My partner wasn't sure if he wanted to have Children. It had turned out
that I had a bunch of like, gynecological problems. I'd gone to doctor
after doctor and they just kept saying like, you shouldn't be in pain, you
have a small cyst, like there's no reason to be in this much pain. And
they just kept basically telling me I was crazy, which is part of the
course, even female doctors were telling me, you know, like, oh, it's
nothing but I finally saw this really good doctor and he said something's
something's wrong, right? Like you had a surgery to remove this, this cyst.
I had one already and I, I had another one and he's like, it shouldn't be
in as much pain. So why don't we look, you know, do you consent to doing
like an exploratory surgery? And he went in and came back and said, like
you had like the worst case of endometrio I've ever seen and it was so
vindicating, right? Because for years I'd just been told, you know, I mean
, I started my period when I was 11 and so it was like, it seems like
you've had it your whole life. And so I was 26 at the time when he found
it. So they cleaned it all up and they said, you know, this is really
serious. So you need to think about having kids now or maybe not for a
long time. If ever I, I came home and I talked to my partner and we were
still unsure, but he was definitely leaning more towards the, maybe we can
try having a kid, which I was excited but then nervous about because it's
different when, like, you have to make a decision as opposed to naturally.
They said, you know, like standard surgery stuff, you're gonna have
surgery, you're gonna start your period right away. I didn't and I was
like, ok, I want to take a pregnancy test and for the first time he had
really cued into this like struggle and he was like, I'm so sorry, I know
it's hard for you to see a negative test. And I didn't say anything and he
said it was negative, right? And I just shook my head. And after that, I
did, you know, I, I'm a reader and a researcher and like a full time
student always. And so that's how I define myself as I'm a writer and then
I'm a mom. So I guess that's really it. I bought all these books and, you
know, I started watching the, the huge documentary, you know, the business
of being born and it changed the way I looked at birth. I didn't
understand any of the medicalization or the C sections were even bad. But
I also feel like it affected my expectations in a way that was really
negative too. I really felt, you know, like prepared and excited and uh it
, it changed. But, well, I had wanted to see the doctor that had done all
the great work for me um on the endometriosis. But after watching the
documentary, I noticed very quickly that his inclination was to surgery
and I was distrustful of him and immediately found midwives, you know, I,
I called my ob and they were like, we'll see you at six weeks and I was
really scared. I had been through a miscarriage very young. And so I was
like, I don't want to wait six weeks. And when I called the midwives, they
were like, oh, come in tomorrow and we'll, you know, get you on vitamins
and we'll start all this process. So I felt immediately more comfortable.
It was all women. It, I mean, it's, it's hard to remember now because I'm
in that like phase where I remember pregnancy being amazing and I know
that it was not at all. I mean, he was huge. He um cracked one of my ribs
and my eight month of pregnancy from just kicking it. I mean, yeah, it was
, it was uncomfortable. And for me, like, I remember it was a big decision
we had to make with my partner the last month of pregnancy. I was like, I
want to take maternity leave early. I knew I wasn't going back to my job.
We talked and talked about it. And finally I just said, like I've been in
school full time and working full time my whole life. Like this is the
last chance I get, I want to take the time off. And so we finally agreed,
ok, I'll take the last month off. And all I did was sit around and watch
like 16 and pregnant and eat burritos. And it was amazing, but also
horrible because when I took the time off, I was like, I'm gonna read all
these books and I'm gonna be so productive. And I think I watched every
episode of 16 and pregnant because I found it on Amazon. And I was like,
I'm never because watching that made me feel so prepared. I was like, ok,
like, I, I'm at least better than everybody in this show, which is
horrible, but it's totally true because I was terrified. But watching that
, I was like, this is I've got this down right? Like I have a painted
nursery little. Did I know none of that mattered? But, and then like right
before my due date, I remember I was just so stressed, intense about it.
And I have like post traumatic stress disorder and anxiety disorder. And
so my therapist had been telling me, you know, like be aware of your body
because it manifests bodily um because that might have an effect on your
labor. But I had read all of these books by Aa May and whoever else. And I
had thought, you know, like I went to yoga and I know how to do yoga
breathing. And I, I, we have a labor tub like this is, it's going to be
fine. And so my midwife noticed that I was really tense a few days before
my due date. And she said, you know, you're still three centimeters. Um,
you, you look good, but it's not time yet. She's, and she just told me she
said, go home, take a bath, drink a glass of wine like do and just calm
down. And so I kept thinking my water had broke and finally they were like
, you know, put a pad in and if it's soaked within, you know, 20 minutes,
then your water has broken and come in and I woke up, I think it had to
have been like 1130 and I woke up and I stood up and I had this huge
contraction and just like a bucket of water just came out, right. I mean,
and only one in 10 women even have their water break naturally. And so I,
I woke my partner up and I said, you know, my water broke and he's like,
no, it didn't because I've been doing this all week, right where I'm like
, I know. And I was like, no, it really, really, it really happened and he
said, ok. And so we went downstairs and we left. But by that point I think
I was, my contractions were like three minutes apart. I mean, it was
really, it was, seemed to be going really fast. We went to the hospital,
they didn't have a room for us. And so I remember I was out in the waiting
room and, you know, there's all these people with like balloons and
stuffed animals and it's one in the morning they're waiting to see their
happy nieces and nephews and I'm like holding on to the wall, like trying
not to scream like, just pouring fluid everywhere. It was horrible. And
finally, like, they got a room for me and like, I just, I knew something
was wrong. Right. It was horrible. It was more pain than I had ever
imagined. And that was one thing that really shocked me is I remember
thinking, like I read tons of books and none of them just said, like you,
it's gonna hurt worse than anything you ever felt in your life. And it's
like, why, why was this not in the book? Like, sure I have a labor tub and
, and sure I have, you know, like good breathing skills and a tennis ball
on my back. But none of it's, it's working. So we were tearing my clothes
off because I didn't want them on my body and then waiting for the labor
tub to fill. And once I finally got into the labor tub that helped for a
while, because at this point, I think my contractions were like a minute
and a half apart and it was really, really bad and it was really painful.
And I just kept thinking, like, nobody told me it was gonna be this bad.
And then I felt stupid because I'm like, well, of course, it was going to
be bad. But, and we had had this, you know, ridiculous. Now I look at it
and I just laugh like this ridiculous birth plan, right? Like we're going
to have essential oils and soft music playing and no lights on and no
hospital gowns and no hospital personnel and no medication and, and it's
so idealistic. So this was, I think it was like six hours, maybe, maybe 4
to 4 or five hours. Um and they were like, hey, we're gonna check you and
I thought for sure, you know, I was six or seven, I was four centimeters
and I just like, I'm doing all this stupid breathing stuff and
visualization and none of it's working and, and I finally just, I, I just
can't do it. And I, I said like, I need something like, I don't want an
epidural and I think because he was taken by surprise and because I had
told him so adamantly that I didn't want medication. My partner kind of, I
don't want to say argued with me but was like, are you sure you want this
? And I had taken this as disappointment and he's disappointed in me and
I'm weak for needing it. And, and I was just like, I don't, I don't care.
So they gave me, I think it was Demerol and they had to hold me down and
give me a shot because I didn't have an IV. And um it didn't do anything
like it just made me dizzy and made me sick. And I was like, well, why the
hell would you tell me this would help? Because it didn't help. And now I
feel like I failed and I'm not even relieved of any pain. Now, if my
midwife at that point had said the next six will go 1000 times faster. But
nobody told me that either. And so I was just, I felt defeated and tired.
And I remember thinking if I could just get like 20 minutes of sleep, I
would have done so much better. And so it was in the labor tub. And I
remember like clear day, even now I had this horrible contraction and all
I wanted to do was push. And I said like, all right, like I, I need to
push and they said, no, there's no way, there's no way. And I said, yes,
there is. And they're like, it's gonna, you don't want me to check you.
And I said, yes, I want you like you need to do it. So I got out of the
tub, I, you know, dried off or whatever. And they checked me and they were
like, oh my God, it's time to push. They said there's a lip of your cervix
that we can wait for or we can manually push it. And I said, I do and they
said it will hurt really bad. I said, I don't care. I'm in so much pain,
just do it, wait for the contraction and do it. And so they did it and I
started pushing and it felt really good. Like I felt really happy. I, I
was excited and it was still painful, but I was channeling that pain into
pushing. And I, like, I, I hit like a second stride and or maybe a first
stride because I never really felt like I had one and I was pushing and
pushing. And my midwife kept saying like, oh, you're doing so good, like
good job. She was being really encouraging and then she left and she said
, just take a, take a break and she left
and she came back with a woman. I didn't know who looked like a doctor.
And the midwife says to the doctor right in front of me, she's been
pushing for 2.5 hours and the baby hasn't moved. And I was like, what were
you going to tell me. And so the doctor said, well, like, not at all. And
he said, no, the baby hasn't descended the baby, she's 10 centimeters. We
moved the cervical lip. I mean, the baby was fine. Right. But hasn't
descended at all. And so she, I remember the doctor goes in to like, feel
the baby and it was horrible. Like, the pain was awful. And she, she said
he's, he's stuck, he's twisted, he's in the wrong position. Um He's never
going to come out this way. So I need to twist him, twist him back. And I
said, OK, fine, twist him back and she tried to do it and I couldn't, I
just couldn't handle it. And I think part of it's because she was a
complete stranger. And now I see like it's my PTSD and it's all these
things. I mean, she had her whole hand up my vagina, like, of course, it
would cause me anxiety. And so she said, like, you need to get an epidural
, like she can't do this, like it's time for an epidural. Like she just,
and at that point, II, I think I fought for a little bit and I finally
just, I just gave up. So the anesthesiologist comes in and, you know, you
have to sit up straight and hold your back really still, which is
incredibly hard when you have contractions coming every, you know, 45 30
seconds. And he's like, OK, it's in wait 20 minutes and, you know, it'll
start to feel much better and 20 minutes pass. And I'm like, I still feel
everything. And the thing that was bothering me the most is that the
nurses didn't believe me. And I was like, no, I'm telling you, I feel
everything. And so the anesthesiologist came back and said, oh my God,
you're right. He was really nice. Um, and he did it a second time and the
second time it worked. And so I was pushing and it was the same thing. It
was so much harder because I couldn't feel anything. But I had the midwife
I liked and, you know, my partner and they were holding my legs back and
it was so weird because I was pushing something I couldn't feel. But they
kept saying like, you're doing good, like keep pushing, you're doing great.
And they're like, ok, just take a break, your contractions are slowing
down, which I'm sure was because of the epidural. And I was starting to
get frustrated, but I was not in pain. I remember when, when it stopped,
the pain stopped and they said, like, you just had a contraction, I
started crying and I remember it was because I was so relieved, but also
because I was so sad and I didn't expect to be sad when the pain was gone.
But I was, I felt like defeated. Um, they came back and they said, ok,
you really, you really have to push. You really have to put into this. And
I did and it seemed like things were going well. And then the doctor came
back in and they said the baby still has not moved at all. And it had been
another two hours of pushing. And so I said, no, I said I'm not getting ac
section and the doctor said, I'll let you push another hour, but that's it.
This is all you get. And if the baby hasn't moved, we need to, we need to
move on. And I think a big moment for me that was really devastating was
in that between time of like, we'll let you push one more time um in
between the pushing one more time. And them telling me I had sat on the
epidural button because they had put it in the wrong. And so I got like
way numb, way fast, which wasn't supposed to happen. And that was also
like a horrible, I remember my fingers feeling tingly. And again, I'm
telling the nurses like something's wrong and they're like, no, it's fine.
And then finally my partner sees that I'm on the fucking button. And so
then they're like, OK, we're going to try pushing again. And I knew that
third time I was pushing that last hour that it just wasn't, I knew it was
going to happen because I couldn't feel anything. I couldn't feel my chest.
I couldn't feel, I just was, I mean, I was devastated. I remember I was
laying there and I was like, like naked and the, the sun was coming in and
I had all these nurses and midwives and doctors and my partner and I was
just hysterical and I think both my, the midwife I trusted and my partner
, like, at the same time was like, like fucking, you give her a minute,
right? Like she's completely losing it here. And so everybody left and I
just calmed down and I, I told my partner, I said, I, it was really hard
and I, I finally just said, fine, whatever. Like I don't care. So then I
started prepping and I don't remember any of that. I remember, you know
that obviously they put an IV in, I don't remember being wheeled to the
room. That's something that I've been trying to conjure. And I just don't
remember any of it. I remember being in the room and I remember just
laying there crying. There's all these people around me, I can't move and
the curtain was there. And I remember, I just kept saying, like, I want
him to go straight to my chest. And my midwife said, absolutely, we can
still do that. And I said, and I told everybody that would listen, I want
him, I want to get my skin to skin. I want him right on my chest. I'd like
, that's fine. Like fine. I have ac section because they said, sometimes
we move babies and they move right back. And I said, well, just his
temperament alone, I can see, like, maybe that's the type of baby he is
and they said it's, of course he'll go just like a regular birth. And
that's what I kept saying. That was a big deal to me. It was written 15
times in my birth plan and, and I had come to terms with it pretty quickly.
Um But I said like, but as long as he gets put on my chest and everyone
agreed that was going to happen. And I, I remember it was dim because I
told them I didn't want the lights on. And so they, they tried, my midwife
tried very hard to make it how I wanted it. And I'll, I'll never forget
like it's so hard for me. I remember my partner saying that that's it.
Like that's our son. Can you hear our son? And I, I couldn't. And then all
of a sudden so like, I, like, I'm hearing the sound behind me
and I was like, where, where is he? But no one can hear me because I'm so
drugged that I, I can't lift my head up. And I just remember saying like,
where the fuck is my baby? And my partner is trying to stay with me. And I
was like, why is he, why isn't he on my chest? And he, he said, well, he
was £10. That's why he wouldn't come out whatever. And, and I was like,
where, where's my baby? Like, I don't care how big he is. And, um, when
they did finally put it, he was wrapped in his blanket and I couldn't,
like, I couldn't even lift my head. I remember trying to tell anybody but
I, I couldn't project my voice. I remember trying to say, like, somebody
helped me, like I couldn't even see him. I mean, it was horrible. It was
the worst feeling I've ever felt in my entire life was like there was this
blanket between us and it was horrible. It was like the one moment I
wanted and it just didn't happen. And I mean, it's ridiculous that it
bothers me because we're so bonded, but it's still really, it made a big
difference to me. And I just, I wanted like there was nothing more in my
entire life I've ever wanted than to lift my head up and hold my own baby.
And I couldn't do either one because I was so drugged and I was so
unhappy. And I remember feeling really guilty for being so unhappy because
it's supposed to be like the best moment of my life and it's fucking hard
and it's painful and it's awful. And I felt like it was a huge disservice
to me that I was told this was a magical, mystical, beautiful transcending
experience. And I'm sure for some people it isn't great for them. But my
experience has been that it's not and most people that I talk to, it's not
when people say that because the baby is here and healthy, there's nothing
to worry about. They're removing the mother from the equation, which makes
me really angry because like it didn't happen to the baby. It happened to
me and it happened to my body and like the birth experience is more my
experience than it is. Of course, I'm happy that I have a baby. That's why
I got pregnant and that's why I didn't have an abortion or given up for
adoption. But that doesn't mean that something didn't happen to me and
that I wasn't there. And basically, it's how when people ask women how
they're doing, what they really want you to say is fine. Right? I'm doing
fine and I feel like that's the same thing with like childbirth. If
someone does ask you, they don't want to hear like I felt like my insides
were being ripped inside out. They, they just want to hear like it was a
beautiful magical experience and it was the best day of my life and it's
that whole like mothers are selfish if they think about themselves. And
it's like, I, I'm a person and I'm a mother, I'm not one or the other.