r tu e s d a y After April 1, 1978 April 4, 197« Arizona State University Voi. 60 No. 97 V _________ _ s ta le m ess ___________ In s id e Underground subway ................ 3 Candidates disqualified ............ 9 Big concert, no fans .....................19 Mauler q u its ................................... 27 Tem pe, Arizona ASU athletes owe $60,000 debt to U.S. Postal Service By Cheat Barfup Six ASU baseball players who owe almost $60,000.78 in unpaid postage bills to the federal government have been ordered into U.S. D istrict Court in Phoenix for ignoring previous court summons. Lawsuits have been filed against the players for fraud and abuse of the postal service, said Walter Zipp, a Tempe attorney who represents the U.S. Post Office’s collection agency. “Every one of these jerks owes the government at least $10,000.13,” he said. Zipp said junior Bobby Horny was probably the worst offender. The post office has been after him for years, he said. “That guy’s probably never licked a stamp in his life,” Zipp said. O ther first-strin g ers who have charges pending include Jerom e Vaseline, Kriss Bandaid, Boobie Hooks, Dave Hudgpudge and Jimi Alien. “People always try to rip off the post office here and there, a few cents at a time,” Zipp said, “but we’ve never run across a bunch of guys all in one group like this." All the guilty ball-slingers were recruited from out of state, he said. “They said that during recruitment. the ASU coaches promised they could mail anything anywhere and not have to worry about paying. “In other words, it was an incentive to come and play ball with ASU,” Zipp said. According to court records, earlier this month Horny mailed his girlfriend and a cousin from Tennessee to ASU, postage due. “They just let themselves out of the box when they heard Horny’s voice,” Zipp said. " I t ’s hard to collect the postage when the contents of the package are gone.” Records indicate Vaseline and Bandaid both m*" ’ furniture from their out-of­ state apartments to their Tempe homes. Hooks, an accomplished pianist, mailed himself a baby grand piano from a New York warehouse. Alien tried to mail himself to a Colorado ski resort earlier this semester, but failed when a post office driver heard noises coming from the box, opened it and found the baseball player eating a bag of potato chips. Athletic Director Ferd Mauler denied charges that free mailing was part of the ASU recruiting package. “They can make all the free phone calls they want. Why should we give them postal privileges too?” he said. SWAT makes first daring seize The newly formed ASU SWAT team scaled the walls of the Math Building late Saturday night to capture a sniper who had terrorized pedestrians and bicyclists for nearly 20 minutes. Police Chief Sonny Daze said the sniper, nine-year-old Timmy Pike, had nearly exhausted his supply of rubber bands when the capture was made. “We tried to talk him down first, but he wouldn’t listen. We told him he could put someone's eye out with those things. “Then he opened fire again on me and my men. A close shot nearly grazed my ear. That’s when I gave the order to move in.” The team lit the night sky with flares and attempted to flush the assailant down with teargas. Daze said, but failed when the men could not hit the rooftop. Daze said the sniper’s mother was called to the scene in an attempt to bring him down peacefully. Despite threats of no dessert and limited TV, the mother’s pleas were in vain, Daze said. “She tried to reason with him, but he wouldn't listen. Said he was just ‘having a little fun.’ His ‘fun’ could have blinded all of us,” he said. Once on the rooftop, one officer bravely drew fire from the lad while the other two grabbed him from behind. ‘The first thing they did was to wash his mouth out with soap. We would have used the paddle on the little punk, but we don’t need any more brutality suits against us," Daze said. Although this was the first sniper attack the team has handled, Daze praised his men for their courage and level­ headedness, and said the team is trained to “expect the unexpected.” “I told those dildos at the Bored of Rejects that they’d get their money’s worth out of these boys. Now I hope they’ll listen,” he said. Daze said the incident demonstrated the need for the $800,000 police helicopter he has requested. Boys will be boys The ASU dean of students office and the Interfraternity Council launched an in­ vestigation Monday to look into additional allegations of gross cruelty in hazing practices made by a member of the Eye Graba Thi fraternity. “Our last investigation established the use of hazing during hell week activities, but these new accusations go beyond the realm of mere practical jokes,” said Ole McDonald, ASU assistant dean of students. In a second letter to the Stale Meas, former ASU student Jollie Olstad claimed the inhumane treatm ent to which he was subjected included being forced to wear a soiled rugby shirt and spaghetti-stained tennis shorts, while having his SuperMax blow dryer unplugged. “My perm was shot,” Olstad said. “Then they stole my Joe Sharino tickets and my genuine puka-shell necklace.” Mark Pispanti, fraternity president, said, “I can’t tell you anything about what goes on during hell week because I live with my mom and dad.” Rush director Snot Lispy said, ‘The biggest problem is to get everybody to agree on a definition of the word ‘hazing.’ We can't find a dictionary. With our te s t files, we don’t have much use for reference books.” Exhausted after their night’s battle, the ASU SWAT Team members, Bonzo, Franko, Leo and Mimi, pose for a Stale Mess photographer. Police Chief Sonny Daze said, “These are by far the greatest bunch of guys I have ever worked with in a SWAT situation.” [Stale Mess staph foto by Wanda Platz] Page 2 Stale Mess April 4, 1978 In th e n e w s b o rin g l from the Assimilated Mess WHAT A COMEBACK WASHINGTON — FLASH. Dewey defeats Truman. Film at 11. GERONIMO’S REVENGE WASHINGTON — The Food and Drug Administration to­ day banned the use of tap water in the United States, claiming the substance has been found “unusable, fouled and, of course, cancer indu­ cing in all parts of the nation. Citizens are advised to refrain from use, and to search for s im ila r su b stitu tes until another variance of tap water can be isolated and deter­ mined as safe, spokesmen said. GIRL SCOUTS GET COOKIES FROM PARK WASHINGTON — Tongsun Park, the leading figure in the Congress’ Korean influence­ buying scandal, today named top officials of the Daughters of the American Revolution and the Girl Scouts of Ameri­ ca as leading money getters in the recent spending spree. “Ah so. Girl Scouts really have dishonorable hands in cookie jar this tim e,” Park said to the House Ethics Committee. The reason the scouts are pushing for "new leaders” is an effort to clean house, since many of the former girl scout mothers have resigned In disgrace, Park said. BEGIN DENIES GROUNDBREAKING TEL AVIV — Israeli Prime Minister Menachem Begin de­ nied charges today that his government is building large subdivisions for residential living in newly occupied Leba­ nese territory to make it tougher for Palestinian guer­ rillas to reclaim areas marked "Ben Gurion Estates.” “This is preposterous. The land is too rocky.” Begin would not com­ ment on other possible uses for the land, Including some strange metallic towers being erected in the area. ONE-WAY FLIGHT PAGO PAGO, Tahiti — FLASH. Amelia Earhart lost in Pacific with no trace. Film at 11 . BRANDO PISSED HOLLYWOOD — Actor Mar­ lon Brando said early today he was “disappointed” he did not win the Academy Award for best actor Monday night for his performance in a third-rate foreign flick, "The Godfather Goes To Monte Carlo.” This came as no real surprise, since Brando was not nom­ inated. ‘That may come as some sort of relief to those apathetic snobs,” he said, “because if I had won, I wouldn’t have accepted it anyway.” Rumors have been circulated he would have do­ nated the award, if he had won, to the George C. Scott Foundation for the Bewil­ dered. ONE SMALL STEP FOR MANKIND WASHINGTON — FLASH. Men land on moon. Film at 11. HOLIDAY INN TO HOUSE CONS PHOENIX — Gov. Bruce Babbitt, citing “the best sur­ prise is no surprise," an­ nounced his own plan to relieve overcrowding at Ari­ zona State Prison by renting out Holiday Inns en masse to accommodate extra prisoners. "We have examined many Holiday Inn locations and have come to the very definite conclusion that not only are they easier to guard, but have much stricter security mea­ sures than Florence ever had." Paraplegics strike again By Walker Smelley In a daring daylight attack Monday, the ASU Wheelchair V igilantes struck down their 14th victim in two weeks. Senior David Fruitbreath was savagely beaten by several masked persons in motorized wheelchairs after he illegally parked in a handicapped parking space in lot 22. Fruitbreath said his car only was in th e space about 10 minutes while he ran an overdue term paper in to a nearby class building. “When I went to get back in the car I heard th is terrible W h a t you s h o u ld k n o w a b o u t d ia m o n d s : whine. They came out of nowhere. They were on me like killer bees. There was nothing I could do. “I couldn’t tell what they were saying. Their voices kept going ‘Peep-peep.’ Then, I just blacked out, I guess,” Fruitbreath said. Police detectives are taking tread samples from Fruitbreath's back. They said they hope to match the prints with those in the master files of the FBI. The Stale Mess has received several phone calls from a person who claims to be a member of the Wheelchair Vigilantes. “We’re just tired of getting pushed around, if you know what I mean,” “Mr. X” said. X also said there was little fear among the vigilantes of capture. According to X, former ASU Police Officer Macho Morones works for the Wheelchair Terrorist Front. Morones was suspended from the University Police last month after an incident in which he forced a student to eat his skateboard for making an im­ proper turn signal on the bike path near West Mall. FRED GANG'S Now featuring Live Entertainment in our lounge . . . LARRYPALUZZI Easy Listening Tues. - Sat. 9 p.m. -1 2 SPECIALS A flaw less diam ond is extrem ely rare. M ost d i­ am onds contain natural im p e rfe ctio n s or “ in clu ­ sio n s" — tin y crystals of c a rb o n o r b u b b le s of g a s fro m m illio n s of years ago. Come in For Our Free Diamond Presentation Look at Loose Diamonds in Our Gemscope See Before You Buy at 7ft. 130 E. UNIVERSITY In the Arches MEMBER AMERICAN GEM SOCIETY 9 6 7 -8 9 1 7 WEDNESDAY- Unescorted Ladies All Drinks V2 Price!! from 9:30 p.m. - 1 a.m. HIGHBALL THURSDAY 25c Highballs!! 10:30 p.m. - 11:30 p.m. “Try our Late Night Munchie Menu , 11:00 p.m. - 12:30 ” FRED GANG'S 1112 E. Apache___________ 966-1705 G4MMAGE CENTER FOR THE PERFORMNGARIS CALENDAR O F EVEN TS "CARMINA BURANA" and "SONGS OF THE VALLEY" Presented by Ballet West With Members of the Phoenix Symphony Friday, April 7 • 8:00 p.m. Saturday, April 8 • 8:00 p.m. Carmine Burana is a dance m asterpiece perform ed by a truly vital and Im aginative dance com pany. Songs of the Valley is derived from Aaron C opland's O ld American Songa. Be in the audience! Tickets: $6.50, $5.50, $4.50 Reserved Student Series tickets available lo r April 8th performance, lor S1 with I.D. at Oammage Box Office. University Discount Until 6:00 p.m.. Night of Parlormancot. THE BIBLE LANDS" With Dr. Charles Forbes Taylor Thursday, April 13 • 8:00 p.m. Here is a chronological film story o f the B ib le that takes the viewer on an educational journey and cu ltu ra l adventure to some o f the m ost fam ous landm arks b f o u r western civiliza tio n from Bethlehem to Arm ageddon. Dr. Taylor provides the In-person narration fo r th is fu ll-le n g th co lo r film . Tickets: $2 in advance $2.50 at the door THE VANCOUVER SYMPHONY Kazuyoshi Akiyama — Conductor Arthur Ozolins — Piano Soloist Saturday, April 15 * 8:00 p.m. Sunday, April 16 • 7:00 p.m. Saturday's program includes Don Juan, Tone Poem, Opus 20 by R. Strauss; R a ch m inlno ff’s C oncerto fo r Plano and Orchestra in D M inor, No. 3, O pus 30; Tableau by Freedman; and Pictures at an Exhibition by M oussorgsky/R avel. Sunday's program — Overture, The Roman Carnival, O pus 9 by Berlioz; Tableau by Freedman; C ho p in 's C oncerto for Plano and Orchestra In E M inor, No. 2, Opus 11; and Brahms' Symphony in C M inor, No. 1, O pus 68. Tickets: $8, $7, $6 “MY FAIR LADY” Starring Edward Mulhare and Anne Rogers Friday, April 21 • 8:00 p.m. Saturday, April 22 • 2:30 and 8:00 p.m. Sunday, April 23 • 2:30 and 7:00 p.m. Five smash performances o f the w o rld 's greatest m usical! Entertainm ent fo r the entire fa m ily! Tickets: Matinees — $8, $7, $6 Evenings — $9, $8, $7 BETTE DAVIS In Person and On Film Tuesday, May 2 • 8:00 p.m. Bette Davis, tw o -tim e academy award w inner, star o f screen and stage, presents c lip s from her illu s trio u s film career. On stage, M iss Davis rem inisces about her film roles, the film industry, and answers questions from the audience. Tickets: $7.50, $6.50, $5.50 University Discount Until 6:00 p.m.. Night of Performance. GORDON LIGHTFOOT - IN CONCERT Plus Special Guest Mimi Farina Saturday, May 1 3 * 7 p.m. and 10 p.m. • H is m usic is b e a utifu l, m oving, cla ssic s im p lic ity ! G ordon L lg h tfo o t's concerts are always the fin e st contem porary fo lk m usic experiences. Be in the audience! Tickets: $7.50 and $6.50 For additional ticket Information, please call the Gammage Box Office, 96S-3434. April 4, 1978 Stale Mess Page 3 Underground subway line to handle shuttle overflow f By Spawn Sammons Due to the tremendous success of ASU’s shuttle bus system. University administrators plan to build a $50 million subway system in its place. Flack Panic, vice president for student affairs, explained the logic behind the administration's bold move to solve the campus parking problem. “There were almost eight people using the shuttle bus weekly, so we figured there was a need for the subway,” he said. “The system will put an end to the parking problem for good. Besides, we're sick of all this bitching.” Panic said his office received numerous complaints that the air conditioning on the two Greyhound luxury liners often malfunctioned, and that only one rest room per bus was inadequate to handle the long ride from lot 59. “We evaluated all the alter­ natives, and a subway system is definitely the cheapest way to go,” he said. During construction of the system , which will take ap­ proximately five years, all campus transportation will be halted and commuting students will be required to put in two hours of hard labor daily, he said. “We will furnish shovels and flashlights,” Panic added. “Commuting students owe a little something to this in­ stitution. We’re just giving them a chance to work off their debt," he said. Panic said, the proposed subway will feature exotic Soggy food to be served daily in sub­ terranean splendor. Seafood casserole, chipped beef on toast and hot dogs au gratin will be among the meals featured in the dining car. “We feel this dining car is quite an innovation,” Panic said with a gleam in his eye. “And by the way, students on the work gangs, er . . . I mean con­ struction teams will be treated to a free lunch. "Hungry w orkers don’t perform," he chuckled. Once completed, the subway will leave from lot 59 and stops will be at strategic points around the campus, Panic said. Panic said he is looking for­ ward to the subway's 1983 christening. “I personally will drive the first subway train through the bowels of the campus at an average speed of 100 miles per hour,” he beamed. Students who perform most valiantly in construction of the system will have the honor of accompanying the vice president on his wild ride. “I can't wait to get the pedal to th e m etal and see what th at mother will do,” he said. “I don’t think shell crack until around 150 mph/’ Sneaky beavers construct dam A concrete-and-steel dam that has mysteriously sprung up at the convergence of the Salt and Verde rivers was built by beavers, not humans, a Salt River Project spokesman said Monday. “Those cute little devils will build dams out of anything they can get their paws on,” said Ray Malarkey, former head of the waylaid Orme Dam Project. But Valley zoology experts claim there are few, if any, beaver families in the area, and even if there were, the animals would lack the materials and technical skills necessary to construct the 350-foot structure. “That's nonsense," Malarkey said. “How do you think the expression ‘eager beaver’ came about? “The beavers in the area probably realized the site was a perfect spot for a dam,” he said. Malarkey said beavers probably stole the construction materials from passing trucks. “They’re quick as hell, and they usually strike at night when no one is looking,” he said. Freebies end Price goes up; staff to benefit No more freebies for ASU students. The Stale Mess, previously a bargain at zero cents per copy, will begin charging 50 cents per issue next week. Profits from the price hike will support the in­ duction of one-half of the campus newspaper’s staff into detoxification centers. A University spokesman term ed the price increase "progressive." He later commented that he wouldn’t mind participating in the program himself. Complaints by members of the community and University staff members sparked the price hike. "Droning, mushy-sounding voices and moronic in­ s u lts ” by re p o rte rs a p p a re n tly irked some a d ­ ministrators. Also, bodies lying prostrate in hallways near the Stale Mess office around the newspaper’s deadline time caught the eye of a few irate observers. “We decided to meet the problem head-on,” said the spokesman. “The staff was living just a little too highoff-the-hog," he quipped. With the increase in the newspaper’s price, most of the troublemakers will be dried out in a two-week session involving electro-shock therapy. The staff members will file their daily stories by telephone to the Stale Mess office while undergoing treatm ent. The new, high-priced, unimproved newspaper will be pawned off by vendors from a local school for the blind. The paper will also be available by subscription at about $32 per year. “It’s a real burn,” admitted one staff member, who will begin treatm ent as soon as the dollars come rolling in. “I type better when I’m loaded anyhow, it’s just hard to get the paper into the machine.” There is no substitute for experience. ✓ V ice M ayor H arry M itc h e ll Vote Harry M itchell, Candidate for Mayor of Tempe Page 4 Stale Mess April 4, 1978 I can’t stand a bunch of drunks. stale mess Leave me alone what's a This is it. I've had it. I’ve had it with always being “journalistically correct” and “ethnically responsible” for this damn fishwrapper. I m tired of it and all the fricking letters to the editor by all those selfrighteous pseudo-minds who think they know it all. Well, let me tell all of you clowns the real truth about ASU for once this year, while I'm buzzed enough to do it. T here's no “internal struggle" betw een students and ad ­ ministration. Our University president and his staff are the greatest bunch of guys you'd ever want to bring home to meet Mother. And some wino who wanted to be student body president years ago thought up the parking mess, too, just to get votes. And the Greeks? Well, if they want to pants a bunch of fluffs and dump vodka all over each other’s cars, that's their goddam business. Other than that, they’re perfectly innocuous. And the blacks' major argument at this University really boils down to their assumption that they’ve got to sit in the back of the bus. Well, they can come in the front and stand with us anytime. To top it all off, all those football players never made those phone calls. Hell, they don't even know how to dial. It was all a stunt to get you to buy more tickets to the Fiesta Bowl (C’mon, admit it, you went to that game just to focus your field glasses on all those "bums who screwed Mountain Bell”). Well, that's all I’ve got to say. Maybe I’ve said too much and busted all your little bubbles. I hope you're as happy as I am with the inescapable fact that there’s really nothing controversial at this University worth chewing the bacon fat about. You know what it's like to run a newspaper at a place like this? You try it sometime, see how you like it. Guest gripe — — Elvln Bishop THERE* THATU FIX YA,E>KUP. ; JUST TRY a n d DO A SATIRICAL C A ^ T O O A / NO W/S (fa, fa1); T»£ O rit\ 1 W A N D STO P I Í H ID 'M O y o u r QOQD CMTOoNór |S A Q u * tr o h i m m t-SlGNATUKEf IN YOUR EfE, eftio' ÏY5 3 (-A T f, ; pKUDNEYi -S5RUDÎ? 5IESS “Bark” Mames Backscratch Fever The usual every Tuesday at 9:30 a.m. It's up to Dr. Swata’s office for our bimonthly “ASU In Review.” But this time I wasn’t about to take any of his crap ab^-it not being able to meet student interests. I found Swata in normal form: feet propped up on his desk, his Kinney loafers with holes still showing from his days as President at Missouri. He had a lit Benson and Hedges 100 in his hand. "All right Marnes. I’m ready to settle this matter with any method or by any test you wish to employ.” “Well," I said, “I’m not one for violence, but I’ll go for a game of foosball at the ASSASU Activities Center." “Fine," he said. “But I want Dr. Pork to officiate, just to make sure this is not another one of your Shell games.” As we were walking out the door he shouted, “Lori, please call a cab for us.” I asked him why we needed a cab to get to the MU and he said, “Listen Marnes, Tm a busy man. Do you think I have the time to know where everything is on this campus?” As we arrived at the foosball table. Dr. Pork had just finished slapping the back of a student so hard the lad was vomiting. “Pork always was a politico,” commented Swata. At game time .quite a crowd had gathered. Swata was putting up a big fuss because the bar handles for his goalie and forward guards w ere not sufficiently lubricated. I suggested he give vice president for business affairs Flak Panick a call and have him send over a Physical Breakdown SWAT team to take care of it. “No way," he related. “Those SOBs took six months to fix my door after students tore it down during that Affirmative Action protest last year." After a few minutes of consulting with Athletic Director Ferd Mauler, he decided to play anyway. As he perked up Swata said, “All right Marnes, what are we settling and what are the stakes?” “The Whole Thing,” I replied. “You mean . . ." Swata appeared amazed. “That's right, Jon. the whole thing. A radio station, concerts and student activities con­ trolled by students, family planning, women’s health care, academic appellate procedures, control of student fees, coed housing, a liquor license, a credit union, day care . . . The Whole Thing." “Jesus!!” yelled Pork. “Marnes must have . . . (everyone gasped) Backscratch Fever!!” “That’s right George,” I Said calmly. “I'm tired of this bullshit. I’ve cooperated on Swata interests for such concerns as diploma mills, the University budget and general public relations without ever receiving any cooperation in return.” Mauler ran over to Swata to tell him the Son Angles had just switched their bet in favor of Marnes. “What!!” he screamed. ‘They can’t do that. Have they no loyalty?” Mauler replied with something about money not begetting morality. “Very well, Marnes, I know that when the students get Backscratch Fever I’m going to have to meet their student interests, but promise me one thing,” he said, looking my way. “What’s that?” I replied. Swata grimaced and looked me straight in the eye. “Promise me, just promise me that you won’t go to the Regents or the Legislature anymore.” “I wouldn’t promise that if you tied my tongue to a horse and dragged me forty miles,” I retorted. Pork looked longingly at Swata and finally, with a bit of moisture plainly clear in his eyes, he spoke in a soft tone. “Well, at least we don’t have to deal with the Tribkien-Bratten-Ditchway machine anymore.” Swata, taking a last puff on his Benson and Hedges, tightened up and spoke quickly. “I know, George, but this is worse.” Stephen Saeed — Another look fro m somewhere south o f Ajo Nihilistic Nazis demand minority abortions The Cubans have been warmly welcomed and helped by United States authorities and praised as courageous politically persecuted victims of a despotic communist regime. But the decision to comply with the Illinois Board of Education was not met with total acceptance. Anti­ busing advocates took to the streets and as a result Chicago has been the scene of violence and increased racist polarization over the issue. Hence, we discover professors who institute ‘rap sessions' and propaganda seminars as substitutes for the traditional classrooms. If one dares to go beyond and suggest that the func­ tion of the University is to search for truth, one incurs the wrath of the semi-enlightened and is stamped with the label, “beyond hope.” With this remarkable discovery of modernity, mere mortals can now fulfill gnostic dreams of Occupying the place of God by literally, with their butcher knives in hand, passing life or death judgment on the fate of future generations. These ideas have coalesed at the college level to form a situation that is indeed a marvel of liberal wizardry. Nothing is more violent than the stifling of a man’s spirit, and the hunger of a child. Violence is all the aforementioned and much more. It is being perpetrated daily on both racial minorities and poor whites alike. It is relegated people to the status of second class citizens without the mobility afforded the majority population. This disease, which certainly affects all of us here at ASU, manifests itself in the form of both a structural malaise and a content deficiency. When one comprehends the dimensions and seriousness of the above degradation one can un­ derstand why a great number of our courses merely reinforce the nihilistic and egalitarian thrusts of modernity. The whole power struggle was built in the name of efficiency but this arrangement didn’t turn out to be as effective as it was expected to be. The five permanent minority members have behaved no better than any other members. They have invaded foreign lands, waged colonial wars, obstructed the expression of the will of the majority, defied the United .Nations resolutions, killed their own students, workers and citizens, imprisoned their own intellectuals and dissidents, manipulated the making and unmaking of the foreign governments and have defied the sovereign equality that they had promised to respect and honor. The mere sight of a swastika serves as a flashback of the mass destruction and their individual sufferings at Nazi concentration camps. So what’s the solutions? Drop your pen suddenly as if startled by a loud noise, then abruptly stand, throw up your arms and shake, as though possessed by a demonic spirit, and at the top of your lungs, with a bit of hysteria in your voice, scream the words, Richard Nixon. Officials (at least some of them) realize that academic discipline requires appropriate action against such behavior. This intellectual vanguard reflects an awareness that the system has become repressive and it’s time to take some action. The first statement of principles, in this proposal, stated that “the organization is based on the principle of sovereign equality of all peace loving states.” But why are many establishment figures so willing to intercede? They did so for the same reason that so many rightwing columnists today claim that ASU is not a barbarous dictatorship, despite evidence to the con­ trary. April 4, 1978 Stale Mess Page 5 L e tte rs to th e E d ito r The prolific appearance of our chirping and pollinating species at this time of year represents over two million years of dignity Editor: I am writing this letter in an and pride in our heritage. Too attem pt to rectify the bad your “springtime” activities widespread defamation of birds (“ catching some rays” or and bees by the University “playing frisbee") don't offer your kind the same hubristic community. Your two photographs in the attitude. We have been swatted, shot, March 24 issue of Stale Mess, along with the traditional “birds sprayed and bumbled, and we and bees” sexual innuendo are fed up. My friend, the Lord of the portrayed in the photo caption, only serve to further the Featherites was too angered at your insensitivity to write; he stereotypes of out two species For the record, wfe do not refer merely raised his middle claw to ourselves as “ birds” and and flipped you a human. I can only ask: “ how “bees”. In our culture, we are respectfully known as "feather- long . . . how long must this ites” and “buzzbutts.” You, how­ buzzshit go on?” Jim “the Buzzbutt” GiO ever, in your human publication, (not a bee] run by human staff members at this human University continue to refer to us by your human names. Furthermore, we are tired of being associated with the Editor: seasonal sexual promiscuity of Once again, the Stale Mess has your species. We have only a chosen to pick on us, the banal hunger-drive interest in Romans. I suppose th is is the “flowers and the trees” and inherent to am ateur, rank generally couldn’t give a rat’s ass reporting in which you pride about “the moon up above and a yourselves, but this time you thing called love." really went too far. Week after week, I (a buzzYour front page story entitled butt), buzz over open copies of “Roman rite s revealed” con­ the Stale Mess, only to be in­ tained several examples of sulted and stereotyped by your blatant sensationalism . For paper and indeed, by all mem­ example, it’s been years since bers of your species. we’ve used real lions in Orcus Did you know that there are Week sacrificial rites. And we more “birds" and “bees” (as you seldom use whips and chains, call us) on this campus than despite requests from our humans? pledges. Yet, what percentage of the Anyway, you’ve really got a ASU faculty is made up of lot of nerve criticizing us, Stale “birds” and “bees”? Specifically, Mess. Why don't you ever write how many “birds” or “bees” are about the good things we do? instructors in the mass com­ And when was the last time a munications department . . . or Stale Mess editor raced tricycles aren’t we part of the masses to all day? When was the last time be communicated with? one of your people was involved We buzzbutts have been in a Marathon Sunbath Fest? viewed as being ill-tempered, We don’t think these activities sting-happy pests and worse, our are worth shit either, but we do featherite comrades have been them! portrayed as being flighty, Despite your latest attempts pebble-pecking creatures who to play Woodstein, you have not would rather shit on your head dampened our spirits with your than engage in intelligent nasty, malicious reporting. We conversation. will continue to be the largest Buzz off Romans and most innocuous student group on campus. But watch out. Stale Mess. If you don't cut it out, we might do something really drastic, like call our daddies. Marcus Dorkus Claudius Moodhis Gladiators-in-Chief L etter policy All letters must be ready for publication, preferably typeset. The Stale Mess reserves the right to edit, condense, rewrite or throw away any or all letters, according to the whim of the editor. And remember, if you don't have anything nice to say about us, don’t bother to write, because we won’t print it. Raging heathens Editor: I am the Way, the Truth and the Life. Yea, though you ASU students walk the paths of sin, lust and diseased perversion, I can heal you of your wounds, purge you of your tra n s­ gressions, cleanse you of all your sins. To all of your misguided charges of my being a “rabblerouser” I say anathema. Thou sayest it, not I. Though I insult your habits, your lives, and what you are, know always that I love you. I love you with the love of all loves, the love that loves more than love can love, the love of loving love that loves until love itself stops loving. I forgive all of you your sins, even though some of you young women profane the dignity of Almighty God by having the effrontery to wear pants in public, I still forgive you. I know what forgiveness means. God has forgiven the fact that I run a women’s dress shop. That’s the beauty of God, my friends. We can have ulterior motives, but He doesn’t. George “Jed” Smock Reformed heathen ae S E N A T O R R O AD P R E S C O T T , A R IZ O N A 86301 L Needs a few top MEN counselors for its BOYS’ division. Season: June 11 - Aug. 12. Mr. Jack May will be interviewing on campus TUESDAY, APRIL 4. For appointment and application form, check with Career Services, ASB 102 (Part-time and Summer Division). THE HONORS PROGRAM of the COLLEGE OF LIBERAL ARTS HONORS LECTURE SERIES Dr. Joan Hoff Wilson Professor of History "W O M EN AND THE AMERICAN REVOLUTION" •Wednesday, April 5, 2:40 p.m. •Physical Science Center, Room PSF-123 All members of the University community are cordially invited. That’s Italian! SCOTTSDALE'S NEWEST COMPLETE ITALIAN RESTAURANT TAKE ADVANTAGE OF US! TREAT YOURSELF NOW WHILE OUR GRAND OPENING PRICES ARE STILL IN EFFECT! Free Kodak color reprint! HOT DINNERS WELCOME BACK TO NEW YORK 1819 N . S c o tts d a le R d . 2 B lo c k s N o r t h o f M c D o w e ll A Delightful Corner of New York in Scottsdale, Arizona Now, for a limited time, you can get a Kodak color reprint from your favorite Kodacolor negative. All you have to do is order 4 same-size reprints at one time before April 26, 1978. We ll only charge you for 3. The fourth one is FREE! Come in and ask for full details. 9 4 5 -7 1 6 7 Real Italian P I Z Z A P I E a Tantalizing Taste Treat Tomato & Cheese............................................... 3.75 Extra Cheese..................................................... 4.25 With Sausage..................................................... 4.25 With Anchovies................................................. 4.25 With Mushrooms............................................... 4.25 With Peppers..................................................... 4.25 With Onions....................................................... 4.25 With Pepper on i ................................................. 4.25 With Canadion Bacon....................................... 4.25 With Black Olives............................................. 4.25 Any Two Combinations..................................... 4.50 That's Italian! Special....................................... 6.00 COLOR PROCESSING ... K o d a k HOT ft COLD BIG ITALIAN SANDWICHES 3.00 3.50 3.50 3.50 3.50 3.50 3.50 3.50 3.50 3.50 3.75 5.00 That’s Italian! is m ore than ¡ust a place to see — It's PIONEER CAMERA T em p e C enter 967-4662 966-8363 A ll D inners in clu d e Se/ed end Ger/ic Breed Losogno..................................... 2.50 Ravioli w ith Tomato Sauce...................................1.85 Ravioli w ith Meat Sauce...................................... 2.10 Spaghetti with Tomato Sauce............................. 1.50 Spaghetti with Marinara Sauce......................... 1.60 Spaghetti with Meat Sauce................................. 1.85 Spaghetti w ith Mushroom Sauce.......................1.85 Spaghetti with Clam Sauce...............................2.35 Spaghetti and Meatballs.....................................1.95 Spaghetti and Sausage........................................ 2.10 Spaghetti and Veal Parmigiana.........................2.75 Spaghetti and Eggplant Parmigiana................... 2.35 Baked Ziti or Mostachelli with Tomato Sauce............................................... 1.90 Baked Ziti or Mostachelli with Meat Sauce.............................................. 2.25 Baked Ziti or Mostachelli with Veol Parmigians.......................................2.85 yesterday w rapped up into tom orrow . O ld World Italian elegance nestled into a contem porary setting. Hot, Famous, Really Exquisite-All Flavored w ith the B est Genuine Ita lia n Sauce and Im p o rte d Spices Meatball................................................................^ ^ Sausage.................................................. 1^ Sausage and Peppers........................................ Veal and Peppers.............................................. Veol Parmigiana..................................................2 00 Eggplant Parmigiana...........................................^ ^ Pepper Steak........................................................^ Pepper Steak with Mushrooms. Onions and Melted Cheese................................. ^^ AH S a n d w ic h a s ba lo w d a lid o u sly covarad w ith L ettuce Tornatomi Onions. OH a n d W ins Vinagar. p lu s o ur S p a d a ! Sea so n in g 1. Super Sub ' - Mortadella. Capocollo, Solomi Ham. Pepperoni, Provolone....................... I ™ 2. Roast Beef..................................... i 8° 3. Roast Beef ond Capocollo-hot or cold. 1.85 4. Salami, Ham, Cheese.......................I 5. Capocollo. Salami. Mortadella,Cheesel.70 6. Pepperoni. Cheese, Salami.......... 1.65 7. Boiled Ham. Cheese. Solami.Capocollol .70 8. Hot Pastrami................................. 1*^5 9. Turkey........................................... 1-70 10. Ham and Cheese............................1.60 11 Tuna Fish................................................ 1.60 Page 6 Stale Mess April 4, 1978 M ore commuter students could be electronically tracked within a ranging from radar jamming devices and anti-missile missiles three-mile radius of the campus. Upon detection of a parking to “conventional warhead ac­ violator, one of a fleet of three cident insurance.” It may be argued by critics, recently purchased surplus army helicopter gunships would be tightw ads and hum anitarians dispatched from “ Parking that this three-phase campaign Control.” The aircraft would against parking lot nomads is begin m arketing rubberized each carry three air-to-ground farfetched, expensive and cruel. However, in examining “commuter gloves" for those missiles with conventional rebellious students seeking non- warheads guided by a laser alternative solutions such as the conductive protection while they targeting system capable of construction of multi-level persist in their illegal parking hitting anything from a Win­ parking facilities or the im­ provement of bus service to and nebago to a Honda Civic. habits. The parking violator sub­ from campus, it seems obvious PHASED In this portion of the plan, a sequently would be erased from that neither plan would be as specially-trained ASU demolition the face of the Earth as would profitable or effective as the team would implant hundreds of fifty or so surrounding legal aforementioned creation. As I’ve always said: the only anti-vehicular exploding land parking places. The profit angle is simple: good commuter is one you can mines in all unauthorized parking areas. Subsequent parking commuter students would be make money from. Happy Motoring violators would simply be blown forced to purchase, at ASU Jim “R Sticker” Gill into submission (as well as prices, an entire array of through the roof of their car). Fellow commuter students, upon seeing the charred remains YOUR LOCAL DATSUN DEALER of their fallen comrades strewn indiscriminantly across campus, would flock to the Memorial Union’s Arizona Room where, at great expense, they would be able to purchase an official ASU automobile mine sweeper to be used in detecting the deadly devices. For the less wealthy, more risky commuter student, survey maps would be sold showing the Oh Service Work and Counter Parts exact location of not less than 75 percent of the undetonated FOR ANY DATSUN SERVICE TO A IL ASU mines, giving the map holders only one chance in four of being STUDENTS,FACULTY,STAFF WITH ASU ID CARD immediately withdrawn both TO BE PRESENTED AT TIME OF PURCHASE from th eir classes and th eir bodies. PHASE DI In this ultimate “no-nonsense” portion of the master plan, the ASU parking security team would man a specially1701 W. BROADWAY • MESA • 034-3300 constructed radar tracking station and command post high Special M o n d a y H o u rs: 7 :3 0 a .m .- 9 p .m . atop Gammage Auditorium. Parts open Sat. 8:30 a.m . - 12:30 p.m. From this “E agle’s N est,” L e tte r s to th e E d ito r Editor: Count me in. I'm adding my voice to the mass outcry of open-mouthed Arizona taxpayers who find it disgusting th a t this school’s paltry parking place provisions which yield thousands of annual profit dollars from ASU’s parking spaced-out commuter students. It’s just not good enough. Imagine a tax-supported in­ stitution bodiced by all the buck backing our legislative m ouseketeers can m uster, is barely making money the the vehicle victimization biz. True, ASU has done an ad­ mirable job of selling at least five commuter student parking decals for every three available parking places in an effort to increase ticket proceeds. But even with tow trucks and wheel-locking devices employed against parking place poachers, the ASU administrators haven’t even begun to pop the pimple of profits simply oozing with the dollars of unknowing commuter students. I however, having carefully contemplated the situation for upwards of ten minutes, have formulated the following three phase plan, which will deal with offenders in manners ranging from subtle coercion to total obliteration. In order for this plan to be p ro p e rly im p le m e n te d , procedures must be based upon the two major suppositions by which, presum ably, the ASU parking adm inistrators now abide. Supposition #1: Commuter students prefer to park in unauthorized areas. Illegal parking is, to their kind, a symbol of independence, rebellion and peer group status. Given the choice between a legal and illegal parking place, a commuter student will always choose the latter. Supposition #2: Commuter students inherently possess lower than average intelligence and are, therefore, unable to ascertain or act against situations that take advantage of their mental deficiencies. Thus, administrators may ignore their few muddled p rotests and proceed in the m anner most financially beneficial to the University. With these prerequisite postulations in mind, we may proceed with: OPERATION PARKING PROFIT; PHASE I (in which the commuter students get their oats). I. In this, the mildest phase of the operation, a twofold ap­ proach will be utilized to “create” more parking violators and therefore, more parking citation profits. For a nominal amount of money, ASU would purchase the hulks of 1,000 or so junk cars from local wrecking yards. Then, a fter being equipped with surplus com m uter student parking decals, these driverless autos would be dispatched to perm anently occupy parking places throughout the commuter lots. The amazingly slow -w itted commuter students would simply assume that the same people parked in the same spots every morning and hence, would never realize that a thousand more of their ranks were being ticketed each day for being without a legal parking spot. In the second portion of Phase I, a special team of electronics experts known as “the Juice Squad" would hunt down illegally parked autos. Then, by means of a portable electric generator, squad mem bers would wire the m etallic door handle of the offending car to conduct a moderate current of 200 or so volts. When the car’s owner a t ­ tem pted to open the door by grabbing the “hot” handle, they would be shocked into a paralytic stupor until, by vocal sub­ mission, they agreed to allow th e ir insulated electric ambushers to extract a $25 “turn off the juice” fee. As an extra source of income for ASU, the bookstore could March 2 thru April 21 SERVICE SPECIAL! 15% DISCOUNT MESA DATSUN LAST CHANCE! To Register For The COLLEGE READING PROGRAM READ FASTER! COMPREHEND BETTER! REMEMBER MORE! The six weeks non-credit course can be taken by anyone who pays the $35.00 fee. REGISTER TODAY in the Reading Center, Room B112 of Payne Hall. Further information may be obtained by calling 965-7766. Pick a class that fits your schedule from the list below: RNAL SESSION: April 3 - May 12 REGISTRATION ENDS APRIL 5! Submarines Roast Beef Pastrami Sicilian Calzone Meatball Sausage 9 6 7 -2 9 4 1 “WE DELIVER” Dinners Spaghetti Lasagne Manicotti Stuffed Shell Ravioli Night Sections (P.Mv) 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. MWF MWF T-TH T-TH 9:40-10:30 10:40-11:30 8:40- 9:55 10:40-11:55 M T W TH 7:00-9:30 7:00-9:30 7:00-9:30 7:00-9:30 DESCRIPTION OF THE COLLEGE READING PROGRAM New York Style Pizza thick or thin crust The C ollege Reading Program is a com prehensive fifte e n (15) hour non-credit course designed to increase com prehension, speed and retention o f reading materials. The course focuses on com prehension as the key to rapid and e fficie n t reading. Reading is defined as an active decision-m aking process whereby the reader selectively looks for those clues w hich w ill enable him to reconstruct m eaning from p rin t. Therefore, no special eye or fin g e r m ovem ents are stressed. W ithin the fram ework o f large g ro u p , sm all group, ar.d individual experiences, the student w ill actively participate rather than be lectured to by an instructor. Salads & Garlic Bread Served with all Dinners LUNCH SPECIAL DAILY I Any 16-inch Large Pizza I I Morning Sections (A.M.) [Also good on deliveries.] Expires 4 /1 1 /7 8 I Si- S tudents can benefit from th e program as study becomes m ore productive through increased speed and com prehension. A lso , those stu d en ts who may have to take ap titud e or q u a lifyin g exa m in a tio n s w ill fin d that increased speed and com prehension aids them in sections where reading a b ility is tested. On the basis of past experience and research, im provem ent in reading is prom ised by the program . Classes in the past have attained average increases o f fifty (50) to one hundred th irty (130) per cent. The question is not whether the student can im prove but how much he can improve. April 4. 1978 Stale Mess Page 7 M r Macho Forced by a salary cut to seek outside employment, Univer­ sity President Jon Swata salutes the crowd after a wrestling win In Phoenix. Swata, who wrestles under the name Mo Starsky-Hutch has an 0-4 record this season. When asked about his career Swata said, “Me and Bobby [Pull It In] Douglas have been working together and he thinks I have a good shot at the 1980 Olympics. [Stale Mess staph foto by Dave, Dave, Dave] v>h n b s m n e w rr s w n ra /ÌT D SVMf TO "RAW- Ç SENSJiU, E X P E R IE N C E . tr*' _ BlKTNttCUDVMHJCVIS! S & g. . 3 33; \& m TTV E A K IM A L P XK A CONTENT Xapo locAJJ AT THE SUN D EVIL LOUNGE CHESTED ûocSLlHlftST' ¡H 3R C3TA A P lu s 25C C o o rs & 2 5 c w ell d rin ks from 6 :0 0 - 8 :0 0 p .m . Live country a n d rock music K O M B by the famous Valley group. Coyote. A U -D A ¥ !t IN D I BINDERS 77S' 5. HAfDEK TtoAP * TEiAtfE, : C o tta é C e tt k a t iv e «.«. . C oyote s ta r ts a t 8 : 3 0 e v e r y M o n d a y ' Tuesday a n d W e d n e s d a y n ifih t. Rural 8c A pache, Tempe. Page 8 Stale Mess April 4, 1978 Stale M ess struttili ■mt =•* w K m i k\ «gag W: • f i■*». ,Ur*?3è\ M vm » ÜÊTm ÉPllllìsi m s& m ¡ ¡ M R^i&i>#SlÌ gr^iJ&w ìWmÈ m Ê Ê & w E *» ■$M &r-2 S JSP Bm I’m * 'li I ÎÜs u saweawa m rJ« e WM© ywiys P § f B É IÌ2 * UV** P î® * '3£j2w? „ 7 * nhl « ! *fc>W M >e fa re s way to the top. Today s Navy operates more than half the reoaors in America. Our nudeor training program b rhe besr anywhere. And nudeor officers m ove rapidly through the ranks earning executive level salaries (srorr or S14,000) So. If you're looking for o career anywhere in the nudeor field, the Navy con give you the boost that wlH send you right to the top. •or any idence nrx^or with o year ot calculus and physics. R M M M IB K A a SPRING CLEARANCE SAI P M atch 31 through A p ril 10 CLOSEOUT Patagonia Rugby Shirts Reg. $24.50 *1 5 °° ALPINE PRODUCTS POLARGUARD VESTS. PARKAS and BAGS Reduced 30% SUPER VALUES - Reduced 30% CHOUINARD GUIDE SWEATERS Reg. $45.00 Now »99»» 5 0 % OFF All Other Sweaters, Shirts and Other Woolens 3 0 % OFF WHILE STOCK LASTS - 1825 N. SCOTTSDALE RD„ TEMPE $650/m o n th scholarship for up to 12 mon-ths of your senior year. TRAILWISE DOWN VESTS. PARKAS and SLEEPING BAGS SPECIAL Juniors & Seniors may qualify for a THE NAVY INFORMATION TEAM FOR OFFICER PROGRAMS will be on the ASU Mall April 10-12, 10 a.m . to 2 p.m. and a t the Holiday Inn April 10-12, 3 p.m. to 7 p.m. MANY OTHER SPECIALS 949-5082 or call: Lt. Dave Kendall, (602) 261-3158 April 4, 1978 Stale Mess Page 21 Boone injects life into the late Janis We <§tiutterbug A n n o u n c e s The Perfect Bedroom Picture Contest “Ar ! r* r t* *° J * T r ” D*!?*y Boone [Ber^ U * y Records LV24681 Th® tTr° ’!ecord hve a,bum ,s certainly a step in the right direction from Debby’s “You Light Up My Life." Boone really ^ dow ^n a concert environment, especially using the formula hits of the late Janis Joplin. T T ,y t y 5e* S 5 ,? ' 'f ad ****"• Ron Wood on bass. Leon Russell on keyboards. Phil Lesh on drums and Shawn Cassidy as backup vocalist. Debby seared the stage with numbers like “I Need A Man to Love. Summertime.” “Piece of My Heart " “Ball and Chains" and “Lord, Won’t You Buy Me a Mercedes Benz ” Debby seems to have taken lessons from the lady herself on this album. A must in every old hippie’s record collection. —Greg Colombian ‘Environments - Silent Sounds” (Atlantic ZOOO-ZJ A new album has been added to the “Environment” series from Atlantic. This album, entitled “Silent Sounds.” supplements the original issues that involved only nature sounds. Of the fifteen tracks, highlights are “Philodendron Growing ’’ “Evaporation of a Rain Puddle,” “Flight of the Butterfly” and “Prt Rocks Dozing in the Sun.” The recording techniques used for this album are highly effective and result in a clean sound, enhancing the unique differences in each setting. A new direction is taken on this album with the inclusion of dif ferent types of environmental settings. “Molding Cheese,” “Drying Sox” and “Flat Beer in a Mug” are excellent examples of the preservation of new types of environmental soundsations. —Suzy Cream Cheese ‘DIESEL DAMNED,” FLANKSTEAM FULLER (Cowpie Records AS243] Country fans have a new star to focus in on with the arrival of Flanksteak Fuller, a former janitor in a bus depot in Amarillo and Bible belt preacher. With such hits as “Tire Iron,” “This Diesel Man’s Love Life’s a Blow-out,” “Bisbee Breakdown Boogie” and “Jesus Beats the Bennies in My Life, Fuller rubs axle grease in the face of other stars like Way Ion Jennings and Charley Pride. The color Fuller puts into each song brings the smell of a feedlot and the graffiti off a Lubbock gas station wall to the listener in the comfort of his own latrine. —Greg Colombian © o o o o o o o o o p o eo o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o co o o o o o o co & o c^ I Nowyoucanstand I tor your date | gppf •M l The Rules f I Any picture of onv subject, person or f>cr• sons, object, or situation, may be user!, provided it is photographed ic it h in a bedroom. A bedroom may be considered a subject. ( % 2j No photos 1irger than 8 x 10 u ill be ac­ cepted. A medium from fndaroids to view cameras >..uv be used. 31 All Photos must be identified with photographer $ name, address and phone num­ ber. 4nv pictures of recognizable humans must be accompanied by a model release. This in­ formation should be affixed to the b