um, so I, that was a glaring memory for me. 01:05:19.500 --> 01:05:27.077 So I, I got to Arizona. And he was 7 weeks, 7 or 8 weeks at this point. 01:05:27.110 --> 01:05:31.916 And it was just still really hard. He started having a lot of reflux 01:05:31.949 --> 01:05:37.557 problems too. So he would just be eating and then he would just like. 01:05:37.590 --> 01:05:43.796 vomit everywhere all over me like soaking my pants. And he would vomit in 01:05:43.829 --> 01:05:47.115 his sleep, which was terrifying, which he still does that actually 01:05:47.148 --> 01:05:50.956 sometimes. So I'm a really light sleeper to this day. If he coughs or 01:05:50.989 --> 01:05:56.195 makes a noise or anything, I'm up and I have him up and I'm ready for, I'm 01:05:56.228 --> 01:06:03.166 ready for like the vomit and like. Like that emotional trigger of. The 01:06:03.199 --> 01:06:08.445 baby letting out this high pitched squeal and just vomiting everywhere. Um 01:06:08.478 --> 01:06:13.767 , so it was difficult, and he still wasn't nursing quite, quite right. He 01:06:13.800 --> 01:06:17.066 wasn't getting a lot. I would still nurse him because I liked, I wanted 01:06:17.099 --> 01:06:19.856 him to nurse. 01:06:19.889 --> 01:06:25.577 But with his reflux and everything, the breast milk made it worse. 01:06:25.610 --> 01:06:29.017 Because it was so thin or for whatever reason, he just couldn't handle it 01:06:29.050 --> 01:06:34.195 and. So I, I had started slowly switching over to formula and just still 01:06:34.228 --> 01:06:41.856 pumping. And I was really feeling guilty about. Potentially stopping Uh 01:06:41.889 --> 01:06:45.057 breastfeeding and everything and. 01:06:45.090 --> 01:06:48.776 And eventually I, you know, I talked to my mom about it and she's like, I 01:06:48.809 --> 01:06:53.646 think you should have stopped. A long time ago. It's just not healthy for 01:06:53.679 --> 01:06:59.827 you. You're not sleeping. You're worried, you're in pain. He's in pain, 01:06:59.860 --> 01:07:05.287 you know, do what you have to do. It's you're not a failure. It's OK, so. 01:07:05.320 --> 01:07:11.166 I went through a lot of emotions with that, dealing with that, and before 01:07:11.199 --> 01:07:15.445 we had left for Arizona, I had wanted my doctor to prescribe me a 01:07:15.478 --> 01:07:19.327 Domperidone. It's supposed to increase milk supply with his tongue tie, he 01:07:19.360 --> 01:07:24.316 couldn't do that himself. And so I had been taking that. And so right when 01:07:24.349 --> 01:07:28.997 I had decided that I was gonna stop all of a sudden I had this like huge 01:07:29.030 --> 01:07:33.595 increase in my supply and I was wearing like. You know, I come from a 01:07:33.628 --> 01:07:41.296 family of women who have big breasts and so. I'm normally like a D and I 01:07:41.329 --> 01:07:46.175 was wearing like a G bra and my boobs were huge and painful and I was like 01:07:46.208 --> 01:07:52.217 , oh my gosh, these figures like I'm pumping like probably 67 ounces out 01:07:52.250 --> 01:07:58.126 of each breast. And now I just I just decided to stop. This is gonna be 01:07:58.159 --> 01:08:02.026 horrible. It was a horrible experience. 01:08:02.059 --> 01:08:08.155 So I had cold, you know, cold cabbage in my bra. And breast pads and I 01:08:08.188 --> 01:08:12.316 would pump just enough to like relieve the pressure. And it was just like 01:08:12.349 --> 01:08:18.196 I got those sharp, sharp pains like from drying up or from the milk not 01:08:18.229 --> 01:08:23.956 being expressed and I just remember feeling so gross like I remember 01:08:23.989 --> 01:08:29.357 feeling like chubby and like I smelled like sour milk. And then I had this 01:08:29.390 --> 01:08:34.647 kid who was just vomiting all over me and. It was just a mess, it was such 01:08:34.680 --> 01:08:40.536 a mess. And then I had to fly to California from Arizona for my dad's 01:08:40.569 --> 01:08:45.036 wedding. And like be presentable. 01:08:45.069 --> 01:08:50.595 And I was happy to be there for my dad's wedding. Um, I love my dad and I 01:08:50.628 --> 01:08:54.946 have a really good relationship with with my stepmom. 01:08:54.979 --> 01:08:59.737 And so I was really happy about the wedding, but I was so tired. I was 01:08:59.770 --> 01:09:04.777 running on 2 hours of sleep. I was, you know, at that point, everything 01:09:04.810 --> 01:09:07.897 had started to feel a little bit better in terms of me drying up, so that 01:09:07.930 --> 01:09:14.126 wasn't too much of an issue. But I had this newborn with reflux and. All 01:09:14.159 --> 01:09:19.126 my other family were from Canada. They, they were living in Canada. So I 01:09:19.159 --> 01:09:23.006 was the only one qualified to drive the rental car. I was like, you expect 01:09:23.039 --> 01:09:27.925 me to drive a fucking rental car around California? With my baby screaming 01:09:27.958 --> 01:09:33.406 in the backseat, it was just like, it was so much to deal with. Um, but 01:09:33.439 --> 01:09:39.206 somehow I I managed to look presentable. At my dad's wedding. And 01:09:39.239 --> 01:09:43.996 everybody loved Ramsey. He, he was 8 weeks by then and. 01:09:44.029 --> 01:09:48.987 The minute he could smile, that's all he did. He was. One of those babies 01:09:49.020 --> 01:09:53.777 that people say, oh. He looks like he knows what's going on, you know, he 01:09:53.810 --> 01:09:58.095 was always looking around and engaging with people and smiling and 01:09:58.128 --> 01:10:05.135 laughing and. Charming the photographer at the wedding and. And so he was 01:10:05.168 --> 01:10:08.706 , he was a cute baby. 01:10:08.739 --> 01:10:14.036 But it was it was very difficult and David didn't come with me and my dad 01:10:14.069 --> 01:10:21.116 was really mad about that. Um, and my dad said. No, he should have come to 01:10:21.149 --> 01:10:25.866 help you. It's not right that you're here by yourself. 01:10:25.899 --> 01:10:32.086 And I said, well, I can't, there's nothing I can do about it. And my dad 01:10:32.119 --> 01:10:37.696 was dropping me off at the airport to go back to Arizona. And I could tell 01:10:37.729 --> 01:10:41.536 my dad's not a very like outwardly emotional guy, but I could tell he was 01:10:41.569 --> 01:10:47.067 very worried. And he said, OK, you got everything, and I said, I got 01:10:47.100 --> 01:10:52.616 everything. I'm OK, Dad. OK, I'll be OK. And he looked and he looked at me 01:10:52.649 --> 01:10:58.015 and shook his head and he said. You're a tough woman. 01:10:58.048 --> 01:11:04.147 I said thanks, Dad. And um so I got back on the plane and. Went back to 01:11:04.180 --> 01:11:12.180 Arizona And I feel like I mean. Like I mentioned before, I, I still have a 01:11:12.899 --> 01:11:19.067 little bit of a resentment towards my now ex-husband. About, you know. 01:11:19.100 --> 01:11:25.576 Essentially abandoning me. Uh during that time. 01:11:25.609 --> 01:11:31.866 But at the same time it was like. It was a sort of a whole experience that 01:11:31.899 --> 01:11:36.196 just completely shifted my world. 01:11:36.229 --> 01:11:42.406 And I hadn't before that time I had really struggled in. Like my personal 01:11:42.439 --> 01:11:48.467 relationships, romantic relationships in life in general. And it was at 01:11:48.500 --> 01:11:53.006 that point that I reached a turning point and I realized. 01:11:53.039 --> 01:11:59.425 That I would be able to get through anything in life, you know, if I, I 01:11:59.458 --> 01:12:04.467 can take care of this baby and myself alone with all of these things going 01:12:04.500 --> 01:12:10.095 on and I'm OK, like I'll be OK no matter what happens to me. And so even 01:12:10.128 --> 01:12:15.687 though I, I still sometimes carry that resentment, I feel like. I, I built 01:12:15.720 --> 01:12:21.805 such a pillar of strength around that time too. Um, that You know, has 01:12:21.838 --> 01:12:28.687 carried me through a lot of other difficult times. So that was That was 01:12:28.720 --> 01:12:31.217 character building. 01:12:31.250 --> 01:12:34.076 I was gonna ask you what you think when you reflect back on that 01:12:34.109 --> 01:12:37.916 experience, but you pretty much summed it up right there, I would think, 01:12:37.949 --> 01:12:45.949 you know. Yeah, I mean, I think for me anyway. I mean finding out I was 01:12:46.020 --> 01:12:51.666 pregnant and I was going to have a baby did change me a little bit, but it 01:12:51.699 --> 01:12:59.699 wasn't until he was born. That baby is born. And I like it changes you. It 01:13:00.199 --> 01:13:06.256 changed me. It just everything the world just like shifted. 01:13:06.289 --> 01:13:10.487 And I had realized like all these mistakes that I had made in my life or 01:13:10.520 --> 01:13:15.656 all these horrible decisions that I had made and. And You know, everything 01:13:15.689 --> 01:13:19.885 that I had wanted to do differently and. Yeah, it just it completely 01:13:19.918 --> 01:13:25.425 shifted my world. It, it was crazy. 01:13:25.458 --> 01:13:29.696 Yeah. And now you're living here in Arizona. Are you still with your 01:13:29.729 --> 01:13:35.687 mother? Uh, no, I, I, I still live in Mesa. I live down the street and we 01:13:35.720 --> 01:13:41.836 live close to her, um, just so she can drop Ramsey at school. And Ramsey's 01:13:41.869 --> 01:13:46.036 dad recently moved here about a month ago. And so he, he takes him to 01:13:46.069 --> 01:13:51.946 school 3 days a week too, and Ramsey spends, you know, 1 night a week with 01:13:51.979 --> 01:13:57.385 him and then one night on the weekends and. So that's been 01:13:57.418 --> 01:14:01.726 Ever since his dad got here, that's been a relief. To not be doing 01:14:01.759 --> 01:14:07.717 everything on my own. Which I know I can do it, but it's physically and 01:14:07.750 --> 01:14:14.376 emotionally exhausting to. You know, work as much as I do and try to take 01:14:14.409 --> 01:14:18.626 care of him and everything else and. So it's nice to have his dad here 01:14:18.659 --> 01:14:23.996 finally to. To pick up a little bit of that. When did you get divorced? 01:14:24.029 --> 01:14:29.487 Last year in November, we separated and. Um, actually a couple weeks after 01:14:29.520 --> 01:14:35.317 our anniversary, we separated, filed, we filed in September and It was 01:14:35.350 --> 01:14:41.786 finalized in November. Beginning of November. 01:14:41.819 --> 01:14:48.737 Yeah, that's it, you know, we've heard a lot of um. A lot of stories where 01:14:48.770 --> 01:14:54.336 birth really complicates the relationship, you know, and it seems to bring 01:14:54.369 --> 01:14:58.876 out. You know, not to be cliche, but someone's true colors, you know, and 01:14:58.909 --> 01:15:05.187 , and kind of forces your hand a little bit in terms of making decisions. 01:15:05.220 --> 01:15:08.726 Any time your child's involved, it's like. 01:15:08.759 --> 01:15:15.746 Yeah. And new challenge. Yeah, it was, it was definitely rough. And You 01:15:15.779 --> 01:15:19.107 know, after that and after we, you know, we got back from Arizona and 01:15:19.140 --> 01:15:23.265 Ramsey was a couple months old and everything and. It didn't really get 01:15:23.298 --> 01:15:29.166 any better, I mean. I essentially felt like a single mom from the very 01:15:29.199 --> 01:15:35.196 beginning. Um, he worked all the time. I was home with Ramsey until he was 01:15:35.229 --> 01:15:42.446 18 months. So I did everything. Um, I mean, which is, you know, it's 01:15:42.479 --> 01:15:48.147 common. I, I guess, or I think for stay at home moms to do a lot of that, 01:15:48.180 --> 01:15:50.217 but. 01:15:50.250 --> 01:15:53.237 I just felt like. 01:15:53.270 --> 01:15:59.706 I just felt like he wasn't really super engaged ever. And it wasn't until. 01:15:59.739 --> 01:16:05.956 It wasn't until we separated and got divorced. That he really started to. 01:16:05.989 --> 01:16:12.397 Engage with Ramsey a little bit more. Uh, before that, he didn't really. 01:16:12.430 --> 01:16:16.116 He would just kind of be in his own world and he would be in one world in 01:16:16.149 --> 01:16:21.067 the house and we would be in our our little bubble in the house and. Yeah 01:16:21.100 --> 01:16:27.156 , it's when it comes to child rearing and and. You know, when babies are 01:16:27.189 --> 01:16:33.206 young, it just it was hard. It's really hard. Yeah, that, you know, it can 01:16:33.239 --> 01:16:36.046 be hard to adopt. 01:16:36.079 --> 01:16:39.286 You know, to be so tethered to your baby's needs and then have someone 01:16:39.319 --> 01:16:44.265 else who seems like they still have their autonomy, you know. Mhm that's 01:16:44.298 --> 01:16:50.857 challenging. It's hard to not be resentful sometimes. Yeah, I I felt. I 01:16:50.890 --> 01:16:55.095 felt trapped a lot of the time. Not that I don't, I mean, I, I love Ramsey 01:16:55.128 --> 01:17:00.467 and I I loved staying home with him and stuff, but. Because his father was 01:17:00.500 --> 01:17:04.135 so. 01:17:04.168 --> 01:17:09.737 Unused to caring for him. I mean, it was hard for me to feel safe just 01:17:09.770 --> 01:17:17.595 going out by myself for an hour. Without somebody fucking something up. So 01:17:17.628 --> 01:17:22.826 that that was that was challenging. As he's gotten older, it's gotten 01:17:22.859 --> 01:17:28.946 easier. I still have all those worries, but it's like, OK, well, he's 2 01:17:28.979 --> 01:17:35.067 1/2. You know he can talk now. He, he's very, very vocal about his wants 01:17:35.100 --> 01:17:38.256 and his needs, so. 01:17:38.289 --> 01:17:41.607 At this point I'm just, I'm just so tired. I need to let go and I need to 01:17:41.640 --> 01:17:45.586 just let, let them figure it out. Let him have his relationship with his 01:17:45.619 --> 01:17:50.286 dad and. Let me have my life and. 01:17:50.319 --> 01:17:56.586 But it was really hard. I think, I think we would have broken up anyway 01:17:56.619 --> 01:18:01.897 even without, you know, without Ramsey taking Ramsey out of the picture. I 01:18:01.930 --> 01:18:07.876 think we would have broken up anyway, probably sooner. But 01:18:07.909 --> 01:18:13.976 I think having Ramsey made it harder, but it also, I mean, it made me try 01:18:14.009 --> 01:18:20.925 harder. And it made me stick around longer. Because, you know, I thought, 01:18:20.958 --> 01:18:25.967 well, this is my child's father and I come from a divorced, divorced 01:18:26.000 --> 01:18:30.446 family and I didn't want to have to do that and I didn't want to give up. 01:18:30.479 --> 01:18:35.086 I'm very stubborn. I didn't, I didn't want to give up, so I didn't for a 01:18:35.119 --> 01:18:39.027 really long time and I tried. 01:18:39.060 --> 01:18:43.885 And eventually I just said, no, it's, it's not right. It's never been 01:18:43.918 --> 01:18:49.385 right, at least for me, it was never right. So 01:18:49.418 --> 01:18:55.937 It was, it was tough. Yeah, that's a really tough story. I mean, really 01:18:55.970 --> 01:19:01.246 tough. I really feel for you and that. Um, If you were to have another 01:19:01.279 --> 01:19:06.006 baby, would you still do it at home and without medication and all of that 01:19:06.039 --> 01:19:08.607 ? 01:19:08.640 --> 01:19:15.175 If I ever have another baby, I'll I'll still try for a home birth. Um, I 01:19:15.208 --> 01:19:22.726 suppose it depends on. The partner I have at the time. But I would like to. 01:19:22.759 --> 01:19:27.805 If you know if I'm having another baby and I'm at home and I'm in labor 01:19:27.838 --> 01:19:30.687 and I have really terrible back labor again, I don't know what I'm gonna 01:19:30.720 --> 01:19:34.765 do, to be honest with you. There won't be a blizzard. There won't be a 01:19:34.798 --> 01:19:38.726 blizzard. That's good. Yeah, 01:19:38.759 --> 01:19:44.326 um, so I don't know. I don't know what I would do because I know just from 01:19:44.359 --> 01:19:50.487 my experiences and my training, I know that. If I had been in the hospital. 01:19:50.520 --> 01:19:56.666 They would have Ruptured my water. They would have put me on pit, and if 01:19:56.699 --> 01:20:01.345 he was stuck or in a bad position, he may not have come, and I may have 01:20:01.378 --> 01:20:08.206 may have ended up with a section. So I know that if it happens again. The 01:20:08.239 --> 01:20:12.467 same thing is likely to happen if I if I transferred to a hospital. And, 01:20:12.500 --> 01:20:16.635 and that recovery. It's worse than you can't lie in for that. I mean it's 01:20:16.668 --> 01:20:21.845 like, you know, the car is a little bit. So I think I would try to still 01:20:21.878 --> 01:20:25.476 do it at home. You're so brave. 01:20:25.509 --> 01:20:31.496 Yeah, I mean, you're so brave. Yeah, that's intense. It's like every step 01:20:31.529 --> 01:20:36.425 of the way there is. Something else. 01:20:36.458 --> 01:20:39.226 But and then through the pregnan I wasn't like, oh, I had a really like 01:20:39.259 --> 01:20:41.817 breeze of a pregnancy, and then the labor was really challenging. It just 01:20:41.850 --> 01:20:44.967 seemed like you had a lot of challenges and you really rose to every 01:20:45.000 --> 01:20:49.107 occasion. It was amazing. It's really amazing. You must feel like really 01:20:49.140 --> 01:20:55.817 strong. So some days I don't, but most days I, you know, I'm like, OK, I 01:20:55.850 --> 01:21:00.397 can do this. Like I can't get through anything, even, even if it doesn't 01:21:00.430 --> 01:21:05.706 feel like it that day, just get through the day, you know, um. There's a, 01:21:05.739 --> 01:21:12.277 there's a quote by this poet, uh. Rainer Reila, have you heard of him? Um 01:21:12.310 --> 01:21:17.237 , he's a German poet, and there's a quote of his and it says, let 01:21:17.270 --> 01:21:21.237 everything happen to you, Beauty and terror, just keep going. No feeling 01:21:21.270 --> 01:21:25.076 is final. And I always, always think of that. Even back then I thought of 01:21:25.109 --> 01:21:32.147 that. And I thought, OK, we can, we can get through it. We can do it. Um, 01:21:32.180 --> 01:21:37.046 so yeah, it's, I guess it's. Now that I think about it and now that I'm 01:21:37.079 --> 01:21:42.956 telling, telling it, I guess it has been like kind of a crazy 2 years, 2.5 01:21:42.989 --> 01:21:47.277 years. I'm tired. 01:21:47.310 --> 01:21:51.527 I hope it gets better from here. I'm sure it will. Are you with someone 01:21:51.560 --> 01:21:57.717 now? Mhm, yeah, yeah, we started dating in in May. So we've been dating 01:21:57.750 --> 01:22:03.496 for like 3 months. And that's been, it's been good. It's been a little 01:22:03.529 --> 01:22:05.706 challenging 01:22:05.739 --> 01:22:08.027 just with 01:22:08.060 --> 01:22:13.467 with yeah, with, I don't have a lot of time. I mean, before his dad was 01:22:13.500 --> 01:22:19.277 here. You know, I didn't have. I had even less time. Now I have 2 nights a 01:22:19.310 --> 01:22:27.027 week to myself and I usually spend them with my boyfriend. And he's also 01:22:27.060 --> 01:22:32.135 has a child. We recently had the kids meet, which was a big thing, you 01:22:32.168 --> 01:22:38.656 know. Are they close in age. Um, his son is 5 and my son is 2 1/2, so they 01:22:38.689 --> 01:22:44.156 got along well when they met and. And yeah, that that went well, but. It's 01:22:44.189 --> 01:22:49.527 it's just hard having a relationship. Amidst everything else like the 01:22:49.560 --> 01:22:56.607 stresses of. I mean, I work, I work roughly 43 hours a week. What field 01:22:56.640 --> 01:23:01.696 are you in? I work at a pest control company, so I work. Kind of a hybrid 01:23:01.729 --> 01:23:06.437 administrative customer service role. I answer the phones. And I set the 01:23:06.470 --> 01:23:11.717 routes for everybody who does the pest control. Um, and I do a lot of the 01:23:11.750 --> 01:23:18.737 paperwork and stuff like that, so. It's I leave at 7 in the morning and I 01:23:18.770 --> 01:23:25.196 don't pick up Ramsey from my mom until 5:45, 6. And so I have a lot of 01:23:25.229 --> 01:23:28.546 guilt about it. 01:23:28.579 --> 01:23:33.385 And every 6 weeks I get a half day during the week and then I work a half 01:23:33.418 --> 01:23:37.925 Saturday, which is what I did yesterday. 01:23:37.958 --> 01:23:42.126 So it wasn't it wasn't too bad, but thanks for taking the time to talk 01:23:42.159 --> 01:23:46.925 with us. Oh yeah, yeah. Is your mom watching him now, he's with his dad. 01:23:46.958 --> 01:23:53.126 Yeah. No, this is great. I think. I think you gave us a lot to work with 01:23:53.159 --> 01:23:57.765 . I mean a lot. The quote was good too. Sorry, I said um so much. I didn't 01:23:57.798 --> 01:24:03.175 at all at the beginning a little bit, but yeah, I 01:24:03.208 --> 01:24:07.446 I didn't pick up on that at all. OK. I was taking lots of other notes. I'm 01:24:07.479 --> 01:24:11.680 going to go ahead and stop. OK.