Eric and I had been trying to conceive for six months. I had thought I
would get pregnant immediately. I don't know why I spent 20 years at least
trying not to get pregnant. And then I remember it was about three in the
morning and I had taken the pregnancy test and it said pregnant. And so I
crawled into bed with my husband and I said we're pregnant and I remember
just beaming the rest of the morning, you know, until I had to get up. He
just so excited, just absolutely excited. I'd look over at him and he'd
have this like, petrified, stricken look on his face, you know, like, oh
my God, this is really happening. I pretty much knew I was pregnant. After
the first month I started gaining weight. It was like every time we get on
the scale, I'd be £3 heavier until I ultimately gained at least £50
miserable almost every single step of the way. And it was summer time. It
was so hot in Arizona. You know, it's like 100 and 15 degrees and I'm just
like, waddling around and I'd float in the pool and I was like, just
bobbing on the water trying to feel weightless because otherwise I felt
like a massive boulder trying to move about. And I just looked like this
marshmallow floating on top of the bar with these like enormous breasts
and this enormous thighs and butt and everything just got so big. I, it's
like I did not even recognize myself. The baby really wasn't dropping. I
had a really high pregnancy. My, um the belly came right out from under my
breast. It just seemed like it was choking me. You know, it wasn't low at
all. It was just felt like it was right in my face. And I would be, I was
painting for a solo series at that time. So I would paint for like 15
minutes. I'd lay on the couch for like 20 eat popsicles and watch movies.
That's pretty much how the last three months of my pregnancy went and
then everything seemed to be going. Ok. I noticed when I would be standing
in the bathroom brushing my teeth or doing something like that, that a
little puddle of water would be on the ground, you know, like just a
couple inches in diameter. And I was feeling like it was my water breaking
, you know, but it wasn't really breaking the way everyone says it wasn't
this giant gush. So I go to the hospital and they swab for amniotic fluid
and they said, no, it's not amniotic fluid. You must be peeing yourself. I
mean, literally that's what they said. And I said, no, I, I know I'm not
peeing like, almost, I'm nine months pregnant, but I'm sure that I'm not
urinating on myself. And so she said, well, I don't know, you know, it's,
it, it is what it is. It's not, um, amniotic fluid so you can go ahead and
go home. And so we went home and then for the next two or three days, it
just kept happening, you know, and it was, it wasn't getting that much
more, it was just very consistent. So I went back again and they tested it
and it was amniotic fluid. And then they said, well, now that we know it's
amniotic fluid and you've been dripping amniotic fluid for three days, you
have to have an emergency induction because at this point, they're worried
about infection, um urgent, everything felt very urgent and kind of
stressed husband was there and my mother and I was given Pitocin. So that
was started the whole process. So I never had one natural contraction ever.
It was all chemically induced labor. And with Pitocin, the contractions
are far more intense and kind of not spaced out and they don't really
build on each other the way you naturally would, you know, where you'd be
at home and be like, oh, I'm feeling some tightening and then feel more
tightening and then it would get a little closer together and they'd be
more intense. It wasn't like that. It was just like, instantaneously once
that Pitocin hit, intense, like labor and the only position I could cope
was standing and the only area I could stand where I could lean against
something was the table and right next to it was the fetal monitor. Of
course, because I was trapped, you know, with the dragging cords and
machine equipment every time I moved about. And so I would be standing and
like swaying, my husband would be behind me, like with his hands on my
hips, then try to just cope with this like rolling pain. And then I lay
down and it was like the end. I mean, I was writhing in pain. I could not
lay down, you know, but they wanted me to lay down because of the baby's
heart rate or whatever it was. And I was like, could I just stand up again
? That would feel better? So I'm laying down and I'm like, not handling it.
I mean, I'm not going inward, I'm not feeling like I'm in any sort of
control. It's like I'm so hyper aware of the agony and my mother was there
and she just could barely stand to see me look like this. So then the
nurse comes in and she said, I'm gonna go to lunch, you know, I'll be back
in an hour or whatever she said. And my mother said, can you check her
dilation before you go. And so the nurse said, sure. And she didn't seem
too happy about it, but she did it and I was only at four centimeters. I
mean, it would have been long suffering. So I was at four centimeters and
my mother and I looked at each other, she said, can we just get a, an
epidural? And the woman looked at us like, really, you know, because it's
not very far along. So then we scheduled an epidural and the epidural guy
comes in, I think all people had to be out of the room. So hu husband was
out, mother was out, it was just me and the doctor and the whole time I'd
been like, terrified of this process of the epidural. That was the only
reason I wanted to do natural delivery was just to not get an epidural.
The idea of like a long needle going in my back. So you're having, I'm
having these rolling horrible contractions. I was leaning forward. The
doctor gave me the epidural and it did not immediately go, make the pain
go away. So you kind of felt pain. You're like, when is it going to start
working? And then when it works, it's like this flood of joy comes over
you. I mean, it, I can't even describe it. It's just like someone just
opens a valve of pressure, you know, and it's like, wow, I, I can think
about other things than the pain. You know, think about the fact that I'm
gonna have this child and, you know, all this whole process. And then not
too long after it felt like almost immediately the doctor comes in and
checks my dilation and I was at full dilation and it was almost as though
I couldn't dilate because I was in so much pain. So at this point, I had a
monitor strapped to my belly. I had an IV, I had an epidural, I had a
catheter and then they put a fetal monitor attached to the baby's head. So
I had like six tubes going in and out of my body from various places. And
my husband was like, seriously, it was like a scene from alien. I mean,
there were at least four tubes going in your vagina and then multiple
tubes all around you and then like beeping monitors around you. It was
very strange. It was time to push and the nurse came in. Her voice was
really saccharine. It was like this really sweet, quiet voice and it was
like 1234.
And I just wanted to murder her until I got far enough along. And then the
doctor came in, Eric was holding one leg and my mother was holding the
other leg and the doctor was in between my legs, of course, and he was
exactly the personality I needed. I didn't need to be sued. I needed to be
like, yelled at I needed this baby out of me. He was like push, but it was
just perfect because it was like, ok, you really bear down, really push.
You needed that. You didn't need someone like whispering to you. So I'd
push and my mother and I was like, is it anything happening? You know,
because I couldn't feel it because of the epidural, I knew I was pushing,
I could like feel con some contracting happening or some cramping
happening. But I really couldn't tell if I was doing it right. And I was
having, I was flooded with all this self doubt. Is anything happening? Is
, is it working? Am I pushing hard enough? Am I failing? You know, I, I
just couldn't tell, I could tell I had all these three faces. I, I was
looking at their faces and they were looking at my vagina and I could see
in their faces that they weren't satisfied, you know that it was like, is
it working? And they said, well, it's just that I can, we can tell that
the baby is moving forward. But then as soon as you stop pushing it goes
back up, you know, it goes back inside and it just kept happening again
and again, it just felt like no progress. And then the doctor said, can we
do an sio toy? He was like we need to do an Aecio. He was like, yes, do it.
An sy is when they can they can cut you in various ways, but they're
cutting you at the lower part of your vagina to extend your vagina. And as
soon as they did, the baby emerged and they pull him up and this like a, a
bloody mass purple lips and just making this little lamb cry. It wasn't a
whale. It was just the cutest little lamb cry. I'll never forget the sound
of it. And he has this thick umbilical cord and I'll never forget the
umbilical cord was like, if you were to hold your index finger and your
thumb together that thick and it was like two cords wrapped around each
other and one was red and one was blue and they clamped it off and he cut
it and I remember him saying my God, this is so hard to cut. It was just
like cutting through rubber. It was just really amazing looking. So they
put the baby on my chest and I'm holding the baby and Eric isn't standing
to my right and he's weeping and my mother's to my left with a video
camera. And I remember this feeling of just a, you know, I didn't feel
that rush of emotion like I was crying and I just couldn't believe this
was my baby. Just the complexity of that. I remember just being really not
just a sheer flood of joy but also fear I have the baby and Eric is next
to me and my mother's on the other side and I felt like this really
wonderful Trinity. And then right there in between my legs beautifully lit
up with my doctor stitching me up and he would dip down with the needle
and thread and then pull it way up high so I could see it and then dip
down and then pull it way up high and I'll never forget that. It was just
so surreal. Like I'm having this intimate moment, you know, with my
immediate family and my new baby and then I look over it and here's this
man like completely at work with like no sense of what's happening above
my vagina. He's just all about that and like sewing it up and they take
the baby weighing them and doing various things to him. And Eric was over
there and my mother was over there. And so I decided I'm going to get out
and walk over there. So I walk over there and the nurse comes and she goes
, oh, you're bleeding like that like, oh you're bleeding. You know, I like
, oh you cut yourself, you know, just very casual about it. And I turn
around and it's like, oh yeah, I am like someone had taken a bucket of
blood and like just splashed it on the floor between the bed to where I
was standing. And I just thought, how, how can this be normal? You know,
how can you lose all this blood and go through all of this and still be
walking around and it just didn't seem right. So they kept us there for
about four days. But it wasn't a problem because I was really able to just
recover and it was just this little room and my mother had like a little
blow up twin bed or something and she slept there much of the time and it
was just August and me and he never really left the room so he was able to
sleep in bed with me. It was really this wonderful intimate time without
having to like deal with being in my own house and like our dogs and just
the day to day stuff that you feel like, you know, you're dealing with
when you're in your house. And as soon as I got home, you know, it was
chaos. Like just figure out how to be a mother. August was a really
challenging baby. He just constantly cried. Nothing was wrong with him. We
took him to see the pediatrician, they said, oh yeah. Um, he's a fussy
baby. Like that's the diagnosis. He's a fussy baby. So, you know, besides
the fuss and is like you can get through it. You know, this is your job,
but I just felt like utterly enslaved. He really could only ever sleep in
my arms. Eric, my husband got to like shower and go to the bathroom and
come and go as he pleased without having to consult with me before he did
those things. But I constantly was like, could you hold August while I
shower? And then I had to be in the shower and hear him crying like the
entire time. Or, you know, could you hold him while I go to the bathroom?
And then again, I'd be trying to go to the bathroom, he'd be crying and it
was just really hard. The entire burden was on me and of course I loved
him. I was very excited, but I just, I did feel very much enslaved. You
know, I didn't feel like my own person. I felt more of my own person when
I was growing another person inside me than I did when he finally came out.
But it's been about four years and he's a wonderful kid, you know, strong
funny has really developed a personality. We've gotten over those
difficult times and definitely made me a stronger person. But I will never
have another kid.