I

stale mess
Voi. 69 No. 113

Arizona State University
Tempe, Arizona

Note: While today's editorial content is
fictitious, the advertisements are real —
Editor..
Wednesday, April 1,1987

Pennsylvania scatterbrain brings out cleaners
New wallpaper slated
for state’s pressroom
By HIDE THE CZAGANY and
TERMINALLY BLAND
Stale Mess

More than two months after the suicide of Pennsylvania
Treasurer R. Fudd Dyer, interior design crews are
remodeling the now infamous pressroom in the state Finance
Building.
Gray Matter, foreman of the clean-up crew hired to
salvage the once tastefully-appointed conference room, said
it took his crew almost seven weeks to uncover the soiled
wallpaper, carpet and paneling.
Dyer died Jan. 22 after he fired a single shot from a .357
Magnum pistol into his mouth during a press conference. He
was facing a 55-year prison sentence for defrauding the state.
M atter said he was forced to pay his workers overtime,
resulting in a loss of $30,000 for Pennsylvania tax payers.
“If dat guy hadna been shootin’ his mouth off, none of dis
woud’da had ta been done,” he said, wiping his nose on his
sleeve. “We’da been outa here a lot sooner if he’da just done
somethin’ neater.
“Dem guys never thinks about us guys who gott& go in dere
and use Ajax to clean this gunk up. We hadn’t seen nothin’ dis
bad since we had to clean Jackie’s pink pillbox hat. ”
Sarah Bellum, head interior design coordinator for
Pennsylvanian aesthetic beautification and basic brain
splatter removal, said the restoration will be “enchantingly
visually pleasing, bold yet unassuming, with just a hint of
romance.”
Bellum said her design team is “aiming for a cozy room
where one could feel comfortable, explore one’s own karma
and forget about all of life’s little problems. ”
“No one would ever dare to think of taking one’s own life in

In a never before released photograph, former Pennsylvania State Treasurer R.Fudd Oyer practices the finale to his Infamous press
conference, Just hours before his fatal shooting.

a sanctuary like this,” she beamed, with a sweep of her arm
toward an exquisite reproduction of an antique Marie
Antoinette chair, set next to a picture of Jayne.Mansfield,
sitting atop a Henry VIII end table. “And even if they did, the

colors and patterns of fabric we have selected would
intricately conceal the ‘spoilage. ’
“Besides, we’re going to have the whole place
Scotchguarded.”

ASU investigates possible newsroom hazing
The Stale Mess is being investigated for a possible hazing
incident this week after a reporter was taped to a chaise
lounge, dangled from a second-story balcony at the
newsroom and sprayed with water.
University officials ’said Biff Badpress, a freshman
journalism major, was “strung up” by his city editor when
hedidnot comply with the newspaper’s 3:30 p.m. deadline.
“That little turd never could make deadline,” the city
editor said Wednesday. “Let them investigate. I don’t care. I
never liked him anyway.
“Besides, he can’t even write. How can you expect him to
be a tough journalist when he orders everything he wears out
of theL L. Bean catalog?”
Bruce Itolyou, adviser to the student publication, denied
that the incident was hazing and told the students to “f—
‘em .”
“How can you call it hazing?” heasked.
“ All we did was pull the little s-- up by his Polo shorts and
make him into a living example of a dangling preposition.
We’re translating a missed deadline into a dangerous hazing.■
Badpress said he “extremely deserved” to be hanged from
the balcony.
“I’ve never made deadline,” he whined. “She said she
would do it if I didn’t do it, and she did.
“Besides, I’m a real jerk around the newsroom, and no one
really likes me anyway. They call me a weasel.”
Badpress said he asked to be let down, but his city editor
said she would let him down “when that damn cop reporter
from the Repulsive gets a Pulitzer. ”
University officials have placed the entire Stale Mess staff
on social probation, which prohibits members from
participating in next month’s Journalism Sing, the
Newsroom Formal, the Reporter’s Watermelon Bash and the
Tag Team Editing Finals.
FRIDGET MELTIN
Executive vice
president admits
on Tuesday that
missing DSASU
funds are now in
the hands of the
contras. Page 5.

inside
today
r

The Stale Mess editor keeps an eye on reporter Biff Badpress while he waits for his fellow reporters to rescue him. Badpress was tied to
the chaise lounge after missing h ii daily deadline three days in a row.

“This harsh retribution will hurt the entire media system,”
the city editor pouted. “How am I supposed to recruit
‘desirables’ if I can’t torture them just a tad?”
The editor of the publication said the staff’s only regret is

ASU WEATHER
Hold on to Toto
because
Hurricanes are
predicted today.
Page 10.

that “they didn’t use weaker rope when they hung ‘im.”
University-policy prohibits any campus group, including
newspapers and fraternities, from participating in hazing.
— TERMINALLY BLAND and HIDE THE CZAGANY

Classified ....... ....................... —

Comics ___________ .

.

.

15

TO

Opinion
____. . . . . . . . . . . 4
Police report , . . . . . . . ---- ---------- 8
Sports . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . --------- 11
Today . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2

Stale Me»

1987

Page 2

tomorrow
Meetings
*Arizona Outing Club will meet at 10 a.m. on Messed
Lawn where they will begin their ride on Sierra Iguanas
to Ajo.
•Students to Encourage Nuclear Annihilation will meet
at high noon in Moscow, Idaho, to finalize plans to nuke
Ajo.
•Limp and Giddy Academic Union will meet on Catty
Mall from noon to 2 p.m. to hand out “ Honk If You Love
Gerblls” buttons and bumper stickers. Complementary
exercise wheels will be given out for a small donation.
A ll supporters are asked to wear blue jeans.
•University Toa stm a kers will meet at 3:15 p.m. in the
MU SAGA Food Office. Bring your own marmalade and
margarine.
•The Greens will meet at 1 p.m. in the MU Grand
Marketplace to hear guest lecturer Rita Davenport
discuss the topic, "Your Salad: Creamy Ranch or Zesty
Italian?" Food fight with University Toastmakers to
follow.
•American Federation of Whores and Whoremongers
Local 12345 will participate in a debate' with Brother
Ded and Sister Sindy Schmuck. The debate will begin at
noon in the men’s bathroom on the second floor of the
MU.

Lectures
• Non-Governor Eb Meekman will speak at 4:11 p.m. In
the MU Arizona Room on the topic, “ King Was Just a
Troublemaking Pickaninny, Anyway.” All corrupt
politicos e_j}invize }t Jihzjrvueelit }ty }no^*go}rno
eanzjjw_j eno }pbs|uow e_ppointxjnz }t e|z_z

Corrections
•In its March 29 issue, the Stale Mess incorrectly
reported that a masked gunman brutally beat, raped
and murdered the entire Alpha Alpha Alpha sorority. In
fact, a Trl Alph active chipped her Lee’s Press-On Nail
and was taken to the health center for treatment.
•In its March 30 issue, the Stale Mess incorrectly
reported that ASASU President Crass Comeseeme said
University administrators were “ old farts who were not
interested in quality of education at ASU." In fact,
Comeseeme said: “ It’s a pressing controversy which
my staff is analyzing with utmost diligence. I think it’s
worthy of extended discussion with those in the
University’s administrative hierarchy."

ASU freshmen touring campus this week, take "Palm Walk” a bit too sariously.

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Stale Mess

Page 3

Wednesday, April 1,1987

Meekm an w hitew ashes image, show s true co lo rs
By VICKIE:
A. CASHIER
B. CHEY-CHEY-RAY
C. CASHEW (Gesundhelt)
Stale Mesa

SOMEWHERE NEAR THE 7th AVENUE
TRANSIENT CAMP — Arizona Gov. Eb
Meekman revealed Tuesday that he
actually -is black and announced plans to
declare a statewide holiday honoring
Sammy Davis Jr.
Meekman, who has paraded as a white,
conservative Glendale Republican for 25
years, said he is not a Republican, but
rather a registered member of the Free
Love and Optional Bondage Party.
Meekman also announced plans to join the
Capitol press corps when his term is over.
Meekman said he regrets not telling
voters about his true identity, but added he
was concerned he would lose the
g u b ernatorial ra ce to independent
candidate Bull Shlitz and Democrat Carolyn
“Spin My Bun” Mourner.

“It bees dat way sometime,” Meekman
said. “ They alw ays be doin’ dat
disriminatin’ stuff.’*
Meekman said he plans to declare a
holiday for Sammy Davis Jr. because the
black entertainer ‘‘ain’t never had no
trouble with the PO-lice. ”
The governor, who has been called a
racist, said he was able to carry on the
charade because of his well-designed,
overtly Anglo costume of a polyester suit
and hairpiece.
“I really did look like a white car dealer,”
Meekman said. “Nobody else dresses that
tacky.”
He said he even fooled his wife, Flo
Meekman. Mrs. Meekman said she was
concerned about her husband but never
suspected he was black.
“I did always wonder why he called our
seven children pickaninnies,” she said.
“But be always did it in such a loving,
affectionate way I just thought it was his

own cute little saying. ”
Ron Ring-My-Bells, a Meekman
spokesman, said he was surprised to learn
that Meekman was black.’But he admitted
he was suspicious of the governor after
finding two Aretha Franklin albums, a tube
of Afro-Sheen and a copy of “Roots” in
Meekman’s office.
Meekman aide Jim Stupor said he knew
that Meekman was not white and tried to tell
reporters that the governor was trying to
fool constituents.
“But those media scums wouldn’t believe
m e,” he said. “I kept telling them ‘Eb is
really black,’ but they misquoted me and it
ended up ‘the earth is really flat’ in the
newspaper.”
The governor also pledged to restore
“personhoods” to all members of the
Capitol press corps, but he said he regrets
that he has no power to issue the reporters
personalities.

Eb Meekman

Smurfy, Dump miffed, lay $300. million suit on A SU
By DURWOOD HOTSWEATER
Stale Mess

Disassociated Students presidential hopeful Dill Smurfy
and Limp ^nd Giddy Academic Union co-chair Deenie Dump
opened the latest chapter in the DSASU “suit-fest” Tuesday
by filing a $300 million lawsuit against ASU.
The suit names the Arizona Bored of Rejects, ASU
President J. Russell Half-Nelson, and all 40,000 ASU students
and faculty members as defendants.
Hie suit specifically alleges that College of Business Sen.
Ron Cobloomblow, College of Liberal Arts Sen. Mack Iceberg
and DSASU Activities Vice President Pristine Sloth
conspired to deprive Smurfy and the LGAU of their rights as
guaranteed under the First and Fourteenth Amendments.
The suit was prompted by the actions of Cobloomblow,
Iceberg and Sloth, who introduced Senate Bill 666 last week.
The measure banned all “subversive, fascist, ugly, troublemakin’ vermin’’ from participating in campus politics.
Cobloomblow said: “ I guess Dill and Deenie were upset

because we passed legislation directly aimed at them. Oh
well, God be blessed.” I
He then dropped to his knees, murmuring Ronald Reagan’s
social security number reverently.
Smurfy said Executive Vice President Fridget Meltin, well
known for strutting around the DSASU offices clad in leather
while cracking her whip, was named in the suit for being
“just too cute for words. ”
DSASU President Crass Comeseeme also was named for
“being the only m an on campus who spurts more fertilizer
than a herd of wild beasts.”
Smurfy said, “The rest of the students were cited for
displaying their ignorance by not voting for me and for
having bad haircuts. ”
The DSASU offices were in turmoil yesterday after word of
the lawsuit was announced.
Iceberg was seen limping from office to office screaming,
“Not again, not again!” while Cobloomblow muttered evily

D O N 'T S E T T L E
F O R W A L K IN '.

in the Senate chambers and a shattered Comeseeme wept
quietly in the corner.
Meltin was forced to whip several senators into
unconsciousness when they tried to burn effigies of Smurfy
and Dump.
Anarchy broke out soon after, and the ship of state drifted
aimlessly for several hours until Meltin regained control. No
one seemed to be able to tell the difference.
Over 30 or 40 beers, Smurfy and Dump admitted that
naming the whole campus in the lawsuit might have been a
bit extreme, but it was necessary to accomplish their goals.
“We’ve got a dance cornin’ up, and I’ll be damned if we’re
gonna serve punch and cookies again, ” Dump said.
Smurfy agreed, saying, “Ya know, I’ve wanted to be
DSASU president for a hell of a long time but being rich will
do.
v
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ir is e s
We’ve had it; we’re taking over
You want to talk about corporate
takeovers? Well, here’s a doozy.
Effective immediately, Disassociated
Students of ASU will now be under the
control of the Stale Mess editorial bored. In
fact, we are renaming DSASU to ASAWSS
(As Soon As We Say So).
Sure, you think we’re power hungry or
something. Actually, we’re sick of being
stuck in the basement of Matthews Center
for the Mentally Restricted and Hard of
Tasting.
Have you ever been in those offices in the
Memorial Onion? Nice, huh? Yeah, we think
so, too.
So, here a list of your new dictate . . . uh
...rep resen tatives:
Emperor: Thomas “Give Me A” Blodgett.
As a child, Tom always knew he would rule.
What, we aren’t sure, but give him a chance.
Tom’s goal in life is to be able to lick his own
eyebrows with his tongue. Tom says you can
do it if you stand on a chair.
President: Andrea “ Attila the” Han.
Always full of vim and vigor, Andrea has
lobbied Congress to release cans of mousse
back to their natural habitat. “No one has

the right to have a moose on her scalp,” she
said. Andrea’s goal in life is to be someone
she already isn’t.
Minister of Propoganda: Patrick J.
“Come here often, sailor” Kucera. As is
always the case, Patrick will try to amuse
the masses as he performs the entire
production of “A Chorus Line” wearing
nothing but a mink coat and size 18 red
pumps. As an added treat, he may put on
fishnet stockings, but they must be
crotchless. Patrick’s main desire in life i§
something Cuban.
Court Jesteress: Amy “What’s A Nice
Editor Like You Doing On A Publication
Like That” Frischknecht. Amy can only be
described as “perky,” with a capital perk.
After serving time in the Women’s
Correctional Facility for Overdeveloped
Personalities, Amy came back to ASU just
to “see how much I can write about Arizona
Gov. Eb Meekman before they insert that
brain in his head.” Amy’s goal in life is to
find leather in size “ petite.”
And if there are any objections to the new
hierarchy, we’ll make you apply for
financial aid as punishment.

Editor’s note: Look, we did not have
enough copy to fill this page, so l am
supposed to speak on behalf of the staff
about this problem.
We are getting just a little sick and
tired of you people thinking that
everything at this paper has to be

perfect, especially layout. Who cares if
some white space is left over?
Do you think the news comes ready to
fit perfectly into the Stale Mess pages?
Guess again, jerks. We hate you. Leave
us alone.

R o n a ld o K u su c k Jr./S la le M e n

Your new student representative* take time out to pose for you. The new coalition government is
made up of, clockwise from bottom, Tom Blodgett, Emperor; Andrea Han, President; Patrick J.
Kucera, Minister of Propoganda; and Amy Frischknecht, Court Jesteress.

A governor, a colum nist, a w onder goat an d you
Gov. Eb Meekman is nothing more than a columnist’s
dream. The question is, is he Greco-Roman or Byzantine?
But recently, Meekman has been at war with Phoenix
Gazoo columnist (see above reference) Jonathan Corny,
which led to Meekman’s comment that Corny was a non­
parsnip.
The war of the words has begun, and some of the things
coming out .of the gov’s mouth are pretty ugly (but isn’t
“pretty ugly” a oxymoron, like “jumbo shrimp,” “military
intelligence’’ or ‘‘ASU President J.R„ Half-Nelson? ” ).
Like a soap opera, the squabble between tee two has been
ongoing. But little did Eb realize that his long and trusted
friend, Ted Fumes, was secretly dating a former girlfriend
from the Bronx who just happens to be the spitting image of
Hattie Ba-da-ba-da-ba-dabit. Hattie, it was revealed, had
been testing the waters of matrimony only to find that the
priest who would m arry her was none other than the everpopular John Z. Smevins, a Jesuit, but still likable any way.
Smevins has only recently been told he would lose his collar if
he performed the baptism of Corny or if he used extra­
strength Smash.
(Commerical break).
Smash detergent, for all your cleaning needs.
(Now back to our regularly scheduled column, already in
progress).
But certainly, there has been no love lost between
Meekman and Corny. It seems like only yesterday when
Meekman was saying, “Oh, Jonathan Corny.”

“Honey, I’m home.” ,

Patrick Frischknecht
O p in io n M anagins E d ito r.
“Oh, Eban Meekman.”
“Oh, Jonathan.”
“Oh, Eban.X
“Oh, Jon.”
“Oh, Eb.”
“Oh, Sam the Wonder Goat.”
“Oh, Eb.”
“Baaaaaaa.”
“OH! JON!”
But things got preachy as the two became opponents, and
Corny was cast into the lake of fire for being a whore and/or
whoremonger, who would do things to rock ’n’ roll. In fact,
Meekman stood on the Messed Lawn to plead his case saying,
“ I was saved while on a beach in Denver, Colo.; and it was
then I decided that being the governor of Arizona was
tantamount to cheese on a radiator. ’*
Even before their fight, there had been talk of a situation
comedy called, “Mr. Eb in Desert Acres.” The following was
a page from the script of that Eber-popular show:
EB
(walking into house)

viewer mail
Go suck a rock, you bum
Editor:
I would like to respond to (hack/slash)
Tom E. Gunn

^
Editor’s Note: No way, bucko. Get a real
job.

Encino-head ready to graduate
Editor:
Like, I was totally gnarlied out by that
recent story you had, like. Like, I was really
happy to see that the Stale Mess, like, was
on top of things, like.
I almost, like, gagged when Micky Bitter,
your, like, I guess, cartoonist, like, really

put the strokes on that, like, governor of,
like, Arizona.
Well, like, I had better go because, like,
I’m getting tired of saying, like, like, like.
Candice A. Valiie
Senior, English

Soviet Express: don’t leave home
Wimp:
I was furious when I finished reading that
story on how fascism and communism are
similar. Oh, yeah? '
Well, I personally like communism
because we can be one, feed people. Hey,
who doesn’t want forced^bor and share a
bathroom with 12 other (People? Communist
Party members argue about the important

things like which of the 12 should put the
toilet seat down.
By the way, Stalin only killed nine million
of his countrymen, not 11 million like you
contend. Geez, you make him out to be a
butcher or something.
Real Frozen
Unclassified graduate

(sound of whip cracking)
EB
(gleefully)
“ OOOOOOOOOOO!”
(laugh track)
“Ha, ha, ha, h a!”
GENERIC WIFE
(from offstage)
“I’ll be right there, dumpling.

I’m whipping up something for d in n er”
(laugh track)
“Ha, ha, ha, h a !—Ha, ha!”
EB
(to self)
“How can I tell my generic wife
the next-door neighbor can talk.
He even works for a newspaper.”
(small laugh track)
“H ,h ,h ,h .”
The show was canceled after its premiere episode
Meekman blames Corny. Corny blames Meekman. Th<
generic wife blames Sam the Wonder Goat. Sam the Wondei
Goat blames no one—he can’t talk.

Stak Mess

Wednesday, April 1,1987

Page 5

STIFF contra funding scam busted, Meltin freaks out
By DURWOOD HOTSWEATER
Stale Mess

Disassociated Students Executive Vice President Fridget
Meltin admitted Tuesday that missing DSASU funds she
claimed were merely “misplaced” are now in the hands of
the contras.
Meltin confessed that she and a group known as “Students
Totally Into Fascist Frolicking,” or STIFF, covertly
funneled $10,000 from the DSASU account to U.S. backed
rebels fighting the Sandinista regime in Nicaragua.
“Yes, damn it, it’s true!” Meltin cried. “We are STIFF,
and we stole the money!”
“Please, oh, please, oh, please, oh, please, forgive me,” the
usually tough-as-naiis vice president gasped as stunned
DSASU staff members watched her personality disintegrate
with horror.
Meltin then curled into a fetal position and wailed, “It’s all
Crass’ fault! ” before paramedics took her away.
DSASU President Crass “The Big C” Comeseeme denied
he whs the Crass mentioned by Meltin and called the whole
incident““unfortunate.”
“Fridgetlwas a nice girl and despite all our disagreements,
I really am sorry to see her deteriorate into a washed-out
vegetable,” Comeseeme giggled.

‘Yes, damnit,
it’s true!
We are STIFF
and we stole
the money.’
— Fridget Meltin
“This is what happens to conservatives who break the
law.”
But College of Business Sen. Ron Cobloomblow and College
of Public Programs Sen. Maddie “Big Red” Laymen said
Comeseeme is lying.
From his grimy jail cell, Cobloomblow claimed the whole
STIFF idea was part of Comeseeme’s master plan to take
over DSASU.
“We all just followed him blindly, and he set us up,” he
snarled. “Poor Fridget went for the whole fund diversion
thing just like the rest of us, but she fell for him —h ard —and

it was her downfall. ”
Cobloomblow continued: “OK, we admit it. We are STIFF
too. But Crass is our leader, and now that the chips are down,
he’s trying to wiggle his way out of it.
“ I’m really disappointed-^ God, how I used to worship that
man. There is no reason Fridge’ should take the rap alone.”
Laymen agreed, saying, “And to think Fridget used to
dream of marrying Crass! Oh, what a wacky, tragic world
we live in!”
Cobloomblow spat: “Ollie North would never be like this. ”
Comeseeme scoffed at the charges, calling the comments
“a sure sign of advanced mental illness.”
“Everyone knows I’m a leftist reactionary,” he said.
Comeseeme said no one would be appointed to fill Meltin’s
position, but the powers of the executive vice president
simply would be absorbed into the president’s office.
“Now everyone will know who runs the show around here,”
he said with a hearty chuckle.
Cpmeseeme said no effort would be made to recover the
diverted funds.
“The loss really isn’t that bad,” he said. “I figured it was
an acceptable loss to get rid of . . . uh, I mean we can get it
back later by making a deal with . , . well, I guess we can
always raise tuition.” '

Center to continue trivial pursuits at research park
By TIP TONGUE
Stale Mess

ASU Research Park officials announced
Tuesday that the Center for Trivial
Purchasing Studies has signed a lease with
the park and will relocate its offices there.
Both sides hailed the move as a step
forward.
“The relocation of the center into our park
now gives us enough tenants that we have to
use two hands to count them all,” Lawrence
Sunangel, president of the park’s board of
directors, said. “The trivial purchasing
studies center will add to the already quality
research being done here. Now if only the
business community will take note, we
might get to use our toes. ”
The center’s director, Jack Habansnazen,
expressed equal satisfaction with his new
headquarters.

“This place is perfect for us,” he said.
“Our top two researchers are nervous
types, “and they don’t like a lot (rf noise. The
park here is really quiet.”
ASU President J. Russell Half-Nelson
said having the center at ASU’s park will
add to the University’s prestige.
“Some of our business professors
consulted with center researchers on the
center’s last study,” he said. “The
knowledge gained by those professors, who
as a result of tffeir work are at the cutting
edge of theirj field, already is being
transferred to Students in ASU classes. ”
The center’s last study just was published
in a scholarly purchasing journal, which
students can read in the Hayden Library’s
current periodicals section.
The study was titled, “The Conservation
of Nickels by Consumers Using Coca-Cola

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S T U D E N T I !) .
Y O U ’LL G E T A
D IN N B t

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professors who actually consulted on the
study were using the material.
Habansnazen said the center’s first work
at the park site will be a case study of how
Kentucky Fried Chicken made grease
appealing to consumers by using the slogan,
“Finger-lickin’good.”
“The study will be of immediate benefit to
ASU in that it will have ramifications upon*
Saga Foods,” he said.
In a related announcement, Sunangel said
while the park has vacancies, the ASU
football team will move its practice site to
the 323-acre park located near the TempeChandler border.
“We know the team will be a big drawing
card for local businesses, and we sure have
got enough recreational facilities,”
Sunangel said. “We beat Tontozona all to
hell.”

•

Get ready — the search for your ideal
campus man/woman is on!
in celebration o f “Campus Man,” premiering
next week, m u a b is presenting "The
Dating Game" Tuesday,
April 7 at 9 p.m. at
919 E. Apache in Tempe.
If you would like to be a contestant,
please pick up application forms at the
MU Activities Center in the lower level of
the MU. Candidates should be energetic
and w itty!

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Vending Machines. ”
Habansnazen said the two-year study,
conducted with the use of ASU vending
machines that charged 45 cents, concluded
that people buying soft drinks from the
machines used two quarters consistently.
The consumers then would save the nickel
change until the process had been repeated
four times, he said. On the fifth purchase,
the consumers had enough nickels to make
exact change.
Habansnazen said he was not upset that
the price of Coke a t ASU had risen five more
cents last semester, to 50 cents, because the
study was finished.
“You got to make a buck,” he said. “No
one knows that better than researchers.”
Half-Nelson said several ASU professors
already were alluding (to the exciting study
in their lectures, but added that only the

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966-3848

Contestants will receive promotional items
from the film, dinner passes and a free
screening to "Campus Man” Wednesday,
April 8.
Applications are due Friday, April 3 at 5 p.m.
a t the MU Activities Center.
For further information, call 965-MUAB.

Page 6

Stete Men

Wednesday, April 1,1987

G od to raise hell if $20 mil not delivered, Oral spew s
By M IK E $ C O W L
Stale Mess

V

TULSA, OKLA. — Evangelist Oral Roberts told his
television audience Tuesday that God has told him if
Roberts does not receive $20 million for a
fundamentalist amusement park by April 30, God will
send the Earth careening into the sun.
Roberts went on to say that God would send a 900foot Jesus to trample major cities if feuding TV
evangelicals did not cease their holy war.
“It’ll be just like the Godzilla movies,” Roberts
said. “He’ll be ripping open commuter trains,
toppling skyscrapers, maybe even breathing fire.”
God could not be reached for comment.
Roberts, 69, said God “ meant business” with his
apocalyptic solar plunge blackmail.
“When he saw how easy it was for me to raise a
paltry $8 million just by threatening to take me home,
God realized the potential for some real giving from
the heart through sheer worldwide paranoia,” he
said.’'

Liquid fuel p lan
renders skaters
highly flammable

The syndicated pastor said he did not think the
threats used were unduly harsh or extreme tactics.
“The good Lord knows how much can be done in his
name through persuasive suggestion,” he said. “The
endsjustify the means.”
Roberts said God thought the bickering over
controlling interest in Rev. Jim Bakker’s recently
toppled PTL organization was “petty.”
“He said he has forgiven our Brother Jim for his
transgressions, and besides, there are enough
generous and gullible souls to keep all of the TV
pastors solvent,” he said.
ASU student Seth U. Larhumanist said he fears
Roberts has been munching moldy communion
wafers.
“He’s going to be looking mighty silly, mighty
quick,” he said.
Larhumanist is asking students to join him in front
of the Donefor Chapel for a “world death watch” on
the evening of April 30.

Evangelist Oral Roberts challenges his audience to give $20 million for a Christian
amusement park by April 30.
/

Immediate Openings for
1987 Engineering/Computer Science /Technical Graduates (B$,MS)

ASU Police have adopted a
tough new policy for dealing
with errant skateboarders —
“Skate Cool or We Use You
for Fuel.”
In a unique cooperative
effort between University
law e n fo rc e m e n t a n d
research
com m unities,
skateboarders using foul
la n g u a g e ,
d a m a g in g
U niversity property or
“being obnoxious in any
way” will be apprehended
and turned over to the Bioorganic Utility Research
Project (BURP).
The skaters then will be
processed into usable liquid
fuel.
“Things are going to get a
little easier- for us around
here once those little
madmen start thinking twice
about becoming gas for a
C ushm an c a r t , ” ASU
D epartm ent of Safety
Director C. Russell Drunken
said.

A

P R

Hkn ''

I L

V is fjÿfyciC '

ß
Your future
in technology
could be
in sales.

Chem ical engineering
Professor Huey Packard
said the new policy will be
beneficial.
“ Besides providing us with
prime subjects for our
e x p e rim e n ta l
o rg a n ic
conversion process and
keeping the campus free of
these thrashing hellions, we
can sell their skateboards to
help fund future renewable
energy research,” he said.

Engineering Center
G. Wing
Room 145
9am-4pm

Hp
i
B ß L 'S *
W
|r
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%

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(Stop by anytime)

B u t a t l e a s t one
skateboarder is upset over
the new policy.
“This is bogus,” 15-yearold Ivan Attitude said.
“We’ve got a right to skate
wherever we want, dude, it’s
like in the Constitution or
something.”

:

1

M o n d a y , A p r il 6

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Stale Mess

Wednesday, April 1,1987

C

R isin g se x o lo g ist s a y s O rg a s m W e e k s u c k e d
ly

By ALL’S FEHR
Stale Mess

NationaL Orgasm Week climaxed with a
wimper, not a bang, and public outcry is
demanding that a new week be designated
for sexual pleasuring, an upstanding
sexologist said Wednesday.
Dr. P. Fro Lactic, who spearheaded the
March 21-28 Orgasm Week, said he declared
the drive prematurely and did not give
enough people time to prepare for the
encounter.
“No one was satisfied with the way it
came off,” Lactic said, adding that even his
frog “Foxy Roxy” didn’t jump at the chance
to celebrate.
Lactic said he is “hard up for ideas” to
promote the week because even those who
reported orgasms admitted later they had
been faked.
“My own girlfriend told me she faked her
orgasm, but so did I,” he quipped.
Lactic proposed following National
Orgasm Week with National I-Need-a-

Cigarette-Week, but instead he said
lived daydream , Comeseeme said
depression in the aftermath may spur the
rhetorically: “I’ll designate my staff to
heed for a National Suicide Week for
assimilate the appropriate information
everyone who didn’t get lucky during -which has placed a barrier between
National Orgasm Week.
students and is germane to the question at
Reactions at ASU to the sexually
hand.”
promising week were mixed, but most
Other DSASU executive officers echoed
student leaders agreed that their waterbeds
Comeseeme’s
remarks.
remained motionless.
Disassociated Students President Crass
Fridget Meltin, DSASU executive vice
Comeseeme reported his Grantree-rented
president, said her attempts to get her
office couch remained unmussed and his
boyfriend — an ASU law student who shall
rented lamps stayed on the table the entire
remain nameless but is the brother of Stale
week.
Mess Spurts Editor Seig Heiler — to
“I thought maybe this week would b&- celebrate orgasm week failed.
different,” Comeseeme said. “Maybe I’m
“ (Name deleted) had a throbbing
not as accessible to the students as I think I
headache due to excessive studying,” she
am .”
said.
Comeseeme quickly changed the subject
Meltin’s roommates and Bible-study
to the new student services building which is
partners, Campus Affairs Vice President
being erected just east of Grady Gammage,
Lean-on Seal and Student Activities Vice
and he marveled at its sleek facade. .
President Pristine Sloth, agreed with Meltin
After being awakening from , his short­
as usual.

Do blonds really have more fun? Just ask Gov. Meekman
Word war with the governor and Ring-My-Bells. Tuesday,
Meekman improved his feelings toward Corny by calling him
“Ya know, Eb has been coming to my shop for nearly 20 a neo-person, instead of a non-person.
years for the same thing: a little off the top and trim the side
Corny would not comment.
burns,” Gov. Eban Meekman’s barber said in a Stale Mess
“Leave me the hell alone,” Corny said gruffly.
Meekman (read “Smith” ) said his 75-year barbering
interview.
Floyd Meekman, (no relation, but pronounced as career has taken him “around the world.”
“Smith”), said the Republican governor’s weekly haircut
“Hell, I’ve been to Boise, Yuma, Las Vegas, you name it.
demands are “consistent,” but admitted Meekman once Me and the Mrs. are planning a trip to Hollywood soon,” he
dyed his hair blond ‘‘to look like David Bowie. ’’
said.
“I don’t know if he had some wild feather in him that week
Through a friend of Gay Saltlick, the wife of Arizona
in 1983 or what,” Meekman the barber said. “It was right Republican Party Chairman Burt Saltlick, Meekman
around the time Bowie went on his Let’s Dance tour.. Eb said happened upon Meekman through Mrs. Saltlick’s salon,
‘I wanna be a blond. ’ ”
E arl’s Academy of Beauty.
Ron Ring-My-Bells, Gov. Meekman’s press secretary,
“Floyd was in here one day, doing research on
confirmed the governor once was a blond.
manicurists,” Saltlick said among the din of large, cone“Yes, the governor was a blond during his experimental shaped blow dryers at E arl’s. “The governor just happened
years,” Ring-My-Bells said. “But don’t forget, this was to be here, too. I introduced them, and they hit it off like Jim
Scooper and the Flat Earth Society.”
before Jon Corny dyed his hair blond.”
The rest is haircut history.
Corny is a Phoenix Gazoo columnist, who is embattled in a
*
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Page 8

State Me«

______Wednesday, April 1,1987

Health center head
bitten by AIDS bug,
could lose position
By MIXMIE A. DAIQUIRI GAILLARD
Stale Mess

?

ASU’s director of student health has been diagnosed as
having Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome, or AIDS, by
doctors at TempeSt. Luke’s Hospital.
Dr. Ben Dover Encoff was rushed to the hospital on
Tuesday with chronic coughing, hemorrhaging and
extremely dark circles beneath his eyes.
Encoff was diagnosed as being in the advance stages of the
AIDS disease and is not expected to live through the National
Gay Doctors Convention to be held in San Francisco Aug. 4.
Encoff said he was drinking boysenberry Kamikazes at a
local bar and met with a torrid love affair.
“I should haveknown better,” he said. “ I should have used
a condom.
“But you know w hat happens during the throes of passion
—you just forget. ”
Encoff said as soon as he is released from the hospital, he
will start a campuswide quest to have condom machines
installed in men’s and Women’s bathrooms.
“{t’s the best place to hang around and get acquainted with
some really swell guys, ” he said.
Encoff said he plans to deal with his disease as it
progresses naturally.
“ I am shying away from all experimental medication for
two reasons,” he said. “First of all, I don’t trust doctors and
second, I don’t want to lose any body parts, ”
Encoff said he now can enjoy using intravenous drugs
without the worry of contracting AIDS since he already has
the disease.
“It’s just a hobby of mine,” he said. “I learned to hit the
veins on medical school cadavers, and I haven’t been able to
put the needle down since. ”
Encoff said he will assume his director position with the
University as soon as he feels up to it.
“I see no conflict of interest between my disease and my
job,” he said, unwrapping the newest arrival of measle
vaccinations.
ASU President J. Russell Half-Nelson said Encoff’s
position with the University currently is under review.
“ It’s an under-the-cover issue if you know what I mean,”
he said. “Issues like this should be handled very delicately —
and preferably wi th rubber gloves.’’

After six months of drinking only apple juice and dining on raw oysters, junior animal husbandry major Marvin Plnaskl removed his
tape worm and was able to resume a normal diet.

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Siale Mess

Wednesday, A p rii 1,1987

Page 9

1

A SU co p slo p
University police are reluctant to report the following
incidents occurred in the 24-hour period ending 7 a.m.
Tuesday:
•University police arrested four Disassociated Students
executive officers Tuesday and charged them with 10 counts
of disturbing the peace, misappropriation of funds and
impersonating public officials.
In addition, DSASU President Crass Comeseeme was
charged with three counts of hedging issues.
Fridget Meltin, DSASU executive vice president, said: “It
was only a m atter of time before they caught up with us. I
think die police knew we were only in this for the great
football tickets.”
Comeseeme refused to talk to reporters, saying: “It’s a

pressing controversy which my staff is analyzing with
utmost diligence. I think it is worthy of extended discussion
with those in the University adminstrative hierarchy.”
•The following two bikes were not stolen:
A blue Huffy three-speed with a basket and a shiny, silver
bell on the handlebars. The bike was left unattended outside
the geology department.
A tan K-Mart one-speed with a bumper sticker reading, “I
Brake for Unicorns” and a lambswool covered seat. The bike
was locked to a rack in front of the College of Nursing.
•A student reported her car, a white Volkswagen Rabbit
convertible, was stolen from the Palo Verde Main parking lot
sometime Monday.
The ca r’s owner, 19-year-old Tracy Wannabof, said the car

could be identified by its “really bitchin’ stereo,” and
“Pledge Sister in Trunk” yellow sign.
But Wannabof reported Tuesday she only had misplaced
the vehicle.
•ASU police confiscated front bike tires from six students
who were riding their bikes on Cady Mall.
Instead of ticketing the bikers, police whipped wrenches
from their back pockets and unscrewed the tires, students
said.
Chip Indip, a business major, said he was riding his cruiser
down the mall when he was confronted by an officer.
“I was totally stressed,” Indip said. “A man has got to
have his mode of transportation, you know.”
— FROM STAFF INFECTIONS

Tem pe co p slo p
Tempe police reported the following
incidents ending nodn Tuesday:
•Police reported that a Tempe woman’s
home was broken into and the following
items taken: two ceramic Dalmatians,
valued at $500, a Cartier jeweled egg, valued
At $1,500, $800 worth of his and hers ski wear,
and the rest in a gift certificate from Service
Merchandise, Pat.
The 27-year-old woman reported that she
was a recent contestant on a popular
television game show and had just received
her winnings, police said.
•A 43-year-old Tempe woman was
arrested and charged with statutory rape
and contributing to the delinquency of a
minor, police said.

Norma Lmtercourse was arrested at her
Tempe apartment after police observed her
intoxicating young boys with “cheap wine”
and then taking advantage of them while in
a drunken stupor.
Police said Lintercourse told the youths
“ nothing had happened,” but after leaving
the woman’s “seedy apartment,” each boy
reported he had been newly circumcised,
police said.
Police said Lintercourse is being held at
Sigma Bita Itsolong fraternity house,
pending further investigation.
•An ASU maintenance worker was taken to
Tempe St. Luke’s Hospital after being
injured at the entrance of Lot 40, police said.
He received multiple puncture wounds to his

abdomen and torso after tripping over a
grating near a sign that read “Do Not Back
Up: Severe Tire Damage.”
A hospital spokesman said the man was in
stable condition, but should avoid
consuming liquids. Police said ASU officials
have transferred the impaled man to lawn
maintenance as a sprinkler system.
•A Tempe man was arrested and charged
with indecent exposure after two ASU
students reported to police that he was
hiding behind Hayden Library.
Police said the women saw Buster.
Hyman, an former gerbil farm owner,
extending an object they described as
“protruding, blood-engorged, throbbing,
scarlet-colored, slightly sweaty, sinewy,

and lightly covered with hair.”
Police later discovered that Hyman had
fallen from an ASU tram and broke his arm,
which he held in front of himself as he
walked to the Student Health Center.
The girls were not surprised, saying, “We
thought it was too big to be anything else. ”
* «Police apologized for the error.
•An unknown person stole a daypack
containing a wallet, six pencils, four
textbooks, a Sony Walkman, a Fischer
stereo, a Panasonic VCR, a beige sectional
loveseat and pillows, a men’s 12-speed
Nishiki bicycle, and a time-share condo.
Estimated loss is $856,000, police said.
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'

.

.

’’

■' 4 " ’

A SU weather

F r a t e r n it ie s

T o d a y ’ s fo r e c a s t
The above-average amount of
hot air rising from tha Admin­
istration and Mouar buildings
caused a high-pressure system
to emanate throughout the
southern portion of campus,
driving temperatures above the
400 degree mark, while the north­
east and southeast comers of
campus were under cold, hazing
skies. However, the Fraternity
Weather Bureau reported It was
not hazing but suspended those
portions of campus from any
nice weather tor the remainder
of the semester.

LEGEND
F r a te r n itie s

M agazine a sk s
fo rm e r co lo n e l
to expose it all

u iie n c

By MICHAEL SCOWL
Stale Mess

In a case of turnabout is
fair play, Playgirl magazine
has offered Col. Oliver North
$1.3 million to pose nude.
“I think everbody would
like to know just what a ‘true
believer’ like Ollie really
looks li k e ,” P la y g irl
spokesperson Wanda Lust
said.
“We’re hoping he has
nothing to hide on this one,”
she said.
But when asked about the
offer, North said, “I’ll have
to take the Fifth Amendment
on that one too,” before
rolling up the window of his
station wagon.
North’s secretary Fawn
Hall recently declined a
similar offer from Playboy
magazine.
Adm. John Poindexter,
upon hearing of North’s
o p tio n ,
s a id
h e is
disappointed because he did
not receive the same offer.
President Ronald Reagan
seemed genuinely suprised
when told of Playgirl’s offer.
“Geez, no one around here
tells me anything,” he said.
Reagan said he would not
be. su rp rised if North
accepted the offer.
“Ollie never was very
good a t keeping things
covered up,’’ he said.

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Stale Mess

Wednesday; April 1, 1987

Page 11

Weekend Hell
Stewart sets record as hood ornament
By M.J. MILLER
Stale Mess

Dirt, tacky stuff and other juicy
gossip from the entertainment files:
United They Stand:
•The Bradie Kids, one of the most
successful singing groups from the
’70s, will make a rare appearance
with their own children in show titled,
“Time to Change” at 1 a.m. Saturday
at A lice’s Bar ’N’ Grill. The show
sparks a revival for the group who
rose up the entertainment ladder in
the ’70s with their hit show “The
Bradie Banshees.” Tickets at $500
are available, f t all Emerajd’s ticket
outlets:
Y ■

The Bradie Banshees
Bullshot:
•Governor Eb Meekman will appear
in a one-man car show at 5:32 p.m.
Thursday at the Phoenix Hitman
Hotel. Leading p sych ic Jayne
Dickson predicts gunshots galore for
Arizona’s leading man. Among the
long list of personalities to appear
are Richard Nitson. After the
massacre, Meekman’s ghost will
parade Phoenix’s finest used car lots.
Admission is free. Bring your own
weapon!
Koochie Ca-Ca:
•Charrow and The Divorce Boat
Dancers make an appearance at 3:48
p.m. Friday at Lake Peasant’s
Mexican Chicken Ranch. The popular
sailing ensem ble, will perform the
world’s largest divorce ceremony,
with special guest Judge Walkman.
At interm ission, the dancing
mermaids will perform a special
ballad of “ Bridge over the River
Quiet” with Charrow as well as “ He
Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Ex.”
Smile:
•The Osmlnds appear tonight at 8 at
Dexter’s Dental Dormitory. Show
business’s favorite group will speak
on behalf of dental plaque in
America. In between, they will
perform “I’m A Little Bit Cavityprone, I’m A Little Bit Bicuspid.”
The Thick of It:
•Tacky T eddie’s Entertainm entGroup presents the Alin j Thick
personality contest at 6 a.m. Friday in
the Blue Moon Morgue. Contestants
must be dull, humorless and ugly.For more information, die.

It wasn’t that I was intimidated by his
presence or anything. I mean, OK, Jimmy
Stewart WAS in a bunch of Alfred Hitchcock
stuff and “The Shootist,” where he tells
John Wayne “You’ve got a cancer —
advanced!” and all. But it wasn’t like I was
assigned to spend the day with Valerie
Bertinelli and get all nervous with sweaty
palms or anything. I just figured on a casual
afternoon with the old guy, ordering too
many drinks and hearing about all this stuff
about the good ol’ days at Paramount or
something.
Boy was I wrong.
’ I should’ve known something was up when
he was two hours late to pick me up at the
airport. I figured “OK, this guy’s trying to
show me he’s pretty cool and I’m this snotty
little reporter from Arizona. OK, I can
deal,” and I went over and got a Diet Pepsi
and checked out this copy of “Hot Talk”
magazine. I was “reading” for a few
minutes and then I hear this tremendous
noise behind me but before I can turn
around there’s this horrible smell. And who
should be leaning on my back with an arm
around me but Jimmy Stewart, and he looks
BAD ! He smells like motor fuel and Italian
pasta, and it’s pretty obvious he’s plastered.
“C’mon kid,” he says, “let’s get outa’ here.
Screw the Sun Belt.” He grabs my arm and
webook.
As we careened down the Santa Monica
Freeway with my hair and Jimmy’s neckskin blowing towards the back seat, a harsh
{bought occurred to me. “Where DO old
movie stars go?” I’d always been under the
impression that there was some kind of huge
home or something, where Robert Mitchum
and-Avery Schreiber could go and chew the
fat and compare the fat, lounging and
swapping lies about Ava Gardner’s duckie
panties. And Jimmy was the most sacred.
He was the leading man — the guy you could
look up to in a Hitchcock flick, or in any
flick, to solve the mystery and get the girl
and be cool. Just then he pulled onto an off­
ramp and took his pants off.
So now I’m thinking this is REALLY going
to be one of those Hollywood interviews, and
Jimmy whips down his Helium-brand
boxers and leaps out onto the hood with his
arms outstretched like Moses on mescalin
and starts singing butchered Prince songs to
two anorexic blonde hitchhikers. He gets the
hip thrust just right and I’m too disgusted to
lode and just as I decide to finish 'that
microbiology degree, I hear “ . . . Don’t
have to be rich, to be my girl, don’t have to
be — WHUMP! SMASH! Oh Jesus!
SLUMP,” and I peek and out on the hood of
the car is matinee idol Jimmy Stewart,
holding himself with what looks like the
ELVIS CLONES POSSESS FACULTY
SOULS; REVEAL NEW UFO DIET
After some in-depth eavesdropping and
file stealing it was learned (through gossip)
that seme time long ago, but no sooner than
last semester, Human Sax professor Omen
Organ had this wild and torrid fling with
actress/spiritualist Shirley McNUggetLane, who was speaking on campus on
behalf of “Transcendentalism in Girl Scout
Troupes for Better Cookie Sales Across
America.”
Organ and McNugget-Lane had attended
an Elvis look-alike contest at the Cerebral
Theater one evening when McNugget-Lane
suddenly had the urge to meditate on the
hills of Peru.
They quickly boarded Shirley’s new fivespeed UFO and shortly thereafter they
found themselves checked into Peru’s finest
shack — complete with catering from Lama
King.
The search for themselves led them to an
out-of-the-way ’50s diner near the foothills.
McNugget-Lane felt something strange
within her bones — somehow she had the
feeling that she knew this Organ fellow
somewhere before. Despite her many illfated love affairs, she was certain that this
Organ would not measure up to her previous
close encounters of the third leg.
Organ denied all of her advances by

Jimmy Stewart
Vulcan death-grip and a strong desire to
urinate.
It’s actually MY desire to urinate, since
I’d had two rum and Cokes on the plane, but
it looked about the same on Jimmy. The
hitchhikers had vanished, obviously having
opted for a Volvo.and I’m stuck with a
varnished film legend wearing only a tan
line smashed to the hood of my RENTED
car and not a WORD about duckie panties
for my story.
So I go and do the outdoors thing in the
bushes and come back and scrape the star of
“It’s a Wonderful Life” off the bumper,
where he’s slid down to. I pull up his
imitation polyester trousers and after .02
seconds of deliberation, decide to put him in
the trunk, which is where old movie stars
end up, I guess. This works out fine until we
get close to the airport and .I hear large
thumping noises and realize that Jim m y’s
alive and ‘‘demanding a “Muy Rancho”

W hocares«».

breaking out into “Elvis” songs throughout
the conversation. After biting her tongue
over three “Hound Dogs,” McNugget-Lane
b ecam e c o n c e rn e d w ith O rg a n ’s
measurably difference in behavior.
• She tried taking him back to the shack,
but Organ was all shook up. He was out of
control. His hips started thrusting to-andfro. Peruvian women fell to their knees and
gave grace to Organ.
A local talent scout saw the charade and
booked him on the “Jungle Book Show” —

breaded fish meal-deal at Carl’s Jr.
But I take no chances. And, not having lost
my sense of humor about the whole affair, I
pull into McDonald’s and get a fish filet and
waft fish fumes into the cracks in the trunk.
Revenge is a dish best served greasy and
fattening.
I arrive at the airport and book the next
flight back to the Sun Belt and wonder what
to do with my less-than-gracious guest,
who’s STILL not sober and is threatening to
sue me and remove my pelvis and force me
to watch “Hotel” reruns if I don’t relieve
him of his confinement, post-haste. But I’m
sure he’s relieved himself already and so,
well, you get the picture.
So now I’m on the plane back home, and
without my story. But never fear, there’s
always that sure-fire escape hatch for the
deadlined journalist. Have you ever heard
of creative writing? Or better yet, have you
heard my story about Rod Stewart and
Alana Hamilton’s duckie panties?

Peru’s answer to Ed Sullivan. Fam e and
fortune came quick for Organ, as hit singles
like “Blue Suede Sandies” and “Love Me
Tendenpin” flew off the charts.
Movie offers followed. Organ was thrilled
over his feature films, including ‘‘Lama
Bake” and “Kissin’Coffee.”
McNugget-Lane eventually becam e
concerned over Organ’s plight — he had
been gaining weight due to an over
abundance of banana bread.
With no other choice, she consulted a local
guru who revealed that the soul of an Elvis
clone had contaminated Organ’s body,
causing him to break out in Elvis song every
downbeat.
One night, McNugget-Lane had an out-ofbody experience on a UFO with the
president of the United States, Bucaroo
Bonzo. The two swapped inspirational ideas
at arm s length and, as Bonzo found himself
finally understanding the word “contra­
ceptive,” McNugget-Lan\ came back to
earth filled with the same/jfy via a new diet
plan that would cure poor Organ.
Organ was elated. At long last he would
have his slim, svelte figure again.
The two rode off into another life, leaving
the diet book behind for all to enjoy. For
your own personal copy, please write Organ
and McNugget-Lane c/of Graceland Manor,
The Planet Pluto.

Page 12

■

Stale Mess

Wednesday, ApriMJ_1987

‘Torture’ h ostess to dem onstrate tools of trade
By KRAIG GROSS
Stale Mess

Oh that VarmaJ

University students will get a comedic
kick in the keyster when gameshow’s
favorite Barbie doll, Vanna Black, makes a
rare appearance tonight at 6:30 in Rudy’s
Roulette Lounge.
Black, who rose to the top by appearing
TV’s “Wheel of Torture,” will appear in the
“ P ro d u c t S tro k in g S em in ar,”
a
lecture/modeling show which she initiated
on behalf of better product sampling within
the grocery/department store and/or game
show.
Although Black is going for a darker,
more discreet image these days due to the
recent centerfold in Fortune Magazine, she
is strong in her convictions when it comes to
modeling—especially letters.
“Letters are my life,” Black said in a
recent Game Show Digest article. “Without
them, I’d be just another cheap bimbo in
Hollywood trying to sleep my way to the
top.”
Lately, Black has been sleeping her way
up to another success — the “Product
Stroking Seminar. ’’
In the seminar, Black will speak to
aspiring airheads on how to stroke, fondle
and manipulate household items. Black will
begin the demonstration by fondling
porcelain elephant tusks similar to the ones
used on “Wheel of Torture.”
Black feels the seminar will help educate
the natural “fondling” instincts most people
have.
“ It’s in everyone’s blood,” Black said
with a deep laugh. “It’s important to know
that people can learn how turn over and/or

Vanna Black

model many things that are important to
them —not just crossword puzzle letters.
Black began her career as “one of those
women who make tiny pizza appetizers in
the aisles of Safeway,” in Bumble Bee, Ariz.
She admits that she always had a calling for
modeling most anything.
“I remember how much fun it was going
down the aisles stroking boxes of macaroni,
Creamettes and alphabet soup,” she
smirked.
It wasn’t until a talent scout became
stranded in the town that Black started
getting recognition.
“He needed a place to stay, so we spun
letters all night,” she laughed. “I’ll admit I
took advantage of him, but how else was I to
get my name in lights?”
Hollywood soon feD in love with Black and
it wasn’t long until the “Wheel of Torture”
audition came her way.
“They had us spin around on the floor and
model Creamettes all day long — and just
for a dumb job that pays 20 grand an
episode.”
The success of “Wheel of Torture” is
spawning a host of new oppotunities for
Black. Among them is her recently
completed how-to bode entitled, “You and
your G-space.”
Although Black has a long list of failures,
she is especially proud of her achievements
in the Brain-dead School for Barbie and
Ken. It was there that Black refined her
fondling and stroking techniques. She
graduated from her class with honors,
quickly moving past toaster ovens to La-ZBoy rec liners.
“I’m working my way up to power tools,”
she giggled.

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FIFTH ANNIVERSARY SEASON
ASU Friends of Music present

THE NEW ART STRING QUARTET
Spend an afternoon with F rie n d s. . .

Sunday, April 5 * 4 p.m.
Tickets: $6
' •••

Up to 18 Aerobics Classes a Day
N O CO N T RACT S/
YOUR F IR S T V ISIT
IS F R E E

Q U IN TESSEN CE
"Classics Old and New"
with Susan Duer, Guest Pianist
Arizona's premier woodwind quintet presents a varied program that is scheduled
to include Opus No. Zoo (Chiildron's Play for Wind Chiintet) by Luciano Berio.
George Perle’s 1965 Pulitzer Prize-winning Wind Quintet No. 4 (a Southwest
premiere) and Quintet for Piano and Winds. Op. 16 by Beethoven.

Tuesday, April 7 * 8 p.m.
Tickets: $7

LAURA MOYA
Dances and Music of Spain

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Saturday, April 11 • 8 p.m.
Tickets: $7

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• 1 5 ,0 0 0 lbs. of free weights
• 14 Heartmate com puter bikes
• 2 Wolff system suntan beds
• Ju ice bar with nutritional counseling
• Professional trainers for rent
• Free instruction tor new m em bers
• A ir conditioning
• We have n o salesm en!

Beauvais’

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A SU students, faculty end staff may purchase O N E o r TW O tickets for Half-Price with
presentation of ASU 1.0. Students will be required to show a validated photo l.D.
when purchasing their tickets as well as at the door on the night of the concert.

Phoenix: 4 8 4 3 N orth 8th Place
2 3 0 -0 0 5 5

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Tempe: 1102 W. So u th e rn Ave.
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• HEARTSWMTE
C O M P U T E R IZ E D B IC Y C L E S

Stale Met»

Wednesday, April 1,1987

Page 13

Popular moose Interviews rock singer
Hey kids! Watch me pull a musician out of my hat1!
Nothing up my sleev e. . . presto!
Ooh. Yngwie Malmsteen. Well, we'll pretend.
Hey, Bullwinkle the Moose here. Welcome to my hard-’
hitting and intellectually provoking column. Today’s
subject: heavy metal.
Today’s very special guest is Yngwie Malmsteen.
Bullwinkle the Moose: So tell the folks a little about yourself,
Yngwie.
Yngwie Malmsteen: 1 was born in Sweden, that really
teeming bastion of musical genius that produced at best two
minor classical composers in the history of human kind. Also
Abba.
Moose: And was this musical atmosphere helpful in your
artistic pursuits?
Malmsteen: My autistic pursuits really were designed
mostly to rectify the Swedish music scene. I mean, this is
Abba we’re talking about. At least the Carpenters were cute.
Moose: So you saw yourself as a sort of remedy.
Malmsteen: Yeah, well, yeah. I mean, it was really tough
trying to develop any sort of musical taste in the place that
spawned Abba.
(
But I can’t really say I didn’t acquire any of my current
attributes— in the Biblical sense of the word — from Sweden.
I mean, my haircut is typically Swedish, really.
Also, I dress like a typical Swede.
Moose: The watch?
Malmsteen: Swiss, actually.
Moose: ijid you say actually?
Malmsteen: Naturally.
Moose: What about the total lack of chest hair?
Malmsteen: Hey, the British influence is really noticable in
this business. Call It keeping up with the Durans.
The Nair is American, although I often have to redo my

ankles and toes 1
Moose: So what exactly is your background, Yngwie?
Malmsteen: I ’m a classically trained pianist, really.
Moose: Now, surely you must have had a Swedish idol in that
field.
Malmsteen: That’s Yngwie, and to be honest, the only
musical personality I appreciated on that front was
Liberace. Really, I admired his fashion sense the most, but
I’ve taken some hints from him for my stage presentation as
well.
I think it’s really great what Liberace achieved. Really. I
mean, I’ve had to transfer my talent to heavy metal to get
away with the same crap he did.
Moose: So, how would you define your sound for the folks?
What sets you apart from every other flying squirrel on the
circuit?
Malmsteen: You mean other than being Swedish? Oh, OK.
Well, I think I have a more theatrical sound — less
gimmicky, really, than like Cinderella but more involved
than Van Hagai? or whatever.
Moose: So what’s next from Yngwie Malmsteen?
Malmsteen: I’m considering turning Trilogy into a movie, a
kind of a really gothic swords and sorcery hi-tech fantasy
animation flick kind of thing — you know* laser beams,
mechanical horses, things like that. Aw, that’d be really
great. I’d play opposite Arnold Schwarzenegger.
I’m also planning to release a new album in the winter.
Maybe a hard-rock tribute to Liberace.
But my most immediate projects include locating the
vowels missing from my first name and taking a serious look
at changing my citizenship.
Moose: Really? Where would you go?
Malmsteen: U don’t know, really. Somewhere with a rich
musical tradition. Maybe Ohio.

1EEDA COOL PLACE TO LIVE THIS SUMMER??
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• C re d it c a rd s a c c e p te d » Free ticket delive ry

C a ll regarding great student summer
abroad packages for Europe & Asia.
15 d a y s in G re e c e $539 plus air
21 d a y s 11 c o u n trie s $896 plus air
Many more combinations to choose from!
R e m e m b e r to p u rch a se yo u r tic k e ts
e a rly to get th e lo w e s t fares!
Dom estic: R o u n d T rip airfares (’ student fares)
’ Chicago . . . . ____ $134.30 Los Angeles.......... $50.00
Denver ...............$118.00 ’ B o s to n ................$168.30
Minneapolis......... $158.00 Des Moines — .$158.00
’ NewYork . . . . . . . $168.30 ’ Miami ................. $188.30
Certain restrictions do apply. Alt-fares subject to change without notice.

UTILITIES INCLUDED

RESERVATIONS ACCEPTED BY DATE PRIORITY BASIS s

CA LL 8 9 4 -2 3 0 0
ASU students study abroad summer 1987
EN G LAN D
JU S TIC E

ARCHITETTURA ITALIA 1987
M ay 2 9 - J u l y 3
D irector: Prof. M a x U n d e rw o o d
A rc h ite c tu re
Fee: $990 A S U T u itio n & A ir Extra
O ffe re d by: C o lle g e o f A rc h ite c tu re and
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M ay 26 - J u n e 28
D irector: Prof. T h o m a s S c h a d e
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Fee: $1,870 A S U T u itio n & A ir Extra
O ffe re d by: S c h o o l o f J u s tic e S tu d ie s
6 Sem ester H o u rs o f C re d it

SUMMER IN ITALY - FLORENCE

SUMMER IN LONDON - ART

J u n e 18 - J u ly 25
D irector: Prof. T h e o d o re C a c h e y
Fee: $1,550 A ir Extra
O ffe re d by: F o re ig n L a n g u a g e s Dept.
7 S e m e ste r H o u rs o f C re d it

J u n e 1 - J u ly 3 (w ith o n e w eek o f travel)
D irector: Prof. N ic h o la s de M atties
Prof. Ja m e s W hite
Fee: $2,140 T u itio n Extra
O ffered by: C o lle g e of F in e A rts
3 Sem ester H o u rs of C re d it

SUMMER STUDY IN EUROPE

SPAIN - MALAGA AND MADRID

ITALIAN - ART HISTORY - HISTORY
Th« Most Popular, Fast and Fun Way
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J u n e 12 - J u ly 30
D irector: Dr. M ic h a e l F ly s

M a y 28 - J u ly 2
D irector: Prof. E dw ard A . C o o k
U rb a n /R e g io n a t P la n n in g
Fee: $1,050 A S U T u itio n & A ir Extra
O ffe re d by: C o lle g e o f A rc h ite c tu re and
E n v iro n m e n ta l D e sig n /P la n n in g
5 S e m ester H o u rs o f C re d it

SPANISH-FOREIGN LANGUAGE-GEO­
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Fee: $1,450 A ir Extra
O ffered by: F o re g in L a n g u a g e s Dept.
6 Sem ester H o u rs of C re d it

NEW YORK APPAREL INDUSTRIES
M a y 18 - M a y 31
D irector: Prof. K a th le e n P eters
T e x tile s & C lo th in g
Fee: $1,200 A S U T u itio n E xtra
O ffered by: F a m ily R e so u rc e s/H u m a n Dev.
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FOR PROGRAM INFORMATION AND APPLICATION FORMS, CONTACT THE OFFICE OF
SUMMER SESSIONS, ACADEMIC SERVICES BUILDING, ROOM 110, OR TELEPHONE
965-0811. LONDON SEMESTER INFORMATION AVAILABLE. REGISTRATION NOW IN
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b

r

Stale Mess

Wednesday, April 1,1987

Page 14

Shots
in the
Dark

“I’m not an actor, but I play one on TV,” Insists
Robby between sobs.

Director Steven Spielberg attempts to explain Tim Matheson’s “vegetables are sensual” joke to an attentive Whoople
Goldberg.

SEDER

SEDER IN THE DESERT

Monday, April 13 at 6:45 p.m.
Students $ 8 .0 0

Saturday, April 18
Students
$ 4 .0 0
Faculty/Staff $ 7 .0 0

RSVP b y A pril 6. No reservations
accepted w ithout paym ent.
at Hillel Jewish'Student Center
1012 S. Mill Ave., Tempe

Meet at Hillel at 5:00 or at
South Mt. Park ramada 3 at 5:45.
RSVP by April 6 or there
w ill be a $2.00 surcharge.

I

PASSOVER MEAL PLAN
at Hillel Jewish Student Center, 1012 S. Mill Ave.
LUNCHES 4-16
12:15 p.m .

4 -1 7

6.00 p.m .

C o m m u n ity

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$ 1 2 .0 0

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4-20
4-21
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Students
4 Dinners

-

(includes Shabbat)

4„16

all 8 meals

4-17
4-20
Paul Hogan protests Australia’s loss In the America’s CUp. Later
he returns to Earth, stuffs dog poop In mailboxes and spends 9%
minutes molesting Kim Bassinger’s lawn furniture.

liK d t e d

5444 l .

No reservations w ill be accepted w ithoutpaym ent. Reservations m ust be m ade
by M onday, A pril 6. There w ill be no regular Tues. lunch on April 14 o r A pril 21.

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Stole Mess

D IR TY L A U N D R Y
It seems Max Headroom is tired of being a square.
America’s favorite tube boob is demanding more
geometrically creative living quarters (to say nothing 0f
lower torso and appendages) for his upcoming ABC-TV
series “Max Headroom: Twenty Minutes into the Future.”
However, ABC moguls aren’t buying it. A representative of
ABC said Max’ head is getting too roomy, and he has been
plugged into a 10-inch black and white until his microchips
shrink back to normal size.
Rumor has it that America’s shortest sex guru is passing
on more than words of advice. Reports state that Dr. Rude
Yeastheimer, having recently been diagnosed as an AIDS
virus carrier, has apparently infected as many as 46 patients
in at least two nursing homes in Wharton, N.J. “Wvut can I
say; older is vetter,” said Yeastheimer. Examinations are
ongoing. Sorry, Dr. Rude, you’re off the air.
La, la, la, he, he, she? Prince is listed in stable condition
today in San Francisco Memorial Hospital after an alleged
suicide attem pt Tuesday. Doctors said the hairless

ChefJean Marie
p V ct f |t e
I*

performer, who has just released the title single from a
forthcoming double album, Sign Of The Times, cut two main
arteries — one in his"left leg and his left arm — while
shaving. At the hospital Prince-ling Lisa Coleman said she
feels personally responsible for the accident. “If I would
have known he was going to borrow my bikini, I would’ve
never used the last tube of his depilatory.”

allowance to $200,000 a week, ’’ she said. Mary Kay, the firm’s
pink president, said the deal is being hampered by a clause
which stipulates that Mrs. Bakker, as a representative of
Mary Kay Cosmetics, must ‘‘refrain from exaggerated
waterworks during prayer.” Mrs. Bakker contends this is a
violation of her first amendment right to freedom of religion.

Out of control: The youngest, sassiest and chubbiest of the
Jackson clan, Janet Jackson, has eaten her way into the
center pages of Big Is Beautiful magazine. The pop singer
isn’t too upset by her weight gain. “At least Michael doesn’t
borrow my clothes anymore,” she said. Up next for Janet
Jackson: “Porky’s III?”

Opus, the lovable waterfowl of “Bloom County” fame, has
filed a civil suit with the Los Angeles Superior Court against
Berke Breathed, the cartoon’s creator. The suit charges
Breathed with “cruel and unusual punishment.” Opus
refused comment, but words above his head said: “I didn’t
really mind the nose transplant or the liposuction, but
becoming an eggplant was the last straw.”

Praise the Lord: Tammy Faye Bakker is negotiating a
modeling contract with Mary Kay Cosmetics. Mrs. Bakker,
who has the distinction of being wed to TV’s infamous
evangelist Jim, is also the only known woman to have worn
the makeup company’s entire line at once. Mrs. Bakker said
she wants the job for extra cash. “Jim cut my household

Teen idol Michael J. Fox has come down with a mild case
of pneumonia, his managers say. “Two diet Pepsis in one
commercial was just too much,” Fox said.

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Stale Mess

Page 16

‘Ghandi II’ : Stallone busts heads as mad-as-hell holy man
By M.J. MILLER
Stale Mesg.

There are cinematic coups and then there
are cinematic COUPS. Just ask Sly Stallone.
He’ll tell you. And now, just when you
thought it was safe to smear your girlfriend
in vaseline and dive into a tub of Jiffy Pop,
he’s back, and he’s mad as hell.
Or rather.Ghandi’s, mad as hell, and in
“Ghandi II” he’s ' not gonna take it
anymore. The once peace-loving priest has
had it with pacifism and is now in the
market for some high-tech weaponry,
serious tattooing and intensive tequilabonging. It’s more fun than a man of the
cloth should be allowed to have.
Ghandi, upon returning from the dead and
finishing a big meal, embarks on a crusade

Sonic cuts«
fungal growth
mark new LPs
D e rric k
B a r s t o c k ’s
Technicolor Tuna Brigade —
Huh?
'
Wow, this record is like,
way beyond your wildest
dreams. It’s an absolute
STEAL at $9 or whatever
they’re asking these days.
Hell, it’d be worth four times
that. This record will make
you see God; it’ll solve your
personal problems; it’ll
clear up your complexion.
Holy cow what an album;
you just gotta hear it to
believe it.
S ledgew ay
Barstock
Einsturzende Meisterbrau—
From Beer to Eternity
F rbm the depths of
Deutschland has emerged a
new leader in the post­
industrial music genre —
Einsturzende Meisterbrau
(German for “collapsing
m a s te r b e e r” ). G arf
R e tc h m a n n ,
D e ri
Heidelberg, Ivan “ The
Terrible” Stutka and Ebar
L u b rid e rm , u se only
specially modified electric
blenders and bagpipes to
emit a dark, dense, grungy,
evil, testy, sonic fungus
which burns through your
speaker cones, then oozes
onto your floor before
heading downstairs into the
living room where your
roommate, unsuspecting, is
watching “Lifestyles of the
Rich and Famous. ”
It engulfs the helpless
couch potato in an acidic
thrdb of opaque plasma, but
it is not satiated with simply
stopping there. It thunders
through the front door,
devouring small children,
bewildered pets, shrubs, all
w ith in its p a th . The
unstoppable juggernaut of
sound continues across town
on a mindless quest for more
. . . it must have more!
The demonic product of
your stereo finds a wellpopulated area to continue
its carnage — ASU at noon.
It rumbles slowly north on
Catty Mall, picking only the
choicest cuts of coed to crush
b e n e a th its im m ense
volume.
My God, what have we
done? What transgression of
the laws of the universe have
we made in committing this
monster to vinyl? Is there
anyway to stop it?
The creature reaches,
enters Matthews Center. It
devours students waiting for
financial aid, students
looking for jobs. Slithering
into the bowels of the
building, down a narrow
hallway into the Stale Mess
inner sanctum. It spies
several perspiring staffers,
fe v e ris h ly
ty p in g
at
terminals, unaware of the
fate that Eeeearrrrrgh!

to rid India once-and-for-all of the pesky
British and vacationing John Madden;
He starts innocently enough by visiting
eachindividual British home and refusing to
leave. Ghandi spends hours in the john,
makes long distance phone calls and orders
pizza and then disappears.
But “ the G’s” not one to despair, and, in
true Stallone tradition, out comes the Frank
Stallone music and we get an hour and a half
of great Ghandi bicep shots and butts in
shape.
Things turn for the worst, however, and
Ghandi is forced out of desperation to
declare “I will use no steroids until India is
made a free nation,” — a sad commentary
on the current abuse of anabolics in the
ministry.

D I D

Y O

Ghandi’« ticked oft. Here he vents his wrath on the Insensitive trucking Industry.

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spurts
Stale Mess

Splice
Doctors try experiment,
create perfect hoopster
By SEIG HEILER

Stale Mess
In an experimental cloning procedure, the
athletic departm ent has created a
combination of ASU center Tarre Isiah and
point guard Arthur Thomas.
“We got the idea from a column in the
Stale Mess,” Athletic Director Gnarled
Hairless said. “It said it would be great if we
could combine the two and come up with
Isiah Thomas.
“We decided to give it a shot?
Dr. Gene Splicer, who performed the
procedure, said that things didn’t go
perfectly at first; but with a few
adjustments, he said, the kinks were worked
out.
“We had to determine which genes to take
from each donor,” Splicer said. “The first
time, we wound up with a short guy who
missed a lot of layups. We knew we had to go
back to the drawing boaird.”
Splicer said the procedure required only a
few cells from each donor, which were
combined and then matured at an
accelerated rate. The offspring — dubbed
Isiah Thomas — is already signed up. for
classes in the fall and has been offered a
scholarship.
“The best thing about it is we didn’t even
have to give up Arthur,” Hairless said.
“He’ll still be out there, feeding assists to
his ‘son.’ ”
Arthur Thomas was excited about the
prospect of playing with his soulmate.
“It’s going to be really weird,” Arthur
said, looking at the 6-10 Isiah Thomas
practicing free throws. “I can’t wait to hit
myself with ah alley-oop. It’s gonna be
sweet.”

AImbuite s tl

‘Trying to guard him is
like something out of a
science fiction movie.’
— Game Wrecker
There are still questions to be answered,
however, about the newborn Isiah Thomas’
future with the Sun Devils. NCAA officials
are deliberating ids eligibility.
Tarre Isiah has used all his eligibility,
while Arthur Thomas has one year to go.
The NCAA can’t seem to decide whether the
“secret weapon” — as he’s called by the
athletic department — has no eligibility, one
year or all four years.
But the athletic department hopes he can
play — for obvious reasons, according to
forward Game Wrecker.
“Trying to guard him is like something
out of a science fiction movie,” Wrecker
said. “The guy’s 6-10, has a vertical leap of
40 inches, throws brutal passes and
penetrates the lane so quick you’re looking
at his navel before you know he left the
ground.
“He can pick a quarter off the top of the
backboard and leave 12 cents change. ”
But the secret weapon himself is
considering leaving prematurely.
“I’d almost like to go hardship and just
head into the pros, ’’ the six-week-old mutant
said. “I’ve already had a couple of hushhush offers.
“But I feel like I owe these guys too much
to leave them high and dry. I mean, they did
create me and all.”

nujw/dun«*
TIM new Isiah Thomas, triumph of modem technology scores a bucket In a scrimmage.

po yoor

D ru n k ta n k
ASU Athletic Director Gnarled
Hairless announced a change
in University policy regarding
alcohol consumption in Sun
Devil Stadium Tuesday. Alco­
hol is to be allowed, and those
who have had too much are to
be held at the passout gate
until they recover. “We’ve been
planning this a long time,’’
Hairless said. ‘That’s what the
passout gate was supposed to
be for. But I really didn’t expect
to see this many people passed
out during a Kansas City
Chiefs practice.”
O d d Purple/Staie Met»

Stale Mess

j)(tedo«ds¿AprjM4l987

Ijg e lS

S tu d s
A S U fo o tb all coach J o h n ,
Cooper said yesterday he re­
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__________ urinalysis__________
Stale M C*»

Wednesday, April 1,1987

, Page 19

Stale M ess sports editors film com m ercial,
get jailed for fighting with basketball greats
By JUSTICE B R EN N A N
Supreme Court

Two Stale Mess spurts editors were
arrested for public lewdness and
drunkenness last night following a
complaint by Tempe residents saying
“those two spurtswriters were fighting with
an old man and a basketball player,”
Tempe police said.
The complaint was filed against Seig
Heiler; Stale Mess spurts editor and his
spurts urine analyst, Thad Obenauer, for
fighting behind a Tempe bar with'former
UCLA basketball coach John Wooden and
Los Angeles Laker Earvin “Magic”
Johnson.
“There they were, clothes all torn up,
beating the daylights out of each other,”
police spokesman Steve Roids said. “Heiler
looked like he w as holding his own with the
old guy, but Obenauer was getting
pummeled.”

Tempe city jail without bail for an
unannounced period of time.
“We’re hoping to keep them here as long
as we can.” Roids said. “We’re spurts fans,
and we’re just a little sick of the
meaningless tripe they call journalism. ”
Wooden and Johnson refused to comment,
but in a prepared statement said, “We wish
we never would have hooked up with those
two guys at the Pac-10 tournament. ” /
A similar incident took place in Watts, a
suburb of Los Angeles, last month when
Heiler and Obenauer were rolled in an alley
after a few too many mobile cocktails. Stale
Mess photographer Ron Kujo was nearby
taking spot news photos of area transients.
Both journalists have been barred from
all press conferences, with emphasis on
those given by ASU basketball coach Sleeve
Scatterbrain.
Heiler said as he sat in his drunk tank at
the Tempe jail, “They’re all going down. . .
hard!!!.
Anheuser-Busch, the corporation that
produces Budweiser, has disassociated
itself from Heiler and Obenauer, claiming
that their contracts have been violated and
that film crews can’t be expected to work
inside a prison, or a hospital, which is where
Obenauer was taken to treat ^severe
lacerations, contusions and alcohol
poisoning.

The four men had apparently just finished
shooting a beer commercial and gone on a
bar-hopping sp ree on rollerskates.
Witnesses Said there was a fifth man
involved, apparently a bartender at
Shepherd’s bar on Rural Road.
“It’s all hype,” Heiler said. “We were just
out for some greyhounds (a cocktail made
with vodka and grapefruit juice) and got
into a little wrestling match. ”
The four are to be featured in a
“Those boys are in some serious trouble, ”
commercial for Budweiser, which is an
said Spuds MacKenzie, spokesman for
attempt to answer the successful campaign
Budweiser. “I’ve been down that road
of Miller Lite.
before. Ever since Dino left the kennel we
Obenauer, known for his flamboyant
grew up in, he’s been off on the wrong paw.”
behavior among local press circles, said, “I MacKenzie licked his stomach for a while,
thought those guys would be cool, especially
bit his flank and returned to the
Magic.
conversation.
“People used to call me a party animal in
“But Seig said something about Pac-10
the kennel,” he said. “But I could never hold
basketball being weak, and he and Wooden
a snausage to Dino. That animal really
started brawling,” he said.
knew how to party.”
Heiler and Obenauer were booked into the

Thad Obenauer and Selg Heller promoting 12 ounces of liquid toast.

Stak.Mets

Wednesday, April 1,1987

Local boy
Phoenix hoop coach to fill vacancy for Devils
By SLAVE DODGES
Stale Mess
ASU announced Tuesday that John
.Darkcloud has been hired to replace Sleeve
Scatterbrain as head coach of the ASU
basketball team.
Scatterbrain was released earlier in the
day when he said he refused to coach in any
league Hooker Turnpike was officiating.
Darkcloud, fired earlier this season as
head coach of the Phoenix Guns, said he was
happy to be remaining in the Valley and was
looking forward to bringing the Sun Devils
to next year’s Final Four in Kansas City,
Mo.
Scatterbrain, 25-31 in his two-year career
at ASU, is rumored to be high on the. list to
fill the vacancy for the Guns coaching
position, currently being held by interim
coach Dick Van Boring, former radio
announcing partner to A1 Obnoxious.

Igjj

Darkcloud becom es only the eighth head
coach at ASU since the University began a
basketball program in 1933.

ASU athletic director Gnarled Hairless
said the actual hiring was performed by
Stale Mess sports editor Seig Heiler.
“I felt that Seig had the knowledge to
choose a w o rth y s u c c e s s o r for
Scatterbrain,” Hairless said. “We wanted
some student input as we are hoping for a
sell-out season in all sports next year — not
just football.

Anotlwr oM photo
Former Guns coach John Darkcloud is taking over for ASU.

“The athletic department is hoping to sell
more than 5,000 student season tickets for
basketball next year, and we will be handing
out gold pompons at all games next year.
We’re really excited about it.”
Hairless said Heiler’s numerous columns

about the Sun Devil basketball team seemed
to make more sense than the columns about
other sports.
“ I knew where he was coming from,”
Hairless said. “ I discussed (Heiler’s)
suggestions with one of my good buddies in
Boston (Nordics head coach K.C. Jones) .
“K.C. said the ideas would probably work
and suggested we just hire Seig as the head
coach, but I thought that would cause too
much controversy.”
Heiler declined comment on his selection
of Darkcloud, but did say, “Maybe now we’ll
get more ASU fans in the Inactivity Center
than UA fans for THE GAME.”
Darkcloud — who was in his 14th year as
head coach of the Guns before being fired —
compiled an overall record of 579-542 as the
mentor of the Madhouse on McDowell and
brought the Guns to the NBA Finals in 1976
before losing to the Boston Nordics in a
memorable seven-game series.
“With all the assists that Arthur Thomas
has dished -out, and all the points Dark
Casino has scored in the paint, I think we’ll
have a competitive team next year,”
Darkcloud said.
ASU ticket office manager Dyin’ Yeager
said the ticket office started receiving
“thousands” of calls as soon as it was
announced Darkcloud would be coaching
the Sun Devils.
“Most people have been wanting to know,
if they can just transfer their season tickets
from the Coliseum (where the Guns play) to
the Inactivity Center,” Yeager said.
“Right now we’re just telling them to hold
on to their Guns tickets. Maybe we’ll have a
lottery.”

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I want to put them in.’
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the cob, three orders of french fries or
mashed potatoes and gravy. For just $8.99!

Add 30« tor all-white orders. Offer good on.y at participating
locations. Not valid with any other offer. One coupon per customer per
visit. Offer expires 5-15-87. Customer pays all applicable taxes.

Offer good only-at participating locations. Not valid with any other
offer. One coupon per customer per visit. Offer expires 5-15-87.
Customer pays alt applicable taxes.

Good only at 1135 E. Apache, Tempo
(Com er of Terrace & Apache)

Good only at 1135 E. Apache, Tempe
(Corner of Terrace & Apache)

Terrace Road
Apartments
WALK TO SCHOOL!
1/2 b lo ck from C am pus. H uge w e ll-furnished 1-bedroom
1-bath, and 2-bedroom 2-baths, a ll u tilitie s in clu d e d , p lu s
large heated pool, sp a c io u s laun dry fa c ilitie s and ca b le TV.

"Remember — Church’s on Apache offers a 10% discount for a ll ASU students and faculty
with 1.0. Offer not good on any special offers. We prepare special orders for a ll occasions.

w

B A R G A I N PRICE

A LL SHOW S BEFO RE 6 P M MON THRU FRI
SAT . S U N 6 H OU O AYS FIRST SHOW ONLY

843-4593

«

a n d K lÄ o A P

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L. 829 0344 Ru^i& Unr^rsjTv >

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MESA AT50 .0NGM0RF
« 3UPEEIS1I110A

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11:45,2:15,4:45.7:15.9:45

THE MiSDOO ID 12:00.2:45
RADIO DAYS |P0| 5:30.7:45,9:45

OLMI SATE |PS1D
12:15.2:30,4:45,7:00,9:00

NIGHTMARE 0* ELM STREET PT. 3 (D
12:45.3:00.5:15.7:45.10:15

CROCODILE DUNDEE |PG|
« 4 5 . 3:00.5:15.7'jo. 9:45

M O K K M T ID 11:45. 5:15.10:00
K A T M 2:00. ODO

LETHAL WEAPON ID
12:45.3:00.5:15,7:30.10:00

M M E H M V WONDERFUL (WI3)
« 1 5 . 2:30.4:45.7:00.9:15

OUTRAGEOUS FORTUNE ID
1:15.3:15.5:15.7:15.9:15

HEAT |R| 3.00.7:45
HONEYMOON HU 12:30,5:15.10:00

PLATOON |R)
11:45,2:15,4:45,7:30.10:00

OTAR TREK IV (P6| 12:00.5:00.10:00
U1NI MW MMMMMPtU) 2:30,7:30 /

OUTRAGEOUS FORTUNE |R|
1:45.3:45.5:45.6:15.1015
NIGHTMARE IN ELM STREET PT. 3 |R|
1:00.3:15.5:30.7:45.945

SOME NINO OF W0N0ERFUL |P0I3|
12:15.2:30.4:45.7:00.915

LETHAL WEAPON ID
1 12:00,2:15,4:30,7:00,8:30

^ 249-2843

*T00
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MIDNIGh.
SHOWS

FRIDAY & SATURDAY

^

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west ^s o u t h e r n

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12:45,3:00.5:00.7:00.0:15

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«15,2:30.4:45.7:00,915

NSHTMAIF ON ELM STREET IH
12:15.230.4:45.7:15,9:30

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M T IA IE IV I FUTURE
« 0 0 .9 1 5 ,4:45.7:45.10:00

« 4 5 . 3:00.5:15.7:30 945

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V J 2 X L 2-30.4:30.7:00,9:15

SUM M ER
R e s e rv e y o u r D isco u n t w h ile th e y last.
P re p a y fo r th re e m o n th s a n d get the fo u rth

FREE

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12:30.2:45,5:00.7:15.9:30

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^12:00.2:30. 500.7X1. <0:00

9 6 6 -8 5 4 0

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12:00.2:1& 4:30.7:30.10:00

SOME UNO OF WONDERFUL |P013|
12:15.3tt). 5:00,7:15,0:15

*

834-5767

9 5 0 S . T e rra ce Rd.

T h e S to ra g e S itfe
*o,

242 W. Southern
Tempe, AZ 85282

966-9665

NO

*

Stale Mass

D ark c lo u d o p e n s d o o r
for return of A llthew ay
By SEIG HEILER

Stale M ess

Former ASU forward Takeit Alltheway,
whose mottled past with the team ended last
season with form er coach Sleeve
Scatterbrain’s dismissal, may be back
again, like a bad case of acne.
Scatterbrain had announced that “the
door was open” for Alltheway to return to
the team, because he “deserved a second
chance.”
“And besides,” Scatterbrain said, “he’s a
pretty good ball player. He can do a lot for
us, as a player and as an individual.”
Following Scatterbrain’s resignation,
spurred by protests of poor Pac-10
officiating, newly appointed coach John
Darkcloud said he really wanted to take a
look at Alltheway.
“I hear he likes to drill student
m a n a g e r s , ” Darkcloud said. “Anybody with
that kind of spirit is welcome to try out for
m yteam .”
Darkcloud said he was fed up with trying
to teach people how to play basketball, and
that he had decided the way to win games
was to inflict injury.
“You’ve got to be willing to hurt people, ”
Darkcloud said. “If they can’t take the
punishment, they ought to get out of the
game.
“I figure, I’ve got 12 players with five
fouls apiece to use. That’s 60 fouls, which is
more than enough to send the opposing

Page 21

Wednesday, April 1,1987

team’s players down in a heap. ”
Darkcloud said he is going to start a
massive weight training and steroid
program among team members, so that all
his players will be “tougher than a two
dollar steak” before the 1987-88 season
begins.
“We’re going to really do some damage
out there,” Darkcloud said. “This team has
problems with winning and with filling the
Inactivity Center, and I figure a little gore
will go a long way toward solving both of
those.”
Asked what team he wanted to pattern the
new-look Sun Devils after, Darkcloud
answered without hesitation:
“The Philadelphia Flyers,” Darkcloud
said. “I know they’re a hockey team, but
that’s pretty much what I’m after. Before
I’m through, the NCAA is going to have to
institute a penalty box rule. ’’ ,
Finesse forward Alex Jordanlite is one
player uncertain as to what th e . new
direction holds for him.
“I don’t know what he wants from me,”
Jordanlite said. “I’m used to playing the
perimeter game, not mixing it up too much.
“I don’t know what to do. I First
Scatterbrain plays me in the high pqst all
season and now I’ve got to take drugs that
make me sterile.
Maybe I.’11just bag the wholfe thing and go
play for Grand Canyon with Ron Singleton.”

Earn $7-$8

OUTBOUND SALES REPRESENTATIVES
EXPERIENCED te le m a rke te rs earn $6/hr. fo r 20 o f m o re h o u rs w o rked per w eek.
NON-EXPERIENCED pe o ple earn $5.50/hr. fo r 20 o r m ore ho urs w orked per week.
B o th receive paid tra in in g , vacation , b o n u se s and incentives.
J o in the w ave of tele m arketin g fo r y o u r ca re e r c h o ic e .
O v e r 50 p e rm an en t part-tim e p o s itio n s are a v a ila b le w ith s c h e d u lin g to in c lu d e
e a rly evening and S a tu rd a y hours.
If y o u are neat in a p p e a ra n c e and p o s s e s s stro n g co m m u n ic a tio n sk ills,

WE NEED YOU.

CALL SARA. 225-0048. FOR SCHEDULED APPT., MON.-FRI. 9-4.

TELEMARKETING CORPORATION OF AMERICA
4801 E. McDowell Rd.

sh am p o o conditioner
haircut & blow dry

$35.00
PER M SPECIAL
sham poo, conditioner
& finished styles
Both with participating
stylists only
Offer good through April 15,1987.
First time customers only.
With this ad only.
Youngblood: 3542 West Csm elbsck, 242-1759
5040A North 35th Ave., 433-2702
907 East Lemon, Tempe. 966-6183
N ew est Location: 2351 W. Glendale Ave., 246-1033

A S A S U C A N D ID A TE

FORUM

Come and meet the candidates for
EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT and CAM ­
PUS AFFAIRS VICE PRESIDENT on
Thursday, A pril 2 in the MU from
11:30-1:00 as they present their plat­
form s and answer your questions.
a

s

a

s

u

.

îé t ^ X ! 2 ïâ jjj»

STUFF
COOKIES
FROM HOME
S ïïS îS

VOTED BEST
HOMEMADE COOKIES
IN PHOENIX
SINCE 1982
Hours: Sun 12-6

Mon-Thlirs9-9pm. Fri i Sal 9-11pm

BUY 'A lb. GET 'A lb. FREE
LIMITED TO ONE PER PERSON. G O O D AT STORE LOCATION ONLY.

Elle Alltheway; formar ASU basketball player/pugmsi,

m m »»»

•«

Stale M os

Wednesday, April 1,1987

Page 22

classifieds
Announcements
ANNOUNCING: THE 1987-88 selection
of outstanding Juniors to Mortar Board
National Honorary. Apply- R.E.A.C.H.,
MU.
_____

Mc C a r t h y
WAS RIGHT

Contact: Sen. Joseph R. McCarthy
Educational Foundation, Inc.
212 W. Wisconsin Ave.
Milwaukee, Wl 53203

414-276-0575

Automobiles
1970 VW Bug. Great college car with.
63,000 miles. Asking only $950 OBO.
Call Ann. 921-0238._________ ■
1980 HONDA Accord LX. Excellent
condition. AC, power steering. Excel­
lent stereo, Interior, and exterior. Great
student car. $2950. Phone 279-1622 or
225-0841 (evenings).

F**

1981 CAMARO, one owner, 41,000
miles, dark blue, 305,4-speed. AC, PW,
tin, full instrumentation. Best offer
takes n. 968-1011; or leave message,
894-2523.
'
1984 SUBARU 4WD wagon, 61K miles,
gold in color, .sunroof, PW, PS, PM,
AM-FM stereo cassette, 4-speed,
luggage rack, full digital dash, loaded.
$6850 OBO. Call Eric, 629-3539._______
'81 ESCORT Wagon, 4-speed, air, rack,
54,000 miles. Really sharp! S2500!offer.
373-1448. _________________ _ _ _ _ _

F or Rent or Lease
$585 MONTH plus utilities. 3 bedroom,
2 bath block house. Near ASU. Call
Paul, 968-2803.______________^
ASU- 2 miles. Nice Spring Tree condo. 2
bedroom, 1 bath, washer, dryer. $550
per month. 963-5598 before 8 p.m.
BEAUTIFUL NEW large two bedroom
apartments, walk to ASU, pool,
laundry, one block south of University
on 8th Street and Gary. Ask about
move-in specials. 968-5238.___________
BRAND NEW apartments for rent. 2
bedrooms, 2 baths, unfurnished, $500.
Great location! College and Broadway.
For info, call 967-6420, ’ 966-1555
evenings.
_______________
DON’T MISS out! At Terrace Road
Apartments we have two openings: a
large two bedroom, two bath, and a
spacious one bedroom, one bath.
Laundry facilities, beautiful pool,
courteous management, Vz block from
campus, 950 S. Terrace Road. 966-8540,

CLASSIFIEDS WORK.
Use one today!!
SUNRISE VILLA (Regency) Apart­
ments, 1617 E. Apache Blvd. Studios
and one bedrooms. Furnished units,
tree utilities. Call 968-2616.__________
SUNSET VILLA Apartments, 1415 E.
Apache Blvd. Studios, one and two
bedrooms. Furnished units. Free
utilities. Clean, quiet atmosphere. Call
894-0932.
_______________
WALK TO ASU, |unk>r one bedroom,
two bedroom. Adults, no pets. 1031 E.
Lemon. Bel A ir Apartments, 968-2679,
9334364.

D O N ’T
FO R G ET!
STATE P R E S S
“C L A S S IF IE D A D
D E A D L IN E S
A R E 3 P.M.
2 DAYS P R IO R
T O J N S E R T IO N /

Business Opp.
C A R RENTAL plus 200 other
businesses for sale! Also investor
managers wanted. Execu-Net, Big Burt,
991-9111.
_____________
FOR SALE: ESTABLISHED 20 year old
gift shop with bridal registry. Located
in the retail center of Casa Grande.
Nice terms. Call 836-2530. (AZ-CAN)

Clothing

For Sale
1000 SUNBEDS, Sunal-Wolff, Save
'50%. Call for free color catalogue and
wholesale prices. Commercial and
residential units. MC or Visa accepted.
Call 1-600-228-6292. (AZ-CAN)________
1973 MERCURY Montego Brougham,
PS, PB, AC, AM-FM, good engine, new
brakes, » 7 5 OBO. 9666462._________
1966 RED HONDA Spree, brand new,
only 400 miles, 85 mpg, 3380/offer.
8293726.
________ ■
BIANCHI RACING bike, Columbus
tubing, Campagnola parts, 56, red,
$400. Call David evenings, 967-7469.
COLOR TV: 25-inch color television,
$ 1 » . Call Tod, 945-7427.________ ■
COMPLETE EARTH station system
includes Drake ESR-240 receiver, SA-24
stereo adaptor, Houston Tracker IV, 10
ft. stainless steel dish. $990. Phone
996-9884.
______________

NOW OPEN

C.C.*s
CLOSET CLASSICS
Buyers and sellers of the
valley’s finest pre-owned
clothes - NATURAL FIBERS.
The Kind You Like!!

1250 E. Apache
(E. of Lunt Ave. Marble Club)

968-2688
We buy all sizes,men & women.
3/23

DISKS, 3.5 Inches, DS/DD, Fuji pack of
10 for $12.50. Call Nick at 9664291
after 2 p.m._______ ______ EXCELLENT CONDITION, 5-piece
fiberglass Ludwig drum sat. $400.
784-9565._________________________
FOR SALE: Super twin waterbed, new
mattress, $50; Peugeot 10-speed, $75.
952-3856._________________ _
GUITAR- GIBSON SG, wood finish,
double coll pickups, hard shell case,
great condition, $225. Ask for Doug,
7840659,9654411, ______

The STATE PRESS disclaims all.resporisibility for quality and prices of goods
and services offered in both classified
and display advertising by its adver-

H ALF PRICE! Save 50%! Best, large
flashing arrow sign $339! Lighted,non-arrow $329! Unlighted $269! Free
letters! See locally. Call today! Factory
direct: 1-800423-0163, anytime. (AZCAN)_____________
MICROSCOPE- TASCO professional
model 2000XM, brand new, never used,
light reflecting, includes wooden
carrying case, 3 lenses (10X, 43X, 100X)
+ 4 additional eyepiece lenses for
magnification up to 2000 times. $645.
Contact Rob Clark, 968-8600. ________
OMEGA ENLARGER complete with
eisel and contact sheet equipment for
$95. Call Nina, 829-7876.,____________
RED, 1984 HONDA Aero, 1600 miles,
warranty, $780 OBO. 829-6551.________

FT/PT positions open in a residential
program working with MR/DD. Entry
level positions with opportunity for
advancement. No experience neces*
sary. Cali Sher or Mike at 956-0400.

MCI
TELECOMMUNICATIONS
—NOW HIRING—

FUN PART-TIME student Job. Largest
company of its kind in Southwest.
Pleasant working conditions. Call, ask
for Mr. Strickland, 921-9495.

P T telem arketing p ositio ns
available. Perfect hours for
students, 5 p.m.-9:30 p.m. M-F,
$5/hr. + bonuses!

GOVERNMENT JOBS! Now hiring in
your area, both skilled and unskilled.
For list of jobs and application, call
615-383-2627, ext. J519. (AZ-CAN)

CALL NOW FOR DETAILS

F le x ib le

W ork around
yo u r schedule
Daytim e Hours

STEREO SPEAKERS MCS 3 ways, can
handle 65 watts, asking $150. Mike
990-3357 evenings, weekends.________

829-7447

Sex without precaution is dangerous.
D on't Risk It!
Twelve condoms for $10.00 plus tax.
Good Q uality, Non-oxynol-9 treated>
for maximum protection.
Immediate shipment in plain security
m ailer. Postage & Handling added.
W arwick-W hitcombe, 1-800-637-9966
Weekdays, 8-5. Visa & Mastercard.

Ü l CfoitiwitJc -C ){ hileemh
U2 TICKETS for sale, 1st show April 3,
$15.50 each. 784-8902, Chris._________

Furniture
WAREHOUSE SALEi Desks from $44,
chairs from $5, end tables and Coffee
tables from $24, typing tables, compu­
ter tables, bookshelves and more.
437-i224. •

Help Wanted
10 OPENINGS working with public; Full
and part-time available. $8.50 to start.
Must be 17 and have car. Call between
11 to 2,829-6754.
_______ '
A BETTER place to work: D'Lites at
University Towers needs * full and
part-time help for spring and summer
sessions. We pay more. Apply in
person after 1 p.m' 525 S. Forest.______
AIRLINES C R U ISELIN ES hiring!
Summer. Career! Good pay. Travel. Cali
for guide, cassette, newsservice!
(9t6)944-4444 ext. 3.
________
A SUMMER job as a swimming
instructor is available to someone who
loves children, has their lifesaving as
well as some diving skills. $5.50 per
hour, 36 hour week. Please call Sue,
.946-8462.
CORK-N-CLEAVER RESTAURANT ac­
cepting applications for lunch bus
pirson, lunch hostess, lunch waitress.
Shorts shifts, good hours, fun el*
mosphere, great money. Apply be­
tween 2-4:30 p.m., Monday through
Friday or by appointment. 44th St. and
Cameiback. 952-0585.
DANCERS, PHOENIX’S classiest want­
ed for strip-o-gram service. Short
hours, excellent pay. Randy/Sheryl,
997-6698._________________________
DISABLED STUDENT needs part-time
help. $5 per hour. No experience
necessary. WHI train. 829-0927. _____
DUNKIN DONUTS; help wanted, apply
in person, counter positions available
for all shifts. 2009 N. Scottsdale Road.

E A R N W H ILE
YO U

LEAR N

$8/H O UR TO S T A R T
D uring 8-week
Training period
No experience necessary.
Sell industrial tools and
supplies for national firm.
Rapid
advancement
opportunities.

W ALK TO

ASU

829-3190

EOE A D IA

noTBe TheEmpkvmentPi^te

Hourly plus incentives

• CONDOMS B Y MAIL.»
•Q U IC K L Y & DISCREETLY*

246-1143
n o fop

ROLLER SKATES, Ilka new, indoorfoutdoor, 200 pairs, $10 each. 1-1 Vi
miles from campus. 967-5638, _______

TENNIS RACKETS:. Wilson Pro Staff
Mid 4-5/8 with thermal bag, $100; Head
Graphite Director 4-5/8, $65; see at
LS182 or call 964-4313.______ ‘

Help Wanted

Help Wanted

Help Wanted

For Sale

interface

' SM

4/3

OVERSEAS JOBS. Summer, year
round. Europe, South America,
Australia, Asia. All fields. $900-2000
month. Sightseeing. Free into. Write
DC, Box 52-AZ3, Corona Del Mar, CA
92625.
PANCHO'S MEXICAN Buffet: Inter­
viewing for walters/waitresses, full and
part-time, flexible hours. Apply in
person, Monday-Friday, 2-5 p.m.. at
1529 N. Scottsdale Rd. (Los Areos Mall)

Communications

Telemarketing
HELP WANTED: Outstanding Juniors to
carry on thq tradition of Mortar Board)
R.EAC.H ., lower MU. ____________
LONG DISTANCE trucking, northAmerlcan Van lines needs owhers/operators! If you need training, we will
train you. You will operate your own
tractor. If you don't have one, noithAmarlcan offers a tractor purchase
program that can gat you started for an
Initial Investment ot $1500. If you are 21
or over end think you may qualify, we'd
Ilka to send you a complete Informa­
tion package. Call any weekday,
toll-free, 1-800-348-2191. Ask for Dept.
24. (AZ-CAN)_________ '

STUDENTS
NOW HIRING
10 POSITIONS

PART-TIME sales manager and per­
sonnel. Commission plus- Call 2772399.
____________________
PART-TIME WEDDING photographer
for established studio. Must be reli­
able, with Saturdays free. Must have
reliable, Insured transportation, Back­
ground In photography necessary.
947-7277._________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
PART-TIME, 10:00 to 1:00, and flexible,
M-F, $3.75 per hour. Call the Sub
Machine. 437-0237.____________ PHOTOGRAPHERS- ARE you inter­
ested In doing freelance work for
corporations? Earn $50+ per hour.
Part or full time. Free details. Send
SASE, J&B Photo, PO Box 1991, Elyria,
Ohio 44036.
*
STUDENTS EARN $6 to $10 per hour.
Leads make opr telemarketing easier.
4:30-9:00, M-F. South Scottsdale office
Is close to campus. 947-0508. _______

Querenteed $5 Per Hour
TeteseleeRppreeentethfes
Hours: M on.-Fri. 5-10:15

Sat. 6-1:30 or 1:30-6

We hire students!
•One week paid training
•Possibility of permanent position
•Excellent opportunity
•Close to campus
•Broadway & Mill location

Call For Appointment

831-1131
ADIA Personnel Services
EOE • Never A Fee

v<

• Car pbola available,•

4/1

LOOKING FOR t A ideal part-time job?
Harkln's Theatres are now hiring
assistant managers for several valley
locations. Gain management ex­
perience. Shifts are flexible, primarily
evening (6-12 p.m.) Part-time (20 hours)
now, full-time (35-40 hours) summer
Apply now, Camelyiew Cinema, 7001 E.
Highland, Scottsdale. ____________
MARKETING RESEARCH interviewers:
Need to hire several full and part-time
telephone Interviewers to conduct
consumer marketing surveys. Day and
night hours available In our North
Scottsdale office. Starting salary $4.25
an hour. No selling involved. Will train
on our computer interviewing systems.
Call for details, 483-7505, 483-7544, 9
a.m.-6 p.m.
_______ __________
MOBILE DISC Jockeys; Part-time
positions, male/female. We train.
968-9898._________________________
NANNY POSITIONS. Cars for children
In one of several east or west coast
locations. Room, board, $120-200 per
week. Attend school evenings. One
year commitment.
Nonsmokers
preferred. Call for interview, La Petite
Mere, 1-800621-1985._______________
NEED PART/full-tlme aecretary/offlce
manager. Filing, accounting, computer
skills, bilingual abilities all helpful.
Company involved In construction, real
estate, development, mining, Jewelry,
and market Investments. Possible
foreign travel Involved. References and
background Information required. Bob,
954-6421.
_ _
NEW ENGLAND brother/sister camps,
(Massachusetts). Mah-Kee-Nac for
boys, Danbee for girls. Counselor
positions for pidgramMspelalists: All
team sports, f especially baseball,
1basketball, soccer, plus archery, riflery,
and biking. 25 tennis openings. Alto,
performing arts, gymnastics, rocketry,
ropes course. All waterfront activities
including swimming, skiing, small
craft. Plus, overnight camping, com­
puters, woodcraft, and more. Inquire:
J&D Camping, 190 Unden Avenue,
Glen Ridge, NJ 07028 (201) (8)429-8522,
(G) 328-2727.________ ;_______

SUMMER WORK. Earn excellent re­
sume experience, college credit, and
$4275. Must be willing to relocate. Call
234-8010.
TEMPORARY POSITION open for
engineering student to assist In
mechanical design work on computer
peripheral project. To apply, call
279-2816.
4
THE LOOP, a new fast food concept In
a totally authentic setting of yesteryear
Chicago. Full, part-time, male or
female positions. Apply 2-9 R.m. daily.SW comer of Lemon and Terrace,
Tempe.
______ _____________

SPARE TIME Income; electronics, no
experience. Others. For more info, dial
504-641-0091, ext. 1060.7 days._______
VOLUNTARY ASASU membership, self
supporting clubs, profitable events:
Jerry E. Ellison, Jr. Activities Vice
President._____
VOLUNTEER
CAMP
coun selors
needed at Camp Shadow Pines August
2-8, a residential camp for mentally
disabled people. Camp is in Heber,
Arizona. Information and interview
available April 7th, 1-3 p.m. in room 214
in the MU. For additional information,
call 994-2353.
.
VOTE FOR Jerry E. Ellison, Jr. Shaolin
Master Activities Vice President of
Death.
_______

POSITIONS OPEN
Lttb Assistant BS Degree in Life'Sciences or equivalent.
Salary: $13-$16K DOE
Lab Technician: BS plus experience
or MS in Life Sciences. Familiarity
with 2D Page and ofherimmunological techniques required.
Salary: $17-121K DOE
Poet Doctoral Research Position In
Immunology: Prefer individual with
background in reproductive biology
i.e. monoclonal antibody produc­
tion, immunolblotting, and florescent dye labeling techniques. Re­
sponsibilities will include designing
research protocols using flow
cytometry and free-flow electro­
phoresis.
Salary: $22-$27K DOE
Applicants please m oil resumes,
Indicating position of interest, to:

CA PC O
2063 E. ASU Circle Or.
Tempe, AZ 85284
Attn: Research Director
WAFFLE HOUSE Is looking for full and
part time help. Cook and waitress
positions available. Apply In person,
1801W. Baseline.
_______ __
WAIT STAFF needed, Rockin' Freddy’s.
Apply after 8 p.m. Wednesday through
Saturday. 222 S. M ill Ave.
WANTED PART-TIME bartender and
part-time waitresses. Apply at the
W are h o u se
C a fe , 5444
E ast
Washington Street. 1 mile over Milt
Avenue bridge.____________________
WORK IN a Tempe school. Schoolaged child care site coordinator
needed. Position requires person 21 or
over, 2 years college experience in
education or related Held plus 6
months child care experience. Must
become CPR and first aid certified,
finerprinted and TB tested. Must be
dependable ancLorganlzed. $4.65 per
hour. Apply at Tempe YMCA, 2201 S.
McCIIntock by April 2.
__________

Campus Sales Representative
Nestlé-Beich, Inc., a subsidiary of Nestlé Foods
Corporation, is interested in interviewing candidates
for a Campus Sales Representative.
Beginning in the Fall of 1987, you w ill sell candy and
chocolates to on-cam pus organizations interested in
raising money for cam pus activities, civic programs
or any other project that requires funding. The
potential is unlim ited. Your custom ers could be
fraternity or sorority organizations, cam pus clubs,
athletic associations, or dorm itory groups. Only one
Campus Sales representative w ill be hired, so the
campus w ill be your own sales territory.
We w ill provide you with the support of Field
Management, our Custom er Relations Department
(which includes an 800 telephone number) and
company-paid on-cam pus advertising. You w ill be
compensated on a com m ission basis, 8% of your
sales.
The ideal candidate w iif be an undergraduate
(preferably Sophomore, Junior status) or graduate
student.

If you have:
• An Entreprenerial Spirit
• Drive to Succeed
• Above Average Grades
• Well Organized
• Strong Interpersonal S kills
• Experience in Student Activities
This could be your opportunity to distinguish yourself
as a successful business person. If interested, please
send resume and transcript to: Teresa R. Salerno,
Director, Personnel, Nestlé-Beich, 101 S. Lumber
Street, Bloomington, IL 61701

Nëstlë-Beich

awe rn»f*
Instruction

Motorcycles

AEROBICS CERTIFICATION workshop
by National Aerobics Training As­
sociation weekend of April 11 at ASU.

Jew elry__________

IHANSPORTATION: 1981
Suzuki QS450L, only *495, runs good.
Over 20 other good quality running
bikes at lovi prices. Will accept tax
refund checks as payment or deposit.
Arizona Motorcycle Sales, Hayden and
tst Streets, Tempe. 966-0101.

CASH FOR gold and diamonds. Mill
A venuè Jewelers, 414 S. Mill, Suite 104,

Personal

063-9415.

_____________

Tempe. 968-5967.

___ _

Lost It* Found
ADS ARE FREE EVERYDAY!
We limit them to 20 words
and run them for two days.
Just call the STATE PRESS
classified department,

965-7572
DANIEL MARA: Your folder is at the
State Press.
__________________
FOUND: LADIES watch by fountain.
Call and describe. Scott, 946-3600.

ClASSIFtEDS WPS.
FOUND: STERLING stiver chain
bracelet in Matthews Center 3-27. Call
Susan, 345-6738 evenings.______ „
LOST: BOXER/PIt Bull, tan/whlte fe­
vicinity of Rural and Apache,
\ mmale,
a
lase call 967-2973. _____________

Miscellaneous
"STOP FLEECING God’s Flock" bump­
er sticker, $3: Cope, PO Box 582, Mesa,
AZ85204.

Motorcycles
1982 HONDA Sabre. 12,500 miles, Just
tuned, new battery. Moving, $1300
OSO. 941-1829.
1986 HONDA Interceptor. Less than
300 miles, Must sóli. Brand new. $2800
or ? Must see. Call 967-9456. ________

$15 HOT tub special! You and a guest
can enjoy 2 hours In luxurious private
hot tub suite for only $15 SundayThursday with college ID. Fresh water
spa, waterbed, ceiling mirror, private
bath. Tempe Hot Tub Spa, 967-5636.
ADOPT A baby is our dream. Help a
loving and financially secure couple
who long to share wonderful life and
country home. Please call collect,
¡212-678-7780. ( A Z - C A N ) _______
ADOPT. HAPPILY married couple
wants to adopt newborn. Will give all
our love, happy home and security.
- Medical and legal expenses paid,
confidential. Call collect, Brooke and
Neil, after 3 p.m„ 516-499-1057. (AZ-.
CAN)________ ___________________
ADOPTION: WE are a loving, sensitive
professional couple (film-maker and
teacher) who wish to adopt a newborn.
VShll provide much love, good educa­
tion, warmth and security. All expenses
paid, legal and confidential. Call
collect, 315-696-8356. (AZ-CAN)

CLASSIFIEDS DO IT.
ADOPTION: WARM, happy, financially
secure professional wishes to adopt an
infant into a loving California home.
Please call or write attorney. Call
collect 24 hours, 408-288-7100, or write
PO Box 7575, San Jose, CA 95150.
(AZ-CAN)
________
ADOPTION: WARM, sensitive academ­
ic couple wishes to welcome infant to
our loving home. Expenses paid. Legal
and confidential. Call collect, 607-2776262.

APRIL FOOLS’ ADS
AAANTH0NY, CAN we ever control
those “crazy” Soviets. Their women
will make us alt fools. Thieber.

MY TRULY love, seen from afar,
reminds me of a movie star (Dom
DeLuise).

ANTHONY LB.: Como se dice “dry
shower?” “ Bruce Hearse?" “ Blonde
littlles?” This Is scaryl The L thing
Stacey Rose.

OH BEAUTIFUL, bespoken love, mine
eyes I cast on thee. I do behold
forsaken sights because you are not
free (but you’re reasonable as hell).

ANTHONY: SNOW ski Bogata or
Stavenger. A J. LaRue pantie fptlsh, oh
nol Taco de Perro. Ivan Boesky._______

OH BEAUTIFUL, forsaken: shy, oh
lovely maiden-fair, I'd like to be your
pudden-ple, but you are such a square.

ANTHONY LOBAIDO: Eeny meeny
minny moe, Brenda, Stacey, Julie, or
me? Secret admirer.___________.
BARANSKI- ANY new Sesame Street
characters I should know about?_____ _
CHRISTOPHER: HAVE a headtrip!
Hope Armaggedon won’t mean Defcon4. Pantié Fetish? Yuma Thumper? Taco
de Perro? Donkey III A.L. ______ •
CHRISTOPHER: NEED a Cokerona? On
to the Donkey Showl Ski Bogata! Bring
your roses to “J.J.’s señoritas de el
noche” . Super-D! Your comrade._____
DAVID GORDON, looking for this?
You’re such a fool, but so am I! Love,

M._______ %______ ’______ _
HEY ANTHONY! Need a new scheme?
Try a pool cleaning service! Check the
State Press Police Report for instant
job referrals. Brian.
_______ _
f FINALLY found the perfect mate. I
could not ask for more. She’s deaf and
dumb and oversexed- and owns a liquor
store.
t
; - •.
JACKIE- IS your car really broken or
does it just need gas?
_______
JENNIFER, EVEN though we have our
superbouts, it's well worth It! Gateway
Park Hotel manager.___________ _____
JULIE- WOULD you actually have killed
your own big b r o t h e r ? ! ________
KELLY WILLS: ” 1 wonder” If a surprise
could be, as easy as 1-2-3? Lisa.
KRIS, WHEN is Dr. Green coming
back?

OH, LET me call you sweetheart- as
you sit there by the phone. I should be
there In person- but I’d rather be alone.
RANDY T.: Mr. Scam himself! I'm so
. proud! Must be the fried bagels!
Photo-J contest is In the bagl L.W.
STACEY M.: Bring your Reebocks to
The Buttes! Oh noooo! Scamper’s
hungry! Remember 1-17 at Minder
Binders? Love, The Booley._________ _
STUART G. Haberle, I wish you were
more neighborly. From the girl with the
sore Kneeberle. ______________ ■
THERE ONCE was an air guitar mama,
who went by the name of Donna, she'd
strum and play, to Bob Segar all day,
and work whenever she’d wanna._____
TOM BLODGETT: Ritter means nothing
to me. Amy’s dating Jim Bakker. I want
to bear your children. I want you now,
Sugar Lumps. Marry me! A faithful
opinion editor.
________
WANTED: TOAD and turtle sitter.
Experience preferred, however, will
train If necessary. Fringe benefits
Included.
__________

I FINALLY found the perfect mate. I
could not ask for more. She’s deaf and
dumb and oversexed- and owns a liquor
store.________________ '

Congratulations
Vince Sheehan
Com e by the
STATE PR ESS
office in the
basem ent o f
M atthew s Center
to p ick o p t yo u r
sw eatshirtI

Call 24 Hoursl

'DoxUh* 4 TKettf
Recorded Gey Personal Ads

•
•
•
•

New Ads Daily
No ‘CodecT Ada
All Phone Numbers
No Membership Fees

1 -9 7 6 -4 M E N
Dial 1-976-4636

First Min 55*/Ea Adtfl Min 454
Treat—After Wstewlwf letede/seds
yeu*V be ebb te piece yewr ewnl
'86 ALD officers: Thanks for your help
and'organization. We hope to live up to
your standards. ’87 ALP officers.
A LOVING home for baby (girl
preferred) in caring family. Help for
you, secure future for her. All expenses
paid. Call collect after 7/weekends,
________
212-724-1241. (AZ-CAN)
ATO PLEDGES, had a blast last Friday.
Thanks for the memories- and bruises.
Brian.
_____________ _

WHOEVER “ BORROWED” the ex­
perimental atomic dlldo from the
physics lab, please return it
Immediately._____________________
YOU ARE a Baskin-Robblns -for the 31
favors you asTCTd like to be your sugar
cone, but I'm lust a demltasse. ■______ L

Personal

Personal

LOSERS WANTED: Lose up to 29 lbs.,
inches, celullte this month. Dr. re­
commended on TV. I lost 50 lbs.
myself!! Call anytime, 612-253*7097.
(AZ-CAN)
,

SPORT FRIENDS ... .95 a Call
1-976-play.... Join us!______ .. , •

LOST - My mind. Needed desperately!
Large reward. If found, call J.B. at
_______
784-0111
‘
• MADONNA, YOU asked for it. You got
it. We luv me. Love ya dude, Sandra and
Erik. Happy Fools'.______________ ___
MEN OF ATO: Have a fantastic April
Fool’s Day. Love always, your III sis,
Beth Ryan.____________________ ■
OVER 50 and lonely? Mickey Rooney's
Fun Time Family puts fun and
friendship back into your life! Free
details, write Box 3030-G, Salt Lake
City, UT 84110. (AZ-CAN)__________ _

A L ittle R o m a n ce ?

THE LOVE LINE

ATTENTION JUNIORS- Mortar Board. A
challenge. A recognition. An opportunity. Apply now, REACH desk, MU._____
A WONDERFUL family experience.
Australian, European, Scandanavian
high school exchange students arriv­
ing in August. Become a host family for
American Intercultural Student Exchange. Call 1-800-SIBUNG. (AZ-CAN)
BALLOON BOUQUETS... with cham­
pagne, Corona, cookies, bunnies... and
morel Call Balloon Express for details!-951-6493.
______________
BEST BIG bro, Lisa, thanks for your
help! I'm here if you need me. Holly.
BUY YOUR AKPsi raffle tickets to­
day! 11 For free tuition! At Cady Mall,
Business; Engineering! I___________ _
CHRISTINE V.: Have a great April
Fools' Day you fool!! ATO lit sis
foreverl Beth.
______•
COACH DOLATA: Thanx for all The help
and support. Push-ups victory will be
FREE TUITION!!! Buy raffle tickets
from Alpha Kappa Psi tablq.( at Cady
Mall, Business, Engineering!!

HELLO JUNIORS! The time Is now!
Mortar Board 1987-88. Find your
opportunity. R.E.A.C.H., lower MU.____
HERPES SUPPORT group for singles,
Tempe area. East Valley Group, PO Box
2710, Scottsdale, 85252.___________
HOUSE BOAT trip: Lake Mead, May
16-22. Call Jon or Ben evenings, 6-9,
274-5128.___________________ '
INTRODUCTION LINE where women
meet women, dial 1-976-WYMN. Gay
date line i where men meet men,
1-976-3800.
JAMES, YOU are a great hegemon. I
hope we make you proud. Your
pledges.
______

G ivath* b a rs a brook!
Recorded Personal Oating Ads

THETA DELT Randy Dolphsters, I just
wanted to say that the roses were
beautiful, the card was special, the
presents were so sweet, and there was
no one else I’d rather of gone with to
Formal but you 8Lots of !ove, Tiff;
THETA DELTA Chi little sisters- For
those who couldn’t make the March 29
meeting and those who just need a
clue, call for in.fo: 784-9960, leave
message.___________.
_________
TKE AM’S- PQ should be nothin’ ! We
be so bad!! Wonder if the actives will
ever find The Box!

1-976-TALK
ARIZONA’S HOTTEST
LIVE PARTY LINE

$.95, first minute
$.45, each additional minute

M ost exciting way to
meet som eone new.

U2 TICKETS, rows 1-9 on floor and
lower level for both Tempe shows and
Saturday Tucson show. 956-5356._____

1-976-6000
554 pier minute

YOU MUST be a Beta Theta Pi or you
won’t go to Wooglin when you die. P.M.

•All phone numbers
No membership fees
Free — after listening to
today's ads you will be
able to place your own

Call 24 hours
PAUL FLORES, I love you! I fust wanted
to let you know that! Love, Jenny.
PIE IN the face contest donation tables
on the mall, or ash your Greek Week
rep.________ - .................- ........ ...... PIKE BOB: Remember, t met you, your
brother and O.C. at Canary last
Saturday night? I hope I'll catch up
with you again soon!! Suzanne. P.S.
PREGNANT? CONSIDER adoption. We
may be able to help with housing and
medical expenses. For pressure-free
counseling at no charge, call South­
west Adoption Center, Inc., 602-2342229ór 1-800-423-2229.

SINGLE? CALL Cupid’s Headline at
$.60 per minute. Listen to personal ads,
then leave your own. We don’t code
ads. 1-976-1000.

Real Estate
ALAMEDA ESTATES: Price reduced to
$169,900. 4 bedroom, 2 bath, 2450
square feet, pool. Must sell. George
Cannon, OwnerAgent. Tradewinds.
820-3333,966-4477.
A STEAL at $55,500. Owner loses, but
you can win with this 3 large bedrooms,
1VS bath home in well-kept, quiet,
carefree townhouse community near
Price/Southern. Over 1320 square feet.
If you fike a kitchen with lots of counter
space and room, generous storage,
this is it! A private, landscaped
covered patio leads out to your 2
covered parking spots. Low utilities,
easy maintenance, and excellent
location are included. Call Melinda,
Tradewinds Realty, 820-3333,838-7428.
DESPERATE! MOVED to Tucson and
staying! Have- $8300 equity in 2
bedroom, 1 bath Tempe townhouse.
Will trade for adult toys: car, etc. Will
carry paper. Very negotiable. Call Keith
now, 1-299-6777 or 1-299-7999.________
FOR SALE: Luxury townhome in Los
Prados community, 13th St./Hardy.
This 2 bedroom, 1Vfe bath can be yours ^
with only $5500 down to assume
nonqualifying loan. Priced at $71,000
(below builders current prices). Call
Melinda, Tradewinds Realty, 820-3333,
838-7428._____________ __________
G O V E R N M E N T H O M E S from $1 (U
repair). D e linq ue nt tax property. C a ll
1-619-565-1657 Ext. H 2 3 A Z lo r current
re po list.

___________

MCCLELLAN MORTGAGE, Prescott,
buys good real estate mortgages or
trust deeds anywhere. Some plans
offer 100% of your principal balance.
Free quotes. 1-800-551-9767, ext. 685.
(AZ-CAN)
r
MOBILE HOME: Sacrifice 2 bedroom
12x52, storage, washer, dryer. $6500
terms/offer. 878-3048.______________
PAPAGO PARK - College/Curry. Bike to
ASU. Two level condo, vaulted ceilings.
Approximately 1135 square feet. Two
bedroom, two bath, appliances in­
cluded, tile entry, pastel colors.
$78,500. assume or refinance low down
FHA loan. By owner/Reatty Executives.
Principles only. Call 948-8871._______ _

Roommate wanted
FEMALE NONSMOKER to share three
bedroom, two bath apartment. Three
pools, jacuzzi, weight room, free
aerobics clashes. $210 plus Vs utilities.
Call Leah, 431-0665.________________
Easiest and Most Fun W ay to

GUEST HOUSE for rent, one block from
ASU. $215 plus utilities. Call 894-2685.

* No Membership Fees
* No 'Coded1Ads
4 All Phone Numberal

MALE, FEMALE nonsmoker to share
quiet 3 bedroom, 2 bath cul-de-sac
home. Pool, WD, cable, all kitchen
amenities. $225 month plus utilities.
Call Dennis, 968-4501.

1-976-4000
First Min 554/Et Addi Min 454
Iteet-After IMselngtetoday's ode
yeti'! be able to place,,yew ewnl

M/F, SHARE 3 bedroom townhome.
Washer, dryer, etc. $190 + Va utilities.
Call 966-4605.___________________

Call 24 Hoursl
JOHN C.. I’m glad I met you and took
you to Emerald Ball. You're the best.rBut, I believe I owe you a quarters
rematch. The ? Is, who will win!! KD
Annmarie.____________ £________ __
KEN H. and “Get Psyched" ErikShould we order yogurt instead of pizza
next time, or maybe a quarter of, oh...
never mind. The Three Amigas. (Ya
r l g h t l ? ) ____________
KEVIN OLSON: Formats are fun with
someone you know, but even funner
with Rambo. Kel. _________ £_______
PAM, EMERALD Ball was great. I'm
glad you’re my big sis. We'll be great
together. KD love. Annmarie.
__

MATH TUTORING- Beginning to ad­
vanced. NW Phoenix and Tempe. Rick,
938-2901. 6 7 / h o u r . ________ _
NEED A tutor? Ace your accounting
exams. 'Flexible hours, low rates,
guaranteed results! Call J.B. at 7840111.

_________

RESEARCH ASSISTANCE. Largest
library of information in U.S. - all areas.
Toll-free hot-line: 1-800-351-0222.
THE MARGARITAVILLE Duo plays
Jimmy Buffett’s music for your party.
Rick Wheeler, 867-0259 or 867-9317.
WRITING HELP. Will edit papers, write
resumes. $10/hour negotiable. B.A. in
English. Jane, 967-3202.
_________

Transportation
ATTENTION: FREE cars to ail major
cities. 21 or older. Call AAA Driveaway,
277-9979.
___________
•
CARS AVAILABLE - 21 or older. All
States Drive-away, 992-5200. ______

U2, HOWIE Mandell, Europe, Bruce
Hornsby, and others. Rows 1-9. 8290196._______ '
“ ._______ '

GAY MEN, meet the valley’s best
conversation line (up to five callers at a
time), 1-976-6253. One on one confer­
ence line, 1-976-4297. Gay Exchange,
SIGMA NU Kevin Dorian: Con­
the ultimate In gay Introduction - gratulations to a superlative new
services, 1-976-1100.
active! You're one of a kindt Love, Lisa.
HAVE TWO tickets in section U1 for the
U2 concert April 3. Will trade for two
tickets anywhere on AprH 2. Contact
Pat, 784-0860.

Services

TKE PLEDGES, only two more weeks
until activation... So get psyched!!

ATO PLEDGES Brian, Nils and John:
thanks for the ride to Jeff's, next time
“A blindfold will do!" Brian R.

WE HAVE a Gov, his name is Ev, in
another state, we all should live.______

IPRIL FOOLS AD CONTEST
Winner:

Personal

Services_______
$3 BILLION available in private finan­
cial aid. Don't get lost in the shuffle
only to be turned down. Academic
Financial Services can help you locate
those badly needed funds. Guaranteed
results. $20 processing fee. Call our
financial aid counselors today! 9676611. Free counseling available.
FINANCIAL AID: College assistance
for undergrad/grad students. Services
guaranteed. The Financial Aid Finder,

438-8762-

_______________ _ _ _

INCOME TAX • accounting. Over 9
years prior experience working for IRS.
Bob Soper, CPA. Phone946-9192._____

Travel
AIRLINE
TICKET:
Phoenix
to
Richmond, Virginia May 20th, only $100
OBO. 438-1205.___________________
FOR SALE: $185 round-trip, Phoenix to
West Palm Beach, Florida Leave April
9th, return April 13th. Cali Jeff,
897-0007.
________ _ ______
TRAVEL DOWN to the R.E.A.C.H. desk,
lower MU, to pick up your Mortar Board
application.
______

Typing_________
438-9202. OUR computer checks your
spelling, punctuation and grammar.
EdmpfH'eiP available. Costs a little
but yoik grade is worth it. APA,
MLA member.']________ ’
A-1 PROFICIENT typing. IBM Selectric.
Loraine, 833-8365. At University and
Dobson in M e s a _______ ._______ _
AAAA WORD processing. All papers,
resumes, theses. Prompt, accurate
service. Reasonable rates. Jodi, 9459790,839-6045,
_____________
AAA WORD Processing Service. Quick,
guaranteed, professional services.
Reasonable fees. Rush jobs ok. Color
graphic services available. Ron, 8335532, or leave message.
__________
AAKURIT TYPING- Short papers, over­
night/ long papers, prompt service/
transcribe tapes/ good rates. Linda
831-0349._______
ACCURATE TYPING. Cheap too! Same
day service. ■MLA and APA. Caroline,
831-2434, - - - • - •
-.......... •
ACCELERLATED TYPING: Overnight
service for 5-10 pages; 24 hour service
for 20-25 pages. 838-1977.
ACCURATE TYPING: Research papers,
group projects, etc. Spelling corrected.
Quick turnaround. Linda 838-6830.
ACCURATE
WORD
processing:
Theses, dissertations, papers, re­
sumes. Reasonable. High quality work.
South Tempe. MaryAnh, 838-4302.____
ALL WORD processing projects done
accurately, promptly, and reliably.
Experience with research papers,
theses, and dissertation styles.
Satisfaction guaranteed. Linda Brewer,
839-7905.___________________ •
CALL ME for fast, accurate, quality
service at competitive prices. Close to
ASU. 966-2186.___________________
FORMER ASU staffers! Word Process­
ing. Experience with APA, MLA and
other formats for dissertations, theses,
term, and research papers. Rates
quoted. Members NASS. Call Donna or
Joan, 945-6302 o r947-0402.
______
LASER PRINTING! 24 hour turnaround.
APA, MLA, resumes. Free pick-up and
delivery. Near campus. 438-8916._____
LETTER PERFECT Word Processing.
Rush jobs no problem. Dissertations,
term papers, resumes, theses. Quality!
839-9103._______
'_________ ___
NORTHWEST PHOENIX. Typing, word
processing, term, theses, resumes,
cover letters. Professional, fast, and
accurate. 439-1434._______ !
_____
SAVE TIME, call me first. Word
processing- theses, dissertations, re­
sumes. Professional typist. Mesa
Secretarial. 844-1876._____ *_____ _____
THE PAPERWORKS- Thesis, report and
resume typing. IBM compatible word
processing. Near ASU. 921-9575.______.
TYPIST: FAST, accurate, reasonable.
$1/page. Call Pamela, 732-9385
evenings before 10 p.m. Pick-up and
deliver M-W-F, 4 p.m. MU Information
D e s k . ____________ ______ _
WORD PROCESSING and typing ser­
vice. Professionally typed term papers,
theses, manuscripts, and resumes. Will
do charts, graphs, and tables. Stored
on disc for fast, easy access. ASU
pick-up. Cali Barb at 897-7212._______ _

Wanted

___

BASEBALL CARDS wanted. Just start­
ed collecting and looking tor all cards.
Mike, 953-5073.

Stale Men

Wednesday, April 1,1987

Page 24

NOW TAKING FAX
RESERVATIONS
W e’re F illing Up F ast!
Base coat
ASU Athletic Director Gnarled Hairless announced the addition of a new sport to the athletic
department powertanning.

daily in the

state
press

x tu tk M E S A N I S S A N
Your Nissan and Datsun Service
Specialists are offering
» S s « N i s s a n - t r a i n e d technicians
«Genuine Nissan parts
«Quality maintenance, and repair work
«Reasonable prices
I T
a n d ' 1 0 % d i s c o u n t on all service work
WITH MESA NISSAN snd counter parts to . all ASU student,
IRTS & SERVICE HOURS facu,tY & ^ aff with ASU , D- cardl
*To be present at
1701 W. Broadway, Mesa
PARTS OPEN SAT.
time o f purchase.
Ser^ e
Parts
8*30 a

m -12 30 D.m.

Good througH May 31/1987.

8 3 4 -3 3 6 6

.8 3 4 -0 2 5 5

Until the luxury and convenience of University Towers.
These unique and exciting co-educational student resi­
dence suites combine the best of apartm ent and dor­
mitory living.
/-r
Ideally located within 2 blocks
of Arizona State University
academic facilities, and
across from Sun Devil
Stadium.
S ' /

jp

j k

;
^ \

jfejjW

.\

University Towers V
V - I
/
j
offers furnished 2
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bedroom residence
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suites including utilities, "Na / ' ■. mtk*. Y F
full kitchen and many extras, y
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• 24-hour security
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• Escorts if requested
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• 24-hour.emergency
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maintenance
• Garage parking
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• Pool, jacuzzi, volleyball, elevated sundeck
• Satellite cable television
Stop by our leasing office today, located on 5th Street
between College and Forest in Tempe, or call (602)
Hours; 9:00 am . to 6:00 p.m.
Evenings and weekends by
appointment

Out of Phoenix area,
call collect a
A privatestudent
housingdevelopment

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UNIVERSITY
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