Campus Sex Parties
______

SEE PAGE 9

------------- -------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------

Gag Rag_______ _____________ ______________________

STALE PRESS

Why I« th« man en th e left «ueplclou»? Tun» ln next week.

__________

No j

College Bowl Team Suspended
On Cribbing Rap

IT ’S T H A T #•% % /* C O L L E G E M A L L — E verytlm e I w a lk dow n
that street, m y shoes s in k lower and low er into the ground. N ow
. I can’t even get m y Shoes on because they’re so stiff w ith mud.
I ’ll m iss m y delicious lunch at the M U Cafeteria if I don’t get
them on m y feet again. Help me Cecelia!

m m sm m m m m

The four members of the
ASU College Bowl team were
suspended from school at 3:17
p.m. yesterday when Univer­
sity officials found the students
had used crib sheets on the
nationally televised program.
University officials were in­
formed of the information late
yesterday morning when Maj­
or Electric Corp. demanded re­
turn of the money it had
awarded the University for
scholarships.
The team members were Suzee Smith, Peddle Porthole,
Kathy Kleindienst and Willard
Goldlips, captain. Trainer and
coach of the team was Dr. Neal
Scaloppini, assistant professor
of Etruscan.
Action was taken with all
possible haSte, but the four col­
lege bowlers may have already
spent some of the thousands in
scholarship moneys made avail­
able to them, according to a
high University source.
THE
D R U N K janitor also
said, “If the school doesn’t get
the money back from the four,
we’ll probably have to levy a
tithe on the student body.”
At 3:23 the Stale Press call­
ed Dr. Scaioppini's office and

KASN Unplugged;
Engineer Plugged in
KASN adviser Rob Beilis
yesterday explained the mys­
terious absence of the station’s
strong! signal on campus dur­
ing the past few weeks.
“It all started,’’ Beilis said,
“when one of our engineers,
Clyde Smutscleff, was offered
a cigarette by station manager
Dick Wracker.”
He went on to explain that
Wracker is somewhat a practi­
cal joker and added that the
cigarette offered Smutscleff,
“. . . was, of course, loaded.”

“After we cleared away the
rubble,” Beilis said, “we found
poor ol’ Clyde with his pos­
terior sorta’ jammed in where
the speaker ought to be in that
$300 speaker system.
“Ol’ Clyde was sooo mad that
as the stretcher boys carried
him out, he grabbed the trans­
mitter plug and pulled it out.”
Smutscleff is undergoing
plastic surgery at the Student
Health Center where his con­
dition *is described as “a little
bent out of shape.”

S C I E N C E A D V I S E R — Dr. S a m .
uel E. Pottbottom has been
named science a d v ise r to P re s­
ident D urham . H e has hie d e ­
gree from Seance Tech.

Sahuaro Yearbook Advisor
Suspended by the Editor
SEE PAGE 3

received no answer. We then
called ASU President Karl
Wochner.
Wochner had only this com­
ment to make concerning the
cheating scandal, “I don’t think
we should he too hasty to con­
demn the team, or for that
matter the administration or
the faculty. We must take time
to consider the ramifications;
right now I don’t really have a
comment.”
When contacted on the sub­
ject, team captain Goldlips
said, “The only reason we did
it was ’cause we thought we’d
never get caught.” That atti­
tude stinks.
GOLDLIPS went on to dis­
cribe the cheating system he
and his teambnates used: “The
first game we had answers
printed on Suzee’s contact

lens. The second game we had
the answers tatooed on Kathy’s
earlobes. The third game we
had a 12-transistor radio in­
stalled in Feddle’s head and
had the answers read to us by
a source whom I will reveal in
the next issue of the Stale
Press. The fourth game we used
the spots on my necktie to
camouflage answers printed
there.
“During the last contest we
glued on fake fingernails with
answers printed on them. We
lost thait game because we were
all so nervous we’d get caught
we bit all the answers off.”
When asked what he planned
to do now that he had been
severed from ASU, Goldlips
said, “I thought I might try to
get into the Air Force Aca­
demy.”

GGA May Be
Converted to
A Field House

Intercollegiate Athletics has cost of building one. The board
revealed a proposal to convert • issued the following statement:
| Gammage Auditorium into a
“Since we ain’t got enough
field house, the Stale Press money to build a real fieldlearned today.
house this seems to be the only
Included in the new plan way. And since the auditorium
was the seUing of all seats, ain’t benefitting any students
equipment and facilities pres­ now, only the Phoenix Sym­
ently in the building to obtain phony, why not? Besides that,
money to buy bleachers to be there’s plenty of room in Cosinstalled upon conversion of the ner Auditorium for all them
auditorium. The plan also call­ guys who likes culture."
Accompanying a slight $17.46
ed for the razing of the Educa­
tion Building to provide ade­ increase in the amount ICA
quate parking for the proposed takes from student activity
fees it will be necessary to
fieldhouse.
The proposal' came shortly charge $1.75 for each game, said
after a 10-minute meeting of the board.
WHEN ASKED about the sit­
the Board of Athletic Control.
uation,
AS president Karl
THE BOARD’S decision was
based on the imperative need Wochner said, “Well, I haven’t
for a fieldhouse and the high had much time to study the
(Continued o n . . p i m where?)

April 1, 1965

STALE PRESS

Page Tooth

James Bond in
ASU Infirmary

Sororities to Vacate PV Hall
Move to Houses
On Frat Row
Sororities will move out of
Palo Verde Hall and into what
are now fraternity houses on
Alpha Drive next semester.
The office of the associate
dean announced the projected
change in its weekly press con­
ference yesterday.
The “row,” as it is now called,
will be renamed Contempo
North, with the sororities oc­
cupying* every other house, a
source close to the office said.
One major reason given for the
c h a n g e is to “interbreed
strength in the Greek system.”
A N O T H E R r e a s o n is “to
bring to the attention of a cer­
tain men’s magazine that we
can have fun on campus too.”
The plans call for all of the
sororities except the two cur-

| Administration
I
Building
Disappears
Campus Security has reported
that someone has made off with
the Administration Building.
Officer Marshall Law said, “I
was so busy issuing traffic tic­
kets that I didn’t notice it was
missing.” He added with a sly
grin, “I think I ticketed the
thieves’ crane and wrecker.”
President Durham could not
be reached for comment since
he was in the building at the
time. The only thing the rascals
spared was the buildings right
wing which contains the dean
of students’ office.

rently colonizing to occupy five
houses on Alpha Drive. The re­
maining houses will be filled
with fraternity men.
The men will double up in
the other houses, with rooms
given out on a first-come, firstserve basis, after the final plans
for sorority occupancy have
been revealed.
T H E N E W sorority houses
will be operated as honor halls
with the presidents serving as
head residents. “This will al­
leviate the cost of salarying
new head residents,” the source
said. The fraternity house
mothers will be relieved of
their duties.
The value of this “social ex­
periment,” as it has been term­
ed by the dean’s office will be
evident in the high dropout rate
in succeeding semesters, the
the source said. We expect that
the closeness of the fraternities
and sororities which will be
encouraged by the new housing
arrangements will in turn en­
courage a high marriage rate
among coeds.
“A F T E R P L A N S for the
c h a n g e have been made
known,” the source stated, “the
dean’s office expects a sharp in­
crease in the number of girls
interested in going through fall
rush.”
As one official noted, “My
experience with coeds has
proved they just come here to
get a man anyway. But that is
strictly off the record so don’t
quote me on it in your news­
paper.”
j
A random survey of sorority
and. fraternity members re­
vealed almost complete approv­
al of the new plan. Dissenting
opinions came from several co­
eds who said, “I don’t think my
mother would like it.”

FREE ROLL
B6 l W FILM
for anyone with their pants
on BACKWARDS

Student Health Center with a

New Telecourses

H
' KAET-TV, Channel 8, will
fer two new telecourses in the
near future, Station spokesmen
said yesterday. "
The first, “How to Fix Your
TV Set,” is designed as a, noneducational course for elemen­
tary education majors. It of­
fers no credit, but should offer

Officer James Bond of campus
security was admitted to the
severe case of writer’s cramp
yesterday. “I think I got it from

interested students an enlight­
ening look at $he new-found
art, a member of the Arizona
TV Fixers Council said.
The second, “Home and the
Family,” is hosted by Rex Oedi­
pus whom his mother described
as “a wonderful boy, but a little
mixed up.”

writing so many parking tick­
ets,” he said, grimacing in pain.
Nurse Florence Nightentail
said, “He should be all right in
a few days. We are having a
special on our all-purpose blue
pills this week and my dog
seems to enjoy them.”

O i t h the help
o f t h e ......

O xford S h o p ! )

O hrv»*N

othe finest in Iv^-leôgpfc clothing

Offer Good During
10 a.m. -11 a.m. & 2 p.m. - 3 p.m.
TODAY ONLY

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P I O N E E R

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Tempe Center
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P

February 31,1901________ '

___________ STALE PRESS

___________ _______________ ____________

Page 111

Sahuaro Annual Advisor Inhibits Staff

Regents Up
Requirements
For Could-be
Graduates

In an effort to stop what
they’ve termed “campus cor­
ruption,” the Board of Regents
today issued a sweeping de­
claration to raise grade re­
quirements for graduation to a
3.5 cumulative index.
“This will make students
study more and play less,” rea­
soned a board1 member.
The upping of the require­
ment will take effect immed­
iately, said a spokesman for
the board. “Of course, mem­
bers of the athletic teams will
be exempt from the ruling be-

What Do Those
Names on the
Walls Mean?
Dr. James Egg, head of the
Department of Scatology, has
been awarded a $1,873,023.08
by the federal government to
study telephone numbers writ­
ten on the walls of local phone
booths.
According to a federal
spokesman, it is part of Presi­
dent Johnson’s Great Society
program.
Dr. Egg has researched nine
booths so far and found the
same name and number in six
of them. Dr. Egg said he’ll call
the number tonight to do a
more “involved study.” The re­
offer two new telecourses in ,
teh near future, station spokesmagazine under the title, “Dial
M for Millie.”

Special Orders

C redit

Wanted to
Meet
Deadlines

cause we all know athletes
don’t have any time for ¡play­
ing around, whaft with being
in training all the time.”
The decision to raise the re­
quirements came a month after
a report on student social pat­
terns was filed by the Social
Board. The report had included
pictures and descriptions of the
ASU social life. Also included
in the report was a recom­
mendation to provide all wom­
en students with knitting need­
les and men with corn-cob
pipes.
Social Board Chairman Lou­
ise Oaktree said, “We thought IT ’S FREEZER T I M E D O W N S O U T H — Sa h u a ro yearbook editor
otir report reflected the best A la d d in Freezer gazes at h is stolen copy of the 1965 edition. U nder
interests of the student body.” fire of the Sahu aro editor, Freezer decided to take a cooler in his
AS President Karl Wochner icecube-lined tub till the heat in M U 2 subsided.
said, “I don’t'think we should
make any hasty remarks about
the situation now; I, myself,
plan to study the situation fur­
ther.”
“Although we never went to
college we know what all you
young whipper-snappers do
The Student Senate suspend­ senators from coming each
there at those fraternity parties. ed the rules of order and rail­
meeting so no one but me will
Drinking, smoking, dancing and roaded through a measure to know exactly what’s going on.
all those shameful things,” said censure Sen. Glad Hander for Besides that there aren’t en­
one regent.
violating thé senatorial code of ough seats in the Senate Chamconduct.
Sen Hander wap found guilty
of attending two Senate sessions
in a row, thereby making the
other senators look bad. Sen.
Assistant Dean of Men Bos­ Hander could offer no other
well' Birdfood has been accept­ excuse except he thought he
ed into the Young Educators might like to know what he
Society, according ’ to informed would be voting on the next
sources.
time his turn to attend the Sen­
Birdfood is one of 4,000 U.S. ate session.
college administrators to be
It doesn’t pay to know too
inducted into the group.
much about student govern­
'However, he is the first YES ment said speaker Jackie Ham­
man at ASU.
mer. We try to keep all thé

Senate Censures
Its Own Member

YES Award
To Birdfood

Publio Relation*

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Deportment Heads

Sahuaro yearbook
editor
Genie Graux disclosed today
that she and her staff have sus­
pended their adviser, Aladdin
Freezer.
Freezer was shut out cold
after a staff meeting in the
yearbook office, the MU broomcloset. The grounds for his sus­
pension were outlined in a re­
port issued after the meeting,
which read in part:
“ MR. FREEZER has con­
stantly inhibited the Sahuaro
Staff by trying to inject organ­
ization and quality into the
staff, something pour annual
will not tolerate.”
The staff’s statement also
enumerated the charges against
Freezer which included:
—Freezer was trying to per­
suade the staff to meet dead­
lines.
—EYeezer had petitioned to
move the Sahuaro office to a
more convenient location. Like
Dick Thinley’s office.
—EYeezer had insisted on
having
Thinley’s
secretary
serve as student government
editor.
—FREEZER had requested
the staff open the office dur­
ing the day and stop those
night sessions.
—Freezer had continually
asked that the radio be turned
down and female Staff mem­
bers stop dancing.
The suspension of Freezer
will become final after the
facts of the case are weighed
at the ASU Bureau of Weights
and Measures.

jfw

AltonmeiM

D IA M O N D S

C O L L E G E D IA M O N D IM P O R T E R »

Sties

John Horan

the diamond salon for students

Sales

1 3 0 E. E I G H T H S T .
IN T H E A R C H E S
TEM PE

O PEN 10-5
A N D BY A P P O I N T M E N T
PHONE 9 6 7 -B 9 1 7

Pafe 4

December 32, 1965 B.C.

STALE PRESS

S T A L E , P R E $ S is p u b lish e d w h e n e v e r w e feel lik e it a n d is g iv e n the p ow e r
to dc so b y o u r n asty, old s u p e r v is o r a n d s o m e t h in g ca lle d fre e d o m o f the
press. W e are a llo w e d to go t h r o u g h the m a ils b y som e acts rejected by
C o n g r e s s th a t w e c a n 't re m e m b e r r ig h t n ow . T h e S ta le P r e s s is a m e m b e r
o f T a ss a n d the Y e llo w N e w s p a p e r S y n d ic a te .
E d it o r - in - C h ie f
M a n a g in g E d it o r
C h ie f e d ito ria l w r it e r
g a rb a ge c o lle cto r
S o c ie ty E d it o r
P h o to E d it o r

P E R R Y W H IT E
S im o n L a g re e
and
N a m e W it h h e ld
- H a n k H u s tle r
A n n S co e

M e d ic a l E d it o r .
W illia m R. H u r ts
C o p y B o y ..... ................ J im m y O lse n
R e p o r t e r s ...... S le e p y , S n e e z y , D o p e y,
H a p p y , D oc, G r u m p y a n d B a s h fu l
S t a r R e p o rt e rs
........ B la z e Sta rr,
L o is L a n e

To coin a phrase, “Are you kidding me?”
In a word, yes.
We often get tired and restless writing and editing
the same old news. We sit up nights dreaming of revenge.
This is our effort. If you or your organization didn’t make
it this year, you might next year.

By

Fishy Story
This is the first in a series of one in which the editor-in-chief
pontificates on the ills of contemporary Western man. Like Hugh
Hefner he gets his inspiration by going to Bunny clubs.

Day by day we pass them by. Walking, skipping,
jumping we don’t have a care in the world. But right un­
der our very noses the daily struggle for life continues.
We’re talking about the fish in the Old Main pond.
Yes the fish in. the Old Main pond. Have you been over
there lately? THOSE FISH ARE DYING!!! Yes, every day
is another day closer to their final reward. DOESN’T
ANYONE CARE? How would you like to be cramped up
in a pond and have people throw cigarette butts and candy
wrappers at you??? Then every once in a while somebody
would get pinned and have to be thrown into your little
world and you’d get stomped on by a pair of dirty tennies.
You wouldn’t, would you? Well speaking from personal
experience, neither would they.
Are today’s college youths so apathetic that we can
let this condition continue one more day? Contact the dean
of students, your congressman, animal shelter, Charley
the Tuna and President Johnson immediately if not soon­
er. Let’s show the fish we really care.

Why Weather?
As someone once said, ■“Aw, your mother wears
combat boots.” This has nothing to do with what we’re
about to complain about, but it sounded nice as a begin­
ning to one of our editorials.
The situation we are complaining about is the wea­
ther. W e hate to be trite and argue with Mark Twain but
we’re trying to fight this good weather and the chamber
of commerce can go to heck or stay here all summer,
whichever it chooses. We think the administration should
do something about this deplorable situation right now.
This nice weather has got to stop!

This Is A Headline
Reprinted From The UofA Pussykat
It was five minutes before deadline and our adrena­
lin and alcohol in our system was going at full pitch.
Isn’t writing editorials exciting, we thought to ourselves
as the words flowed onto the paper in our typewriter.
Isn’t it ridiculous to write “we” when everybody knows
damn well that it is some jerk who is trying to fill up
space, we wondered to ourselves as the words continued
to engulf paper in our typewriter.
The office was the scene of confusion and madness.
In one corner two reporters were having a fight over a
story, according to reliable sources whom we personally
don’t have much faith in.
Isn’t journalism wonderful as we found we finally
had filled our space. Maybe next year we’ll switch from
elementary education to journalism.

PATRONIZE

T h e e d ito r sa id to me, “ S a y Ron,
w e ’re d o in g a sp e cia l A p r il F o o ls is ­
su e a n d w e w a n t a sp e cia l ca rto o n .“ "

Letters To The Editor
Sensation a Sin
Hey Fink —
Fools!! Idiots!! Imbeciles!!
Finks!! Jerks!! Why does your
newspaper blow everything out
of proportion and sensationa­
lize everything you write
about !! Answer me!! The guys
who write that stuff must be
drunk. Your paper stinks. What
have you got to say for your­
self, sillies?
P.O.
S tick s and stones m ay break
m y bones but nam es w ill never
hurt us.
— Editor

Mistake Revealed
Eddy —
You misspelled my name
again. In Friday’s story you
had my name “Bobbie Krzkyxqntsob.” Now any boy on this
campus knows my name is
Bobby Krzkyxqntsob and my
sorority sisters and I are quite
upset, not to mention my par­
ents and stuffed tiger.
In the future be sure my
name is spelled correctly in
your lousy rag.
Bobby Krzqykqntsob

Legitimate Grip
Editor:
Yesterday I was afraid for ASU
because I saw the sky falling.
¡Chn’t the administration do
something about this deplor­
able, despicable situation? I
pay good money to come here
and I don’t like to have the
sky falling on my head.
Scared

Read the TRUE facts in the
Stale Press
•Adm inistration Antagonized!!4
•Error» Exposed!!*

OUR

ADVERTISERS

S o I said , “ G re a t Jo h n , h o w a b o u t a
spe cia l c iv il r ig h t s one, o r one d e p ic t­
in g h y p o c r ic y , o r a deep, th o u g h tp r o v o k in g on e on c o n fo rm ity . .

•Politicians Purged!!*
•Culture Castigated!!*
•Accuracy Abom inated!!*
•Alliteration O verused*
Tell them where you saw it —
in the Stale Pre ss (chances are
they w o n’t believe you).
T a k e One T h e y ’re Free
W e N ever M a ke M isteaks
Rated N u m b e r O n e by the
N u m b e r On.e R a tin g Service
(owned by the 8tale Press).

SW O
lO 3
S 69 f J
Hey Editor —
Your newspaper is without a
doubt the kellowest, rottenest
piece of trash ever printed.
You finks are afraid to print
anything controversial. What
are you guys trying to hide?
Who are you covering up for?
Are you afraid you might get
booted out of school?
Name Witheld

Likes Our Paper
Editor:
I would like to complement you
on the finé newspaper you and
your obviously able staff are
putting out. Although I am no
longer a faculty member here,
as I was for 13 years, I still
wanted to write to tell you that
I still r§ad the Stale Press. I
have been having it sent to my
present address for three years.
Once again I must offer my
congratulations to you and your
fine paper.
Dr. Ernest J. Badeyes
former professor of
typography
P.S. Please excuse the crayon,
but they won’t let. us use sharp
objects here.
E D IT O R IA L S F R O M
PAPERS

OTHER

From the Tem pe D aily News:
“A m erica needs more flag
w ave rs”
From the Evening Am erican:
“The Am erican needs
more readers”

When in the course of human
events it becomes necessary to
fill space, the newspaper filler
is used to fill up space in news- ’
papers whether it be of the
blank variety or someone’s
careless, stupid misteak and an
error in judgment. The things
which fill unfilled space are
called space fillers because
their prime purpose is to fill
space. When news doesn’t fit,
the filler does; that is to say it
fills up the space that will
otherwise be occupied by a
blank space. This is known as
a filler and it is used to fill in'
where the filler didh’t fill the
filler.

ASPH ALT

The birds are singing.
The trees are blooming.
Students are happy.
Spring is here.
All these attitudes stink!
They all breed apathy
and besides that they hin­
der the separation of pow­
ers in Associated Students.
How can students be so
dumb? How can they be so
apathetic?
LIKE IT has been said a
hundred times or more,
“Justice is the only answer
to the problems of recon­
verting 4$J&4ar syndroms
to the system of govern­
ment now being placed at
the feet of the all-mighty
voter and his conscience.”
That is what I think, and
that is the right thing to
think about. That is the
right attitude, huh George?
Now if we could get all
the students to back the
proposal in the form it now
stands in, or a form similar
enough to be recognized by
the average student oh this
crumby campus.
The students seldom rea­
lize the many and varied
ways in which the student
government on this campus
is trying its best to do the
things they think the stu­
dent body would like to
have them do for them.
TO MAKE this clear to
the students, I am writing
this colum in hopes that
somewhere, someone will
read it and understand the
problems which are faced
daily by the limited num­
ber of students who take
the tim e to participate in
stu d e n t g o v e r n m e n t
through Associated Stu­
dents.
To these students we owe
a great deal and at the
same time we should ask
ourselves, are they doing
the best job possible? Of
course the answer to this
question.is difficult to dis­
cuss without getting into
personalities, and this is
one thing I think should not
be included in a discussion
of politics, huh George?
The obvious answer is no.
THE STUDENTS can’t do
the best job possible when
the student body they re­
present is so apathetic that
they don’t bother to vote in
elections, campaign in cam­
paigns or do things at
school sponsored activities.
The students at this
school don’t deserve the
corrupt, apathetic student
government they have now,
much less a better one.
So, as I’ve said before . . .
You apathetic students get
exactly what you deserve,
you finks.
(Deciphered copies'1 of
this column may be ob­
tained by Writing to Stale
Press, c/o Asphalt, MU
347, ASU.)
^

What’s today’s date?

STALE PRESS

Ungawa Mambosa Conducts
Famed Borneo Philharmonic;
Artur Boobenstein is Soloist
It is indeed rare that the
University gets the opportun­
ity that music lovers all over
the world would give their set
of Groves for. Yet that was the
opportunity given a lucky au­
dience last week when the in­
ternationally-known B o r n e o
Philharmonic appeared with
equally well-known pianist Ar­
tur Boobenstein.
Conductor Ungawa Mambosa
started the evening off with a
real bang. He shot the first
trumpet player.
During intermission your re­
viewer asked Mambosa why he
did such a thing. “For drink­
ing,” he answered, walking
off. Another member of the
brass section standing nearby
explained the liquid emanating
from the trumpeter’s spit valve
was NOT spit. He added:
“Mambosa’s a stickler for dis­
cipline.” Conceivable.
First on the program was
MalcokQ Arnold’s ‘rA Grand
Grand Overture” which, as ev­
eryone knows, is scored for or­
chestra, organ, rifles, three

Scaloppini Hangs
Just One: Him self
Dr. Neal Scaloppini, assistant
professor of Etruscan, was
found at 3:21 yesterday hanging by his neck from a rope at­
tached to the ceiling. He Was
dead.
“It looks like suicide, but
we’re not through investigat­
ing,” said one Campus Security
officer.
Campus Security said after
a partial investigation that the
apparent cause of death wars
lack of oxygen There are no
clues to Dr. Scaloppini’s death.
However, a patrolman did
say an autographed picture of
the College Bowl team, which
Dr. Scaloppini coached, was
found in the wastebasket.

Hoovers and an electric floor
polisher. The work is difficult
to prepare for because two of
the vacuums must be uprights
(tuned to the key of B flat),
and the third must be a hori­
zontal model with detachable
sucker in C. The floor polish­
er must be in E flat.
Evidently the altitude of the

plane that shipped the polisher
disagreed with its metabolism.
The best it could do was a rath­
er meek C. The plane by the
way was a Fpkker D-VII once
flown by Von Richthofen him­
self. To digress even further;,
this critic was told by reliable
sources that after landing atop
the Education Building, the

plane was inspected alt length
by Boy Scouts (looking for
Girl Scouts). The plane’s cock­
pit contained a skeleton sit­
ting at the controls wearing an
Iron Cross, leather helmet and
scarf. One of the scouts touch­
ed it. It crumbled to dust.
Back to the concert. Mam­
bosa was deeply concerned ov­
er the polisher’s sudden acro­
phobia and asked University o-

ficials what could be done tc
revive the ailing instrument.
As it turns out, the polisher (a
1928 model) is exactly like the
one used to clean the modest
floors of this noble newspaper.
It is also used to clean the
walls, but that is another story.
Anyway, the performance of the
Arnold work was electric in
intensity, and polished in per­
formance.

Ob Campus

MaxShuIman

{By the author of “Rally Round the Flag, Boys!",
“Dobie Gillis,” etc.)

IS EUROPE?

AT SHAKEV S

College life is such a busy one. what with learning the Maxixe,
attending public executions, and walking our cheetahs, that per­
force we find ourselves sometimes neglecting our studies. There­
fore this column, normally a vehicle for:. innocent tomfoolery,
will occasionally forego levity to offer a quick survey course in
one of the learned disciplines. Today, for an opener, we will dis­
cuss Modern European History.
Strictly defined, Modern Kuifffii'an History covers the history
of Europe from January 1, l!)(i4, to the present. However, in
order to provide employment for more teachers, the course has
been moved back to the Age of Pericles, or the Renaissance, as
it is better known as.
The single most important fact to remember about Modern
European History is the emergence of Prussia. As we all know,
Prussia was originally called Russia. The “P ” was purchased
from Persia in 1874 for *24 and Manhattan Island. Till- later
became known as, (luv Fawkes Day.
Persia without a “ P” was of course called Ersia. This so em­
barrassed the natives that they changed the name of the
country to Iran. This led to a rash of name changing. Mesopo­
tamia became Iraq, Schleswig-Holstein became Suxe-Coburg,
Bosnia-IIorzegovina became Cleveland. There was even talk
about eljlaugiug the name of stable old England, but it was for­
gotten when the little princes escaped from the Tower and in­
vented James W att,This later became known as the Missouri
Compromise.

| W hether you’re a budding ornithologist or not, bt,
one of the hundreds tonight who will gather atl
IShakey s Pizza Parlor. At midnight, everybody joins!
I in giving Shakey’s the bird!
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Page fifth

Duty last ut eh lie imeided the f!Trman short-haired pointer.
Meanwhile Johann( lutenberg was quietly inventing t bo print­
ing press, for which we may all be grateful, believe you ujc. Why
grateful? I’ll tell you why: 1Vca-use without Gutenberg's ¡men­
tion you would not have this newspaper to read and you might
never learn that Personna Stainless Steel Razor Blades are now
available in two varieties—the regular douhlc-eclge blade we
have all come to know and love, and the new Personna Injector
Blade. Users of injector razors have grown morose in recent
years, even sullen, anil who can blame them? How would you
feel if you were denied the speed.and comfort and durability and
truth and beauty of Personna Stainless Steel shaving? Not very
jolly, I’ll wager! But injector shavers may now rejoice—-indeed
all shavers may—for whether you remove your whiskers reg­
ularly or injectoriv, there is a Personna blade for you - a Per­
sonna Stainless Steel Blade which will give you more hixurv
shaves than Beep-Beep or any other brand you might name. If
by-chance you don’t agree, the makers of Personna will gladly
buy you a pack of any brand you think is better.
Yosyfriends, we may all be grateful to Johann Gutenberg for
inventing the means to spread this great news about Personna.
The next time you’re in Frankfurt-am-Main, why don’t you
drop in and say thanks to Mr. Gutenberg? lie is elderly—408
years last birthday but SttH quite active in hi' laboratory. Only
last week he invented the German short-haired pointer.
But 1 digress. Returning to Modern European History, let
us now examine that over-popular favorite, France.
France, as wo all know, is divided into several Departments.
There is the Police Department, the Fire Department, the Gas
and Water Department, and the Bureau of Weights and Meas­
ures. There is also Madame Pompadour, but that is a dirty story
and is taught only to graduate students.
Finally we take up Italy—the newest European nation. Italy
did not become a unified state until 1848 when Garibaldi, favour,
and Victor Emmanuel threw three coins in the Trcvi Fountain.
This lovely gesture so enchanted all of Europe that Metternieli
traded Parma to Talleyrand for Mad Ludwig of Bavaria. Then
everybody waltzed till dawn and then, tired hut happy, they
started the Thirty Years War. This later became known as Pitt
the Y'ounger.
Space does not permit me to tell you any more about Modern
European History. Aren’t you glad?
© 1965, M a x Schulman
* * *
And aren’t you glad you tried Personna® Blades? You’ll be
even gladder when you try the perfect companion to Personna:'
new Burma Shave®. It soaks rings around any other lather!

Every paper has a page 6

the date goes here

STALE PRESS

MU Board

Stale Press

Surprises

SOCIETY

Mrs. Molar
With Action

D irty A rt Films Slated by
Cultural Affairs Board

The MU Board has passed a
resolution that the MU should
be made into a discotheque
complete with cages, Mrs. Celluliod Molar, MU decorator,
could not be reached since she
is in a severe state of shock.
When she was notified of the
decision, she supposedly said, “I
knew this would happen. It’s
all because of our lax policy on
shorts.”
In other action, the board
clarified its policy on topless
bathing suits. The decision will
go to Mrs. Molar when she re­
covers from the shock.
Using Mrs. Molar’s recom­
mendations, the board’s has de­
cided to re-decorate Clancy’s.
The suggested motif will be
mid-Victorian with spitoons in­
stead of ash trays.

YRFers Injure
* Several KKCs
Three Kappa Kappa Clubby
sorority members were injured
last night as the result of an
exchange with the Young Radi­
cals for Freedom (YRF). The
coeds were rejected by the Stu­
dent Health Center because it
was after hours.
According to a little bird,
the trouble started when the
head RFer suggested a way to
break the monotony. “Let’s
hang 10,” he shouted. Sidewalk
surfboards immediately appear­
ed from the coeds’ pocketbooks,
but they didn’t understand that
the RFers wanted to hang 10
because of purported liberal
tendencies. Being women, the
sorority members didn’t take it
lightly. One coed survivor was
quoted as saying, “Are youkidding me?”

Films slated include “Mr.
Dirty art films will be shown
at Cosner, according to the Cul- , Clean Goes Nudist,” “Jayne
tural Affairs Board. “We are Mansfield Goes to a Come as
showing these movies because You Are Party.” “Advanced
there has been no interest in Finger Painting” is the only art
cultural affairs lately,” said a film that children over 18 can­
female spokesman for the not see so the humanities class
board.
cannot attend.

PRESCRIPTION SALE
D O N ’T B U G M E — Buzzing around in their latest spring fashions
are two lovely coeds, T e rry Tzetze and Barbara Bee. Terry, left,
is w earing a purple and orange patterned blouse with silk ch a rt­
reuse capris. H er gloves and headress are a strik in g red pique.
Barbara is suited in a gold m ulti-layered blouse w ith magenta
hat and gloves. H er padded sk irt is a stylish, soft, fu rry -b ro w n
chipm unk pile.

We have an old shoe box full of old prescrip­
tions we haven’t had time to decipher — take
a chance . . . you may hit it lucky and get
something you already have an ailment for . . .

Beta Upsilon Mu Fraternity Slates
Their Famous Old BUM’s Rush
Beta Upsilon Mu, fraternity
for men who were not accep­
table to other social fraternit­
ies, will begin rush in the li­
brary tomorrow.

Reading Rip Van Winkle
Joe College, a graduate in
advanced industrial arts, was
found on the eighth floor of
Matthews Library in' a dishev­
eled state. He wore a beard,
moldy tennies and a George­
town sweatshirt. Officials at
the library found out he had
never been near Georgetown
and thought he had been in the
stacks for several days, but he
said he was just protesting the
clean state of the modern-day
world.

Campus
Classified
• LOST
O N E cap g u n a n d D ic k T r a c y C rim e sto p p e r badge. C o n ta c t J o h n at C a m ­
p u s S e c u rit y .
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• STRICTLY PERSONAL
W I L L th e nice, little b o y w h o b o r ­
r o w e d m y M u s t a n g the o th e r d a y
p le a se r e t u r n it to the S ig n s P h i
N o t h in g h o u se m o th e r. I p la n to r u n ”
It at T *M d re g s tr r p S a tu rd a y .

(Zfempe 9 gtlij Nous

*Actual 1886 News Building

Tiddley Winks Team
To Open Tough Sked
Against Such Foes as
Harvard, Princeton

Stale Press

SPORTS
Pros w on’t Accept
No„-Grad Athletes

The owner of the Lordsburg been used as professional minor
(N.M.) L i o n s professional leagues instead of institutions
football club said last night at of higher learning.”
A new hiring and pay scale
the spring football banquet that
policy has been adopted by pro­
collegiate ball players who do
fessional club owners, accord­
not graduate will “be ineligible ing to Renegade. “Not only
to play professional football.” must boys finish school but
James Renegade, addressing their grades must be respect­
the ASU football coaching staff able. Mental screening “tests,
and 37 players, told the stunned like the Graduate Record Exam,
audience “too many fine boys will ^iow be given by all the
have been lured away from the clubs.” Starting salaries start at
campus with the almighty dol­ $4,500 to $6,000 a year since “no
lar and this must stop immedi­ boy fresh out of college should
ately. Schools like Arizona earn more than his professors
State have not only been strip­ with Ph.D. degrees,” said Rene­
ped of fine athletes but, have gade.

j

John Trailsmen, executive
secretary of the Three X Club,
said tiddley winks tryouts will
start at 3 tomorrow afternoon
in thef MU upper lounge.
TraMsmen, a senior, said he
prefers candidates majoring in
history, political science or ec­
onomics with side interests
in art history, music, drama and
classical languages because, “on
the away trips we must have
something to talk about.” Con­
versational French is also high­
ly recommended.
Inexperienced players need
not worry since, “most people
can learn to be tiddley players
in two or three weeks.”
Four positions remain open
on the tiddley wink cheerlead­
er squad. Trailsmen said any
girl may apply but prefers the
“pale,
tu'burcular,
drawing
room type.”
NEW FIELD HOUSE:
Six-hundred thousand dol­
lars has been earmarked for a
new tiddley field house that will

Dairyman Gets
Contract

F A C E 8 P E E D D E M O N S — M em bers o f the Tem pe H ig h School
m ile relay team practice ha n d-o ffs in preparation fo r th eir meet
w ith the A S U Su n Devil squad A p ril 34. T he Buffs, of course, are
favored.

Bek

Basketball, the step-child of
professional athletics, signed
court star Dennis Dairyman to a
$10,000,000 contract which in­
cludes a life insurance policy
that provides ä monthly income
of $8,000 a month 'for life.
“We don’t know where Dairy­
man will play yet,” said Nat­
ional Cage Association (NCA)
president Max Promoter, “We
couldn’t take. the chance of
losing him to a law school for
three years.”

open this fall. The new struc­
pacifism; James B a l d w i n ,
ture's design features three Equality; R i c h a r d Burton,
major playing areas, covered
Shakespeare; and Germaine
by thick, heavy, wall-to-wall
Bree, Albert Gamius.
carpeting with lounges scatter­ TOUGH SCHEDULE:
ed around the center ring. The
The tiddley squad’s schedule
weight lifting team will use it is the toughest in its history.
in the off season.
Matches .include Reed College,
Sherry bars and periodicals Claremont, Grinnell College
(London Times,'Saturday Re­ University of the South, Wil­
view, Playboy, Paris Match, liams,
Harvard,
Princeton,
and The Wall Street Journal) Swarthmore College, Rice In­
will be made available free, to stitute, and England’s Cam­
spectators who like to indulge bridge and Oxford. .
and browse during matches.
Candidates who make the
Halftime activities include t^am will be given $10,000
talks by Mario Savio, free scholarships, room and board,
speech; Jean Paul Sartre, exis­ travel expenses and a new
tentialism; Bertrand Russell, Mustang.

F

^

R

e

E

^

All the Tacos
You Can Eat
CHICO'S
♦Offer Expires 6 A.M. April 1, 1965

RESTAURANT”
FINE MEXICAN FOOD

1120 East Apache Blvd. — Tempe
♦Air Conditioned of course

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Open 7 Days A Week - Mon. thru Sat. 11 a.m. - 1 a m. - Sundays 2 p.m. - 1 a m.
Phone 967-7023'
For Takeout Service

APRIL FOOL'S SPECIAL
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“Across Fran New Fraternity Row”

E

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The end

April 1,1965

STALE PRESS

Rank Official
Exposes New

ROTC Plans
Special to the 8tale Preee

(SPNS) — “The ROTC pro­
gram is finally moving into the
20th century,” said a highly
rank defense official recently.
He outlined the plan for next
year that ASU will follow:
“A new plan (form 38-24-36,
all other obsolete) was just
approved by the secretary of
defense (form 1965, all other
obsolete) which will make it
mandatory for all students to
take ROTC. In keeping with
our austerity program, the An­
gel Flight and the Xaydettes
will only accept those who definately want to go into the ser­
vice later on (see your recruit­
er) . No longer will beauty be
the only'criterion (see the edi­
torial page.)
“Many students have been
complaining about the Early
7:40 drills. We have come to
the conclusion that the best time
for drills would be Friday
nights. That way it wouldn’t
interfere with anything else.
We’ve also had some com­
plaints about the tailoring for
the pants. So to show we too are
collegians at heart, we are go­
ing to issue special Continentalcut trousers. It’s part of the
Great Society.
“From now on we will have
all officers call them charges
“buddies.” The name “weinies”
tends to make them soft and •
brings out their individualistic e a r l y M O R N IN G E X E R C IC E — A n unidentified Blue Cheer
tendencies:”
agitator m akes h is first and last speech against student apathy. In

Here It Is
problem and since it isn’t wise
to make hasty decisions, I don’t
have any comment at this
time.”
,
Since the cost of the con­
version will be so high it will
be necessary to rent "the field-

house in off seasons, said the
board. Because of this the
board has tentatively accept­
ed an offer to lease the con­
verted facility for the 8-month
non-basketball season to a
traveling revival show.

(Puaaykat Photo by Polaroid)
w o rd s that w ill live forever, he yelled, “T o coin a phrase, ‘G ive
me the L ib ra ry or a Discotheque.’ ” Spectators are yaw ning.

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