WEBVTT 00:00:01.340 --> 00:00:07.657 Eric and I had been trying to conceive for six months. I had thought I 00:00:07.690 --> 00:00:11.847 would get pregnant immediately. I don't know why I spent 20 years at least 00:00:11.880 --> 00:00:15.505 trying not to get pregnant. And then I remember it was about three in the 00:00:15.538 --> 00:00:21.206 morning and I had taken the pregnancy test and it said pregnant. And so I 00:00:21.239 --> 00:00:25.526 crawled into bed with my husband and I said we're pregnant and I remember 00:00:25.559 --> 00:00:29.497 just beaming the rest of the morning, you know, until I had to get up. He 00:00:29.530 --> 00:00:32.396 just so excited, just absolutely excited. I'd look over at him and he'd 00:00:32.429 --> 00:00:35.406 have this like, petrified, stricken look on his face, you know, like, oh 00:00:35.439 --> 00:00:39.027 my God, this is really happening. I pretty much knew I was pregnant. After 00:00:39.060 --> 00:00:41.686 the first month I started gaining weight. It was like every time we get on 00:00:41.719 --> 00:00:46.301 the scale, I'd be £3 heavier until I ultimately gained at least £50 00:00:46.334 --> 00:00:50.951 miserable almost every single step of the way. And it was summer time. It 00:00:50.984 --> 00:00:55.402 was so hot in Arizona. You know, it's like 100 and 15 degrees and I'm just 00:00:55.435 --> 00:00:59.332 like, waddling around and I'd float in the pool and I was like, just 00:00:59.365 --> 00:01:03.510 bobbing on the water trying to feel weightless because otherwise I felt 00:01:03.543 --> 00:01:08.906 like a massive boulder trying to move about. And I just looked like this 00:01:08.939 --> 00:01:12.426 marshmallow floating on top of the bar with these like enormous breasts 00:01:12.459 --> 00:01:16.647 and this enormous thighs and butt and everything just got so big. I, it's 00:01:16.680 --> 00:01:20.447 like I did not even recognize myself. The baby really wasn't dropping. I 00:01:20.480 --> 00:01:24.525 had a really high pregnancy. My, um the belly came right out from under my 00:01:24.558 --> 00:01:27.816 breast. It just seemed like it was choking me. You know, it wasn't low at 00:01:27.849 --> 00:01:32.605 all. It was just felt like it was right in my face. And I would be, I was 00:01:32.638 --> 00:01:36.266 painting for a solo series at that time. So I would paint for like 15 00:01:36.299 --> 00:01:41.316 minutes. I'd lay on the couch for like 20 eat popsicles and watch movies. 00:01:41.349 --> 00:01:44.096 That's pretty much how the last three months of my pregnancy went and 00:01:44.129 --> 00:01:50.147 then everything seemed to be going. Ok. I noticed when I would be standing 00:01:50.180 --> 00:01:53.236 in the bathroom brushing my teeth or doing something like that, that a 00:01:53.269 --> 00:01:56.656 little puddle of water would be on the ground, you know, like just a 00:01:56.689 --> 00:02:02.876 couple inches in diameter. And I was feeling like it was my water breaking 00:02:02.909 --> 00:02:06.536 , you know, but it wasn't really breaking the way everyone says it wasn't 00:02:06.569 --> 00:02:12.055 this giant gush. So I go to the hospital and they swab for amniotic fluid 00:02:12.088 --> 00:02:16.555 and they said, no, it's not amniotic fluid. You must be peeing yourself. I 00:02:16.588 --> 00:02:19.856 mean, literally that's what they said. And I said, no, I, I know I'm not 00:02:19.889 --> 00:02:22.936 peeing like, almost, I'm nine months pregnant, but I'm sure that I'm not 00:02:22.969 --> 00:02:26.876 urinating on myself. And so she said, well, I don't know, you know, it's, 00:02:26.909 --> 00:02:30.446 it, it is what it is. It's not, um, amniotic fluid so you can go ahead and 00:02:30.479 --> 00:02:34.275 go home. And so we went home and then for the next two or three days, it 00:02:34.308 --> 00:02:37.005 just kept happening, you know, and it was, it wasn't getting that much 00:02:37.038 --> 00:02:42.166 more, it was just very consistent. So I went back again and they tested it 00:02:42.199 --> 00:02:47.136 and it was amniotic fluid. And then they said, well, now that we know it's 00:02:47.169 --> 00:02:50.745 amniotic fluid and you've been dripping amniotic fluid for three days, you 00:02:50.778 --> 00:02:55.436 have to have an emergency induction because at this point, they're worried 00:02:55.469 --> 00:02:59.396 about infection, um urgent, everything felt very urgent and kind of 00:02:59.429 --> 00:03:05.886 stressed husband was there and my mother and I was given Pitocin. So that 00:03:05.919 --> 00:03:11.077 was started the whole process. So I never had one natural contraction ever. 00:03:11.110 --> 00:03:17.547 It was all chemically induced labor. And with Pitocin, the contractions 00:03:17.580 --> 00:03:23.066 are far more intense and kind of not spaced out and they don't really 00:03:23.099 --> 00:03:26.186 build on each other the way you naturally would, you know, where you'd be 00:03:26.219 --> 00:03:29.406 at home and be like, oh, I'm feeling some tightening and then feel more 00:03:29.439 --> 00:03:31.686 tightening and then it would get a little closer together and they'd be 00:03:31.719 --> 00:03:35.061 more intense. It wasn't like that. It was just like, instantaneously once 00:03:35.094 --> 00:03:40.071 that Pitocin hit, intense, like labor and the only position I could cope 00:03:40.104 --> 00:03:44.642 was standing and the only area I could stand where I could lean against 00:03:44.675 --> 00:03:47.630 something was the table and right next to it was the fetal monitor. Of 00:03:47.663 --> 00:03:50.952 course, because I was trapped, you know, with the dragging cords and 00:03:50.985 --> 00:03:54.411 machine equipment every time I moved about. And so I would be standing and 00:03:54.444 --> 00:03:57.541 like swaying, my husband would be behind me, like with his hands on my 00:03:57.574 --> 00:04:02.797 hips, then try to just cope with this like rolling pain. And then I lay 00:04:02.830 --> 00:04:07.436 down and it was like the end. I mean, I was writhing in pain. I could not 00:04:07.469 --> 00:04:11.446 lay down, you know, but they wanted me to lay down because of the baby's 00:04:11.479 --> 00:04:14.146 heart rate or whatever it was. And I was like, could I just stand up again 00:04:14.179 --> 00:04:19.176 ? That would feel better? So I'm laying down and I'm like, not handling it. 00:04:19.209 --> 00:04:23.745 I mean, I'm not going inward, I'm not feeling like I'm in any sort of 00:04:23.778 --> 00:04:27.955 control. It's like I'm so hyper aware of the agony and my mother was there 00:04:27.988 --> 00:04:32.645 and she just could barely stand to see me look like this. So then the 00:04:32.678 --> 00:04:36.745 nurse comes in and she said, I'm gonna go to lunch, you know, I'll be back 00:04:36.778 --> 00:04:41.127 in an hour or whatever she said. And my mother said, can you check her 00:04:41.160 --> 00:04:46.086 dilation before you go. And so the nurse said, sure. And she didn't seem 00:04:46.119 --> 00:04:50.526 too happy about it, but she did it and I was only at four centimeters. I 00:04:50.559 --> 00:04:54.226 mean, it would have been long suffering. So I was at four centimeters and 00:04:54.259 --> 00:04:57.426 my mother and I looked at each other, she said, can we just get a, an 00:04:57.459 --> 00:05:01.825 epidural? And the woman looked at us like, really, you know, because it's 00:05:01.858 --> 00:05:05.495 not very far along. So then we scheduled an epidural and the epidural guy 00:05:05.528 --> 00:05:08.717 comes in, I think all people had to be out of the room. So hu husband was 00:05:08.750 --> 00:05:12.776 out, mother was out, it was just me and the doctor and the whole time I'd 00:05:12.809 --> 00:05:15.036 been like, terrified of this process of the epidural. That was the only 00:05:15.069 --> 00:05:18.156 reason I wanted to do natural delivery was just to not get an epidural. 00:05:18.189 --> 00:05:22.455 The idea of like a long needle going in my back. So you're having, I'm 00:05:22.488 --> 00:05:25.877 having these rolling horrible contractions. I was leaning forward. The 00:05:25.910 --> 00:05:31.257 doctor gave me the epidural and it did not immediately go, make the pain 00:05:31.290 --> 00:05:34.116 go away. So you kind of felt pain. You're like, when is it going to start 00:05:34.149 --> 00:05:38.736 working? And then when it works, it's like this flood of joy comes over 00:05:38.769 --> 00:05:42.187 you. I mean, it, I can't even describe it. It's just like someone just 00:05:42.220 --> 00:05:47.536 opens a valve of pressure, you know, and it's like, wow, I, I can think 00:05:47.569 --> 00:05:50.627 about other things than the pain. You know, think about the fact that I'm 00:05:50.660 --> 00:05:54.705 gonna have this child and, you know, all this whole process. And then not 00:05:54.738 --> 00:05:58.786 too long after it felt like almost immediately the doctor comes in and 00:05:58.819 --> 00:06:03.666 checks my dilation and I was at full dilation and it was almost as though 00:06:03.699 --> 00:06:10.245 I couldn't dilate because I was in so much pain. So at this point, I had a 00:06:10.278 --> 00:06:15.437 monitor strapped to my belly. I had an IV, I had an epidural, I had a 00:06:15.470 --> 00:06:20.666 catheter and then they put a fetal monitor attached to the baby's head. So 00:06:20.699 --> 00:06:25.757 I had like six tubes going in and out of my body from various places. And 00:06:25.790 --> 00:06:28.356 my husband was like, seriously, it was like a scene from alien. I mean, 00:06:28.389 --> 00:06:31.437 there were at least four tubes going in your vagina and then multiple 00:06:31.470 --> 00:06:34.555 tubes all around you and then like beeping monitors around you. It was 00:06:34.588 --> 00:06:39.786 very strange. It was time to push and the nurse came in. Her voice was 00:06:39.819 --> 00:06:45.226 really saccharine. It was like this really sweet, quiet voice and it was 00:06:45.259 --> 00:06:50.495 like 1234. 00:06:50.528 --> 00:06:53.757 And I just wanted to murder her until I got far enough along. And then the 00:06:53.790 --> 00:06:57.096 doctor came in, Eric was holding one leg and my mother was holding the 00:06:57.129 --> 00:07:00.305 other leg and the doctor was in between my legs, of course, and he was 00:07:00.338 --> 00:07:03.356 exactly the personality I needed. I didn't need to be sued. I needed to be 00:07:03.389 --> 00:07:08.116 like, yelled at I needed this baby out of me. He was like push, but it was 00:07:08.149 --> 00:07:11.986 just perfect because it was like, ok, you really bear down, really push. 00:07:12.019 --> 00:07:15.447 You needed that. You didn't need someone like whispering to you. So I'd 00:07:15.480 --> 00:07:18.455 push and my mother and I was like, is it anything happening? You know, 00:07:18.488 --> 00:07:22.515 because I couldn't feel it because of the epidural, I knew I was pushing, 00:07:22.548 --> 00:07:25.906 I could like feel con some contracting happening or some cramping 00:07:25.939 --> 00:07:29.757 happening. But I really couldn't tell if I was doing it right. And I was 00:07:29.790 --> 00:07:33.825 having, I was flooded with all this self doubt. Is anything happening? Is 00:07:33.858 --> 00:07:38.305 , is it working? Am I pushing hard enough? Am I failing? You know, I, I 00:07:38.338 --> 00:07:41.416 just couldn't tell, I could tell I had all these three faces. I, I was 00:07:41.449 --> 00:07:45.055 looking at their faces and they were looking at my vagina and I could see 00:07:45.088 --> 00:07:48.937 in their faces that they weren't satisfied, you know that it was like, is 00:07:48.970 --> 00:07:53.217 it working? And they said, well, it's just that I can, we can tell that 00:07:53.250 --> 00:07:56.887 the baby is moving forward. But then as soon as you stop pushing it goes 00:07:56.920 --> 00:08:00.786 back up, you know, it goes back inside and it just kept happening again 00:08:00.819 --> 00:08:04.666 and again, it just felt like no progress. And then the doctor said, can we 00:08:04.699 --> 00:08:08.116 do an sio toy? He was like we need to do an Aecio. He was like, yes, do it. 00:08:08.149 --> 00:08:11.166 An sy is when they can they can cut you in various ways, but they're 00:08:11.199 --> 00:08:14.656 cutting you at the lower part of your vagina to extend your vagina. And as 00:08:14.689 --> 00:08:20.416 soon as they did, the baby emerged and they pull him up and this like a, a 00:08:20.449 --> 00:08:25.455 bloody mass purple lips and just making this little lamb cry. It wasn't a 00:08:25.488 --> 00:08:28.606 whale. It was just the cutest little lamb cry. I'll never forget the sound 00:08:28.639 --> 00:08:31.947 of it. And he has this thick umbilical cord and I'll never forget the 00:08:31.980 --> 00:08:35.895 umbilical cord was like, if you were to hold your index finger and your 00:08:35.928 --> 00:08:41.025 thumb together that thick and it was like two cords wrapped around each 00:08:41.058 --> 00:08:44.417 other and one was red and one was blue and they clamped it off and he cut 00:08:44.450 --> 00:08:47.616 it and I remember him saying my God, this is so hard to cut. It was just 00:08:47.649 --> 00:08:52.246 like cutting through rubber. It was just really amazing looking. So they 00:08:52.279 --> 00:08:56.236 put the baby on my chest and I'm holding the baby and Eric isn't standing 00:08:56.269 --> 00:08:59.696 to my right and he's weeping and my mother's to my left with a video 00:08:59.729 --> 00:09:05.366 camera. And I remember this feeling of just a, you know, I didn't feel 00:09:05.399 --> 00:09:10.037 that rush of emotion like I was crying and I just couldn't believe this 00:09:10.070 --> 00:09:13.736 was my baby. Just the complexity of that. I remember just being really not 00:09:13.769 --> 00:09:19.275 just a sheer flood of joy but also fear I have the baby and Eric is next 00:09:19.308 --> 00:09:21.635 to me and my mother's on the other side and I felt like this really 00:09:21.668 --> 00:09:25.616 wonderful Trinity. And then right there in between my legs beautifully lit 00:09:25.649 --> 00:09:30.505 up with my doctor stitching me up and he would dip down with the needle 00:09:30.538 --> 00:09:34.356 and thread and then pull it way up high so I could see it and then dip 00:09:34.389 --> 00:09:38.157 down and then pull it way up high and I'll never forget that. It was just 00:09:38.190 --> 00:09:42.076 so surreal. Like I'm having this intimate moment, you know, with my 00:09:42.109 --> 00:09:44.706 immediate family and my new baby and then I look over it and here's this 00:09:44.739 --> 00:09:49.015 man like completely at work with like no sense of what's happening above 00:09:49.048 --> 00:09:52.456 my vagina. He's just all about that and like sewing it up and they take 00:09:52.489 --> 00:09:56.375 the baby weighing them and doing various things to him. And Eric was over 00:09:56.408 --> 00:09:59.196 there and my mother was over there. And so I decided I'm going to get out 00:09:59.229 --> 00:10:03.846 and walk over there. So I walk over there and the nurse comes and she goes 00:10:03.879 --> 00:10:07.167 , oh, you're bleeding like that like, oh you're bleeding. You know, I like 00:10:07.200 --> 00:10:10.606 , oh you cut yourself, you know, just very casual about it. And I turn 00:10:10.639 --> 00:10:13.826 around and it's like, oh yeah, I am like someone had taken a bucket of 00:10:13.859 --> 00:10:17.015 blood and like just splashed it on the floor between the bed to where I 00:10:17.048 --> 00:10:20.557 was standing. And I just thought, how, how can this be normal? You know, 00:10:20.590 --> 00:10:24.467 how can you lose all this blood and go through all of this and still be 00:10:24.500 --> 00:10:28.525 walking around and it just didn't seem right. So they kept us there for 00:10:28.558 --> 00:10:32.025 about four days. But it wasn't a problem because I was really able to just 00:10:32.058 --> 00:10:36.696 recover and it was just this little room and my mother had like a little 00:10:36.729 --> 00:10:40.606 blow up twin bed or something and she slept there much of the time and it 00:10:40.639 --> 00:10:44.366 was just August and me and he never really left the room so he was able to 00:10:44.399 --> 00:10:48.496 sleep in bed with me. It was really this wonderful intimate time without 00:10:48.529 --> 00:10:52.946 having to like deal with being in my own house and like our dogs and just 00:10:52.979 --> 00:10:55.706 the day to day stuff that you feel like, you know, you're dealing with 00:10:55.739 --> 00:11:00.275 when you're in your house. And as soon as I got home, you know, it was 00:11:00.308 --> 00:11:05.917 chaos. Like just figure out how to be a mother. August was a really 00:11:05.950 --> 00:11:10.186 challenging baby. He just constantly cried. Nothing was wrong with him. We 00:11:10.219 --> 00:11:13.586 took him to see the pediatrician, they said, oh yeah. Um, he's a fussy 00:11:13.619 --> 00:11:19.436 baby. Like that's the diagnosis. He's a fussy baby. So, you know, besides 00:11:19.469 --> 00:11:22.417 the fuss and is like you can get through it. You know, this is your job, 00:11:22.450 --> 00:11:27.996 but I just felt like utterly enslaved. He really could only ever sleep in 00:11:28.029 --> 00:11:31.996 my arms. Eric, my husband got to like shower and go to the bathroom and 00:11:32.029 --> 00:11:35.797 come and go as he pleased without having to consult with me before he did 00:11:35.830 --> 00:11:39.196 those things. But I constantly was like, could you hold August while I 00:11:39.229 --> 00:11:41.755 shower? And then I had to be in the shower and hear him crying like the 00:11:41.788 --> 00:11:45.476 entire time. Or, you know, could you hold him while I go to the bathroom? 00:11:45.509 --> 00:11:48.145 And then again, I'd be trying to go to the bathroom, he'd be crying and it 00:11:48.178 --> 00:11:53.275 was just really hard. The entire burden was on me and of course I loved 00:11:53.308 --> 00:11:57.116 him. I was very excited, but I just, I did feel very much enslaved. You 00:11:57.149 --> 00:12:01.157 know, I didn't feel like my own person. I felt more of my own person when 00:12:01.190 --> 00:12:05.255 I was growing another person inside me than I did when he finally came out. 00:12:05.288 --> 00:12:09.866 But it's been about four years and he's a wonderful kid, you know, strong 00:12:09.899 --> 00:12:14.066 funny has really developed a personality. We've gotten over those 00:12:14.099 --> 00:12:18.316 difficult times and definitely made me a stronger person. But I will never 00:12:18.349 --> 00:12:20.820 have another kid.