All right, this is Forest Solis interviewing Erica Simon on May 27th,
2016 at 1245 for the Creative First project. OK. So if you can um take us
back to the conception, but could you also maybe revisit your, I'm
assuming this is the father of your child. So, set up your relationship
too because
so I've known David since I was nine. And um I think sometimes we hold
back how we met and how long we've been together because I think there's a
lot of skeptics these days that high school sweethearts actually make it.
But we've been together for 15 years and married for almost 10. And uh we
always knew we were gonna have kids just, we didn't really ever say when
and how many and do you want boys or girls or what that was all about? But
, uh we had been married four years and I think around the time I turned
26 I said, you know, uh I feel like we need to have kids soon. So, uh we
actually definitely planned to get pregnant. Yeah,
it's really loud ticking.
Ok. Fine. So we absolutely planned to have kids and I think more. So now I
hear a lot of my friends say, oh, it took me a year to get pregnant. And
so that was the timeline we were operating off of and a month later we
were pregnant with my daughter Lexi. Um So we were very fortunate on that
piece of things, but at the time we were living in Minnesota and we really
, really wanted to be close to family when we had our kids. So we made all
of the plans and orchestration to get back here. Um But I didn't ever
expect for it to be as quickly as it happened. We literally found out we
were pregnant with Lexi in January of 2011 and our house was on the market
and sold by March. We had new jobs by May and had moved by June and it was
a lot to go through when you're pregnant. Uh I had a lot of morning
sickness and never really felt good for the 1st 20 weeks. Uh We lived with
family off and on and looking back at it, you know, we went from basically
sea level all the way up to Flagstaff to elevation and that's kind of when
things got bad. So I got really, really sick at about 27 weeks pregnant
and went on bed rest for uh six weeks, strict bed rest like you have to
lay flat, kind of bed rest, you cannot move you cannot get up. And most of
it was because of blood pressure. So they couldn't get my blood pressure
down at all. Um, I was sitting like 100 and 70/100 constantly. And, uh,
when I was about 31 weeks, I went into preterm labor and then they were
able to stave that off for two more weeks and I had LEXI uh at 33.5 weeks.
So she was a premature baby and that was really quite stressful. But, uh
, during my pregnancy, like I said, I was really sick, um I didn't gain a
ton of actual like physical weight, but towards the end, um, I probably
gained £40 in fluid just really very sick with the high blood pressure and
whatnot. Can you elaborate on what you mean by sick? So, I had nausea,
vomiting. Um, I guess the technical term is hyperemesis, gravid arm where
you can't stop throwing up. And so I had that and then I probably, I think
I remember vividly at six months I had only gained, I don't know, I lost
£11. Um, and so they were super concerned and I was like, well, I can't
eat anything. And unfortunately, a lot of the recommendations you get are
well, here, take this pill and it will stop your, um, it'll stop your
nausea. But unfortunately, it's side effect is then it makes you
constipated. So I didn't really have good choices so I preferred to be
nauseous. Um, but so like I said, I don't really actually know how much
baby weight I gained. Um, maybe, probably just the normal 15 to £20. But
then really what I gained towards the end was a bunch of water weight from
really poor blood pressure. And so I had what they call preeclampsia where
the blood pressure is really high and they worry about you going to liver
and kidney failure. Um So that, that's, I guess what I mean by really sick
, how did they stave off the uh premature labor? Uh So they actually tried
magnesium and that actually helps bring the blood pressure down. It's not
, it's not something they would use, they primarily use it on pregnant
people. Um But yeah, so we, we tried that and that actually got my
contractions to stop. Um But then two weeks later, they actually opted to
put me into labor because uh they were seeing lots of signs that baby was
struggling and that I had really high blood pressure. And so they, they
just opted to induce her. Did you know the sex? No, it was a complete
surprise. So we uh painted the nursery green and that drove my mother and
mother-in-law crazy because everybody, I feel like everybody finds out
these days, but we just decided we're gonna pick two names and there's not
very many surprises in life anymore. So we're just gonna wait and it's
funny mo I feel like a lot of people have baby showers at like when
they're really pregnant. My daughter actually got to be at her baby shower
because she came so early. Uh So inadvertently we ended up with tons of
pink because they already knew what she was. So, um how did you feel about
the birth? I mean, were you
the anticipation of him having a baby? What were the emotional feelings?
So I was terrified only because I felt like I had been so sick. I can't
imagine how I'm going to have a baby when I feel so miserable.
And I think when I think about it and I've talked about this story tons of
times with Catherine, but I never could picture in my mind actually
pushing and actually having a baby and I actually had c sections with both
of my kids. And I just never felt like that was going to be something that
was going to be easy for me. And so I was really scared about that. And I
remember asking my mom and my sister and my mother in law and my husband
just kept saying you can do this, you can do this, you've got it. And I'm
like, ok, you're not the one who has a human being growing inside of you.
But uh I just never saw myself having that and I just couldn't vision it.
And so one, it made me scared and two, I just didn't think it was real.
Um, but on the opposite side, I never worried about nursing either of my
kids. I knew that I was going to be able to do that and I knew that was
going to be easy. And so I didn't have any fear about that, but actually
the, the time around having the babies I had, I really could not picture
what it was gonna be like. And I feel like even when you talk to people
and they give you a good idea of what that's gonna feel like or be like, I
just, I didn't relate to any of it at all. So, so they induced you because
of the baby's health, right? What was the process of that? And after that
, so I got hospitalized early that morning with high blood pressure and
they wanted to monitor baby. And so we did all that and then as the day go
went on, I had, I had actually been hospitalized three times before for
them to monitor her and watch my blood pressure. But by the third time
they're like, you know, I don't think we can keep doing this anymore. So
early that morning we were admitted and I told my husband you should go
home and get our bag. I think we're going to have a baby today and he's
like, you're only 33 weeks, it's, you know, that's way too early. And I'm
like, well, I just feel like we've, we've kind of used up all of our get
out of hospital free cards. We, we've been here so many times and they've
watched us so many days that I just feel like they're going to make that
decision. And then I, I remember they sent a nursery nurse to come up and
talk to me. And that's when I kind of felt like the, they had decided that
I was gonna have the baby and I wasn't really there yet. Um, and they told
me that when you have babies at 3334 weeks that they don't, they're not
able to do all of the things that they need to do. So they prepped me for
the worst picture and they prepped me for the best picture. And of course
, I started crying because I'm a nurse and they told me she would need a
breathing tube and a feeding tube and stay in the hospital potentially for
up to two months. And so I, I knew what was gonna be happening, but I just
didn't know what decisions they had started making. And so at seven that
night they gave me and I don't know, I think it was Pitocin. I don't even
remember what medications, but they gave me, um, a medication to induce
labor. And they said that that would take 12 hours and then the next day I
would be able to start pushing and, and have baby, uh, and two hours into
it. About 5 to 7 people rushed into my room and started putting a surgical
cap on me. They handed scrubs to my husband and they said we're taking you
to have the baby right now. Um So what they had seen on the monitor was
that the baby was having signs that she wasn't getting enough oxygen. So
they opted to just go for it. And I think I found out at 913 that they
were gonna do this and I had baby by 930. So I didn't ever really
experience any of that. I remember being halfway out of it when they, they
, they do like a spinal medication. Um, and I don't even remember talking
to my husband saying anything. I don't remember really much. Um, I
remember asking a lot over and over is the baby a boy or a girl. And they
kept saying she's not out yet or he's not out yet. Baby's not out yet. And
it wasn't until my husband walked over and he said it's a girl. So it was
really strange because, you know, I guess people talk about how long they
were in labor and all these things. I never really felt a real true labor
contraction. I had never pushed and I had never done the typical uh birth
things, although I guess c sections are pretty typical now, I just don't
think most people get to experience them in such a drastic measure. So, um
,
so did they pull your baby out and show her to you or did they rush her
away? Well, yes and no. So they pulled her out and they showed her to me
over the drape and next thing I know they've got her over on the side of
the room and I do remember saying to my husband stay with her. And so he
went with her and they rushed her down to the special care nursery. And so
at that point, I had what's up, she tiny, she was £5
which considering we were really happy about, um, she was £5 and they said
she just wasn't breathing very well. So they brought her down to special
care nursery. They did oxygen. My husband took tons of pictures of her
because he's like, it was really weird. They had her head trapped in this
oxygen tank and it was very strange, but about hour down there, she was
starting to drop her blood sugar. And thankfully, the, the nursery nurse
who was working that day, she prefers to solve that by bringing baby to
mom instead of just feeding them sugar. And so she brought her up to me. I
was completely out of it. So they held baby on me while she nursed and she
was a champ. She was so good at it. Like we have lots and lots of pictures.
Remembering her like latching for the first time was not hard. At all. So
it was really good. You must have, I mean, if I try to put myself in your
shoes, I think throughout that whole pregnancy part and to the birth part
, I'd be like kind of pissed that, you know, everyone's having this
magical experience of being pregnant and having this birth and
anticipation and you were like robbed of that and then had all these
complications. Um So what was, what was your emotional state then? And
then also to the point where you have this baby and you get to now bond
and were you able to bond or? So my blood pressure didn't get fixed by
having her. And that was what their hope was is that by having her. And
actually the day later after I had had her, my labor nurse came up to see
me and um she said I just held your hands and I don't remember that. And I
remember saying, don't seize and she just kept saying that over and over
in her head because my blood pressure was so high. Um So bonding was a
challenge because I, I felt horrible. The whole first week I had her, I
still had really high blood pressure. It did not make me feel better. So
that I felt really robbed of because they basically sold this whole we'll
do this emergency c section and you'll feel better instantly. Your problem
is that you're pregnant and that wasn't the case. And so I actually went
into the, er, a week later and was hemorrhaging. Um, and they, like,
opened me up in the middle of the, er, um, to stop some of the bleeding
and it was the most, probably of everything that I went to, probably the
most painful thing I've gone through of all of it. And, uh, so I, to, to
say I bonded with my child in the first week. I know I basically felt like
a food source for the first week. And after, after that, I mean, it got
progressively better. But you know, I have two kids and I will tell you
bonding with my first child versus my second is night and day because I
didn't have quite a dramatic experience as was my second. But um I really
hated hearing people say I love feeling pregnant like that for me was the
biggest dagger in the heart. I just didn't even want to talk to those
people. My mother in law was adamant that she felt really great through
pregnancy. She never felt the baby kick and she was never nauseated. And
so I kept hearing these never, never nevers and it made me really just
resent her for a time period. And I can say that now because it's four
years later and I don't feel that way anymore. But uh I just didn't want
to talk to her. She was not a comforting source for me. Uh And it made me
feel like what I was going through was not real and that I couldn't have
possibly felt the way I felt because she didn't feel that way. Sorry. Um
But I think now I've talked to lots of people who everybody's story is so
different that it makes me feel like it doesn't matter anymore. And so I
have my story and you have your story and they are not all created equal.
And yes, do I wish that I had no problems and felt great and all of that.
But at the time, you know, practically from the time my daughter was born
to two years, I was pretty much mad at, at how all of it happened because
I felt robbed and I felt like a failure. I felt like I did not give birth
to my child the way I'm supposed to. And, you know, does that make me less
of a mom or not as tough? Because, you know, you talk to people who are
like, oh, I pushed and labored for 36 hours. I'm like, well, I basically
had my daughter in 17 minutes and I didn't really do anything. So that,
that was hard. Um But four years later, I don't really even care because
I've got this beautiful little four year old girl and a two year old now.
And, but I don't, I don't know if this interview would be the same, you
know, three years ago because I probably would have had a lot more and
they still obviously harbor some resentment towards the comments I heard.
But uh, I don't know, I just,
I it's hard to put myself back in the spot I was in when she was born
because I don't really wanna go back there at all. So when you were
hemorrhaging, it was internal from where they, so they actually said it
was on top of my muscle but underneath my skin and, uh, just because of
the high blood pressure. So when you have high blood pressure and you're
supposed to be healing, you just, it's like the dam comes loose again. And
so here I was in the, er, with a seven day old at home, I did not want my
seven day old in an, er, and so the first time David ever had to stay home
with her was when she was seven days old and I would pump and my dad would
go bring it to David and we just had this horrible cycle. Um, and I
probably tell people to a fault how hard that first year is and maybe it
was especially hard for me. So maybe that's not fair for me to tell that
to people. But I think of like the things I heard from my mother-in-law,
how everything was easy and having kids is easy and everything is easy and
I just didn't want anybody to feel like when it is hard that you only have
someone telling you how easy it is. Right. But then it's your fault and
yes. Yeah.
So, what was your husband? Can you? I mean, it's hard to imagine what
someone else is feeling but it must have been hard for him to see you
going through so much pain and suffering that you were, I think because
he's a product of his mom. He tried to just stay positive. Um, and we joke
about it now, like he, you know, we get out taquitos out of the fridge and
he knows that I won't touch those because I got sick on that so many times.
And it's a joke now. But I think he just, he didn't know what else to do
other than to try to be positive because I'm sure being negative wasn't
going to help. And I don't, honestly, he says there was really no win
situation for me in that instance. Um, he gave me my space a lot because
that's really just what I wanted. Um, he said it was terrifying to watch
his, they actually let him in the, um, the or, uh, very early most of the
time. They don't let dads in until right when they're going to get baby
out. But they knew that I was a nurse and they knew that he, you know, is
a very kind of level headed kind of guy. And so they let him in and he
said the, the one thing that terrified him the most was just when they
started cutting me open because he said, you know, you're conflicted, you
want the baby out and you want your kid to be ok. But you also have your
wife. And then when I made him leave to go with Lexi, uh he was like, I
didn't wanna leave you but you know, you told me stay with her. And so I
said that's absolutely what I wanted and I was not even with it enough
anyways. And so the glimpse of lexi that my family got was her being
rushed down to special care nursery. Um, so I think they paused for maybe
one little picture but, you know, that's all they got to hear. They didn't
know how everything went. They didn't know who I was, they didn't know how
she was and it was all kind of whirlwind. Did you do? Uh And this is an
impossible question. But did you ever feel like the person you were before
you got pregnant again after that? Uh I don't think so. I don't think you
can ever be that person. I think of myself before I was pregnant and a mom
and I wish I could go back and tell that person you need to enjoy sleeping
in, you need to enjoy going to the grocery store without two kids jumping
up and down in the shopping cart and driving you nuts. But I think that's
also a part of me that makes me happy to be a mom because like I've left
that me behind. Uh but I think there's, I think I kind of wasted my time
and it's weird. I have less time now, but I feel like I accomplish more
because I don't have time to be lazy about anything and I don't have,
there's no time to let anything go to waste. So I feel like my premo self
was super lazy and did not get the most out of life. But I also have a
four and a two year old now and things are easy. I mean, when you, I had
my kids two years apart. Um So having a two year old and a newborn that
was like an all time. Oh my gosh, I, I'm never going to have two seconds
to myself, but that's obviously not true. And you know, so when I see moms
who have kids who are really close together and they've just had their
second, like I promise it'll get easier. Um Well, before we get into the
second story, which I'm fascinated to know how that came about, I think I
would have been like using every kind of break and I didn't get back.
That's my mindset because I'm still doing what they want. But um but
before then, since this first story, I think is different than the second
story.
Can you think of maybe a word or a phrasing of words? That kind of
summarizes that experience for you. And no, it's another challenging
question. But we're separating these stories into themes like connection
and faith and different things like that that emerge. So this may sound
really morbid but like hidden fear because I was afraid. And I didn't feel
like I could tell people that I was afraid because I'm supposed to be the
mom and I'm about to have a kid and I was scared constantly and I think my
husband knew that. But again, he was like positive, positive, positive. We
got to stay positive because you're being so negative right now. And
fundamentally, the kind of person I am is a very positive person. And I
think that was a side he had never ever seen before. The constant self
doubt, you know, the constant I'm not, I'm failing at this. I'm not doing
a good job. Um So I just was constantly hiding from my own fear. And I
told my mom a lot and my mom was probably my greatest support. My husband
was super positive. My mother in law was unrealistic and my mother was
just like, this is hard. This is, and she would come over to my house
almost every day while I was on the bed rest and we do puzzles in bed
because I wasn't allowed to sit up. And uh she never made me feel like I
wasn't allowed to be grumpy or complain or, you know, afraid so of all of
the people, probably the only person who really saw how I felt was my mom.
And I don't know that I would have ever guessed that because she had four
kids. And I'm like, gosh, she's done this. She's gonna say the same thing
as my mother-in-law. She's gonna say how easy it was and how you can do it.
Um, but she didn't, she was like, this is really hard. It's the hardest
thing you'll ever do in your life and you'll be stronger for it. And
however you feel is ok. So that was really kind of my take away, you know
, as far as like moving back to where my family was like, thank God for my
mom. I don't know how else I would have gotten through it. That's a really
nice message for your mom. Yes, I need to tell her that more often.
Well, if she, if she hears the story, she'll get them to bring a tear to
her eye. But, um, all right, let's get into the ok second baby. What were
your thoughts? Were you getting the baby urge again? Yes. But I'm a
planner and I think I just always had a vision of how my life was supposed
to be. And um, my husband often describes me as like, I am really good at
achieving my goals because the other sappy part of our romance story is
that when I was nine years old, I went home and I said I'm gonna marry
David Simon to my, my 16 year old sister and she's like, oh, gosh, Erica
has got a school crush. So he often tells me I'm like a really, I, I put
goal setting at a level that is just kind of neurotic. But in my mind I
was always going to have two kids and I wanted them to be close together
in age because I actually have a brother who's nine or 10 years older than
me. And I don't feel like he's a brother. He's a kind of like a cool uncle.
And so I always told David, it was like, if we have kids, we're going to
have them close together. And I don't know what sort of craziness but
probably baby craze of you've gone through this really hard thing and a
year later you're thinking about doing this to yourself again. So I don't
know where that came from. But I do remember our, one of our good friends
who had had a baby the same time as LEXI on Halloween, they told us they
were pregnant and I was like crazy idea. Let's get pregnant and you know,
she was 13 months by then. And again, I was like, well, I'm, I'm
breastfeeding so I won't be able to get pregnant for a while. Silly myth.
A week later I was pregnant with Brandon. Um So again, I'm a really good
goal setter. I was hoping it would take a year, six months, something like
that. But, uh, Christmas Eve we, I was certain I was pregnant and so I
took a, I took a pregnancy test on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. We
were like, you know, yeah, I'm only four weeks probably. But we're just
going to tell the family because we would tell our family whether
something happened to the baby or not. So, that was our parents, Chris,
one of their Christmas presents. I guess that would have been 2012 because
Brandon was born in 2013. Uh So of course, then totally excited, moved to
total fear again because I didn't want to be sick. Um And I did, I was
still sick for 20 weeks like nauseous vomiting all of that stuff. But I
think I knew that it was gonna get better this time. And so the fear was
not as intense and I knew my tricks and my things and don't bring meat
near me and don't cut, you know, onions near me and I need to sleep for 12
hours. And so I had more things to help me get through that time and we
found out the sex of our second because we were like, well, we got a
surprise with the first and let's find out with the second. Um, and it did
not take but two seconds to realize he was gonna be a boy. He was pretty
showy. Uh So, uh but I don't know, like I, my pregnancies with my kids are
a lot, like my kids are LEXI is very intense and very, uh, you know, kind
of high maintenance but really full of life. My son is like, mellow chill
, you know. So I couldn't have had two different experiences. Yeah, I was
still really sick but I didn't feel stressed. We weren't moving, we
weren't coming to a new place. I had people who were looking after us. Uh
And I started to have some blood pressure issues but not nearly like what
I had with LEXI and I never went on bed rest. I gained, you know, a normal
amount of weight. I felt good. Uh And you know, it's just weird how, how
different that was and maybe, maybe I didn't intensify as much of the
stuff I was going through because I'd already been through it. So it's
hard to say. Um So did you, were you, was it on automatic assumption that
you were gonna have another C section? Can you talk about your thoughts
about the birth? That was a big question mark. So
I obviously knew that there are a lot been a lot of women who've had
successful vaginal births after. Um I, again, in my mind, I was like, I
just cannot see me pushing. I just in my mind, I don't see a situation
where I'm gonna get an opportunity to do this the way I thought I was
gonna do it. And I, again, I could not vision myself pushing and having a
baby that way. And I don't know what it was and, you know, I would hope
that that feeling never, like, swayed them to do one thing or another. But
, um, everything with Brandon was really, really mellow up until the
actual night he was going to be born. And really up until like the 20
minutes before he was going to be born was really mellow. I actually went
into late. So I hit 36 weeks. And after that, they pretty much tell you,
well, baby can come any day, which is sometimes very cruel because think
about the women who go 41 weeks and you're like, you told me five weeks
ago that I was going to have a baby. Uh So
I, at 36 weeks, I, they said, you know, to do whatever activity you want
because like, you can basically have a safe, normal, healthy baby. And so
at 37 weeks, we had, had a ton of rain, there were pine cones and sprouts
all over the yard. So, you know, I was like, you know what I know doing a
ton of squats gets you ready for labor. So I'm gonna go do yard work. And
at 6 a.m. that morning, I started to have like, I didn't think it was
contractions, but I found out later, obviously that I'd been in labor for
15 hours and hadn't even known about it. So I was having like little
tension but it wasn't, it was, it didn't feel like labor. And so I went
over to my in-laws to have dinner that night and I had this contraction,
that kind of took my breath away and I stopped and my mother-in-law looked
at me and she's like, are you in labor? And I was like, I don't know, I've
never been in labor so I don't know what it's supposed to feel like and it
wasn't painful. So I, I just maybe and so then we started timing him. And
by that time I had already had my first like tightening at 6 a.m. and that
was 6 p.m. And so 12 hours later, I was like, I guess I've been in labor
all day and I just didn't even know it. And so by 11 pm, my contractions
were three minutes apart and David David and my father-in-law walk in the
door. My father in law, he was like, I just timed that. That was less than
five minutes. You need to get to the hospital. And so he was, I've never
seen this man nervous in his whole life. He is calm and cool person and he
was like, you got to get her in a car and you need to go to the hospital
and it was just kind of hilarious. Um So 11 pm, we were there, we were in
triage, they told us. Yeah, you're probably gonna have baby. And then my
blood pressure spiked really high. Um, so
they were basically said, here's all the drugs we're gonna throw at you.
And, uh, one of the things I kind of skipped with LEXI is they had me on
magnesium after I had her and anybody who has to ever be on that drug I
think is probably the strongest person ever because it was the most
horrible thing I've ever gotten through outside of the hemorrhaging after.
But I just felt numb. I could not think I could not stand. They tried to
stand me up at the bed and I couldn't do it. Um, so they said, well, we're
gonna start magnesium on you. And I said, no, you're not. And I said, what
are my other options? And they said, well, we can try magnesium and you
can have a vaginal delivery, but likely you're gonna end up with the CC
section or we can go and have ac section right now and no magnesium. And I
said that's what I wanna do. Um, and so sometimes I feel like, again, I
robbed myself of an experience, but I also had a lot of fear from that
last time and I did not, I didn't want to go through that again. And three
days following having Lexie, I felt completely cut off like I could not do
anything like verbalize anything. I don't even really remember that time.
Frame very much. So I, you know, the minute they threatened that drug and
that's what it felt like was a threat. There's not a chance I'm not doing
it. So Brandon was gonna be born C section and by then I was ok with it
because, uh, I just, again, and I never pictured myself pushing for
whatever reason. And when they got him out, they were like, it is such a
good thing that we did not push because the cord was wrapped around him
three times and my uterus was so thin that they were confident had I
pushed that I would have abrupt. So I guess things happen for a reason. I
don't know what to tell you that. It's interesting how closely tied you um
thoughts and emotions and body is, you know what I mean? Like what your
body needs, like signals to your brain, which signals to your, you know
what I mean? It's amazing. I have tried to share what I went through so
many times and that's probably why I feel like I know how I felt about it
so solidly because it was so traumatic. And I guess that's absolutely like
the word I would use is traumatic because I don't think anybody very well
prepares you for those kinds of things. And I think most people assimilate
having babies as like a normal part of existence and it's easy and
everyone can do it. And for many people that is the case. But I think when
you meet or talk to somebody who, that's not how it was for them. Uh They
, they treat that event with a greater deal of respect. Like I have great
respect for people who go in and like they, they have their babies, they
have their babies at home and things are great for them because that's a
little bit how I feel about nursing. Like that was never a problem for me.
And, but I also acknowledge that I know it's one of the toughest things
people have ever done and that just wasn't for me. But I, on the flip side
, pregnancy was miserable. I was a horrible pregnant person. Uh, but, you
know, so I guess that was my one blessing is that I had a horrible lead up
and a wonderful finish. Your deliveries were like being in a car accident.
Yeah. I mean, so I don't know that I would like, I'm not, now, I'm not
traumatized by it, but probably was I traumatized by it immediately
following. Absolutely. And I, in the 1st 3 to 6 months, I don't know that
I really know how to be a mom. Um, it, you know, and looking back, I
probably should have gotten help or done something. I would definitely say
I had postpartum depression. I was never diagnosed. I never saw anybody
but knowing who I am now and who I was three years ago. I was not ok. And
you know, I guess you just pick up the pieces and you move on because
you've got two kids who rely on you and you don't really get a choice. So
, yeah, I mean, it is, it's like I say this a lot that my mother was
saying, oh, it's like you're just surviving off love. And I was like, yeah
, it's that, but it's also like, it's like this is your new job and you
just do your right. And, you know, I think there's some people who, like I
say, it's my full time job. Right. And I think some people don't like that
because it elicits that it's undesired work or something like that. And
I'm, I'm not saying it's not undesirable because obviously I get paid
through my kids totally loving on me and I am the, you know, the center of
their universe most of the time, but it's a job. II, I feel like full
fledged wholeheartedly, feel that. And, you know, for anyone who doesn't
describe it that way, that's great. I'm glad that they feel differently.
But it's hard work for me. It did not come naturally to me being pregnant
, being a mom and also the amount of opinions people have about what you
should do. That is probably what played into like the first year. Always
feeling down on myself. You know, you're not doing this right. You're not
feeding them the right food. Why are you still nursing them. They're 13
months. You know, so lots of opinions and judgments. And with my second, I
basically was like, I don't care what your rules are, this is what works
for us and I would not give it up. I mean, my two year old comes into our
room every morning at four and snuggles with me until two. And I don't
care what the books say, but I would, I couldn't, I couldn't have said
that with my first because, you know, I was told, oh, you have to put them
in their crib and you have to let them cry and you lots of rules and I
didn't like that, but I also didn't know how to say I didn't like it. So,
yeah, totally. Um, one of the things my mom always says too, she goes, mom
, mom is spelled guilt.
It's like there's so much, yeah, like you're not just making decisions
about your own life now you're making decisions right? For someone else.
Um, I think though, like, it's funny you go to a playground and my kid's
wearing a helmet and another kid's not. And that mom instantly comes over
and it's like, I didn't know you were putting your kids in helmets at this
stage, like, how bad can they possibly wrap them? Like, I only put my kids
in helmets because I saw another mom put their kids in helmets. And so
then I felt like the bad mom and you know, it's funny how we put each
other through so much and we haven't even talked about it. And so I have
really tried to become so laid back on some things. I am very type a in a
lot of my life. But when it comes to being a mom, that is actually one of
the areas where I, I don't, I'm like, they wanna run around and be crazy
and yell and scream and then they wanna play monster game. Let, let's do
that. I wish I could go back to that where I didn't have to like, sit in
my chair for 20 minutes and eat five peas and do this and like, constantly
count and keep track and, you know, as long as they're healthy and happy,
that's really all I care about. And I went through the first year of
motherhood with a really close friend and we constantly had these
conversations, you're feeding them that I didn't, I wasn't going to feed
them that because this book told me that at 12 months they're only
supposed to be having this. And I'm like, yeah, but, you know, I just
decided to throw that role at the window because, and so I think if I
hadn't had her, I would have had way more guilt than I already did. But,
you know, we would basically be each other's testing the waters of, hey,
what are you doing now? Oh, I'm doing this. Ok. But that works for you.
But this works for us and that was really helpful. Um, my sister is six
years older than me. So we didn't have kids really. At the same time until
I had my second. She actually had her third and, um, same thing. She does
completely different things with her kids and, you know, touts that they
all eat this at this time and, and I'm like, I just, I can't do that. Like
, uh I'm, I'm done putting that much pressure on myself. I already put
enough pressure to last a lifetime on myself just in the pregnancy of my
first.
That's really good. Yeah, actually it's even a good ending statement.
There. Is there anything else that you didn't mention that you wanna
mention? Oh, gosh, I'm sure there is. But uh
I don't know, there's,
I just was, you know, so scared the whole time. And so I don't think, I
know, I don't even know that I remember things as accurate as they are. Um
I had more respect for my husband during that time than I will ever have
in my entire life because he basically nursed me back to health and I'm
the nurse, I'm the one who's supposed to do that. Um One of the things
that shocks my coworkers is the, we actually, I had a time period where my
abdomen was open for six weeks and he actually did my dressing changes for
six weeks. They just had a nurse come and teach him once and he did it the
rest of the time. And so our relationship has surpassed a level I ever
thought existed. Um, so that's the only thing is like, I think it's
unfortunate that David's story is not captured here because I'm sure he
has a totally different take on it. But, uh he stayed the course and I was
crazy for the last four years. So, was that when you had the, um,
hemorrhage? Yeah. Yeah. They had to keep me open until it healed because
it was just, there was so much bleeding and it was really weird. So,
opening you up, alleviated about pressure then pressure. And they actually
had, I had a ton of blood that they had to get out of me. So, it was not
very pretty. Was he changing the dresses in the hospital? No, he, we did
it at home. Yeah. And we, we took Lexi and her very first camping trip at
five weeks and he set up his little sterile field on our camping trip and
did it all there. And then, and it was just like, nothing was even wrong,
which was kind of nice instead of having a nurse coming every day and make
you feel like you're still not well and you need help or you need to go to
the hospital or something. And so he just was like, I don't see any
purpose in anybody coming. Let's just do it here and we'll go in if we
need help. How was your C section scar and all that? He, the first one was
really bad. It was quite thick and jagged and all of this stuff. But again
, the blessing of having the second is they actually brought in a plastic
surgeon the second time around and completely changed the scar and you
would never know that I had this horrible, like misshapen C section from
my first. So kudos to whoever decided that one did you have a scar from
the hem that opened up for the hemorrhage? Yeah. It was really like wide
and I, after that c section I couldn't feel my stomach for probably 4 to 6
months. It was just like tingly. Um, so whatever they did the second time
around, fixed all that and also, um, they just cut out the scar tissue
from the first time. So, I don't know, I guess I, it kind of a unknown
benefit.
Yeah, that's an amazing story. That was great. Um Yeah, I mean, you just
don't realize what you're capable of enduring. Yeah. Yeah. You know how
strong you are. At least I, yeah, that's amazing. Well, and I've heard
Katherine's story before too and I think that's one of the reasons we've
become such good friends is we both had really kind of traumatic laborers
and births and pregnancies. And so I think on some level we felt
comfortable like talking about that and not feeling like, oh, you had this
happy, wonderful, you know, pregnancy, that's textbook and should be on
the cover of a magazine. But I don't know, I'm sure that is exactly why
she wrote to me into doing this, but that's how Catherine and I thought it
, mine was really traumatic. So, but, um, it's because you're really
sharing, it's birth is intimate in terms of your per, like, personal
experience that's emotionally intimate. But then also it's physically,
you're talking about very private things, right? You know, and um so it's
a, it is a really deep way to bond with someone. And I did notice, like my
friend who I told you, we, we raised our first for the first year. Um She
didn't talk as much about like the details and I feel like because I'm a
nurse, I probably feel more comfortable with that. And uh I do know that
with her second time around, she was sharing more things with me, which,
you know, I was like, I don't know if that's just because she's more
comfortable with me now. But, um, you know, she, she had a really easy
first pregnancy and so she's like, I didn't want to tell you about it
because I didn't want to make you feel bad. And so it was interesting that
even though she had a good experience, she didn't feel like she could even
talk about it because she didn't wanna, you know, thwart the experience
that I had gone through. It's very sweet. Yeah. All right. I think we're
good. Ashley. Anything else you wanna add? Ok, I'm gonna turn off.