WEBVTT 00:00:01.480 --> 00:00:08.226 OK. So this is for us, Elise um interviewing Felicia Penza on May 25th at 00:00:08.259 --> 00:00:13.286 310 for the creative push project. OK. So if you can take us all the way 00:00:13.319 --> 00:00:21.319 back to the conception, who, let's see, um The conception was unexpected. 00:00:23.329 --> 00:00:31.329 It, it certainly was not planned. Uh It was with a gentleman who, um I was 00:00:31.818 --> 00:00:39.417 dating casually and, uh but we had known each other for over a year but, 00:00:39.450 --> 00:00:46.436 uh you know, yeah, it just 00:00:46.469 --> 00:00:52.987 the throes of passion, I guess, you know, just, uh 00:00:53.020 --> 00:00:56.945 just always connecting with someone, just physically and, and um uh 00:00:56.978 --> 00:01:02.116 hopefully emotionally is something there's something profound in that 00:01:02.149 --> 00:01:07.967 moment. So I, I guess for me, uh you know, I definitely remember the 00:01:08.000 --> 00:01:15.296 moment that it happened, you know, in October of 2009. And um yeah, that's 00:01:15.329 --> 00:01:18.697 it. Did you get the feeling you were pregnant right away or did, how did 00:01:18.730 --> 00:01:24.846 that reveal itself? Oh, no. Um I did not know that I was pregnant right 00:01:24.879 --> 00:01:32.879 away. I think it was more um, for me, II I, my period rises and falls like 00:01:33.620 --> 00:01:40.786 the moon like it's, you know, pretty often there's no, you know, TV. Show 00:01:40.819 --> 00:01:44.096 where? Oh, I didn't, can't believe I was pregnant or didn't know I was 00:01:44.129 --> 00:01:48.176 pregnant for six months. No, immediately after 30 days happened. I was 00:01:48.209 --> 00:01:53.217 like, huh? You know, where, where's, you know, where's Anne Flo at? So, uh 00:01:53.250 --> 00:01:57.656 , I went and got some pregnancy tests. I remember I was, um, living with 00:01:57.689 --> 00:02:05.689 my roommate at the time and, uh, it came out very faint and, um, positive 00:02:05.909 --> 00:02:11.055 and I remember waking him up at like 430 in the morning and I was like, no 00:02:11.088 --> 00:02:15.446 , this isn't, this isn't a plus sign, is it? He said no girl, you pregnant 00:02:15.479 --> 00:02:19.495 ? Just 00:02:19.528 --> 00:02:24.846 I was like, are you sure, let's look again. So, you know, um, it went from 00:02:24.879 --> 00:02:31.017 me doing that to thinking that after seeing TV shows and so many things 00:02:31.050 --> 00:02:34.366 that you're supposed to go to the doctor and confirm through a blood test 00:02:34.399 --> 00:02:38.626 or anything like that. And they were like, no, you're pregnant just if 00:02:38.659 --> 00:02:42.846 that's what you're seeing as a result, I'm like, but they say that there's 00:02:42.879 --> 00:02:49.186 false positives sometimes. No. Did you have intercourse? Yes. Oh, ok. So 00:02:49.219 --> 00:02:55.616 I'm pregnant so that it was just that. And what was that? So it was four 00:02:55.649 --> 00:02:58.536 in the morning when you, it was, this is very early in the, did you go 00:02:58.569 --> 00:03:02.975 back to sleep or lay in bed just like at the ceiling? Oh, no, I waited for 00:03:03.008 --> 00:03:09.517 like a Planned Parenthood or a clinic to open like at six am and was like 00:03:09.550 --> 00:03:14.505 their first call to say hi. So I just, I have this pregnancy test here and 00:03:14.538 --> 00:03:20.686 it's saying positive. Like I don't, I was, I think I was, yeah, I was 30 00:03:20.719 --> 00:03:25.436 years old at the time. I sounded like a 14 year old, you know, child, I 00:03:25.469 --> 00:03:30.126 don't know if the instructions say positive and that means pregnant. Right. 00:03:30.159 --> 00:03:35.896 So, um, yeah, they were like, no, you're pregnant. There's no point in 00:03:35.929 --> 00:03:43.929 you coming down here, you're pregnant. So um from there, I um of course, 00:03:44.719 --> 00:03:49.275 did the thing which I thought was ridiculous when I would look at 00:03:49.308 --> 00:03:54.335 different movies where a woman would panic over being pregnant. And by 00:03:54.368 --> 00:03:58.305 like 15, I'm like, why would you do that? It, the, it says that you're 00:03:58.338 --> 00:04:03.289 pregnant, you're pretty much certain from the first time. But I, I for 00:04:03.322 --> 00:04:07.518 some reason thought that, you know, it would be like, like share like 00:04:07.551 --> 00:04:11.898 turning back time, like it would just happen where it would be like psych. 00:04:11.931 --> 00:04:16.308 No, that was a false positive, but now about three pregnancies later and 00:04:16.341 --> 00:04:19.669 I tried different brands. I was like, ok, let me try the one with the 00:04:19.702 --> 00:04:25.279 digital screen because that one is like, that's a $19 you know, pregnancy 00:04:25.312 --> 00:04:29.373 test. That's, that's serious. They, you know, you're investing the money, 00:04:29.406 --> 00:04:32.532 they're gonna let you know for sure whether or not you're pregnant or not. 00:04:32.565 --> 00:04:37.402 Instead of like the $7.01 that I got from. You know, the 99 cent store. 00:04:37.435 --> 00:04:43.933 So um no, all of them all cross in every brand read, you know, pregnant or 00:04:43.966 --> 00:04:50.627 ? Congratulations. And, you know, I just wish that it just, I wish the 00:04:50.660 --> 00:04:56.866 boxes had much more um accurate depictions of people's reactions to, to 00:04:56.899 --> 00:05:02.346 pregnancy, you know, just because my, my head was just in my hands. Like, 00:05:02.379 --> 00:05:08.176 what, what did I do? You know, instead of the Yay Toyota type of, you know 00:05:08.209 --> 00:05:15.486 , it, that, that did not happen. So, but it was, it wasn't like I wasn't 00:05:15.519 --> 00:05:21.507 devastated. I was like, ok, especially because, um, I had been pregnant 00:05:21.540 --> 00:05:28.817 before and, um, terminated, uh, three times before and all of them were 00:05:28.850 --> 00:05:33.046 for valid reasons. Um, well, I mean, as valid as you can get about 00:05:33.079 --> 00:05:37.526 terminating a life, I don't want to be insensitive to that. But once I was 00:05:37.559 --> 00:05:42.697 18 and then twice I was 25 and I hadn't finished school yet. But, you know 00:05:42.730 --> 00:05:48.877 , I'm 30 now. We've got a job, we've got a salary job. I've, you know, got 00:05:48.910 --> 00:05:54.166 my family around me. Like there's no real valid excuse other than the fact 00:05:54.199 --> 00:05:59.317 that I'm not married and in a traditional sense, this was not the scenario 00:05:59.350 --> 00:06:04.676 that you're supposed to move forward with when you're with child. So I was 00:06:04.709 --> 00:06:11.955 like, I can do this. So I think it went from, um, a state of, it wasn't 00:06:11.988 --> 00:06:16.916 even shock. It was like, it was disbelief for a moment because I, I guess 00:06:16.949 --> 00:06:22.611 I just had that little bit of how did this happen. And, you know, of 00:06:22.644 --> 00:06:26.551 course, my funny roommate was like, well, when two men and women really 00:06:26.584 --> 00:06:31.351 come together and, you know, their bodies connect and I was, like, shut up 00:06:31.384 --> 00:06:37.661 , you know, I get it, I had intercourse and it brought about a child. So I 00:06:37.694 --> 00:06:43.390 would from then on, um, I thought I was gonna be ok, especially because it 00:06:43.423 --> 00:06:47.887 wasn't a one night stand. It wasn't, although it was something where we 00:06:47.920 --> 00:06:55.026 weren't in an exclusive relationship. I felt confident enough that um he 00:06:55.059 --> 00:07:03.059 would be present and, and that made me feel better. So, yeah. So how did 00:07:03.238 --> 00:07:07.395 you break the news? Um 00:07:07.428 --> 00:07:15.346 I texted him and uh said we should talk at some time. When are you free? 00:07:15.379 --> 00:07:21.507 Uh It's not something that you wanna talk about over the phone. Um So he 00:07:21.540 --> 00:07:26.856 said he was unavailable. So I think the fact that I kept pressing for a 00:07:26.889 --> 00:07:32.526 date of his availability kept triggering that maybe something was wrong 00:07:32.559 --> 00:07:36.937 because before, because of our casual relationship, it was like, hey, what 00:07:36.970 --> 00:07:40.426 are you up to, man? I'm, you know, hanging out with the guys. Ok. No. Hit 00:07:40.459 --> 00:07:44.520 me up this weekend. No, you're not available to. Well, what are you doing 00:07:44.553 --> 00:07:50.801 on Wednesday morning uh for like brunch, you know, are you available? No. 00:07:50.834 --> 00:07:56.120 Ok, then maybe we can meet for lunch or no, maybe dinner. So he was like, 00:07:56.153 --> 00:08:03.281 what's going on and all of this all happened through text and, um, where I 00:08:03.314 --> 00:08:09.205 said finally because it was like, obviously, I'm not gonna get you to meet 00:08:09.238 --> 00:08:17.238 me face to face. So I'm pregnant and, uh, I think that, um, because of our 00:08:17.250 --> 00:08:22.846 casual situation that maybe you should get yourself tested because you 00:08:22.879 --> 00:08:29.887 assured me that you had a vasectomy. So, um, if that's the case, then we 00:08:29.920 --> 00:08:35.096 should start arranging for a lawsuit for your doctor because this is just 00:08:35.129 --> 00:08:41.966 , I'm not the Virgin Mary here. So obviously something happened that's 00:08:41.999 --> 00:08:46.304 inaccurate. So either you were dishonest with me or someone was dishonest 00:08:46.337 --> 00:08:51.855 with you. Um, either way I'm just trying, I'm not even upset. I mean, it's 00:08:51.888 --> 00:08:58.235 what's done is done, but the fact that either you were knowledgeable of 00:08:58.268 --> 00:09:01.846 that or not knowledgeable of that, perhaps you should let your other 00:09:01.879 --> 00:09:08.057 partners know if that's the case. And he said, well, I have a signed 00:09:08.090 --> 00:09:16.090 document from my doctor. So it, I don't think that that's mine. But if we 00:09:16.149 --> 00:09:21.917 , if you wanna go take care of it, I will certainly, um, provide you the 00:09:21.950 --> 00:09:27.986 money to do that. So you're gonna give me money. But at the same time, it 00:09:28.019 --> 00:09:34.836 couldn't be you. That's silly. So, as I, you know, move forward with the 00:09:34.869 --> 00:09:38.775 process, there were a lot of other things that I were revealed to me that 00:09:38.808 --> 00:09:45.496 , you know, showed his dishonesty and, you know, uh, that was just the 00:09:45.529 --> 00:09:53.086 first stage of it, but that was me telling him and him um suggesting that 00:09:53.119 --> 00:09:59.047 I terminate the pregnancy and me expressing to him that no dear. Um I 00:09:59.080 --> 00:10:03.686 think the fact that I've terminated pregnancies three times in the past. 00:10:03.719 --> 00:10:08.467 Ok. Now, now I'm just going to burn in hell, like like on one of those 00:10:08.500 --> 00:10:13.650 rotisserie like, you know, like a pig in hell. So I won't even just be 00:10:13.683 --> 00:10:20.342 sitting with like a cup of water in hell. I will be on a spit just 00:10:20.375 --> 00:10:25.140 rotating around so that people can just eat the little pieces of my 00:10:25.173 --> 00:10:32.525 carcass. Like that's how badly that would make me feel if I terminated yet 00:10:32.558 --> 00:10:37.015 another pregnancy. So I'm not gonna do that. So I tried to explain that to 00:10:37.048 --> 00:10:44.576 him to which he understood and somehow it transitioned from not having a 00:10:44.609 --> 00:10:51.157 vasectomy to OK. Now you're not terminating well, even if it is mine. Um 00:10:51.190 --> 00:10:57.015 The fact that it was not conceived in love is not anything that I'm going 00:10:57.048 --> 00:11:03.375 to lay claim for or acknowledge. So if you obviously you're choosing to 00:11:03.408 --> 00:11:10.106 move forward with this pregnancy, so good luck to you. And that was that 00:11:10.139 --> 00:11:17.015 and I just didn't want to. I, I guess I immediately went into, 00:11:17.048 --> 00:11:22.736 I won't say survival mode, but once I knew that that parental unit was 00:11:22.769 --> 00:11:28.557 extracted, I knew I needed to recalibrate my entire game plan. Uh There, 00:11:28.590 --> 00:11:34.047 there was no figuring out, you know, visitation or child support or 00:11:34.080 --> 00:11:40.015 anything this was all on me. So in the midst of all of that, I guess I 00:11:40.048 --> 00:11:45.736 just went into survival mode. So that was me telling him. 00:11:45.769 --> 00:11:51.696 So, um how was it, um, you know, at those beginning stages where you 00:11:51.729 --> 00:11:55.696 started to actually feel pregnant and then the process of being pregnant, 00:11:55.729 --> 00:12:02.066 were there any surprises? What was the experience like for you? Um 00:12:02.099 --> 00:12:04.956 I think I was just 00:12:04.989 --> 00:12:10.755 the whole experience of being pregnant was 00:12:10.788 --> 00:12:18.788 I, I regret not savoring it more because, uh at the time I was working for 00:12:20.619 --> 00:12:27.025 a magazine in Scottsdale and I was the designer there, but they had been 00:12:27.058 --> 00:12:34.635 um wooed into moving their um location to California. Um, so that they 00:12:34.668 --> 00:12:39.436 could be a part of a reality television program that all talked about the 00:12:39.469 --> 00:12:44.936 inner workings of, you know, a magazine which was really great. But at the 00:12:44.969 --> 00:12:50.177 time I was four or five months pregnant where they, when they decided to 00:12:50.210 --> 00:12:56.446 relocate to West Hollywood, California, they offered me the same salary to 00:12:56.479 --> 00:13:03.625 move to California. Ok, to West Hollywood where I didn't know anyone and 00:13:03.658 --> 00:13:09.885 where I was still required to work like a 60 to 80 hour work week. So at, 00:13:09.918 --> 00:13:14.667 you know, forget daycare or Children or anything, like everyone in that 00:13:14.700 --> 00:13:19.366 atmosphere that, that I was working at, at the time did not have Children 00:13:19.399 --> 00:13:23.895 or maybe they were married, but that was just not a part of the lifestyle 00:13:23.928 --> 00:13:29.816 or the scene. So me working and, you know, airbrushing, you know, the 00:13:29.849 --> 00:13:34.467 cover of, you know, this magazine or something like that. I already knew 00:13:34.500 --> 00:13:39.596 that that period of my life was starting to draw to a close. So the fact 00:13:39.629 --> 00:13:45.066 that it all ended as I was pregnant, I got laid off at five months, five 00:13:45.099 --> 00:13:50.606 months pregnant. So, um 00:13:50.639 --> 00:13:55.436 I was not only still trying to plan everything but prep for everything. So 00:13:55.469 --> 00:14:03.469 , um I would say that the whole pregnancy experience was a blur for me. 00:14:05.178 --> 00:14:12.326 But I think the thing that made um that gave me even more of a sense of 00:14:12.359 --> 00:14:17.846 urgency was me laying in the stirrups and I was with my girlfriend um 00:14:17.879 --> 00:14:23.326 during my lunch hour to go and get my, you know, ultrasound. Um and she 00:14:23.359 --> 00:14:28.255 was my coworker at the magazine I was working at and um the nurse came in 00:14:28.288 --> 00:14:33.086 and did the ultrasound and she was like, yeah, this is looking really good 00:14:33.119 --> 00:14:38.196 and both heartbeats are really steady. And I said my baby has two hearts 00:14:38.229 --> 00:14:43.505 and she said, no, no dear. Um that's twin A and that's twin B and that's 00:14:43.538 --> 00:14:49.167 how I found out that I was having twins. So my girlfriend coworker account 00:14:49.200 --> 00:14:54.015 is that for the rest of the um doctor's visit? I just kept muttering to 00:14:54.048 --> 00:14:59.167 myself, what am I gonna do with two babies? What am I gonna do with two 00:14:59.200 --> 00:15:06.967 babies? You know? So for me, I wish in hindsight that I had waited to tell 00:15:07.000 --> 00:15:13.486 people, but I was so panicked and wanted everyone to know so that they 00:15:13.519 --> 00:15:18.342 knew like na uh when the baby shower comes, you need to buy double of this. 00:15:18.375 --> 00:15:22.532 Like don't get just one cute dress. You need to get, you know, multiple 00:15:22.565 --> 00:15:26.611 things for me because you already know I'm doing it by myself and now I'm 00:15:26.644 --> 00:15:33.971 having two Children. So alert to the masses, I'm having twins and I, I 00:15:34.004 --> 00:15:37.971 just wish I could have surprised everybody in hindsight and just, I guess 00:15:38.004 --> 00:15:44.167 , you know, we'll, we'll get to the further part of the Children actually 00:15:44.200 --> 00:15:51.005 being here. But girl, if all you have is onesies and birth cloths and 00:15:51.038 --> 00:15:56.236 diapers and wipes and then food for them to eat. You're good. I, you don't 00:15:56.269 --> 00:16:02.206 need a little basin to, you know, give them baths or the little jumper 00:16:02.239 --> 00:16:08.826 ridiculous thing that you don't need any of that. You just need stuff to 00:16:08.859 --> 00:16:13.217 change them into when they throw up and you need to change their diapers 00:16:13.250 --> 00:16:17.236 and make sure they eat. And if you kept them alive at the end of the day, 00:16:17.269 --> 00:16:22.427 kudos to you, we don't need cute outfits. I didn't care anything about 00:16:22.460 --> 00:16:27.186 that once they were actually here and I just wish that I wouldn't have 00:16:27.219 --> 00:16:32.226 been in panic mode, but for me, I was taking on the role of not only the 00:16:32.259 --> 00:16:37.765 daddy to make sure that all of my finances were in order, I, I didn't have 00:16:37.798 --> 00:16:42.496 time to be the mama just, 00, she can't, do you know, do you want to come 00:16:42.529 --> 00:16:47.721 ? And no, we don't have time for that. Do we have the bassinet? Yeah. Do 00:16:47.754 --> 00:16:52.571 we have the stroller? How much is it? Let me go online and, and make sure 00:16:52.604 --> 00:16:56.601 I'm getting the one that's the most safe but still the most inexpensive. 00:16:56.634 --> 00:17:02.400 What should I register for? Like, for me when it comes to, um, panic mode 00:17:02.433 --> 00:17:06.141 , like some people run around with like a chicken with their head cut off 00:17:06.174 --> 00:17:10.936 and for me, logistics, soothe me and I guess that was the only way that I 00:17:10.969 --> 00:17:15.785 knew how to deal was just to try and plan as much as I could, which is 00:17:15.818 --> 00:17:21.585 ridiculous because you can never plan for a baby let alone too. Did that 00:17:21.618 --> 00:17:28.236 planning. Um Also uh go on to your birth process like, were you thinking 00:17:28.269 --> 00:17:31.717 about that or was it like, did you always know I was just gonna, I was 00:17:31.750 --> 00:17:35.506 gonna go to the hospital and blah, blah, blah. Um I would have to say that 00:17:35.539 --> 00:17:42.147 um me losing my job while being laid off was probably the best thing that 00:17:42.180 --> 00:17:49.647 ever happened to me and let me tell you why because the state paid for 00:17:49.680 --> 00:17:51.906 everything. 00:17:51.939 --> 00:17:59.939 So the fact that I had a um a multiple birth so I could elect to have ac 00:18:00.140 --> 00:18:07.285 section because I had a high risk pregnancy. So already I was like, sign 00:18:07.318 --> 00:18:13.107 me up for that. Let's, let's do the C section because I'm not trying to 00:18:13.140 --> 00:18:19.607 push, push. I'm not doing that if I don't have to, but it turned out, um, 00:18:19.640 --> 00:18:23.756 that just trying to plan the birth and all that stuff. I just thought 00:18:23.789 --> 00:18:27.867 everything was set up from there. I didn't have preeclampsia. I didn't 00:18:27.900 --> 00:18:32.226 have high blood pressure, which I was concerned about because I'm, you 00:18:32.259 --> 00:18:37.276 know, I'm a curvy girl, so I didn't know whether or not that those health 00:18:37.309 --> 00:18:41.436 choices and the fact that I am overweight was going to be something that 00:18:41.469 --> 00:18:48.061 impacted my Children. So I did try to walk, you know, when I could and um 00:18:48.094 --> 00:18:54.371 I just chuckle up water and with ice which I hate ice like normally. But 00:18:54.404 --> 00:19:00.311 for some reason, I was just craving ice and water and cranapple juice and 00:19:00.344 --> 00:19:06.272 cinnamon toast crunch like whenever it was accessible to me. Just, no, no 00:19:06.305 --> 00:19:12.446 , no, no, no, no, no. So um I would have to say as far as planning, yeah, 00:19:12.479 --> 00:19:16.305 there was the preparation but the hospital I just knew that the doctors 00:19:16.338 --> 00:19:20.467 were gonna do their job and that everything would be cool there. So I 00:19:20.500 --> 00:19:24.766 didn't really worry about that part so much. It was more the building up 00:19:24.799 --> 00:19:30.026 to it and the fact that during my pregnancy, I didn't, I mean it's just, 00:19:30.059 --> 00:19:35.936 it was 2010 man. I, I don't know, Pinterest wasn't booming back then, you 00:19:35.969 --> 00:19:42.986 know, it wasn't. I mean, Ipads were still like $1400 you know, so it just 00:19:43.019 --> 00:19:47.196 now everything is so accessible with your phone and downloading and stuff 00:19:47.229 --> 00:19:52.555 like that. I wish that there was just a better account of my, my journey 00:19:52.588 --> 00:19:57.446 as I was pregnant because, you know, I know there was a lot of blogging 00:19:57.479 --> 00:20:03.305 back in 2010 but nothing like what there is now. Like, I think in 00:20:03.338 --> 00:20:06.936 hindsight, I would have had like a episode every day of just my whole 00:20:06.969 --> 00:20:11.736 pregnancy experience. But um, I didn't have a lot of pictures. I didn't 00:20:11.769 --> 00:20:17.256 like for people to take pictures of me. Um I was a little ashamed because 00:20:17.289 --> 00:20:25.289 of just people asking, you know, you know, oh, you're pregnant. So who's 00:20:27.250 --> 00:20:35.250 the father? And I just, I guess I didn't realize how rude that is to ask. 00:20:37.709 --> 00:20:39.709 I'm sorry. But um, 00:20:41.828 --> 00:20:48.976 it's just wait for me to tell you my story instead of you being so blatant. 00:20:49.009 --> 00:20:53.956 You know, obviously it's something very personal or I mean, we're friends 00:20:53.989 --> 00:20:57.967 or we're at least acquaintances. If you haven't seen a gentleman caller 00:20:58.000 --> 00:21:03.156 around, then obviously, you know, this wasn't the scenario that I was 00:21:03.189 --> 00:21:09.446 hoping for. So let's retell it while I'm pregnant and already emotional 00:21:09.479 --> 00:21:13.857 and make you feel better to be in the know about my story about this guy 00:21:13.890 --> 00:21:20.486 completely, you know, disappearing into vapor. That's cool. You know, so 00:21:20.519 --> 00:21:26.186 it just, it was fun being pregnant. 00:21:26.219 --> 00:21:30.776 It was just stressful and I felt like the only thing I could do was plan I 00:21:30.809 --> 00:21:36.815 was living with my mom at the time and just trying to save money and just 00:21:36.848 --> 00:21:44.535 prepare as much as I could. So that's it with that. Can you describe the 00:21:44.568 --> 00:21:51.117 sensation of carrying twins? Like I can't even wrap my brain off if you've 00:21:51.150 --> 00:21:56.055 and I don't even know if I can say her name on here. But if, if you've 00:21:56.088 --> 00:22:03.176 ever watched the movie Aliens With Sigourney Weaver, that is what it felt 00:22:03.209 --> 00:22:10.835 like to me, like people, like, I, I just, I, I curse every movie that has 00:22:10.868 --> 00:22:16.456 pregnant women in them because it's, or, you know, that's, that's, that's 00:22:16.489 --> 00:22:22.916 unfair because some people really feel that connection or I, I think like 00:22:22.949 --> 00:22:27.916 , even when I was in the stirrups and I was, you know, going to confirm my 00:22:27.949 --> 00:22:33.676 pregnancy and, you know, like you, you'll see on TV, where they say, oh my 00:22:33.709 --> 00:22:40.186 God, that's the heartbeat and oh, the flutter and I'm like, ok, you know, 00:22:40.219 --> 00:22:46.347 and you know, oh, I saw the flutter. I heard the heart beat and felt 00:22:46.380 --> 00:22:52.956 immediately connected to them. That did not happen for me. And, um, so 00:22:52.989 --> 00:22:57.156 that didn't happen either. It just felt really strange and foreign and 00:22:57.189 --> 00:23:01.795 like, you know, just to see a foot, like the imprint of a foot just move 00:23:01.828 --> 00:23:06.516 across your tummy. I felt like an alien was about to burst through my 00:23:06.549 --> 00:23:10.186 belly, like supporting Weaver. That's the best way to describe it. That's 00:23:10.219 --> 00:23:15.315 how it felt to me it was just very foreign and, and strange and I just 00:23:15.348 --> 00:23:22.325 felt like I just had gas all the time. I peed all the time 00:23:22.358 --> 00:23:25.877 all the time. Like, even when I tried to, you know what, I'm not gonna 00:23:25.910 --> 00:23:29.315 drink this, you know, cup of water because immediately I'm gonna have to 00:23:29.348 --> 00:23:33.236 get up and I felt bad because all my friends had to literally forklift me 00:23:33.269 --> 00:23:38.676 , you know, off of every, you know, sitting position possible so that I 00:23:38.709 --> 00:23:42.781 can go to the bathroom all the time. You know, it's just so I felt like I 00:23:42.814 --> 00:23:48.081 was inconveniencing them and they were just regaling and telling me I was 00:23:48.114 --> 00:23:53.242 glowing, I was like, I'm hot, I'm sweating, I'm not glowing. It that, that 00:23:53.275 --> 00:23:57.680 sweat coming out of my pores, stop trying to make this a beautiful 00:23:57.713 --> 00:24:03.641 experience because it is not. So that was that this, this has definitely 00:24:03.674 --> 00:24:08.666 been an interesting process because um I had a lot of difficulty with my 00:24:08.699 --> 00:24:12.305 pregnancy and then some moments of giving birth and then still feeling a 00:24:12.338 --> 00:24:18.486 little disconnected and I had that like rush of tears and you know, and so 00:24:18.519 --> 00:24:22.897 , but it, it is something that you almost have some guilt about because 00:24:22.930 --> 00:24:27.736 there is this projection of, you know, women, you're right, like glowing 00:24:27.769 --> 00:24:31.607 and caressing their bellies and talking to their future babies and having 00:24:31.640 --> 00:24:35.335 this sort of connection that some, some is like, what's wrong with me? Why 00:24:35.368 --> 00:24:38.726 am I you know, I'm not that same headspace, but this has been a great 00:24:38.759 --> 00:24:43.436 opportunity for women to hear all kinds of experiences and then to have 00:24:43.469 --> 00:24:47.446 that to relate to them. Like I'm having that same experience and, you know 00:24:47.479 --> 00:24:51.916 , totally. So thank you so much for being willing to share your 00:24:51.949 --> 00:24:56.815 perspective on the experience. Of course. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, um as the 00:24:56.848 --> 00:25:00.476 date started to get closer, how did like the whole scheduling go you had, 00:25:00.509 --> 00:25:08.416 did you just pick a birth day? You know, um, my due date was August 23rd. 00:25:08.449 --> 00:25:14.946 Um, if I wanted to give birth naturally. Um, but August, um, it was just a 00:25:14.979 --> 00:25:19.226 matter of the doctor and the scheduling and she was like, I'm available on 00:25:19.259 --> 00:25:23.637 this day. I was like, cool, I think my mom's off that day, so we'll just 00:25:23.670 --> 00:25:27.726 do it for August 3rd. That sounds good. And it happened to be my, um, my 00:25:27.759 --> 00:25:35.759 favorite aunt's, um, birthday. So, um, yeah, it, it just all worked out 00:25:36.529 --> 00:25:41.416 for that day. I think it was a Tuesday. It was a Tuesday. Did you have 00:25:41.449 --> 00:25:45.926 that sense of like, I'm gonna walk in there as like one person and come 00:25:45.959 --> 00:25:53.959 out as three in a way. I knew it was gonna happen 00:25:53.959 --> 00:25:58.857 but I didn't know it was gonna happen. 00:25:58.890 --> 00:26:06.045 Yeah. I, I knew that I was, that I was going to be a mother but I didn't 00:26:06.078 --> 00:26:12.496 know what that meant when, as I was going into the hospital, uh, it just 00:26:12.529 --> 00:26:19.006 felt like I was going in for a procedure and I knew what the ultimate 00:26:19.039 --> 00:26:23.545 result was going to be, but it just didn't feel real. It just felt like we 00:26:23.578 --> 00:26:27.916 were pretending a little bit like I was a part of some exercise and 00:26:27.949 --> 00:26:31.647 instead of a pet rock, it was just something, you know, that they like in 00:26:31.680 --> 00:26:36.107 , you know, inserted into me and it was like, ok, now we're gonna have 00:26:36.140 --> 00:26:40.426 this fake baby come out of you. Like it's all just a joke, you know, like 00:26:40.459 --> 00:26:46.766 , like Joe Schmo or something on Spike TV. It was like, I just, I didn't, 00:26:46.799 --> 00:26:53.416 I guess I was just still kind of, it was just all surreal. 00:26:53.449 --> 00:26:59.795 Um Can you describe that experience of the C section? Some people talk 00:26:59.828 --> 00:27:04.236 about the medication and the process being a mirror. Well, I remember 00:27:04.269 --> 00:27:08.666 being pissed at my mom because, um, during my, that's, that's another 00:27:08.699 --> 00:27:14.867 thing during my whole pregnancy. Um my, um, in my mouth, it was the taste 00:27:14.900 --> 00:27:20.377 of metal just the whole time. So I basically, other than cinnamon toast, 00:27:20.410 --> 00:27:25.276 crunch, cranapple juice and water. I sucked on peppermints all the time. 00:27:25.309 --> 00:27:28.847 Like I just bought them in bulk and just popped one in my mouth whenever 00:27:28.880 --> 00:27:33.357 I needed them. So the date of my birth, we were or of my children's birth 00:27:33.390 --> 00:27:38.815 , we were driving to the hospital and I was like, I need a peppermint in 00:27:38.848 --> 00:27:42.065 the worst way. And she's like, well, the doctor said not to eat anything. 00:27:42.098 --> 00:27:47.666 I'm like, woman, you know, this is not a steak that I'm eating, it's a 00:27:47.699 --> 00:27:53.627 piece of peppermint. Like I feel like I'm gonna throw up. So give it to me. 00:27:53.660 --> 00:27:58.387 So we basically argued about it the whole time and, um, as they were 00:27:58.420 --> 00:28:02.035 prepping me for the surgery and everything like that, I was just pissed at 00:28:02.068 --> 00:28:08.065 her the whole time, which is a really great state of mind to be in. Um, 00:28:08.098 --> 00:28:13.486 but, you know, like play pissed off but, you know, we were fine. But, um, 00:28:13.519 --> 00:28:19.676 so are you ready to hear about the, the birth, the actual birth? Ok. So, 00:28:19.709 --> 00:28:23.446 um, all the doctors came in, you know, there were different doctors at 00:28:23.479 --> 00:28:27.815 certain points taking my blood pressure and just checking the heart rates 00:28:27.848 --> 00:28:35.117 of the kids. They put these like two belts on, on my stomach just to 00:28:35.150 --> 00:28:41.946 monitor both of them. And, um, oh my God, I was so huge and my tits were 00:28:41.979 --> 00:28:48.186 so huge. Jesus, like, like the size of 00:28:48.219 --> 00:28:53.867 a, a medicine ball. I'm not kidding. Not even a basketball, a medicine 00:28:53.900 --> 00:28:58.016 ball that you just lunge towards someone's head and you just duck because 00:28:58.049 --> 00:29:05.476 it's just lethal. I it's just, it was very unpleasant. But, um, so I 00:29:05.509 --> 00:29:11.835 remember getting, um, the little, um, netted hat put on my head. Um, I 00:29:11.868 --> 00:29:17.736 remember being wheeled into the operating room. Um, it was cold but I'm 00:29:17.769 --> 00:29:23.285 always cold but in particular hospitals are always cold. Um It was just a 00:29:23.318 --> 00:29:29.127 hue of blue that was um around me, it was a um maybe about four or five 00:29:29.160 --> 00:29:34.686 people that were in the operating room and um they let me know that they 00:29:34.719 --> 00:29:39.516 were gonna administer a needle into my spine. So there was someone behind 00:29:39.549 --> 00:29:43.026 me and then there were two kind of flanking me just to make sure I didn't 00:29:43.059 --> 00:29:48.456 jerk back or react a certain way. And um somebody right in front of me 00:29:48.489 --> 00:29:53.377 just to give me support and just talk me through the entire process. So 00:29:53.410 --> 00:30:01.410 that was comforting. Um But then the needle was administered and um which 00:30:01.449 --> 00:30:08.426 wasn't like um excruciatingly painful. It was just like, and then 00:30:08.459 --> 00:30:14.486 immediately I started to feel my heart race. So I'm, I'm not sure, I think 00:30:14.519 --> 00:30:19.545 I'm not allergic to anesthesia, but I'm just very sensitive to it because 00:30:19.578 --> 00:30:24.335 immediately I just started to hyperventilate and this has happened in like 00:30:24.368 --> 00:30:28.085 dentist's office like when I get my wisdom teeth out or whatever, like, 00:30:28.118 --> 00:30:33.357 and they tell you not to sit up when that happens, they prefer that you 00:30:33.390 --> 00:30:38.397 keep laying down, which doesn't help because I, I just feel like someone 00:30:38.430 --> 00:30:46.347 is suffocating me right in my throat. So, um as that started to happen, um 00:30:46.380 --> 00:30:54.380 I heard like an alarm or a siren go off and then um I started to drift off 00:30:54.489 --> 00:30:59.176 and then when I woke up, there were two babies like on the side, in this 00:30:59.209 --> 00:31:03.926 little carrier right here, like in this little glass table getting weighed 00:31:03.959 --> 00:31:09.847 and all this stuff. So I don't remember anything else. So, my mother's 00:31:09.880 --> 00:31:14.676 account of what happened was because they were wheeling me in, they were 00:31:14.709 --> 00:31:17.946 letting my mother know that I was getting administered with the anesthesia 00:31:17.979 --> 00:31:23.045 and then telling her to put on the, you know, scrubs and all of the, um, 00:31:23.078 --> 00:31:27.305 things that she needed to be appropriate to go into the operating room. 00:31:27.338 --> 00:31:34.045 And um, apparently my son's uh heart rate started to drop. So I'm not sure 00:31:34.078 --> 00:31:38.006 if it was because of the anesthesia or why he was already a little 00:31:38.039 --> 00:31:43.726 underweight um, throughout my pregnancy and um, I guess my daughter had 00:31:43.759 --> 00:31:50.065 been eating all of the food. So, um, he was, it was already a concern, 00:31:50.098 --> 00:31:55.585 which is why I wanted to do the C section. Um I didn't want something to 00:31:55.618 --> 00:32:01.016 go wrong where I'm in labor for, you know, 18 hours and then say, oh, well 00:32:01.049 --> 00:32:04.766 , the cord direct to run her next. So let's do ac section really quick. I 00:32:04.799 --> 00:32:08.946 was like, no, I'm not doing all that, you know, let's just err on the side 00:32:08.979 --> 00:32:12.686 of caution, let's just get her out of there and be done with or get them 00:32:12.719 --> 00:32:17.535 out of there and be done. So, Grace's heart rate started to drop and so 00:32:17.568 --> 00:32:21.815 somebody ran outside and said your grandson is about to be born in 10 00:32:21.848 --> 00:32:27.575 seconds. Get in here. So according to my mom, she walked through the doors 00:32:27.608 --> 00:32:32.835 and um, she said that she saw the inner workings of her daughter just 00:32:32.868 --> 00:32:38.976 lifted up and moved over and saw Grayson being lifted up and crying and 00:32:39.009 --> 00:32:44.887 was a little, he was a little blue. And um, she said the doctor paused for 00:32:44.920 --> 00:32:48.936 a moment as he, she uh, as he was being lifted up and looked back at my 00:32:48.969 --> 00:32:53.147 mom to see whether or not she was freaking out because my intestines, like 00:32:53.180 --> 00:32:57.916 all of me was just out there for her to see. And when she saw that my mom 00:32:57.949 --> 00:33:03.387 was not like going ballistic, she went back to what she was doing and 00:33:03.420 --> 00:33:10.637 somebody guided my mom over to sit right near my head. So from then 00:33:10.670 --> 00:33:15.877 Isabella's cord was wrapped around her neck. So I'm glad I did not go the 00:33:15.910 --> 00:33:21.045 way of just waiting it out or anything like that. So, um, they cut the 00:33:21.078 --> 00:33:26.936 cord and lifted her out maybe two minutes later. So Grayson was born at 00:33:26.969 --> 00:33:29.246 932 00:33:29.279 --> 00:33:34.637 and Bella was born like at 934 or 935. I know it was a three minute 00:33:34.670 --> 00:33:42.137 difference between the two of them. Um Bella was £6.08 ounces and Grayson 00:33:42.170 --> 00:33:50.170 was like £5 or something. Um, but or, or maybe £4 something because for a 00:33:50.449 --> 00:33:54.686 moment, they almost did not release him from the hospital because he had 00:33:54.719 --> 00:33:58.647 not gained the appropriate amount of weight for the four days that we were 00:33:58.680 --> 00:34:06.680 there um following the, the birth. So for me, um there, there's photos and 00:34:06.769 --> 00:34:13.675 I'll show them to you of me looking like with the, you know, gown and on 00:34:13.708 --> 00:34:18.876 the operating table. I'm looking at them, I don't recall that, but 00:34:18.909 --> 00:34:23.646 apparently I looked at them, you know, as they were sh to me and then was 00:34:23.679 --> 00:34:27.695 wheeled out immediately to recovery. And I just remember for a split 00:34:27.728 --> 00:34:31.986 second, waking up and seeing them flank to my left as they were being 00:34:32.019 --> 00:34:36.557 weighed and wiped down and all that stuff. And then I fell back asleep. So 00:34:36.590 --> 00:34:42.566 I really didn't wake up and meet my Children until we were in my actual 00:34:42.599 --> 00:34:46.836 hospital room. And 00:34:46.869 --> 00:34:53.445 it just, it just made things worse for me for a while because I was 00:34:53.478 --> 00:35:00.467 already detached from it. Um Not to say that I wasn't happy about it. I, I 00:35:00.500 --> 00:35:04.865 wanted these Children, I chose these Children. I knew that I was 00:35:04.898 --> 00:35:09.227 responsible for taking care of them. I knew that I would love them because 00:35:09.260 --> 00:35:14.787 my mother loves me. Uh It's just a mother's love is unconditional, but 00:35:14.820 --> 00:35:21.477 that those feelings did not come right away for me. Um And I think that 00:35:21.510 --> 00:35:27.626 how they came into the world impacted my dynamic with them for, for quite 00:35:27.659 --> 00:35:33.186 a while um to just fall asleep and then have these two people that I was 00:35:33.219 --> 00:35:38.467 just responsible for. Um, it just felt like I was babysitting for a while 00:35:38.500 --> 00:35:45.037 , especially given the fact that, um, although my father had Children from 00:35:45.070 --> 00:35:52.227 a previous marriage, my siblings are all in their late fifties right now 00:35:52.260 --> 00:35:58.517 and I'm 36. So I essentially grew up an only child because I'm the only 00:35:58.550 --> 00:36:06.247 product of my mother and father being married. So, um, my father, um, had 00:36:06.280 --> 00:36:12.296 a, uh, past where he was a sex offender. Um, he, there was nothing that he 00:36:12.329 --> 00:36:20.106 did to me but um those situations in my childhood, um limited me from 00:36:20.139 --> 00:36:25.827 having sleepovers and having girlfriends come over my house because I'm 00:36:25.860 --> 00:36:30.106 living in Iowa in a small town where everybody knows that my father is the 00:36:30.139 --> 00:36:35.425 sex offender. So it just limited my relationships and it limited my 00:36:35.458 --> 00:36:41.986 opportunity to babysit or interact with small Children and I didn't have 00:36:42.019 --> 00:36:46.856 any br little brothers and sisters. So this was all new territory to me, 00:36:46.889 --> 00:36:51.186 man. Like other than me babysitting my niece and nephew a couple of times 00:36:51.219 --> 00:36:59.219 , I had no experience with babies at all, let alone too two at the same 00:36:59.679 --> 00:37:03.595 time. So, you know, I went to the breastfeeding classes ahead of time 00:37:03.628 --> 00:37:09.307 which my brother um um teased me for, he was like the kid's gonna find 00:37:09.340 --> 00:37:13.956 your tit and, and do what it needs to do. But that is not the case, 00:37:13.989 --> 00:37:19.327 especially when it comes to having two Children. At the same time, I tried 00:37:19.360 --> 00:37:24.756 the whole holding them with the as footballs and cradling them with the 00:37:24.789 --> 00:37:32.577 little um half moon um um pillow thing so that I could prop them up. But 00:37:32.610 --> 00:37:37.126 here's the thing that happens with tits. Sometimes the milk comes in on 00:37:37.159 --> 00:37:41.486 one side and it doesn't on the other. Both of these fools are hungry right 00:37:41.519 --> 00:37:46.436 now. What are you supposed to do? You know, you can't alternate. They both 00:37:46.469 --> 00:37:52.006 need to eat. So I must have breast fed for about a week before I said fuck 00:37:52.039 --> 00:37:58.416 this shit and went and got formula immediately which again, the blessing 00:37:58.449 --> 00:38:04.816 of me losing my job was having wick and being able to get those canisters 00:38:04.849 --> 00:38:11.256 , which they ain't cheap honey to get those canisters a formula. When um I 00:38:11.289 --> 00:38:16.376 got some that just lasted like a week or whatever, it was like 70 or $80 00:38:16.409 --> 00:38:24.409 like $15 per can. Oh my God. So they just happened the way they needed to 00:38:25.219 --> 00:38:29.977 in that realm. I I feel blessed in, in regards to that. I did have a lot 00:38:30.010 --> 00:38:33.816 of supportive friends that like really helped out as far as getting me the 00:38:33.849 --> 00:38:38.896 car seats and the diapers and all that stuff. But when it came to like the 00:38:38.929 --> 00:38:45.006 , the tub or whatever and you know, it just washed them in the sink and 00:38:45.039 --> 00:38:50.095 you know, there was just some simple things that I learned on my own. But 00:38:50.128 --> 00:38:57.615 I would just have to say um in the hospital, it was just, 00:38:57.648 --> 00:39:02.615 it was just tough because I didn't know what they needed when they cried. 00:39:02.648 --> 00:39:07.767 And, you know, I had these nurses coming in and they instinctually knew 00:39:07.800 --> 00:39:13.436 what to do. And, um, one nurse pissed me off though, but it was just 00:39:13.469 --> 00:39:18.577 because she was from another culture where you can, I mean, she was just 00:39:18.610 --> 00:39:25.026 lifting the baby and handling them with such, it wasn't aggressive, but it 00:39:25.059 --> 00:39:32.106 was just very like, I just thought of them as porcelain and this woman was 00:39:32.139 --> 00:39:39.586 handling the baby like a football. And um, so that made me get a little 00:39:39.619 --> 00:39:44.327 more confident about it and maybe not take everything so make everything 00:39:44.360 --> 00:39:50.486 su such a precious moment. So, um, there was that, um, I don't know how in 00:39:50.519 --> 00:39:54.967 detail you want me to get about the fact that the catheter was still in me 00:39:55.000 --> 00:40:00.445 , you know, for the three or four days and it wasn't until they removed it 00:40:00.478 --> 00:40:08.291 on the last day. And I remember wearing the netted, you know, humiliating 00:40:08.324 --> 00:40:14.030 panties that they have uh with these huge gargantuan pads like they might 00:40:14.063 --> 00:40:18.432 as well just get you some depends and, and let you just push on with it. 00:40:18.465 --> 00:40:23.691 Um, but I remember that, I remember once I finally did get the cat 00:40:23.724 --> 00:40:31.724 catheter out trying to, um, um, take a poop and couldn't do that. And um, 00:40:32.168 --> 00:40:38.615 yeah, I, I think the, the thing that resonates for me 00:40:38.648 --> 00:40:45.776 was maybe the night before I left, um Isabella had woken up, she's always 00:40:45.809 --> 00:40:52.095 been an early bird. And, um, it was like maybe 4 a.m. Grayson. He'll sleep 00:40:52.128 --> 00:40:56.816 until you wake him up. So, that was good. But she and I were just watching 00:40:56.849 --> 00:41:02.736 TV and she was in the boppy pillow and maybe I was just still delirious or 00:41:02.769 --> 00:41:07.517 tired. But I could have sworn that she just looked right at me and then I 00:41:07.550 --> 00:41:12.577 looked at her and it's like, what's up chick? You know, it was just the 00:41:12.610 --> 00:41:18.767 first time that I felt some sort of connection to them. And, um, yeah, 00:41:18.800 --> 00:41:23.537 that was, that was about it. How was the scar and the recover? Were you 00:41:23.570 --> 00:41:29.865 nervous about that? But, you know. Mm, no, I know that every time that 00:41:29.898 --> 00:41:34.666 people made rounds and they, um, in the morning and kept checking or even 00:41:34.699 --> 00:41:38.956 my, my brother checked my scar because he stayed, um, with me the first 00:41:38.989 --> 00:41:44.727 night that, um, the babies were born and, um, they kept saying that the 00:41:44.760 --> 00:41:48.885 scar looked so great, you know, that you could barely see it. And, um, my 00:41:48.918 --> 00:41:55.247 mother had ac section with me, um, when I was born and it was different 00:41:55.280 --> 00:42:01.057 because, um, for me, they sliced me horizontally but for her, they sliced 00:42:01.090 --> 00:42:06.655 her vertically to where there's still in, in indentation. You know, that I 00:42:06.688 --> 00:42:11.796 see even when, you know, she's getting undressed or whatever and just, I 00:42:11.829 --> 00:42:18.816 was grateful for that, you know, just for it to not be so, um obvious. Um 00:42:18.849 --> 00:42:23.287 , but no, everybody said the scar looked great and I was like, thank you. 00:42:23.320 --> 00:42:29.865 I healed it myself. I don't, I don't know what you want me to say. Um So 00:42:29.898 --> 00:42:37.356 there was that um there was a little bit of regret around um like I look 00:42:37.389 --> 00:42:43.666 at um like Beyonce when she um had all these curlers in her hair as she 00:42:43.699 --> 00:42:48.747 was going into the hospital. Like if you Google it, she was getting all 00:42:48.780 --> 00:42:52.776 prepped. So that way when she had the baby, she looked like totally 00:42:52.809 --> 00:42:56.445 glamorous and beautiful. I didn't know that I needed a freaking makeup 00:42:56.478 --> 00:43:01.102 squad because these are fucking keepsakes. This uh this is the first 00:43:01.135 --> 00:43:06.872 family portrait and I look like shit right now. I didn't think about doing 00:43:06.905 --> 00:43:11.733 my hair like I had my hair cut and kind of like a mohawk like it is right 00:43:11.766 --> 00:43:15.943 now except my hair wasn't natural in the middle, it was relaxed. So it was 00:43:15.976 --> 00:43:21.501 just all matted and gross and I wasn't allowed to wear my contacts because 00:43:21.534 --> 00:43:26.398 they need to be able to do something in the surgery where they need access 00:43:26.431 --> 00:43:31.358 to your eyeballs, you know, for anesthesia purposes. So I was wearing my 00:43:31.391 --> 00:43:37.207 glasses. I didn't have any makeup on my nose was like the Jackson five 00:43:37.240 --> 00:43:44.559 like, like it was the Jackson 25. It was just so wide and, and not sexy 00:43:44.592 --> 00:43:49.026 and you know, some I remember reading in parents magazines where they're 00:43:49.059 --> 00:43:53.396 like, you know, buy your own hospital gown I'm like, that's stupid. But in 00:43:53.429 --> 00:43:58.717 hindsight to have on this blue rag that's like, just hanging off my 00:43:58.750 --> 00:44:02.925 shoulders. I just, I wish I would have looked prettier, you know, for all 00:44:02.958 --> 00:44:07.586 of those people to come and visit me and, you know, say congratulations. A 00:44:07.619 --> 00:44:13.026 lot of people came and I just look, you know, it was just not the keepsake 00:44:13.059 --> 00:44:18.586 , but it's not, I can't do a do over. It's, it's there. It's, that's what 00:44:18.619 --> 00:44:24.595 it is. And um, oh, this is an important part. So after the Children were 00:44:24.628 --> 00:44:32.628 born and I first did meet them, my daughter was as white as snow. Now, 00:44:32.958 --> 00:44:38.077 their father is African American. He's a little um, lighter skinned, like 00:44:38.110 --> 00:44:42.706 I would say he's like a hazelnut latte, you know, to my like darker 00:44:42.739 --> 00:44:50.739 chestnut, but she was as white as this paper and I have curly hair so does 00:44:51.610 --> 00:44:59.566 the father, but she had slick jet black hair. So for me to have fallen 00:44:59.599 --> 00:45:05.296 asleep and then to have woken up with these two people. Now I'm already 00:45:05.329 --> 00:45:08.635 starting to question whether or not that's my daughter because she looks 00:45:08.668 --> 00:45:14.695 like a little Japanese baby. So I, I nudged my mom like, hey, hey, you, 00:45:14.728 --> 00:45:18.767 you was here for this, right? This is like the same tag. This is not like 00:45:18.800 --> 00:45:23.186 a switcheroo like we saw in like Punky Brewster back in the eighties or 00:45:23.219 --> 00:45:26.497 something like that. She's like, no, that is your daughter. Uh She said I 00:45:26.530 --> 00:45:30.557 I thought it was a little strange too but, you know, eventually she did, 00:45:30.590 --> 00:45:35.635 you know, reflect a complexion. That was a little more African American 00:45:35.668 --> 00:45:41.206 than Asian. But, um, yeah, that just made it a little more detached as 00:45:41.239 --> 00:45:46.595 well and pissed me off to not know without a shadow of a doubt that that 00:45:46.628 --> 00:45:51.227 was my daughter there. It was just, uh, I'll pull up the picture white as 00:45:51.260 --> 00:45:59.260 snow girl, I mean, against my chest just, just, just white. 00:45:59.369 --> 00:46:04.017 So, yeah, that's it. All right. Well, we should wrap up soon because you 00:46:04.050 --> 00:46:08.307 have to get going. But can you say a couple things about home life like 00:46:08.340 --> 00:46:13.767 that? You know, um, just having the two little ones was your mom a big 00:46:13.800 --> 00:46:21.800 help. Like the mom was a huge help. Um, yeah, especially because it felt 00:46:22.739 --> 00:46:27.977 like um, in the womb they had like a secret meeting where they were like, 00:46:28.010 --> 00:46:32.876 ok, when we get out of here, I'm basically, I'm gonna fall asleep at two 00:46:32.909 --> 00:46:38.896 and then you're gonna wake up at 210, right? And you'll be hungry and then 00:46:38.929 --> 00:46:43.276 momma feed you and then you'll burp and then you'll start to fall asleep. 00:46:43.309 --> 00:46:47.217 So everything will be all good until about 3 a.m. and then I'm gonna get 00:46:47.250 --> 00:46:52.345 up because I need to poop now. So she needs to change me. It's like they 00:46:52.378 --> 00:46:57.217 had their own regimented schedule that made it clear that they did not 00:46:57.250 --> 00:47:03.046 want mom to sleep for like the first five or six months, they just did not 00:47:03.079 --> 00:47:11.079 want to do that. So I would have to say that after about five months or 00:47:11.320 --> 00:47:18.206 six months is when I really started to feel a connection to them, maybe is 00:47:18.239 --> 00:47:24.287 the, you know, um weaning off from sleep deprivation where, you know, I 00:47:24.320 --> 00:47:30.807 could actually contemplate, you know, what I was doing and starting to get 00:47:30.840 --> 00:47:35.077 into a routine a little bit. Um I think it was the fact that their 00:47:35.110 --> 00:47:39.236 personality started to show a little bit, like I would know that, you know 00:47:39.269 --> 00:47:44.905 , Bella really likes sweet potatoes, you know, and that Grayson hated ice 00:47:44.938 --> 00:47:50.736 cream and just to know some of those things and start to identify what 00:47:50.769 --> 00:47:56.436 their personality traits were, really started to help me build a closer 00:47:56.469 --> 00:48:02.416 connection to them. Um, yeah, that, that was really helpful. But no, I did 00:48:02.449 --> 00:48:08.456 have a lot of help from, um, my mom, um, for the first couple of months 00:48:08.489 --> 00:48:15.986 and then I got a job offer at Nike and decided to move to Oregon, um, when 00:48:16.019 --> 00:48:23.166 my Children were three months old. So that was stupid. So, newborns, new 00:48:23.199 --> 00:48:29.526 job, new town. Um, I did have some, um, surrounding family that helped out 00:48:29.559 --> 00:48:36.577 every now and then. Um, but it, um, a, a year later I was just homesick 00:48:36.610 --> 00:48:42.316 and ended up quitting like the best job ever. But I, I, it made me realize 00:48:42.349 --> 00:48:46.845 that I needed more of a support system and just family around that were 00:48:46.878 --> 00:48:52.256 able to help and able to love them and spend time with them and, and I 00:48:52.289 --> 00:48:56.967 really feel like we moved back in 2011 and I feel like it was just the 00:48:57.000 --> 00:49:04.497 best decision I ever made was moving back. And, um, they're great, they're 00:49:04.530 --> 00:49:11.356 great kids. Uh, Bella's inquisitive and emotional like her mama and 00:49:11.389 --> 00:49:18.816 Grayson is just like, she's such a boy and she's such a girl And um in the 00:49:18.849 --> 00:49:23.925 traditional sense, which is too bad for my best friend because while I was 00:49:23.958 --> 00:49:31.686 pregnant, um I don't know what was wrong with me, but I was like, I refuse 00:49:31.719 --> 00:49:37.006 to have a baby shower where the theme is pink and blue because at that 00:49:37.039 --> 00:49:40.425 time I knew that it was a boy and girl and I was like, look, I'm an artist 00:49:40.458 --> 00:49:45.865 , ok? I'm not going to have my Children subjected to the hue of my 00:49:45.898 --> 00:49:49.925 daughter being pink and my son being blue. That's not fair to them. They 00:49:49.958 --> 00:49:56.151 are individual people. And I, I was, I must have been crazy, but my poor 00:49:56.184 --> 00:50:03.720 best friend had to put together a green and yellow themed baby shower 00:50:03.753 --> 00:50:09.220 where um it was requested amongst all the attendees to not bring anything 00:50:09.253 --> 00:50:14.706 that was pink or blue. I was such a bitch. Yeah, 00:50:14.739 --> 00:50:20.497 seriously. So much so and I'll show you the painting that I did because I 00:50:20.530 --> 00:50:25.635 was trying to again control everything logistically and she was like, you 00:50:25.668 --> 00:50:30.396 know, what? Here's some canvas and an easel. Why don't you paint something 00:50:30.429 --> 00:50:34.356 that will signify the birth of your Children and then everybody can sign 00:50:34.389 --> 00:50:38.236 it when they come through. I was like, that's a good idea. I'll do that. 00:50:38.269 --> 00:50:44.747 So I have um, a painting of two peas in a pod and then every attendee who 00:50:44.780 --> 00:50:50.276 came to the baby shower, um, signed it. And um, so the paintings right in 00:50:50.309 --> 00:50:55.267 there, I'll show it to you. But, um, yeah, there, there are two peas in a 00:50:55.300 --> 00:51:01.416 pod and we are the three musketeers for sure. That's the three of us. But 00:51:01.449 --> 00:51:05.635 I, I have help from so many people and so many people that love them. And 00:51:05.668 --> 00:51:09.747 , you know, sometimes I still try to do it all by myself because I don't 00:51:09.780 --> 00:51:14.436 wanna burden anybody because it was my decision. It was my choice to bring 00:51:14.469 --> 00:51:20.626 them into the world and I don't want to, you know, inconvenience anybody 00:51:20.659 --> 00:51:28.396 and, you know, that's my pride talking but I love them. We're family. 00:51:28.429 --> 00:51:33.756 Ok. Last question. Ok. Um, so you were 30 when you got pregnant? And at 00:51:33.789 --> 00:51:36.925 that point had you kind of been like if it happens, it happens if it 00:51:36.958 --> 00:51:39.756 doesn't, it doesn't or had you thought maybe you were going to have 00:51:39.789 --> 00:51:43.945 Children in the future or not at all? Oh, I knew I wanted to have Children. 00:51:43.978 --> 00:51:49.756 I just, um, at the time I was, um, just breaking up with somebody who I 00:51:49.789 --> 00:51:55.796 considered the love of my life. So, um I had contacted the children's 00:51:55.829 --> 00:52:00.206 father just for, you know, it just makes me feel better to have a little 00:52:00.239 --> 00:52:04.977 revenge sex, you know, just to feel better about myself after being 00:52:05.010 --> 00:52:11.287 devastated. And I mean, that breakup kind of rocked me, which is why, um, 00:52:11.320 --> 00:52:16.276 the children's father questioned whether or not he was the father because 00:52:16.309 --> 00:52:21.595 he knew that I had just got done, you know, being um in a relationship 00:52:21.628 --> 00:52:25.537 with, um, the other guy, but the other guy had a paternity test as soon as 00:52:25.570 --> 00:52:31.077 the Children were born and he was not father. So it's like, ok process of 00:52:31.110 --> 00:52:36.405 elimination, you know, so I contacted the father one more time just to let 00:52:36.438 --> 00:52:40.066 him know like, you know, I had twins. He's like, wow, twins, 00:52:40.099 --> 00:52:44.256 congratulations. Good for you. Good luck to you. Please don't contact me 00:52:44.289 --> 00:52:49.356 again. And that's kind of how it went. But no, I had always planned to 00:52:49.389 --> 00:52:55.776 have Children. I thought maybe I wanted more. Um, just in case I got into 00:52:55.809 --> 00:53:01.095 a relationship with someone, you know, even now and, you know, if he 00:53:01.128 --> 00:53:04.456 didn't have Children and yeah, I'll, I'll have, I'll have a baby for you, 00:53:04.489 --> 00:53:10.316 you know. But um it just, it wasn't in the cards. It, it, it happened when 00:53:10.349 --> 00:53:15.936 it needed to happen. Like I don't know what my life would have been like 00:53:15.969 --> 00:53:21.057 if I had gotten to this point of being 36 we already know, the risks start 00:53:21.090 --> 00:53:26.086 at 30. You know, and I, I wouldn't have wanted to be here trying 00:53:26.119 --> 00:53:32.217 desperately to get pregnant and have a child now, you know, it's brought 00:53:32.250 --> 00:53:35.997 about a lot of twists and turns, but I'm glad I had them when I had them. 00:53:36.030 --> 00:53:39.675 It needed to happen the way it did. 00:53:39.708 --> 00:53:42.956 So, I think we'll stop. I don't know what happened with this for two. Yeah 00:53:42.989 --> 00:53:46.135 , I did it twice and then I think I messed it up. Now. It's recording 00:53:46.168 --> 00:53:48.168 again.