This is for Solis interviewing Angela Larkin. OK, um, September for the
Creative Push project, September 19th at I'm sorry, I forgot. 12:15
some sort of problem, I think. You know, it's funny because I really did
think there's something happened to me. There was some sort of like I fell
on my head as a baby or just something, but my son is exactly the same,
and he, nothing's happened to him, so. Anyway, so if you could just tell
us a little bit about yourself. Uh, sure, yeah, I am, yeah, my name is
Angela Larkin. I'm a graphic designer. I work with my husband, Kyle, as
well as I um have a full-time job where I do, uh, mostly graphic design
for Whole Foods. Um, so I do environmental graphic design predominantly,
which is like All Whole Foods are different, so when you go in, every
single one is designed completely differently. They're not like templatey
, like a like a Safeway or something. So, um, we do, yeah, lots of signs,
um, big wall pieces, like anything that's hanging decor wise in the space
, so I design signs, basically. No, that's not true. No, I'm totally
fascinated by it. So did you work with this new one on? Theto is one of
mine. Yeah, yeah, it's beautiful. Thanks. That's so impressive.
All right, and you went to ASU? Yeah. Kyle and I went to ASU both for
undergrad and graduate school, so ASU success story. Yeah, sure. I see,
are you in touch with the current faculty or anything? Yeah, well, because
Kyle still teaches, um, so yeah, and I taught for a bit while I was in
grad school there, like some of the undergrad classes and stuff because
they don't have you guys coming and talking to a mom and you know because.
We do some of that. I mean, I go and I do reviews, um, for, yeah, like
one of my um colleagues teaches a bunch of second year classes and so I
come in and do like the midterm and end of year reviews for her and um I
come and Do a little bit of that for, I don't know, less frequently for
like the grad students and stuff, but yeah, I mean I've I've done a little
coming and talking. Um, Kyle every year as part of, you know, a studio
that he teaches, does like a photography. Just like, hey, because we're
going to be doing a project where you need photos and like let me give you
some very basic information on how to take photos that aren't terrible,
which is basically all I can really talk to, but like um yeah, I go in
that day and like you know talk about how a camera works and stuff and
it's great yeah. OK, so thank you so much for agreeing to do this. Um, so
you have one child, one child, and there was a miscarriage after. Um, is
an ectopic pregnancy, so it's where the um fertilized egg implants in your
fallopian tube. So it's, I had to go have it surgically like my Um, right
Fallopian tube had to be taken out. Are you comfortable talking about that
? Yeah, I can talk about it. So if we could have you talk about the first
birth and then um the second pregnancy, and we might treat it as two
separate. We'll just have to see how it goes. Um, but so if you can think
back to as far back as you can to the beginning, to the conception, and
take us back so that we can be oriented, you know, like if it was. A cold
winter's night or was it planned? Was it not planned? Our last speaker had
angry sex for the consent. So they don't have to get too details. Yeah, I
I don't know if I could describe the specific day, but you know was it the
whole thing ovulation kits and scheduled for the first time I was pregnant
, it was planned. Um, we'd been married for Trying to think I was 20. 12,
so we, we've been married for just about a year and um the date of like
when we conceived is around our anniversary like for so that's how I
remember like, oh yeah, it was basically around then um wasn't actually
our anniversary, but it was like around that time we've been married for a
year um we had been together for a super long time like we started dating
in college like junior year, so we've been together for maybe like.
Math, like 8 years or something, um, and but even though we'd only been
married for a year, so. Um, so yeah, like I was, I think 29.
And I just was like, OK, I think, you know, like we've been together a
long time. You know, we were in a good situation, so, um, excuse me. So
yeah, so we decided that we were gonna start trying. Like we had friends,
kind of all of our friends like seemed like they were either like about to
like have a baby or like we're getting pregnant and stuff, and it was just
like, OK, yeah, let's do this. Like, I think we can probably do this if
other people we know are doing this, um. So yeah, so when we started
trying, we, it was the very first month that we were trying, that we got
pregnant with him. So it wasn't like, uh, now that I've had a second
pregnancy, I've kind of had both extremes, um, but like it would happen
really, really fast the first time, um. And I couldn't tell you like when
specifically like it happened, but it was, it was easy, it was like we
were um. In that very like first, like, I don't know, like we're just
going to try this and we're going to see, like we're not going to plan
anything or like, yeah, we're not going to look at like ovulation cycles,
like we're just going to like go off birth control and see if this works
and it happened so, so fast, so Um, So fast, even I think I didn't realize
that I was late cause I wasn't paying that much attention because I was
like, it's real unlikely that it's gonna be like this month and so it was
Uh, just after 4th of July that I found out that I was pregnant and I had
drank like a lot of liquor on on 4th of July, and I remember feeling like.
Oh crap. This is so bad. Um, but yeah, like I just remember that I was
like I was like, huh, I should check the calendar and just see, and I was
probably like 3 or 4 days late and um. I think I was even a little bit in
denial that like that could be. Uh, what it was because I didn't want my
hopes up, you know. And so we had friends over, uh, that were like in from
out of town and um they had brought wine. I remember like having a glass
of wine even though I was like. I might be pregnant. I'm not going to like
, you know, pay attention or whatever. Um, so, but when I told Kyle after
that, like, oh, I'm like, by the way, like 4 or 5 days late now, and he's
like, What is wrong with you? Like you need to take a test. And I was like
, Well, I mean it just, I could be just whatever, very regular, like, who
knows. Um, but yeah, so I I I was, we got a test. I don't even think we
had one at the house and I, uh Woke up like super super early the next
morning. Like I think I was like, well, I'm just gonna do it like first
thing in the morning and of course I woke up at like 4 and 5 and 6 and um
finally did it and it was like positive like immediately because I was
probably close to a week late and uh. Yeah, I just remember like my whole
uh. Uh, I don't know. It was shocking to me even though it was intentional
and like expected and probably very obvious to someone not in total denial
about it, like, um, but yeah, I just like I was still in bed and I think I
had woken up, uh, when I Had probably, you know, walked out of the room
and stuff, so when I came back in, he was awake and I was like, we're
having a baby,
um. Uh, yeah, and I mean, he was excited and um like we just got back into
bed and we hung out and. That morning I remember like we went out to
breakfast and it was like. It was really nice. I mean, cuz, you know, we
were the only people that knew it was like our special secret and like we
went out, we had like breakfast to kind of celebrate like. Funny thinking
of going out to breakfast now, but um with a two year old, but uh, but
yeah, like. I don't know, it was just like uh.
It was exciting. We're really happy and I had. No, like, really, I wasn't
worried about anything. Um, and I mean the the rest of my pregnancy went
really smoothly. Like I, you know, I never had to worry about anything,
was which was nice, but It's just it's funny now to think of it because
I'm comparing it to like the second time where things did go wrong and I
think I knew more things that could go wrong, where the first time I was
like, Happy go lucky. Like everything's everything's easy. And um so can
you talk about the experience of pregnancy when maybe you started really
feeling pregnant and you know just kind of try to get back into that
headspace. Sure. Yeah, I probably, I started feeling the first real signs
of being pregnant when I was maybe like 6 weeks, I started to feel sick.
So I had pretty typical morning sickness, um, from about 6 weeks to maybe
like 14 weeks-ish, like, you know, second half of the first trimester. Um
, we were traveling, we had a wedding to go to in Seattle one weekend, and
we had another wedding to go to in London the following weekend. And that
was kind of in the middle of that first trimester and I had work travel
and stuff. I think I've traveled. Maybe to like 3 like I took 3 different
flights and stuff, um, that first like month that we knew and. Um, Yeah, I
, I mean, I actually had like fairly mild morning sickness. I never threw
up, but I was just, I always said it was like having a hangover because I
just kind of felt like shit all the time. Like I always felt like I'm not
gonna barf, but I feel kind of like barfing and I'm just like really tired
and I just don't like talk to me. um. And even, but yeah, it was like. I
don't know. There's that romantic notion of it though, cause it's like,
you know what's happening and like I'm pregnant. That's why I'm feeling
sick. So I, I think like there was. I don't know, um, it was kind of. Like
he didn't feel that bad even though like I felt kind of crappy all the
time and I was like hiding it from work and I was like traveling from for
work and going places, but I hadn't told them yet, so I couldn't really
explain why I didn't want to go through the Um, what do they call that
thing, the back scatter X-ray thing that you have to walk through. I was
going to call it, yeah, a metal detector. Yeah, well, you can walk through
a metal detector, um, but yeah, I'm not even sure that's really what it's
called, but yeah, um, but yeah, I remember like I had to go and get the
pat down, you know, the like freedom massage, um, all the time and it was
like people were waiting for me because it takes forever. You have to
stand there and wait for them to find a female and like. I don't know why
, but there's like two Homeland Security female at any time. They're not
where you are and so it always takes forever and so people were like
waiting for me and I think they just thought I was like really worried
about it, you know. I think this was kind of in that time period where it
was relatively new and people were like a little bit nervous about it and
um. Yeah, so, and I was like holding, you know, the group up or whatever
when I was we were traveling and I was like, sorry, I just really don't
know what's going on with this whole radiation thing or whatever. Um, so
I'm sure they thought I was nuts. But, uh, but yeah, and then, um, that
there was that period between like where I was feeling fine, um, stomach
wise. I wasn't feeling morning sickness anymore. Uh, but I hadn't started
to feel movement yet. I think that's the worst because. You're like I
don't have an actual physical reminder that I'm pregnant. So you're like,
I'm assuming everything's fine, and I'm not like a super worrier just as a
personality anyway, but, you know, like I had other friends who were
pregnant at the same time, and I'd hear, you know, you just hear people be
like, oh, I'm like, I'm really worried about this. I'm really worried
about this. You're like, should I be worried about this thing? Like, um. I
remember knowing somebody that bought one of those like Doppler things so
they could like listen to the heartbeat at their own house so that they
could just remind themselves that everything was fine. Um, I remember
thinking like that's a little much, but you know it was like, you know,
that time period where you're you're like, I guess I'm pregnant. I mean,
every, you know, every time I go to the doctor, they, they agree, so I
probably am, but like they're, yeah, um. And then I probably started
feeling movement around 18 weeks maybe. So that was exciting and that's
like where you, then I kind of felt like, OK, then now I can kind of um.
Pay attention to those feelings and not to uh and not worry about it. um.
So how was the um how was the weight gain and the bloating and all of the
other stuff that I don't remember being that bad until later in the
pregnancy. um I think I gained. 25 or 30 pounds, it's like the normal
amount. It wasn't like a a huge amount, um.
I mean, I just remember feeling really uncomfortable fairly early. I have
a friend who had her baby and she like went on like a 4 mile hike, I think
like a week before I was born and I was like, I think, you know, from
maybe 2 months out, I was so uncomfortable like it was difficult to, you
know, get off the couch or to like walk around the block and um I just,
yeah, like I think I carried really low, um, in that, you know, the last
couple of months were like were not great, and I remember having to buy
new flip flops right before I went into the hospital because like none of
my shoes really fit. So like I definitely had to at my feet, but it felt
like it happened right at the end. Stretch marks too. I was, I think I was
like, I don't think I'm really getting too many stretch marks and then
really in the past like the last like 3 weeks maybe it was when they like
all showed up. They got like all the stretch marks, all the swelling, you
know, all that stuff, um. But like I just remember like, oh man, I just
had like he was like carrying so low. I felt like I was being like stabbed
in the crotch like every time I was walking around like towards right
before um you know probably the last month or so of it like I just
remember I'd be like walking normally and then be like oh I was like I. I
don't know, it'd be like a foot or something that would um. But like I was
pretty comfortable. I mean, I had that really nice middle, uh, you know,
few months where I still had like energy and um you know, was like
comfortable and everything was good. Did you have a plan, or were you just
the plan was here? I, I had a very loose plan. I mean, I was, I had a
pretty, I mean in the end I had a pretty, you know. Medical birth, um,
which isn't necessarily what I was looking for, but I was pretty open to
just knowing that like the the amount of control you really have is not
great um over what happens. And I mean, When I actually did. Give birth,
um. It did kind of go.
Not how I expected, um, but I was expecting to be surprised, I think, so I
wasn't super concerned about it. Um, I just said, I remember so many
people telling me. Like you can make a plan, but your baby is going to do
what they're gonna do, um, so. I never really made one. I just kind of had
a general sense of like, um, my mom, you know, had both my brother and I
naturally and I was like, well, I, you know, probably shoot for that, but
like I wasn't opposed to like getting an epidural, you know, if I felt
like I wanted one. My plan was basically to go in and just um
Probably just hold off on getting anything I didn't need until like I felt
like, you know, it was more necessary, so. Um, when I went in, you know, I
think I was.
I remember them telling me at one point that like they didn't think I was
in active labor. I think I was dilated like 6 centimeters and I was like.
You know, contractions were like every minute and a half or something.
They're like, I don't think you're quite in active labor yet. And I was
like, I am going to punch you. You're a terrible person. Um, And that's,
you know, about when I was like, OK, I guess I'll have that epidural if
it's gonna get like 100 times worse than this. Great. Um, but yeah, I
didn't, I didn't really have a plan, and I remember them just like they
kept asking me like, well, do you want, um, do you want an epidural or do
you want, you know, pain medication or whatever they say. And uh I just
kept saying, well, like, yeah, like I'll hold off a little bit more and
stuff, but um.
Yeah. So when did you, did you, OK, tell me about what hide getting to the
hospital. Like your water broke or did you? Yeah, my water broke at home,
which I feel like is a thing that always happens in movies, but they tell
you it is really not going to happen to you. Um, but that's how mine
happened, um. Yeah, I was at home. My parents had come into town. They
live in California and they were coming for 2 weeks and so they came like.
Two days before my due date or something. I mean, they were kind of
cutting it close and I remember that they, the doctor had told me I had
been 3 centimeters dilated for like the the last month of the pregnancy or
something. So I remember at 36 weeks I was like, oh my God, I can have
this baby anytime, you know, and then I really, it didn't progress from
that at all until, you know, I was actually having the baby, but my
parents had come into town and I was like, OK. Now if like I have the baby
, like everything's cool. Like they're here, like they can help out, um,
you know, my mom can be in the hospital with us and stuff. Um, so they
came, it was my actual due date. I went to the doctor and that morning,
and they were like, oh yeah, like I think things were starting to kind of
happen a little bit. And so the doctor stripped my membranes and said,
like, hey, I'm I'm the one that's in the hospital tonight cause I go to a
practice that has several doctors, so you just don't know who you're gonna
actually get. She's like, well, I'll be the one, you know, at the hospital
tonight, so I'll probably see you. I was like, OK, cool. See you. Um Yeah
, and I went home and I remember just feeling kind of uncomfortable the
whole day, like, which I was feeling uncomfortable all the time, so, you
know, whatever. But yeah, I just kind of felt crappy. I just remember
feeling crappy and like I went for a walk around the neighborhood, and I
ate uh a lot of pineapple because someone had told me like, that that was
a thing, which I didn't really believe, but I like pineapple, so I was
like, whatever, I'll just eat this pineapple anyways. And yeah, I was I
was just sitting at the counter in our kitchen and. Um, but my water break
and was like, you know, what's happening? Am I peeing myself like what's
going on and. went and realized that's what it was. And I remember I
didn't like I don't know why I wasn't more prepared, but I didn't have
maxi pads or anything like that was really absorbent, you know, I had like
panty liners. This is not going to help. And so I spent, you know, I knew
that I had time. So I was like, well, I'm going to Uh, send Kyle and take
my mom, cause you probably don't know anything about, you know, lady stuff.
So. I sent them to like CVS or something to buy like a package of stuff
and I took a shower and I was like whatever, this is fine. Started having
contractions. I think this was like around 8 o'clock, so. You know, I
remember just being like, OK, like cool, like I was excited, I was nervous
like um. I just remember like I had, I have like I had a yoga ball thing
and I was like, I'll sit on this for a while and you know, uh I think they
had said if your water breaks, you have like 6 hours to get to the
hospital, or like you should come either when your contractions are at
whatever, 5 minutes apart or something, or if it's been this long and you
, you know, cause you're losing fluid, so. Yeah, I just I. I, uh, waited
the contractions got more intense and um. I just remember like my friend
had given birth a couple months before and I had like grilling her like.
What do they feel like? Like, how do you know what it is and stuff? And
um as it turned out, I, he was sunny side up when I was having uh back
labor. So I never felt anything like what people had told me it would feel
like. It was just like. Painful in my back. Like it really didn't feel
like um the way people describe a typical contraction. So I think for a
while I was like, is this happening? Oh, I can tell cause I like, I'm
having trouble speaking that that's what this is happening, but it feels
nothing like what I was expecting. It just felt like, you know, a lot of
like pressure and pain and like kind of like really bad like cramps, um,
but I never felt that kind of like rapping, squeezing feeling that um
people talk about. And Uh, yeah, like I, I, I think I did at one point get
to, you know, maybe 2 or 3 hours of like being at home and just. You know
, we started to time them and we're like, OK, they're getting to be,
they're close and like, OK, I think we're gonna go and it's like 11
o'clock at night. And so Kyle and I drove in one car and my parents took a
separate car because they were, you know, knew they were going to be like
probably wanting to come home and stuff. And Kyle, uh, we don't live super
far from like uh.
of the hospital, yeah, we don't live super far from the hospital and uh so
I think it was like less than 10 minute drive or something and I just
remember feeling so awful and just like Every little movement was so
painful and Kyle will talk about when we got into the parking garage, the
actual parking garage at the hospital for the maternity section is like,
you're supposed to park on the 3rd floor or something and it's like, you
know, you're spiraling around and there are speed bumps every few feet or
whatever. I felt like every few feet. I'm sure it's like every 100,
whatever. Uh, but yeah, so we, we were going through this thing and Kyle
probably was going 4 miles an hour or something, and I was like, oh my God
, slow down, like yelling at him to like, I'm sure he was going like this
, but it just felt like it was all the bumps in the world like we're in,
you know, in that car, um. But yeah, we, we pulled in and went into the
hospital and we had already checked in, so I think the process was pretty
easy and I was like not able to really like articulate myself. So, you
know, he was able to just do the quick part of that and um.
They brought us into the like triage area where they have the little
curtained rooms and they. They wanted to like check the amniotic fluid to
make sure that's what it was and it wasn't just like, you're peeing
yourself like and can't help it um for like 4 hours. Like, no, I'm pretty
sure that's not what it is, but Yeah, so they had to check that to make
sure that it was, uh, that that was really what it was and. Um, so I think
we, you know, we hung out in that room for like an hour and I'm like
having. Contractions regularly and um. Uh I just I remember when they
finally did say they were going to move us to an actual like labor and
delivery room that like I was wearing the hospital gown I think is open in
the back. They asked me if I wanted to walk or be wheeled, you know, to
the labor and delivery room and I was like, I, I would prefer to walk
because I knew that was like good for, you know, kind of progressing
things along, and I also just kind of everything sucked and I was like, I
just, whatever. I, I'd rather just like walk if it's gonna be better. Um,
and it was so far. Like I thought we were just going to go down the hall.
I think we like went over here, we went to this other building and like
around and um, and I remember that like the whole time like the gown I'm
wearing, there's no back to it. So my butt is like hanging out and just
like walking through the waiting room with all these people, and I could
not have cared less. I was like, there's my butt. Get a good look,
whatever, cause like you're just so um out of it. And when we finally got
to a labor and delivery room, like, they settled me into bed. Um, I wanted
to take a shower, and they had like, they have, you know, showers and
stuff and baths in there and that you're supposedly able to use. And I
remember they were um They weren't like argumentative about it, but they
really didn't want me to. And I was like, I'm sorry, what is it here for
then? Isn't it like for this? What would we want to keep you hooked up to
the monitors all the time. And I'm like, Everything seems fine, right?
Like everything seems fine. Um, so finally they let me take, and they were
like, no longer than 10 minutes and they didn't want the water to be hot.
And they wanted me to sit, because they didn't want me to like fall in
the tub. So like, but just Kyle went in with me to the little room that's
in the the bigger room and I'm like, fuck this. And I'm like turning it up
hot and like I'm because I wanted it to be shooting right on my back
because that's where I was hurting and I wanted like the hot, like high
pressure water like on my back and um You know, I remember Kyle just being
like, we're not supposed to be doing this. And I'm like, Shut up. Like I
don't care. This is not bad for you. Like I know it's not bad for you.
Like I have a brain and I've read this is fine. Um, but I think they I
think they were just like worried that I would fall over a slip or
something. Um, but yeah, I like stood in there for the 10 minutes that
they gave me and then they made me get out again, um.
Time is a little blurry at this point, I. Don't, I mean, I'm sure like a
few hours passed, I think, and they came and checked me and I was like at
6 centimeters or something, and I think I'd been 5 when I I checked in and
um they were like, uh, this isn't going quite as fast as we wanted it to.
It looks like your Like your um bag of waters or whatever they call it, is
like it's got a tear in it and that's why you've been like leaking fluid,
but it's not actually completely um ruptured. So we want to basically
break it the rest of it. We think it's kind of in the way. So like the
baby's kind of behind it and then like this full bag is like sitting there
kind of like blocking progress. So we just want to kind of break it the
rest of the way and then um we think things will speed up. And I was like
, uh, yeah, that's totally fine. Um. I think this was the point where
someone said, I mean, and then we think you'll really go into more active
labor, like you're not really in active labor now. And I was like, I am
going to murder you. This is terrible. I cannot believe that you would
even suggest that to me. Um. And I had had a friend that had had this done
and had told me it was like incredibly painful, which now I think other
people have told me it's not. So I think that was just my fear. But that
was the point where I said, OK, I'll take that epidural now. Why don't you
do it before you do the breaking the waters and then like, I'll have it
for that portion and then it like, I won't be. I was worried that I would.
have a whole lot of pain after that and then I would have to wait like an
hour or something for someone to like come back and be able to help um
like an anesthesiologist to come back. So I said, like, let's just do this
now and um Yeah, like, super nice. I remember the anesthesiologist was
like super nice. I could also, there was someone having a natural birth in
the room next door to me who was bellowing like a cow and was terrifying
to like listen to that as I was like at like 6 centimeters or whatever.
And um I remember the anesthesiologist coming in and you know, she's like
setting me all up and stuff and she's talking to the nurse and What's
going on over there? And he's like, Oh, it's a natural birth, and she's
like, I hate natural births. I was like, well, that's lovely. I mean, it's
sort of your job like to not do that, I guess, but I mean, it struck me as
odd. Um, but like she did a great job putting in the epidural. I've heard
people say they have problems with them. I didn't. Like it was totally
fine. And um I just remember feeling like. Such relief and and just so
warm. I hadn't been sleeping very well for a while, you know, just because
you're like really uncomfortable at that point. And I remember like laying
back in the the bed and they had put all these blankets on me and. I was
like so snuggly and warm and cozy and it was I probably and then I fell
asleep and I probably slept for. A couple of hours, you know, maybe like 3
or 4 hours, and they came back and they were like, oh, you're at a 10. And
I was like, this is the best. I should have done this from the beginning.
Like, I just got to like sleep and snuggle up like to and now I'm like
ready to have this baby. Let's do this. Um. And so they're like, OK, like
I think we're, you know, we're ready to push, like, let's do it. And they
set me all up and I mean I like I couldn't feel my legs, which wasn't.
Ideal, but like it seemed fine. They were able to like just move me around
and kind of hold them and stuff and and I had no pain. Um, and I pushed
for a while, like I want to say the first session was like an hour or two.
And they had realized at some point during this like that he was Sunny
side up and they had not figured that out prior to this. It's kind of hard
to tell, I guess, because when they're like reaching their handed and
they're feeling for Like they feel the the top of their head, and it's not
really super easy to tell whether there's which side is the front and the
back. It's just a dome, right? So. They know, and they hadn't been doing
ultrasounds or anything cause otherwise everything was normal and fine and
they had just not been checking like, oh shoot. Well, It's fine, we can
still do this and um. They tried like stuff to get him to flip around,
they tried. Several people tried to manually flip her around, and I'm glad
that I'm really good at this point that I had the epidural because I have
a feeling that would have been awful. But like they were like getting
right-handed people, left-handed people. They told me that my doctor who
was there to deliver was one of the best people at getting the babies to
flip over. She came in and, well, she was one of the, you know, the people
that was trying, wasn't like there was a line, but Um, there, she was
trying to like get him to turn over because what would happen is like I
would push and he would get hung up on my pelvis. And so they actually had
told me even like fairly early on in the process, like, oh, we see we can
see the top of his head, and then it kind of gets sucked back in. And but
like he he couldn't get over that hump. um. And
I mean, this is a point to where I think it's kind of tough because if you
, this is like the classic like medicalized, you know, birth in America
like where you know possibly if I had been in a different situation, like
if I had been with a midwife or something, you know, like had a doula or
something like they might have been able to say, oh, well, let's try some
other stuff and um whatever, but The OB was like, OK, well, we're gonna
try this for a bit, but like, we're gonna give you a few hours and then,
like, we're gonna have to do a C-section if we can't get the baby to like
either flip over or like come out or whatever. Um, well, I guess those are
the options, but So I was like I did not want a C-section. That was not
really the only thing that I was like trying really hard to avoid, um. But
so we tried, I pushed for a couple of hours that first session. I mean,
everything seemed like it was fine other than the fact that he was upsides
, you know, upside down, but like flipped over, um. So
It just seemed like, well, there's a pretty good chance we're going to get
him to flip over and we're gonna, um, you know, or like this will probably
still work. I remember the nurse that I had was so great, and she was so
positive and supportive and like she just wanted to help me do whatever I
wanted to do. um, and she was like Uh, awesome at like, you know, coaching
me through the actual pushing and stuff. Like I just, I remember feeling
like this is awesome. Like this is fine. Like go epidurals like like this
is totally cool, except like he wouldn't come out. Um, and they, so
they're like, OK, well, let's take a break. And they, you know, they let
me take a break. They tried this thing, they have like a peanut shaped um
ball that like if you're Uh, if you had an epidural in your, you can't
like feel your legs, it kind of helps do some of the stuff that they would
have you do otherwise. So they like, they kind of rotate you on your side.
They have the peanut ball like so that your legs are squishing it and
they like rotate you back and forth and just try to get you to like Lay on
one side for a while, lay on the other side, like they kind of move you
around to just to try and get like that to naturally happen. So we did try
that for like a couple hours, they gave me a break, they came back and we
did like more pushing, more people try to like manually flip them over and
at the end of, I think, 4 hours, like, I was just starting to get really
tired and they were like, this is just becoming less and less effective
the longer we do it. And because my water had broken and like, You know,
probably like, I don't know, 14 hours before or something. They just kind
of wanted to make sure everything was good. I mean, nobody was in distress.
Like, he baby wasn't in distress, I was fine, um, but They were like,
this is the direction this is going, like you're probably gonna end up
with a C-section, uh. And when they finally like we're like, OK, this is
like the end of this, like we're done, we're not trying more stuff like
this is what's happening now, we're like. Um, it wasn't like a dire
situation. So they were like, this is what's happening now rushing me in
there, but they were just like, we're gonna like go set up like the OR
because like that's where this is going and um and I just remember like
crying because that was like the only thing I really
I was like, I felt like my body was like did all the other stuff that it
was supposed to do, you know, and that like I knew that like all this
other stuff could have gone wrong. Like I knew so many people who had to
be induced. I knew tons of people that like had you know babies that were
breech or like um that had stuff start to happen once they were in labor.
None of that ever happened to me. I was like, this is, it's all great.
And then the fact that like right at the finish line they were like, I'm
gonna go like do a C-section. That was like really heartbreaking for me.
Um. But You know, I remember the doctor came back in and she saw me like
crying because I just signed the consent form. She's like, I hope those
are like happy tears. And I was like, they're not. They're not happy tears.
I am very upset about this, but I mean, I was also trying to be like. Hey
, I just want to like be done and like see my baby too. So I mean I was
really upset, but at the same time I was like, OK, I accept that this is
happening. Let's just do it. Um, and then while we were waiting for them
to set up the OR, uh, one of the things they had done to try to help me,
um, push differently or better, uh, was they had turned the epidural down.
And To see if it would help to have you feel it more, which it didn't,
but that was fine. It was never like really horribly painful. Um, but I
was like, oh, there's a button you can turn that up and down. I had not
known that up to this point. And I remember sitting there and saying to
Kyle, like, Hey, since we have to wait 20 minutes or whatever, can you
crank that back up to like whatever, like click it a couple times because
like I'm really starting to get uncomfortable. And it was like in a
cartoon like he like had the the line and he was trying to find where the
button was and he's like feeding along, you know, his hands along the line
and it wasn't plugged into anything anymore. He got to the end and it
wasn't actually plugged in because they were about to move the bed. But so
like they had just disconnected everything so I wasn't actually hooked up
to the um the whatever the drugs are that they give you that way anymore
and I was like.
That's like where I was really started to I freaked out because I was like
, I don't know how long I have to wait here and I'm not like hooked up to
anything and it really hurts and I can't move my legs and I can't like
move. I felt like really kind of claustrophobic a little bit, um, uh, but
I'm sure it was like terrible at the time, but now it's just kind of a
blur in my memory because like you just don't think about it. You don't
remember that stuff the the most, but it can't have been very long. I'm
sure it was just a couple of minutes before they moved me and um Yeah, but
when you went in and they started the C-section, you didn't feel anything
though because your epidural hadn't worn off or anything. No, and and they
they change what they give you then anyways because I think what they give
you in like the labor and delivery for your epidural is like just it's
kind of like a a nerve blocking painkiller, but when you go in and you're
having the C-section, they give you a whole bunch more stuff, um, because
like It's a totally different feeling because I felt like myself with the
epidurallogist, my legs were numb, but like I'm sorry. I'm going to pause
you for one second. I'm worried that we're running a little bit long and
what is our next person's name? How do I say it properly? It's Cherie,
Cher. Oh, that's right. Sheri, OK. I have to run next door just to tell
them to bring her over here.
Um, so because I can't stop touching it
anymore. I know. And then you're like, stop touching it. I'm like, OK. And
then I completely forget for a second. I didn't want to distract you
because you're saying, OK, so yeah, we're recording now. OK, so, um,
so maybe take us to lunch. Yeah, so they moved me into the OR and uh you
know, moved me onto the table and Have a different anesthesiologist who's
a man. I think the only man that was involved in any of it because my
doctor was a woman and my nurses were women. Um, but he was, he was very,
very soothing, um, which was nice, like, and he was the person that was
kind of my guide to the process, uh, because he sat right above my head,
you know, kind of like laying on the thing and my arms are out, like Jesus
on the cross, like style and there Because they're like putting stuff, you
know, in your arms or whatever they're doing. Um, but yeah, he stood over
my head and he was kind of walking me through everything that was
happening. OK, now they're going to do this, now they're going to do this.
And I was a little bit afraid, like, yeah, what if I do feel something,
you know, when they like Um, but he was like. I forget what he said. It
was so funny in the moment, but it was something along the lines of. OK,
like, you know, poking me, like, do you feel anything? Do you feel
anything? And I was like, No. And he was like, Good, because like they're
cut open your stomach already. I was like, oh, good, I feel nothing. So
that's that's handy. But um It was I think I was saying they change drugs
um when you go in there because I started to feel so sleepy. um, and you
know, you're behind the curtain, you can only really see her I don't know
, I have like photos of this and you you can just see like my face and I
have like a cap on and stuff, but you can't even see my arms, but Um, The
the anesthesiologist talking to me and you know, walking me through
everything and he's like, you know, if you feel anything, let me know and
I will fix it for you. And he started feeling some pain in my right
shoulder, and he, I'm like, excuse me, like, um, my shoulder hurts, like
thinking that might be like some kind of a cramp or something, and he goes
, Oh yeah, that's um Shoot, what did he call it? It's like. It's like pain
that's migrated from one part of your body to another because it doesn't
have anywhere to go. So he said that's because they have your uterus
outside of your body right now, and their uterus doesn't have any pain
receptors in it. So it's the pain is finding a different place to go. And
I was like, that is the weirdest thing ever. Um, even in my like drug
stupor, I was like, Really? That's what's happened. That's really strange
, but he managed to do something to like the arrangement of drugs or
whatever that like made that pain go away. At least I was like, I'm having
this, and he said, OK, I'll fixed it for you, but that XY or FYI this is
what it is. OK, so strange. Um, but yeah, like, I mean, I think C-sections
are kind of they're rough, you know, um, uh, my husband's best friend is,
is a family doctor, so he's like Attended tons and tons of births, and
it's like, yeah, they just, they just go in there and they get the baby
out and it's's not like gentle and it's you know um I didn't feel any of
that, but I was amazed at how fast he was born. I think we went into the
operating room and I was in there for maybe like 1 hour total, like 4
minutes into it is when my son was born. Um, so it's like really fast.
They're just like, get you down there and they're just like slice and
like. Pull baby out and um. Yeah, he, he immediately cried, um, he was.
Perfectly healthy. Like he got high the scores, whatever they are that
they give him in the hospital. Apgar, yeah, he had like all nines I think
on his Apgar scores. And so he was like he was did fine. He was great. He
had a full head of dark hair, um, which all fell out a couple of months
later. He's totally blonde now, but he had a full head of dark hair when
he was born. And, and yeah, he was, he cried immediately and they like,
you know, barely cleaned him up, just wrapped something over him and they
brought him over to me, but because my arms were like attached to the
table, I was like I can't really do anything and I was so, so sleepy. I
just remember like I was fighting so hard to stay awake because I
obviously like I wanted to make sure everything was fine with him. So like
like hand him to K and bring him around in my head and you know they're uh.
There's like pictures of me where I'm like, you know, drunkenly looking
at him, but they're just kind of holding him right here. And um, Kyle and
I had been deciding between uh two names, so it was either going to be
Owen or Cooper. And I remember he held them up to me and I was like, he
looks like an Owen, doesn't he? And Kyle was like, Oh yeah, I think he
would have said yeah to whatever. um because I I was like having my
insides cut out. Um, like, yeah, whatever you say, that's great, like, oh
, and it is, um. And then they like took Kyle and Owen to the recovery
room and I promptly fell asleep immediately and you know, woke up in the
recovery room later. Um, and I know Kyle told me that they, it took longer
than they thought it was going to and He was like in the recovery room
waiting for me with the baby and like waiting and waiting and waiting and
he didn't know, you know, they would come back in and he'd be like, how's
everything going? Like you guys kind of told me it should be done by now,
and they were like, uh, oh yeah, she's fine, she's fine. She's just almost
here.
We're just gonna pause and then I want to wrap up. Do I get this record?
All right, so can you think back to what you were saying that Kyle was
getting nervous? Oh yeah, he was just really, I think it was really nerve
wracking. I can I can imagine being in that situation and being like. You
know, concerned and I'm holding this baby, which I have no idea what to do
with and I mean like being the husband too it's not like you can even like
, you know, you can't like feed him or you know, do anything. And so I
think they waited. It wasn't like it took hours and hours, but it took
maybe um like 45 minutes longer than it was supposed to. So I think that's
because I like, I lost a lot of blood and they had to. I actually don't
know what they had to do specifically, but things involving that. Um, so,
yeah, it just took them longer to like get everything done back up and um
and good to go. So, yeah, then I came into the recovery room and I mean, I
woke, that's why I woke up. There's pictures of me holding Owen like right
away, and I see sometimes like these really pretty pictures of people in
the hospital. I look like shit. Like my one of my eyes is like cause the
medication's all wearing off, one of my eyes is half closed and it won't
like open when the other one is open, so I'm like. Doing this weird face
and all these um couple of photos that we have. But um but yeah, like we,
you know, I just remember feeling like very peaceful like after it was all
done with and as much as I didn't want to have a C-section, I didn't like
scar me. Oh well, I mean they did in the actual way, but not in the
emotional way. Um, I know a lot of people have like a lot of uh Feelings
about like that happening, especially if it's something that they really
didn't want and. Uh, I don't feel any of that, like, really. I mean, I
wish that it would have been nice if it happened the other way, but like I
, you know, I think like I felt the most strongly about it like right
before it happened. And then after it happened, I was just like so happy
to, you know, have him and have everything be like good and healthy and
that I didn't really care. It didn't really matter. How was it after you
came to, because a lot of the C-section people we've talked to have um had
kind of like a delay, you know, where Maybe their milk didn't come in or
they felt a little bit of a disconnect.
Yeah, so sorry. I was super worried about having trouble bonding not
because of my C-section, but just because I'm not I've never in my life
been a big kid person. I was so happy to have my own child, but I didn't
grow up babysitting cousins or Um, I didn't really like know lots of
little kids and didn't feel super comfortable around them and um. I was
worried that I would be that person that didn't quite bond and like uh and
I think I was just like, I remember talking to Kyle about it beforehand
and I'm so concerned that this is going to be the case and I think it
freaked him out a little bit because he was like In his head, I think, why
are you imagining its worst case scenario, but I think for me it was a way
to prepare in case that was what happened until like, well, it's totally
OK. This is a thing that happens to people and it'll be fine. And he's
like. Why are we talking about this that you might hate her baby. And I
was like, I'm not, you know, but um I was really, really worried that I
wouldn't bond like right away. um, but it wasn't like that. Like my milk
did take a few days to come in and that was frustrating and nerve-wracking
when we were at the pediatrician because you know he lost a little bit of
weight and The normal amount, but yeah, they were like, oh, why don't you
supplement with formula until your milk comes in because I think it was
like day 4 or 5. Um, but I think we did half of one feeding that way and
then I took a nap and I woke up and my milk could come in. So it wasn't
like a thing where we did that for a long time, um, and that was the only
form meal he ever had actually. Was that like teaspoonful like on the when
he was like 4 days old or something. How was the recovery in terms of the
scar and showering and. Um, my scar is fine. Um, they do a pretty good job
these days, I think of making them pretty minimal. Uh, I mean, it was, it
was tough. I was really glad my parents were there for two weeks, like, it
was amazing, um, cause it was like having My mom just like cooked and
cleaned and did laundry and like did all this stuff. So like, all I really
had to do was like lay in my bed and like people would like bring me, you
know, my baby, and I'd be like, just um kind of, you know, able to like
hang out and really focus on that. Um it was awesome. Uh, like physically
it was tough and I would really, really prefer not to have another
C-section just because I just remember asking somebody. I had a friend who
had just had an appendectomy and I was like, how long before you could
roll over in your sleep and not worry that you were like ripping your
insides out? And she said, I think it was 6 weeks. And I think right
around 6 weeks, like that's when I started to feel like. Better like, but
it's really frustrating not to be able to get up and move around that well
on your own, um. I had a really hard time with that. I'm just like kind of
a busy person and I don't like sitting still and just having to sit still
and like have, you know, have like when he would cry, and no one would cry
at night that like Kyle would have to go get him for me. Like I couldn't
get up out of bed and the bassinet being 2 ft from me and you know, grab
him like that like I couldn't sit up on my own. Every time I had to sit up
, you know, he would have to come over and like, you know, pull me up and
I don't know. That was just frustrating, but so like I would not recommend
having a C-section as like a fun time. Um.
But it was short, really, in the scheme of things. I mean. Um, so we've
been separating these, uh, stories into themes, and, um, we've been asking
the storytellers in order to kind of help with that process to maybe
reflect on their experience and if they can come up with a word or
phrasing of words that maybe, um, you know, not summarizes, but, you know
, we reflects what their experience means to them.
Hm, I know it's like a really tough question. Yeah, please encapsulate
this experience,
um.
Hm.
It doesn't have to be a word, you know, I'm trying to think cause. I feel
like it was my experience was kind of like everything went right except
for this one thing, um.
And I'm just trying to think like what I had to like phrase that in a way
that makes sense. Um, cuz I, I feel like some people have such a hard time
and I I was lucky to not really have a hard time. Um,
But it certainly wasn't easy either.
I don't know, I think Uh, you, you said acceptance before, but I think
that like.
That was the only thing that was hard about it, was like accepting that it
wasn't. It was different than what I wanted, um.
Cause it wasn't, I don't know, it wasn't really hard to have the C-section.
It was harder in my mind, I think, to accept that like that was a Thing
that like Then my body didn't do it correctly, which it wasn't, it wasn't
even that. My doctor kept saying You are a great candidate for a VBAC or
after you do this, like, you have great birthing roomy birthing hips or
something, and I was like, let's stop saying that. That's not a thing that
I want to hear about. But she must have said it like 3 times when she was
convincing me to have a C-section, like we're going through. You have
really roomy birthing hips. This is gonna be great next time. I was like,
OK. Um,
Yeah, anyway, I don't know. Yeah, I think acceptance of the tough part of
it. For me. Great. Yeah.
Thank you so much. You're welcome.