WEBVTT 00:00:00.230 --> 00:00:04.467 My partner wasn't sure if he wanted to have Children. It had turned out 00:00:04.500 --> 00:00:08.347 that I had a bunch of like, gynecological problems. I'd gone to doctor 00:00:08.380 --> 00:00:11.717 after doctor and they just kept saying like, you shouldn't be in pain, you 00:00:11.750 --> 00:00:14.365 have a small cyst, like there's no reason to be in this much pain. And 00:00:14.398 --> 00:00:18.015 they just kept basically telling me I was crazy, which is part of the 00:00:18.048 --> 00:00:20.977 course, even female doctors were telling me, you know, like, oh, it's 00:00:21.010 --> 00:00:24.456 nothing but I finally saw this really good doctor and he said something's 00:00:24.489 --> 00:00:29.195 something's wrong, right? Like you had a surgery to remove this, this cyst. 00:00:29.228 --> 00:00:32.065 I had one already and I, I had another one and he's like, it shouldn't be 00:00:32.098 --> 00:00:35.777 in as much pain. So why don't we look, you know, do you consent to doing 00:00:35.810 --> 00:00:39.207 like an exploratory surgery? And he went in and came back and said, like 00:00:39.240 --> 00:00:43.987 you had like the worst case of endometrio I've ever seen and it was so 00:00:44.020 --> 00:00:46.656 vindicating, right? Because for years I'd just been told, you know, I mean 00:00:46.689 --> 00:00:49.565 , I started my period when I was 11 and so it was like, it seems like 00:00:49.598 --> 00:00:53.426 you've had it your whole life. And so I was 26 at the time when he found 00:00:53.459 --> 00:00:56.847 it. So they cleaned it all up and they said, you know, this is really 00:00:56.880 --> 00:01:02.385 serious. So you need to think about having kids now or maybe not for a 00:01:02.418 --> 00:01:06.165 long time. If ever I, I came home and I talked to my partner and we were 00:01:06.198 --> 00:01:09.915 still unsure, but he was definitely leaning more towards the, maybe we can 00:01:09.948 --> 00:01:13.617 try having a kid, which I was excited but then nervous about because it's 00:01:13.650 --> 00:01:16.947 different when, like, you have to make a decision as opposed to naturally. 00:01:16.980 --> 00:01:19.546 They said, you know, like standard surgery stuff, you're gonna have 00:01:19.579 --> 00:01:23.016 surgery, you're gonna start your period right away. I didn't and I was 00:01:23.049 --> 00:01:27.055 like, ok, I want to take a pregnancy test and for the first time he had 00:01:27.088 --> 00:01:31.087 really cued into this like struggle and he was like, I'm so sorry, I know 00:01:31.120 --> 00:01:35.656 it's hard for you to see a negative test. And I didn't say anything and he 00:01:35.689 --> 00:01:40.495 said it was negative, right? And I just shook my head. And after that, I 00:01:40.528 --> 00:01:45.355 did, you know, I, I'm a reader and a researcher and like a full time 00:01:45.388 --> 00:01:49.316 student always. And so that's how I define myself as I'm a writer and then 00:01:49.349 --> 00:01:53.546 I'm a mom. So I guess that's really it. I bought all these books and, you 00:01:53.579 --> 00:01:56.995 know, I started watching the, the huge documentary, you know, the business 00:01:57.028 --> 00:02:01.236 of being born and it changed the way I looked at birth. I didn't 00:02:01.269 --> 00:02:05.706 understand any of the medicalization or the C sections were even bad. But 00:02:05.739 --> 00:02:08.327 I also feel like it affected my expectations in a way that was really 00:02:08.360 --> 00:02:13.636 negative too. I really felt, you know, like prepared and excited and uh it 00:02:13.669 --> 00:02:19.596 , it changed. But, well, I had wanted to see the doctor that had done all 00:02:19.629 --> 00:02:23.237 the great work for me um on the endometriosis. But after watching the 00:02:23.270 --> 00:02:27.686 documentary, I noticed very quickly that his inclination was to surgery 00:02:27.719 --> 00:02:32.696 and I was distrustful of him and immediately found midwives, you know, I, 00:02:32.729 --> 00:02:36.245 I called my ob and they were like, we'll see you at six weeks and I was 00:02:36.278 --> 00:02:38.656 really scared. I had been through a miscarriage very young. And so I was 00:02:38.689 --> 00:02:41.886 like, I don't want to wait six weeks. And when I called the midwives, they 00:02:41.919 --> 00:02:46.126 were like, oh, come in tomorrow and we'll, you know, get you on vitamins 00:02:46.159 --> 00:02:48.566 and we'll start all this process. So I felt immediately more comfortable. 00:02:48.599 --> 00:02:54.656 It was all women. It, I mean, it's, it's hard to remember now because I'm 00:02:54.689 --> 00:02:59.005 in that like phase where I remember pregnancy being amazing and I know 00:02:59.038 --> 00:03:04.745 that it was not at all. I mean, he was huge. He um cracked one of my ribs 00:03:04.778 --> 00:03:08.805 and my eight month of pregnancy from just kicking it. I mean, yeah, it was 00:03:08.838 --> 00:03:14.606 , it was uncomfortable. And for me, like, I remember it was a big decision 00:03:14.639 --> 00:03:17.335 we had to make with my partner the last month of pregnancy. I was like, I 00:03:17.368 --> 00:03:21.725 want to take maternity leave early. I knew I wasn't going back to my job. 00:03:21.758 --> 00:03:25.436 We talked and talked about it. And finally I just said, like I've been in 00:03:25.469 --> 00:03:27.636 school full time and working full time my whole life. Like this is the 00:03:27.669 --> 00:03:32.196 last chance I get, I want to take the time off. And so we finally agreed, 00:03:32.229 --> 00:03:36.316 ok, I'll take the last month off. And all I did was sit around and watch 00:03:36.349 --> 00:03:42.096 like 16 and pregnant and eat burritos. And it was amazing, but also 00:03:42.129 --> 00:03:44.906 horrible because when I took the time off, I was like, I'm gonna read all 00:03:44.939 --> 00:03:49.085 these books and I'm gonna be so productive. And I think I watched every 00:03:49.118 --> 00:03:51.816 episode of 16 and pregnant because I found it on Amazon. And I was like, 00:03:51.849 --> 00:03:56.566 I'm never because watching that made me feel so prepared. I was like, ok, 00:03:56.599 --> 00:04:00.286 like, I, I'm at least better than everybody in this show, which is 00:04:00.319 --> 00:04:03.335 horrible, but it's totally true because I was terrified. But watching that 00:04:03.368 --> 00:04:07.827 , I was like, this is I've got this down right? Like I have a painted 00:04:07.860 --> 00:04:13.475 nursery little. Did I know none of that mattered? But, and then like right 00:04:13.508 --> 00:04:17.877 before my due date, I remember I was just so stressed, intense about it. 00:04:17.910 --> 00:04:22.257 And I have like post traumatic stress disorder and anxiety disorder. And 00:04:22.290 --> 00:04:26.075 so my therapist had been telling me, you know, like be aware of your body 00:04:26.108 --> 00:04:30.217 because it manifests bodily um because that might have an effect on your 00:04:30.250 --> 00:04:33.786 labor. But I had read all of these books by Aa May and whoever else. And I 00:04:33.819 --> 00:04:37.705 had thought, you know, like I went to yoga and I know how to do yoga 00:04:37.738 --> 00:04:40.995 breathing. And I, I, we have a labor tub like this is, it's going to be 00:04:41.028 --> 00:04:44.786 fine. And so my midwife noticed that I was really tense a few days before 00:04:44.819 --> 00:04:48.145 my due date. And she said, you know, you're still three centimeters. Um, 00:04:48.178 --> 00:04:52.416 you, you look good, but it's not time yet. She's, and she just told me she 00:04:52.449 --> 00:04:55.265 said, go home, take a bath, drink a glass of wine like do and just calm 00:04:55.298 --> 00:04:59.866 down. And so I kept thinking my water had broke and finally they were like 00:04:59.899 --> 00:05:04.567 , you know, put a pad in and if it's soaked within, you know, 20 minutes, 00:05:04.600 --> 00:05:09.176 then your water has broken and come in and I woke up, I think it had to 00:05:09.209 --> 00:05:14.187 have been like 1130 and I woke up and I stood up and I had this huge 00:05:14.220 --> 00:05:17.586 contraction and just like a bucket of water just came out, right. I mean, 00:05:17.619 --> 00:05:22.026 and only one in 10 women even have their water break naturally. And so I, 00:05:22.059 --> 00:05:25.086 I woke my partner up and I said, you know, my water broke and he's like, 00:05:25.119 --> 00:05:27.145 no, it didn't because I've been doing this all week, right where I'm like 00:05:27.178 --> 00:05:31.616 , I know. And I was like, no, it really, really, it really happened and he 00:05:31.649 --> 00:05:35.705 said, ok. And so we went downstairs and we left. But by that point I think 00:05:35.738 --> 00:05:38.616 I was, my contractions were like three minutes apart. I mean, it was 00:05:38.649 --> 00:05:42.906 really, it was, seemed to be going really fast. We went to the hospital, 00:05:42.939 --> 00:05:46.947 they didn't have a room for us. And so I remember I was out in the waiting 00:05:46.980 --> 00:05:50.526 room and, you know, there's all these people with like balloons and 00:05:50.559 --> 00:05:52.866 stuffed animals and it's one in the morning they're waiting to see their 00:05:52.899 --> 00:05:56.745 happy nieces and nephews and I'm like holding on to the wall, like trying 00:05:56.778 --> 00:06:01.086 not to scream like, just pouring fluid everywhere. It was horrible. And 00:06:01.119 --> 00:06:05.236 finally, like, they got a room for me and like, I just, I knew something 00:06:05.269 --> 00:06:09.616 was wrong. Right. It was horrible. It was more pain than I had ever 00:06:09.649 --> 00:06:12.265 imagined. And that was one thing that really shocked me is I remember 00:06:12.298 --> 00:06:15.726 thinking, like I read tons of books and none of them just said, like you, 00:06:15.759 --> 00:06:18.937 it's gonna hurt worse than anything you ever felt in your life. And it's 00:06:18.970 --> 00:06:23.437 like, why, why was this not in the book? Like, sure I have a labor tub and 00:06:23.470 --> 00:06:27.265 , and sure I have, you know, like good breathing skills and a tennis ball 00:06:27.298 --> 00:06:30.586 on my back. But none of it's, it's working. So we were tearing my clothes 00:06:30.619 --> 00:06:33.606 off because I didn't want them on my body and then waiting for the labor 00:06:33.639 --> 00:06:38.007 tub to fill. And once I finally got into the labor tub that helped for a 00:06:38.040 --> 00:06:41.317 while, because at this point, I think my contractions were like a minute 00:06:41.350 --> 00:06:45.356 and a half apart and it was really, really bad and it was really painful. 00:06:45.389 --> 00:06:48.687 And I just kept thinking, like, nobody told me it was gonna be this bad. 00:06:48.720 --> 00:06:50.697 And then I felt stupid because I'm like, well, of course, it was going to 00:06:50.730 --> 00:06:54.515 be bad. But, and we had had this, you know, ridiculous. Now I look at it 00:06:54.548 --> 00:06:57.995 and I just laugh like this ridiculous birth plan, right? Like we're going 00:06:58.028 --> 00:07:02.067 to have essential oils and soft music playing and no lights on and no 00:07:02.100 --> 00:07:07.026 hospital gowns and no hospital personnel and no medication and, and it's 00:07:07.059 --> 00:07:11.226 so idealistic. So this was, I think it was like six hours, maybe, maybe 4 00:07:11.259 --> 00:07:16.245 to 4 or five hours. Um and they were like, hey, we're gonna check you and 00:07:16.278 --> 00:07:20.986 I thought for sure, you know, I was six or seven, I was four centimeters 00:07:21.019 --> 00:07:23.947 and I just like, I'm doing all this stupid breathing stuff and 00:07:23.980 --> 00:07:28.596 visualization and none of it's working and, and I finally just, I, I just 00:07:28.629 --> 00:07:32.127 can't do it. And I, I said like, I need something like, I don't want an 00:07:32.160 --> 00:07:37.895 epidural and I think because he was taken by surprise and because I had 00:07:37.928 --> 00:07:43.836 told him so adamantly that I didn't want medication. My partner kind of, I 00:07:43.869 --> 00:07:46.717 don't want to say argued with me but was like, are you sure you want this 00:07:46.750 --> 00:07:50.947 ? And I had taken this as disappointment and he's disappointed in me and 00:07:50.980 --> 00:07:55.067 I'm weak for needing it. And, and I was just like, I don't, I don't care. 00:07:55.100 --> 00:07:59.877 So they gave me, I think it was Demerol and they had to hold me down and 00:07:59.910 --> 00:08:05.395 give me a shot because I didn't have an IV. And um it didn't do anything 00:08:05.428 --> 00:08:09.036 like it just made me dizzy and made me sick. And I was like, well, why the 00:08:09.069 --> 00:08:12.637 hell would you tell me this would help? Because it didn't help. And now I 00:08:12.670 --> 00:08:16.546 feel like I failed and I'm not even relieved of any pain. Now, if my 00:08:16.579 --> 00:08:20.856 midwife at that point had said the next six will go 1000 times faster. But 00:08:20.889 --> 00:08:25.346 nobody told me that either. And so I was just, I felt defeated and tired. 00:08:25.379 --> 00:08:28.325 And I remember thinking if I could just get like 20 minutes of sleep, I 00:08:28.358 --> 00:08:34.076 would have done so much better. And so it was in the labor tub. And I 00:08:34.109 --> 00:08:38.866 remember like clear day, even now I had this horrible contraction and all 00:08:38.899 --> 00:08:41.765 I wanted to do was push. And I said like, all right, like I, I need to 00:08:41.798 --> 00:08:45.826 push and they said, no, there's no way, there's no way. And I said, yes, 00:08:45.859 --> 00:08:48.496 there is. And they're like, it's gonna, you don't want me to check you. 00:08:48.529 --> 00:08:51.946 And I said, yes, I want you like you need to do it. So I got out of the 00:08:51.979 --> 00:08:55.015 tub, I, you know, dried off or whatever. And they checked me and they were 00:08:55.048 --> 00:08:58.385 like, oh my God, it's time to push. They said there's a lip of your cervix 00:08:58.418 --> 00:09:03.125 that we can wait for or we can manually push it. And I said, I do and they 00:09:03.158 --> 00:09:05.645 said it will hurt really bad. I said, I don't care. I'm in so much pain, 00:09:05.678 --> 00:09:09.116 just do it, wait for the contraction and do it. And so they did it and I 00:09:09.149 --> 00:09:13.265 started pushing and it felt really good. Like I felt really happy. I, I 00:09:13.298 --> 00:09:18.927 was excited and it was still painful, but I was channeling that pain into 00:09:18.960 --> 00:09:22.996 pushing. And I, like, I, I hit like a second stride and or maybe a first 00:09:23.029 --> 00:09:26.826 stride because I never really felt like I had one and I was pushing and 00:09:26.859 --> 00:09:29.596 pushing. And my midwife kept saying like, oh, you're doing so good, like 00:09:29.629 --> 00:09:33.917 good job. She was being really encouraging and then she left and she said 00:09:33.950 --> 00:09:39.456 , just take a, take a break and she left 00:09:39.489 --> 00:09:44.246 and she came back with a woman. I didn't know who looked like a doctor. 00:09:44.279 --> 00:09:48.366 And the midwife says to the doctor right in front of me, she's been 00:09:48.399 --> 00:09:55.236 pushing for 2.5 hours and the baby hasn't moved. And I was like, what were 00:09:55.269 --> 00:10:00.787 you going to tell me. And so the doctor said, well, like, not at all. And 00:10:00.820 --> 00:10:04.086 he said, no, the baby hasn't descended the baby, she's 10 centimeters. We 00:10:04.119 --> 00:10:08.726 moved the cervical lip. I mean, the baby was fine. Right. But hasn't 00:10:08.759 --> 00:10:15.116 descended at all. And so she, I remember the doctor goes in to like, feel 00:10:15.149 --> 00:10:20.635 the baby and it was horrible. Like, the pain was awful. And she, she said 00:10:20.668 --> 00:10:24.255 he's, he's stuck, he's twisted, he's in the wrong position. Um He's never 00:10:24.288 --> 00:10:30.096 going to come out this way. So I need to twist him, twist him back. And I 00:10:30.129 --> 00:10:33.336 said, OK, fine, twist him back and she tried to do it and I couldn't, I 00:10:33.369 --> 00:10:35.657 just couldn't handle it. And I think part of it's because she was a 00:10:35.690 --> 00:10:38.755 complete stranger. And now I see like it's my PTSD and it's all these 00:10:38.788 --> 00:10:41.986 things. I mean, she had her whole hand up my vagina, like, of course, it 00:10:42.019 --> 00:10:45.746 would cause me anxiety. And so she said, like, you need to get an epidural 00:10:45.779 --> 00:10:50.047 , like she can't do this, like it's time for an epidural. Like she just, 00:10:50.080 --> 00:10:53.076 and at that point, II, I think I fought for a little bit and I finally 00:10:53.109 --> 00:10:56.986 just, I just gave up. So the anesthesiologist comes in and, you know, you 00:10:57.019 --> 00:11:00.366 have to sit up straight and hold your back really still, which is 00:11:00.399 --> 00:11:03.576 incredibly hard when you have contractions coming every, you know, 45 30 00:11:03.609 --> 00:11:09.385 seconds. And he's like, OK, it's in wait 20 minutes and, you know, it'll 00:11:09.418 --> 00:11:13.135 start to feel much better and 20 minutes pass. And I'm like, I still feel 00:11:13.168 --> 00:11:17.186 everything. And the thing that was bothering me the most is that the 00:11:17.219 --> 00:11:21.186 nurses didn't believe me. And I was like, no, I'm telling you, I feel 00:11:21.219 --> 00:11:25.515 everything. And so the anesthesiologist came back and said, oh my God, 00:11:25.548 --> 00:11:29.657 you're right. He was really nice. Um, and he did it a second time and the 00:11:29.690 --> 00:11:33.167 second time it worked. And so I was pushing and it was the same thing. It 00:11:33.200 --> 00:11:36.135 was so much harder because I couldn't feel anything. But I had the midwife 00:11:36.168 --> 00:11:40.307 I liked and, you know, my partner and they were holding my legs back and 00:11:40.340 --> 00:11:44.125 it was so weird because I was pushing something I couldn't feel. But they 00:11:44.158 --> 00:11:47.307 kept saying like, you're doing good, like keep pushing, you're doing great. 00:11:47.340 --> 00:11:50.927 And they're like, ok, just take a break, your contractions are slowing 00:11:50.960 --> 00:11:54.346 down, which I'm sure was because of the epidural. And I was starting to 00:11:54.379 --> 00:11:58.765 get frustrated, but I was not in pain. I remember when, when it stopped, 00:11:58.798 --> 00:12:02.287 the pain stopped and they said, like, you just had a contraction, I 00:12:02.320 --> 00:12:06.436 started crying and I remember it was because I was so relieved, but also 00:12:06.469 --> 00:12:09.875 because I was so sad and I didn't expect to be sad when the pain was gone. 00:12:09.908 --> 00:12:14.206 But I was, I felt like defeated. Um, they came back and they said, ok, 00:12:14.239 --> 00:12:19.446 you really, you really have to push. You really have to put into this. And 00:12:19.479 --> 00:12:24.076 I did and it seemed like things were going well. And then the doctor came 00:12:24.109 --> 00:12:29.116 back in and they said the baby still has not moved at all. And it had been 00:12:29.149 --> 00:12:33.566 another two hours of pushing. And so I said, no, I said I'm not getting ac 00:12:33.599 --> 00:12:36.885 section and the doctor said, I'll let you push another hour, but that's it. 00:12:36.918 --> 00:12:40.436 This is all you get. And if the baby hasn't moved, we need to, we need to 00:12:40.469 --> 00:12:44.986 move on. And I think a big moment for me that was really devastating was 00:12:45.019 --> 00:12:51.196 in that between time of like, we'll let you push one more time um in 00:12:51.229 --> 00:12:55.076 between the pushing one more time. And them telling me I had sat on the 00:12:55.109 --> 00:12:58.436 epidural button because they had put it in the wrong. And so I got like 00:12:58.469 --> 00:13:02.375 way numb, way fast, which wasn't supposed to happen. And that was also 00:13:02.408 --> 00:13:05.875 like a horrible, I remember my fingers feeling tingly. And again, I'm 00:13:05.908 --> 00:13:10.596 telling the nurses like something's wrong and they're like, no, it's fine. 00:13:10.629 --> 00:13:15.537 And then finally my partner sees that I'm on the fucking button. And so 00:13:15.570 --> 00:13:18.956 then they're like, OK, we're going to try pushing again. And I knew that 00:13:18.989 --> 00:13:23.316 third time I was pushing that last hour that it just wasn't, I knew it was 00:13:23.349 --> 00:13:25.787 going to happen because I couldn't feel anything. I couldn't feel my chest. 00:13:25.820 --> 00:13:30.557 I couldn't feel, I just was, I mean, I was devastated. I remember I was 00:13:30.590 --> 00:13:35.986 laying there and I was like, like naked and the, the sun was coming in and 00:13:36.019 --> 00:13:39.116 I had all these nurses and midwives and doctors and my partner and I was 00:13:39.149 --> 00:13:43.025 just hysterical and I think both my, the midwife I trusted and my partner 00:13:43.058 --> 00:13:46.606 , like, at the same time was like, like fucking, you give her a minute, 00:13:46.639 --> 00:13:51.145 right? Like she's completely losing it here. And so everybody left and I 00:13:51.178 --> 00:13:56.645 just calmed down and I, I told my partner, I said, I, it was really hard 00:13:56.678 --> 00:13:59.596 and I, I finally just said, fine, whatever. Like I don't care. So then I 00:13:59.629 --> 00:14:02.287 started prepping and I don't remember any of that. I remember, you know 00:14:02.320 --> 00:14:06.167 that obviously they put an IV in, I don't remember being wheeled to the 00:14:06.200 --> 00:14:09.177 room. That's something that I've been trying to conjure. And I just don't 00:14:09.210 --> 00:14:12.946 remember any of it. I remember being in the room and I remember just 00:14:12.979 --> 00:14:17.346 laying there crying. There's all these people around me, I can't move and 00:14:17.379 --> 00:14:20.307 the curtain was there. And I remember, I just kept saying, like, I want 00:14:20.340 --> 00:14:23.177 him to go straight to my chest. And my midwife said, absolutely, we can 00:14:23.210 --> 00:14:27.625 still do that. And I said, and I told everybody that would listen, I want 00:14:27.658 --> 00:14:31.246 him, I want to get my skin to skin. I want him right on my chest. I'd like 00:14:31.279 --> 00:14:34.765 , that's fine. Like fine. I have ac section because they said, sometimes 00:14:34.798 --> 00:14:38.145 we move babies and they move right back. And I said, well, just his 00:14:38.178 --> 00:14:41.625 temperament alone, I can see, like, maybe that's the type of baby he is 00:14:41.658 --> 00:14:44.755 and they said it's, of course he'll go just like a regular birth. And 00:14:44.788 --> 00:14:48.326 that's what I kept saying. That was a big deal to me. It was written 15 00:14:48.359 --> 00:14:52.236 times in my birth plan and, and I had come to terms with it pretty quickly. 00:14:52.269 --> 00:14:57.157 Um But I said like, but as long as he gets put on my chest and everyone 00:14:57.190 --> 00:15:02.265 agreed that was going to happen. And I, I remember it was dim because I 00:15:02.298 --> 00:15:06.106 told them I didn't want the lights on. And so they, they tried, my midwife 00:15:06.139 --> 00:15:10.625 tried very hard to make it how I wanted it. And I'll, I'll never forget 00:15:10.658 --> 00:15:18.236 like it's so hard for me. I remember my partner saying that that's it. 00:15:18.269 --> 00:15:23.956 Like that's our son. Can you hear our son? And I, I couldn't. And then all 00:15:23.989 --> 00:15:31.667 of a sudden so like, I, like, I'm hearing the sound behind me 00:15:31.700 --> 00:15:35.236 and I was like, where, where is he? But no one can hear me because I'm so 00:15:35.269 --> 00:15:38.145 drugged that I, I can't lift my head up. And I just remember saying like, 00:15:38.178 --> 00:15:43.616 where the fuck is my baby? And my partner is trying to stay with me. And I 00:15:43.649 --> 00:15:48.145 was like, why is he, why isn't he on my chest? And he, he said, well, he 00:15:48.178 --> 00:15:52.057 was £10. That's why he wouldn't come out whatever. And, and I was like, 00:15:52.090 --> 00:15:56.436 where, where's my baby? Like, I don't care how big he is. And, um, when 00:15:56.469 --> 00:16:00.047 they did finally put it, he was wrapped in his blanket and I couldn't, 00:16:00.080 --> 00:16:04.135 like, I couldn't even lift my head. I remember trying to tell anybody but 00:16:04.168 --> 00:16:07.787 I, I couldn't project my voice. I remember trying to say, like, somebody 00:16:07.820 --> 00:16:11.657 helped me, like I couldn't even see him. I mean, it was horrible. It was 00:16:11.690 --> 00:16:15.706 the worst feeling I've ever felt in my entire life was like there was this 00:16:15.739 --> 00:16:19.316 blanket between us and it was horrible. It was like the one moment I 00:16:19.349 --> 00:16:23.467 wanted and it just didn't happen. And I mean, it's ridiculous that it 00:16:23.500 --> 00:16:27.135 bothers me because we're so bonded, but it's still really, it made a big 00:16:27.168 --> 00:16:31.116 difference to me. And I just, I wanted like there was nothing more in my 00:16:31.149 --> 00:16:34.125 entire life I've ever wanted than to lift my head up and hold my own baby. 00:16:34.158 --> 00:16:38.476 And I couldn't do either one because I was so drugged and I was so 00:16:38.509 --> 00:16:42.956 unhappy. And I remember feeling really guilty for being so unhappy because 00:16:42.989 --> 00:16:46.557 it's supposed to be like the best moment of my life and it's fucking hard 00:16:46.590 --> 00:16:50.395 and it's painful and it's awful. And I felt like it was a huge disservice 00:16:50.428 --> 00:16:56.226 to me that I was told this was a magical, mystical, beautiful transcending 00:16:56.259 --> 00:17:00.717 experience. And I'm sure for some people it isn't great for them. But my 00:17:00.750 --> 00:17:05.035 experience has been that it's not and most people that I talk to, it's not 00:17:05.068 --> 00:17:09.776 when people say that because the baby is here and healthy, there's nothing 00:17:09.809 --> 00:17:14.785 to worry about. They're removing the mother from the equation, which makes 00:17:14.818 --> 00:17:18.785 me really angry because like it didn't happen to the baby. It happened to 00:17:18.818 --> 00:17:23.127 me and it happened to my body and like the birth experience is more my 00:17:23.160 --> 00:17:26.436 experience than it is. Of course, I'm happy that I have a baby. That's why 00:17:26.469 --> 00:17:30.075 I got pregnant and that's why I didn't have an abortion or given up for 00:17:30.108 --> 00:17:32.436 adoption. But that doesn't mean that something didn't happen to me and 00:17:32.469 --> 00:17:37.055 that I wasn't there. And basically, it's how when people ask women how 00:17:37.088 --> 00:17:41.785 they're doing, what they really want you to say is fine. Right? I'm doing 00:17:41.818 --> 00:17:46.416 fine and I feel like that's the same thing with like childbirth. If 00:17:46.449 --> 00:17:51.045 someone does ask you, they don't want to hear like I felt like my insides 00:17:51.078 --> 00:17:55.627 were being ripped inside out. They, they just want to hear like it was a 00:17:55.660 --> 00:18:00.486 beautiful magical experience and it was the best day of my life and it's 00:18:00.519 --> 00:18:05.276 that whole like mothers are selfish if they think about themselves. And 00:18:05.309 --> 00:18:10.489 it's like, I, I'm a person and I'm a mother, I'm not one or the other.