WEBVTT 00:00:00.600 --> 00:00:05.085 All right, this is Forest Solis interviewing Erica Simon on May 27th, 00:00:05.118 --> 00:00:13.118 2016 at 1245 for the Creative First project. OK. So if you can um take us 00:00:13.419 --> 00:00:18.195 back to the conception, but could you also maybe revisit your, I'm 00:00:18.228 --> 00:00:23.306 assuming this is the father of your child. So, set up your relationship 00:00:23.339 --> 00:00:25.817 too because 00:00:25.850 --> 00:00:32.515 so I've known David since I was nine. And um I think sometimes we hold 00:00:32.548 --> 00:00:36.277 back how we met and how long we've been together because I think there's a 00:00:36.310 --> 00:00:41.006 lot of skeptics these days that high school sweethearts actually make it. 00:00:41.039 --> 00:00:47.686 But we've been together for 15 years and married for almost 10. And uh we 00:00:47.719 --> 00:00:51.726 always knew we were gonna have kids just, we didn't really ever say when 00:00:51.759 --> 00:00:56.656 and how many and do you want boys or girls or what that was all about? But 00:00:56.689 --> 00:01:03.347 , uh we had been married four years and I think around the time I turned 00:01:03.380 --> 00:01:11.380 26 I said, you know, uh I feel like we need to have kids soon. So, uh we 00:01:12.028 --> 00:01:18.076 actually definitely planned to get pregnant. Yeah, 00:01:18.109 --> 00:01:21.885 it's really loud ticking. 00:01:21.918 --> 00:01:29.867 Ok. Fine. So we absolutely planned to have kids and I think more. So now I 00:01:29.900 --> 00:01:33.477 hear a lot of my friends say, oh, it took me a year to get pregnant. And 00:01:33.510 --> 00:01:37.337 so that was the timeline we were operating off of and a month later we 00:01:37.370 --> 00:01:43.986 were pregnant with my daughter Lexi. Um So we were very fortunate on that 00:01:44.019 --> 00:01:48.786 piece of things, but at the time we were living in Minnesota and we really 00:01:48.819 --> 00:01:53.986 , really wanted to be close to family when we had our kids. So we made all 00:01:54.019 --> 00:01:59.326 of the plans and orchestration to get back here. Um But I didn't ever 00:01:59.359 --> 00:02:05.206 expect for it to be as quickly as it happened. We literally found out we 00:02:05.239 --> 00:02:10.805 were pregnant with Lexi in January of 2011 and our house was on the market 00:02:10.838 --> 00:02:18.838 and sold by March. We had new jobs by May and had moved by June and it was 00:02:18.838 --> 00:02:24.835 a lot to go through when you're pregnant. Uh I had a lot of morning 00:02:24.868 --> 00:02:30.677 sickness and never really felt good for the 1st 20 weeks. Uh We lived with 00:02:30.710 --> 00:02:37.816 family off and on and looking back at it, you know, we went from basically 00:02:37.849 --> 00:02:42.225 sea level all the way up to Flagstaff to elevation and that's kind of when 00:02:42.258 --> 00:02:48.436 things got bad. So I got really, really sick at about 27 weeks pregnant 00:02:48.469 --> 00:02:54.396 and went on bed rest for uh six weeks, strict bed rest like you have to 00:02:54.429 --> 00:02:59.616 lay flat, kind of bed rest, you cannot move you cannot get up. And most of 00:02:59.649 --> 00:03:04.327 it was because of blood pressure. So they couldn't get my blood pressure 00:03:04.360 --> 00:03:12.360 down at all. Um, I was sitting like 100 and 70/100 constantly. And, uh, 00:03:13.879 --> 00:03:21.879 when I was about 31 weeks, I went into preterm labor and then they were 00:03:23.050 --> 00:03:29.636 able to stave that off for two more weeks and I had LEXI uh at 33.5 weeks. 00:03:29.669 --> 00:03:36.745 So she was a premature baby and that was really quite stressful. But, uh 00:03:36.778 --> 00:03:43.217 , during my pregnancy, like I said, I was really sick, um I didn't gain a 00:03:43.250 --> 00:03:50.077 ton of actual like physical weight, but towards the end, um, I probably 00:03:50.110 --> 00:03:56.717 gained £40 in fluid just really very sick with the high blood pressure and 00:03:56.750 --> 00:04:03.677 whatnot. Can you elaborate on what you mean by sick? So, I had nausea, 00:04:03.710 --> 00:04:10.017 vomiting. Um, I guess the technical term is hyperemesis, gravid arm where 00:04:10.050 --> 00:04:18.050 you can't stop throwing up. And so I had that and then I probably, I think 00:04:18.319 --> 00:04:24.387 I remember vividly at six months I had only gained, I don't know, I lost 00:04:24.420 --> 00:04:29.926 £11. Um, and so they were super concerned and I was like, well, I can't 00:04:29.959 --> 00:04:35.036 eat anything. And unfortunately, a lot of the recommendations you get are 00:04:35.069 --> 00:04:40.187 well, here, take this pill and it will stop your, um, it'll stop your 00:04:40.220 --> 00:04:43.786 nausea. But unfortunately, it's side effect is then it makes you 00:04:43.819 --> 00:04:48.476 constipated. So I didn't really have good choices so I preferred to be 00:04:48.509 --> 00:04:54.596 nauseous. Um, but so like I said, I don't really actually know how much 00:04:54.629 --> 00:05:00.455 baby weight I gained. Um, maybe, probably just the normal 15 to £20. But 00:05:00.488 --> 00:05:04.086 then really what I gained towards the end was a bunch of water weight from 00:05:04.119 --> 00:05:10.717 really poor blood pressure. And so I had what they call preeclampsia where 00:05:10.750 --> 00:05:13.705 the blood pressure is really high and they worry about you going to liver 00:05:13.738 --> 00:05:18.786 and kidney failure. Um So that, that's, I guess what I mean by really sick 00:05:18.819 --> 00:05:26.296 , how did they stave off the uh premature labor? Uh So they actually tried 00:05:26.329 --> 00:05:30.437 magnesium and that actually helps bring the blood pressure down. It's not 00:05:30.470 --> 00:05:35.055 , it's not something they would use, they primarily use it on pregnant 00:05:35.088 --> 00:05:41.257 people. Um But yeah, so we, we tried that and that actually got my 00:05:41.290 --> 00:05:46.967 contractions to stop. Um But then two weeks later, they actually opted to 00:05:47.000 --> 00:05:53.286 put me into labor because uh they were seeing lots of signs that baby was 00:05:53.319 --> 00:05:58.257 struggling and that I had really high blood pressure. And so they, they 00:05:58.290 --> 00:06:04.526 just opted to induce her. Did you know the sex? No, it was a complete 00:06:04.559 --> 00:06:10.705 surprise. So we uh painted the nursery green and that drove my mother and 00:06:10.738 --> 00:06:14.866 mother-in-law crazy because everybody, I feel like everybody finds out 00:06:14.899 --> 00:06:19.906 these days, but we just decided we're gonna pick two names and there's not 00:06:19.939 --> 00:06:25.395 very many surprises in life anymore. So we're just gonna wait and it's 00:06:25.428 --> 00:06:29.757 funny mo I feel like a lot of people have baby showers at like when 00:06:29.790 --> 00:06:34.127 they're really pregnant. My daughter actually got to be at her baby shower 00:06:34.160 --> 00:06:38.726 because she came so early. Uh So inadvertently we ended up with tons of 00:06:38.759 --> 00:06:45.086 pink because they already knew what she was. So, um how did you feel about 00:06:45.119 --> 00:06:48.356 the birth? I mean, were you 00:06:48.389 --> 00:06:53.205 the anticipation of him having a baby? What were the emotional feelings? 00:06:53.238 --> 00:06:59.676 So I was terrified only because I felt like I had been so sick. I can't 00:06:59.709 --> 00:07:04.637 imagine how I'm going to have a baby when I feel so miserable. 00:07:04.670 --> 00:07:10.476 And I think when I think about it and I've talked about this story tons of 00:07:10.509 --> 00:07:16.495 times with Catherine, but I never could picture in my mind actually 00:07:16.528 --> 00:07:22.336 pushing and actually having a baby and I actually had c sections with both 00:07:22.369 --> 00:07:26.796 of my kids. And I just never felt like that was going to be something that 00:07:26.829 --> 00:07:30.705 was going to be easy for me. And so I was really scared about that. And I 00:07:30.738 --> 00:07:36.526 remember asking my mom and my sister and my mother in law and my husband 00:07:36.559 --> 00:07:39.106 just kept saying you can do this, you can do this, you've got it. And I'm 00:07:39.139 --> 00:07:44.265 like, ok, you're not the one who has a human being growing inside of you. 00:07:44.298 --> 00:07:50.676 But uh I just never saw myself having that and I just couldn't vision it. 00:07:50.709 --> 00:07:54.937 And so one, it made me scared and two, I just didn't think it was real. 00:07:54.970 --> 00:08:00.546 Um, but on the opposite side, I never worried about nursing either of my 00:08:00.579 --> 00:08:03.217 kids. I knew that I was going to be able to do that and I knew that was 00:08:03.250 --> 00:08:08.697 going to be easy. And so I didn't have any fear about that, but actually 00:08:08.730 --> 00:08:15.276 the, the time around having the babies I had, I really could not picture 00:08:15.309 --> 00:08:18.757 what it was gonna be like. And I feel like even when you talk to people 00:08:18.790 --> 00:08:23.187 and they give you a good idea of what that's gonna feel like or be like, I 00:08:23.220 --> 00:08:30.805 just, I didn't relate to any of it at all. So, so they induced you because 00:08:30.838 --> 00:08:35.025 of the baby's health, right? What was the process of that? And after that 00:08:35.058 --> 00:08:40.677 , so I got hospitalized early that morning with high blood pressure and 00:08:40.710 --> 00:08:45.496 they wanted to monitor baby. And so we did all that and then as the day go 00:08:45.529 --> 00:08:50.826 went on, I had, I had actually been hospitalized three times before for 00:08:50.859 --> 00:08:54.907 them to monitor her and watch my blood pressure. But by the third time 00:08:54.940 --> 00:08:59.645 they're like, you know, I don't think we can keep doing this anymore. So 00:08:59.678 --> 00:09:03.297 early that morning we were admitted and I told my husband you should go 00:09:03.330 --> 00:09:06.525 home and get our bag. I think we're going to have a baby today and he's 00:09:06.558 --> 00:09:11.537 like, you're only 33 weeks, it's, you know, that's way too early. And I'm 00:09:11.570 --> 00:09:15.196 like, well, I just feel like we've, we've kind of used up all of our get 00:09:15.229 --> 00:09:19.407 out of hospital free cards. We, we've been here so many times and they've 00:09:19.440 --> 00:09:22.765 watched us so many days that I just feel like they're going to make that 00:09:22.798 --> 00:09:27.356 decision. And then I, I remember they sent a nursery nurse to come up and 00:09:27.389 --> 00:09:33.116 talk to me. And that's when I kind of felt like the, they had decided that 00:09:33.149 --> 00:09:39.496 I was gonna have the baby and I wasn't really there yet. Um, and they told 00:09:39.529 --> 00:09:45.076 me that when you have babies at 3334 weeks that they don't, they're not 00:09:45.109 --> 00:09:49.236 able to do all of the things that they need to do. So they prepped me for 00:09:49.269 --> 00:09:53.505 the worst picture and they prepped me for the best picture. And of course 00:09:53.538 --> 00:09:58.505 , I started crying because I'm a nurse and they told me she would need a 00:09:58.538 --> 00:10:03.275 breathing tube and a feeding tube and stay in the hospital potentially for 00:10:03.308 --> 00:10:09.505 up to two months. And so I, I knew what was gonna be happening, but I just 00:10:09.538 --> 00:10:12.797 didn't know what decisions they had started making. And so at seven that 00:10:12.830 --> 00:10:17.625 night they gave me and I don't know, I think it was Pitocin. I don't even 00:10:17.658 --> 00:10:21.586 remember what medications, but they gave me, um, a medication to induce 00:10:21.619 --> 00:10:27.525 labor. And they said that that would take 12 hours and then the next day I 00:10:27.558 --> 00:10:33.616 would be able to start pushing and, and have baby, uh, and two hours into 00:10:33.649 --> 00:10:41.649 it. About 5 to 7 people rushed into my room and started putting a surgical 00:10:41.859 --> 00:10:48.326 cap on me. They handed scrubs to my husband and they said we're taking you 00:10:48.359 --> 00:10:54.177 to have the baby right now. Um So what they had seen on the monitor was 00:10:54.210 --> 00:11:00.145 that the baby was having signs that she wasn't getting enough oxygen. So 00:11:00.178 --> 00:11:07.116 they opted to just go for it. And I think I found out at 913 that they 00:11:07.149 --> 00:11:15.149 were gonna do this and I had baby by 930. So I didn't ever really 00:11:15.440 --> 00:11:20.836 experience any of that. I remember being halfway out of it when they, they 00:11:20.869 --> 00:11:28.616 , they do like a spinal medication. Um, and I don't even remember talking 00:11:28.649 --> 00:11:33.395 to my husband saying anything. I don't remember really much. Um, I 00:11:33.428 --> 00:11:39.346 remember asking a lot over and over is the baby a boy or a girl. And they 00:11:39.379 --> 00:11:43.645 kept saying she's not out yet or he's not out yet. Baby's not out yet. And 00:11:43.678 --> 00:11:49.135 it wasn't until my husband walked over and he said it's a girl. So it was 00:11:49.168 --> 00:11:52.967 really strange because, you know, I guess people talk about how long they 00:11:53.000 --> 00:11:57.206 were in labor and all these things. I never really felt a real true labor 00:11:57.239 --> 00:12:04.936 contraction. I had never pushed and I had never done the typical uh birth 00:12:04.969 --> 00:12:08.167 things, although I guess c sections are pretty typical now, I just don't 00:12:08.200 --> 00:12:14.226 think most people get to experience them in such a drastic measure. So, um 00:12:14.259 --> 00:12:16.265 , 00:12:16.298 --> 00:12:21.297 so did they pull your baby out and show her to you or did they rush her 00:12:21.330 --> 00:12:26.895 away? Well, yes and no. So they pulled her out and they showed her to me 00:12:26.928 --> 00:12:33.217 over the drape and next thing I know they've got her over on the side of 00:12:33.250 --> 00:12:39.586 the room and I do remember saying to my husband stay with her. And so he 00:12:39.619 --> 00:12:44.106 went with her and they rushed her down to the special care nursery. And so 00:12:44.139 --> 00:12:49.677 at that point, I had what's up, she tiny, she was £5 00:12:49.710 --> 00:12:56.196 which considering we were really happy about, um, she was £5 and they said 00:12:56.229 --> 00:12:59.657 she just wasn't breathing very well. So they brought her down to special 00:12:59.690 --> 00:13:04.547 care nursery. They did oxygen. My husband took tons of pictures of her 00:13:04.580 --> 00:13:07.686 because he's like, it was really weird. They had her head trapped in this 00:13:07.719 --> 00:13:14.596 oxygen tank and it was very strange, but about hour down there, she was 00:13:14.629 --> 00:13:19.417 starting to drop her blood sugar. And thankfully, the, the nursery nurse 00:13:19.450 --> 00:13:24.037 who was working that day, she prefers to solve that by bringing baby to 00:13:24.070 --> 00:13:30.476 mom instead of just feeding them sugar. And so she brought her up to me. I 00:13:30.509 --> 00:13:36.836 was completely out of it. So they held baby on me while she nursed and she 00:13:36.869 --> 00:13:41.616 was a champ. She was so good at it. Like we have lots and lots of pictures. 00:13:41.649 --> 00:13:45.907 Remembering her like latching for the first time was not hard. At all. So 00:13:45.940 --> 00:13:51.255 it was really good. You must have, I mean, if I try to put myself in your 00:13:51.288 --> 00:13:55.677 shoes, I think throughout that whole pregnancy part and to the birth part 00:13:55.710 --> 00:13:59.596 , I'd be like kind of pissed that, you know, everyone's having this 00:13:59.629 --> 00:14:03.015 magical experience of being pregnant and having this birth and 00:14:03.048 --> 00:14:06.917 anticipation and you were like robbed of that and then had all these 00:14:06.950 --> 00:14:13.106 complications. Um So what was, what was your emotional state then? And 00:14:13.139 --> 00:14:17.956 then also to the point where you have this baby and you get to now bond 00:14:17.989 --> 00:14:22.635 and were you able to bond or? So my blood pressure didn't get fixed by 00:14:22.668 --> 00:14:27.625 having her. And that was what their hope was is that by having her. And 00:14:27.658 --> 00:14:33.547 actually the day later after I had had her, my labor nurse came up to see 00:14:33.580 --> 00:14:39.717 me and um she said I just held your hands and I don't remember that. And I 00:14:39.750 --> 00:14:44.467 remember saying, don't seize and she just kept saying that over and over 00:14:44.500 --> 00:14:50.186 in her head because my blood pressure was so high. Um So bonding was a 00:14:50.219 --> 00:14:56.936 challenge because I, I felt horrible. The whole first week I had her, I 00:14:56.969 --> 00:15:00.755 still had really high blood pressure. It did not make me feel better. So 00:15:00.788 --> 00:15:04.797 that I felt really robbed of because they basically sold this whole we'll 00:15:04.830 --> 00:15:09.346 do this emergency c section and you'll feel better instantly. Your problem 00:15:09.379 --> 00:15:12.836 is that you're pregnant and that wasn't the case. And so I actually went 00:15:12.869 --> 00:15:20.336 into the, er, a week later and was hemorrhaging. Um, and they, like, 00:15:20.369 --> 00:15:27.606 opened me up in the middle of the, er, um, to stop some of the bleeding 00:15:27.639 --> 00:15:32.986 and it was the most, probably of everything that I went to, probably the 00:15:33.019 --> 00:15:39.726 most painful thing I've gone through of all of it. And, uh, so I, to, to 00:15:39.759 --> 00:15:44.807 say I bonded with my child in the first week. I know I basically felt like 00:15:44.840 --> 00:15:51.736 a food source for the first week. And after, after that, I mean, it got 00:15:51.769 --> 00:15:56.956 progressively better. But you know, I have two kids and I will tell you 00:15:56.989 --> 00:16:01.635 bonding with my first child versus my second is night and day because I 00:16:01.668 --> 00:16:08.726 didn't have quite a dramatic experience as was my second. But um I really 00:16:08.759 --> 00:16:13.976 hated hearing people say I love feeling pregnant like that for me was the 00:16:14.009 --> 00:16:20.326 biggest dagger in the heart. I just didn't even want to talk to those 00:16:20.359 --> 00:16:24.515 people. My mother in law was adamant that she felt really great through 00:16:24.548 --> 00:16:29.047 pregnancy. She never felt the baby kick and she was never nauseated. And 00:16:29.080 --> 00:16:34.586 so I kept hearing these never, never nevers and it made me really just 00:16:34.619 --> 00:16:39.025 resent her for a time period. And I can say that now because it's four 00:16:39.058 --> 00:16:43.086 years later and I don't feel that way anymore. But uh I just didn't want 00:16:43.119 --> 00:16:48.635 to talk to her. She was not a comforting source for me. Uh And it made me 00:16:48.668 --> 00:16:53.836 feel like what I was going through was not real and that I couldn't have 00:16:53.869 --> 00:17:00.755 possibly felt the way I felt because she didn't feel that way. Sorry. Um 00:17:00.788 --> 00:17:05.906 But I think now I've talked to lots of people who everybody's story is so 00:17:05.939 --> 00:17:13.516 different that it makes me feel like it doesn't matter anymore. And so I 00:17:13.549 --> 00:17:18.706 have my story and you have your story and they are not all created equal. 00:17:18.739 --> 00:17:23.936 And yes, do I wish that I had no problems and felt great and all of that. 00:17:23.969 --> 00:17:27.585 But at the time, you know, practically from the time my daughter was born 00:17:27.618 --> 00:17:34.996 to two years, I was pretty much mad at, at how all of it happened because 00:17:35.029 --> 00:17:39.996 I felt robbed and I felt like a failure. I felt like I did not give birth 00:17:40.029 --> 00:17:47.166 to my child the way I'm supposed to. And, you know, does that make me less 00:17:47.199 --> 00:17:51.305 of a mom or not as tough? Because, you know, you talk to people who are 00:17:51.338 --> 00:17:55.717 like, oh, I pushed and labored for 36 hours. I'm like, well, I basically 00:17:55.750 --> 00:18:01.186 had my daughter in 17 minutes and I didn't really do anything. So that, 00:18:01.219 --> 00:18:08.006 that was hard. Um But four years later, I don't really even care because 00:18:08.039 --> 00:18:13.996 I've got this beautiful little four year old girl and a two year old now. 00:18:14.029 --> 00:18:20.246 And, but I don't, I don't know if this interview would be the same, you 00:18:20.279 --> 00:18:24.936 know, three years ago because I probably would have had a lot more and 00:18:24.969 --> 00:18:30.456 they still obviously harbor some resentment towards the comments I heard. 00:18:30.489 --> 00:18:34.347 But uh, I don't know, I just, 00:18:34.380 --> 00:18:38.736 I it's hard to put myself back in the spot I was in when she was born 00:18:38.769 --> 00:18:43.295 because I don't really wanna go back there at all. So when you were 00:18:43.328 --> 00:18:48.516 hemorrhaging, it was internal from where they, so they actually said it 00:18:48.549 --> 00:18:55.217 was on top of my muscle but underneath my skin and, uh, just because of 00:18:55.250 --> 00:18:58.656 the high blood pressure. So when you have high blood pressure and you're 00:18:58.689 --> 00:19:05.815 supposed to be healing, you just, it's like the dam comes loose again. And 00:19:05.848 --> 00:19:11.967 so here I was in the, er, with a seven day old at home, I did not want my 00:19:12.000 --> 00:19:16.936 seven day old in an, er, and so the first time David ever had to stay home 00:19:16.969 --> 00:19:21.597 with her was when she was seven days old and I would pump and my dad would 00:19:21.630 --> 00:19:29.630 go bring it to David and we just had this horrible cycle. Um, and I 00:19:30.118 --> 00:19:35.246 probably tell people to a fault how hard that first year is and maybe it 00:19:35.279 --> 00:19:39.717 was especially hard for me. So maybe that's not fair for me to tell that 00:19:39.750 --> 00:19:43.467 to people. But I think of like the things I heard from my mother-in-law, 00:19:43.500 --> 00:19:48.627 how everything was easy and having kids is easy and everything is easy and 00:19:48.660 --> 00:19:53.996 I just didn't want anybody to feel like when it is hard that you only have 00:19:54.029 --> 00:19:59.295 someone telling you how easy it is. Right. But then it's your fault and 00:19:59.328 --> 00:20:02.565 yes. Yeah. 00:20:02.598 --> 00:20:07.835 So, what was your husband? Can you? I mean, it's hard to imagine what 00:20:07.868 --> 00:20:10.206 someone else is feeling but it must have been hard for him to see you 00:20:10.239 --> 00:20:16.377 going through so much pain and suffering that you were, I think because 00:20:16.410 --> 00:20:22.766 he's a product of his mom. He tried to just stay positive. Um, and we joke 00:20:22.799 --> 00:20:29.186 about it now, like he, you know, we get out taquitos out of the fridge and 00:20:29.219 --> 00:20:33.815 he knows that I won't touch those because I got sick on that so many times. 00:20:33.848 --> 00:20:38.357 And it's a joke now. But I think he just, he didn't know what else to do 00:20:38.390 --> 00:20:43.186 other than to try to be positive because I'm sure being negative wasn't 00:20:43.219 --> 00:20:47.085 going to help. And I don't, honestly, he says there was really no win 00:20:47.118 --> 00:20:52.426 situation for me in that instance. Um, he gave me my space a lot because 00:20:52.459 --> 00:20:58.867 that's really just what I wanted. Um, he said it was terrifying to watch 00:20:58.900 --> 00:21:04.867 his, they actually let him in the, um, the or, uh, very early most of the 00:21:04.900 --> 00:21:08.607 time. They don't let dads in until right when they're going to get baby 00:21:08.640 --> 00:21:13.166 out. But they knew that I was a nurse and they knew that he, you know, is 00:21:13.199 --> 00:21:17.717 a very kind of level headed kind of guy. And so they let him in and he 00:21:17.750 --> 00:21:21.085 said the, the one thing that terrified him the most was just when they 00:21:21.118 --> 00:21:26.575 started cutting me open because he said, you know, you're conflicted, you 00:21:26.608 --> 00:21:31.647 want the baby out and you want your kid to be ok. But you also have your 00:21:31.680 --> 00:21:36.756 wife. And then when I made him leave to go with Lexi, uh he was like, I 00:21:36.789 --> 00:21:42.946 didn't wanna leave you but you know, you told me stay with her. And so I 00:21:42.979 --> 00:21:47.756 said that's absolutely what I wanted and I was not even with it enough 00:21:47.789 --> 00:21:53.617 anyways. And so the glimpse of lexi that my family got was her being 00:21:53.650 --> 00:21:58.226 rushed down to special care nursery. Um, so I think they paused for maybe 00:21:58.259 --> 00:22:01.916 one little picture but, you know, that's all they got to hear. They didn't 00:22:01.949 --> 00:22:04.656 know how everything went. They didn't know who I was, they didn't know how 00:22:04.689 --> 00:22:10.726 she was and it was all kind of whirlwind. Did you do? Uh And this is an 00:22:10.759 --> 00:22:15.686 impossible question. But did you ever feel like the person you were before 00:22:15.719 --> 00:22:22.795 you got pregnant again after that? Uh I don't think so. I don't think you 00:22:22.828 --> 00:22:28.916 can ever be that person. I think of myself before I was pregnant and a mom 00:22:28.949 --> 00:22:33.785 and I wish I could go back and tell that person you need to enjoy sleeping 00:22:33.818 --> 00:22:37.325 in, you need to enjoy going to the grocery store without two kids jumping 00:22:37.358 --> 00:22:43.196 up and down in the shopping cart and driving you nuts. But I think that's 00:22:43.229 --> 00:22:47.176 also a part of me that makes me happy to be a mom because like I've left 00:22:47.209 --> 00:22:55.209 that me behind. Uh but I think there's, I think I kind of wasted my time 00:22:55.269 --> 00:23:00.035 and it's weird. I have less time now, but I feel like I accomplish more 00:23:00.068 --> 00:23:04.815 because I don't have time to be lazy about anything and I don't have, 00:23:04.848 --> 00:23:11.956 there's no time to let anything go to waste. So I feel like my premo self 00:23:11.989 --> 00:23:17.805 was super lazy and did not get the most out of life. But I also have a 00:23:17.838 --> 00:23:23.956 four and a two year old now and things are easy. I mean, when you, I had 00:23:23.989 --> 00:23:29.367 my kids two years apart. Um So having a two year old and a newborn that 00:23:29.400 --> 00:23:34.186 was like an all time. Oh my gosh, I, I'm never going to have two seconds 00:23:34.219 --> 00:23:39.676 to myself, but that's obviously not true. And you know, so when I see moms 00:23:39.709 --> 00:23:43.666 who have kids who are really close together and they've just had their 00:23:43.699 --> 00:23:50.147 second, like I promise it'll get easier. Um Well, before we get into the 00:23:50.180 --> 00:23:55.276 second story, which I'm fascinated to know how that came about, I think I 00:23:55.309 --> 00:24:00.676 would have been like using every kind of break and I didn't get back. 00:24:00.709 --> 00:24:05.075 That's my mindset because I'm still doing what they want. But um but 00:24:05.108 --> 00:24:08.887 before then, since this first story, I think is different than the second 00:24:08.920 --> 00:24:11.276 story. 00:24:11.309 --> 00:24:15.575 Can you think of maybe a word or a phrasing of words? That kind of 00:24:15.608 --> 00:24:20.617 summarizes that experience for you. And no, it's another challenging 00:24:20.650 --> 00:24:24.926 question. But we're separating these stories into themes like connection 00:24:24.959 --> 00:24:29.406 and faith and different things like that that emerge. So this may sound 00:24:29.439 --> 00:24:37.026 really morbid but like hidden fear because I was afraid. And I didn't feel 00:24:37.059 --> 00:24:41.835 like I could tell people that I was afraid because I'm supposed to be the 00:24:41.868 --> 00:24:47.575 mom and I'm about to have a kid and I was scared constantly and I think my 00:24:47.608 --> 00:24:51.766 husband knew that. But again, he was like positive, positive, positive. We 00:24:51.799 --> 00:24:55.535 got to stay positive because you're being so negative right now. And 00:24:55.568 --> 00:25:00.946 fundamentally, the kind of person I am is a very positive person. And I 00:25:00.979 --> 00:25:05.976 think that was a side he had never ever seen before. The constant self 00:25:06.009 --> 00:25:10.516 doubt, you know, the constant I'm not, I'm failing at this. I'm not doing 00:25:10.549 --> 00:25:18.065 a good job. Um So I just was constantly hiding from my own fear. And I 00:25:18.098 --> 00:25:23.347 told my mom a lot and my mom was probably my greatest support. My husband 00:25:23.380 --> 00:25:29.897 was super positive. My mother in law was unrealistic and my mother was 00:25:29.930 --> 00:25:34.446 just like, this is hard. This is, and she would come over to my house 00:25:34.479 --> 00:25:38.315 almost every day while I was on the bed rest and we do puzzles in bed 00:25:38.348 --> 00:25:44.526 because I wasn't allowed to sit up. And uh she never made me feel like I 00:25:44.559 --> 00:25:52.416 wasn't allowed to be grumpy or complain or, you know, afraid so of all of 00:25:52.449 --> 00:25:58.107 the people, probably the only person who really saw how I felt was my mom. 00:25:58.140 --> 00:26:03.127 And I don't know that I would have ever guessed that because she had four 00:26:03.160 --> 00:26:08.456 kids. And I'm like, gosh, she's done this. She's gonna say the same thing 00:26:08.489 --> 00:26:13.347 as my mother-in-law. She's gonna say how easy it was and how you can do it. 00:26:13.380 --> 00:26:16.867 Um, but she didn't, she was like, this is really hard. It's the hardest 00:26:16.900 --> 00:26:21.406 thing you'll ever do in your life and you'll be stronger for it. And 00:26:21.439 --> 00:26:27.726 however you feel is ok. So that was really kind of my take away, you know 00:26:27.759 --> 00:26:31.717 , as far as like moving back to where my family was like, thank God for my 00:26:31.750 --> 00:26:35.166 mom. I don't know how else I would have gotten through it. That's a really 00:26:35.199 --> 00:26:41.166 nice message for your mom. Yes, I need to tell her that more often. 00:26:41.199 --> 00:26:44.967 Well, if she, if she hears the story, she'll get them to bring a tear to 00:26:45.000 --> 00:26:51.906 her eye. But, um, all right, let's get into the ok second baby. What were 00:26:51.939 --> 00:26:56.726 your thoughts? Were you getting the baby urge again? Yes. But I'm a 00:26:56.759 --> 00:27:01.815 planner and I think I just always had a vision of how my life was supposed 00:27:01.848 --> 00:27:09.848 to be. And um, my husband often describes me as like, I am really good at 00:27:09.969 --> 00:27:15.276 achieving my goals because the other sappy part of our romance story is 00:27:15.309 --> 00:27:18.335 that when I was nine years old, I went home and I said I'm gonna marry 00:27:18.368 --> 00:27:24.835 David Simon to my, my 16 year old sister and she's like, oh, gosh, Erica 00:27:24.868 --> 00:27:29.506 has got a school crush. So he often tells me I'm like a really, I, I put 00:27:29.539 --> 00:27:34.736 goal setting at a level that is just kind of neurotic. But in my mind I 00:27:34.769 --> 00:27:37.867 was always going to have two kids and I wanted them to be close together 00:27:37.900 --> 00:27:41.946 in age because I actually have a brother who's nine or 10 years older than 00:27:41.979 --> 00:27:48.785 me. And I don't feel like he's a brother. He's a kind of like a cool uncle. 00:27:48.818 --> 00:27:51.906 And so I always told David, it was like, if we have kids, we're going to 00:27:51.939 --> 00:27:56.206 have them close together. And I don't know what sort of craziness but 00:27:56.239 --> 00:28:01.055 probably baby craze of you've gone through this really hard thing and a 00:28:01.088 --> 00:28:06.535 year later you're thinking about doing this to yourself again. So I don't 00:28:06.568 --> 00:28:11.295 know where that came from. But I do remember our, one of our good friends 00:28:11.328 --> 00:28:17.016 who had had a baby the same time as LEXI on Halloween, they told us they 00:28:17.049 --> 00:28:22.335 were pregnant and I was like crazy idea. Let's get pregnant and you know, 00:28:22.368 --> 00:28:28.565 she was 13 months by then. And again, I was like, well, I'm, I'm 00:28:28.598 --> 00:28:35.805 breastfeeding so I won't be able to get pregnant for a while. Silly myth. 00:28:35.838 --> 00:28:41.956 A week later I was pregnant with Brandon. Um So again, I'm a really good 00:28:41.989 --> 00:28:47.545 goal setter. I was hoping it would take a year, six months, something like 00:28:47.578 --> 00:28:53.526 that. But, uh, Christmas Eve we, I was certain I was pregnant and so I 00:28:53.559 --> 00:28:57.406 took a, I took a pregnancy test on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. We 00:28:57.439 --> 00:29:00.766 were like, you know, yeah, I'm only four weeks probably. But we're just 00:29:00.799 --> 00:29:04.416 going to tell the family because we would tell our family whether 00:29:04.449 --> 00:29:08.785 something happened to the baby or not. So, that was our parents, Chris, 00:29:08.818 --> 00:29:14.406 one of their Christmas presents. I guess that would have been 2012 because 00:29:14.439 --> 00:29:22.439 Brandon was born in 2013. Uh So of course, then totally excited, moved to 00:29:22.630 --> 00:29:28.305 total fear again because I didn't want to be sick. Um And I did, I was 00:29:28.338 --> 00:29:32.476 still sick for 20 weeks like nauseous vomiting all of that stuff. But I 00:29:32.509 --> 00:29:38.426 think I knew that it was gonna get better this time. And so the fear was 00:29:38.459 --> 00:29:43.795 not as intense and I knew my tricks and my things and don't bring meat 00:29:43.828 --> 00:29:49.617 near me and don't cut, you know, onions near me and I need to sleep for 12 00:29:49.650 --> 00:29:56.575 hours. And so I had more things to help me get through that time and we 00:29:56.608 --> 00:30:00.085 found out the sex of our second because we were like, well, we got a 00:30:00.118 --> 00:30:04.996 surprise with the first and let's find out with the second. Um, and it did 00:30:05.029 --> 00:30:09.236 not take but two seconds to realize he was gonna be a boy. He was pretty 00:30:09.269 --> 00:30:17.269 showy. Uh So, uh but I don't know, like I, my pregnancies with my kids are 00:30:19.000 --> 00:30:26.666 a lot, like my kids are LEXI is very intense and very, uh, you know, kind 00:30:26.699 --> 00:30:32.637 of high maintenance but really full of life. My son is like, mellow chill 00:30:32.670 --> 00:30:38.367 , you know. So I couldn't have had two different experiences. Yeah, I was 00:30:38.400 --> 00:30:41.805 still really sick but I didn't feel stressed. We weren't moving, we 00:30:41.838 --> 00:30:47.367 weren't coming to a new place. I had people who were looking after us. Uh 00:30:47.400 --> 00:30:52.627 And I started to have some blood pressure issues but not nearly like what 00:30:52.660 --> 00:30:58.055 I had with LEXI and I never went on bed rest. I gained, you know, a normal 00:30:58.088 --> 00:31:04.916 amount of weight. I felt good. Uh And you know, it's just weird how, how 00:31:04.949 --> 00:31:10.127 different that was and maybe, maybe I didn't intensify as much of the 00:31:10.160 --> 00:31:13.295 stuff I was going through because I'd already been through it. So it's 00:31:13.328 --> 00:31:20.276 hard to say. Um So did you, were you, was it on automatic assumption that 00:31:20.309 --> 00:31:22.877 you were gonna have another C section? Can you talk about your thoughts 00:31:22.910 --> 00:31:28.026 about the birth? That was a big question mark. So 00:31:28.059 --> 00:31:31.936 I obviously knew that there are a lot been a lot of women who've had 00:31:31.969 --> 00:31:38.726 successful vaginal births after. Um I, again, in my mind, I was like, I 00:31:38.759 --> 00:31:43.835 just cannot see me pushing. I just in my mind, I don't see a situation 00:31:43.868 --> 00:31:49.166 where I'm gonna get an opportunity to do this the way I thought I was 00:31:49.199 --> 00:31:54.746 gonna do it. And I, again, I could not vision myself pushing and having a 00:31:54.779 --> 00:31:59.637 baby that way. And I don't know what it was and, you know, I would hope 00:31:59.670 --> 00:32:04.936 that that feeling never, like, swayed them to do one thing or another. But 00:32:04.969 --> 00:32:11.496 , um, everything with Brandon was really, really mellow up until the 00:32:11.529 --> 00:32:17.166 actual night he was going to be born. And really up until like the 20 00:32:17.199 --> 00:32:21.276 minutes before he was going to be born was really mellow. I actually went 00:32:21.309 --> 00:32:26.075 into late. So I hit 36 weeks. And after that, they pretty much tell you, 00:32:26.108 --> 00:32:30.956 well, baby can come any day, which is sometimes very cruel because think 00:32:30.989 --> 00:32:34.575 about the women who go 41 weeks and you're like, you told me five weeks 00:32:34.608 --> 00:32:40.565 ago that I was going to have a baby. Uh So 00:32:40.598 --> 00:32:46.357 I, at 36 weeks, I, they said, you know, to do whatever activity you want 00:32:46.390 --> 00:32:53.377 because like, you can basically have a safe, normal, healthy baby. And so 00:32:53.410 --> 00:32:59.986 at 37 weeks, we had, had a ton of rain, there were pine cones and sprouts 00:33:00.019 --> 00:33:03.377 all over the yard. So, you know, I was like, you know what I know doing a 00:33:03.410 --> 00:33:08.867 ton of squats gets you ready for labor. So I'm gonna go do yard work. And 00:33:08.900 --> 00:33:13.986 at 6 a.m. that morning, I started to have like, I didn't think it was 00:33:14.019 --> 00:33:18.996 contractions, but I found out later, obviously that I'd been in labor for 00:33:19.029 --> 00:33:23.956 15 hours and hadn't even known about it. So I was having like little 00:33:23.989 --> 00:33:29.717 tension but it wasn't, it was, it didn't feel like labor. And so I went 00:33:29.750 --> 00:33:35.226 over to my in-laws to have dinner that night and I had this contraction, 00:33:35.259 --> 00:33:39.736 that kind of took my breath away and I stopped and my mother-in-law looked 00:33:39.769 --> 00:33:43.545 at me and she's like, are you in labor? And I was like, I don't know, I've 00:33:43.578 --> 00:33:47.805 never been in labor so I don't know what it's supposed to feel like and it 00:33:47.838 --> 00:33:54.426 wasn't painful. So I, I just maybe and so then we started timing him. And 00:33:54.459 --> 00:33:59.305 by that time I had already had my first like tightening at 6 a.m. and that 00:33:59.338 --> 00:34:04.506 was 6 p.m. And so 12 hours later, I was like, I guess I've been in labor 00:34:04.539 --> 00:34:10.816 all day and I just didn't even know it. And so by 11 pm, my contractions 00:34:10.849 --> 00:34:18.195 were three minutes apart and David David and my father-in-law walk in the 00:34:18.228 --> 00:34:22.026 door. My father in law, he was like, I just timed that. That was less than 00:34:22.059 --> 00:34:26.896 five minutes. You need to get to the hospital. And so he was, I've never 00:34:26.929 --> 00:34:32.675 seen this man nervous in his whole life. He is calm and cool person and he 00:34:32.708 --> 00:34:36.606 was like, you got to get her in a car and you need to go to the hospital 00:34:36.639 --> 00:34:41.925 and it was just kind of hilarious. Um So 11 pm, we were there, we were in 00:34:41.958 --> 00:34:47.106 triage, they told us. Yeah, you're probably gonna have baby. And then my 00:34:47.139 --> 00:34:52.385 blood pressure spiked really high. Um, so 00:34:52.418 --> 00:34:55.967 they were basically said, here's all the drugs we're gonna throw at you. 00:34:56.000 --> 00:35:00.385 And, uh, one of the things I kind of skipped with LEXI is they had me on 00:35:00.418 --> 00:35:07.486 magnesium after I had her and anybody who has to ever be on that drug I 00:35:07.519 --> 00:35:10.695 think is probably the strongest person ever because it was the most 00:35:10.728 --> 00:35:15.256 horrible thing I've ever gotten through outside of the hemorrhaging after. 00:35:15.289 --> 00:35:20.456 But I just felt numb. I could not think I could not stand. They tried to 00:35:20.489 --> 00:35:25.606 stand me up at the bed and I couldn't do it. Um, so they said, well, we're 00:35:25.639 --> 00:35:30.166 gonna start magnesium on you. And I said, no, you're not. And I said, what 00:35:30.199 --> 00:35:34.695 are my other options? And they said, well, we can try magnesium and you 00:35:34.728 --> 00:35:38.307 can have a vaginal delivery, but likely you're gonna end up with the CC 00:35:38.340 --> 00:35:44.126 section or we can go and have ac section right now and no magnesium. And I 00:35:44.159 --> 00:35:49.066 said that's what I wanna do. Um, and so sometimes I feel like, again, I 00:35:49.099 --> 00:35:53.316 robbed myself of an experience, but I also had a lot of fear from that 00:35:53.349 --> 00:35:58.945 last time and I did not, I didn't want to go through that again. And three 00:35:58.978 --> 00:36:06.217 days following having Lexie, I felt completely cut off like I could not do 00:36:06.250 --> 00:36:11.307 anything like verbalize anything. I don't even really remember that time. 00:36:11.340 --> 00:36:16.916 Frame very much. So I, you know, the minute they threatened that drug and 00:36:16.949 --> 00:36:21.206 that's what it felt like was a threat. There's not a chance I'm not doing 00:36:21.239 --> 00:36:27.186 it. So Brandon was gonna be born C section and by then I was ok with it 00:36:27.219 --> 00:36:33.506 because, uh, I just, again, and I never pictured myself pushing for 00:36:33.539 --> 00:36:37.736 whatever reason. And when they got him out, they were like, it is such a 00:36:37.769 --> 00:36:42.537 good thing that we did not push because the cord was wrapped around him 00:36:42.570 --> 00:36:50.570 three times and my uterus was so thin that they were confident had I 00:36:51.010 --> 00:36:57.787 pushed that I would have abrupt. So I guess things happen for a reason. I 00:36:57.820 --> 00:37:04.586 don't know what to tell you that. It's interesting how closely tied you um 00:37:04.619 --> 00:37:07.635 thoughts and emotions and body is, you know what I mean? Like what your 00:37:07.668 --> 00:37:11.006 body needs, like signals to your brain, which signals to your, you know 00:37:11.039 --> 00:37:17.756 what I mean? It's amazing. I have tried to share what I went through so 00:37:17.789 --> 00:37:21.876 many times and that's probably why I feel like I know how I felt about it 00:37:21.909 --> 00:37:27.997 so solidly because it was so traumatic. And I guess that's absolutely like 00:37:28.030 --> 00:37:34.706 the word I would use is traumatic because I don't think anybody very well 00:37:34.739 --> 00:37:40.686 prepares you for those kinds of things. And I think most people assimilate 00:37:40.719 --> 00:37:45.967 having babies as like a normal part of existence and it's easy and 00:37:46.000 --> 00:37:50.967 everyone can do it. And for many people that is the case. But I think when 00:37:51.000 --> 00:37:55.526 you meet or talk to somebody who, that's not how it was for them. Uh They 00:37:55.559 --> 00:38:01.017 , they treat that event with a greater deal of respect. Like I have great 00:38:01.050 --> 00:38:04.537 respect for people who go in and like they, they have their babies, they 00:38:04.570 --> 00:38:09.885 have their babies at home and things are great for them because that's a 00:38:09.918 --> 00:38:14.557 little bit how I feel about nursing. Like that was never a problem for me. 00:38:14.590 --> 00:38:19.296 And, but I also acknowledge that I know it's one of the toughest things 00:38:19.329 --> 00:38:24.546 people have ever done and that just wasn't for me. But I, on the flip side 00:38:24.579 --> 00:38:30.557 , pregnancy was miserable. I was a horrible pregnant person. Uh, but, you 00:38:30.590 --> 00:38:35.307 know, so I guess that was my one blessing is that I had a horrible lead up 00:38:35.340 --> 00:38:40.635 and a wonderful finish. Your deliveries were like being in a car accident. 00:38:40.668 --> 00:38:47.727 Yeah. I mean, so I don't know that I would like, I'm not, now, I'm not 00:38:47.760 --> 00:38:52.287 traumatized by it, but probably was I traumatized by it immediately 00:38:52.320 --> 00:38:58.925 following. Absolutely. And I, in the 1st 3 to 6 months, I don't know that 00:38:58.958 --> 00:39:03.287 I really know how to be a mom. Um, it, you know, and looking back, I 00:39:03.320 --> 00:39:08.727 probably should have gotten help or done something. I would definitely say 00:39:08.760 --> 00:39:12.807 I had postpartum depression. I was never diagnosed. I never saw anybody 00:39:12.840 --> 00:39:20.840 but knowing who I am now and who I was three years ago. I was not ok. And 00:39:21.449 --> 00:39:25.186 you know, I guess you just pick up the pieces and you move on because 00:39:25.219 --> 00:39:28.747 you've got two kids who rely on you and you don't really get a choice. So 00:39:28.780 --> 00:39:34.856 , yeah, I mean, it is, it's like I say this a lot that my mother was 00:39:34.889 --> 00:39:38.135 saying, oh, it's like you're just surviving off love. And I was like, yeah 00:39:38.168 --> 00:39:42.296 , it's that, but it's also like, it's like this is your new job and you 00:39:42.329 --> 00:39:47.517 just do your right. And, you know, I think there's some people who, like I 00:39:47.550 --> 00:39:52.577 say, it's my full time job. Right. And I think some people don't like that 00:39:52.610 --> 00:39:57.595 because it elicits that it's undesired work or something like that. And 00:39:57.628 --> 00:40:01.816 I'm, I'm not saying it's not undesirable because obviously I get paid 00:40:01.849 --> 00:40:07.316 through my kids totally loving on me and I am the, you know, the center of 00:40:07.349 --> 00:40:14.115 their universe most of the time, but it's a job. II, I feel like full 00:40:14.148 --> 00:40:17.865 fledged wholeheartedly, feel that. And, you know, for anyone who doesn't 00:40:17.898 --> 00:40:21.086 describe it that way, that's great. I'm glad that they feel differently. 00:40:21.119 --> 00:40:25.615 But it's hard work for me. It did not come naturally to me being pregnant 00:40:25.648 --> 00:40:32.936 , being a mom and also the amount of opinions people have about what you 00:40:32.969 --> 00:40:39.925 should do. That is probably what played into like the first year. Always 00:40:39.958 --> 00:40:43.106 feeling down on myself. You know, you're not doing this right. You're not 00:40:43.139 --> 00:40:46.977 feeding them the right food. Why are you still nursing them. They're 13 00:40:47.010 --> 00:40:52.756 months. You know, so lots of opinions and judgments. And with my second, I 00:40:52.789 --> 00:40:56.577 basically was like, I don't care what your rules are, this is what works 00:40:56.610 --> 00:41:01.186 for us and I would not give it up. I mean, my two year old comes into our 00:41:01.219 --> 00:41:05.276 room every morning at four and snuggles with me until two. And I don't 00:41:05.309 --> 00:41:09.557 care what the books say, but I would, I couldn't, I couldn't have said 00:41:09.590 --> 00:41:14.365 that with my first because, you know, I was told, oh, you have to put them 00:41:14.398 --> 00:41:19.376 in their crib and you have to let them cry and you lots of rules and I 00:41:19.409 --> 00:41:24.646 didn't like that, but I also didn't know how to say I didn't like it. So, 00:41:24.679 --> 00:41:30.345 yeah, totally. Um, one of the things my mom always says too, she goes, mom 00:41:30.378 --> 00:41:35.385 , mom is spelled guilt. 00:41:35.418 --> 00:41:39.736 It's like there's so much, yeah, like you're not just making decisions 00:41:39.769 --> 00:41:43.606 about your own life now you're making decisions right? For someone else. 00:41:43.639 --> 00:41:49.456 Um, I think though, like, it's funny you go to a playground and my kid's 00:41:49.489 --> 00:41:53.227 wearing a helmet and another kid's not. And that mom instantly comes over 00:41:53.260 --> 00:41:56.467 and it's like, I didn't know you were putting your kids in helmets at this 00:41:56.500 --> 00:42:01.405 stage, like, how bad can they possibly wrap them? Like, I only put my kids 00:42:01.438 --> 00:42:04.845 in helmets because I saw another mom put their kids in helmets. And so 00:42:04.878 --> 00:42:09.247 then I felt like the bad mom and you know, it's funny how we put each 00:42:09.280 --> 00:42:14.577 other through so much and we haven't even talked about it. And so I have 00:42:14.610 --> 00:42:18.717 really tried to become so laid back on some things. I am very type a in a 00:42:18.750 --> 00:42:23.717 lot of my life. But when it comes to being a mom, that is actually one of 00:42:23.750 --> 00:42:28.526 the areas where I, I don't, I'm like, they wanna run around and be crazy 00:42:28.559 --> 00:42:31.986 and yell and scream and then they wanna play monster game. Let, let's do 00:42:32.019 --> 00:42:36.195 that. I wish I could go back to that where I didn't have to like, sit in 00:42:36.228 --> 00:42:41.046 my chair for 20 minutes and eat five peas and do this and like, constantly 00:42:41.079 --> 00:42:46.896 count and keep track and, you know, as long as they're healthy and happy, 00:42:46.929 --> 00:42:51.135 that's really all I care about. And I went through the first year of 00:42:51.168 --> 00:42:54.876 motherhood with a really close friend and we constantly had these 00:42:54.909 --> 00:42:57.997 conversations, you're feeding them that I didn't, I wasn't going to feed 00:42:58.030 --> 00:43:01.586 them that because this book told me that at 12 months they're only 00:43:01.619 --> 00:43:06.287 supposed to be having this. And I'm like, yeah, but, you know, I just 00:43:06.320 --> 00:43:10.717 decided to throw that role at the window because, and so I think if I 00:43:10.750 --> 00:43:16.046 hadn't had her, I would have had way more guilt than I already did. But, 00:43:16.079 --> 00:43:20.506 you know, we would basically be each other's testing the waters of, hey, 00:43:20.539 --> 00:43:24.166 what are you doing now? Oh, I'm doing this. Ok. But that works for you. 00:43:24.199 --> 00:43:31.155 But this works for us and that was really helpful. Um, my sister is six 00:43:31.188 --> 00:43:35.095 years older than me. So we didn't have kids really. At the same time until 00:43:35.128 --> 00:43:41.206 I had my second. She actually had her third and, um, same thing. She does 00:43:41.239 --> 00:43:45.166 completely different things with her kids and, you know, touts that they 00:43:45.199 --> 00:43:49.436 all eat this at this time and, and I'm like, I just, I can't do that. Like 00:43:49.469 --> 00:43:55.467 , uh I'm, I'm done putting that much pressure on myself. I already put 00:43:55.500 --> 00:44:00.175 enough pressure to last a lifetime on myself just in the pregnancy of my 00:44:00.208 --> 00:44:02.717 first. 00:44:02.750 --> 00:44:06.376 That's really good. Yeah, actually it's even a good ending statement. 00:44:06.409 --> 00:44:10.256 There. Is there anything else that you didn't mention that you wanna 00:44:10.289 --> 00:44:16.747 mention? Oh, gosh, I'm sure there is. But uh 00:44:16.780 --> 00:44:20.345 I don't know, there's, 00:44:20.378 --> 00:44:24.456 I just was, you know, so scared the whole time. And so I don't think, I 00:44:24.489 --> 00:44:29.217 know, I don't even know that I remember things as accurate as they are. Um 00:44:29.250 --> 00:44:33.316 I had more respect for my husband during that time than I will ever have 00:44:33.349 --> 00:44:37.336 in my entire life because he basically nursed me back to health and I'm 00:44:37.369 --> 00:44:41.477 the nurse, I'm the one who's supposed to do that. Um One of the things 00:44:41.510 --> 00:44:49.510 that shocks my coworkers is the, we actually, I had a time period where my 00:44:49.619 --> 00:44:54.876 abdomen was open for six weeks and he actually did my dressing changes for 00:44:54.909 --> 00:44:58.856 six weeks. They just had a nurse come and teach him once and he did it the 00:44:58.889 --> 00:45:05.037 rest of the time. And so our relationship has surpassed a level I ever 00:45:05.070 --> 00:45:10.186 thought existed. Um, so that's the only thing is like, I think it's 00:45:10.219 --> 00:45:14.267 unfortunate that David's story is not captured here because I'm sure he 00:45:14.300 --> 00:45:20.865 has a totally different take on it. But, uh he stayed the course and I was 00:45:20.898 --> 00:45:25.706 crazy for the last four years. So, was that when you had the, um, 00:45:25.739 --> 00:45:30.756 hemorrhage? Yeah. Yeah. They had to keep me open until it healed because 00:45:30.789 --> 00:45:35.396 it was just, there was so much bleeding and it was really weird. So, 00:45:35.429 --> 00:45:39.655 opening you up, alleviated about pressure then pressure. And they actually 00:45:39.688 --> 00:45:45.115 had, I had a ton of blood that they had to get out of me. So, it was not 00:45:45.148 --> 00:45:49.876 very pretty. Was he changing the dresses in the hospital? No, he, we did 00:45:49.909 --> 00:45:55.816 it at home. Yeah. And we, we took Lexi and her very first camping trip at 00:45:55.849 --> 00:46:01.896 five weeks and he set up his little sterile field on our camping trip and 00:46:01.929 --> 00:46:07.537 did it all there. And then, and it was just like, nothing was even wrong, 00:46:07.570 --> 00:46:11.006 which was kind of nice instead of having a nurse coming every day and make 00:46:11.039 --> 00:46:16.057 you feel like you're still not well and you need help or you need to go to 00:46:16.090 --> 00:46:19.445 the hospital or something. And so he just was like, I don't see any 00:46:19.478 --> 00:46:23.175 purpose in anybody coming. Let's just do it here and we'll go in if we 00:46:23.208 --> 00:46:28.695 need help. How was your C section scar and all that? He, the first one was 00:46:28.728 --> 00:46:33.856 really bad. It was quite thick and jagged and all of this stuff. But again 00:46:33.889 --> 00:46:38.686 , the blessing of having the second is they actually brought in a plastic 00:46:38.719 --> 00:46:44.706 surgeon the second time around and completely changed the scar and you 00:46:44.739 --> 00:46:50.247 would never know that I had this horrible, like misshapen C section from 00:46:50.280 --> 00:46:55.037 my first. So kudos to whoever decided that one did you have a scar from 00:46:55.070 --> 00:46:59.787 the hem that opened up for the hemorrhage? Yeah. It was really like wide 00:46:59.820 --> 00:47:06.626 and I, after that c section I couldn't feel my stomach for probably 4 to 6 00:47:06.659 --> 00:47:11.115 months. It was just like tingly. Um, so whatever they did the second time 00:47:11.148 --> 00:47:17.256 around, fixed all that and also, um, they just cut out the scar tissue 00:47:17.289 --> 00:47:23.945 from the first time. So, I don't know, I guess I, it kind of a unknown 00:47:23.978 --> 00:47:26.477 benefit. 00:47:26.510 --> 00:47:34.510 Yeah, that's an amazing story. That was great. Um Yeah, I mean, you just 00:47:34.539 --> 00:47:39.155 don't realize what you're capable of enduring. Yeah. Yeah. You know how 00:47:39.188 --> 00:47:44.577 strong you are. At least I, yeah, that's amazing. Well, and I've heard 00:47:44.610 --> 00:47:48.736 Katherine's story before too and I think that's one of the reasons we've 00:47:48.769 --> 00:47:54.385 become such good friends is we both had really kind of traumatic laborers 00:47:54.418 --> 00:48:00.936 and births and pregnancies. And so I think on some level we felt 00:48:00.969 --> 00:48:06.327 comfortable like talking about that and not feeling like, oh, you had this 00:48:06.360 --> 00:48:12.467 happy, wonderful, you know, pregnancy, that's textbook and should be on 00:48:12.500 --> 00:48:17.445 the cover of a magazine. But I don't know, I'm sure that is exactly why 00:48:17.478 --> 00:48:21.276 she wrote to me into doing this, but that's how Catherine and I thought it 00:48:21.309 --> 00:48:25.057 , mine was really traumatic. So, but, um, it's because you're really 00:48:25.090 --> 00:48:32.236 sharing, it's birth is intimate in terms of your per, like, personal 00:48:32.269 --> 00:48:36.186 experience that's emotionally intimate. But then also it's physically, 00:48:36.219 --> 00:48:41.166 you're talking about very private things, right? You know, and um so it's 00:48:41.199 --> 00:48:45.195 a, it is a really deep way to bond with someone. And I did notice, like my 00:48:45.228 --> 00:48:52.046 friend who I told you, we, we raised our first for the first year. Um She 00:48:52.079 --> 00:48:56.706 didn't talk as much about like the details and I feel like because I'm a 00:48:56.739 --> 00:49:02.727 nurse, I probably feel more comfortable with that. And uh I do know that 00:49:02.760 --> 00:49:07.126 with her second time around, she was sharing more things with me, which, 00:49:07.159 --> 00:49:09.445 you know, I was like, I don't know if that's just because she's more 00:49:09.478 --> 00:49:15.467 comfortable with me now. But, um, you know, she, she had a really easy 00:49:15.500 --> 00:49:19.166 first pregnancy and so she's like, I didn't want to tell you about it 00:49:19.199 --> 00:49:23.577 because I didn't want to make you feel bad. And so it was interesting that 00:49:23.610 --> 00:49:26.276 even though she had a good experience, she didn't feel like she could even 00:49:26.309 --> 00:49:31.135 talk about it because she didn't wanna, you know, thwart the experience 00:49:31.168 --> 00:49:36.827 that I had gone through. It's very sweet. Yeah. All right. I think we're 00:49:36.860 --> 00:49:41.829 good. Ashley. Anything else you wanna add? Ok, I'm gonna turn off.