WEBVTT 00:00:00.430 --> 00:00:04.526 That it was really chaotic and crazy. And so it was both expected and 00:00:04.559 --> 00:00:08.527 unexpected, really, like it was a preplanned baby is how we call it. It's 00:00:08.560 --> 00:00:12.335 a kind of a long story actually because my partner wasn't sure if he 00:00:12.368 --> 00:00:15.816 wanted to have Children. It had turned out that I had a bunch of like 00:00:15.849 --> 00:00:19.546 gynecological problems. I'd gone to doctor after doctor and they just kept 00:00:19.579 --> 00:00:22.986 saying like, you shouldn't be in pain. You have a small cyst, like there's 00:00:23.019 --> 00:00:26.285 no reason to be in this much pain. And they just kept basically telling me 00:00:26.318 --> 00:00:29.925 I was crazy, which is part of the course, even female doctors were telling 00:00:29.958 --> 00:00:32.707 me, you know, like, oh, it's nothing. But I finally saw this really good 00:00:32.740 --> 00:00:37.106 doctor and he said something's something's wrong, right? Like you had a 00:00:37.139 --> 00:00:41.176 surgery to remove this, this cyst. I had one already and I had another one 00:00:41.209 --> 00:00:44.765 and he's like, it shouldn't be in as much pain. So why don't we look, you 00:00:44.798 --> 00:00:47.506 know, do you consent to doing like an exploratory surgery? And he went in 00:00:47.539 --> 00:00:51.815 and came back and said, like you had like the worst case of endometrio 00:00:51.848 --> 00:00:55.375 I've ever seen and it was so vindicating. Right. Because for years I'd 00:00:55.408 --> 00:00:59.015 just been told, you know, I mean, I started my period when I was 11 and so 00:00:59.048 --> 00:01:02.417 it was like, it seems like you've had it your whole life. And so I was 26 00:01:02.450 --> 00:01:05.826 at the time when he found it. So they cleaned it all up and they said, you 00:01:05.859 --> 00:01:10.837 know, this is really serious. So you need to think about having kids now 00:01:10.870 --> 00:01:15.376 or maybe not for a long time. If ever I, I came home and I talked to my 00:01:15.409 --> 00:01:18.546 partner and we were still unsure, but he was definitely leaning more 00:01:18.579 --> 00:01:22.135 towards the, maybe we can try having a kid, which I was excited but then 00:01:22.168 --> 00:01:24.995 nervous about because it's different when like, you have to make a 00:01:25.028 --> 00:01:28.296 decision as opposed to naturally. They said, you know, like standard 00:01:28.329 --> 00:01:30.757 surgery stuff, you're gonna have surgery, you're gonna start your period 00:01:30.790 --> 00:01:35.217 right away. I didn't and I was like, ok, I want to take a pregnancy test 00:01:35.250 --> 00:01:39.977 and for the first time he had really cued into this like struggle and he 00:01:40.010 --> 00:01:44.296 was like, I'm so sorry. I know it's hard for you to see a negative test 00:01:44.329 --> 00:01:47.447 and I didn't say anything and he said it was negative, right? And I just 00:01:47.480 --> 00:01:53.626 shook my head. And after that, I did, you know, I, I'm a reader and a 00:01:53.659 --> 00:01:58.117 researcher and like a full time student always. And so that's how I define 00:01:58.150 --> 00:02:01.486 myself as I'm a writer and then I'm a mom. So I guess that's really it, I 00:02:01.519 --> 00:02:05.967 bought all these books and, you know, I started watching the, the huge 00:02:06.000 --> 00:02:09.936 documentary, you know, the business of being born and it changed the way I 00:02:09.969 --> 00:02:13.707 looked at birth. I didn't understand any of the medicalization or the c 00:02:13.740 --> 00:02:17.585 sections were even bad. But I also feel like it affected my expectations 00:02:17.618 --> 00:02:21.156 in a way that was really negative too. I really felt, you know, like 00:02:21.189 --> 00:02:28.406 prepared and excited and uh it, it changed. But, well, I had wanted to see 00:02:28.439 --> 00:02:32.505 the doctor that had done all the great work for me um on the endometriosis. 00:02:32.538 --> 00:02:35.805 But after watching the documentary, I noticed very quickly that his 00:02:35.838 --> 00:02:41.166 inclination was to surgery and I was distrustful of him and immediately 00:02:41.199 --> 00:02:44.957 found midwives, you know, I, I called my ob and they were like, we'll see 00:02:44.990 --> 00:02:47.805 you at six weeks and I was really scared. I had been through a miscarriage 00:02:47.838 --> 00:02:50.755 very young. And so I was like, I don't want to wait six weeks and when I 00:02:50.788 --> 00:02:53.835 called the midwives, they were like, oh, come in tomorrow and we'll, you 00:02:53.868 --> 00:02:57.517 know, get you on vitamins and we'll start all this process. So I felt 00:02:57.550 --> 00:03:02.245 immediately more comfortable. It was all women. I mean, it's, it's hard to 00:03:02.278 --> 00:03:07.005 remember now because I'm in that like phase where I remember pregnancy 00:03:07.038 --> 00:03:13.055 being amazing and I know that it was not at all. I mean, he was huge. He 00:03:13.088 --> 00:03:16.547 um, cracked one of my ribs and my eight month of pregnancy from just 00:03:16.580 --> 00:03:22.827 kicking it. I mean, yeah, it was, it was uncomfortable. And for me, like I 00:03:22.860 --> 00:03:26.025 remember it was a big decision we had to make with my partner the last 00:03:26.058 --> 00:03:29.725 month of pregnancy. I was like, I want to take maternity leave early. I 00:03:29.758 --> 00:03:34.055 knew I wasn't going back to my job. We talked and talked about it and 00:03:34.088 --> 00:03:36.436 finally I just said, like, I've been in school full time and working full 00:03:36.469 --> 00:03:39.745 time my whole life. Like, this is the last chance I get, I want to take 00:03:39.778 --> 00:03:43.737 the time off. And so we finally agreed, ok, I'll take the last month off. 00:03:43.770 --> 00:03:48.366 And all I did was sit around and watch like 16 and pregnant and eat 00:03:48.399 --> 00:03:53.577 burritos. And it was amazing, but also horrible because when I took the 00:03:53.610 --> 00:03:56.286 time off, I was like, I'm going to read all these books and I'm gonna be 00:03:56.319 --> 00:04:00.356 so productive. And I think I watched every episode of 16 and pregnant 00:04:00.389 --> 00:04:03.467 because I found it on Amazon. And it was like, I'm never because watching 00:04:03.500 --> 00:04:08.207 that made me feel so prepared. I was like, ok, like, I, I'm at least 00:04:08.240 --> 00:04:11.536 better than everybody in this show, which is horrible, but it's totally 00:04:11.569 --> 00:04:15.487 true because I was terrified. But watching that, I was like, this is I've 00:04:15.520 --> 00:04:20.776 got this down right? Like I have a painted nursery little did I know none 00:04:20.809 --> 00:04:24.967 of that mattered. But, and then, like, right before my due date, I 00:04:25.000 --> 00:04:30.015 remember I was just so stressed, intense about it and I have like post 00:04:30.048 --> 00:04:33.276 traumatic stress disorder and anxiety disorder. And so my therapist had 00:04:33.309 --> 00:04:36.416 been telling me, you know, like, be aware of your body because it 00:04:36.449 --> 00:04:40.645 manifests bodily um because that might have an effect on your labor. But I 00:04:40.678 --> 00:04:43.986 had read all of these books by AA May and whoever else. And I had thought 00:04:44.019 --> 00:04:48.286 , you know, like I went to yoga and I know how to do yoga breathing. And I 00:04:48.319 --> 00:04:52.476 , I, we have a labor tub like this is, it's going to be fine. And so my 00:04:52.509 --> 00:04:55.666 midwife noticed that I was really tense a few days before my due date. And 00:04:55.699 --> 00:04:59.176 she said, you know, you're still three centimeters. Um, you, you look good 00:04:59.209 --> 00:05:02.856 , but it's not time yet. She's, and she just told me she'd go home, take a 00:05:02.889 --> 00:05:07.776 bath, drink a glass of wine, like do and just calm down. And so I kept 00:05:07.809 --> 00:05:10.447 thinking my water had broke and finally they were like, you know, put a 00:05:10.480 --> 00:05:15.055 pad in and if it's soaked within, you know, 20 minutes, then your water 00:05:15.088 --> 00:05:19.575 has broken and come in and I woke up, I think it had to have been like 00:05:19.608 --> 00:05:25.096 1130 and I woke up and I stood up and I had this huge contraction and just 00:05:25.129 --> 00:05:28.377 like a bucket of water just came out. Right. I mean, and only one in 10 00:05:28.410 --> 00:05:33.007 women even have their water break naturally. And so I, I woke my partner 00:05:33.040 --> 00:05:35.575 up and I said, you know, my water broke and he's like, no, it didn't 00:05:35.608 --> 00:05:38.467 because I've been doing this all week, right where I'm like, I know. And I 00:05:38.500 --> 00:05:42.245 was like, no, it really, really, it really happened. And he said, ok, and 00:05:42.278 --> 00:05:46.377 so we went downstairs and we left, but by that point I think I was, my 00:05:46.410 --> 00:05:49.055 contractions were like three minutes apart. I mean, it was really, it was 00:05:49.088 --> 00:05:53.217 , seemed to be going really fast. We went to the hospital, they didn't 00:05:53.250 --> 00:05:57.895 have a room for us. And so I remember I was out in the waiting room and 00:05:57.928 --> 00:06:01.257 you know, there's all these people with like balloons and stuffed animals 00:06:01.290 --> 00:06:03.726 and it's one in the morning, they're waiting to see their happy nieces and 00:06:03.759 --> 00:06:07.426 nephews and I'm like holding on to the wall, like trying not to scream 00:06:07.459 --> 00:06:11.596 like just pouring fluid everywhere. It was horrible. And finally, like 00:06:11.629 --> 00:06:16.486 they got a room for me and like, I just, I knew something was wrong, right 00:06:16.519 --> 00:06:20.447 ? It was horrible. It was more pain than I had ever imagined. And that was 00:06:20.480 --> 00:06:24.176 one thing that really shocked me is I remember thinking like I read tons 00:06:24.209 --> 00:06:27.187 of books and none of them just said like you, it's gonna hurt worse than 00:06:27.220 --> 00:06:31.086 anything you ever felt in your life. And it's like, why, why was this not 00:06:31.119 --> 00:06:35.296 in the book? Like, sure I have a labor tub and, and sure I have, you know 00:06:35.329 --> 00:06:38.145 , like good breathing skills and a tennis ball on my back. But none of 00:06:38.178 --> 00:06:41.127 it's, it's working. So we were tearing my clothes off because I didn't 00:06:41.160 --> 00:06:45.697 want them on my body and then waiting for the labor tub to fill. And once 00:06:45.730 --> 00:06:49.176 I finally got into the labor tub that helped for a while because at this 00:06:49.209 --> 00:06:52.486 point, I think my contractions were like a minute and a half apart and it 00:06:52.519 --> 00:06:55.786 was really, really bad and it was really painful. And I just kept thinking 00:06:55.819 --> 00:06:59.637 , like, nobody told me it was gonna be this bad. And then I felt stupid 00:06:59.670 --> 00:07:02.245 because I'm like, well, of course, it was going to be bad. But, and we had 00:07:02.278 --> 00:07:05.705 had this, you know, ridiculous. Now I look at it and I just laugh like 00:07:05.738 --> 00:07:09.055 this ridiculous birth plan, right? Like we're going to have essential oils 00:07:09.088 --> 00:07:13.145 and soft music playing and no lights on and no hospital gowns and no 00:07:13.178 --> 00:07:18.296 hospital personnel and no medication and, and it's so idealistic. So this 00:07:18.329 --> 00:07:24.726 was, I think it was like six hours, maybe, maybe 44 or five hours. Um And 00:07:24.759 --> 00:07:27.575 they were like, hey, we're gonna check you and I thought for sure, you 00:07:27.608 --> 00:07:32.205 know, I was six or seven, I was four centimeters and I just like, I'm 00:07:32.238 --> 00:07:35.305 doing all this stupid breathing stuff and visualization and none of it's 00:07:35.338 --> 00:07:40.637 working and, and I finally just, I, I just can't do it and I, I said, like 00:07:40.670 --> 00:07:45.055 I need something like I don't want an epidural and I think because he was 00:07:45.088 --> 00:07:49.895 taken by surprise and because I had told him so adamantly that I didn't 00:07:49.928 --> 00:07:55.286 want medication, my partner kind of, I don't want to say argued with me 00:07:55.319 --> 00:07:58.817 but was like, are you sure you want this? And I had taken this, this 00:07:58.850 --> 00:08:02.137 disappointment and like he's disappointed in me and I'm weak for needing 00:08:02.170 --> 00:08:06.007 it. And, and I was just like, I don't, I don't care. So they gave me, I 00:08:06.040 --> 00:08:10.575 think it was Demerol and they had to hold me down and give me a shot 00:08:10.608 --> 00:08:15.817 because I didn't have an IV. And um it didn't do anything like it just 00:08:15.850 --> 00:08:19.575 made me dizzy and made me sick. And I was like, well, why the hell would 00:08:19.608 --> 00:08:23.046 you tell me this would help because it didn't help? And now I feel like I 00:08:23.079 --> 00:08:27.176 failed and I'm not even relieved of any pain. Now, if my midwife at that 00:08:27.209 --> 00:08:31.336 point had said the next six will go 1000 times faster. But nobody told me 00:08:31.369 --> 00:08:36.356 that either. And so I was just, I felt defeated and tired and I remember 00:08:36.389 --> 00:08:40.746 thinking if I could just get like 20 minutes of sleep, I would have done 00:08:40.779 --> 00:08:45.726 so much better. And so it was in the labor tub. And I remember like clear 00:08:45.759 --> 00:08:49.525 day, even now I had this horrible contraction and all I wanted to do was 00:08:49.558 --> 00:08:52.486 push and I said, like, all right, like I, I need to push and they said no 00:08:52.519 --> 00:08:56.476 , there's no way. There's no way. And I said, yes, there is. And they're 00:08:56.509 --> 00:08:59.307 like, it's gonna, you don't want me to check you. And I said, yes, I want 00:08:59.340 --> 00:09:03.037 you like, you need to do it. So I got out of the tub, I, you know, dried 00:09:03.070 --> 00:09:05.797 off or whatever and they checked me and they were like, oh my God, it's 00:09:05.830 --> 00:09:09.645 time to push. They said there's a lip of your cervix that we can wait for 00:09:09.678 --> 00:09:13.797 or we can manually push it. And I said, I, and they said that it will hurt 00:09:13.830 --> 00:09:16.316 really bad. I said, I don't care. I'm in so much pain, just do it, wait 00:09:16.349 --> 00:09:20.797 for the contraction and do it. And so they did it and I started pushing 00:09:20.830 --> 00:09:25.385 and it felt really good. Like I felt really happy. I, I was excited and it 00:09:25.418 --> 00:09:29.667 was still painful, but I was channeling that pain into pushing. And I, 00:09:29.700 --> 00:09:33.385 like, I, I hit like a second stride and, or maybe a first stride because I 00:09:33.418 --> 00:09:37.625 never really felt like I had one and I was pushing and pushing and my 00:09:37.658 --> 00:09:40.417 midwife kept saying like, oh, you're doing so good, like good job. She was 00:09:40.450 --> 00:09:45.696 being really encouraging and then she left and she said, just take a, take 00:09:45.729 --> 00:09:49.436 a break and she left 00:09:49.469 --> 00:09:54.816 and she came back with a woman. I didn't know who looked like a doctor and 00:09:54.849 --> 00:09:58.726 the midwife says to the doctor right in front of me, she's been pushing 00:09:58.759 --> 00:10:05.346 for 2.5 hours and the baby hasn't moved. And I was like, what were you 00:10:05.379 --> 00:10:10.816 going to tell me? And so the doctor said, well, like, not at all. And he 00:10:10.849 --> 00:10:14.057 said, no, the baby hasn't descended the baby, she's 10 centimeters. We 00:10:14.090 --> 00:10:18.717 moved the cervical lip. I mean, the baby was fine. Right. But hasn't 00:10:18.750 --> 00:10:25.116 descended at all. And so she, I remember the doctor goes in to like, feel 00:10:25.149 --> 00:10:30.616 the baby and it was horrible, like the pain was awful. And she, she said 00:10:30.649 --> 00:10:34.236 he's, he's stuck, he's twisted, he's in the wrong position. Um, he's never 00:10:34.269 --> 00:10:40.096 going to come out this way. So I need to twist him, twist him back and I 00:10:40.129 --> 00:10:43.326 said, OK, fine, twist him back and she tried to do it and I couldn't, I 00:10:43.359 --> 00:10:45.645 just couldn't handle it. And I think part of it's because she was a 00:10:45.678 --> 00:10:48.717 complete stranger. And now I see like it's my PTSD and it's all these 00:10:48.750 --> 00:10:51.946 things. I mean, she had her whole hand up my vagina, like, of course, it 00:10:51.979 --> 00:10:55.746 would cause me anxiety. And so she said, like, you need to get an epidural 00:10:55.779 --> 00:11:00.025 , like she can't do this, like it's time for an epidural. Like she just, 00:11:00.058 --> 00:11:03.057 and at that point, II, I think I fought for a little bit and I finally 00:11:03.090 --> 00:11:06.967 just, I just gave up. So the anesthesiologist comes in and, you know, you 00:11:07.000 --> 00:11:10.366 have to sit up straight and hold your back really still, which is 00:11:10.399 --> 00:11:13.537 incredibly hard when you have contractions coming every, you know, 45 30 00:11:13.570 --> 00:11:19.356 seconds. And he's like, ok, it's in wait 20 minutes and, you know, it'll 00:11:19.389 --> 00:11:23.106 start to feel much better and 20 minutes pass. And I'm like, I still feel 00:11:23.139 --> 00:11:27.496 everything and the thing that was bothering me the most is that the nurses 00:11:27.529 --> 00:11:32.807 didn't believe me. And I was like, no, I'm telling you, I feel everything. 00:11:32.840 --> 00:11:36.446 And so the anesthesiologist came back and said, oh my God, you're right. 00:11:36.479 --> 00:11:40.116 He was really nice. Um, and he did it a second time and the second time it 00:11:40.149 --> 00:11:43.557 worked. And so I was pushing and it was the same thing. It was so much 00:11:43.590 --> 00:11:46.505 harder because I couldn't feel anything. But I had the midwife I liked and 00:11:46.538 --> 00:11:51.297 , you know, my partner and they were holding my legs back and it was so 00:11:51.330 --> 00:11:54.316 weird because I was pushing something I couldn't feel. But they kept 00:11:54.349 --> 00:11:57.917 saying like, you're doing good, like keep pushing, you're doing great. And 00:11:57.950 --> 00:12:01.116 they're like, ok, just take a break. Your contractions are slowing down, 00:12:01.149 --> 00:12:04.496 which I'm sure was because of the epidural. And I was starting to get 00:12:04.529 --> 00:12:08.976 frustrated, but I was not in pain. I remember when, when it stopped, the 00:12:09.009 --> 00:12:12.726 pain stopped and they said, like, you just had a contraction. I started 00:12:12.759 --> 00:12:16.846 crying and I remember it was because I was so relieved. But also because I 00:12:16.879 --> 00:12:20.066 was so sad and I didn't expect to be sad when the pain was gone, but I was 00:12:20.099 --> 00:12:24.967 , I felt like defeated. Um, they came back and they said, ok, you really, 00:12:25.000 --> 00:12:30.346 you really have to push, you really have to put into this. And I did and 00:12:30.379 --> 00:12:34.956 it seemed like things were going well. And then the doctor came back in 00:12:34.989 --> 00:12:39.427 and they said the baby still has not moved at all. And it had been another 00:12:39.460 --> 00:12:43.547 two hours of pushing. And so I said, no, I said, I'm not getting ac 00:12:43.580 --> 00:12:46.856 section and the doctor said, I'll let you push another hour, but that's it. 00:12:46.889 --> 00:12:50.417 This is all you get. And if the baby hasn't moved, we need to, we need to 00:12:50.450 --> 00:12:54.967 move on. And I think a big moment for me that was really devastating was 00:12:55.000 --> 00:13:01.135 in that between time of like, we'll let you push one more time um in 00:13:01.168 --> 00:13:05.057 between the pushing one more time. And them telling me I had sat on the 00:13:05.090 --> 00:13:08.417 epidural button because they had put it in the wrong. And so I got like 00:13:08.450 --> 00:13:12.356 way numb, way fast, which wasn't supposed to happen. And that was also 00:13:12.389 --> 00:13:15.856 like a horrible, I remember my fingers feeling tingly. And again, I'm 00:13:15.889 --> 00:13:20.576 telling the nurses like something's wrong and they're like, no, it's fine. 00:13:20.609 --> 00:13:25.515 And then finally my partner sees that I'm on the fucking button. And so 00:13:25.548 --> 00:13:28.936 then they're like, ok, we're going to try pushing again. And I knew that 00:13:28.969 --> 00:13:33.297 third time I was pushing that last hour that it just wasn't, I knew it was 00:13:33.330 --> 00:13:35.755 going to happen because I couldn't feel anything. I couldn't feel my chest. 00:13:35.788 --> 00:13:40.537 I couldn't feel, I just was, I mean, I was devastated. I remember I was 00:13:40.570 --> 00:13:45.976 laying there and I was like, like naked and the, the sun was coming in and 00:13:46.009 --> 00:13:49.106 I had all these nurses and midwives and doctors and my partner and I was 00:13:49.139 --> 00:13:52.996 just hysterical and I think both my, the midwife I trusted and my partner 00:13:53.029 --> 00:13:56.596 , like at the same time was like, like fucking, you give her a minute, 00:13:56.629 --> 00:14:01.135 right? Like she's completely losing it here. And so everybody left and I 00:14:01.168 --> 00:14:06.606 just calmed down and I, I told my partner, I said, I, it was really hard 00:14:06.639 --> 00:14:09.547 and I, I finally said, fine, whatever, like I don't care. So then I 00:14:09.580 --> 00:14:12.226 started prepping and I don't remember any of that. I remember, you know, 00:14:12.259 --> 00:14:16.116 that obviously they put an IV in. I don't remember being wheeled to the 00:14:16.149 --> 00:14:19.125 room. That's something that I've been trying to conjure. And I just don't 00:14:19.158 --> 00:14:22.907 remember any of it. I remember being in the room and I remember just 00:14:22.940 --> 00:14:27.316 laying there crying. There's all these people around me. I can't move and 00:14:27.349 --> 00:14:30.385 the curtain was there. And I remember I just kept saying, like, I want him 00:14:30.418 --> 00:14:33.407 to go straight to my chest. And my midwife said, absolutely, we can still 00:14:33.440 --> 00:14:37.836 do that. And I said, and I told everybody that would listen, I want him, I 00:14:37.869 --> 00:14:41.446 want to get my skin to skin. I want him right on my chest. I'd like, 00:14:41.479 --> 00:14:44.907 that's fine, like fine. I have ac section because they said sometimes we 00:14:44.940 --> 00:14:48.145 move babies and they move right back. And I said, well, just his 00:14:48.178 --> 00:14:51.765 temperament alone. I can see like maybe that's the type of baby he is and 00:14:51.798 --> 00:14:54.895 they said it's, of course he'll go just like a regular birth. And that's 00:14:54.928 --> 00:14:58.657 what I kept saying. That was a big deal to me. It was written 15 times in 00:14:58.690 --> 00:15:03.726 my birth plan and, and I had come to terms with it pretty quickly. Um, but 00:15:03.759 --> 00:15:07.557 I said like, but as long as he gets put on my chest and everyone agreed 00:15:07.590 --> 00:15:12.576 that was going to happen. And I, I remember it was dim because I told them 00:15:12.609 --> 00:15:17.047 I didn't want the lights on. And so they, they, my midwife tried very hard 00:15:17.080 --> 00:15:20.696 to make it how I wanted it to be in the room. They asked if I wanted 00:15:20.729 --> 00:15:24.047 specific music played and I said, no, which I regret because then they 00:15:24.080 --> 00:15:28.135 started playing like, you know, pop whatever. And I was just like, this is 00:15:28.168 --> 00:15:34.836 horrible and I'll, I'll never forget like it's so hard for me. I remember 00:15:34.869 --> 00:15:41.157 my partner saying that that's it. Like that's our son. Can you hear our 00:15:41.190 --> 00:15:46.635 son? And I, I couldn't. And then all of a sudden so like, I, like, I'm 00:15:46.668 --> 00:15:52.047 hearing the sound behind me. 00:15:52.080 --> 00:15:55.616 And I was like, where, where is he? But no one can hear me because I'm so 00:15:55.649 --> 00:15:58.525 drugged that I, I can't lift my head up. And I just remember saying like, 00:15:58.558 --> 00:16:03.996 where the fuck is my baby? And my partner is trying to stay with me. And I 00:16:04.029 --> 00:16:08.496 was like, why is he, why isn't he on my chest? And he, he said, well, he 00:16:08.529 --> 00:16:12.417 was £10 that's why he wouldn't come out whatever. And, and I was like, 00:16:12.450 --> 00:16:16.775 where, where's my baby? Like, I don't care how big he is. And um, when 00:16:16.808 --> 00:16:20.385 they did finally put it, he was wrapped in this blanket and I couldn't, 00:16:20.418 --> 00:16:24.505 like, I couldn't even lift my head. I remember trying to tell anybody but 00:16:24.538 --> 00:16:28.116 I, I couldn't project my voice. I remember trying to say like somebody 00:16:28.149 --> 00:16:32.005 helped me, like I couldn't even see him. I mean, it was horrible. It was 00:16:32.038 --> 00:16:36.047 the worst feeling I've ever felt in my entire life was like there was this 00:16:36.080 --> 00:16:39.645 blanket between us and it was horrible. It was like the one moment I 00:16:39.678 --> 00:16:43.797 wanted and it just didn't happen. And I mean, it's ridiculous that it 00:16:43.830 --> 00:16:47.467 bothers me because we're so bonded, but it's still really, it made a big 00:16:47.500 --> 00:16:51.446 difference to me. And I just, I wanted, like there was nothing more in my 00:16:51.479 --> 00:16:54.456 entire life I've ever wanted than to lift my head up and hold my own baby. 00:16:54.489 --> 00:16:58.816 And I couldn't do either one because I was so drugged and I don't 00:16:58.849 --> 00:17:01.755 remember what happened after that. I remember them wheeling me to like a 00:17:01.788 --> 00:17:07.717 room kind of. And I started to get my feeling together and I like, ok, 00:17:07.750 --> 00:17:12.766 we're going to try to breastfeed right away. And I remember I couldn't 00:17:12.799 --> 00:17:17.266 hold him. My arms were too weak and I just, I was terrified. I was going 00:17:17.299 --> 00:17:24.217 to drop him. I was numb and in shock and I was, I was so unhappy and I 00:17:24.250 --> 00:17:28.335 remember feeling really guilty for being so unhappy because it's supposed 00:17:28.368 --> 00:17:32.035 to be like the best moment of my life and I couldn't get him to latch on. 00:17:32.068 --> 00:17:34.387 My nipples weren't responding. And now I know it's because I had ac 00:17:34.420 --> 00:17:37.756 section. But nobody bothered to tell me that nobody bothered to say this 00:17:37.789 --> 00:17:41.467 is happening because your whole body is numb and your tissue is numb. They 00:17:41.500 --> 00:17:44.785 were just like, oh, we'll get you a nipple shield. And I remember they 00:17:44.818 --> 00:17:48.335 tried to come in and give him a bath. I think like a day after he was born 00:17:48.368 --> 00:17:51.426 and I told him no. And they were like, no. And I said no, like he's my 00:17:51.459 --> 00:17:55.276 baby and you're not giving him a bath like you can leave. And just because 00:17:55.309 --> 00:17:59.196 I didn't want to ever be away from my son. And I think a part of that was 00:17:59.229 --> 00:18:03.676 , I just felt like that space of like two minutes being away from him 00:18:03.709 --> 00:18:08.026 right after he was born. Had a profound effect. Like I still have like 00:18:08.059 --> 00:18:12.526 these horrible, like dreams about like him being separated from me because 00:18:12.559 --> 00:18:16.967 like the one thing I wanted I didn't get because somebody was sloppy or 00:18:17.000 --> 00:18:21.575 lazy or forgot or somebody felt like they had a right to do whatever they 00:18:21.608 --> 00:18:25.117 wanted. Like who the fuck cares how big his head was or how heavy he was. 00:18:25.150 --> 00:18:29.217 Like, he should have been with me in that moment And he wasn't 00:18:29.250 --> 00:18:32.756 one thing that was really validating was they said, and you could even see 00:18:32.789 --> 00:18:36.246 the little dent in his head. Like when they went in there, he was in the 00:18:36.279 --> 00:18:39.877 exact position, they had moved him out and they said some babies just move 00:18:39.910 --> 00:18:44.446 right back and I have no doubts that that's especially knowing him. Now, I 00:18:44.479 --> 00:18:48.367 have no doubt that they moved him and he moved right back where he was 00:18:48.400 --> 00:18:53.656 comfortable and that's how he still sleeps in his most comfortable. And so 00:18:53.689 --> 00:18:57.805 his head is like twisted to the side because, you know, the fetal position 00:18:57.838 --> 00:19:00.825 , your legs are tucked in and your head is tucked down. Well, his head is 00:19:00.858 --> 00:19:06.026 tucked back like at a almost like a 90 degree angle into the side and his 00:19:06.059 --> 00:19:11.736 legs are sprawled like like kind of curled together and up, but also back. 00:19:11.769 --> 00:19:15.906 So he's like a, it's like a reverse fetal position. And from the day he 00:19:15.939 --> 00:19:19.686 was born when he sleeps on his own, that's how he sleeps working with this 00:19:19.719 --> 00:19:23.835 through my own poetry. And my own work was really interesting. That was in 00:19:23.868 --> 00:19:27.085 some ways also vindicating but also very frustrating. It's hard to write 00:19:27.118 --> 00:19:30.815 about something traumatic and like a linear narrative because it wasn't 00:19:30.848 --> 00:19:33.607 linear even now telling the story. I'm like, oh wait, I forgot this and I 00:19:33.640 --> 00:19:37.516 go back and forth. And so I went to get the documents from the hospital. 00:19:37.549 --> 00:19:43.426 So I got the documents and the incompleteness of them was shocking at one 00:19:43.459 --> 00:19:47.946 point. I mean, on one hand, but there were things that like the hospital 00:19:47.979 --> 00:19:52.825 or the people present didn't tell me which like the cord was wrapped 00:19:52.858 --> 00:19:57.377 around his neck. And if somebody had told me that even after I would have 00:19:57.410 --> 00:19:59.516 felt a whole lot better because what would have happened if he had 00:19:59.549 --> 00:20:05.597 descended, why didn't anybody tell me? And that has to be a failure of the 00:20:05.630 --> 00:20:10.357 system? I mean, I they're being distance because that's what we had 00:20:10.390 --> 00:20:13.565 requested. But like, why did nobody tell me they were monitoring the heart 00:20:13.598 --> 00:20:17.766 more than normal? Because like all of these things would have helped. And 00:20:17.799 --> 00:20:23.217 I remember hearing all the encouraging things and I understand why. But I 00:20:23.250 --> 00:20:29.516 also think like, why didn't anybody say like it's even just saying like 00:20:29.549 --> 00:20:33.967 progress is really slow because here I was thinking I was going to see my 00:20:34.000 --> 00:20:37.986 baby and then a strange doctor gets brought in and said the baby hasn't 00:20:38.019 --> 00:20:43.936 moved an inch nothing nowhere like you've done three hours of hard, the 00:20:43.969 --> 00:20:46.676 hardest work you've ever done with your body and the baby hasn't moved. 00:20:46.709 --> 00:20:51.926 And I found that to be very frustrating that no one had told me any of 00:20:51.959 --> 00:20:56.006 these things that were going on. Then I realized I didn't know the, the 00:20:56.039 --> 00:20:59.256 cord is wrapped around his neck until the C section. But somebody could 00:20:59.289 --> 00:21:02.335 have told me that after it would have made me feel a whole lot better 00:21:02.368 --> 00:21:06.387 about it because I was really happy. But I was also really depressed and 00:21:06.420 --> 00:21:08.887 really sad that I had missed this because I don't think I'm gonna have 00:21:08.920 --> 00:21:12.766 more Children. I don't, I can't even imagine having more Children. And so 00:21:12.799 --> 00:21:17.676 this was my one birth and everything that could go wrong pretty much went 00:21:17.709 --> 00:21:23.976 wrong and it comes back to this expectation where I was so sure that it 00:21:24.009 --> 00:21:27.617 wasn't going to go wrong. Like I watched the documentary and I read the 00:21:27.650 --> 00:21:33.236 books and like it's going to be fine, right? Like, and they all of the 00:21:33.269 --> 00:21:36.676 literature says, like be prepared that anything could happen. And of 00:21:36.709 --> 00:21:40.835 course, like, yeah, of course anything can happen, but not to me, right? 00:21:40.868 --> 00:21:44.897 Like it was, that's always where it was like not to me. And you know, my 00:21:44.930 --> 00:21:48.857 mom had three Children and my grandmother had three Children and you know 00:21:48.890 --> 00:21:52.526 , I have big hips, it's, it's fine, right? Like it's the hospitals and the 00:21:52.559 --> 00:21:59.656 doctors that make these things happen, not our bodies. And I was so wrong. 00:21:59.689 --> 00:22:02.535 And I mean, part of the reason I was in so much pain was that his 00:22:02.568 --> 00:22:05.496 position because he was pressed up against my back. So I was having front 00:22:05.529 --> 00:22:09.785 labor and back labor. But nobody told me that then either. And I felt like 00:22:09.818 --> 00:22:13.147 if somebody had said like the way he's twisted his wire in so much pain, 00:22:13.180 --> 00:22:17.887 like maybe I would have felt more confident. But that's part of my problem 00:22:17.920 --> 00:22:23.526 too is I lost my confidence almost immediately because it, it just hurt so 00:22:23.559 --> 00:22:27.226 much more than I ever expected it to. So my partner told me a lot that 00:22:27.259 --> 00:22:32.926 really helped me was like, if you, like, if we didn't have this medical 00:22:32.959 --> 00:22:35.785 advancement, you and the baby would be dead. And that's something that 00:22:35.818 --> 00:22:41.397 weirdly as it may be sustains me a lot to think that it could have been a 00:22:41.430 --> 00:22:46.166 whole lot worse. But I was talking to a friend about like the mommy wars, 00:22:46.199 --> 00:22:50.206 right? Like the formula versus, and breast milk. And I said that's not 00:22:50.239 --> 00:22:55.785 where it starts. It starts in when, before you've even had a baby and it 00:22:55.818 --> 00:23:02.406 starts in the delivery room. And like, I still see friends or people in 00:23:02.439 --> 00:23:06.597 like mom groups that post like I did unnatural medicated labor, like, 00:23:06.630 --> 00:23:09.926 don't fuck with me or whatever. And it's like all in the name of female 00:23:09.959 --> 00:23:14.387 empowerment, but it's like, does that mean I'm a weak person does. That 00:23:14.420 --> 00:23:18.815 mean I'm a weak mother because my baby was stuck and twisted and I 00:23:18.848 --> 00:23:22.647 couldn't like, no, it doesn't mean that it's fucking hard and it's painful 00:23:22.680 --> 00:23:26.986 and it's awful and I felt like it was a huge disservice to me that I was 00:23:27.019 --> 00:23:32.196 told this was a magical, mystical, beautiful, transcending experience. And 00:23:32.229 --> 00:23:36.545 I'm sure for some people it isn't great for them. But my experience has 00:23:36.578 --> 00:23:40.986 been that it's not and most people that I talk to, it's not when people 00:23:41.019 --> 00:23:45.266 say that because the baby is here and healthy, there's nothing to worry 00:23:45.299 --> 00:23:50.406 about. They're removing the mother from the equation which makes me really 00:23:50.439 --> 00:23:54.467 angry because like it didn't happen to the baby. It happened to me and it 00:23:54.500 --> 00:23:58.045 happened to my body and like there's a whole patch of skin that I'll never 00:23:58.078 --> 00:24:03.347 feel again in my life. And like, there's, I remember having sex the first 00:24:03.380 --> 00:24:06.742 time after and I remember having like labor flashbacks, like nobody told 00:24:06.775 --> 00:24:09.752 me that was going to happen, but I pushed for six hours. Of course, it was 00:24:09.785 --> 00:24:14.831 going to happen. And I couldn't have sex that way for like several months. 00:24:14.864 --> 00:24:17.670 Even now. Sometimes if I'm feeling particularly vulnerable, I can't 00:24:17.703 --> 00:24:21.002 because it just reminds me of this horrible traumatic event. And so when 00:24:21.035 --> 00:24:25.111 people say, well, you have a healthy baby, what does it matter? It 00:24:25.144 --> 00:24:30.127 happened to my body and to me and the birth experience is more my 00:24:30.160 --> 00:24:33.305 experience than it is his. Of course, I'm happy that I have a baby. That's 00:24:33.338 --> 00:24:36.926 why I got pregnant and that's why I didn't have an abortion or give him up 00:24:36.959 --> 00:24:39.446 for adoption. But that doesn't mean that something didn't happen to me and 00:24:39.479 --> 00:24:44.075 that I wasn't there. And basically it's how, when people ask women how 00:24:44.108 --> 00:24:48.795 they're doing, what they really want you to say is fine. Right. I'm doing 00:24:48.828 --> 00:24:53.426 fine and I feel like that's the same thing with like childbirth. If 00:24:53.459 --> 00:24:58.085 someone does ask you, they don't want to hear like I felt like my insides 00:24:58.118 --> 00:25:02.637 were being ripped inside out. They, they just want to hear like it was a 00:25:02.670 --> 00:25:08.496 beautiful magical experience and it was the best day of my life and people 00:25:08.529 --> 00:25:13.857 want this idealized and fine. And it's just, I guess what amazes me the 00:25:13.890 --> 00:25:17.617 most about that is people with Children say that and, and I was like, well 00:25:17.650 --> 00:25:20.377 , you were there like, did you not feel like it happened to you? But it's 00:25:20.410 --> 00:25:23.887 just a change in perspective, I guess it's that whole, like mothers are 00:25:23.920 --> 00:25:29.627 selfish if they think about themselves. And it's like I'm a person and I'm 00:25:29.660 --> 00:25:32.979 a mother, I'm not one or the other.