For Elise is interviewing Denise Haller at 1230 1230 on June 13th, 19
19th, 2015 for the creative push project. All right. So why don't we start
by just telling us a little bit about yourself. Um I'm a naturopathic
doctor. I'm a mother of two and I love my job and facilitate healing,
using natural medicine and I love being active and being outside. Great.
So why don't you tell us a little bit about your family? Um My husband is
Eric and he is my partner in every sense of the word Eric is my business
partner, my life partner, the father of my Children and my best friend and
my teacher. Um He's wonderful. So we have two boys together, Levi and
Isaiah. Levi is 8.5 and Isaiah is five and they are both um really
genuinely funny and make me laugh all the time and I appreciate them the
most for that.
Um Before I let you kind of take off, I just wanna ask you, can you maybe
take us back to the time of your um pregnancy or, and, or liver and
delivery if there was anything that is memorable about, you know, the
season or an event that happened or, and that kind of situation. Um, when
I think back to my pregnancies, what stands out the most, unfortunately.
Well, there's two things that stand out. One is I was very sick for both
of my pregnancies for the entire length of the pregnancy from week,
probably eight until the day I gave birth to those boys every day was a
struggle, every day was a push and a fight. Um And it was very challenging
for me. Uh The level of illness I had was very extreme. Um The other thing
I recall about my pregnancy is that stands out to me as being in absolute
awe of my body. I was in awe of my body and what it was doing, how it was
building growing a life, how it was changing, how it was expanding, how it
was responding, how it was acclimating and amazement. And um at the vision
of my body in the mirror, I would look in the mirror constantly and be
like, can you believe this is what's happening? And my body is um
facilitating life and growth. And to this day, I think it's the most
amazing thing. Um To remember back, even looking into how my body has
returned back to its normal state and to realize how far from that state
it had gone to come back. I'm just in amazement of the female body. Great
do you want to start talking about your pregnancy experience or the
pregnancy experience? It was, or the conception, was it planned or, you
know, kind of like the early part of
um both Children, we were ready to have Children. My first son, we had
decided to um to conceive and it happened rather quickly and we were
blessed with LEVI our second child. We knew it was getting close to the
time that we were open to having a second child and I hadn't quite decided
it would be time. And Isaiah is a result of me doing math during sex and
trying to figure out the days of fertility. And if we were in the clear or
not, I am not good at math, not during sex. And I am worse at math during
sex and I miscalculated and thought we were in the clear when we weren't
and here's Isaiah, which was perfect timing. So Isaiah came at the perfect
time and I made a great math mistake. Um and, and it ended up being just a
wonderful, wonderful timing to have a second child, especially a boy
because they're buddies.
How about the pregnancy, the pregnancy part. Um My pregnancies like I said
were difficult, you know, they were, I was very nauseous and sick and had
to figure out food, food sometimes made me better and sometimes it made me
worse. Um And my pregnancies were a struggle. They just were a struggle as
far as my body, my body did the job. My babies were healthy, luckily, and
my body gave my babies everything that they needed. And I'm grateful for
that and that's what's most important ultimately. But when I think of my
pregnancies, it wasn't one of those glowing times where I felt better for
being pregnant, I definitely suffered. Did you have the weight gain, the
water retention all that? How was that for you? Because, um, because my
pregnancy nausea was often better from food. I ate constantly and fatty
foods relieved my nausea more. So I gained a ton of weight. It was kind of
fun. It was like I got to eat ice cream and cookies. I remember my last
pregnancy being like, I'm going on Oregano's and getting a bazi because it
might be my last for a while while it's legal and I just kind of had at it
, you know, I typically have to watch my calories and watch what I eat.
And pregnancy was a time that I just gave that all up. So that was really
fun.
So, uh, maybe take us back to when you first started realizing you were in
labor with your first, you know? Ok. So I'll talk about my first labor
first then. Ok, I'm sorry, your second. It's fine. Um, ok. My second birth
, I was uh home and it was, it was raining in the desert which I'll never
forget me going into labor while it was raining. That desert rain is so
beautiful. It has a smell and a feel that is quite different because it's
not the norm in the desert. And my parents were over and my mother had
cooked this amazing home cooked meal. She's an incredible chef and she had
, and I'd smelled the dinner cooking for hours and I was so excited to sit
down and eat it. And she had prepared eggplant, Parmesan and wilted greens
and salad. And I was so ready to eat. I was so hungry and I, um, the sun
was setting and it was raining. And I sat down to this meal and just as I
was sitting down, I felt a gush of water and I was like, oh, wow, that was
my water. But I really want to eat this dinner. Ok. I'm going to hurry up
and eat because I'm not missing this. And I think I have a long night
ahead of me. So I'm so eating this. So my family sat with me. It was my
parents and my husband. My eldest son had gone to bed and I enjoyed that
meal and I savored it because as this being my second birth, I knew I
could be in for a long night and the meal was delicious. And it was a very
peaceful evening. I remember finishing dinner and inviting my parents to
leave. As I knew I wanted to give birth in my home with my husband and my
midwife and they were loving and wished me well and were very excited and
they left
and I went to sit on the exercise ball and kind of sit and be with the
after dinner. The surges started very slow, very gentle, just as that
tightening feeling and it excited me and I went to sit on the exercise
ball just to be with them and to start going inward as my husband cleaned
up the kitchen from dinner and got the house in a really nice state of
peace as he's very good at doing. Um I practiced a style of um a birthing
tool called hypnobirthing where it's a meditative birthing practice, a
practice where you go inward and use your breath and use guided imagery to
help work with your body to birth the baby naturally. So I started the
process of my breathing techniques and my meditation techniques to calm
myself. And it was wonderful. It was groovy. It was great. The first hour
I'd say I was just with myself and then the, the contractions started to
build and strengthen, still not painful, just super tight. And I decided
it was time to go into the bedroom and Eric lit the candles, put my Native
American flutes on the ipod dock and put my essential oils out and sat
with me for a little bit. Um in this meditative state, I don't talk much.
I, I'm very much inward and with myself but we talked a little bit at that
time and I shared with him some of what I was feeling and he had told me
he called the midwife and the midwife came shortly after and checked on me
and said I had a while to go and I was doing great and she was going to
leave and we were to call her things when things got more intense. So I
was fine with that. She left.
I was sitting on the bed practicing my breathing and the surges were
becoming more intense, bordering on uncomfortable at this point. And I
would practice meeting each surge with the same level of relaxation. So as
we know, being in pain, we tend to tense up. So my goal was to relax into
each contraction to help uh help the efforts of dilation, which is the
ultimate goal I had learned all this because my first birth didn't go so
well. So I was determined to try something differently this time.
And I remember thinking, gosh, I hope this works. Gosh, I hope this birth
is different than my first. And I just trusted this process. I just
decided I picked a method and I'm going to trust the process and the
surges were getting much more intense, uh more rapidly. And I'd have to
each time dig even deeper to stay relaxed against the wave of discomfort
and tightness. And they got so intense that I remember really hitting a
point of feeling like, OK, can I do this? This is, this is getting really
uncomfortable. I don't know if I can dig any further. And each time I'd
recommit to dig further and I said I have no choice. This is the way I'm
going to birth Isaiah and I knew his name already and I would recommit and
I remember recommitting to the process four or five times and I was so
focused on my breath and so focused on being present with each contraction.
I didn't realize how far along the labor was going until I felt
super intense contractions that made me dizzy
and Eric was with me. I wasn't saying a word to him. A conversation had
stopped for a while. Now, I wasn't speaking to him anymore. I couldn't, I
couldn't break my meditative state or concentration or the pain levels
would go up
and I would just stay super deeply connected to myself and to being
present to each contraction
to where finally
I had a contraction that was so, so deep that I felt tingly all over. I
started shaking. I got a wave of heat and I realized I'm in transition. I
did it. I think I'm fully dilated. I think this baby and all this is
happening within me and I couldn't share it with my husband because I
couldn't break my concentration. So I leaned back and slid down into the
bed and opened my knees and that was his sign that he knew that things
were advancing
and then another contraction came, that was crazy, intense. And I almost
felt like I couldn't keep the calm at the base of it. I wanted to freak
out, but I wouldn't freak out. And then I got through that contraction and
I felt the crown. I felt Isaiah's head and I was done, but I knew I had
more to go and I had to dig even further and push my boundary even further.
And Eric said, Didi the head, you're doing it, you're doing it. I see the
head. I'm like, ok, good. He knows. He knows because I couldn't tell him,
but he knows that this baby is so coming right now, the midwife hadn't
returned yet and it was just him and I, and I knew the next contraction
was going to be a dozer and it finally came and I dug so deep and I had
nowhere else to dig. And I just held on to this mantra and I kept saying,
come to mommy, Isaiah, come to mommy, Isaiah, come to mommy, Isaiah, come
to mommy, come to mommy. And that helped me release from the discomfort
and be so excited that I was getting to meet Isaiah that I could deal with
that last surge that was so uncomfortable. And I felt Eric jump up and he
went to wash his hands and he came to my legs and the next contraction
produced Isaiah's head and I could relax a little bit and talk to him and
say, don't touch him yet. One more contraction. And then you can, you can
hold him
and I went back inside because I knew it was coming. And then the last
contraction came and it was so intense, but so awesome.
And I felt the release of Isaiah leaving my body and into Eric's arms and
then he brought him right to my chest and we were both crying
and I felt such a sense of accomplishment. I was so incredibly excited to
kiss and hug and meet Isaiah,
coupled with feeling so proud of myself that I trusted my body. And I
pushed through 10 layers of, I can't do this. And I felt so confident in
my body.
I was on a high, I was overwhelmed that that all just went down after my
first birth going so poorly in my opinion and being such a struggle that I
could have this experience as well with such a gift. And of course, I held
my Isaiah and he was perfect and beautiful. And the midwife walked in
right, probably two minutes after Isaiah was in my arms
and checked him and helped me birth the placenta
and Isaiah nursed pretty quickly after delivery
and he's just been a dream ever since that birth is Isaiah
that's here to fall.
That was really intense.
Right?
Yeah, I feel it in my body. Yeah. That's incredible. It was incredible. I
felt differently about myself ever since that birth and my body, I
cherished my body and I'm in awe of the female body. Like, really? Wow.
Birth,
amazing. And it's just programmed to do that. If we just get out of the
way, it's programmed to birth the baby. I'm not saying that's easy to get
out of the way. But that's the ideal and
it was a gift to be able to birth naturally. It, it was like a person. It
was like a, to be able to birth naturally was like a self development
seminar like on steroids, like the amount of personal growth I went
through in that experience was a lot and I've had it ever since and, and
I'm so grateful that I had the tools and the, the support to have a birth
like that to have that had that experience with nature and with Isaiah.
Yeah, that's incredible. It really does change you as a person, you know,
to go through something like that.
Well, you can see your um you know, confidence and security and the ease
and you have great composure. And I imagine a lot of that comes from
experience, something like that. Maybe. Do you notice the difference
between the boys 1000% Isaiah's birth is Isaiah. He's easy going. He's
gentle. He, he loves to do a good job, he loves to do things right. He
values our praise. Um He's just right in line with Levi. Everything with
Levi is difficult and he, he's a beautiful human. Levi is charming and
he's hysterical and he's just such a lover boy. But Levi, everything with
Levi is difficult and everything with Levi's birth was difficult and
challenging and, um, a lot of points of conflict and stuck and, and not in
alignment once he was born, finally, once he was born, he wouldn't nurse.
Of course, he wouldn't. He's Levi, he's not just going to latch on. He's
Levi, it's got to be difficult, like four lactation consultants and tons
of grief and tears and all this drama. And finally, we figure out Levi and
I figure out how to, how to nurse 1000%. Their births are them as people.
It's amazing.
Do you think you can take us through Levi's break? Kind of blocked it out
? Yes.
I mean, ok, Levi's birth,
I went into labor with Levi and it was late at night and, and labor labor
began and it was confusing. Is this really labor? It would start, it would
stop. Um I couldn't tell it, I couldn't really tell what was happening. So
it was very stutter in the initiation of that labor. And I would take naps
and then I would wake up to some pretty intense contractions that were,
that were uncomfortable and verging on painful, then they would stop or
slow down. And then we hit a stride in the contractions where they were
persistent and rather painful and, and I was sure they were resulting in
dilation and progress
because we were several hours into the labor. And the midwife would check
me and say, no, you're only still a half centimeter, like when we started
and the discouragement of feeling like I'm pretty much tapped out of
energy and we're not even beginning, brought fear and doubt and,
and despair because I didn't know what I had ahead of me. And I knew this
baby had to come out and it was a homebirth. And I had my midwife there
and her assistant and my husband and I remember a lot of activity around
me and me just going inward trying to figure out how to do something
better or differently. And why wasn't this progressing? And what was I
supposed to be doing and what am I not doing? And it was extremely
uncomfortable and painful. The contractions were very strong and clearly
ineffectual. So that went on for many hours, about 10 hours in, at this
point, all the while making very little progress. My mother was in the
kitchen for this birth and she was feeling my distress and didn't know
what to do for me. So she just cooks. So every hour or so I smell a
different aroma coming from the kitchen. When she's anxious, she cooks and
there was a lot of cooking, there was lasagna that I smelled apple pie and
then I'd smell coffee and then I would smell
like dessert. I, I, every time someone would come help me, they would have
a different odor of food on their breath. She was feeding the whole team
just that's how she knew to support me. And I felt alone because I felt
like life was going on around me and I realized that nobody could do it
but me, it was going to have to be me no matter, no matter how much people
wanted to help. It didn't matter because in the end, it would be up to me
to deliver this baby. And, and the despair was as painful as the
contractions at that point.
And Eric was trying everything to support me and he looked exhausted and
everyone around me looked exhausted and I felt completely exhausted
and I just kept at it. I realized there was no turning back. I had to keep
going. So I did my best to push and to try and relax and it felt as if
nothing was working. I try to shower. I tried all the things that you hear
in labor, help women and nothing was helping only feeding my despair at
that point.
At one point, Eric looked at me and asked me a couple of questions which I
could barely answer about the way I was feeling. And I described that the
contractions were very intense, but it didn't feel like I had anything to
push against. They weren't effectual and he he asked if he could leave for
a moment. And I said, sure.
And he went and got a homeopathic medicine called Pulstilla.
And he put the pulstilla under my tongue
and the next two contractions produce Levi's head. I can't say I remember
the experience of birthing Levi because I was numb at that point. I do
remember feeling relief in that. I, everyone was cheering for me towards
the end as I was
pushing Levi out.
And I remember Levi being delivered and me successfully delivering Levi
and I just fell back on the bed and surrendered and collapsed. Not even
reaching out for Levi until someone said he's here, here's Levi and I got
him like, oh my gosh, Levi's here. It's almost like I'd lost reality and I
was in disbelief. I had finally delivered him and they handed me Levi and
I couldn't believe how beautiful he was and I'll never forget the
broadness of his shoulders to this day. He's 8.5. I look at his shoulders
, I'm like, look how broad his shoulders are. And it was the first note I
took of him when he came into my arms and he had so much hair and he had
my eyes and I could even tell then, and I cuddled him and thought that it
was worth every freaking ounce of discomfort, pain and horror. Sorry. But
horror because he's so freaking beautiful and perfect and it was all worth
it. At that point. And
I, I had a long recovery from that labor and a lot of issues in recovery
from that labor, um, as it was long and it was really difficult.
Yeah. It bad. So,
a bit emotionally, you're tired from that too. For many months. I
emotionally had to recover from that because Levi didn't, couldn't latch
properly and therefore, wasn't getting any nourishment
and I was postpartum and I was exhausted and then I was trying to do my
first motherly duty, which is feed my baby and I couldn't do that. So you
can imagine the emotion that coupled uh that experience and it wasn't um a
happy, there was happiness, we adore Levi, but there was a lot of healing
and a lot of struggle
and now there still is with Levi. But now I know how to handle Levi. Now,
I, I understand Levi and I can handle his struggle without the, the
fatigue.
I accept Levi. I accept that he's, that he can be difficult often and that
makes it easier.
That's what they say about how we handle husbands too. Correct. Acceptance
is powerful.
Well, I think we're good. Do you have anything else you want to add? I
think I gave it. I think you did too, dude. Well, that's what's in there.