OK. So this is for us, Elise um interviewing Felicia Penza on May 25th at
310 for the creative push project. OK. So if you can take us all the way
back to the conception, who, let's see, um The conception was unexpected.
It, it certainly was not planned. Uh It was with a gentleman who, um I was
dating casually and, uh but we had known each other for over a year but,
uh you know, yeah, it just
the throes of passion, I guess, you know, just, uh
just always connecting with someone, just physically and, and um uh
hopefully emotionally is something there's something profound in that
moment. So I, I guess for me, uh you know, I definitely remember the
moment that it happened, you know, in October of 2009. And um yeah, that's
it. Did you get the feeling you were pregnant right away or did, how did
that reveal itself? Oh, no. Um I did not know that I was pregnant right
away. I think it was more um, for me, II I, my period rises and falls like
the moon like it's, you know, pretty often there's no, you know, TV. Show
where? Oh, I didn't, can't believe I was pregnant or didn't know I was
pregnant for six months. No, immediately after 30 days happened. I was
like, huh? You know, where, where's, you know, where's Anne Flo at? So, uh
, I went and got some pregnancy tests. I remember I was, um, living with
my roommate at the time and, uh, it came out very faint and, um, positive
and I remember waking him up at like 430 in the morning and I was like, no
, this isn't, this isn't a plus sign, is it? He said no girl, you pregnant
? Just
I was like, are you sure, let's look again. So, you know, um, it went from
me doing that to thinking that after seeing TV shows and so many things
that you're supposed to go to the doctor and confirm through a blood test
or anything like that. And they were like, no, you're pregnant just if
that's what you're seeing as a result, I'm like, but they say that there's
false positives sometimes. No. Did you have intercourse? Yes. Oh, ok. So
I'm pregnant so that it was just that. And what was that? So it was four
in the morning when you, it was, this is very early in the, did you go
back to sleep or lay in bed just like at the ceiling? Oh, no, I waited for
like a Planned Parenthood or a clinic to open like at six am and was like
their first call to say hi. So I just, I have this pregnancy test here and
it's saying positive. Like I don't, I was, I think I was, yeah, I was 30
years old at the time. I sounded like a 14 year old, you know, child, I
don't know if the instructions say positive and that means pregnant. Right.
So, um, yeah, they were like, no, you're pregnant. There's no point in
you coming down here, you're pregnant. So um from there, I um of course,
did the thing which I thought was ridiculous when I would look at
different movies where a woman would panic over being pregnant. And by
like 15, I'm like, why would you do that? It, the, it says that you're
pregnant, you're pretty much certain from the first time. But I, I for
some reason thought that, you know, it would be like, like share like
turning back time, like it would just happen where it would be like psych.
No, that was a false positive, but now about three pregnancies later and
I tried different brands. I was like, ok, let me try the one with the
digital screen because that one is like, that's a $19 you know, pregnancy
test. That's, that's serious. They, you know, you're investing the money,
they're gonna let you know for sure whether or not you're pregnant or not.
Instead of like the $7.01 that I got from. You know, the 99 cent store.
So um no, all of them all cross in every brand read, you know, pregnant or
? Congratulations. And, you know, I just wish that it just, I wish the
boxes had much more um accurate depictions of people's reactions to, to
pregnancy, you know, just because my, my head was just in my hands. Like,
what, what did I do? You know, instead of the Yay Toyota type of, you know
, it, that, that did not happen. So, but it was, it wasn't like I wasn't
devastated. I was like, ok, especially because, um, I had been pregnant
before and, um, terminated, uh, three times before and all of them were
for valid reasons. Um, well, I mean, as valid as you can get about
terminating a life, I don't want to be insensitive to that. But once I was
18 and then twice I was 25 and I hadn't finished school yet. But, you know
, I'm 30 now. We've got a job, we've got a salary job. I've, you know, got
my family around me. Like there's no real valid excuse other than the fact
that I'm not married and in a traditional sense, this was not the scenario
that you're supposed to move forward with when you're with child. So I was
like, I can do this. So I think it went from, um, a state of, it wasn't
even shock. It was like, it was disbelief for a moment because I, I guess
I just had that little bit of how did this happen. And, you know, of
course, my funny roommate was like, well, when two men and women really
come together and, you know, their bodies connect and I was, like, shut up
, you know, I get it, I had intercourse and it brought about a child. So I
would from then on, um, I thought I was gonna be ok, especially because it
wasn't a one night stand. It wasn't, although it was something where we
weren't in an exclusive relationship. I felt confident enough that um he
would be present and, and that made me feel better. So, yeah. So how did
you break the news? Um
I texted him and uh said we should talk at some time. When are you free?
Uh It's not something that you wanna talk about over the phone. Um So he
said he was unavailable. So I think the fact that I kept pressing for a
date of his availability kept triggering that maybe something was wrong
because before, because of our casual relationship, it was like, hey, what
are you up to, man? I'm, you know, hanging out with the guys. Ok. No. Hit
me up this weekend. No, you're not available to. Well, what are you doing
on Wednesday morning uh for like brunch, you know, are you available? No.
Ok, then maybe we can meet for lunch or no, maybe dinner. So he was like,
what's going on and all of this all happened through text and, um, where I
said finally because it was like, obviously, I'm not gonna get you to meet
me face to face. So I'm pregnant and, uh, I think that, um, because of our
casual situation that maybe you should get yourself tested because you
assured me that you had a vasectomy. So, um, if that's the case, then we
should start arranging for a lawsuit for your doctor because this is just
, I'm not the Virgin Mary here. So obviously something happened that's
inaccurate. So either you were dishonest with me or someone was dishonest
with you. Um, either way I'm just trying, I'm not even upset. I mean, it's
what's done is done, but the fact that either you were knowledgeable of
that or not knowledgeable of that, perhaps you should let your other
partners know if that's the case. And he said, well, I have a signed
document from my doctor. So it, I don't think that that's mine. But if we
, if you wanna go take care of it, I will certainly, um, provide you the
money to do that. So you're gonna give me money. But at the same time, it
couldn't be you. That's silly. So, as I, you know, move forward with the
process, there were a lot of other things that I were revealed to me that
, you know, showed his dishonesty and, you know, uh, that was just the
first stage of it, but that was me telling him and him um suggesting that
I terminate the pregnancy and me expressing to him that no dear. Um I
think the fact that I've terminated pregnancies three times in the past.
Ok. Now, now I'm just going to burn in hell, like like on one of those
rotisserie like, you know, like a pig in hell. So I won't even just be
sitting with like a cup of water in hell. I will be on a spit just
rotating around so that people can just eat the little pieces of my
carcass. Like that's how badly that would make me feel if I terminated yet
another pregnancy. So I'm not gonna do that. So I tried to explain that to
him to which he understood and somehow it transitioned from not having a
vasectomy to OK. Now you're not terminating well, even if it is mine. Um
The fact that it was not conceived in love is not anything that I'm going
to lay claim for or acknowledge. So if you obviously you're choosing to
move forward with this pregnancy, so good luck to you. And that was that
and I just didn't want to. I, I guess I immediately went into,
I won't say survival mode, but once I knew that that parental unit was
extracted, I knew I needed to recalibrate my entire game plan. Uh There,
there was no figuring out, you know, visitation or child support or
anything this was all on me. So in the midst of all of that, I guess I
just went into survival mode. So that was me telling him.
So, um how was it, um, you know, at those beginning stages where you
started to actually feel pregnant and then the process of being pregnant,
were there any surprises? What was the experience like for you? Um
I think I was just
the whole experience of being pregnant was
I, I regret not savoring it more because, uh at the time I was working for
a magazine in Scottsdale and I was the designer there, but they had been
um wooed into moving their um location to California. Um, so that they
could be a part of a reality television program that all talked about the
inner workings of, you know, a magazine which was really great. But at the
time I was four or five months pregnant where they, when they decided to
relocate to West Hollywood, California, they offered me the same salary to
move to California. Ok, to West Hollywood where I didn't know anyone and
where I was still required to work like a 60 to 80 hour work week. So at,
you know, forget daycare or Children or anything, like everyone in that
atmosphere that, that I was working at, at the time did not have Children
or maybe they were married, but that was just not a part of the lifestyle
or the scene. So me working and, you know, airbrushing, you know, the
cover of, you know, this magazine or something like that. I already knew
that that period of my life was starting to draw to a close. So the fact
that it all ended as I was pregnant, I got laid off at five months, five
months pregnant. So, um
I was not only still trying to plan everything but prep for everything. So
, um I would say that the whole pregnancy experience was a blur for me.
But I think the thing that made um that gave me even more of a sense of
urgency was me laying in the stirrups and I was with my girlfriend um
during my lunch hour to go and get my, you know, ultrasound. Um and she
was my coworker at the magazine I was working at and um the nurse came in
and did the ultrasound and she was like, yeah, this is looking really good
and both heartbeats are really steady. And I said my baby has two hearts
and she said, no, no dear. Um that's twin A and that's twin B and that's
how I found out that I was having twins. So my girlfriend coworker account
is that for the rest of the um doctor's visit? I just kept muttering to
myself, what am I gonna do with two babies? What am I gonna do with two
babies? You know? So for me, I wish in hindsight that I had waited to tell
people, but I was so panicked and wanted everyone to know so that they
knew like na uh when the baby shower comes, you need to buy double of this.
Like don't get just one cute dress. You need to get, you know, multiple
things for me because you already know I'm doing it by myself and now I'm
having two Children. So alert to the masses, I'm having twins and I, I
just wish I could have surprised everybody in hindsight and just, I guess
, you know, we'll, we'll get to the further part of the Children actually
being here. But girl, if all you have is onesies and birth cloths and
diapers and wipes and then food for them to eat. You're good. I, you don't
need a little basin to, you know, give them baths or the little jumper
ridiculous thing that you don't need any of that. You just need stuff to
change them into when they throw up and you need to change their diapers
and make sure they eat. And if you kept them alive at the end of the day,
kudos to you, we don't need cute outfits. I didn't care anything about
that once they were actually here and I just wish that I wouldn't have
been in panic mode, but for me, I was taking on the role of not only the
daddy to make sure that all of my finances were in order, I, I didn't have
time to be the mama just, 00, she can't, do you know, do you want to come
? And no, we don't have time for that. Do we have the bassinet? Yeah. Do
we have the stroller? How much is it? Let me go online and, and make sure
I'm getting the one that's the most safe but still the most inexpensive.
What should I register for? Like, for me when it comes to, um, panic mode
, like some people run around with like a chicken with their head cut off
and for me, logistics, soothe me and I guess that was the only way that I
knew how to deal was just to try and plan as much as I could, which is
ridiculous because you can never plan for a baby let alone too. Did that
planning. Um Also uh go on to your birth process like, were you thinking
about that or was it like, did you always know I was just gonna, I was
gonna go to the hospital and blah, blah, blah. Um I would have to say that
um me losing my job while being laid off was probably the best thing that
ever happened to me and let me tell you why because the state paid for
everything.
So the fact that I had a um a multiple birth so I could elect to have ac
section because I had a high risk pregnancy. So already I was like, sign
me up for that. Let's, let's do the C section because I'm not trying to
push, push. I'm not doing that if I don't have to, but it turned out, um,
that just trying to plan the birth and all that stuff. I just thought
everything was set up from there. I didn't have preeclampsia. I didn't
have high blood pressure, which I was concerned about because I'm, you
know, I'm a curvy girl, so I didn't know whether or not that those health
choices and the fact that I am overweight was going to be something that
impacted my Children. So I did try to walk, you know, when I could and um
I just chuckle up water and with ice which I hate ice like normally. But
for some reason, I was just craving ice and water and cranapple juice and
cinnamon toast crunch like whenever it was accessible to me. Just, no, no
, no, no, no, no, no. So um I would have to say as far as planning, yeah,
there was the preparation but the hospital I just knew that the doctors
were gonna do their job and that everything would be cool there. So I
didn't really worry about that part so much. It was more the building up
to it and the fact that during my pregnancy, I didn't, I mean it's just,
it was 2010 man. I, I don't know, Pinterest wasn't booming back then, you
know, it wasn't. I mean, Ipads were still like $1400 you know, so it just
now everything is so accessible with your phone and downloading and stuff
like that. I wish that there was just a better account of my, my journey
as I was pregnant because, you know, I know there was a lot of blogging
back in 2010 but nothing like what there is now. Like, I think in
hindsight, I would have had like a episode every day of just my whole
pregnancy experience. But um, I didn't have a lot of pictures. I didn't
like for people to take pictures of me. Um I was a little ashamed because
of just people asking, you know, you know, oh, you're pregnant. So who's
the father? And I just, I guess I didn't realize how rude that is to ask.
I'm sorry. But um,
it's just wait for me to tell you my story instead of you being so blatant.
You know, obviously it's something very personal or I mean, we're friends
or we're at least acquaintances. If you haven't seen a gentleman caller
around, then obviously, you know, this wasn't the scenario that I was
hoping for. So let's retell it while I'm pregnant and already emotional
and make you feel better to be in the know about my story about this guy
completely, you know, disappearing into vapor. That's cool. You know, so
it just, it was fun being pregnant.
It was just stressful and I felt like the only thing I could do was plan I
was living with my mom at the time and just trying to save money and just
prepare as much as I could. So that's it with that. Can you describe the
sensation of carrying twins? Like I can't even wrap my brain off if you've
and I don't even know if I can say her name on here. But if, if you've
ever watched the movie Aliens With Sigourney Weaver, that is what it felt
like to me, like people, like, I, I just, I, I curse every movie that has
pregnant women in them because it's, or, you know, that's, that's, that's
unfair because some people really feel that connection or I, I think like
, even when I was in the stirrups and I was, you know, going to confirm my
pregnancy and, you know, like you, you'll see on TV, where they say, oh my
God, that's the heartbeat and oh, the flutter and I'm like, ok, you know,
and you know, oh, I saw the flutter. I heard the heart beat and felt
immediately connected to them. That did not happen for me. And, um, so
that didn't happen either. It just felt really strange and foreign and
like, you know, just to see a foot, like the imprint of a foot just move
across your tummy. I felt like an alien was about to burst through my
belly, like supporting Weaver. That's the best way to describe it. That's
how it felt to me it was just very foreign and, and strange and I just
felt like I just had gas all the time. I peed all the time
all the time. Like, even when I tried to, you know what, I'm not gonna
drink this, you know, cup of water because immediately I'm gonna have to
get up and I felt bad because all my friends had to literally forklift me
, you know, off of every, you know, sitting position possible so that I
can go to the bathroom all the time. You know, it's just so I felt like I
was inconveniencing them and they were just regaling and telling me I was
glowing, I was like, I'm hot, I'm sweating, I'm not glowing. It that, that
sweat coming out of my pores, stop trying to make this a beautiful
experience because it is not. So that was that this, this has definitely
been an interesting process because um I had a lot of difficulty with my
pregnancy and then some moments of giving birth and then still feeling a
little disconnected and I had that like rush of tears and you know, and so
, but it, it is something that you almost have some guilt about because
there is this projection of, you know, women, you're right, like glowing
and caressing their bellies and talking to their future babies and having
this sort of connection that some, some is like, what's wrong with me? Why
am I you know, I'm not that same headspace, but this has been a great
opportunity for women to hear all kinds of experiences and then to have
that to relate to them. Like I'm having that same experience and, you know
, totally. So thank you so much for being willing to share your
perspective on the experience. Of course. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, um as the
date started to get closer, how did like the whole scheduling go you had,
did you just pick a birth day? You know, um, my due date was August 23rd.
Um, if I wanted to give birth naturally. Um, but August, um, it was just a
matter of the doctor and the scheduling and she was like, I'm available on
this day. I was like, cool, I think my mom's off that day, so we'll just
do it for August 3rd. That sounds good. And it happened to be my, um, my
favorite aunt's, um, birthday. So, um, yeah, it, it just all worked out
for that day. I think it was a Tuesday. It was a Tuesday. Did you have
that sense of like, I'm gonna walk in there as like one person and come
out as three in a way. I knew it was gonna happen
but I didn't know it was gonna happen.
Yeah. I, I knew that I was, that I was going to be a mother but I didn't
know what that meant when, as I was going into the hospital, uh, it just
felt like I was going in for a procedure and I knew what the ultimate
result was going to be, but it just didn't feel real. It just felt like we
were pretending a little bit like I was a part of some exercise and
instead of a pet rock, it was just something, you know, that they like in
, you know, inserted into me and it was like, ok, now we're gonna have
this fake baby come out of you. Like it's all just a joke, you know, like
, like Joe Schmo or something on Spike TV. It was like, I just, I didn't,
I guess I was just still kind of, it was just all surreal.
Um Can you describe that experience of the C section? Some people talk
about the medication and the process being a mirror. Well, I remember
being pissed at my mom because, um, during my, that's, that's another
thing during my whole pregnancy. Um my, um, in my mouth, it was the taste
of metal just the whole time. So I basically, other than cinnamon toast,
crunch, cranapple juice and water. I sucked on peppermints all the time.
Like I just bought them in bulk and just popped one in my mouth whenever
I needed them. So the date of my birth, we were or of my children's birth
, we were driving to the hospital and I was like, I need a peppermint in
the worst way. And she's like, well, the doctor said not to eat anything.
I'm like, woman, you know, this is not a steak that I'm eating, it's a
piece of peppermint. Like I feel like I'm gonna throw up. So give it to me.
So we basically argued about it the whole time and, um, as they were
prepping me for the surgery and everything like that, I was just pissed at
her the whole time, which is a really great state of mind to be in. Um,
but, you know, like play pissed off but, you know, we were fine. But, um,
so are you ready to hear about the, the birth, the actual birth? Ok. So,
um, all the doctors came in, you know, there were different doctors at
certain points taking my blood pressure and just checking the heart rates
of the kids. They put these like two belts on, on my stomach just to
monitor both of them. And, um, oh my God, I was so huge and my tits were
so huge. Jesus, like, like the size of
a, a medicine ball. I'm not kidding. Not even a basketball, a medicine
ball that you just lunge towards someone's head and you just duck because
it's just lethal. I it's just, it was very unpleasant. But, um, so I
remember getting, um, the little, um, netted hat put on my head. Um, I
remember being wheeled into the operating room. Um, it was cold but I'm
always cold but in particular hospitals are always cold. Um It was just a
hue of blue that was um around me, it was a um maybe about four or five
people that were in the operating room and um they let me know that they
were gonna administer a needle into my spine. So there was someone behind
me and then there were two kind of flanking me just to make sure I didn't
jerk back or react a certain way. And um somebody right in front of me
just to give me support and just talk me through the entire process. So
that was comforting. Um But then the needle was administered and um which
wasn't like um excruciatingly painful. It was just like, and then
immediately I started to feel my heart race. So I'm, I'm not sure, I think
I'm not allergic to anesthesia, but I'm just very sensitive to it because
immediately I just started to hyperventilate and this has happened in like
dentist's office like when I get my wisdom teeth out or whatever, like,
and they tell you not to sit up when that happens, they prefer that you
keep laying down, which doesn't help because I, I just feel like someone
is suffocating me right in my throat. So, um as that started to happen, um
I heard like an alarm or a siren go off and then um I started to drift off
and then when I woke up, there were two babies like on the side, in this
little carrier right here, like in this little glass table getting weighed
and all this stuff. So I don't remember anything else. So, my mother's
account of what happened was because they were wheeling me in, they were
letting my mother know that I was getting administered with the anesthesia
and then telling her to put on the, you know, scrubs and all of the, um,
things that she needed to be appropriate to go into the operating room.
And um, apparently my son's uh heart rate started to drop. So I'm not sure
if it was because of the anesthesia or why he was already a little
underweight um, throughout my pregnancy and um, I guess my daughter had
been eating all of the food. So, um, he was, it was already a concern,
which is why I wanted to do the C section. Um I didn't want something to
go wrong where I'm in labor for, you know, 18 hours and then say, oh, well
, the cord direct to run her next. So let's do ac section really quick. I
was like, no, I'm not doing all that, you know, let's just err on the side
of caution, let's just get her out of there and be done with or get them
out of there and be done. So, Grace's heart rate started to drop and so
somebody ran outside and said your grandson is about to be born in 10
seconds. Get in here. So according to my mom, she walked through the doors
and um, she said that she saw the inner workings of her daughter just
lifted up and moved over and saw Grayson being lifted up and crying and
was a little, he was a little blue. And um, she said the doctor paused for
a moment as he, she uh, as he was being lifted up and looked back at my
mom to see whether or not she was freaking out because my intestines, like
all of me was just out there for her to see. And when she saw that my mom
was not like going ballistic, she went back to what she was doing and
somebody guided my mom over to sit right near my head. So from then
Isabella's cord was wrapped around her neck. So I'm glad I did not go the
way of just waiting it out or anything like that. So, um, they cut the
cord and lifted her out maybe two minutes later. So Grayson was born at
932
and Bella was born like at 934 or 935. I know it was a three minute
difference between the two of them. Um Bella was £6.08 ounces and Grayson
was like £5 or something. Um, but or, or maybe £4 something because for a
moment, they almost did not release him from the hospital because he had
not gained the appropriate amount of weight for the four days that we were
there um following the, the birth. So for me, um there, there's photos and
I'll show them to you of me looking like with the, you know, gown and on
the operating table. I'm looking at them, I don't recall that, but
apparently I looked at them, you know, as they were sh to me and then was
wheeled out immediately to recovery. And I just remember for a split
second, waking up and seeing them flank to my left as they were being
weighed and wiped down and all that stuff. And then I fell back asleep. So
I really didn't wake up and meet my Children until we were in my actual
hospital room. And
it just, it just made things worse for me for a while because I was
already detached from it. Um Not to say that I wasn't happy about it. I, I
wanted these Children, I chose these Children. I knew that I was
responsible for taking care of them. I knew that I would love them because
my mother loves me. Uh It's just a mother's love is unconditional, but
that those feelings did not come right away for me. Um And I think that
how they came into the world impacted my dynamic with them for, for quite
a while um to just fall asleep and then have these two people that I was
just responsible for. Um, it just felt like I was babysitting for a while
, especially given the fact that, um, although my father had Children from
a previous marriage, my siblings are all in their late fifties right now
and I'm 36. So I essentially grew up an only child because I'm the only
product of my mother and father being married. So, um, my father, um, had
a, uh, past where he was a sex offender. Um, he, there was nothing that he
did to me but um those situations in my childhood, um limited me from
having sleepovers and having girlfriends come over my house because I'm
living in Iowa in a small town where everybody knows that my father is the
sex offender. So it just limited my relationships and it limited my
opportunity to babysit or interact with small Children and I didn't have
any br little brothers and sisters. So this was all new territory to me,
man. Like other than me babysitting my niece and nephew a couple of times
, I had no experience with babies at all, let alone too two at the same
time. So, you know, I went to the breastfeeding classes ahead of time
which my brother um um teased me for, he was like the kid's gonna find
your tit and, and do what it needs to do. But that is not the case,
especially when it comes to having two Children. At the same time, I tried
the whole holding them with the as footballs and cradling them with the
little um half moon um um pillow thing so that I could prop them up. But
here's the thing that happens with tits. Sometimes the milk comes in on
one side and it doesn't on the other. Both of these fools are hungry right
now. What are you supposed to do? You know, you can't alternate. They both
need to eat. So I must have breast fed for about a week before I said fuck
this shit and went and got formula immediately which again, the blessing
of me losing my job was having wick and being able to get those canisters
, which they ain't cheap honey to get those canisters a formula. When um I
got some that just lasted like a week or whatever, it was like 70 or $80
like $15 per can. Oh my God. So they just happened the way they needed to
in that realm. I I feel blessed in, in regards to that. I did have a lot
of supportive friends that like really helped out as far as getting me the
car seats and the diapers and all that stuff. But when it came to like the
, the tub or whatever and you know, it just washed them in the sink and
you know, there was just some simple things that I learned on my own. But
I would just have to say um in the hospital, it was just,
it was just tough because I didn't know what they needed when they cried.
And, you know, I had these nurses coming in and they instinctually knew
what to do. And, um, one nurse pissed me off though, but it was just
because she was from another culture where you can, I mean, she was just
lifting the baby and handling them with such, it wasn't aggressive, but it
was just very like, I just thought of them as porcelain and this woman was
handling the baby like a football. And um, so that made me get a little
more confident about it and maybe not take everything so make everything
su such a precious moment. So, um, there was that, um, I don't know how in
detail you want me to get about the fact that the catheter was still in me
, you know, for the three or four days and it wasn't until they removed it
on the last day. And I remember wearing the netted, you know, humiliating
panties that they have uh with these huge gargantuan pads like they might
as well just get you some depends and, and let you just push on with it.
Um, but I remember that, I remember once I finally did get the cat
catheter out trying to, um, um, take a poop and couldn't do that. And um,
yeah, I, I think the, the thing that resonates for me
was maybe the night before I left, um Isabella had woken up, she's always
been an early bird. And, um, it was like maybe 4 a.m. Grayson. He'll sleep
until you wake him up. So, that was good. But she and I were just watching
TV and she was in the boppy pillow and maybe I was just still delirious or
tired. But I could have sworn that she just looked right at me and then I
looked at her and it's like, what's up chick? You know, it was just the
first time that I felt some sort of connection to them. And, um, yeah,
that was, that was about it. How was the scar and the recover? Were you
nervous about that? But, you know. Mm, no, I know that every time that
people made rounds and they, um, in the morning and kept checking or even
my, my brother checked my scar because he stayed, um, with me the first
night that, um, the babies were born and, um, they kept saying that the
scar looked so great, you know, that you could barely see it. And, um, my
mother had ac section with me, um, when I was born and it was different
because, um, for me, they sliced me horizontally but for her, they sliced
her vertically to where there's still in, in indentation. You know, that I
see even when, you know, she's getting undressed or whatever and just, I
was grateful for that, you know, just for it to not be so, um obvious. Um
, but no, everybody said the scar looked great and I was like, thank you.
I healed it myself. I don't, I don't know what you want me to say. Um So
there was that um there was a little bit of regret around um like I look
at um like Beyonce when she um had all these curlers in her hair as she
was going into the hospital. Like if you Google it, she was getting all
prepped. So that way when she had the baby, she looked like totally
glamorous and beautiful. I didn't know that I needed a freaking makeup
squad because these are fucking keepsakes. This uh this is the first
family portrait and I look like shit right now. I didn't think about doing
my hair like I had my hair cut and kind of like a mohawk like it is right
now except my hair wasn't natural in the middle, it was relaxed. So it was
just all matted and gross and I wasn't allowed to wear my contacts because
they need to be able to do something in the surgery where they need access
to your eyeballs, you know, for anesthesia purposes. So I was wearing my
glasses. I didn't have any makeup on my nose was like the Jackson five
like, like it was the Jackson 25. It was just so wide and, and not sexy
and you know, some I remember reading in parents magazines where they're
like, you know, buy your own hospital gown I'm like, that's stupid. But in
hindsight to have on this blue rag that's like, just hanging off my
shoulders. I just, I wish I would have looked prettier, you know, for all
of those people to come and visit me and, you know, say congratulations. A
lot of people came and I just look, you know, it was just not the keepsake
, but it's not, I can't do a do over. It's, it's there. It's, that's what
it is. And um, oh, this is an important part. So after the Children were
born and I first did meet them, my daughter was as white as snow. Now,
their father is African American. He's a little um, lighter skinned, like
I would say he's like a hazelnut latte, you know, to my like darker
chestnut, but she was as white as this paper and I have curly hair so does
the father, but she had slick jet black hair. So for me to have fallen
asleep and then to have woken up with these two people. Now I'm already
starting to question whether or not that's my daughter because she looks
like a little Japanese baby. So I, I nudged my mom like, hey, hey, you,
you was here for this, right? This is like the same tag. This is not like
a switcheroo like we saw in like Punky Brewster back in the eighties or
something like that. She's like, no, that is your daughter. Uh She said I
I thought it was a little strange too but, you know, eventually she did,
you know, reflect a complexion. That was a little more African American
than Asian. But, um, yeah, that just made it a little more detached as
well and pissed me off to not know without a shadow of a doubt that that
was my daughter there. It was just, uh, I'll pull up the picture white as
snow girl, I mean, against my chest just, just, just white.
So, yeah, that's it. All right. Well, we should wrap up soon because you
have to get going. But can you say a couple things about home life like
that? You know, um, just having the two little ones was your mom a big
help. Like the mom was a huge help. Um, yeah, especially because it felt
like um, in the womb they had like a secret meeting where they were like,
ok, when we get out of here, I'm basically, I'm gonna fall asleep at two
and then you're gonna wake up at 210, right? And you'll be hungry and then
momma feed you and then you'll burp and then you'll start to fall asleep.
So everything will be all good until about 3 a.m. and then I'm gonna get
up because I need to poop now. So she needs to change me. It's like they
had their own regimented schedule that made it clear that they did not
want mom to sleep for like the first five or six months, they just did not
want to do that. So I would have to say that after about five months or
six months is when I really started to feel a connection to them, maybe is
the, you know, um weaning off from sleep deprivation where, you know, I
could actually contemplate, you know, what I was doing and starting to get
into a routine a little bit. Um I think it was the fact that their
personality started to show a little bit, like I would know that, you know
, Bella really likes sweet potatoes, you know, and that Grayson hated ice
cream and just to know some of those things and start to identify what
their personality traits were, really started to help me build a closer
connection to them. Um, yeah, that, that was really helpful. But no, I did
have a lot of help from, um, my mom, um, for the first couple of months
and then I got a job offer at Nike and decided to move to Oregon, um, when
my Children were three months old. So that was stupid. So, newborns, new
job, new town. Um, I did have some, um, surrounding family that helped out
every now and then. Um, but it, um, a, a year later I was just homesick
and ended up quitting like the best job ever. But I, I, it made me realize
that I needed more of a support system and just family around that were
able to help and able to love them and spend time with them and, and I
really feel like we moved back in 2011 and I feel like it was just the
best decision I ever made was moving back. And, um, they're great, they're
great kids. Uh, Bella's inquisitive and emotional like her mama and
Grayson is just like, she's such a boy and she's such a girl And um in the
traditional sense, which is too bad for my best friend because while I was
pregnant, um I don't know what was wrong with me, but I was like, I refuse
to have a baby shower where the theme is pink and blue because at that
time I knew that it was a boy and girl and I was like, look, I'm an artist
, ok? I'm not going to have my Children subjected to the hue of my
daughter being pink and my son being blue. That's not fair to them. They
are individual people. And I, I was, I must have been crazy, but my poor
best friend had to put together a green and yellow themed baby shower
where um it was requested amongst all the attendees to not bring anything
that was pink or blue. I was such a bitch. Yeah,
seriously. So much so and I'll show you the painting that I did because I
was trying to again control everything logistically and she was like, you
know, what? Here's some canvas and an easel. Why don't you paint something
that will signify the birth of your Children and then everybody can sign
it when they come through. I was like, that's a good idea. I'll do that.
So I have um, a painting of two peas in a pod and then every attendee who
came to the baby shower, um, signed it. And um, so the paintings right in
there, I'll show it to you. But, um, yeah, there, there are two peas in a
pod and we are the three musketeers for sure. That's the three of us. But
I, I have help from so many people and so many people that love them. And
, you know, sometimes I still try to do it all by myself because I don't
wanna burden anybody because it was my decision. It was my choice to bring
them into the world and I don't want to, you know, inconvenience anybody
and, you know, that's my pride talking but I love them. We're family.
Ok. Last question. Ok. Um, so you were 30 when you got pregnant? And at
that point had you kind of been like if it happens, it happens if it
doesn't, it doesn't or had you thought maybe you were going to have
Children in the future or not at all? Oh, I knew I wanted to have Children.
I just, um, at the time I was, um, just breaking up with somebody who I
considered the love of my life. So, um I had contacted the children's
father just for, you know, it just makes me feel better to have a little
revenge sex, you know, just to feel better about myself after being
devastated. And I mean, that breakup kind of rocked me, which is why, um,
the children's father questioned whether or not he was the father because
he knew that I had just got done, you know, being um in a relationship
with, um, the other guy, but the other guy had a paternity test as soon as
the Children were born and he was not father. So it's like, ok process of
elimination, you know, so I contacted the father one more time just to let
him know like, you know, I had twins. He's like, wow, twins,
congratulations. Good for you. Good luck to you. Please don't contact me
again. And that's kind of how it went. But no, I had always planned to
have Children. I thought maybe I wanted more. Um, just in case I got into
a relationship with someone, you know, even now and, you know, if he
didn't have Children and yeah, I'll, I'll have, I'll have a baby for you,
you know. But um it just, it wasn't in the cards. It, it, it happened when
it needed to happen. Like I don't know what my life would have been like
if I had gotten to this point of being 36 we already know, the risks start
at 30. You know, and I, I wouldn't have wanted to be here trying
desperately to get pregnant and have a child now, you know, it's brought
about a lot of twists and turns, but I'm glad I had them when I had them.
It needed to happen the way it did.
So, I think we'll stop. I don't know what happened with this for two. Yeah
, I did it twice and then I think I messed it up. Now. It's recording
again.