All right, this is Boris Solis interviewing Laura Elhas for the Creative
Push project on August 16th at 12:45. OK, so we'll go ahead and get
started. So, um, Maybe take us back to as far back as the conception if
you can, you know, and if there's anything memorable, you know, if you, if
it was a planned birth or whatnot, you know, as far back as you can, I
guess maybe tells us you can. Well, I wouldn't say he was. Planned I
wouldn't say he was in a complete accident either. It was sort of like
that weird in between where. We knew that we were being irresponsible, but
we didn't really care. So it wasn't any huge surprise when I ended up
pregnant. And
I had some, I swear I had symptoms almost immediately. Like after, after
conceiving, which sounds crazy, but I didn't realize it at first, but I
just started like I was peeing a lot. And I was craving just like meat
like for a week straight. I just crave like protein and chicken and
burgers and meat. And um I think another week went by and I was in the
mall with my husband. And I was trying on clothes. And all of a sudden my
nipples started burning and I was like, David, what's going on? My nipples
are burning. This is so weird. And combined with everything else, I was
like, could I be pregnant? That's so weird. And and he said, yeah, they do
look really like irritated. I was like, OK, well, We'll see how the next
few days go or whatever and. Um, being a midwifery student, I knew that,
you know, from. From the date of conception, you know, you have to wait
between 11 and 13 days before you get a positive pregnancy test. And so I
was looking at all my like anatomy diagrams on the wall and like a diagram
of like, you know, fertilized. Like fertilization and then it how it like
morphs and you know, eventually implants into the uterine wall and I was
looking at that and. I was like that might be going on right now. Um, so I
think it was a few days before my missed period that I finally took a
pregnancy test. And I took a pregnancy test, I mean, I took like 10. And I
was really frustrated because I was looking at them and they were and they
were all negative. And I was like, this can't be. I swear I'm pregnant.
And so I was just like throwing them away and I took like a clear blue one
later on during the day and I saw a line and I was like, holy shit. I'm
I'm pregnant. And I went back and I looked at those other pregnancy tests
that day and they were all positive. There were really faint positives,
but I just hadn't waited long enough for it to show up, or it was so early
that it was really, really faint. So I I Facebooked a picture of one of
them to my friend and she said, yeah, you're pregnant. I was like, oh my
gosh. And the first person I texted was my sister, and she remembers it to
this day, and she got a text message and I said, dude, I'm pregnant.
So that was the story of his conception. Um,
And so my, my husband, he. He found out obviously and he brought flowers.
And he said this is for the bun in the oven.
And um
That was, you know, around 4 weeks when I was 4 weeks pregnant. Um, and
then when I was 6 weeks pregnant. That's sort of when like HCG starts
peaking and, you know. Things start getting really crazy, so. I
experienced like I started experiencing perinatal depression. Right when I
started experiencing morning sickness. Um, so I was, I didn't really throw
up a lot or anything, but I was just like constantly nauseous all day
sickness. And I was constantly depressed, which was awful. And I'd
experienced depression before when I initially moved to Maine, but this
was like a different kind of depression. Um, it was like I was very
agitated and just very irritable and I didn't want to be touched and Just
very like you know. Flat sometimes and. So I was happy. That I was
pregnant, but I was also just not, not able to be fully, fully present in
the experience when it was really early on. Um, So right around.
When I was 12 or 13 weeks, I waited. And in my mind, I suffered, suffered
those 6 weeks, those 6 or 7 weeks, um, to get on antidepressants, I wanted
to wait for his heart to develop. Um. And so right at that mark when I
knew things were OK, I was like, OK, I'm gonna, I just need to take this
medication. And so I started taking Zoloft.
And it helped a little bit, but I was still just really.
I was just really like withdrawn pretty much my entire pregnancy. I didn't.
I didn't really want anybody to like touch my belly or um. You know,
touch me in general. But I was still, I mean, I loved, even, you know,
before he was born, I loved him and he was wanted and um I was really
happy being pregnant. Um Just not the experience of being pregnant, if
that makes sense.
Um,
Did that impact your marriage? Oh yeah.
It was really, really hard for for David. He, he's very sensitive.
And so he tried really hard to.
You know, work on things with me and. You know, help me or cook things or.
Whatever he could do to lend his support, but I just. I didn't I didn't
want that, I guess. Uh, so it created a lot of, a lot of tension, you know
, he went to bed upset a lot of nights and. I went to bed just Feeling
flat and irritated. So it was definitely rough.
We, we weren't married at the time. We, we didn't get married until. Let's
see, I found out I was pregnant on June 14th.
And we didn't get married until August 7th, so. There was some time in
between there where we were trying to figure out if we were even gonna
stay together. Or what what we were gonna do and.
In my mind. Uh, I was just. Like I'm pregnant. I'm alone. I'm in Maine. I
don't know what to do about my relationship, what's gonna happen and. I
just wasn't really in a very good, very good place to make decisions. But
we got married anyway. Um, on August 7th when I still fit into my wedding
dress because I had, I had bought a dress and I was must have been like 16
weeks right around there. And so I had started to gain a little bit of
weight, but I still fit into it. And so I, I put on my wedding dress and
did my hair and we went down to City Hall and. And got married. Um, did he
, did either both of you, um, think of the. Depression, which was
impacting the marriage as a temporary state. Like, did you know at the
time this is because of my pregnancy and it'll go away once I have this
baby?
I don't think we knew for sure. I think we hadn't been together very long
before I got pregnant. We had sort of a whirlwind courtship and.
I think
I think the the the depression and the pregnancy and like. The real life
hitting us. Sort of brought my my feelings up that maybe this person
wasn't the right person for me and it was going to end eventually and I
think he thought that too, but he, you know, we wanted to give it a fair
fair shot so we weren't sure. Um, I think that's really common with
depression too that you don't really trust your experience sometimes
because you don't know. What's real. You don't know what, what you don't,
you don't see things as they are. Sometimes you see things through the
lens of your depression or your anxiety or what whatever illness you're
going through. So we, we didn't know if it was going to lift when Ramsey
was born. And if it, even if it did lift, where we still gonna be together
? So it was a really, it was a really rough time. With the depression and
not even knowing if we're gonna stay together or anything like that. But
We tried. And I mean, he did the best he could through the pregnancy and.
You know, when I had moments of. You know, clarity or I wasn't wasn't
feeling too irritable that day. You know, we had, we had some good days.
How was the um physical experience of pregnancy for you?
I kind of hated it.
I hated, I, I was nauseous up until maybe 18 weeks. So I was just nauseous
all the time. I did throw up a few times. I would brush my teeth and I
would just come out and I'd be like, I have to throw up. So the the
physical experience was difficult for me. The nausea. I had migraines
throughout my pregnancy too. They started right around 14 weeks. And
disappeared maybe around 30 weeks.
And I'm prone to migraines anyway, but in the pregnancy they were just
like debilitating. To the point where I would feel it and I would have to
go lay down in the dark and put an ice pack on my head and not talk and
just. Pass out Um I couldn't take my migraine medication in pregnancy. I
couldn't take the Imitrex. They said it wasn't safe, but apparently
Vicodin is safe. So they gave me Vicodin and when you're, you know, when I
have a migraine, I'm desperate. I'll take anything. So I took the Vicodin.
And I went, I ended up in urgent care. Uh, one time for the migraine
because I was so dehydrated and exhausted and I'd been in pain for two
days and. Uh, so I, they brought me into urgent care and. Gave me fluids
and gave me morphine and. Didn't morphine, it didn't really help with the
pain. It just made me not care, so.
I came home. And the minute I came home and I was walking. I was like I
gotta throw up. Because of the narcotics, so I, I threw up again. And I, I
took Tylenol, I think, and I went to sleep. And so it was it was a rough
pregnancy. I didn't like the experience of being pregnant other than other
than feeling him move, which was amazing because I, I loved him and I felt
like I knew him. And I felt like I knew his personality. And so that was
the one thing that I remember really enjoying was. The the belly pictures
. I enjoyed taking belly pictures. And feeling him move and kick and I
would, you know, poke him or. Or something like that, and he would poke
back and. There was this one pair of pants. They were just like regular
maternity pants and they weren't particularly tight. Or uncomfortable for
me in any way, but for whatever reason, the way they sat on my belly, he
did not like them. He didn't like it, and every time I wore those pants
without fail, he would like push his head against the waistband. And just
keep doing it as if he was saying, excuse me, I don't like these. And so I
would change my pants and he would stop. It was the weirdest thing, so I
just stopped wearing those pants in my pregnancy. Unless I was worried
about him or something, so I put those pants on and then he would like
push his head and be like, OK, he's OK. Um, I was, I was very anxiety
ridden in my pregnancy too. I was a very nervous first time pregnant lady.
And I think part of it is because I knew everything that could happen and
could go on and I knew I had a 30% chance of miscarriage and.
Early on Um, when I was taking all those pregnancy tests, I was working on
in one of my clinical rotations for midwifery school for a midwifery
practice, and I asked one of the midwives to take my blood and do like a
serum HCG. And And she did it and I left for Colorado before the results
came back and they called me while I was in Colorado and they said, well,
Your HCG isn't as high as we would like. And you know, we want to see it,
you know, doubling or tripling whatever rising. And I was really scared
and so I called my actual midwife and. And she said, well, you know, it
could mean that, you know, it's just really early or that the pregnancy
isn't viable. And that was just like, oh my gosh, like I was so I was so
scared to, you know, lose the pregnancy. And so I had labs done at the
hospital in Colorado to make sure that everything had been doubling um and
Of course, we got the results and everything was fine and everything was
doubling and he was gonna be OK. Can you explain what an HCG is? Yeah, um
, ah. I guess in layman's terms, it's, it's a hormone that.
So when When an egg is fertilized and. Uh, multiplies and everything and
attaches to the uterine wall. When it attaches to the uterine wall, um, it
starts secreting that hormone into the and it goes into the mother's
bloodstream. And that's what, uh, like a home pregnancy test will pick up
on is the HCG. Um, so that's why you can be pregnant, but if it hasn't
implanted into the uterine wall yet, you won't get a positive pregnancy
test because that, that hormone isn't being secreted into the mother's
bloodstream, which is why you have to wait. Yeah, I have to wait, um, I
think 11 to 13 days after conception. That's how long it takes for it to
travel down and and plant and. Do all that. I hope I hope I remembered all
that correctly. I've been out of midwifery school a while. So yeah, it was
a it was a tough pregnancy. Um,
So would you want your feet a lot? Were you working the whole time? No, I
was in midwifery school for part of the time. So I, I went to school 3
days a week. And You know, just studied, kept on going. Which was also
difficult in some ways, we had some. So we were doing our complications
classes that that year, so we had like prenatal complications.
So Everything about like miscarriage and you know, everything that can go
wrong and things like that. I, I think we had that class.
While I was early pregnant or just before I had gotten pregnant. And then
we had newborn complications, which was, I was completely checked out. I
think I got I got a C in that class or something. I just did not want to
see all those babies with all those problems and with diseases and.
You know, hor horrible pictures and coupled with my depression already and
my anxiety about, you know, is he OK? Was he gonna be OK? I just couldn't
, I couldn't deal with that, so I checked out and My teacher in that class
was really. I think she was upset with me about that, but.
What can I do? I just, I didn't want to deal with it, so. So yeah, I was
still going to school and That the our school year ended in December.
And so we decided, my teachers and I decided. If he was going to be born
in the end of February, his due date was February 23rd.
That I shouldn't start the last semester.
Because You know, I would have a baby in the middle of it and it would be
really hard to. You know, finish everything and deal with that pressure.
That was our last academic semester before we went to our preceptorships
, which is the year to year and a half long training where we get the bulk
of our birth experience.
So we had a research class and some other classes to finish up and, and
they said, no, you should probably go on leave of absence now and don't
start, you know, don't start it because you're gonna have a baby in the
middle of it. So I stopped going in January. Which was also hard for me
because I mean, I was kind of isolated in Maine and I only had my husband
too. We did not have a smooth marriage at all. For the time that we were
married and my classmates in midwifery school were like my, my tribe. They
were, they were my girls. And so when I didn't have them, it was That was
difficult for me too, but they, they visited when they. When they were
free and they all came after he was born and several of them were there
for the for the birth.
And I think it was in January, December or January. That a former client.
Of my midwife.
I, OK, so I had my midwife who she was. She was also my preceptor for my
clinical rotation, and I had worked with her and I had seen her in action
and I knew, well, if I ever have a baby, I want Suzie to be my midwife.
And while I was working with Susie, we attended a birth of one of her
clients and I was the student for that birth. And me and me and the client
um developed, you know, a bond and it was her first baby and you know, she
was really interested in, you know, me being a student and everything and
I think in December or January.
She She contacted me and said, oh, I hear you're having a baby. That's so
exciting and you know, do you wanna get together? And so we started
hanging out. And she would take me on walks around the mall. And this was
in the middle of winter in January, so we didn't really have anywhere else
to go. So we would go to the mall and just walk around and talk and. You
know, complain about our husbands or talk about the pregnancy and. She
would bring her baby and everything. And so We would, we would do that in
the winter, which was nice. And in February or end of January, beginning
of February, my mom was planning on coming out for the birth. And my
sister was as well. They were trying to sort of scatter their visits.
And she said, oh I'll come out, you know, on the 15th, 19th or 15th or the
19th or something, you know, closer to your due date. And I said, oh, I
don't know if you should do that. She's like, what do you mean? I'm like,
well, I think he might come earlier than that. She said, are you, are you
sure? Like, it's your first pregnancy? Are you having any signs? And I
said no, that's just my feeling like he just. He feels like he's just one
of those babies who wants to. Get the job done. Like I'm just telling you
that. And she said, OK, well, I'll just keep it for the 15th or whatever.
And so I, I have this thing with the number 7. I just really love the
number 7. So we got married on August 7th and that was intentional. And I
thought I would really love for him to be born on the 7th. So I circled
Circled the 7th on the calendar.
And I think the 7th was a Thursday.
It might have been a Thursday, Thursday or Friday. I thought it would be
perfect if he was born on that Saturday. Which I think happened to be the
9th or the 9th.
And so I went along. Um,
Just the rest of the pregnancy. I was tired of being pregnant. I just did
not. I just didn't have a good experience the whole pregnancy. With
everything going on. Um, were you big at this point? I mean, did you put
on a lot of weight or no? I gained like 30 pounds, so I gained about the
average amount of weight. I didn't feel super big or anything. Um, I think
I felt. I mean, I felt sore. And I felt kind of like fatigued and. And
tired, but I didn't feel. You know, I wasn't walking around like, oh God,
I feel huge or anything like that, um.
One time I came out of the bathroom and my husband was laying on the couch.
And he's not a particularly eloquent person. And so he looks at me and he
goes, you're like a whale. And I was like, excuse me, realize that I'm
like 337 weeks pregnant, right? He was like, I, I mean, you're like a
whale and you're really majestic and beautiful. I was like, OK, it's a
good save, good save. But um, yeah, I, I didn't feel like super huge or
anything. I just felt sore and irritated. And like I just wanted it to be
to be done with.
So I didn't have too many, um, you know, like Braxton Hicks or anything
like that. I mean, I would have them occasionally, but I knew they, they
weren't. They weren't in labor. Um So I didn't really have any like
pre-labor or anything like that. My midwife checked me. I think this is
probably.
Maybe a week before he was born, something like that. And she, she checked
me and I wasn't, I wasn't a face at all. I wasn't really dilated. My
cervix was, was high. Um, Yeah, it might have been, you know, softer, but
there weren't really any, any, any indications that I was going to go into
labor anytime soon.
And so it was.
Let's see.
I went to bed
The night of the 7th.
And I woke up at 2:30 in the morning. So technically the 8th. And I felt
like period type cramps and I was really uncomfortable.
And so I tried using the heating pad to see if they would go away or
anything like that, and I couldn't sleep. And they weren't going away. So
I thought, OK, I'll get up. And midwives, one thing that they, they tell
you is if you're getting contractions and you're not sure if you're really
in labor.
Take a shower, take a warm shower, relax, have some tea. And if they slow
down, you know, it might, it might not be time yet. If they stay the same
or if they increase in intensity, you might be in labor. So that's what I
did. I got up and I took a shower, took a long hot shower.
And They started increasing in intensity in the shower. I was like, OK. I
guess I might be in labor.
So I got out and I let let David know. I think I might be in labor. And I
put on Harry Potter.
Because I had this crazy idea that I was going to get through all 7 or 7
or 8 of the Harry Potter movies during my labor. And so I put on the first
one and I just bounced on the ball, you know, the birth ball. And at that
point I was just, you know, breathing through them or or whatever. They
weren't super intense, but I. I let my midwife know. And I let her student
know. And her student was coincidentally my old roommate. And
I let my one classmate know who she was operating as my doula. And I let
the other classmate know and she was going to be taking pictures of the
birth. So there's a lot of people.
So I hung out on the on the ball.
And had I think I just had some yogurt or something. And so around I think
probably It was 5 or 6 in the morning. They started getting a little more
intense.
And I felt it all in my back, all in my back. Like I, I felt a tightening
, but nothing really in the front. Um, and my, my do list said, oh, well,
just let me know whenever you need me and I'll I'll come. And so I think I
messaged her around 8 and I said, I need you now. So she came
And then later on, I think maybe not too long after that, maybe 2 hours
later, the student midwife came. And then my the main midwife came.
And David started blowing up the birth tub in the middle of the room. And
They were making sure that the Harry Potter movies were still on, but at
that point I just like was completely checked out. I had no idea which one
we were on or what was even going on. And um so, so much for that idea. Um
, so they were filling up the birth tub and. I was surprised at how, how
intense they were.
For me thinking so, you know, so early early on, and I thought, oh my gosh
, I'm gonna have this baby soon cause these are getting really intense.
And You know, I was talking to my midwife about it and we, you know, we
made an agreement that.
She wouldn't tell me. About the dilation and she wouldn't check unless she
, she had good reason to. And we agreed that the only thing she would tell
me was if I was less than 5 or more than 5.
And so I don't think she checked for a while.
And I tried eventually when the birth tub was set up, getting into the
birth tub.
And it was nice, but I had, you know, I had really, really horrible back
labor and I knew it. In my head I was like, oh shit, I have back labors
it's gonna be bad. Uh, because my mom, she's had 3 babies and. She had
told me previously that she had had back labor with two of her kids. And I
said, oh gosh, what did it feel like? I knew I, I had studied it and so
people had described it as like a a knife in their sacrum, um, and just
really, really painful stuff and. My mom had described it as a gremlin
coming out of her butt. She was like, it feels like a gremlin's trying to
come out of your butt. I was like, OK.
And so this must have been. I mean, I have, I have some good memory of of
the birth, but a lot of it is blurry too, just because I was in a lot of
pain.
Um, so this must have been.
Into the evening of the 8th. So this is probably.
56 p.m. somewhere around there. I had been in and out of the berth tub. Um
, I liked the birth tub, but. I just, I felt like I had to move and I felt
really claustrophobic and I felt like I couldn't move my body the way I
wanted to in the tub. So I got out of the tub. And the one relief was a
really, really hot shower, really, really scorching hot shower on my back.
And even then it was horrendous, but that was the only thing that really
seemed seemed to provide any sort of relief.
And a few times, it was like a 2 hour period where I was just. Wanted to
be done and I would just like look at my midwife and I was just like, I
want to be done. I want to be done. She's like you, you'll be done
eventually. And I, we were in the shower. David was in the shower with me
and I kind of cornered him and I was like, I'm serious. I want to be done.
Take me to the hospital. Take me. I want an epidural. He was like, well,
why don't, why don't we wait? Let's let's wait a little longer. Um, and so
that that went on for probably 2 hours of me of me saying, I want to be
done, I want to be done. And this was during. The Blizzard Nemo too in
2013, so it was, it was a blizzard outside. And
I knew I didn't really want to go to the hospital, but I was in so much
pain that I mean. At that point, you'll do anything. And my midwife said,
You know we can transfer to the hospital if you want. But you're gonna be
waiting a really long time because you're not a merchant. It's a snowstorm.
It's a blizzard. They're not gonna get here in 5 minutes. You know, it's
gonna be a while.
So you know, we know that you want to be home, so let's try to be home.
And so after, after our talk, I was like, OK, I'm just gonna do it. I'm
gonna have this baby and I'm not gonna complain about it anymore.
So I think it was around.
It must have been around maybe 8 or 9 at night. Somewhere around there.
And I was on the bed. I was laboring on the bed.
And my midwife had checked me earlier and she said, you're less than 5,
and I was like, oh fuck, you gotta be kidding me.
And they said we we think that maybe the baby isn't in an optimal position.
You know, we can't feel his head very well, you know. It could be that
he's turned in a weird way.
You know you're having a lot of back labor. I said, OK, so they decided
that we were just gonna do a lot of position changes. And so I would do
pancake flips on the bed, which is basically laying on my left side for
contraction. Then laying on my right side. Then maybe standing up, hands
and knees. I took stairs, took a lot of stairs. Um, at some point I was on
the bed. And I said somebody call Amelia. Somebody get her down here and
Amelia was the former client who had been taking walks with me in the mall.
And so we called her the midwife caller. And said Bla is asking for you.
Can you, can you come down and be with her? And she said, oh yeah, of
course. So she, she had her dad drive her down in the middle of a blizzard.
And she lived up north, so she lived probably 30-35 minutes up north. So
she had her dad drive her down in the middle of a blizzard to be with me.
And um when she got there, it was that was a relief. I felt like she. You
know, she and I had been You know, walking a lot together and talking, and
I had shared her birth with her, so I felt, I felt like kind of a special
kinship with her. And so she helped me through it too, along with
everybody else. It was good that I had a lot of people there because it
was a really long labor and a really exhausting one for probably for the
midwives, of course, for me too. And David, I don't think, slept at all. I
think in 25 hours he didn't sleep. He was awake the entire time.
So I did a lot of those position changes.
For a really long time. And
I had a bulging bag of water, so my my bag of waters was just kind of like
hanging out there. And
My midwife didn't want to rupture them because if she ruptured them, he
wouldn't have as much cushion to turn and he might have stayed male
positioned. He might have been, you know, might have stayed stuck. We
don't, you know, we don't know. So she just kept it intact.
And I remember I had a lot of like bloody show. Like during labor, it
didn't, it didn't appear before labor like some women describe bloody show
before they go into labor. I, I just had it through my labor. And my, my
midwife would always say, oh, that's great bloody show, Laura. That's
great. That means you're progressing. And I was just like, uh-huh, yeah,
it's really great. Yay, you know, I was very I was very irritated about
the whole, the whole thing. Um,
And so
It must have been around um probably 1111 p.m. midnight, things started
finally picking up.
And
I forgot to mention this before, but.
In retrospect, I had a premature urge to push from about 5 centimeters on
because of the way his head was positioned.
And so I wasn't nearly anywhere. I wasn't anywhere near ready to push, but
I had this urge. And I knew that I had to blow through it and I couldn't
push and I knew at that point that he wasn't positioned quite right, you
know. And so I would just
Like I did that so much. I didn't really scream. I didn't yell or anything.
I didn't cry. I mean, maybe to in my head I felt louder, but everyone
around me said that I was pretty quiet. Um, I was very internal, but I
would, I would do that to sort of cope with having this like intense urge
to push.
And they describe in a lot of books how the urge to push is like throwing
up in reverse. Like your body just like you feel your body having to do it
and you, you have no other choice but to comply, like you have to. And
that's exactly how pushing feels like needing to push. That's how it feels
to me like. You get this feeling in your body and you just like you have
to you have to go with it and not going with it felt really wrong, but I
had to just blow through it. And then
You know, finally around 11 or 12. I said, Susie, I'm, I feel, I feel like
I really need to push. And she said, OK, well, let's labor a little longer
, blow through it a little longer.
And then in a little bit, I'll check you. I'll see what's going on and
I'll feel. What's happening, you know, inside your body when you're
pushing, because I don't want you to tear your cervix. I don't want you to
push if it's ineffective. So let's wait a little bit. And so that was the
most frustrating part was having to push so badly and not being able to.
So I was laboring on the toilet. And I was having a contractions, a
contraction and then all of a sudden. I felt something and I said, oh God
, oh God, because for some reason I thought.
Where were we? Oh, I was on the toilet. And I said, oh God, oh God,
because I thought. Oh God, the baby's coming out really fast. I'm gonna
have the baby on the toilet, but it was my waters. So they finally, they
like bulged out and they just like broke while I was laying on the toilet
, and David was right there and he was like, oh wow. And so After that,
things, things picked up again. And this was, I don't know, I'm, I'm
guesstimating because I honestly don't remember. I remember looking at He
was born in the bedroom and so I remember being in the bedroom looking at
David's clock and I had those big red numbers on it, and I remember
looking at that clock. And So this must have been.
1 a.m., 2 a.m. something like that. And so she checked me
And she said, you're, you know, you're around 89. You've got a little bit
, a little bit left. So if you feel like pushing, go ahead and push and
I'll feel what's going on. And so I pushed and I was like, oh, it feels so
great.
And she said, OK, I think, you know, I don't think it's hurting anything.
I think it's OK for you to push a little bit and, you know, to see what
happens. I think it might be effective.
And so after that point, I would just, if I felt the need to sort of bear
down or push, I would, I would push. Which was a great relief. And that
that was the best feeling. Like my labor was absolutely horrible. Like it
was the worst. But I loved pushing. Pushing was like the greatest relief
to me and it felt really good. So I was glad that I, I was allowed to push
at that point.
Um, I still had really bad back labor, but the fact that I could push
through it was better.
And so
I was on the bed. I was, I was leaning up against the bed.
And everyone was sort of around me, so I was, I was up against the bed and
I had all these women around me and then I had David behind me over here.
And
I remember feeling like I had felt him drop. And so I squatted down on the
side of the bed and as I was pushing, I reached my hand in and I felt his
head move down and I thought, holy shit. I thought that's my baby's head.
And so I told everybody I feel his head. I feel his head. And at that
point I remember I started talking to him and I said, OK, come on, we can
do this. Let's do this. We're almost done and And so I, I kept feeling as
I was pushing because that was like my motivation, like I could feel his
head coming down. And I turned around once I knew that, you know, it was
getting to the point where he was going to be crowning and Amelia, my
friend. Who had driven up to be with me. She was behind me. And David was
next to me and the midwife was in front.
And so yeah, he started crowning. And she had a mirror, so I could see in
the mirror.
And I was really quiet with the exception of one time when I was pushing,
I said slow and steady wins the race.
Just to, you know, I wanted to push probably a lot faster than I did, but
I knew that I should, you know, take things slowly, so. I felt the ring of
fire. That everybody talks about.
And it was, it was pretty intense. It's a lot of stinging and stretching.
And my midwife said later that she was really impressed that. I hadn't. I
hadn't complained about it. I hadn't screamed about it. I didn't say
anything. I just sort of pushed right on through it.
And I did. I mean, I felt it and I was like, oh shit, that's really
intense. That stings, but um I just pushed. And pushed and I pushed only
for maybe 45 minutes.
And soon his head was out.
And she said, OK, well, whenever you're ready. You know, take your time.
And I thought, I just want to be done. I just want to push this kid out.
So I just like I just like barrelled him out. I pushed, pushed him out.
And David caught him.
And I remember David being nervous because he was, you know, holding his
head, supporting his head, and he was worried that his fingers were in the
baby's eyes. He's like, I don't, I don't want to poke him in the eye. Um,
so he, he came out fast and. And they put them on me. And he started
screaming right away.
And
I started, I was crying. And I looked, I looked at my friend who was the
student midwife, she had helped. You know, catch him. With David and And I
said, I just had a baby. She said that's right, you did, you did it. And I
was just so overwhelmed. Um, that I, I looked at her and I was like. We
just had a baby.
And he And really dark hair.
And he had definitely.
Been Turned, he was ended up being OP so. Sunny side up essentially.
And Possibly some other complications with him being sort of stuck in
there for a while and so the entire right side of his face. He was really
bruised and swollen. He could tell he'd been been through a lot trying to
come out. Um, and so he was, he was crying a lot and. He had a bit of a
shorter cord. Not anything to be concerned about, but where I couldn't
hold him up. As high as I wanted to, so I was holding him lower and I kept
pressuring my midwife to cut the cord too early, and I knew I didn't want
to cut the cord, but I wanted my baby. She was like, well, we have to wait
for the cord to stop. I was like, OK, OK, fine. And so We waited for the
cord to stop and they cut in and they, you know, gave him to me. And um
After a baby is born. In a home birth, they have blankets on the warmer,
so they immediately put a blanket on him and put a hat on so he doesn't
lose heat. And so they did that. And I was holding him and I was still
squatting by the bed and I had had a small hemorrhage. Um Not, not like
anything super concerning that I would go to the hospital for that would
make me super lightheaded or anything, but more than average. And so they
gave me a shot of Pitocin in my leg. And um did some massage just to try
to get me to stop bleeding.
And so I, I, the bleeding slowed down and then I, I delivered the placenta
and that was fine.
And
Everything gets a little bit blurry after that, cause after that point
you're like so exhausted and you're just like, oh my God, I just had a
baby. It's over, it's done. Um, so he was born at 3:25.
Am. On February 9th.
Several weeks before his due date. At 38 weeks exactly. I was born at 38
weeks exactly.
And he picked up right away.
And
He didn't cry too much after, after the initial, after the birth. He
quieted down after that.
And In a home birth, after the birth and everything, they, the midwives
just sort of get everything cleaned up. They get, they get mom cleaned up
, so they got me cleaned up.
They, the midwife, uh, took a look at, you know, if I had had any tearing
or anything like that.
And I think I had.
I had a minor, I had a minor tear. I had like a first degree tear. Which
is nothing much, it's just the skin. And then I had a really small area
where it went to 2nd degree, which is a little bit into the muscle. And
she said it's not too bad. She said, I can give you some stitches, but you
know that. You know, it's not really gonna. Gonna do any good. It's just,
if you're gonna be up and moving around a lot, I'd rather give you
stitches, but if you can stay in bed with your legs closed and not take
the stairs for 1 to 2 weeks. Then I, I won't stitch you up. And I said,
Yeah, I'll just lay in bed. I'll do that though like, you know, it's so
called lying in or whatever, so I did the lying in. I didn't have stitches.
Uh, mostly Mostly because it really hurt like it stung after you just had
a baby and everything's swollen and everything sensitive. And you know
they have to examine everything and that was, that was the one time that I
just started yelling out. You know, expletives and have this and that and
shit and like I hadn't uttered a single cuss word the entire labor, the
entire birth, and then afterward, I was just like, I don't. Last thing I
want is you to try to stick something sharp there. So let's just not do
that. So yeah, I said I'll do the lying in.
And so they got me situated and they weighed him. And he was 7 pounds 2
ounces. 18 inches long.
And I don't remember his head's circumference, but
Uh, his, his Apgar scores were fine, I think 889, 10. I don't, I don't
remember those very well. And
They got me a sandwich to eat. They got me food, water.
Made sure the bleeding was under control.
And David was just over, over on the bed already snoring. He was just like
so exhausted. He was like, OK, the baby's here. I can just, I can be done.
And so I'm holding the baby and I'm really excited. I'm like, hey, David,
do you want do you want to name him? You know, you wanna talk about names
? And he was like, no. And so he just turned over again and and fell
asleep. And the last thing I remember from that. That period is the
midwives above me as I was laying down with with the baby. Talking to me
about instructions. You know, if you feel this, if you see this, if the
baby does this, this is normal, this isn't, give us a call. We'll be back
in the morning. Um, that kind of thing, and I remember my, my eyes were
just like I was falling asleep and they were like, OK, we're gonna go. And
so they set down the instructions and everything and.
Um, everybody left.
I don't remember if my doula stayed or if she went home.
I think she she might have stayed. I don't remember.
But yeah, eventually I, I fell asleep and so we all slept.
And did you put him to your breast right away? Did he nurse or? um. When
he was born.
They tried to get him to nurse. But it wasn't, it wasn't really happening.
And they tried to get him to nurse again before before they left. And he
did a little bit But not very much. He's just sort of slept.
I mean, I didn't, I didn't think too much, too much of it at the time. Um
, so yeah, we slept all through the night. And I kept him, you know, on my
chest with me.
And
In the morning the midwives. Came back, took a look at us.
I remember David was in the room and I said, OK, so do you wanna talk
about names now? Um, because I've, I've always been really into baby names
and so we, we had this long list of names.
And I had gone through a few names during the pregnancy that I was
attached to. Um, I think for a while I was really attached to Henry.
And we talked about Alexander.
And Isaac was one of our big ones. And that day after his birth, it was
between Isaac and Ramsey.
And
And he said, OK, well, what about Isaac? And I looked at him and I said.
I don't know if he's really an Isaac.
And he said, Ramsey. And I looked at him and I thought. Yeah, OK. And I
said, Ramsey David, you know, for the middle name, and he said, yeah, sure.
I said, OK, we got a baby name.
So after we named him. I took a picture. And I remember he was wearing
like a lime green baby hat, and he was sleeping and his hair was really
dark. He looked very Middle Eastern, and Ramsey is my father's name and my
father's from Lebanon.
And And I thought, oh yeah, that fits perfectly. And so I sent the picture
to to everybody and I said, Ramsey David Bell.
And
I remember my dad was.
He wasn't, he wasn't like. Super excited, but he was like, oh, you named
him Ramsey, you know, it kind of it kind of took my dad a while to get
used to the idea that there was a baby named after him.
Um, and he. My dad, he, um, he didn't like the name Isaac. Because he said
, oh well, that's a Hebrew name. Remember you're you're Lebanese. And I
was like, well, David's a Hebrew name too. It's not a big deal. But I
remember that. And I remember thinking Oh gosh, if we, we had named him
Isaac, my dad would have been mad. I'm sure he would have gotten over it.
But
Um, yeah, so we name from Ramsey. And
My mom switched her flight.
Um, I think it was David or someone else that had let her know that I was
in labor. You know, Way before anybody had anticipated. And so she
switched her flight and she came in.
I think she came in on the 12th. So pretty soon afterwards, she was able
to change her flight and come in and. And be with us.
And
That that was when things started getting more difficult because he.
Wasn't nursing very well.
And it really, really hurt when he nursed. It was really, really painful
and it felt like he was just like chomping on my nipple and. It wasn't
working and so every time I would latch him on, I would like wince in
anticipation of this horrible pain.
And
So our newborn, our newborn phase was. Really fraught with confusion and
difficulty and. I think 3 days after he was born. The midwives, they come
1 day after birth, 3 days a week.
And I think 4 weeks. So they come multiple times and they came 3 days
after he was born. And he was down to.
6 pounds.
6 pounds, 4 ounces.
Um, so he had lost nearly 1 pound. And that's it, you know, it's normal
for newborns to lose weight, but he had lost way too much weight. That's
why I was really, really upset and really anxious and I didn't know what
was going on. I didn't know what was wrong and I had. I remembered sitting
and having a conversation with my friend. Who had been at the birth one of
my classmates.
I'm saying, do you think he has a tongue tie? Is that, is that what's
going on? She says, well, I don't see anything, so I'm not sure. You know
, I, I thought that initially, but I don't see anything and.
After my mom had been there a while, she, she had nursed 3 babies, and she
looked at him and she looked at me and she said, he's not, he's not
nursing, right? Something's wrong. And
I remember feeling really alarmed, but. I feel like the the midwives. They
didn't do anything wrong, but they, they were really relaxed about it and
they were maybe more relaxed than. Than I would have liked, definitely
more than my mom would have liked, but she was, you know, she's a retired
nurse and. Very You know, wants to be very diligent about everything, so
she was very on, she wanted to be very on top of it, and I was just. I
hadn't slept and he cried all the time in the first week. They think also
because he had a headache, probably be from his face being being smushed.
And he was hungry And he just cried and cried and cried and I tried to
nurse him and he would still cry and he would hurt and he kept losing
weight and so it was really, really difficult. And So we I started
supplementing. I would pump and give him some just in a syringe. And we
also tried a little bit of formula just to get him fed. And so he
developed like really bad jaundice.
And it it stuck around for. A good length of time, maybe 3 weeks, 4 weeks.
And when he was 2 weeks old.
I made an appointment with a lactation consultant. Um, someone had
recommended her.
And she came by and she watched him nurse and she looked at his mouth and
she said he has, yeah, he has a dunk die.
Uh, tongue tie is when the, the skin on, on the underside of your tongue,
the the frenum or frenulum is too tight or too restrictive. And uh babies
need a lot of. A lot of uh. Movement in their tongues to properly
breastfeed, and he didn't have that movement. He wasn't able to really get
the breast in his mouth like he needed to, and he also had a an upper lip
tie. Which meant that he couldn't create a seal around the breast like he
needed to to breastfeed, and so he would constantly fall off. He would, he
would nurse for maybe a few minutes and then he would fall asleep and fall
off because he couldn't, he just couldn't keep the rest in his mouth.
So we tried for a long time to get him to nurse. And I tried getting his
tongue clipped at a doctor in town. I don't think he clipped it and quite
enough though, and so we saw a lot of, a lot of difficulty.
And so we visited a doctor in Boston. To try to get his tongue lasered. So
she lasered it and lasered the upper lip tie.
And immediately afterward, it did feel better, like he nursed and it did,
I did feel a difference. Um, but It didn't last very long. We still had a
lot of difficulty nursing, so I just kept pumping and feeding him however
I could feed him. And I was just, I was, you know, I was only sleeping 2
hours a night. I was pumping a lot. My husband was.
I don't know. Didn't really know how to deal with it, I guess, and. He was
working and He said He said, well, you're going to Arizona to see your mom.
Why don't you just go for a month? Why don't you go for a longer period
of time? I I don't, I can't support you. Essentially is what he said, he
said. I can't help you. So, did he mean emotionally? Yeah, he just meant
he meant that.
He couldn't do it emotionally. He couldn't do it physically. He
He wasn't coping very well. With the lack of sleep, with worrying about
everything.
He, he made enough money that he could have taken off work, but he refused.
He, he had promised me after the baby was born that he would take a week
off work and then two days later, he said, oh, can I take a client? And I
think to this day that's something I still resent him for is that.
I felt really abandoned. And I felt really alone.
And I was really mad about that.
That he didn't, that he didn't follow through on his promise that he
started working way sooner and he thought. He said later he thought, oh, I
thought it was OK cause your mom was here. You know, Uh, but So I went to
Arizona by myself with a seven week old who had just had tongue surgery.
And on a drive back back to Maine. From Boston You know, he wasn't, he
wasn't able to nurse quite right yet and.
I was pumping and I had a manual pump and my boobs were just like killing
me. And I was driving and I just started pumping while I was driving with
a manual pump, which I don't recommend doing. Because sometimes when you
nurse or when you pump. You get that that influx of hormones and it makes
you really sleepy. And so I was pumping and I was already tired and so I
got that. I, I got the letdown and I got really sleepy. I was like, well
this is really dangerous.
But I remember that vividly, that was right before I left for Arizona. I
mean so I packed up, got on a plane.
I had like I had my pump and I would pump when I could. And then I had a
cooler or a lunch box full of like formula and stuff like that and bottles
and. And everything
And I was, I mean, I was a new mom and he still wasn't nursing quite right
, so it was just so difficult to travel. And I felt really self-conscious
about pumping. And I thought, how the hell am I supposed to do this? I'm
in an airplane. I have nowhere to put my newborn, and my boobs are gonna
explode.
What am I doing? And luckily I sat next to this really nice man who to
this day I remember, I remember him. And he said, if you need to pump,
I'll I'll hold the baby. If if you, if you need anything, let me know. And
he was a really nice Mormon guy. And he said, oh yeah, I know I have, I
have 3 or 4 kids. I, I know how it is. And And so I took him up on that.
And I said, would you mind holding him? He said, Oh yeah, of course. So he
held Ramsey while I pumped. And I just felt so so grateful for him. And
that was really nice. I wish I remembered his name, but.
Like people, sometimes people surprise you and traveling with a newborn. I
, I remember like those little, those little bits of kindness that that
people extend you. Um, so I, that was a glaring memory for me.
So I, I got to Arizona. And he was 7 weeks, 7 or 8 weeks at this point.
And it was just still really hard. He started having a lot of reflux
problems too. So he would just be eating and then he would just like.
vomit everywhere all over me like soaking my pants. And he would vomit in
his sleep, which was terrifying, which he still does that actually
sometimes. So I'm a really light sleeper to this day. If he coughs or
makes a noise or anything, I'm up and I have him up and I'm ready for, I'm
ready for like the vomit and like. Like that emotional trigger of. The
baby letting out this high pitched squeal and just vomiting everywhere. Um
, so it was difficult, and he still wasn't nursing quite, quite right. He
wasn't getting a lot. I would still nurse him because I liked, I wanted
him to nurse.
But with his reflux and everything, the breast milk made it worse.
Because it was so thin or for whatever reason, he just couldn't handle it
and. So I, I had started slowly switching over to formula and just still
pumping. And I was really feeling guilty about. Potentially stopping Uh
breastfeeding and everything and.
And eventually I, you know, I talked to my mom about it and she's like, I
think you should have stopped. A long time ago. It's just not healthy for
you. You're not sleeping. You're worried, you're in pain. He's in pain,
you know, do what you have to do. It's you're not a failure. It's OK, so.
I went through a lot of emotions with that, dealing with that, and before
we had left for Arizona, I had wanted my doctor to prescribe me a
Domperidone. It's supposed to increase milk supply with his tongue tie, he
couldn't do that himself. And so I had been taking that. And so right when
I had decided that I was gonna stop all of a sudden I had this like huge
increase in my supply and I was wearing like. You know, I come from a
family of women who have big breasts and so. I'm normally like a D and I
was wearing like a G bra and my boobs were huge and painful and I was like
, oh my gosh, these figures like I'm pumping like probably 67 ounces out
of each breast. And now I just I just decided to stop. This is gonna be
horrible. It was a horrible experience.
So I had cold, you know, cold cabbage in my bra. And breast pads and I
would pump just enough to like relieve the pressure. And it was just like
I got those sharp, sharp pains like from drying up or from the milk not
being expressed and I just remember feeling so gross like I remember
feeling like chubby and like I smelled like sour milk. And then I had this
kid who was just vomiting all over me and. It was just a mess, it was such
a mess. And then I had to fly to California from Arizona for my dad's
wedding. And like be presentable.
And I was happy to be there for my dad's wedding. Um, I love my dad and I
have a really good relationship with with my stepmom.
And so I was really happy about the wedding, but I was so tired. I was
running on 2 hours of sleep. I was, you know, at that point, everything
had started to feel a little bit better in terms of me drying up, so that
wasn't too much of an issue. But I had this newborn with reflux and. All
my other family were from Canada. They, they were living in Canada. So I
was the only one qualified to drive the rental car. I was like, you expect
me to drive a fucking rental car around California? With my baby screaming
in the backseat, it was just like, it was so much to deal with. Um, but
somehow I I managed to look presentable. At my dad's wedding. And
everybody loved Ramsey. He, he was 8 weeks by then and.
The minute he could smile, that's all he did. He was. One of those babies
that people say, oh. He looks like he knows what's going on, you know, he
was always looking around and engaging with people and smiling and
laughing and. Charming the photographer at the wedding and. And so he was
, he was a cute baby.
But it was it was very difficult and David didn't come with me and my dad
was really mad about that. Um, and my dad said. No, he should have come to
help you. It's not right that you're here by yourself.
And I said, well, I can't, there's nothing I can do about it. And my dad
was dropping me off at the airport to go back to Arizona. And I could tell
my dad's not a very like outwardly emotional guy, but I could tell he was
very worried. And he said, OK, you got everything, and I said, I got
everything. I'm OK, Dad. OK, I'll be OK. And he looked and he looked at me
and shook his head and he said. You're a tough woman.
I said thanks, Dad. And um so I got back on the plane and. Went back to
Arizona And I feel like I mean. Like I mentioned before, I, I still have a
little bit of a resentment towards my now ex-husband. About, you know.
Essentially abandoning me. Uh during that time.
But at the same time it was like. It was a sort of a whole experience that
just completely shifted my world.
And I hadn't before that time I had really struggled in. Like my personal
relationships, romantic relationships in life in general. And it was at
that point that I reached a turning point and I realized.
That I would be able to get through anything in life, you know, if I, I
can take care of this baby and myself alone with all of these things going
on and I'm OK, like I'll be OK no matter what happens to me. And so even
though I, I still sometimes carry that resentment, I feel like. I, I built
such a pillar of strength around that time too. Um, that You know, has
carried me through a lot of other difficult times. So that was That was
character building.
I was gonna ask you what you think when you reflect back on that
experience, but you pretty much summed it up right there, I would think,
you know. Yeah, I mean, I think for me anyway. I mean finding out I was
pregnant and I was going to have a baby did change me a little bit, but it
wasn't until he was born. That baby is born. And I like it changes you. It
changed me. It just everything the world just like shifted.
And I had realized like all these mistakes that I had made in my life or
all these horrible decisions that I had made and. And You know, everything
that I had wanted to do differently and. Yeah, it just it completely
shifted my world. It, it was crazy.
Yeah. And now you're living here in Arizona. Are you still with your
mother? Uh, no, I, I, I still live in Mesa. I live down the street and we
live close to her, um, just so she can drop Ramsey at school. And Ramsey's
dad recently moved here about a month ago. And so he, he takes him to
school 3 days a week too, and Ramsey spends, you know, 1 night a week with
him and then one night on the weekends and. So that's been
Ever since his dad got here, that's been a relief. To not be doing
everything on my own. Which I know I can do it, but it's physically and
emotionally exhausting to. You know, work as much as I do and try to take
care of him and everything else and. So it's nice to have his dad here
finally to. To pick up a little bit of that. When did you get divorced?
Last year in November, we separated and. Um, actually a couple weeks after
our anniversary, we separated, filed, we filed in September and It was
finalized in November. Beginning of November.
Yeah, that's it, you know, we've heard a lot of um. A lot of stories where
birth really complicates the relationship, you know, and it seems to bring
out. You know, not to be cliche, but someone's true colors, you know, and
, and kind of forces your hand a little bit in terms of making decisions.
Any time your child's involved, it's like.
Yeah. And new challenge. Yeah, it was, it was definitely rough. And You
know, after that and after we, you know, we got back from Arizona and
Ramsey was a couple months old and everything and. It didn't really get
any better, I mean. I essentially felt like a single mom from the very
beginning. Um, he worked all the time. I was home with Ramsey until he was
18 months. So I did everything. Um, I mean, which is, you know, it's
common. I, I guess, or I think for stay at home moms to do a lot of that,
but.
I just felt like.
I just felt like he wasn't really super engaged ever. And it wasn't until.
It wasn't until we separated and got divorced. That he really started to.
Engage with Ramsey a little bit more. Uh, before that, he didn't really.
He would just kind of be in his own world and he would be in one world in
the house and we would be in our our little bubble in the house and. Yeah
, it's when it comes to child rearing and and. You know, when babies are
young, it just it was hard. It's really hard. Yeah, that, you know, it can
be hard to adopt.
You know, to be so tethered to your baby's needs and then have someone
else who seems like they still have their autonomy, you know. Mhm that's
challenging. It's hard to not be resentful sometimes. Yeah, I I felt. I
felt trapped a lot of the time. Not that I don't, I mean, I, I love Ramsey
and I I loved staying home with him and stuff, but. Because his father was
so.
Unused to caring for him. I mean, it was hard for me to feel safe just
going out by myself for an hour. Without somebody fucking something up. So
that that was that was challenging. As he's gotten older, it's gotten
easier. I still have all those worries, but it's like, OK, well, he's 2
1/2. You know he can talk now. He, he's very, very vocal about his wants
and his needs, so.
At this point I'm just, I'm just so tired. I need to let go and I need to
just let, let them figure it out. Let him have his relationship with his
dad and. Let me have my life and.
But it was really hard. I think, I think we would have broken up anyway
even without, you know, without Ramsey taking Ramsey out of the picture. I
think we would have broken up anyway, probably sooner. But
I think having Ramsey made it harder, but it also, I mean, it made me try
harder. And it made me stick around longer. Because, you know, I thought,
well, this is my child's father and I come from a divorced, divorced
family and I didn't want to have to do that and I didn't want to give up.
I'm very stubborn. I didn't, I didn't want to give up, so I didn't for a
really long time and I tried.
And eventually I just said, no, it's, it's not right. It's never been
right, at least for me, it was never right. So
It was, it was tough. Yeah, that's a really tough story. I mean, really
tough. I really feel for you and that. Um, If you were to have another
baby, would you still do it at home and without medication and all of that
?
If I ever have another baby, I'll I'll still try for a home birth. Um, I
suppose it depends on. The partner I have at the time. But I would like to.
If you know if I'm having another baby and I'm at home and I'm in labor
and I have really terrible back labor again, I don't know what I'm gonna
do, to be honest with you. There won't be a blizzard. There won't be a
blizzard. That's good. Yeah,
um, so I don't know. I don't know what I would do because I know just from
my experiences and my training, I know that. If I had been in the hospital.
They would have Ruptured my water. They would have put me on pit, and if
he was stuck or in a bad position, he may not have come, and I may have
may have ended up with a section. So I know that if it happens again. The
same thing is likely to happen if I if I transferred to a hospital. And,
and that recovery. It's worse than you can't lie in for that. I mean it's
like, you know, the car is a little bit. So I think I would try to still
do it at home. You're so brave.
Yeah, I mean, you're so brave. Yeah, that's intense. It's like every step
of the way there is. Something else.
But and then through the pregnan I wasn't like, oh, I had a really like
breeze of a pregnancy, and then the labor was really challenging. It just
seemed like you had a lot of challenges and you really rose to every
occasion. It was amazing. It's really amazing. You must feel like really
strong. So some days I don't, but most days I, you know, I'm like, OK, I
can do this. Like I can't get through anything, even, even if it doesn't
feel like it that day, just get through the day, you know, um. There's a,
there's a quote by this poet, uh. Rainer Reila, have you heard of him? Um
, he's a German poet, and there's a quote of his and it says, let
everything happen to you, Beauty and terror, just keep going. No feeling
is final. And I always, always think of that. Even back then I thought of
that. And I thought, OK, we can, we can get through it. We can do it. Um,
so yeah, it's, I guess it's. Now that I think about it and now that I'm
telling, telling it, I guess it has been like kind of a crazy 2 years, 2.5
years. I'm tired.
I hope it gets better from here. I'm sure it will. Are you with someone
now? Mhm, yeah, yeah, we started dating in in May. So we've been dating
for like 3 months. And that's been, it's been good. It's been a little
challenging
just with
with yeah, with, I don't have a lot of time. I mean, before his dad was
here. You know, I didn't have. I had even less time. Now I have 2 nights a
week to myself and I usually spend them with my boyfriend. And he's also
has a child. We recently had the kids meet, which was a big thing, you
know. Are they close in age. Um, his son is 5 and my son is 2 1/2, so they
got along well when they met and. And yeah, that that went well, but. It's
it's just hard having a relationship. Amidst everything else like the
stresses of. I mean, I work, I work roughly 43 hours a week. What field
are you in? I work at a pest control company, so I work. Kind of a hybrid
administrative customer service role. I answer the phones. And I set the
routes for everybody who does the pest control. Um, and I do a lot of the
paperwork and stuff like that, so. It's I leave at 7 in the morning and I
don't pick up Ramsey from my mom until 5:45, 6. And so I have a lot of
guilt about it.
And every 6 weeks I get a half day during the week and then I work a half
Saturday, which is what I did yesterday.
So it wasn't it wasn't too bad, but thanks for taking the time to talk
with us. Oh yeah, yeah. Is your mom watching him now, he's with his dad.
Yeah. No, this is great. I think. I think you gave us a lot to work with
. I mean a lot. The quote was good too. Sorry, I said um so much. I didn't
at all at the beginning a little bit, but yeah, I
I didn't pick up on that at all. OK. I was taking lots of other notes. I'm
going to go ahead and stop. OK.