That it was really chaotic and crazy. And so it was both expected and
unexpected, really, like it was a preplanned baby is how we call it. It's
a kind of a long story actually because my partner wasn't sure if he
wanted to have Children. It had turned out that I had a bunch of like
gynecological problems. I'd gone to doctor after doctor and they just kept
saying like, you shouldn't be in pain. You have a small cyst, like there's
no reason to be in this much pain. And they just kept basically telling me
I was crazy, which is part of the course, even female doctors were telling
me, you know, like, oh, it's nothing. But I finally saw this really good
doctor and he said something's something's wrong, right? Like you had a
surgery to remove this, this cyst. I had one already and I had another one
and he's like, it shouldn't be in as much pain. So why don't we look, you
know, do you consent to doing like an exploratory surgery? And he went in
and came back and said, like you had like the worst case of endometrio
I've ever seen and it was so vindicating. Right. Because for years I'd
just been told, you know, I mean, I started my period when I was 11 and so
it was like, it seems like you've had it your whole life. And so I was 26
at the time when he found it. So they cleaned it all up and they said, you
know, this is really serious. So you need to think about having kids now
or maybe not for a long time. If ever I, I came home and I talked to my
partner and we were still unsure, but he was definitely leaning more
towards the, maybe we can try having a kid, which I was excited but then
nervous about because it's different when like, you have to make a
decision as opposed to naturally. They said, you know, like standard
surgery stuff, you're gonna have surgery, you're gonna start your period
right away. I didn't and I was like, ok, I want to take a pregnancy test
and for the first time he had really cued into this like struggle and he
was like, I'm so sorry. I know it's hard for you to see a negative test
and I didn't say anything and he said it was negative, right? And I just
shook my head. And after that, I did, you know, I, I'm a reader and a
researcher and like a full time student always. And so that's how I define
myself as I'm a writer and then I'm a mom. So I guess that's really it, I
bought all these books and, you know, I started watching the, the huge
documentary, you know, the business of being born and it changed the way I
looked at birth. I didn't understand any of the medicalization or the c
sections were even bad. But I also feel like it affected my expectations
in a way that was really negative too. I really felt, you know, like
prepared and excited and uh it, it changed. But, well, I had wanted to see
the doctor that had done all the great work for me um on the endometriosis.
But after watching the documentary, I noticed very quickly that his
inclination was to surgery and I was distrustful of him and immediately
found midwives, you know, I, I called my ob and they were like, we'll see
you at six weeks and I was really scared. I had been through a miscarriage
very young. And so I was like, I don't want to wait six weeks and when I
called the midwives, they were like, oh, come in tomorrow and we'll, you
know, get you on vitamins and we'll start all this process. So I felt
immediately more comfortable. It was all women. I mean, it's, it's hard to
remember now because I'm in that like phase where I remember pregnancy
being amazing and I know that it was not at all. I mean, he was huge. He
um, cracked one of my ribs and my eight month of pregnancy from just
kicking it. I mean, yeah, it was, it was uncomfortable. And for me, like I
remember it was a big decision we had to make with my partner the last
month of pregnancy. I was like, I want to take maternity leave early. I
knew I wasn't going back to my job. We talked and talked about it and
finally I just said, like, I've been in school full time and working full
time my whole life. Like, this is the last chance I get, I want to take
the time off. And so we finally agreed, ok, I'll take the last month off.
And all I did was sit around and watch like 16 and pregnant and eat
burritos. And it was amazing, but also horrible because when I took the
time off, I was like, I'm going to read all these books and I'm gonna be
so productive. And I think I watched every episode of 16 and pregnant
because I found it on Amazon. And it was like, I'm never because watching
that made me feel so prepared. I was like, ok, like, I, I'm at least
better than everybody in this show, which is horrible, but it's totally
true because I was terrified. But watching that, I was like, this is I've
got this down right? Like I have a painted nursery little did I know none
of that mattered. But, and then, like, right before my due date, I
remember I was just so stressed, intense about it and I have like post
traumatic stress disorder and anxiety disorder. And so my therapist had
been telling me, you know, like, be aware of your body because it
manifests bodily um because that might have an effect on your labor. But I
had read all of these books by AA May and whoever else. And I had thought
, you know, like I went to yoga and I know how to do yoga breathing. And I
, I, we have a labor tub like this is, it's going to be fine. And so my
midwife noticed that I was really tense a few days before my due date. And
she said, you know, you're still three centimeters. Um, you, you look good
, but it's not time yet. She's, and she just told me she'd go home, take a
bath, drink a glass of wine, like do and just calm down. And so I kept
thinking my water had broke and finally they were like, you know, put a
pad in and if it's soaked within, you know, 20 minutes, then your water
has broken and come in and I woke up, I think it had to have been like
1130 and I woke up and I stood up and I had this huge contraction and just
like a bucket of water just came out. Right. I mean, and only one in 10
women even have their water break naturally. And so I, I woke my partner
up and I said, you know, my water broke and he's like, no, it didn't
because I've been doing this all week, right where I'm like, I know. And I
was like, no, it really, really, it really happened. And he said, ok, and
so we went downstairs and we left, but by that point I think I was, my
contractions were like three minutes apart. I mean, it was really, it was
, seemed to be going really fast. We went to the hospital, they didn't
have a room for us. And so I remember I was out in the waiting room and
you know, there's all these people with like balloons and stuffed animals
and it's one in the morning, they're waiting to see their happy nieces and
nephews and I'm like holding on to the wall, like trying not to scream
like just pouring fluid everywhere. It was horrible. And finally, like
they got a room for me and like, I just, I knew something was wrong, right
? It was horrible. It was more pain than I had ever imagined. And that was
one thing that really shocked me is I remember thinking like I read tons
of books and none of them just said like you, it's gonna hurt worse than
anything you ever felt in your life. And it's like, why, why was this not
in the book? Like, sure I have a labor tub and, and sure I have, you know
, like good breathing skills and a tennis ball on my back. But none of
it's, it's working. So we were tearing my clothes off because I didn't
want them on my body and then waiting for the labor tub to fill. And once
I finally got into the labor tub that helped for a while because at this
point, I think my contractions were like a minute and a half apart and it
was really, really bad and it was really painful. And I just kept thinking
, like, nobody told me it was gonna be this bad. And then I felt stupid
because I'm like, well, of course, it was going to be bad. But, and we had
had this, you know, ridiculous. Now I look at it and I just laugh like
this ridiculous birth plan, right? Like we're going to have essential oils
and soft music playing and no lights on and no hospital gowns and no
hospital personnel and no medication and, and it's so idealistic. So this
was, I think it was like six hours, maybe, maybe 44 or five hours. Um And
they were like, hey, we're gonna check you and I thought for sure, you
know, I was six or seven, I was four centimeters and I just like, I'm
doing all this stupid breathing stuff and visualization and none of it's
working and, and I finally just, I, I just can't do it and I, I said, like
I need something like I don't want an epidural and I think because he was
taken by surprise and because I had told him so adamantly that I didn't
want medication, my partner kind of, I don't want to say argued with me
but was like, are you sure you want this? And I had taken this, this
disappointment and like he's disappointed in me and I'm weak for needing
it. And, and I was just like, I don't, I don't care. So they gave me, I
think it was Demerol and they had to hold me down and give me a shot
because I didn't have an IV. And um it didn't do anything like it just
made me dizzy and made me sick. And I was like, well, why the hell would
you tell me this would help because it didn't help? And now I feel like I
failed and I'm not even relieved of any pain. Now, if my midwife at that
point had said the next six will go 1000 times faster. But nobody told me
that either. And so I was just, I felt defeated and tired and I remember
thinking if I could just get like 20 minutes of sleep, I would have done
so much better. And so it was in the labor tub. And I remember like clear
day, even now I had this horrible contraction and all I wanted to do was
push and I said, like, all right, like I, I need to push and they said no
, there's no way. There's no way. And I said, yes, there is. And they're
like, it's gonna, you don't want me to check you. And I said, yes, I want
you like, you need to do it. So I got out of the tub, I, you know, dried
off or whatever and they checked me and they were like, oh my God, it's
time to push. They said there's a lip of your cervix that we can wait for
or we can manually push it. And I said, I, and they said that it will hurt
really bad. I said, I don't care. I'm in so much pain, just do it, wait
for the contraction and do it. And so they did it and I started pushing
and it felt really good. Like I felt really happy. I, I was excited and it
was still painful, but I was channeling that pain into pushing. And I,
like, I, I hit like a second stride and, or maybe a first stride because I
never really felt like I had one and I was pushing and pushing and my
midwife kept saying like, oh, you're doing so good, like good job. She was
being really encouraging and then she left and she said, just take a, take
a break and she left
and she came back with a woman. I didn't know who looked like a doctor and
the midwife says to the doctor right in front of me, she's been pushing
for 2.5 hours and the baby hasn't moved. And I was like, what were you
going to tell me? And so the doctor said, well, like, not at all. And he
said, no, the baby hasn't descended the baby, she's 10 centimeters. We
moved the cervical lip. I mean, the baby was fine. Right. But hasn't
descended at all. And so she, I remember the doctor goes in to like, feel
the baby and it was horrible, like the pain was awful. And she, she said
he's, he's stuck, he's twisted, he's in the wrong position. Um, he's never
going to come out this way. So I need to twist him, twist him back and I
said, OK, fine, twist him back and she tried to do it and I couldn't, I
just couldn't handle it. And I think part of it's because she was a
complete stranger. And now I see like it's my PTSD and it's all these
things. I mean, she had her whole hand up my vagina, like, of course, it
would cause me anxiety. And so she said, like, you need to get an epidural
, like she can't do this, like it's time for an epidural. Like she just,
and at that point, II, I think I fought for a little bit and I finally
just, I just gave up. So the anesthesiologist comes in and, you know, you
have to sit up straight and hold your back really still, which is
incredibly hard when you have contractions coming every, you know, 45 30
seconds. And he's like, ok, it's in wait 20 minutes and, you know, it'll
start to feel much better and 20 minutes pass. And I'm like, I still feel
everything and the thing that was bothering me the most is that the nurses
didn't believe me. And I was like, no, I'm telling you, I feel everything.
And so the anesthesiologist came back and said, oh my God, you're right.
He was really nice. Um, and he did it a second time and the second time it
worked. And so I was pushing and it was the same thing. It was so much
harder because I couldn't feel anything. But I had the midwife I liked and
, you know, my partner and they were holding my legs back and it was so
weird because I was pushing something I couldn't feel. But they kept
saying like, you're doing good, like keep pushing, you're doing great. And
they're like, ok, just take a break. Your contractions are slowing down,
which I'm sure was because of the epidural. And I was starting to get
frustrated, but I was not in pain. I remember when, when it stopped, the
pain stopped and they said, like, you just had a contraction. I started
crying and I remember it was because I was so relieved. But also because I
was so sad and I didn't expect to be sad when the pain was gone, but I was
, I felt like defeated. Um, they came back and they said, ok, you really,
you really have to push, you really have to put into this. And I did and
it seemed like things were going well. And then the doctor came back in
and they said the baby still has not moved at all. And it had been another
two hours of pushing. And so I said, no, I said, I'm not getting ac
section and the doctor said, I'll let you push another hour, but that's it.
This is all you get. And if the baby hasn't moved, we need to, we need to
move on. And I think a big moment for me that was really devastating was
in that between time of like, we'll let you push one more time um in
between the pushing one more time. And them telling me I had sat on the
epidural button because they had put it in the wrong. And so I got like
way numb, way fast, which wasn't supposed to happen. And that was also
like a horrible, I remember my fingers feeling tingly. And again, I'm
telling the nurses like something's wrong and they're like, no, it's fine.
And then finally my partner sees that I'm on the fucking button. And so
then they're like, ok, we're going to try pushing again. And I knew that
third time I was pushing that last hour that it just wasn't, I knew it was
going to happen because I couldn't feel anything. I couldn't feel my chest.
I couldn't feel, I just was, I mean, I was devastated. I remember I was
laying there and I was like, like naked and the, the sun was coming in and
I had all these nurses and midwives and doctors and my partner and I was
just hysterical and I think both my, the midwife I trusted and my partner
, like at the same time was like, like fucking, you give her a minute,
right? Like she's completely losing it here. And so everybody left and I
just calmed down and I, I told my partner, I said, I, it was really hard
and I, I finally said, fine, whatever, like I don't care. So then I
started prepping and I don't remember any of that. I remember, you know,
that obviously they put an IV in. I don't remember being wheeled to the
room. That's something that I've been trying to conjure. And I just don't
remember any of it. I remember being in the room and I remember just
laying there crying. There's all these people around me. I can't move and
the curtain was there. And I remember I just kept saying, like, I want him
to go straight to my chest. And my midwife said, absolutely, we can still
do that. And I said, and I told everybody that would listen, I want him, I
want to get my skin to skin. I want him right on my chest. I'd like,
that's fine, like fine. I have ac section because they said sometimes we
move babies and they move right back. And I said, well, just his
temperament alone. I can see like maybe that's the type of baby he is and
they said it's, of course he'll go just like a regular birth. And that's
what I kept saying. That was a big deal to me. It was written 15 times in
my birth plan and, and I had come to terms with it pretty quickly. Um, but
I said like, but as long as he gets put on my chest and everyone agreed
that was going to happen. And I, I remember it was dim because I told them
I didn't want the lights on. And so they, they, my midwife tried very hard
to make it how I wanted it to be in the room. They asked if I wanted
specific music played and I said, no, which I regret because then they
started playing like, you know, pop whatever. And I was just like, this is
horrible and I'll, I'll never forget like it's so hard for me. I remember
my partner saying that that's it. Like that's our son. Can you hear our
son? And I, I couldn't. And then all of a sudden so like, I, like, I'm
hearing the sound behind me.
And I was like, where, where is he? But no one can hear me because I'm so
drugged that I, I can't lift my head up. And I just remember saying like,
where the fuck is my baby? And my partner is trying to stay with me. And I
was like, why is he, why isn't he on my chest? And he, he said, well, he
was £10 that's why he wouldn't come out whatever. And, and I was like,
where, where's my baby? Like, I don't care how big he is. And um, when
they did finally put it, he was wrapped in this blanket and I couldn't,
like, I couldn't even lift my head. I remember trying to tell anybody but
I, I couldn't project my voice. I remember trying to say like somebody
helped me, like I couldn't even see him. I mean, it was horrible. It was
the worst feeling I've ever felt in my entire life was like there was this
blanket between us and it was horrible. It was like the one moment I
wanted and it just didn't happen. And I mean, it's ridiculous that it
bothers me because we're so bonded, but it's still really, it made a big
difference to me. And I just, I wanted, like there was nothing more in my
entire life I've ever wanted than to lift my head up and hold my own baby.
And I couldn't do either one because I was so drugged and I don't
remember what happened after that. I remember them wheeling me to like a
room kind of. And I started to get my feeling together and I like, ok,
we're going to try to breastfeed right away. And I remember I couldn't
hold him. My arms were too weak and I just, I was terrified. I was going
to drop him. I was numb and in shock and I was, I was so unhappy and I
remember feeling really guilty for being so unhappy because it's supposed
to be like the best moment of my life and I couldn't get him to latch on.
My nipples weren't responding. And now I know it's because I had ac
section. But nobody bothered to tell me that nobody bothered to say this
is happening because your whole body is numb and your tissue is numb. They
were just like, oh, we'll get you a nipple shield. And I remember they
tried to come in and give him a bath. I think like a day after he was born
and I told him no. And they were like, no. And I said no, like he's my
baby and you're not giving him a bath like you can leave. And just because
I didn't want to ever be away from my son. And I think a part of that was
, I just felt like that space of like two minutes being away from him
right after he was born. Had a profound effect. Like I still have like
these horrible, like dreams about like him being separated from me because
like the one thing I wanted I didn't get because somebody was sloppy or
lazy or forgot or somebody felt like they had a right to do whatever they
wanted. Like who the fuck cares how big his head was or how heavy he was.
Like, he should have been with me in that moment And he wasn't
one thing that was really validating was they said, and you could even see
the little dent in his head. Like when they went in there, he was in the
exact position, they had moved him out and they said some babies just move
right back and I have no doubts that that's especially knowing him. Now, I
have no doubt that they moved him and he moved right back where he was
comfortable and that's how he still sleeps in his most comfortable. And so
his head is like twisted to the side because, you know, the fetal position
, your legs are tucked in and your head is tucked down. Well, his head is
tucked back like at a almost like a 90 degree angle into the side and his
legs are sprawled like like kind of curled together and up, but also back.
So he's like a, it's like a reverse fetal position. And from the day he
was born when he sleeps on his own, that's how he sleeps working with this
through my own poetry. And my own work was really interesting. That was in
some ways also vindicating but also very frustrating. It's hard to write
about something traumatic and like a linear narrative because it wasn't
linear even now telling the story. I'm like, oh wait, I forgot this and I
go back and forth. And so I went to get the documents from the hospital.
So I got the documents and the incompleteness of them was shocking at one
point. I mean, on one hand, but there were things that like the hospital
or the people present didn't tell me which like the cord was wrapped
around his neck. And if somebody had told me that even after I would have
felt a whole lot better because what would have happened if he had
descended, why didn't anybody tell me? And that has to be a failure of the
system? I mean, I they're being distance because that's what we had
requested. But like, why did nobody tell me they were monitoring the heart
more than normal? Because like all of these things would have helped. And
I remember hearing all the encouraging things and I understand why. But I
also think like, why didn't anybody say like it's even just saying like
progress is really slow because here I was thinking I was going to see my
baby and then a strange doctor gets brought in and said the baby hasn't
moved an inch nothing nowhere like you've done three hours of hard, the
hardest work you've ever done with your body and the baby hasn't moved.
And I found that to be very frustrating that no one had told me any of
these things that were going on. Then I realized I didn't know the, the
cord is wrapped around his neck until the C section. But somebody could
have told me that after it would have made me feel a whole lot better
about it because I was really happy. But I was also really depressed and
really sad that I had missed this because I don't think I'm gonna have
more Children. I don't, I can't even imagine having more Children. And so
this was my one birth and everything that could go wrong pretty much went
wrong and it comes back to this expectation where I was so sure that it
wasn't going to go wrong. Like I watched the documentary and I read the
books and like it's going to be fine, right? Like, and they all of the
literature says, like be prepared that anything could happen. And of
course, like, yeah, of course anything can happen, but not to me, right?
Like it was, that's always where it was like not to me. And you know, my
mom had three Children and my grandmother had three Children and you know
, I have big hips, it's, it's fine, right? Like it's the hospitals and the
doctors that make these things happen, not our bodies. And I was so wrong.
And I mean, part of the reason I was in so much pain was that his
position because he was pressed up against my back. So I was having front
labor and back labor. But nobody told me that then either. And I felt like
if somebody had said like the way he's twisted his wire in so much pain,
like maybe I would have felt more confident. But that's part of my problem
too is I lost my confidence almost immediately because it, it just hurt so
much more than I ever expected it to. So my partner told me a lot that
really helped me was like, if you, like, if we didn't have this medical
advancement, you and the baby would be dead. And that's something that
weirdly as it may be sustains me a lot to think that it could have been a
whole lot worse. But I was talking to a friend about like the mommy wars,
right? Like the formula versus, and breast milk. And I said that's not
where it starts. It starts in when, before you've even had a baby and it
starts in the delivery room. And like, I still see friends or people in
like mom groups that post like I did unnatural medicated labor, like,
don't fuck with me or whatever. And it's like all in the name of female
empowerment, but it's like, does that mean I'm a weak person does. That
mean I'm a weak mother because my baby was stuck and twisted and I
couldn't like, no, it doesn't mean that it's fucking hard and it's painful
and it's awful and I felt like it was a huge disservice to me that I was
told this was a magical, mystical, beautiful, transcending experience. And
I'm sure for some people it isn't great for them. But my experience has
been that it's not and most people that I talk to, it's not when people
say that because the baby is here and healthy, there's nothing to worry
about. They're removing the mother from the equation which makes me really
angry because like it didn't happen to the baby. It happened to me and it
happened to my body and like there's a whole patch of skin that I'll never
feel again in my life. And like, there's, I remember having sex the first
time after and I remember having like labor flashbacks, like nobody told
me that was going to happen, but I pushed for six hours. Of course, it was
going to happen. And I couldn't have sex that way for like several months.
Even now. Sometimes if I'm feeling particularly vulnerable, I can't
because it just reminds me of this horrible traumatic event. And so when
people say, well, you have a healthy baby, what does it matter? It
happened to my body and to me and the birth experience is more my
experience than it is his. Of course, I'm happy that I have a baby. That's
why I got pregnant and that's why I didn't have an abortion or give him up
for adoption. But that doesn't mean that something didn't happen to me and
that I wasn't there. And basically it's how, when people ask women how
they're doing, what they really want you to say is fine. Right. I'm doing
fine and I feel like that's the same thing with like childbirth. If
someone does ask you, they don't want to hear like I felt like my insides
were being ripped inside out. They, they just want to hear like it was a
beautiful magical experience and it was the best day of my life and people
want this idealized and fine. And it's just, I guess what amazes me the
most about that is people with Children say that and, and I was like, well
, you were there like, did you not feel like it happened to you? But it's
just a change in perspective, I guess it's that whole, like mothers are
selfish if they think about themselves. And it's like I'm a person and I'm
a mother, I'm not one or the other.